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THE PHILANTHROPIC CLUB.
I am the member of a club of reg'lar noble seeds,
Whose object is to give rewards for philanthropic deeds.
We root for magnanimity as spiders hunt for flies,
So we lately held a meeting to award our annual prize.
Whose object is to give rewards for philanthropic deeds.
We root for magnanimity as spiders hunt for flies,
So we lately held a meeting to award our annual prize.
Then our President reported with great solemnity
The case of Dayball Carter, a man in Tennessee,
Who plunged into a burning store as if his doom had come,
But emergéd with an infant—and a gallon jug of rum.
The case of Dayball Carter, a man in Tennessee,
Who plunged into a burning store as if his doom had come,
But emergéd with an infant—and a gallon jug of rum.
But the club could nowise settle, admitting all the fact,
If the baby or the liquor had inspired the noble act,
For 't was proved he kept the liquor while he let the infant go,
So the case of Mr. Carter was adjourned in dubio.
If the baby or the liquor had inspired the noble act,
For 't was proved he kept the liquor while he let the infant go,
So the case of Mr. Carter was adjourned in dubio.
Then the Secretary read us, in very moving tones,
The wondrous case of courage of General Pompey Jones.
Who found a hydrophobic dog upon a neighbour's farm,
And roped his neck and led him off where he could do no harm.
The wondrous case of courage of General Pompey Jones.
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And roped his neck and led him off where he could do no harm.
Then Brother Chunk, of Pewterville, declared that it was sad
To have to state that Jones had no idea the dog was mad,
And that in circles where he moved 't was very freely said
He'd picked it up intending to come out one dog ahead.
To have to state that Jones had no idea the dog was mad,
And that in circles where he moved 't was very freely said
He'd picked it up intending to come out one dog ahead.
Then the next case reported in the doings of the day
Was that of Huckleberry Pod, a man in Iowa,
Who slopped into a raging flood to save a drowning maid,
And did it like a beaver, as admiring neighbours said.
Was that of Huckleberry Pod, a man in Iowa,
Who slopped into a raging flood to save a drowning maid,
And did it like a beaver, as admiring neighbours said.
Then Brother Chunk again let down his fist with startling bump,
And said he'd found that Mr. Pod refused to make the jump
Till offered fifty dollars by the people of the town,
And that then he wouldn't do it till he got the money down
And said he'd found that Mr. Pod refused to make the jump
Till offered fifty dollars by the people of the town,
And that then he wouldn't do it till he got the money down
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Last of all we heard the instance of Golias Purple Fife,
Who went into an awful well to save a fellow's life,
A man who always spoke of Fife as of a blooming fool,
And who recently had done him blind in trading for a mule;
Who went into an awful well to save a fellow's life,
A man who always spoke of Fife as of a blooming fool,
And who recently had done him blind in trading for a mule;
And on top of this, moreover, in addition, 't was a fact,
He refused a quarter-dollar for this noble manly act,
And when they asked him what he'd drink, or if he'd take a bite,
He jumped in silence on his mule and rode into the night.
He refused a quarter-dollar for this noble manly act,
And when they asked him what he'd drink, or if he'd take a bite,
He jumped in silence on his mule and rode into the night.
This case, in the opinion of the members of the club,
Was much the most deserving, and the nearest to the hub;
And each allowed he'd never heard the like in all his life,
So, by general acclamation, they bestowed the prize on Fife:—
Was much the most deserving, and the nearest to the hub;
And each allowed he'd never heard the like in all his life,
So, by general acclamation, they bestowed the prize on Fife:—
A silver-plated snuff-box, with a compass in the lid,
With the words, “If sold at auction always do as you are bid,”
Which we sent him in a hurry ere it might be understood
That this, too, was not an instance of the pure unmingled good.
With the words, “If sold at auction always do as you are bid,”
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That this, too, was not an instance of the pure unmingled good.
And these are the proceedings of these noble-minded seeds,
Who make it their profession to discover virtuous deeds,
And every day turns out a lot, but still 't is on our mind
That a case without a speck in it is very hard to find.
Who make it their profession to discover virtuous deeds,
And every day turns out a lot, but still 't is on our mind
That a case without a speck in it is very hard to find.
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