University of Virginia Library

A Debate between the Knight and Squire, about the mending of the Petition, and who should carry it to the King.

Knight.
At which the Knight gave such a groan,
As would have rent a heart of stone:
And casting both his eyes to Heaven,
He said, not though the Earle of Levin
Were on our heads, we durst not do it,
It's base to put the King so to it:
It is a most presumptuous thing,
To cross the Conscience of a King.
Some honest men did never take it;
Some honest also were who broke it;
But he who breaks't against his light,
Let it be wrong, let it be right,
By Prophets and Apostles leave
We dar aver his a knave.
On singulars we will not harp,
For the apply will be to sharp.
We put down Bishops, to our cost,
Yet two or three still rul'd the Rost;
Some of which play'd such pranks at home,
As never Pope presum'd at Rome.
It is the simplest of all tricks
To suffer fools have Choping Sticks.
A Sword put in a wood mans hand,
Bredd meikle trouble to the Land.

Squire.
The Squire reply'd, they'r scarce of news,
Who tells, their Mother haunted Stews.
Who on his Brother rubs disgrace,
He spits upon his Mothers face.
Each Covenanter is our Brother,
The Covenant, of all is Mother.
Their wit is dull, and very gross,
Who think where Gold is, there's no Dross:
Where there is Corn, there may be Chaff,
Where there is Malt, there may be Draff:
Thistles with Corn grow on the Riggs,
And Rogues may lurk among the Whiggs.
And Friars in Lent may be Flesh-eaters,
And Covenanters may be Cheaters,
And Weeds grow up with fairest Flowres,
And sighing Sisters may be Whoors.
As Fruit on Trees grow, so grow Leaves,
Its certain Bishops may be Knaves;
Its known to all, the Devil may dwell
In some of fourteen, as of twell.
To blame a Cause for Persons Vices,
Is one of Satans main devices,
By which he very oft doth make
VVell-meaning men the truth forsake.
But let us first the Question state,
Before we enter in debate,
VVhich of the two should bear the sway,
The Miters, or the Elders Lay.

Knight.
The Knight did pause a pretty while,
Then answered with a scornful smile,
I tell thee, fool, I think Government
Of Church, a thing of small concernment:
The truth it's uery hard to find,
It puzzleth the learnedst mind.
Some do the Presbytry conceive
New forg'd by Clavin at Geneve;
Some say, he puts to execution
Paul the Apostles Institution,
Which suffered exile and ejection,
The time of Pauls foretold defection.
Some say, since Bishops did appear,
Its more then Fifteen hundred year;
Some say, that then they did begin
The Pope of Rome to Usher in:
That Pauls iniquities, mystery working,
Was men, then for precedency forking.
Some Presbyterians do conclude,
But Bishops say, such thoughts delude:
VVhich comes from brains which have a Bee,
Like Urquharts Trigonometrie.
Some Bishops prove by Scripture-phrazes
As by the word γυβερνησεις
How John the Angels seven did greet,
Why Paul did Titus leave in Creet.
But other some boldly asserts,
Who reason so, the Text perverts.
Some call the Bishops Weather-Cocks,
Who where their Heads were turn their Docks.
Still stout for them who gives them most,
And who will make them rule the Rost.
Some say, that Bishops have been good,
And seal'd the Gospel with their blood;
As ready for the truth at call,
As any Whigg among us all.
Perhaps a railing foolish Ranter
Will tell a Bishop Covenanter
An honest Clergy-man will be,
When Cable passeth Needles eye:
For some of such had play'd a pavie,
Though all the Cables of the Navie
In one, should pass through Needles-eye,
Whiggs still would doubt their honesty.
Some say, a Bishop Covenanter,
If a penitent repenter,
Causeth more joy to Sp'rits Divine,
Then all the other ninety nine.
Some Father Tales upon King James,
To sundry Presbyterian Dames,
That he was forc'd of Knaves to make them,
For Devil an honest Man would take them.
Some say, the King gave never leave
To make a Bishop of a Knave.
That those men are evil speakers,
Tax'd by Jude, spiritual Quakers:
That none doth hate Nobility;
For Quakers blaming Herauldry.
And some again are, who compares
Our Bishops unto Baiting Bears;
Who, if they be not kept in aw,
They will tear all with teeth and paw:
Yet tractable in every thing,
If in their Snout ye put a Ring.
And many men again there be
VVho say the same of Presbytrie;
And some say this, and some say that,
And some affirm, they know not what.
Its grief to see them Scripture vex,
And wrest it, like a Nose of VVax;
And he who is deceived most
All Fathers on the Holy Ghost:
Some quiting Prophets and Apostles,
Thinks best to plead the Cause by Postills:
And some do dispute by Tradition,
Some calls that Popish Superstition;
And some affirm, that they had rather
Follow a Counsel, then a Father:
And some affirm, it buits not whether,
They are blind Leaders all together.
And since the truth is found by none,
No more then is that turn Gold Stone,
It's best, Zancho, for ought I see,
To take a Pint, and then agree.
Let men have Bishops at their ease,
And hear what Preachers best them please;
If we be fred of Declaration,
And of that other great vexation
We mentioned in our Petition,
We'll alter it on no condition;
Then we will serve the King as much
Against the Dane, and French, and Dutch,
As any in his three Dominions
Who hateth us, or our opinions:
If he command us, we will come
Like Goths, and Scale the Walls of Rome,
And bereave Babels Whore of breath,
Or die the Duke of Bourbon's death.

Squire.
The Squire made many odd Grimass
Ere he could speak, like Balaams Ass;
Sometime he wink'd, sometime look'd up,
And running backward like a Tupp,
For to return with greater force,
He snorted like a very Horse;
One thought upon another tumbled,
One while he grin'd, another grumbled.
At last, like Cant, or Trail, or Durie,
He gave a Broad-side in a fury:
Looking as he would eat them all,
His words flew out like Cannon Ball.
The love of Pelf comes from the Devil,
It's root of all mischief and evil:
It makes Lords sup without a Candle,
When none can see their Knife to handle:
While to bring Candles Servants lingers,
Ten Candles will not heal their Fingers.
It makes Fore-heads and Shins to bleed,
By saving Candle, to light to Bed.
It makes them keep their Cellar Keys,
Set secret marks on Hamms and Chese;
Which, if but in the least defaced,
Wives, Servants, Bairns are all menaced.
It makes them prigg for Milk and Eggs,
Put in a Broth Cocks, halfs, and Leggs:
It makes them Clout Elbows and Breasts,
Keep Rinded Butter in Charter Chests,
Till Ratts eat all their Law-defences,
And Families old Evidences:
It makes them pay their Masons Wages
By Usury, on VVedds, and Gadges
Taken from VVidows, who were plundred,
By paying Fourty in the Hundred.
It corrupts Hamell, Sharp, and Sweet,
It poysons all, like Aconite:
If it touch Hide, it goes to Heart,
And so affecteth every part.
The great ones do betray their trust,
Ladies throw Honour in the dust,
Like those who troad the Cyprian Dance
VVith that Financier of France.
It Puritans doth make of Ranters,
And Cavaleers of Covenanters;
Of Lords and Earls it makes Drapers,
Of Priests and Levites it makes Capers.
It maketh grave and reverend Cheats
In Pulpits, and Tribunal Seats:
For any Crime it finds defences,
With Oaths, it like a Pope dispences:
It causeth among Brethren strife,
It makes a Man Pimp to his Wife:
It makes yeeld Fortresses and Towns
Sooner then Armies with great Guns:
It sets a-fire Cities and Streets,
It raiseth Tragedies in Fleets;
It makes the vanquished victorious;
And foyl then victory more glorious:
It makes rebellion rise and fall,
And hath such influence on all,
That whom it made rebellious Nurses,
It loyal makes, to fill their Purses:
It causeth many a bloody strife,
When needy male-content grow rife:
Then by it Church and State are mended,
And will be till the world be ended.
Master, we all observe and mark,
Since ye once doubt, ye will embarque.
Why do ye Conscience so neglect?
Or, what, Master, can ye expect?
Although among the Whiggs ye Preach,
A Bishoprick ye cannot reach:
For Bishopricks are giv'n to none
Like Presbyterian John Gillon,
Who, when he takes his Preaching-turn,
Will make moe laugh then he makes mourn.
Ye have infus'd in us Sedition,
Ye will us leave in that condition:
And then cause Print a Book of Season,
Tax whom ye have seduc'd of Treason.
And when so doing, all men see,
Ye sing the Palinod of Lee.
The Cavaleers will still you call
The Archest Rebel of us all.
Thus having said, he made a halt,
And stood, like Lots Wife turn'd to Salt,
With Ear attentive, earnest Eye,
He did expect the Knights Reply.

Knight.
Who stroak'd his Beard, and bit his Lip,
And wip'd his Nose, and scratch'd his Hip,
He wry'd his Mouth, and knit his Brows,
He changed more then twenty hues;
His Hands did tremble, his Teeth did chatter,
His Eyes turn'd up, his Bumm did clatter,
His Tongue on Teeth and Gumes did hammer,
He fain would speak, but still did stammer:
His Garb was strange, dreadful, uncouth,
Till through his Epileptick Mouth
Those following speeches fierce and loud
Burst out, like Thunder through a Cloud.
Thou poysons all, my little Grex,
Thou sentence-speaking Carnifex:
Thou hardy and presumptuous are
To meddle so with Peace and War;
Rub my Horse Belly, and his Coots,
And when I get them, dight my Boots;
For they are better then Gramashes
For me, who through the Dubbs so plashes:
Yet I'le wear none, till I put on
Those of the Priest of Livingston;
Who, when they hid them in the Riggs,
Said they were plunder'd by the Whiggs,
Unto another Priest, his Marrow,
Who sent a Maid his Boots to borrow,
Whose Boots were plundered indeed,
As was his Salt Beef, and his Steed
Teach what I please, thou'lt not forbear
To meddle with things without thy Sphear;
Like Taylors making Boots or Shoos,
Or like Shoo-makers making Hose.
Like some I know, as blind as Owles,
Playing at Tennice, and at Bowles,
And sometime Shooting at a Mark,
Like Passavantius playing the Clerk,
Who medled with, he knew not what,
That he might get from Rome a Hat.
Men oft by change of station tynes,
Good Lawyers may prove bad Divines:
Like Sadoleto's Dog in Satine,
Like Ignoramus speaking Latine:
Which raised most unnatural jarrs,
As between Law and Gospel Wars.
Like Bembo's Parrat singing Masses,
Like men of seventy Courting Lasses;
Like Highland Lady's knoping Speeches.
When they are scolding for the Breeches,
Like Massionella freeing Naples
From Gabells put on Roots and Apples.
Like Taylours scanning State concernments,
Or Coblers clouting Church Governments.
Like some attempting tricks in Statiques,
Not vers'd in Euclids Mathematiques.
Like Pipers mending Morleys Musick,
Or Gardners Paracelsus Physick.
Like Atheists pleading Law refuges;
Like Countrey Treisters turning Judges.
Like Preachers stirring up devotions,
By Preaching Military motions;
Proving their uses and didactiques,
By passages of Ælians tactiques.
Like Ladies making Water standing,
Like young Lairds, Horse & Foot commanding.
Like Monckeys playing on a Fiddle,
Or Eunuchs on a Ladies middle.
Like Gilliwetfoots purging States
By papers thrown in Pocks or Hats,
That they might be, when purg'd from dung
Secretaries for the Irish Tongue.
Great wounds, yet curable, still faister.
When fools presume to rule their Master;
As sad experience teach'd of late,
When such reformed Church and State:
Though all the Publick did pretend,
All almost had a privat end.
There was no place of War, or State,
But was by twenty aimed at;
Whereof ninteen were disappointed,
Which made the Body whole disjoynted;
And rais'd among them such divisions,
That they were to their friends derisions.
Some aim'd at the Embroidered Purse,
Some the Finances to deburse,
And other some thought to be getters
By writing of the Privy Letters:
Some aim'd at Privy Seal, or Rolls,
Some Customs gathered in, and Tolls:
Some did dry Quarterings enforce,
Some lodg'd in Pockets Foot and Horse:
Yet still Bogg-sclented, when they yoaked,
For all the Garrison in their Pocket:
And some made men Morgage their Lands,
To lend Money on publick Bands,
To be pay'd at the Resurrection:
Some Fines pay'd who oppos'd defection;
Some sold the Souldiers Mity Meal,
And some did from the Publick steal;
And some, as every body says,
Us'd more then other twenty ways:
Yet notwithstanding of all that,
They were lean Kine devouring fat.
None gained by those bloody fairds,
But two three Beggers who turn'd Lairds;
Who stealing publick Geese and Wedders,
Were fred, by rendering Skin and Feathers.
When others of this Church and Nation
Returns unto their former station:
And now, for all their stomacks stout,
Comes home more fools then they went out.
Thou, like a Fire-brand, dost advise
Us to be fools, when all are wise:
Thy endeavours are all in vain,
Ere we shall play such pranks again,
The Patagons shall Masses mumble,
The Dons of Spain shall all be humble,
Italians shall speak as they think,
Germains, when Sun's set, shall not drink;
Swedds gaining day, shall not pile Baggage,
And English hate shall Beef and Cabbage,
The Russ and Pole shall never jarr,
Danes shall gain by a Sweddish War;
Victorious Turk shall stand to reason,
Scots shall be beat, and not blame treason;
The Dutch shall Brandie slight, and Butter,
And England Conquer by De Ruytter:
The first burnt ardor of French hearts
Shall not turn to a rack of farts,
And they shall spell as they do speak,
And they shall sing as they do prick:
With Oaths they shall not lard their Speeches,
Nor change the fashion of their Breeches.
All shall have for assured news,
That Pope from Rome have banish'd Stews:
Rebellion shall return from Hell;
And do things which I will not tell.
Though it were true, as some compares
Our Bishops unto baiting Bears,
Who, if they be not keept in aw,
They will tear all with Teeth and Paw.
Yet many utterly mislikes,
That Butcher Presbyterian tycks
Should flee upon their throats and faces,
To curb their Lordships, and their Graces:
His Majesty, without all doubt,
Should only Ring them in the Snout.
If they so swell, that none can bide
Their malice, avarice, and pride;
Vices, which all the world doth ken
Familiar to Clergy-men;
Of which, though palliat with art,
Our own Presbytry had their part.
Our duty is, with all submission,
To press the grant of our Petition:
The King will suffer us, perchance,
As Lewis doth Huggonots in France:
And in his Wars, Civil and Forraign,
Make me Command in Chief, like Turrain.
And though he grant not our demands,
Away with Covenants and Bands;
Kings must command, we must obey,
They Rebels are, who truth gain-say.
Some tell, we must the truth so love,
As of it not to quite a hoove.
As said another fool, thy marrow,
As if his Majesty were Pharo.
For my part, ere I trouble peace,
I'le Bishops call, My Lord and Grace;
And kneel at the Communion Table,
Make Christmas-Feasts, if I be able:
Privat Sacraments I'le avow
Childrens confirming I'le allow;
And I will hear the Organs play,
And Amen to the Service say.
I'le Surplice wear, and High-sleev'd Gown,
And to the Altar I'le bow down.
Yea, ere his Majesty be wroth,
I'le Primat be, and Chancellor both.

Squire.
The Squire replyed in a chaff,
He girn'd so, that he seem'd to laff:
And when ye travel in Carosses,
Ye will salute the Hie-way Crosses;
And when with danger ye are prest,
Ye will cross, sign fore-head and breast,
And ye will to our Lady pray,
And travel on the Sabbath day;
And ye will play with Lords and Lairds
All Sermon time at Dice and Cards;
And Duels fight, like those of France,
And drunk and Creeple lead a dance,
And ye will venture Ax and Rope,
By writing Letters to the Pope,
To tell him, though ye here by Haman,
Ye worship with the King, like Naman,
And then accuse us all of Treason,
When ye put out your Book of Season.

Knight.
The Knight look'd fiercely then about,
Thus thundering with a dreadful shout,
Constant madness thy Brains inthrals,
Thou hast no Lucid Intervalls.
Thy Waspish Tongue will never fail
To prat, to scold, revile and rail:
Though men should bray thee all to Powder,
Thou still, Theristes, plays the louder.
All honest and unbyass'd ken
Those whom thou means't, were worthy men;
They had some faults, though not so big,
As rotten Flees, to spoil a Pigg
Of Ointment; sooner it is known,
We others faults see, then our own.
Presbyterian, never one
Faultless, at them could cast a stone.
It's certain, it comes from the Devil,
To hide men's good, and tell their evil:
They never learned that of Paul,
Or David, when he mourn'd for Saul.
Thou art a Cocks-comb, void of reason,
To tell me of a Book of Season:
Thou learnd'st when thou kept Sheep & Hogs,
With one Stone for to hit two Dogs.
Though thou spue Venom like a Toad,
That Book is much esteem'd abroad.

Squire.
The Squire replyed, many deem
Beyond Sea it is in esteem:
When once it passed Pentland Firth,
It rais'd among them such a mirth,
That some for laughter burst their Rheens,
And other some did split their Spleens:
They cherish'd it in every School,
To be their Bibliotheca's fool;
When serious reading health did spill,
That they might read and laugh their fill:
Physicians it prescrib'd to men
As Cure approved for the Spleen:
At Publick Meetings, and at Feasts,
It was the Topicks of their Jests.
Some say, since known, all his life
To have had with the Bishops strife:
Since for the Covenant none more wood,
To make three Nations swim in blood:
Since he spar'd none whom he could reach,
Who 'gainst the Engagement did not Preach:
Since to the Cause he stuck so fast,
Since Bishops was restor'd at last,
That in the Pulpit he did grant
A Bishop was the Devils plant.
Giving to all his hearers leave,
If ever he turn'd, to call him Knave.
And since, as every body says,
He chang'd in less then twenty days:
It's very like, at others budding,
He turn'd his Coat for Cake and Pudding.
Some say, he is a sounding Brass,
Which signifies a pratling Ass:
He brings no reason which can bind,
But only fights against the wind.
It's clear, that it doth with him fare
As with Sampson without his Hair.
Before his change his Wit was tough,
And he could reason well enough:
But now he kytheth like a fool,
As one would whipp a Boy at School,
To vent in Print so little reason,
And call it an Advice in Season.
Some say, that he treads Bishops Path,
As David serv'd the King of Gath.
Though men to censure him be rash,
He gives the Bishops such a dash,
They need not brag their cause is won
By the Foster of Henderson.
Some say, he Bishops doth betray,
That Presbytry may gain the day,
Who fed him for their Champion hidden,
Others affirm, they are out-bidden;
Which makes him take a contrair task,
As Edward answered once Southesk.
A modest man wrot in a Letter,
He might have pleaded meikle better.
The charitable do not fear,
But for a thousand Merks a year
He would the Bishops yet withstand,
If Covenanters rul'd the Land.

Knight.
Then said the Knight, though in a Morter
I bray this Fool, to no Exhorter
Thou wilt give ear; he'll put thee to it.

Squire.
To whom the Squire, what though he do it,
Both Reason there and Justice halts,
Where one's blam'd for anothers faults.
Was never Judge did things so foul,
Except himself, once at Saint Rule:
He forg'd Records, and them Enacted
To bear false Witness, when Extracted.
I cannot tell, till I advise,
Whether he did it twice or thrice.
Next, I will tell that he gave leave
If ever he turn'd, to call him Knave,
But he can challenge no reflection
Put on him at his own direction:
He is oblidg'd to keep his word
As well as one who wears a Sword.
But if he chance to be so wroth,
As to break Word, as well as Oath,
I'le tell him, I take frantick fits,
And am distracted of my wits,
As he, and others said of late,
When they misguided Church and State.
And I them tax'd of forg'd Records,
As I can prove before the Lords;
If that succeed not, it effeers
That I be judged by my Peers,
That is, by fifteen Poetasters,
Half Fools, half Beggers, half Burlesquers:
All of them proved, Drinkers, Whoorers,
By Preachers, Forgers and Perjurers.
Ere such a Jury can be gotten,
Its certain, I'le be dead and rotten;
Or if Justice so shall halt,
As to cause hang me for his fault;
Hanging to me will be less trouble,
Then worrying on a windy Bubble
At a Dike-side, or under a Stair,
If Weather be not very fair.

Knight.
But then the Knight, we hear, he'l quarrel,
That thou once served Albemarle.

Squire.
To which the Squire, I have no fears,
He dar not challeng't for his ears;
For I can make appear to all
They toss'd me to him like a Ball.
Next, ask that Duke, in any thing
If ever I did prejudge the King.
I forc'd was to dissimulation,
To shun a Rope, and serve my Nation:
I did no evil, but meikle good,
Saving mens Money, and their Blood;
Which services I did for nought,
Which were from men far richer bought.
That Duke can tell, he did suspect it,
Albeit to try, he did neglect it:
When by their Crafty instigation;
He urg'd was to my accusation.
They all tell now of Albemarle,
But they told him another quarrel,
In pleading I could touch a string,
Whose sound will make their ears to ring

Knight.
The Knight said, tush, they'l no more sturr,
Then Moon, when bark't at by a Curr.
For all thy prat, on no condition
I mind to alter the Petition.

Squire.
Then said the Squire, if ye'l not mend it,
Advise at least, by whom to send it,
Since we Petition for Religion,
Your Lady, or your Dog, or Pigeon
Were fittest to be sent, if other,
I'm sore afraid we lose a Brother:
For I dar swear upon th' Evangel,
When he hath got from each his Angel,
To help his charges to defray,
The Fellow will us all betray.

Knight.
When things succeed not, fools do slite,
Giving betraying all the wite,
Reply'd the Knight, they said of late
They were betray'd, when they were beat;
And they said true, who did not stand,
Betrayed are by heart and hand
But to the point, as for my Wife,
I'le never send her in my life;
For fear some Courtier or other
Would make me old King Arthurs Brother.
My Dog is an unruly Curr,
And at the Court will keep a sturr,
Seeing Conformists up and down,
He barks so at a High-sleev'd Gown,
That Bishops either will cause stone him,
Or else yoak Boutcher Dogs upon him.
As for my Pigeon, it cannot be,
She hath another gate to flee:
A Message she hath tane in hand,
To search for that most happy Land,
Unknown to any heretofore,
But only to Sir Thomas More:
Where we intend to fix Plantation,
If forc'd to change our Habitation.
And since a Poet rightly hits,
That greatest fools have greatest wits,
To shun self-dealing, it is fit
To choose one not outgrown in wit;
So he can Buffonize, and Jest,
At publick Meeting, and at Feast,
And catch a time to tell the truth,
Like Davids great Grand-mother Ruth.
The Whiggs with an applauding hollow
Cry'd out, his counsel they would follow:
Which once concluded, all arose,
And set on Pans to make their Brose.
When after that some fools were named
To be employ'd, they all were blamed:
And none thought fit, they still enquire,
And find none fitter then the Squire:
On him then they enforc'd the Message,
When he went out on his Embassage,
How at the Court he did arrive,
How to affront him they did strive:
But how the Buffons all he outted;
How Hudibras his Squire he routed,
When they two yoaked by the Ears
About the baiting of the Bears:
And how he manag'd every thing,
And how he harrang'd to the King:
And how he cited ends of Verses,
And sayings of Philosophers;
At which some laugh'd, and some were vex'd,
Ye'l be advertis'd by the next.