 | Saratoga in 1901 |  |
REV. ELI PERKINS.
Congress Hall, August 9.
The ladies at Congress Hall requested me
to deliver one of my real old sound, hardshell
Baptist sermons, this afternoon. Hundreds
gathered around to listen to my words
of wisdom as they fell from the orchestra
of the bath-room which I used as my pulpit.
Some fashionable young ladies who were
dressing for the morning German leaned out of their
room-doors just to catch now and then a word.
I took for my text the following three verses, to wit:
“A lady refused to be introduced to a gentleman last evening at Congress Hall,
and no amount of urging could induce her to change her mind.
“`What are your reasons for not wanting an introduction?' urged a friend.
“`Because he wears a paper collar and dyes his mustache,' replied the lady;
`and I never knew a thorough gentleman to do either.”'
I commenced my sermon thus:
“My beloved sisters, the woman spoken of in my text, uttered
a solemn truth. A dyed mustache is a foul thing—as foul as a
cigar in the mouth of a Venus; and a paper collar is an evasion
of the laundry as culpable as the lady who chose colored
crockery because it would not show dirt.
“About dyeing gray hair black, my beloved sisters, I will also
say a word.
“Light hair makes the eyes look brilliant by contrast. So, by-and-by,
when the eye becomes dimmed by age, God paints the
hair white, and the dimness of the eye is unperceived. Look at
a man or woman with dyed hair! The eye is as dead as that of
a sleeping ox. And still these silly people think they are
deceiving somebody—think that they are making themselves
look younger, when everybody with a particle of sense discounts
their foolish attempt at deception.
“Powdering the hair gives the eyes an unnatural brilliancy,
hence it is frequently resorted to in Court circles in Europe.
But, as a general thing, young gentlemen and old! don't try to
improve on Divinity. God knows best what to do, and when he
silvers your hair with white, or paints your mustache with
auburn, He has a purpose as grand as Himself.
“SECONDLY, Cleanliness is next to Godliness.—Here is something
I heard Mr. Seward say once (you know the ex-Premier is the
homeliest man, except General Sherman, in America)—well, old
homely-handsome Secretary Seward said: `The cleanest man
is the most comely to look upon; so bathe well, eat well, and
love well, and, somehow or other, the homeliest will be beautiful.'
Now, it has struck me a thousand times that Mr. Seward,
who looks always so neat and sweet, is really a handsome man!
The cleanest man is the best man — I mean morally and
physically too!
TYPES.
“How many young ladies—and now I beg their pardons for
saying it—look beautiful at a distance, but when you come close
to them they have a soiled
look. The hair will look
greasy. Now there is no
more excuse for putting
grease on your hair than
there is for putting it on
your hands. You people,
I say, who grease your hair
are just as barbarous as
the Comanche Indian who
greases his face!
“A gentleman will never
fall in love with a soiled
woman. She must be sweet.
Have you never, in so-called
polite society, met a young
Now, this is plain homely talk. European Court circles do more
bathing, ten to one, than the bourgeoisie. Indeed, in Russia—in
Moscow, where you see the sweetest blonde women in the world
—they have four bath-houses, each as large as the Fifth Avenue
Hotel. Once daily, every man and woman of patrician blood
plunges all over, head and all, under pure sparkling, rejuvenating
water. This makes the hair light colored—gives it a fleecy, airy
appearance—and gives to the homeliest something of the angelic.
“Thirdly, When you get married, take a proud, well-dressed
man.
“I say a proud, well-dressed man, because a well-dressed man
generally does everything well. It takes a man of wit and pride
to wear a well-fitting suit of clothes. Wellington said his dandy
officers were his best officers. There was a dash of dandyism
about all the great heroes of Greece and Rome. There were
swells in those days as well as now. Alcibiade, the “curled
son of Clinias,” was the nobbyest boy in Greece. Aristotle, the
great philosopher, was the “swellest” fellow on the 5th Avenue
of Athens. Marcus Antonius was a dandy, so were Sir Humphrey
Davy and Lord Palmerston.
“Brummel, D'Orsay, and Byron—what officers they would
have made! Too proud to run, their swords would have
frightened a dozen plebeians, whose pride is in money and dusty
tenant-houses. Sherman is as proud as Lucifer at heart; so are
Meade, and Handcock, and Sheridan. They would never run
while there was a man left to see them fight. Such men are too
proud to run.
“Pride makes politeness, makes a man treat his wife well, dress
her in rich pongee and camel's hair, and makes him hate paper
collars and deception generally. Pride always has (in New
York) a backbone, while vanity is a coward. A vain gambler
will stand in front of the Hoffman House all day to show his
fine clothes. If he had pride he would sneak away and hide
himself. The proud man who wears a nice coat himself, I say,
will be sure to give his wife point lace and six-button gloves;
and, says Dr. Holmes, if any one insults her his proud blood
will be up, his amber kids will become gauntlets, and his white
vest will take on all the splendors of a glittering breast plate.
“He will fight for you and love you too!”
“Amen!” responded Dr. Tying, Dr. Corey and Dr. Swope.
| Saratoga in 1901 | |