University of Virginia Library

When Bushes budded, and Trees did chip,
And Lambs by Suns approach did skip;
When Mires grew hard, like tosted Bread,
That men might through the Carses ride:
When folks drew blood of arms and legs,
When Geese and Turkies hatched Eggs:
When poor folks Pots were fill'd with Netles,
When Fish did domineer in Ketles;
VVhen Lent did sore annoy the Glutton,
VVhen Sun left Fish to lodge with Mutton:
VVhen night and day were of like length,
Of March the eighth, or twelfth, or tenth:
When several Criticks, great and small,
By mending Lines, did marr them all.
When Transcribers preposterous speed
Made them like Pictures spoil'd with Threed
On Arras Hangings back-side, when
The lowr'd mistakings of some men
Made several great Wits of the Land
Blame what they did not understand;
And some to hunt a Flea contrive;
The Squire near London did arrive:
To meet him old and young came forth,
As Rome did once to see Jugurth.
They knew each passage of his Journal,
Both by report, and by Diurnal:
We dread, they will him sore abuse,
But let us first invock the Muse.

Thou Muse, who never dost abandon
Those who have scarce a Legg to stand on
When they ascend Parnassus Mountain,
Till in the end they taste a Fountain
Which makes an Owl then them sing sweeter;
Make me once more a fool in Meeter,
That I may be of all admired,
Confuting Presbytry, casheered;
Which I of late so much adored,
But now, when I get nothing for it,
Make me, O Muse! to change my Note,
Declare against it, turn my Coat:
Compesce me, Muse, these stout Bravado's
Of these stiff-necked Reformado's,
Who still maintain, unto this day,
They have th' Office, though they want Pay;
In others Harvest putting their Sickles,
Troubling the Land with Conventicles;
Whose stubborn hearts cannot be turned
By the Dialogues of Gilbert Burnet.
Prove, Muse, that Synod-men, Church-Wardens
Are Bears, and Synods are Bear-Gardens:
For both have tongues, and teeth, and nails,
But, Muse, what wilt thou do for tails?
But that's all one, the matter's small,
For true Bears have no tails at all:
And so the simile still jumps,
In stead of tails thou'lt find there rumps.
When thou shews how the Squire disputed,
And Ralph the Sectary confuted,
That he of wits almost bereft him;
But to the Squire now where we left him.

He melted all in tears for pity,
Seeing the ruins of the City:
But when he saw in other places
Houses arise with goodly faces,
And Turrets mounting up, and soaring,
And the Air's middle Region boaring;
So Phœnix, when it's burnt in Spices,
Up starts another from its ashes.
Cry'd out the Squire, Rome once was burn'd
By French, then Worlds Mistriss turn'd,
God may the same to London grant,
If it renew the Covenant.
While this he spoke, his Horse he lights off,
And with his Handkerchief he dights off
Tears from his eyes, then on the ground
He grovelling lyes meditabound,
His Horses grievous succussation
Had so excoriat his Foundation,
That till the Hide his Hips did come on,
The earth he could not set his Bum on.
Then after sad Ejaculations,
He vents these following Meditations.

Wallace, quoth he, having adoe,
Still eat the quarter of a Cow,
And to the boot, ere Cloaths were put on,
He would sometimes dispatch a Mutton:
For when he wanted morning fare,
He was like Sampson without hair.
A Priest, whose Teeth did Head and Legs swell
Did still eat Powder'd Beef and Eggs twell
Before he Preach'd, else he half dumb sings,
Like to a Fiddle wanting some Strings.
Hence, by experience I gather,
He is a liar, though my Father,
Who thinks, a man can do or speak well,
Who doth neglect his fast to break well.
I am ingag'd in a Transaction,
Quoth he, requiring Tongue and Action,
That to my Tackling I may fast stick,
Though I should lose my Ears like Bastwick:
Though they should ty me Heel and Neck fast,
It's requisite I take my Break-fast.

This said, his Budget he unlooseth,
And all the wealth within discloseth;
VVhich for variety did scorn.
The wealthy Amelthea's Horn;
Or the rich Abbey of St. Lawrence,
Or Cabine of the Duke of Florence,
Ju'st like the Pocks of Graham and Guthry,
It was his Vestry and his Buttery:
His Lardner and his Bibliotheck,
There lyes of Oat-meal neer a Peck,
With Waters help which Girdles hot Bakes,
And turns to Bannocks, and to Oat Cakes.
There a piece Beef, there a piece Cheese lyes,
And there an old Night-Cap of Freez lyes,
His head attire, when he the house keeps,
On which now here and there a Louse creeps.
Here lyes a pair of Shoes ne're put on,
And there lyes a Poor Man of Mutton.
There lyes half dozen elnes of Pig-tail,
There his Panash, a Capons big-tail,
With white in middle, shining Star-like,
And there be Onion-heads and Garlick,
The food of Turkish Janizaries,
There Turpentine and Larie Berries:
His Medicine for passage sweer,
That for the Van, these for the Reer;
And there a piece of Poudered Fish lyes;
And there some Butter in a Dish lyes;
There Turnips thirty inch about lyes,
And there some Pepper in a Clout lyes,
There Fingram Stockins spun on Rocks lyes,
And there his Sneezing Milne and Box lyes:
There lyes his Elson and his Lingle,
Which double-sold Shoes makes of single,
With help of old pieces of Leather;
There lyes some Wool that he did gather,
Left by the Sheep, as certain pledges,
They were entangled in the Hedges:
There Clouts and Papers little Mugs stops,
As in Apothecaries Drug-shops,
With Vinegar and Oyl for Sallads;
And there lys Books, and here lyes Ballads,
As Davie Lindsay, and Gray-Steel,
Squire Meldrum, Bewis, and Adam Bell,
There Bruce and Wallace, fierce-like Mars Knight:
There lyes Dialogues which his Arse dights
There Last-goodnight, and Chevie Chace,
With Gendarms in the Frontispiece,
Which makes more weep, when they read on it,
Thou Curats Sermons, fie upon it!
And there lyes Bands, Shirts, and Cravats,
There two three Skins of Lambs and Rabbets,
For to commence a London Trade,
And this was all the Wealth he had.
But pardon me, I had forgot,
There was some other thing I wot;
I think it Powder was, and Leed
To shoot the Bishop through the head.

He takes a Bible with Covering worn off,
And ending and beginning torn off:
He reads, and then he says the Grace,
Then to his Victuals falls apace.

When first bitt scarce down throat was sliding,
Within a days march of the midding,
Then he a multitude espies
Approaching him with shouts and cries,
He leaves his victuals, falls a-gazing,
Just like a Tupp when he's a grazing,
When folks comes by, he slights his food,
Stares in their face and chews his Cude.
He thought these fools came out to meet him,
That first they might salute and greet him,
That afterwards they might him bring
With greater pomp unto the King.
Such honour at their entry-hours
Are due unto Embassadours.
Both dust and sweat from face he rubs off,
A Looking-glass he makes the Dubs of:
He trims his Beard, and then his Head too,
Rights Basket-hilt on Shoulder-blade too:
His hands he washes, pairs his nails,
Takes his Panash of Capons tails,
Which he pines on before his Hat;
He put about a clean Cravat,
And then upon his hands he streeches
Two yellow Gloves, with green Silk steeches;
Leaps to his Horse, and on he went,
To take and give the Complement:
While hips excoreat, made him swadle
Through all the corners of the Sadle.

When he the multitude approaches,
His eyes he fixt first on the Coaches,
Ranged like Wild-geese in a line;
Then cry'd he out, no friend of mine
If I can hinder those, shall enter.
'Tis wonder people so should venture,
To break their arms, and legs, and heads,
And to disjoynt their shoulder blades:
Ladies to have their naked Breeches
Both view'd and Lanced by the Leeches;
Which made some Husbands forth a Tuck hold,
Swearing the Rogue would make them Cuckold
Those made a Lady of our Land
Upon her neck and shoulders stand
With a third of half dozen Thighs,
Naked erected to the Skies;
And ere that posture she was got off,
Many did see the thing ye wot of;
Which when they told her, readily
She answered, she wondred why
They did not kiss't, and take their leave on't,
It was the last fight they should have on't:
She vow'd thereafter, well I wot,
VVith her Grand-dame to walk a-foot
VVhen Coach-men drinks, & Horses stumble,
It's hard to miss a Barla-fumble.

Then did he seriously begin
VVell to consider those within:
He soon perceived by their postures
They were no Nuns brought up in Cloysters,
To show their Legs, some truss their Laps,
Some throw off Scarffs to show their Paps,
Some Masked were, the Sun to keep out,
Which lifting, now and then, they peep out.
Widows from Vails set out their Noses,
As Snails do from their Shelly Houses;
As they would say unto the Gallants,
Come, Gentlemen, behold our Talents:
Come nearer, that we may espy you,
If ye be ought worth, we will buy you:
Where, ten to one, some get a fortune,
As one did with my Lady Nortoun.

Among the rest he did espy ones,
Whom he conceived to be Hee-ones:
Those he believed were his Mates,
Embassadours of Kings and States,
To do him honour at his entry,
With the Nobility and Gentry:
He cry'd to them to keep the peace,
And not to wrangle for the place,
For all of them remembred well
Of that Bowtad of Bateveile,
VVhich cost the lives of brave Commanders,
And well nigh lost his Master Flanders.
He bids them all take place by Lots,
No King had place, but he, of Scots,
VVhose Royal Ancestors, it's clear
Has kept one Race two thousand year;
VVhose Successors as yet escaped
The tricks of Pipin, and Hugh Capet.
Others are not of that condition,
They'r Kings but of a late Edition:
Though some be small, and others greater,
Yet who go first, or last, no matter;
For all their Gold, Spices, and VVines,
They come from interrupted Lines.

Being inform'd of his mistake,
It was to Ladies that he spake.
VVhat Devil they are? reply'd the Squire,
They'r men in Garb, and in Attire,
They've Vests, they've Swords, they've Piriwigs
They tread the measure of the Giggs,
Just like the men, their Buttocks vaper,
They cast their Gammonds up, and Caper;
They Cajole Ladies at the Balls too,
And standing piss against the VValls too:
They're Spurr'd & Booted when they ride too,
And gallop, when they Hunt, astride too,
VVith Swords and Pistols they fight hard too,
Some have appearance of a Beard too:
And, which of all's the greatest wonder,
They ly above, their Gallants under.
Me's Dames, quoth he, that we may ken
VVhether ye women be, or men,
It's fit ye open keep before
About a Trencher breadth, or more.
Ye're Monsters, if that do not measure
The Circuits of your Holes of pleasure.

VVhile he was giving this advice,
They all surround him in a trice,
All wondring at his Equipage:
Some ask'd his Horses price, and age:
If there came sympathetick speed
From Riders heel, or heel of Steed;
If there came an inchanting force
To Masters Purse, from Skin of Horse;
Some, why no Spurrs, his sides to claw,
And for Boots, several Ropes of Straw:
Why Sodds for Sadle, and Branks for Bridle,
And Plaids for Scarff about his middle.
Some asked his Panashes price,
If't was a Bird of Paradice.
Some ask'd if Basket-Hilt and Dudgeon
Had ever set a work Chirurgeon,
Some Jeer'd the long Crown of his Hat,
Some at his Gloves, some his Cravat,
Asking more Questions at once
Then would have puzled John of Dunce,
Or Bonaventure, or Soncinas,
Or Biel Ockam, or Aquinas.

When Sinan Bassa Charg'd a Hill,
To try his Military skill;
Though many a grievous wound it got
By Cannon, and by Musquet shot,
The Hill did neither bow nor bend,
Although he charg'd it thrice on end,
But still abode him face to face,
Chusing to die upon the place,
Rather then turn its back and yield;
Just so the Squire did keep the Field;
And bravely did receive their Tongue-shot,
Just as the Hill did Sinan's Gun-shot:
He stood as senseless as a Stock is,
Or among raging Waves, a Rock is,
When furiously they knock its Crown,
To make it break, or make it drown.
At last, he said, with sober grace,
When ye grow hoarse ye'll hold your peace.
Then fair and softly on he tripped,
For, like a Spaniard when he's whipped,
He thought it was a great disgrace
For to accelerat his pace.

When they him saw so little troubled,
Then they their Questions redoubled;
Some ask'd his errand, and his name,
And from what Potentat he came,
From Turk, or Sophee, or Mogull,
Who wear much Linnen on their Skull,
Or from either Tartarian Cham,
Who of their Horse Hips make a Ham,
Or from Pegu, or from Chine,
Or from the Emperour Abyffine,
Or from the Muscovite, or Poll,
Or Dane, whose chiefest wealth is Toll,
Or from the Emperor, or the Swede,
Or Hogen Mogen Brother-hood;
From the Savoyard, or the Swisse,
Who Apples seeths with roosted Geese:
From Florentine, or Protugnese,
Or from Morocco, or from Fess;
Or if he came from Spain or France,
Or from some Indian Weerowance,
To barter Gold and Beaver Skins
For Glasses, Beads, and Knives and Pins;
Or from the Presbyterian Scots,
Who never yet had turn'd their Coats.
Did he a Supplication bring
To put ill counsel from the King;
And that his Majesty would grant
Renewing of the Covenant:
And had Commission for to tell him,
If he refus'd, they would compel him.
When thus they pressed him so fast,
Patience turn'd fury at the last:
These last words did him so inrage,
He fac'd about and gave a Charge;
Then with his Tongue out, thus he stutters,
With face awry, like old Cheese Cutters.

You cursed Antichristian Rable,
Ye Mungrels of the Whore of Babel,
Ye Sectaries, and Covenant-breakers,
Half Cukold, and half Cuckold-makers,
For all your flouting, and your tanting,
When we went first a-Covenanting,
Ye did us court, ye did us bribe,
Invited us, like Juda's Tribe,
To purge your ten Tribes of Israel
From Jeroboams Calf, and Baal:
Your money mov'd our Concience
To arm our selves in your defence.
When your intentions you had got,
And by our means, had under foot
Trode all your foes, and them defeated,
At last, we found we were but cheated.
Your quarrel was, pretended bondage,
By reason of Tunage and of Poundage,
To get Militia by Law,
To keep his Majesty in aw:
To free your selves when money waxes
From Inquisitions and Taxes:
Your only end was self enriching,
Your sole Religion was your Kitching.
You valued Puddings sodd in Pocks
More then Religion Orthodox:
Whereas we witness God and Angels,
Prophets, Apostles, and Evangels,
For trash, or any earthly thing,
We never did oppose the King:
Yea, all of us, both great and small
Will quit him Lives, and Lands, and all
So he give way to purge the Temple,
As pleaseth Mr. Gabriel Semple.
He spoke so thick, he paus'd a little,
And having cleans'd his Beard from spittle,
Like Tindale at the Stake, he cryes
Lord, open the King of Englands eyes,
And then his Majesty will grant
Renewing of the Covenant.

Thus did he perorat his fliting,
As at Tarantums Spiders biting,
They were affected thereanent,
According to their Temperament.
Sanguinians did only laff,
Cholerick Melancholians chaff.
Some bade hang him, some bade stone him,
And some did Mastives hunt upon him.
Some Daple under Tail did prick,
And made him bounce, and leap, and kick:
Some aim'd to tare his Straw Gramashes,
Some cries, have at Beard and Mustaches:
Some grasped him about the middle,
Till Bumm did sound like Gambo Fiddle:
Some would have Breeches down to whip him,
Some with their Nails would tare & nip him;
Some with Briars & Thorns would scratch him:
One fearing that they would dispatch him,
Who was a man more moderat,
He made a Court'sie with his Hat,
And begged leave to plead his Cause
According to the Nations Laws.

Contending with a foolish tongue,
Quoth he, is but a War with dung:
Though in the strife ye prove victorious,
Dirt makes your finger-ends inglorious,
As lately happen'd unto one
Who needs would quarrel Sanderson,
And prove he was a lying knave,
Of which, what credit could he have;
When he had done, he prov'd no more,
Then all the world knew before.
To take such pains, imports as much
As any doubted he were such.
Refuting such as he, with words,
Is like Canarie washing Turds:
The Wine in taste and hue grows meaner,
But Turds grow ne're a whit the cleaner.

This simile, though somewhat rude,
Yet so appeas'd the multitude,
That by degrees their clamour fell,
Like sound of Lute-string, or of Bell,
When Thumb or Hammer of a Clock
Gives the Epilogizing stroak.
And in the end these furious Cryers
Stood silent like observant Friars,
Or like to Dumbies making Signs,
Or like to Fidles wanting Strings,
Or like to Salmons, or to Codds,
Or Turks, when they took in the Rhodes.
Then piece and piece they dropt away,
As ripe Plumbs in a rainy day;
Till in the end, they all were gone,
And left him standing all alone.

Likeas, we do observe and see
In those who are condemn'd to die,
That they are sore annoy'd and troubled,
At first, when they cast off their Doublet,
Truss up their hair, their eyes blind-fold,
That they may not grim Death behold:
Thinking their neck the stroak is hard on,
If any tell them of a Pardon,
Although their heart be lighted somewhat,
Yet fear and hope fight still a Combat,
Till that they hear the Air to ring
With Clamours of, God save the King:
Then hope triumphs, and fear doth vanish,
Like grief, when it's expell'd by Spanish,
Just so the Squire, when all at once
They him opprest with Fists and Stones,
A gelide fear his heart possessed,
His final hour approach't he guessed:
Trembling he stood, in a Quandarie,
And purg'd, as he had eaten Larie:
As was confirmed by the speeches
Of those who after washt his Breeches
When he perceived the retreat,
That flight, quoth he, is but a cheat
Like that of Greeks, for to destroy
An ancient City, called Troy,
By help of that Tree Horse of Pallas:
It is some stratagem of Wallace,
Who in a Pig-mans Weed, at Bigger,
Espied all the English Leagure.
But when he found by certain trial,
The retreat was not forg'd, but real,
Then did he resolution show,
And like a Cock began to crow.

One man, quoth he, oft-times hath stood,
And put to flight a multitude,
Like Sampson, Wallace, and Sir Bewis,
And Finmacoul beside the Lews,
Who in a Bucking time of year
Did rout and chase a Herd of Deer,
Till he behind, and they before,
Did run a hundred Miles and more,
Which questionless prejudg'd his Toes,
For Red-shanks then did wear no Shoes;
For to this day they wear but Calf ones,
Or, if of older Leather, half ones.
He chased them so furiouslie,
That they were forc'd to take the Sea,
And swam from Cowel into Arran,
In which Soil, though it be but barren,
As learned Antiquaries say,
Their Off-spring lives unto this day.
But pardon me for such digressions,
For, were it not for such expressions
Which from the Muses we extort,
Our Poems would be very short.

Then did the Squire obtest, and pray,
And them conjur'd that they would stay,
For he had quarrel against none
But Ralph the Squire, and Sanderson,
Which two, as every body knows,
Are Presbyterians mortal foes:
Th' one calls them Bears by Allegory,
That other Fellow wrot a Story,
In which he doth them scandalize so,
That all the Devils blush, he lies so;
Thinking it would be liked well,
He sent a Copy into Hell,
To be perus'd in a Committe,
Then said a Devil which was wittie,
It serves for nothing, tell the fool,
But to be Napkins at the Stool,
When men exonerat their Tripes,
Or lighting of Tobacco Pipes;
For Hells affairs are ne're atchiev'd
By railing fools, of none believ'd:
Hells fittest Agents, as all grants,
Are those who are reputed Saints.
And thus he made an end of praying.

Then all began to think of staying,
And one another did exhort
For to return and see the sport;
But Sanderson appeared not,
Stout Ralph amated not a jot,
Bravely and resolutely did fall up,
First at the trot, then at the gallop;
Just as the Huggonots, victorious
At Coutrus, charg'd the Duke of Joyeus,
And was upon him ere he wist,
Menaceing him with Tongue and Fist,
With all the Rable in his Rear,
Who followed him to see and hear.

The Squire, who only spoke in jest,
Seeing what he expected least;
He thought they verily were gone,
And that the storm was over blown,
Surprized with the sudden danger
Of Ralph, in such a furious anger,
Whom he thought did already spurn him,
He knew not to what hand to turn him;
At last, his tongue and teeth commences
To vent Adages and Sentences.

It is a saying wise and old,
Quoth he, to make a Bridge of Gold
To fleeing enemies, it's best
To let a sleeping Mastive rest,
Lest he, awaken'd with our knockings,
Tare all our Breeches and our Stockings,
And to the boot, our Shin-bones hole up,
And from our Buttocks take a Collop:
And with his furious teeth our throats cut,
Down which we watered Meal of Oats put;
Which we prefer, with Loch-Broom Herring,
To all the King of Babel's fareing.

A foolish tongue, without remead,
Brings mischief on the owners head;
It is a pestilentious Clout,
Causing contagion all about;
It raiseth jealousies and fears,
Yokes Kings and Subjects by the ears.
What was it else, but tittle tattle,
That brought our Brethren out to Battle?
What stops them more from turning Loyal,
Then tongues of some, esteemed Royal?
With which they persecute those poor souls,
As setting Dogs do Pouts and Muirfowls;
At last, within their Netts ensnared,
And from all hope of pardon barred,
They force those poor men, under hand,
Still to rebel, to get their Land.

My tongue will bring me to that pass,
Quoth he, to which was Hudibras,
Who, when with honour he had got off,
In the adventure that ye wot off,
He not content, but seeking more,
Los'd all that he had gain'd before;
And was brought to a prison Tragick,
In Wooden Castle, made by Magick;
Where he too late laments his mishapes,
As Ladies, when they do not Misclaps
From Gallants, of their own procuring,
From Husbands, when they go a-whoring.

Having dispatch'd this Phrygian wisdom,
Like Malefactor getting his doom,
He strained what he could, to shew
A tres bon mein en mau vais Jeu.
He out with Basket-hilt and Dudgeon,
(While from his eyes came a deludge on,
As from the eyes of Children whipped,
Or sore Horse-eyes, with Vitriol nipped,)
Stands at his posture, Fencer-like,
And was within an Ace to strike;
Yet on the sudden, doth advise.
To take a course by far more wise.

Wise men, quoth he, as all men knows,
Try all things first, ere they try blows.
When Rome to Conquer, all was hasting,
Peace was the first, War was the last thing
They did practise to subdue Nations,
VVho loved not such Innovations.
If I the truth of Story miss not,
This is the Cardo of the Dispute.
And if my reasons do no good,
I'le dye their Breeches with their Blood:
But this within himself he mutters,
And then these words to Ralph he utters.

VVhat means this furious hurly burly?
Friend Ralph, quoth he, I tell thee surely,
I am no private man; believe,
I am a Representative:
To force me to Degladiations,
Is contrare to the Law of Nations:
Though thou me should bang back and side,
I could it (Honour safe) abide.
Brave Mansfield, challeng'd by Baumaris,
Refused once to fight at Paris;
Because he did Negotiat
VVith Publick Trust Affairs of State.
The Spanish Agent Don Henriques,
Put up a great affront of Criques,
VVho once at Rome, his pride to danton,
His Nose saluted with a Panton.
Dost thou esteem me such a Coward,
To be afraid of one as thou art?
Thy threatnings are like Childrens Squibs,
Though they singe Cloaths, they break no Ribs
VVere it not that my Sword is rusted,
VVere it not that I am entrusted
VVith things of such a high concernment,
As Presbyterian Church-Government;
For all thy frownings and thy cloudings,
I would send Sun-shine through thy Puddings.
I do thee as a friend advise,
('Tis better soon then late be wise)
That thou would let alone this Sword-fight.
And graple with me in a Word-fight;
Let's try who others best can Confute,
This is the Cardo of the Dispute,
If Synod-members, and Church-wardens
Be Bears, and Synods be Bear-Gardens.
Thou dost affirm, I do deny,
Prov't if thou can, I thee defy.

One might have known by Ralpho's face,
He lov'd not VVar so well as Peace;
He only counterfeited courage,
His wrath, teeth-forward, was not true rage.
Yet he his passion so dissembled,
That Squire at first both shak'd and trembled;
But when he heard the Squire speak big words
That in his Belly he would dig Swords,
He looked then as if his Nose bled,
And such a Flea within his Hose had,
That in his mind was great confusion,
Till he considered the conclusion;
Where Peace was offered, and the War gone,
He gave God thanks, like Praise God Bairbon,
A good heart to himself he took then,
And these same very words he spoke then,
Which once the great Turk Solymanus
Spoke to Vilerius Liladamus;
Having him under, at such odds,
That he was forc'd to quit the Rhodes.

I'me glade to hear that now thy mind
Is more to Peace then War inclin'd;
Then adds he, fighting is a fool thing,
What doth it else but sturt and dool bring.
It's better Tongues decide the matter,
Then other Noddles pelt and batter.
Now others beck, now others Dock hit,
As feathred Fencers do in Cock-pit;
Who fights but in their own defences,
Let them be Kings, let them be Princes,
By Law and Reason I them can bind,
That they are enemies to mankind;
As witnesseth Sir Thomas Kellie,
And Grotius de Jure Belli.
What are such Warriours but oppressors;
And many times we see aggressors,
Who trouble other mens reposes,
Gain nothing else but bloody Noses:
Who quarrels pick with Neighbour Nations,
Get Halberts thrust through their Fundations,
As we may read in many a Book
Of Charles that Burgndian Duke.
Poor High-way-men, with tattred hose, are
Not Robbers half so great, as those are,
Who Diadems wear on their head,
And make so many living dead;
And so much Christian blood mispends;
Either for French or Spanish ends:
These first, poor Rogues, will pick a Pocket,
And break a Door up when it's locket;
And on the High-way will a Purse take,
When cold and hunger makes their Guts ake.
Those latter, with their Armies Legions,
Robes Kingdoms, Castles, Towns and Regions:
As said two ten Tuns Ships Commander
To Macedonian Alexauder.

But now, let us come to the question,
The which was raised the Contest on,
Since thou so hard dost put me to it,
I'le let thee see that I can do it:
And have both will and wit to reckon,
And beat thee at thy own tongue-weapon.
Better perhaps, then thou believes,
I'le prove these two affirmatives:
That Synod-menbers, and Church-wardens
Are Bears, and Synods are Bear-gardens.
Thus said, his fingers he dispatches
Unto his head, and winking scratches,
First from the Van, unto the Reer,
And then athwart, from ear to ear;
While like sagacious Hound, he traces,
And windeth all the Topick places:
Till in the end prepared, Satis,
He disputes thus a Comparatis.

And first, quoth he, it's clear to all,
They have the same original:
For twenty Shillings to a Bodle,
Both are the birth of humane nodle.
Both are in that degree of kin,
As other brethren uterine.
Its certain, there is never a word
Of either, in Scripture, on record:
And without question and all doubt,
Thus Bear-baiting may be made out
By holy writ, as lawful as is,
That Chain of Presbyrerian Classis.
This for their birth; now for their nature,
If with deliberation mature
The case we ponder, beasts of prey
And rapine, as are Bears are they
Who do establish Gospel order
By Rapine, Sacriledge, and Murder.
What are their Orders, Constitutions,
Church-censures, Curses, Absolutions?
But several mystick Chains they make,
To ty poor Christians to the Stake:
And then set Heathen Officers,
Instead of Dogs, about their ears.

What else are Synods, but Bear-gardens,
Where Elders, Deputies, Church-wardens,
And other members of the Court
Manage the Babylonish sport:
For Prolocutor, Scribe, and Bear-ward,
Do differ only in a meer word:
Both are but several Synagogues
Of Carnal men, and Bears, and Dogs:
Both Antichristian Assemblies,
To mischief bent, as far's in them lyes:
Both sttave and tail with fierce contests,
The one with men, the other Beasts:
The difference is, the one fights with
The tongue, the other with the teeth:
And that they bait but Bears in this,
In th' others Souls and Consciences.

This to the Prophet did appear
Who in a Vision saw a Bear
Prefiguring the beastly rage
Of Church-rule, in this latter age;
Where every Hamlet is govern'd
By's Holiness, the Churches head:
More haughty, and severe in's place,
Then Hildebrand, or Boniface.
Such Church, must surely be a Monster
With maney heads, for if we Conster
What in th' Apocalyps we find,
According to th' Apostles mind;
Ti's, that the Whoore of Babylon,
With many heads, did ride upon.

The Pastors who do rule this Kirk,
What are they, but the handy-work
Of mens Mechanick Paws, instilling
Divinity in them, by feeling.
From whence they start up chosen Vessels,
As folks, by touching, get the Meazles.
So Cardinals, they say, do grope
At th' other end, the new made Pope.
Bell and the Dragon's Chaiplans, were
More moderat then them, by far:
For they, poor Knaves, were glade to cheat,
To get their Wives and Children meat;
But these will not be fob'd off so,
They must have wealth and power too;
Or else they'l make their party good,
By making Nations swim in blood.
And thus I reasoned the Case,
Once with my Master Hudibras.
All that I said was too prolix,
Here to repeat, I only fix
Upon the Morrow, with a few words,

What thou has said's not worth two Cow Turds
Reply'd the Squire, and then he smites
Fore-head with Fist, to rouse his wits;
Which straight did take th' alarm so hot,
That down to Tongue and Teeth they got:
From whence, thus worded out, they flie,
Like Bullets from Artilerie.

Ye Sectaries, quoth he, have bee-heads,
Thy prats, a Cerberus, with three-heads:
Neither of which barks any bon-sence,
But railing, blasphemy, and non-sence:
Thou'rt ignorant in Logicks Art,
As I will show thee ere we part.
But to the point, now I will close,
And reason διαληκτικας.
And first, I say, for my defence,
Thy argument wants Consequence:
Though things agree to both together,
It follows not the one's the other.
Affirmatives, in second figure,
Nothing conclude in Logicks Ligure,
Which any constant man believes,
So we may prove Financiers Thieves,
Camelions Beef and Cabbage eaters,
And Lawyers, and Physicians, cheaters.
That Horse are Men, and Owls are Ounces,
That Privie Counsellers are Dunces:
That Chamber-pots are Looking Glasses,
And Senators of Justice Asses:
That Colledges, and Muses Cavernes
Are Bawdie-houses turn'd, and Taverns:
That Stews are places of Contrition,
And Pulpits, Trumpets of Sedition:
And Merlines Prophesies Evangels,
And Dees Spirits holy Angels:
That all new Scurvies are the Pox,
That Quakers Books are Orthodox:
That rosted Wildcat is fed Lam,
That Gresham Colledge is a Bedlam:
Most of our first Reformers bad-men,
And all the House of Commons mad-men:
That Tallow Cakes are Ambergreese,
That Sun and Moon are Cheshire Cheese
And Whiggs, as loyal in Opinions,
As any of the Kings Dominions.

This for thy form, now for thy matter,
Thou rails one some, others to flatter:
Thy Medium's seeming true, yet false are,
As Turnips growing in the Paltzar;
Or any other fertile ground,
Hollow with Worms, though skin be sound:
Like Aples in the Lake of Sodom,
Like beauties clapped in the Bodom:
Like sour Drink in Silver Tankers:
Like Golden Petticoats on Shankers:
Like bald Heads with Periwiggs:
Like sweet Powder on frisled Giggs,
With aged Ladies now in fashion,
When they would play beside the Cushion.

But who reason in generals,
Th' argument contentions and brauls,
They bring but bout-gates, and golinzies,
Like Dempster disputing with Meinzies.
Men hardly can scratch others faces,
When they are distant twenty paces:
Il'e neerer come thy thrusts to Paree,
Whereas thou dost Argumentaree,
That Bear-baiting may be made out,
Without all question and doubt,
By holy Writ, as lawful as is,
Lay-elder-Presbyterian Classis.
Though few be clear, how doth the thing go?
I answer unto thee distinguo:
For if thou mean by Text express,
Thou speak'st the truth, as all confess.
This is our Orthodox Defence,
Presbytries prov'd by Consequence.
It is no Popish superstition,
By consequential tradition
To prove an Article of Faith,
As learned Polyander saith.
What have our Doctors else to say
For Pædobaptism, or that day
Which chang'd was, when the Church spoke Greek
From last to first day of the Week.
If thou were put to this distress,
To prove Bishops by word express.
Then Oyster-wives might lock their Fish up,
Come to the Streets, and cry, No Bishop.

Whereas thou dost affirm and say,
Presbytry-men are Beasts of Prey,
VVho do establish Gospel-order
By Rapine, Sacriledge, and Murder:
Thy reason hear both but and ben halts,
It's not the causes, but the mens faults.
Unto that Sore, I gave this Plaister,
VVhen I did dispute with my Master:
To blame a cause, for persons vices
Is one of Satans main devices,
VVherewith he very oft doth make
VVell-meaning men the truth forsake.
It's not superfluous and vain
To tell a good Tale ov'r again.

None can deny but these things fell out,
But the true cause thou dost not smell out.
Thy fallacy consists in this,
Thou mak'st a cause where no cause is.
Children are teached in the Schooles,
VVho reason so, they are but fools.
VVas never yet a Reformation
Of Church, in any Age or Nation,
But still the Devil, to make it vain,
The outmost of his wits doth strain:
He beats all Hell up with a Taber,
To make Reformers lose their labour.
VVhen first he sees he doth no good
By persecution and blood,
By seeming Sheep, and yet but Goats,
By VVeeds appearing VVheat and Oats,
By seeming Diamonds, yet but Glass,
By seeming, Gold and yet but Brass,
By Serpents in appearance Fish,
By Silver Potles fill'd with Pish,
By Saints without, and Fiends within,
He strives the cause to undermine:
As is recorded in the Pages
Of Stories written in all Ages.
VVhen Christ appeared, came a Theudas,
And with Saint Peter, came a Judas;
With Luther, Rotmans Knipperdolings,
Who troubled Munster with their foolings.
David Georges, Johns of Leyden,
As is at large describ'd by Sleyden.
When Calvin came, then came Socinians:
When Perbins came, then came Arminians:
With Hendersons, and Cants, and Trails,
Came some, who whisked Ladies Tails.
Who for such take us, are to blame, as
One would revile St. Paul for Demas.
And others also came, to wit,
These Locusts of the th' Infernal Pit:
Who seem'd at first all Covenant-takers,
But straight turned Anabaptists, Quakers,
Artemonits, Photinions,
Servetians, Socinians,
Manitheans, Novations,
Scepticks, and Corpocrocians,
Prochanits, Sabellians,
Setheans, Circumcellians;
Herodians, Herminians,
Somonians, Armenians,
Docitheans, Menandrians,
Eunomeans, Cassandrians,
Eutichians, Nestorians,
And Doctor Hernry Morians;
Noetians, and Martionitæ,
Gnosticks, and Anthropomorphit.
Gortheans, and Calphurnitans,
And Mr. Gilbert Burnetans;
Meletians, and Arrians,
And Antisabatarians;
Helvidians, Cainians,
Coluthians, Agrippinians;
Some Chiliasts, and Lampetians,
Some prove Melchizedecians,
Cleobians, Florinians,
And some prove Maximinians:
Abelians, Thebusians,
Ophitæ, and Pepusrans,
Rhetorians, Quintilianists,
Circoterists, Pristilianists,
Eucratits, Hermogenians,
Marians, and Origenians,
Corintheans, and Alogians:
Some half some whole Peligians,
Some Antitactæ, some Montences;
Ascitæ some, some Royatenses,
Some Donatists, Volesians,
Some Archonticks, some Ætians.
And some turn Theodotians;
Tascodrongits, Nepotians,
And some Disciples turn'd of Brown,
VVho first infected every Town;
Doritheans, and Fratricels,
Some Neilorists, with Hood and Bells;
Some Transilvanian Tritheitæ,
VVho once made drunk with Aquavitæ:
VVith Fists Alstedius did belabour,
And tore the Beard of Bethlehem Gabor:
Some Adamits, who as the speech is,
Cast off their Petticoats and Breeches:
Some other Hereticks more gross,
Describ'd by Alexander Ross;
For which, at present I want time,
And though I had, I have not Rhime.

That thy Bear-simile may jump,
Those were our Tails, that was our Rump,
VVhich from our Buttocks being broke off,
Did all these horrid things you spoke of.
But if thou still insist to rail,
Saying, we did them with our Tail:
That cavel's very quickly put off,
'Twas with our Tails, when they were cut off.
If with my cut off Arms and Legs
Thou Bishops Noddles Crush like Eggs;
Not I, late owner of the same,
But thou who strikes, must bear the blame.
It's true indeed, at the beginning
VVe smelled those things were a-spinning;
But who leads Ladies through the streets,
Expecting favour within Sheets,
Coming to places, fy upon't,
VVhere none but one can pass in front,
So Barricado'd is the way,
With emptied Privies, Mire and Clay:
If they find no clean place to stand on,
Yet ere their Mistriss they abandon,
Through dung they march, like a bold Fellow,
Till Shoes and Stockins grow Gold yellow.
This is our case, if I have skill,
Make the Apodosis who will,
The sum is in our ends, we mean well,
Though means we us'd, cannot sustain well.

Whereas thou sayest, our Constitutions,
Church-censures, Curses, Absolutions,
Are several Mystick Chains we make,
To ty poor Christians to the Stake,
And then set Heathen Officers
Instead of Dogs about their ears.
At all thou dost not prove the question;
The which was raised the Contest on.
Madness within thy Brains hath far got,
Proving them Bears, thou proves they are not.
Whoever yet did see or hear,
That Bears yoak't Dogs upon a Bear?
As said thy Master, that brave man too,
Who reason'd better then I can do,
If Synod-Members, and Church-wardens
Be no Bears, Synods no Bear-gardens
Are, as to these is evident, Satis,
Who reason can a Conjugatis.
Thus worse then any man believes,
Thou proves these two affirmatives:
And after thou has Crackt so crouse,
Thy Mountains do bring forth a Mouse.

Whereas thou Presbytry dost Conster
To be th' Apocalyptick Monster:
Likewise to be this very Bear.
Which to the Prophet did appear;
Prefiguring the beastly rage
Of Church rule in this latter age:
Thou dost interpret Scriptures odly,
That thou may'st rail upon the Godly:
A Scripturest thou proves, as he was,
In whose fool Bonnet-case a Bee was,
Who needs would Presbytry have the Cabal
Deciphered of the Whore of Babel,
The Antichrist which Saints Blood spilled,
And Enoch and Elias killed.
He was so mad, he thought no shame
Those very murdred Saints to name,
It's sure either was distracted,
Or on a Stage the Fool he acted.
I'm confident and do believe,
If these two brave men were alive,
They would get Bedlam for their pains,
Who hatch such glosses in their brains.
It's lamentable, many deem
None love the King, but who blaspheme,
And still make holy Writ the Scale, on
Which they take measures for to rail on.
Presbytrie for the King more stout, as
Those whom the very Children flout, as
Champions, who though tongue-valiant,
Yet meeting with a fierce assailant,
Though with their tongue they take his part,
Their actions are not with a fart.
They may well drink his health in Taverns,
And speak big words in Holes and Caverns,
Devising Stories, Lies, and Fables;
Call his most Loyal Subjects Rebels;
But when they come to blows and knocks,
They face about, and turn their Docks.
Runs to their Pottle, which they mind most,
Crying, the Devil take the hind-most.

Where thou say'st, Preachers of our Kirk,
And Pastors, are the handie-work
Of mens mechanick paws, instilling
Divinity in them by feeling:
From whence they start up chosen Vessels,
As men by touch get Itch and Meazels.
I see not clearly what thou means here,
I think thou blasphemy sustains here:
This with our Church Monomachie
Ends with a Gigantomathie.
First, having fallen on her out-works,
Or hedge, thy fancy round about works,
Till in the end thou find occasion,
Thinking she can make no evasion:
Then thou with this blasphemous dart
Thinks for to shoot her through the heart:
Like Malefactor ty'd to Post,
By railing on the Holy Ghost.
The author of Manual Imposition,
By Text express, and by Tradition,
Thy own and others souls deluding,
By such prophane similituding.
No Porphyre, Julian, or Celsus,
(As all the ancient Stories tells us)
The Christian Faith blasphem'd, as thou doth,
And others like thee, not a few doth:
VVho bred, out of the peccant humors
Of this our Church, like Wens and Tumors;
Like Maggots bred within a sore,
Would that which gave them life devour.
Thou'lt say, these last four Lines were stollen.
I answer with that Red-shank sullen,
Once challenged, for stealling Beef.
I stole then from another Thief.
Now since thy Sophistrie's confuted,
I end, to have my Lungs recruited.

When Ralph intended to reply,
His voice was drowned with a cry
Of those, contending who the better
Had, of the Champions, some the latter,
Some the first, and some said neither,
And some affirm'd, they knew not whether.

There was, among the rest, a fellow
Of swarthy hue, enclin'd to yellow;
His hide enambled with itch was,
He just splea-footed, like a Witch was:
He was both broad and tall of person,
With a long Sword behind his Arse on,
Which he said was to serve the King;
Some think he meant another thing:
However he was such a person
'Twas thought among them all was scarce one
Who better understood how things went,
What Rumps and Presbytries disigns meant,
And the Kings too, it's known he
Had sometime served all the three.
They all conjured then alone him,
That he would take the speech upon him,
And finally decide the matter,
Who had the worst, who had the better:
Which unto him would be but small pains,
Who under all had made no small gains:
At which requist the Cacodæmon
Upon him took to be Palemon.
While Advocats of both the Parties
With earnest and with piercing heart eyes
Expect his doome, like Nero praying
For justice to his Fidle playing.

It's sport, quoth he, to be Spectators
To such a pair of Gladiators:
To see how they on other thump,
He the Lay-elders, he the Rump,
Others affront with such disgraces,
And so throw dung on others faces.
When thieves reekon, it's oft-times known
That honest people get their own.
By sad experience found it was, how
That both these parties, pari passu
Had ruine brought, and desolations
On their own, and their neighbours Nations:
When one the other had ov'rcome,
And trode all under foot at home,
Then they send out their wooden high-towers,
To trouble the repose of Neighbours:
And some times hither, some times thither,
Set Europe by the ears together:
That troubled with their mutual factions,
They might not pry into their actions:
Which were, as all the World doth ken,
Abhorred both by God and men.
Nought more secureth desperat matters,
Then fishing doth in troubled waters.
By such like policy and slight,
They brought their power to such a hight,
That Denmark, Holland, France, and Spain,
And Sweden did strive with might and main,
With humble and submissive speeches,
To get the first kiss of their Breeches.
They brought upon all such a terror,
All seem'd to idolize their error,
But thanks to God, and Albemarle,
We now delivered are from peril.

But none to thee, reply'd the Squire,
(His breast so filled was with ire,
That's eyes both sparkled and scintilled)
Like Wolf, or Wild-cat, when it's killed.
It's known thou didst what e're thou could,
(But yet not so much as thou would)
To make us still under that peril
which was remov'd by Albemarle.
To prospering King loyal to wonder,
Still traitor to him when at under.
VVhen thou, at playing with both hands,
Has got Inheritance and Lands,
Thou takes upon thee now to teach,
And like a Fox, to Lambs doth Preach.
That both of us did desolations
And ruine bring upon the Nations,
I answer, both did mischief bring,
VVe by mistake, they by design:
VVhen all is true thou say'st, yet that's but
Like Monkeys Chesnuts, with a Cats foot
Pulling from Ashes, or from Embers:
Bathrons for grief of scoarched members,
Doth fall a fussing, and meawing,
While Monkeys are the Chesnuts Chewing:
Yet more by policy then force,
They made our Brethren, Foot and Horse
To pull them Chesnuts from the fire,
And wealth and power to them acquire:
By which they did all Europ toss,
While we got infamy and loss.
Though I should teeth beat, like a Tabor,
With tongue, I fear I lose my labour.
We by experience do find,
That a proud stubborn froward mind
With prejudice intoxicated,
Can hardly be indoctrinated:
And yet my labour's not mispent,
If any be indifferent,
They'l find, as Sun doth shine in clear day,
That we were only Rogues by hear-say,
But fools indeed, which we will mend
When we grow wiser, there's an end.
But now I straight will to the King,
Discharge the Message which I bring:
Perhaps his Majesty will grant,
If well informed, what we want.
However, I hope he will not fail
To hear till I tell out my tale.
Though others foam, and fret, and chaff,
I hope his Majestie will laff.
Having this spoke, his Horse he switches,
First on the Snowt, then on the Breeches;
Who half a sleep, at last was got
With much difficulty to trot.
Yet some times paus'd he in the middle,
Like Cadance keepers to a Fiddle;
With rest alternative, and motion,
The Squire rides on with great devotion,
Till he came to his journeys end,
H'alights, and doth not long attend,
When some there came, who did him bring
Straight to the presence of the King;
Whom he espying, bow'd his knee,
And said, if't please your Majestie.

The sun indifferently on all shines,
As well on low Shrubs, as on tall Pines:
God hears the cry's of rich and poor:
Wise Solomon, to right a Whore
Resolv'd a doubt, to all mens wonder,
Feigning to cleave the child asunder.
Your Majesties wisdom inherent,
And goodness, who are Gods Vicegerent,
Will not disdain to hear complaints
Of us, though but rejectaments.
Ye'll hear me, Sir, defend our Cause,
Though it be contrare to the Laws:
That ye may solve that Gordian knot,
If we be Rebells, and if not;
If we be fools, wh'affirms we're neither,
He is a liar, though my Father.
I'le use no speech with Art besprinkled,
Like Fairding on a face that's wrinkled:
Without Rhetoricating fond shows,
While I speak, Sir, as't in the ground grows,
If ye a gracious ear afford,
Shame fall me if I lie a word.

Most men affirm, they do not see what
We Non-Conformists now would be at:
That we're more sundred in opinions,
Then are the King of Spains Dominions:
Then gazers on the late new Star were,
Then the Commanders at Dunbar were.
Then Lawyers and Physicians Counsels,
Then Wives who Kail and Herbs in Town sells;
Canvassing things in Church and State,
When drink has set aloft our Pate.
Where once w'agree, three times we squable,
As doth a Bag-pipe's Base and Treble.
One fears that which another hopes for,
Like Cardinals, when they make Popes, or
Like Heirs of Line, or Heirs of Tailzies,
Or Gild, or Tradesmen making Bailzies.
Now whether these be rants and flaws,
Devis'd, Sir, to defame our Cause;
Or whether there be something in it,
Hear out my Tale, now I begin it:
If I conjecture not amiss,
The marrow of the matter's this.

Some while ago, Sir, I was sent
Your Majesty to complement,
To beg some Preachers which we wanted,
But ere I came, Sir, they were granted:
When all expected thanks most hearty
To you, from all the godly party;
I was informed by a Letter,
Were grown the Devil a whit the better.
Our old blind zeal within us still bides,
We haunt Conventicles on Hill-sides,
Gives to our Preachers blows and knocks,
For which we'r put in Irons and Stocks.
I wondred what the matter meant,
I thought, Sir, that the Devil was in't,
At length I was inform'd of new,
The fault was only of a few;
Not of us all, and these we ken
Have ever been John Thomsons men,
That is still ruled by their Wives,
Who carping at some Preachers lives,
And reading their erroneous Books,
Oppugning Doctrine Orthodox:
Cry'd out, Prophanity and Atheism,
Gross Popery and Arminianism
Is brought upon us by the Prelats,
With such expressions, those Shee-zealots
Wrought so upon their Husbands fancy,
That they from Fever fell to Frenzy,
Threw at their Preachers Stones and Clods,
As setters up of other Gods,
As Baal, Beelzebub, and Dagon,
The Apocalyptick Whore and Dragon.

Though such proceedings be half treason,
Yet to inform you there is reason:
If any introduce the Schisme
Of Popery, or Arminianisme.
That Popes, Sir, are most dangerous things
To Princes, Emperours, and Kings,
They set their feet upon their neck,
They make them, Sir, kneel down and beck,
To hold their Sirrop when they ride,
And run like Lackeys at their side:
They make them bow down mouth and nose,
To kiss, and smell, their sweaty toes:
Makes them stand bare-foot at their Gates,
And buy their peace at monstrous rates.
They must have from them power all,
Both spritual and temporal,
Or they'l hunt men to cut their throats,
And blow them up with Powder plots;
As both your Grand-fathers can tell,
Yea, they will curse their souls to hell,
And give their Kingdoms to another,
Who pays most to their Bastards Mother,
It's long since for the Holy Ghost
At Rome Olympias rul'd the Rost:
Who think the practice far more sweeter
Of Simon Magus, then Simon Peter.
That I speak truth, Sir, within measure,
Appears by Don' Olympias Treasure,
The next Successor of St. Peter
Thought he could take a course no fitter,
Then part the Simoniack pelf,
And take the one half to himself.
Then said one, though a Conclave Brother,
It went from one Thief to another.

Strange! any Orthodox Divine
Should doubt who is the Man of Sin?
Which questionless they had not done,
If they had read on Paul and John,
Who paints him in their Prophesies,
As they had seen him with their eyes.
What e're Divine of your Dominions
Vents to the world such opinions,
Let them be Gold, let them be Glass,
A Serpent lurks within the Grass.
It's thought the Earl of Wiltshire's Spaniel
Knew Antichrist, foretold by Daniel,
And Paul and John, better then they
Who study Scripture every day.
When that the Pope held out his foot
For to be kissed round about,
Wond'ring to see the Carle so vain,
He snatch'd it till he piss'd again.
This much of those erroneous Books,
Oppugning Doctrine Orthodox.

Next, Sir, as for those Preachers lives,
So much cry'd out on by our Wives,
All the account that I can give on't
Is, that my Minnie hath the lave on't.
I wish them keep a sober diet,
Or, if they drink, Sir, keep it quiet:
If openly they haunt the Brewers,
We'll not secure them from stone-throwers
We cannot help it for our life,
Sir, who can rule a Lawless Wife?
To make a willful Wife her fits mend,
Would put your self, Sir, to your wits end.
Though they cause whip them through the Town.
Though they them hang, though they them drown,
Seing Priests drunk at third Bell ringing,
They'l up with stones, and fall a flinging.

And thus, Sir, I have shew'd you how
The fault is only of a few,
And not of all, and their defence
Is, that they follow Conscience:
If it be so, by Bishops leaves,
They cannot well be called knaves:
What e're they be, it may be said,
Knaves never yet a Conscience had.
And that a greater slander refels,
If they be no knaves, they'r no rebels:
I doubt any Logician can
A rebel prove an honest man.
What are they then? wee need n'advise,
They'r poor folks, large as daft as wise.
If they be such, and wish you well,
As others of their actions tell,
When in the English Troupers faces
They you remembred in their Graces.
That there may be a solid peace,
Remove the cause, th' effect will cease.
Take notice of those whimsey Books,
Which in effect are heterodox.
If once those Preachers mend their lives,
There will be no Stone-throwing Wives.
Forbid them scandalize the Leidges,
By drinking healths to Ports and Bridges,
To Whore of Babel, and to Giggs,
And to preveen complaints of Whiggs,
To scratch their skin, cut Caps and Cloaths,
And swear 'twas Whiggs, with monstrous oaths
But see misfortune and mishap,
For scratch of Skin, and cut of Cap
Examined to strictest rigours,
Had different Geometrick Figures.
Though Cap was hither mov'd and thither,
The wounds could ne're agree together.
Such scandal makes the Gospel stink,
Such Books and Priests remov'd, I think
We'll keep the nine and twenty May-day,
On Thursday, Saturnday, or Friday;
On Tuesday, Wednesday, and Munday,
Or any other day but Sunday.
Yea, Sir, when ye have ought adoe,
To hazard lives and fortunes too.
We will be ready at your call,
Else plague of God upon us all.

Observing how they all espy'd him,
Cheifly how all the Ladies ey'd him;
Was none among them all so coy,
Whom he had not made laugh for joy:
Believing, of them all was scarce one
That honoured not his parts and person.
He ears begins to prick, and neigh too,
Just like a Ston'd Horse in a Meadow:
Yet curbing, as he could, his passion,
Till he should better learn the fashion:
He made a Congee, and got him down,
To see the rar'ties of the Town.

How he did visit Bedlam fool-men,
And disputed with Gresham-School-men;
Discoursing of their Pigs and Whistles,
And strange experiments of Musscls,
Of Resurections of Ratts,
And of the Language us'd by Catts,
When in the night they go a Cating,
And fall a scolding and a prating:
Of their blood borrowing and lending,
And all the Ancients wisdom mending;
Perhaps ye'll hear another time,
When I want Money and get Rhime.
I have no leasure for it now
Let it suffice, to tell you how,
That going home-wards near to High-gate,
His Muse had on her such a gay foot,
That seeing London flee his view,
He stands, and bids it thus, Adieu.

From hard Calamities of Wars,
and ruines caus'd by fire,
A noble work thou dost arise,
like Phenix from it's Sire.
How stately Buildings thee adorn.
and Towers which smite the Sky,
Whose Bells do, by their melody,
Apollo's Harp out-vy.
More famous, skilful Artisans,
the world never had:
Thy Merchands worth Nobilitates,
the wealth he gets by Trade.
Thy Bishops zeal and Pietie
up through the Heavens do flee;
Thy Magistrats, who thee govern,
might Roman Consuls be.
Immortal vertues eloquence,
and deep insight of mind;
Thy Muses, those of Pallas Town
are not a jot behind.
And as the Sun, unto the world
communicats his light;
So by thy Kings resplendant beams,
brave Town, thou shines so bright.
So Rome arose, after the Gaules
had it destroy'd by flame.
Till in the end, the worlds bounds
and Romes, did prove the same.
London, that path by the begun,
if thou insist upon,
Strange, if the Worlds Empire and thine
in end prove not the same.
But now, thy buildings flee my sight,
thy Towres go out of view,
I bid thee then, with weeping eyes,
most generous Town, Adieu.