University of Virginia Library

4. CHAP. IV.

While thus the enterprizing Peter was coasting,
with flowing sail up the shores of the lordly
Hudson, and arousing all the phlegmatic little dutch
settlements upon its borders, a great and puissant
concourse of warriors was assembling at the city of
New Amsterdam. And here that most invaluable
fragment of antiquity, the Stuyvesant manuscript,
is more than commonly particular; by which means
I am enabled to record the illustrious host that encamped
themselves in the public square, in front
of the fort, at present denominated the Bowling
Green.

In the centre then, was pitched the tent of the
men of battle of the Manhattoes, who being the
inmates of the metropolis, composed the life guards
of the governor. These were commanded by the
valiant Stoffel Brinkerhoff, who whilome had acquired
such immortal fame at Oyster Bay—they
displayed as a standard, a mighty beaver rampant
on a field of orange; being the arms of the pro

vince, and denoting the persevering industry, and
the amphibious origin of the valiant Nederlanders.[11]

Then might be seen on their right hand, the
vassals of that renowned Mynheer, Michael Paw,[12]
who lorded it over the fair regions of ancient Pavonia,
and the lands away south, even unto the Navesink
mountains,[13] and was moreover patroon of
Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his
trusty squire, Cornelius Van Vorst; consisting of
a huge oyster recumbent upon a sea-green field;
being the armorial bearings of his favourite metropolis,
Communipaw. He brought to the camp a
stout force of warriors, heavily armed, being each
clad in ten pair of linsey woolsey breeches, and
overshadowed by broad brimmed beavers, with
short pipes twisted in their hatbands. These were
the men who vegetated in the mud along the shores

of Pavonia; being of the race of genuine copper-heads,
and were fabled to have sprung from oysters.

At a little distance was encamped the tribe of
warriors who came from the neighbourhood of
Hell-gate. These were commanded by the Suy
Dams, and the Van Dams, most incontinent hard
swearers, as their names betoken—they were terrible
looking fellows, clad in broad skirted gaberdines,
of that curious coloured cloth, called thunder and
lightning—and bore as a standard three Devil's-darning-needles,
volant, in a flame coloured field.

Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from
the marshy borders of the Wael-bogtig,[14] and the
country thereabouts—these were of a sour aspect,
by reason that they lived on crabs which abound in
these parts. They were the first institutors of that
honourable order of knighthood, called Fly market
shirks, and if tradition speak true, did likewise
introduce the far-famed step in dancing, called
“double trouble.” They were commanded by the
fearless Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had moreover
a jolly band of Brooklyn ferry-men, who performed
a brave concerto on conch shells.

But I refrain from pursuing this minute description,
which goes on to describe the warriors of
Bloemen dael, and Wee-hawk, and Hoboken, and

sundry other places, well known in history and song—
for now does the sound of martial music alarm the
people of New Amsterdam, sounding afar from
beyond the walls of the city. But this alarm was
in a little while relieved, for lo, from the midst of
a vast cloud of dust, they recognized the brimstone
coloured breeches, and splendid silver leg of Peter
Stuyvesant, glaring in the sun beams; and beheld
him approaching at the head of a formidable army,
which he had mustered along the banks of the Hudson.
And here the excellent, but anonymous writer
of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into a brave
and glorious description of the forces, as they defiled
through the principal gate of the city, that
stood by the head of wall street.

First of all came the Van Bummels who inhabit
the pleasant borders of the Bronx—These were
short fat men, wearing exceeding large trunk
breeches, and are renowned for feats of the
trencher—they were the first inventors of Suppawn
or Mush and milk—Close in their rear
marched the Van Vlotens of Kaats kill, most horrible
quaffers of new cyder, and arrant braggarts in
their liquor—After them came the famous Van
Pelts of Esopus, dextrous horsemen, mounted upon
goodly switch tailed steeds of the Esopus breed—
these were mighty hunters of minks and musk rats,
whence came the word Peltry—Then the Van
Nests of Kinderhook, valiant robbers of birds nests,

as their name denotes; to these if report may be
believed, are we indebted for the invention of slap
jacks, or buck-wheat cakes.—Then the Van Grolls
of Anthony's Nose, who carried their liquor in
fair round little pottles, by reason they could not
bouse it out of their canteens, having such rare long
noses.—Then the Gardeniers of Hudson and thereabouts,
distinguished by many triumphant feats, such
as robbing water melon patches, smoking rabbits
out of their holes and the like; and by being great
lovers of roasted pigs tails; these were the ancestors
of the renowned congress man of that name.—Then
the Van Hoesens of Sing-Sing, great choristers and
players upon the jews harp; these marched two
and two, singing the great song of St. Nicholas.—
Then the Counhovens, of Sleepy Hollow, these
gave birth to a jolly race of publicans, who first
discovered the magic artifice of conjuring a quart
of wine into a pint bottle.—Then the Van Courtlandts
who lived on the wild banks of the Croton,
and were great killers of wild ducks, being much
spoken of for their skill in shooting with the long
bow.—Then the Bunschotens of Nyack and Kakiat
who were the first that did ever kick with the left
foot; they were gallant bush-whackers and hunters
of racoons by moon-light.—Then the Van Winkles
of Haerlem, potent suckers of eggs, and noted for
running of horses and running up of scores at taverns;
they were the first that ever winked with both eyes
at once.—Lastly came the Knickerbockers of the
great town of Scaghtikoke, where the folk lay stones
upon the houses in windy weather, lest they should
be blown away. These derive their name, as some
say, from Knicker to shake, and Beker a goblet, indicating
thereby that they were sturdy toss pots of
yore; but in truth it was derived from Knicker to
nod, and Boeken books; plainly meaning that they
were great nodders or dozers over books—from
them did descend the writer of this History.

Such was the legion of sturdy bush beaters that
poured into the grand gate of New Amsterdam;
the Stuyvesant manuscript indeed speaks of many
more, whose names I omit to mention, seeing that
it behoves me to hasten to matters of greater
moment. Nothing could surpass the joy and martial
pride of the lion hearted Peter as he reviewed
this mighty host of warriors, and he determined no
longer to defer the gratification of his much wished
for revenge, upon the scoundrel Swedes at Fort
Casimer.

But before I hasten on to record those unmatchable
events, which will be found in the sequel
of this renowned history, let me pause to notice
the fate of Jacobus Von Poffenburgh, the discomfited
commander in chief of the armies of the New
Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitableness
of human nature, that scarcely did the news become
public of his deplorable discomfiture at Fort Casimer;

than a thousand scurvey rumours were set afloat
in New Amsterdam, wherein it was insinuated,
that he had in reality a treacherous understanding
with the Swedish commander; that he had long
been in the practice of privately communicating with
the Swedes, together with divers hints about “secret
service money”—To all which deadly charges
I do not give a jot more credit—than I think they
deserve.

Certain it is, that the general vindicated his
character by the most vehement oaths and protestations,
and put every man out of the ranks of honour
who dared to doubt his integrity. Moreover on
returning to New Amsterdam, he paraded up and
down the streets with a crew of hard swearers at
his heels—sturdy bottle companions, whom he
gorged and fattened, and who were ready to bolster
him through all the courts of justice—Heroes of
his own kidney, fierce whiskered, broad shouldered,
colbrand looking swaggerers—not one of whom but
looked as if he could eat up an ox, and pick his
teeth with the horns. These life guard men quarreled
all his quarrels, were ready to fight all his
battles, and scowled at every man that turned up
his nose at the general, as though they would devour
him alive. Their conversation was interspersed
with oaths like minute guns, and every
bombastic rodomontade was rounded off by a thundering

execration, like a patriotic toast honoured
with a discharge of artillery.

All these valorous vapourings had a considerable
effect in convincing certain profound sages, many of
whom began to think the general a hero of most
unutterable loftiness and magnanimity of soul,
particularly as he was continually protesting on the
honour of a soldier—a marvelously high sounding
asserveration. Nay one of the members of the
council went so far as to propose they should immortalize
him by an imperishable statue of plaster
of Paris!

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not
thus to be deceived—Sending privately for the commander
in chief of all the armies, and having heard
all his story, garnished with the customary pious
oaths, protestations and ejaculations—“Harkee,
Metgelsel,” cried he, “though by your own account
you are the most brave, upright and honourable
man in the whole province, yet do you lie under
the misfortune of being most damnably traduced,
and immeasureably despised. Now though it is
certainly hard to punish a man for his misfortunes,
and though it is very possible you are totally innocent
of the crimes laid to your charge, yet as heaven,
at present, doubtless for some wise purpose, sees
fit to withhold all proofs of your innocence, far be
it from me to counteract its sovereign will. Beside,
I cannot consent to venture my armies with a commander

whom they despise, or to trust the welfare
of my people to a champion whom they distrust.
Retire therefore, my friend, from the irksome toils
and cares of public life, with this comforting reflection—that
if you are guilty, you are but enjoying
your just reward—and if you are innocent, that you
are not the first great and good man, who has most
wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in this
wicked world—doubtless to be better treated in a
better world, where there shall be neither error,
calumny nor persecution.—In the mean time let
me never see your face again, for I have a horrible
antipathy to the countenances of unfortunate great
men like yourself.”