 | Saratoga in 1901 |  |
JOSH BILLINGS INTERVIEWED.
My old friend Josh Billings arrived yesterday, and it did me
good to get away from the Clarendon to have a good square old
religious talk with him. To be frank, I'm sick of being aristocratic.
Josh Billings is a kuss, and I like to be with him. He has
just finished another book, but Carleton won't publish it. He's
afraid his old customers will get it and laugh themselves to death.
Josh and I adjourned over to my old room at Congress Hall, and
we had a long talk about the infallibility of the Church, our old
friends, Artemus Ward, John Phœnix, Mark Twain and Mr.
Shillaber. Josh is as young and fresh as he was twenty years
ago. His hair hangs in a court train over his shirt-collar. It is
sprinkled with gray, but the old fire is up in his eye. I asked
him a good many questions and I give you his answers. Like
General Sherman, he answers as short and quick as a streak of
“Mr. Billings, where were you educated?”
“Pordunk, Pennsylvania.”
“How old are you?”
“I was born 150 years old—and have been growing young
ever since.”
“Are you married?”
“Once.”
“How many children have you?”
“Doublets.”
“What did you come to Saratoga for?”
“I kan't tel. Kin you?”
“What other vices have you?”
“None.”
“Have you any virtues?”
“Several.”
“What are they?”
“I left them in New York.”
“Do you gamble?”
“When I feel good.”
“What is your profession?”
“Agriculture and alminaxing.”
“What do you think of an interviewer?”
“He's a leetle worse than an organ-grinder.”
“How do you account for your deficient knowledge in spelling?”
“Bad spells during infancy, and poor memory.”
“What things are you the most liable to forget?”
“Sermons and debts.”
“What professions do you like best?”
“Auctioneering, base-ball, and theology.”
“Do you smoke?”
“Thank you, I'll take a Partaga first.”
“What is your worst habit?”
“The coat I got last in Poughkeepsie.”
“What do you think of Grant?”
“I am in favor of the PRESENT administration.”
“Who is the best man in the Ring?”
“Dan Rice.”
“Worst man?”
“Tweed—as far as heard from.”
“What are your favorite books?”
“My alminack and Commodore Vanderbilt's pocketbook.”
“What is your favorite piece of sculpture?”
“The mile stone nearest home.”
“What is your favorite animal?”
“The mule.”
“Why?”
“Because he never blunders with his heels.”
“What was the best thing said by our old friend Artemus
Ward?”
“All the pretty girls in Utah marry young.”
“What do you think of the San Domingo question?”
“If it don't interfere with the Santa Cruz (rum) question I'm
in favor of it.”
“What do you think of the Indian question?”
“I think all good Injuns like good brokers die young.”
“Do you believe in the final salvation of all men?”
“I do—let me pick the men!”
The dinner hour now arrived, and we adjourned to a special
course of woodcock and black bass, furnished in a private room
at Congress Hall. After dinner Josh reviewed my interview, and
pronounced it faithfully rendered. He wished to add only that
Mr. Carleton who publishes his alminack, and Mr. Sheldon who
publishes this book, are the most immense intellect of this or
any other country.
| Saratoga in 1901 | |