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Mock Poem

Or, Whiggs Supplication [by Samuel Colvil]

Colvil, Samuel

PART I.

A Debate between the Knight and Squire, about the mending of the Petition, and who should carry it to the King.

II.

PART II.

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I. PART I.

Argument.

Aster invocking of the Muse,
As many learned Poets use:
Next is describ'd the time of year
When Whiggs in Armour did appear,
The Good-man's Person, and his Weed,
His Armour, Lady, Squire, and Steed,
Dog, and Pigeon, and his mind
All Allegories, where ye find

Clothed with many a sensless word,
Mysterious things, not with a turd:
As said one in a reverend Coat,
Or else he understood them not.
As lately, when he Scripture-vext,
He forc'd was to say off his Text:
And then ye have a supplication
Greatly misconstrued of the Nation.
At first they dispute how to mend it;
And then advise by whom to send it:
Where Knight and Squire each other thump,
As did De Ruyter and Van Trump.

Who ever thou art, Muse, who dost make
By force of Brandy, Ale, and Sack,
Some who both words and matter want,
Admired of the ignorant:
In whom sagacious noses snuff;
Nought worth but Plagiary stuff,
By which they purchase praise and money,
When Bees have toil'd, Drons eat the Honey.

Inspire me with Poetick surie,
That I may likewise favour Currie:
VVith all men to augment my Pack,
By making Lines not worth a Plack:
Some of eight Syllabs, some of ten,
Some borrowed from other men:
As Cleveland, Don, or Tass Divine,
Some ill translated from Marine;
Some Oedipus cannot not unridle,
Some sounding like a blind mans Fiddle,
Observing neither tune nor time,
Some nonsense to make up the Rime.
Though I speak true, or false, no matter,
If I traduce, some others flatter.
So sundry men were us'd of late,
As they were on or off the State.
Grant that I may curb all Backbiters,
Of Surplice, High-sleev'd Gowns, and Miters,
And Church-governing Paradoxes,
Of Calvins followers, and Knoxes.

In mystick allegorick tone,
Scarce understood by any one.
Grant me to scold, revile and prat,
Shame fall me, if my self knows what:
When Rhime bursts out from breast inrag'd,
Like turds from puddings overcharg'd;
Some galling, other some to laughter,
Moving like Parrat when it's taught her.
Hoping my prayer thou wilt hear,
O Muse! have at the time of year;
When Whiggs from lurking-holes did sally,
And in the open fields did rally.

It was about the time when Oysters
Abound so with venereous moystures,
That they are used Even and Morn
By those that do their Neighbour horn;
Which doth their prices so inhance
At Englands Court, and that of France,
That Oyster-Wives have money ready
To make their Daughter somtime Lady:
As doth appear by one of late

Whose Son-in-Law bore sway in State.
When snow makes dikes and mountains white,
When folks by Physick seldom shite,
Except there be some Pocky reason;
When Mutton weareth out of season,
In stead of which, at every meal,
When men eat rosted Hens and Veal.
And those at Forth eat Garvie Fishes,
Then fittest to be serv'd in dishes;
Which to the pallat pleasing proves,
Like Adriatiq; Gulph Anchoves.
When that the Blak bird hoarsly whistles,
When Trouts and Abercorn Mussles
Are stark nought; when that the Swallow
Lyes sleeping in her own tallow,
Within some sub-terranean hole;
When under the Antarctiq; Pole
There is no night, under our other,
A man cannot discern his Brother,
It is so dark; when Summers heats
Scroatcheth the Magellaniq; straits,

And burneth up the Corn and Hay
About the Caput bonæ Spei:
If that be tedious to remember,
It was in Januar, or December,
When I did see the out-law Whiggs
Ly scattered up and down the Riggs:
Some had Hoggers, some Straw Boots,
Some uncovered Legs and Coots:
Some had Halbards, some had Durks,
Some had crooked Swords like Turks:
Some had Stings, some had Flails
Knit with Eel and Oxen tails:
Some had Spears, some had Pikes,
Some had Spades which delved Dikes:
Some had Guns with rousty Ratches,
Some had fiery Peats for Matches.
Some had Bows, but wanted Arrows,
Some had Pistols without marrows;
Some had the Coulter of a Plough:
Some Syths had, men and horse to hough:
And some with a Lochaber Ax,

Resolv'd to give Dalzell his paiks.
Some had Cross-Bows, some were Slingers,
Some had only Knives and Whingers.
But most of all, believe who lists,
Had nought to fight with, but their Fists:
They had no Collours to display,
They wanted Order and Array:
Their Officers and Motion-teachers
Were very few, beside their Preachers.
Without Horse. or Artilzery-pieces,
They thought to imitate the Swises;
When from Navar they sallied out.
Tremovile and brave Trivulce to rout.
For Martial Musick, every day
They used oft to sing and pray;
Which hearts them more when danger comes,
Then others Trumpets and their Drums.
With such provision as they had,
They were so stout, or else so mad,
As to petition once again,
And if the issue proved vain,

They were resolv'd with one accord
To fight the battles of the Lord.

Upon their head march'd the Good-man,
Like Scanderbeg, or Tamerlane.
Dame Nature straind her outmost care,
To mould him for a man of War:
A terrible and a dreadfull foe,
As doth appear from top to toe.
The shape and fashion of his head,
Was like a Con, or Pyramid:
Or for to speak in terms more groff,
was just like Suggar Loaf:
Or like the head of Rob the Cripple,
Or like the spear of Magdalen Steeple:
Or like the bottom of a Tap,
Or like a furr'd Muscovia Cap.
They who the South-east Countries haunts,
Affirm such heads have Turkish Saints:
Which as some learned Writers notes,
Are here with us call'd Idiots.

Because long hair the wit dot dull,
Nought was between Heaven and his Skull:
His Ears was long, and stood upright,
Which did so well become the Knight:
That at some distance he seem'd horn'd,
His one eye was with pearl adorn'd;
His other eye lookt so a-squint,
That it was hard to ward his dint:
From thence down to his mouth arose
A mountain rather then a nose;
Upon which Savage beasts did feed,
As Worms, and Selkhorns, which with speed
Would eat it up, but he begins
In time to pick them out with Pins.
His lips were thick, his mouth was wide,
His teeth each other did bestride:
His tongue was big, though well he meant,
He was not very eloquent.
His beard was long, and red, and thin,
Making a Ball-green on his Chin:
As trees do sometime in a Wood,

Where Horse and Oxen gather food:
His Arms were stiff like Barrow-trams,
His Hands were hued like reisted Hams:
At Finger-ends he never fails
To have the King of Babel's Nails,
Which sooner then a Knife, by half,
Will cut the throat of Sheep or Calf.
When he, not loving to be idle,
Turns Cook to any Peny-Bridle.
They scrape up Works about his Leagure,
A great deal stronger, and far bigger
Then those made by Don Pedro Saa,
When Spinola besiedg'd Breda.
He had a Lump upon his Back,
Which some took for a Pedlers Pack:
But other some did it suppose
A Bagg which kept his Meal for Brose.
But neither conjecture was good,
It was a lump of Flesh and Blood.
His Womb stood out an eln before,
As far behind his Bumm, and more:

When overcharg'd, it made a sound,
Which did like Earthquake shake the ground.
With which, as Sentrie, when he sleeps,
His Cloaths from Mice and Rats he keeps;
Which to his Pockets swarm like Bees,
Finding the smell of Bread and Cheese,
Which several times the fainting Knight
Doth take for Cordials in the night.
But when the Beasts do hear the Thunder,
They'r so amaz'd with fear and wonder,
That to the Gate go Mice and Rats,
As fast, as if pursu'd by Cats.
Was never man in those Dominions.
About whose Legs were more opinions.
First, there are many who avow
They are like an inverted V.
And other some do stiffly jangle,
That they and Thighs make a Quadrangle.
Some think, that Thighs joyning, they gape,
In Circular, or Oval shape:
And other some are, who avouch

Then Semi-circles in a touch.
And other some, there are who tells,
They'r Semi-circles paralels.
But those who on them better looked,
Say one was straight, the other crooked:
Not as in touching they did make,
That famous Angle of Contact.
Which Euclids demonstration shows,
If in their Juncture ye put straws.
The truth is, they in every thing,
Resemble do a Bow and String;
The one straight to the other bending,
Is like a Chord an Arch subtending:
In which Schem, if ye draw some Lines,
Ye may have Secants, Tangents, Sines,
Which Ale-pot measuring much enables,
By help of Logarithmiq; Tables;
Which questions soonest do decide,
For by Substraction they Divide,
And Multiplieth by Addition,
As now doth Popish superstition,

Which multiplieth every day,
Having some added to its way.
Their entry to that Church is fine,
They Re-baptize them all with Wine,
Which their Apostles think far better
To wash away mens sins, then water.
Now all's describ'd to feet and toes,
Which I could not see for his shooes:
Some say, his toes, who saw his feet,
Resembled an Alphabet,
Greek, Syriack, or Arabick,
Or Breviations Stenographick;
Which they do counterfeit like Apes,
With great variety of shapes.

You may believe it as your Creed:
Such was his Armour and his weed;
He wore a pair of Pullion Breeches,
A Yellow Doublet with blew Steeches,
A long black Cassock over his Ars,
As he had been the fool of Mars:

He had on each Leg a Gramash,
A Top of Lint for his Panash,
Which bravely flourish'd in his Crest,
A folded Cloak for Back and Breast.
A Glove of Plate, which once was worn
By Black Dowglas at Bannockburn.
For Head-piece, a Cowl lin'd with Iron,
Which did his Temples so inviron,
That it would cost a world of pains
For any to beat out his Brains.
A Blunderbush hang'd at his back,
Of terrible report and crack;
As have a lower Tire of Guns,
Shot from a Ship of many Tuns.
A Horse he never doth bestride,
Without a Pistol at each side:
And without other two before,
One at either Sadle Tore.
But now when he hath much ado,
He hath one in each Pocket too.
A Sword which woundeth deep and wide,

A Target of a seven-fold Hide:
A very strange enchanted Lance,
Whose touch makes men from Sadle dance
As sometimes of old did another,
Belonging to Angeliques Brother,
And after to the English Duke,
As mentions Ariosto's Book.
And thus with more Arms he doth ride,
Then other twenty had beside.
Whether he gain the day, or tine,
He never misseth to kill nine:
As doth appear to all who reckons,
Justly the number of his Weapons.
Among ten thousand, all alone,
With every Weapon he kills one.
Some say, he used to take lives
With Whingers, and Kilmarnock Knives:
But he thinks that belongs to Boutchers,
And others, like Damæta's Coutchers.
For when with any he doth swagger,
He seldome useth Knife, or Dagger:

Except they come in wrestling terms,
Permitted by the Law of Arms.
The Laws of Knighthood he doth keep,
Not killing Men like Calves or Sheep.

I ask'd at several who he was,
Some said he was Sir Hudibras,
Deceived by his boulky Paunch:
Some said Don Quixot de la Maunch,
Which was more like then was the other,
In many things he was his Brother.

First, in his head were many fancies,
Bred by the reading of Romances.
He thought before the day of Doom
The Covenanters would burn Rome,
And trample down the Man of Sin,
He thought the work he would begin,
And to the glory of his Nation,
Accomplish all the Revelation.
Prat what they please in Popish Schools,

Hammond and Grotius were but fools,
Who say, it is fulfil'd already,
Must think they prayed to our Lady.
They aim'd at Reconciliation,
Between the Pope and every Nation.
All other things they could pack up,
If ye take not from them the Cup:
And they had reason, for in truth,
Some think they had a burning drouth.

Next, like Don Quixot, some suppose,
He had a Lady Del to Bose,
Who never budged from his side,
Upon a pair of Sodds astride:
By whose sole industry and care,
He manag'd all the holy War.
We read in greatest Warriours lives,
They oft were ruled by their Wives.
The Worlds Conquerour, Alexander,
Obey'd a Lady his Commander,
And Anthony that Drunkard keen

Was rul'd by his lascivious Queen.
King Arthur for his VVifes sake,
Winkt at Lancelot Du Lake,
Though to his opprobry and scorn,
He cherisht one himself to horn.
They say, that now are many others
Who in that case are Arthurs brothers.
So the imperious Roxalan,
Made the great Turk John Thomsons man.
Another Warriour, all his life
Was also ruled by his Wife:
Albeit before their death arose
Some strife between them for her Pose.

Thirdly, like Quixot, he a Squire,
Had Zancho call'd to whet his ire,
When in a fury he did wrestle
With Giant, or Inchanted Castle.
Or like Don Quixot with Wind-Mills,
Or with Dalzel at Pentland-Hills.
Or when, like Perseus, he was ready

To fight a Monster for a Lady:
Being victorious in the strife,
He still refus'd the Nymph to Wife;
And that with such a modest grace
As Fames Knight did the Heir of Thrace:
To which Squire, the bounteous Knight
Promised either Man, or Wight,
Gernsey, or Jersey, or some Isle,
With a Lord Governours Style.
When he should beat his foes asunder,
And bring the Whore of Babel under.

Lastly, on Quixot's Rozinant
He rode, who took the Covenant.
As many think, none of the Nation
Could make him take the Declaration.
Some endeavour'd to have the Horse
Proclaimed Rebel from the Cross,
Which though they did with open throats,
The Horse eats still his Hay and Oats:
Not dreaming that in any thing

He Country did offend, or King.
The wisest Lawyers of the Nation,
Advis'd him to make Appellation;
Because it was against all reason
To condemn a Beast for treason;
Which reason, at a tippling Can,
Had sav'd his Master the Good-man:
If after his rebellious Journey,
He had met with a King's Atturney,
VVho could by Law and Reason show,
He greater beast was of the two.
Or with another, who for riches
Stood for incestuous VVhoors and VVitches:
Or any other, whom ye list
So they did well anoint his Fist.

Beside his Horse, he had a Dog,
So us'd to traverse Hill and Bog,
That he became of scent so cliver,
As to miss neither Hare nor Pliver.
He turns himself in Horse or Hog,

As Monseur did Agrippa's Dog;
To find by his sagacious nose,
The counterploting of his foes.
He treads the Back-scent, brings a Glove,
And carries Letters to his Love:
He is a fierce Dog, yet most civil,
Kills Fish, whose Livers frights the Devil.
He barks at Anabaptist, Quaker,
Papist, and Declaration-taker:
But he will gently fawn, and stand
To lick a Covenanters hand.

Beside his Dog, he hath a Pigeon,
Most do not know of what Religion:
She was the same, as many fear,
Which once eat Pease in Mahomets ear;
VVhich, when she did, the Carl did boast,
That he spoke with the Holy Ghost.
His Epilepsie for to recover,
If once imploy'd, she doth not hover;
But will make the whole worlds tour,

And come again within an hour:
Sometimes she his Orders carries
To the Azores, and Canaries:
As Quarter-mistriss, to ordain,
In which the first Meridian
Should lodged be, for Calculation
Of Longitudes in Navigation.
Sometimes he sends her in Embassage
Out through the North-East Indian passage
To tell the great Tartarian Cham,
A piece of a West-Phalia Hamm
Is better meat, when hunger nips,
Then Collops off live-Horses Hips:
That we who here drink Sack and Brandy,
Well tempered with Suggar-Candy,
A great deal better then he fares,
Who drinks Horse Blood, or Milk of Mares
Sometime to Peru, and to Chilly
She goes, to tell our Prophet Lilly
Forefeeth neither good nor evil,
Abandon'd by his Arctiq; Devil;

Whom the late great Frost did compell
To run and warm himself in Hell.
That she might bring from thence a Spirit
Of greater foresight, and of merit,
For to assist the great Diviner
The better for to win his Dinner.
Sometime to Turk she goes, and Sophy,
To tell their Water and their Cophy,
And their severe slighting of Wine,
Makes them so with the Collick pine;
Which torment is with them so rife,
It cost Mahomet the Great his life;
For when the Collick he did take,
And did refuse a Cup of Sack,
He worried on a windy Bubble,
And fred the World of meikle trouble.
If they'l drink Wine, they need not fear
Their Prophet, for his thousand year
Are now expired, all in vain
They expect his return again.

Thus of his Person, Armour, VVeed,
His Lady, Squire, and of his Steed,
Dog, and Pigeon; for his mind,
He leaves all mortals far behind.
All things created he doth know,
In Heav'n above, and Earth below:
He solves the Questions every one
That Sheba's Queen ask'd Solomon:
Or any other knotty doubt,
That can occur the world throughout.
Neither doth he prat and bable,
Like Pliny Painting out a Fable.
At first, he makes a clear Narration,
And then backs all by Demonstration.
He knows whether the great Megall
Doth drink out of his Fathers Skull,
Or if he make a Chamber-pot
Of that of King of Calcecut.
If it be prov'd by any man
That he is come of Tamerlan;

Or if he keep Tobacco cut
In Tortois Shell, or Coco Nut.
If the Balm and Franckincense-keepers,
By ratling, drive away the Vipers,
VVhich with such ardor haunts those Trees,
As with us Garden-Flowres do Bees:
Or if they do those Serpents choak,
As Easterlings their Bees do smoak:
VVhich made two great wits, as men think,
Spend too much Paper, Pen, and Ink.
If Ichneumon and Crocodile
Do sight in Niger, as in Nile;
Or if we ought to believe them,
VVho say, Melchisedec was not Sem;
VVhich raised once a Fisty strife
Between a Preacher and his VVife.
If any man yet ever born
Did see Phenix or Unicorn?
If there be a Philosopher Stone?
If Men who have no Leg but one,
VVith broad Soles, which by Toures.

Defends their Heads from Sun and Showres?
If the Emperor Prester John
Be the Off-spring of Solomon?
If those who lately conquer'd China,
Be the Brothers-Sons of Dina?
Who to those North-East parts were turned,
When Assur's King Samaria burned.
If Romes Founders Wolfs did suck?
If Job in Edom was a Duke?
If Captain Hynd was a good fellow?
If Wallace Beard was black or yellow?
Which raised once a great discord
Between a Western Laird and Lord.
If rosted Eggs be best, or sodden?
If James the Fourth was kill'd at Floden?
Which made two School-men borrow Swords,
That they might fight after big words.
If Sword, or Surfeit moe men kill?
Who had the better at Edge-hill?
Which made two Ladies other jeer,
A Round-head and a Cavaleer:

Both harped so on the seen ruffle,
That it turn'd to a scratch-eye scuffle:
At last both conclude to agree,
Both of them vowing secresie.
Where meets the Brethren of Cross Rosie?
What sums the Spaniard in Potosie
Gains yearly by their Silver-Mines:
Since thirty eight who wins or tines.
He knows the price of Jewels and Rings,
And hidden causes of sundry things.
As of the Compass variation,
Of Nile and Nigers inundation.
VVhy Ireland wanteth Toad and Snake,
VVhy some men white, and some Moors black.
VVhy Regulus eye makes men leave breath,
VVhy Spiders bite, them dance to death
VVhy men Tarantula do not fear,
But at some seasons of the year.
VVhy Devils musick do not please:
VVhat sort of thing is Ambergrease,
If Iron Magnes, or it Iron

Attract? If Sea or Land inviron
That frozen great Magnetick Rock,
Under the Pole, where what a Clock
There cannot be made any trial,
The one year's half, by Phœbus Dial?
By the Seas motion he doth find
A North-East passage to the Inde:
Another he finds by the North-VVest,
VVhere Davies freezed to his rest:
VVhen Icy Mountains did occurr,
And stopt his course to Mar del Zurr:
But he hath found a brave device,
That he may free those Seas from Ice;
He empties all the VVater, syne
He fills the place with Brandy-wine,
VVhich hardly will congeal with Frost,
If VVhales turn drunk, and Fishing lost;
Yet lose we not by that device,
For VVhale Oyl we get Indian Spice.
All other ways are but a cheat,
To fetch some Money from the State.

It's wonder they have sharkt so much.
Both from the English and the Dutch.

He prov'd, on perill of his Soul,
Presbyterian-rule by Paul.
He thought, none but a foolish man
Made Antichrist the son of Dan.
He thought by the Apostles meaning,
Voice Negative, and sole ordaining,
VVas the very mystery
Of Antichrist's iniquity,
VVhich near his own time did begin
To usher in the Man of Sin.
He thought, if Bishops had not been,
A Pope of Rome had ne're been seen.
But now he thinketh Church Government
A thing of small, or no concernment:
As ready as any ever born
For Bishops, if he had not sworn.
If Dutch and English truth report,
He knows about th' Amboyna Fort,

If those two Indian Ships were sunk,
And burnt by Dutch, when they were drunk.
VVho first began the VVar in Guinie,
VVhere Holms and Ruyter play'd at Pinie.
If groundless jealousies and fears
Yoaks Dutch and English by the ears:
Or if it be the Indian Trade
Tha doth produce effects so sad.
He'l tell in Indian Pedlers faces,
VVe dearly buy their Cloves and Maces.
The VVar draws blood and money forth;
More then the Indian Trade is worth.
He thinks the VVar fomented be
By Romish craft and policie,
VVhich rents the Dutch and us asunder,
To bring reform'd Religion under.
VVhen both are broken, and brought low,
Like Pitchers by a mutual blow,
Then they'l force up the Pope again.
And make both serve the King of Spain:
VVho in the Jesuits fantasie

The worlds Temporal Lord will be;
And meagre those who countermine them.
The Pope and he will rule between them:
The world in two Monarchies,
He with his Sword, he with his Keyes.
If Dutch and English Popish were,
They would be Popish every where:
So Conclave Fathers do conclude,
But such conceits do oft delude.

He finds by perfect Demonstrations
The roots of all compos'd Æquations.
He finds new ways to poyson Cats,
Of Mudd he Serpents makes, and Rats.
He finds the Longitude of Places,
Makes Bag-pipes with Concording Bases.
He finds two means proportionals,
VVhich great wits sometime inthrals.
In Virtuosies Conventicles,
Excentricks, Orbs, and Epycicles

He finds to be fantastick fictions,
Forg'd, to palliat contradictions;
VVherewith the late Star-gazers notions
Have involv'd the Planets motions.
To determine he dare venture,
The Sun to be the VVorld's Center,
To hold the Candle in the middle
Infix'd, while to Pythagora's Fiddle
Still Firmament, with twinkling eyes,
The Earth and Planets dancing sees.
He Squares, Circles, Doubles, Cubes,
Makes most admirable Tubes;
If he at Dover through them glance,
He sees what hours it is in France;
As he hath prov'd by frequent trial,
On Steeple, Clock, and Sunny Dial:
He reads with them another while
Letters, distant twenty Mile;
Dutch, or Scots, I know not whether,
The one is as like as the other.

If he once level at the Moon,
Either at Midnight, or at Noon,
He discovers Rivers, Hills,
Steeples, Castles, and Wind-mills,
Villages, and Fenced Towns,
With Foussies, Bulwarks, and great Guns,
Cavaleers on Horse-back prancing.
Maids about a May-pole dancing,
Men in Taverns Wine carousing,
Beggers by the Hie-way Lowsing,
Sojors forging Ale-house brawlings,
To be let go without their Lawings,
Sturrs in streets by Grooms and Pages,
Mountebanks playing on Stages.
Wild Boars strouting out their Bristles,
Black birds striving who best Whistles,
Throats of Larks Trumpeting day,
Falcons beating down their prey,
Hare and Deer crossing Bogs,
Followed at the heels by Dogs,
Asses braying, Lyons roaring,

Owles screiching, Eagles soaring,
Foxes roused from their den,
Monkeys imitating men.
Gardens planting, Houses bigging,
States and Princes Fleets out-rigging;
Antick fashions of Apparels,
States and Princes pitching quarrels:
Wars, Rebels, Horse Races
Proclaim'd at several Mercat-places.
Capers bringing in their Prizes,
Commons cursing new Excizes.
Young VVives old Husbands horning,
Judges drunk every morning;
Augmenting Law-suits, and divisions,
By Spanish and by French decisions;
Courtiers their aims mising,
Chaiplains VVidow—Ladys kissing;
Men to sell their Lands itching,
To pay th' expences of their Kitching.
Frequent changes, States invading,
Pulpits forcing, and perswading;

Great jarrs for Cloves and maces,
For Bishops, Lordshps and their Graces:
Lords in Stews, missing Purses,
VVhile Pages make their Ladys Nurses:
Preachers contradicting fast
This year, what they Preach'd the last;
Making in their Conscience room
For a change the year to come;
Some seeking Bishopricks in vain,
VVishing Presbytry again;
Lawyers counsels at such rates,
That they cost men their whole estates:
VVhat money men puts in their Hands.
To get half back, they give their Lands:
Physicians cheating young and old,
Making both buy death with Gold:
Not vers'd in Æsculapius wayes,
Indicative and Critick dayes
They make too late, or else too soon,
Not knowing the motion of the Moon:
Factions in Families and towns,

Ground manur'd by Countrey Clowns,
In Meadows, Corns, Grapes, Apples,
Outbraving Lombardie and Naples;
Priests diseased of the Riples,
Hirpling through the Streets like Criples,
Physicians spoiled with the Pox,
Hiding their Noses with their Cloaks,
Courtiers covering cankered Faisters
With curled Periwiggs and Plaisters,
With Wax Noses, Golden Lips,
With Paisboard mending Legs and Hips,
Using all the Art they can,
That they may seem a pretty man,
And free of blemish, like a Priest
With Urim Thummim on his Breast:
Ladies speaking ranting words,
Attir'd like Men with Vests and Swords,
With Periwiggs and long Locks,
Some tax'd for dancing in their Smocks:
Making frivolous excuses,
Men pretending to the Muses;

Some selling Drink, some selling Draff,
Some Buffons turn'd, to make men laugh;
Some Publicans, some busie medlers,
Some turn'd Horse-Coopers, some Pedlers;
Some challenged for dreadful things,
As stealing Silver Spoons, and Rings;
Having us'd many wiles before,
That they might put them to the door.
Sundry Philosophick Asses
By Dictating, Teaching Classes,
Not taking an account again,
Making Boys spend their time in vain.
Some dissipating little Muggs
Containing universal Druggs;
Physicians crying out amain,
Where they cure one, they poyson ten.
Some getting Oyster-Boats to Dreg,
Some making Satyrs for to Beg,
Being reduced to those wants,
By several avaricious Saints,
Who proved on them Drinking, Whooring,

By slandring, forging, and perjuring:
At last, for all their fair pretention,
Their quarrel prov'd to be a Pention,
VVhich having got, then for refuge,
They bribe, or cheat a silly Judge,
By purloyning, and forbearing,
To stop the cause from further hearing.
There was no remedy for the evil,
All went head-long to the Devil:
That Fathers saying is most true,
Penitent Clerks are very few:
Ere any shame shall them betide,
They'l one sin with another hide.

His Tube in higher Planets Heaven,
Discovers many moe then seven.
Jove hath his gaurd, with thunder thumps,
To beat down Covenants and Rumps:
And Saturn hath his Pages too,
VVhen he meets Jove, there is adoo.
Its good to some, and bad to other,

Its never good to all together:
For some go up, and some go down,
Some gets, and some will lose a Crown.
They say, such things will now appear
In less then three and thirty Year.
Great change of Government will be,
As all affirm beyond the Sea:
But all their practises, and wiles
At this bout, will not reach our Iles.
All is confined to the main,
And then it will about again.
VVe need not break our hearts for sorrow,
VVhat's ours to day, is theirs to morrow.
He sees Mars sending Grooms in ire
To set the VVorld below on fire;
Raising such fury in mens Breasts,
That Generals are made of Priests,
VVhich them becomes, as all avow,
As well as Sadle doth a Sow.
He sees those Grooms, who Sun attends,
Blowing on their burnt finger-ends:

Among whom Mercury doth stand,
Serving the Sun with Capp in hand.
He hath no dwelling of his own,
But is Domestick of the Sun.
Phebus and he hath great compassion
On Arts now wearing out of fashion:
Yet some will flourish, they foresaw
Romances, and the Cannon Law.
He sees, with Venus Pages are,
Who Pimps were to the God of War:
When jealous Vulcan, sick of love,
Would needs himself a Cuckold prove,
Like several great ones here below,
Though some conceal what they do know.

His Tube once levelled at the Sky,
Sundry, yet hid lights doth espy;
Some lesser ones, and some more gross,
Between the Boars and Southern Cross;
Some on Pegasus his Hoove,
And Some upon his Masters Love,

And some upon her Mothers Chair,
And some on Berenices Hair;
And some upon the Serpents Sting,
Aod some upon the Eagles VVing;
And some upon the Rams Horn,
Some on the Beard of Capricorn,
And some he sees upon the Bull,
And some upon Orion's Skull,
And some on Nessus mortal foe,
And some on Cancer's meikle toe:
Some on the Sails of Argo Ship,
And some on Antinous Hip;
And some he sees upon the Twins,
And some upon the Fishes Fins;
And some he sees on Libra's Scale,
And some upon the Dragon's Tail;
VVhich little Bear and Pole entangles,
And some he sees on the Triangles:
Some on the Harp, some on the Swan,
Some on the Crown, some on the Cran,
Some on the VVhale, some on the Trout,

And some upon the great Dogs Snout;
And some upon the Virgins Knees,
On Crinita, between her Thighs,
Which makes her blush, and turn her look
North-East, upon Boote's Dock:
Which the base Clown regardeth not,
But spurns her backward with his Foot,
And almost lames her on the Knee,
Which barbarous incivilitie
Is evident to any man,
By the Glob of Vatican.

And finally, that tract of Light
Which we see in a Frosty Night,
And caused Philosophick jarrs,
He finds to be the light of Stars;
Which just so shining, he doth mark,
As Haddocks Heads do in the dark.

Solve several Questions he can,
Scarce solvable by any man:

If number of Stars be odd or even:
What's beyond the outmost Heaven.
If substance of the Heav'ns be mix'd,
If Stars do move, in Orbs infix'd:
Or, if they move, as others clatter,
As Fowl in Air, or Fish in Water.
Since Jewish Sabbath is begun,
And ends with setting of the Sun.
How that Sabbath observ'd can be
Beyond the sixty eight degree
Of Latitude: since Antipods
In Sun shining, have such odds.
How both Sabbaths observation
Jumps with the Sabbath of Creation:
The one and other Question
Sorely puzzled Solomon,
In that great Dispute, that between
Was him and that Arabian Queen;
Or Æthiopian, as some other,
Who make her Prester John's Mother.

Against the late Star-gazers Schism,
And Argolus Paralogism;
He finds Comets are plac'd no where
But in some Region of the Air.
He finds with admirable speed
Their Paralaxis by a Threed:
He finds their eyes perceive not well,
Or else Dioptriques make them reel,
And that their Brain's not worth a Turd,
Who calls them Via Lactea's Curd;
The same he thinks of many others,
Who say, they are new Stars half Brothers:
Of which last, if he espy one,
He bids let Gods secrets alone.

He finds both Comets and Eclipses,
But petty Fortune-telling Gipsies:
The like uncertainty he sees
In change of Excentricities.
But he foresees with Prophets Unction
The effects of a great Conjunction;

Before the Age begin again,
Spain shal have France, or France have Spain
The Monarchy shall spread no further,
If Dutch and English hold together.
And though they do great tribulation,
Follows a Gothish inundation,
Spreading from Pomer into Scluse,
In defence of the Flower de Luce:
Their Mutiny for want of Pay
Proves to the French a dismal day.
Then English shall say, God be thanked,
The French are like Fleas in a Blanket,
They soon skip out, as they did in,
Their Conquest ends ere it begin.
They marr all by unstable carriage,
As in their old Italian Voyage;
When quite forsaken of their helps,
They first brought Shankers ov'r the Alps.

He doth foresee another wonder,
Nations in place, and hearts asunder,

Shall straitly be conjoyn'd in one,
Against the Whore of Babylon.
And though those Nations be but poor,
Rich Kings who fornicat the Whoor,
Shall melt before them, as the Snow,
When Rain and South-wind makes a Thaw.
What men they are, he will not clatter,
Lest some think he intends to slatter.
Then all shall be serene and clear,
And Saints shall Reign a thousand year,
If not, let it not be forgotten,
To hang him when he's dead and rotten.

All doubt much of the Jews Conversion,
The manner of the Worlds Eversion.
If Fire shall burn the Heav'ns to Embers,
If separat Souls their Friends remembers:
If those new reasons do make good
The Circulation of the Blood:
If Webbs of Cloth be made of Stones,
If Pox can be chas'd from the Bones;

If Minerals nourish as Grain,
If Ratts once dead can live again:
And of such like Resurrections,
If by Attractions, and Ejections,
Men may lend, or borrow blood;
If universal Druggs be good;
If Satyr-makers ever thrive,
If any thing which they contrive;
If there be such of any Nation.
VVho are not driven to desperation,
Giving to all, who them defends,
Still sorest on the finger-ends.
Though never wiser man was born,
He knows not how to dine the morn:
No more then he sees when shall come
The moment of the day of Doom.

The VVhiggs him circled in a Ring.
And he stood like a Nine-pin King;
After a Pause and a Cough,
And sundry clawings of his Hough:

Upon his Tiptoes he arose,
And with his Fingers wip'd his Nose,
And cleans'd his Fingers on his Breeches,
Delivering those following speeches.

Hear, O ye remnant of Isra'l,
Who have not bow'd your knees to Baal,
For which ye undergo the Cross;
Ye Gold refined from the Dross;
Ye winnow'd Corn purg'd from the Chaff,
Ye sp'rit of Malt drawn from the Draff;
Who to the good Cause are no shame,
Ye Covenanters, Cruds and Cream;
Ere one a Pater Noster utter,
Some will turn Cheese, and others Butter,
And each will feed his hungry Brother,
If we shall chance to eat each other.
Ye who still pray for these who wrong you,
God grant there be no Rogues among you,
As Arch as any of the Nation:
I have caus'd Pen a Supplication,

Which must be sent unto the King,
From whom some must an answer bring:
I'le read it out, that ye may mend it,
And then advise by whom to send it.
Then answered the whole Croud,
Bidding him read it out aloud.
Seeking his Lunets forth, he farted,
At which, they who stood nearest started;
Those further off took such Alarms,
Some cry'd to Legs, some cry'd to Arms:
What was the matter, none could think,
Till all of them did smell the stink.
Then having hush'd their shouts and hollows,
He did begin to read as follows.

THE SUPPLICATION.

Sir, though there be but few among us,
Who bids at every word God damn us;
Though we come not to martial closes,
Half gelded, and without our Noses:
As not accustom'd to those tricks,
Which hurts mens Noses, and their Pricks:
Although we do not rant and swagger,
Nor drink in Taverns till we stagger,
And then engage in drunken quarrels,
VVhere wit goes out by tooming Barrels;
Where some throw Stoops, and others Glasses,
Some struggle with the serving Lasses;
Some throw a Chandler, some a Can,
Some strive to Cuckold the Good-man.
Some mean their Elbow, some their Head,
Some cry, alace, their Shoulder-blade;

And some with spilled drink are dreeping,
And some sit on a Privy sleeping:
Some do not know at whom they'r striking,
And some are busie Pockets picking:
Some have their hair with fingers freezed,
And some cry out, they'r Circumcised.
Some have their Faces and their Throples
All scratched with Tobacco Stoples:
Some Coals with naked Swords are hewing,
And some ly in a Corner Spewing;
And other some get bloudy Fingers,
By grasping naked Knives and VVhingers,
VVhen they the fray intend to redd,
VVhen it were better they were a-bed:
And some cry, ye disturb the Laird,
And some cry, fy bring Baily Baird,
A man who is obliged much
Unto the War against the Dutch.
At that they call the Wench to reckon,
She comes and counts up three for one,
But gains not much, though she so trick it,

Beside her loss of Burges Ticket:
They tell her, they will money borrow,
And come and pay their Shot to morrow:
Their Officers, the other day,
Had Dyc'd, & Drunk, and Whoor'd their pay.

Sir, though we do not play such pranks,
For which we give unto God thanks;
Yet we your loyal Subjects are,
To serve you both in Peace and War,
With our Fortunes, and our Lives;
But if our Conscience, and our Wives
By any man be medled with,
We'l both defend with all our pith.
Sir, our conscience to compel,
Is to force our Souls to Hell.
If we do good, and think it evil,
In that we more obey the Devil,
Then doing ill, which we think good,
If holy Writ be understood.

Sir, we have been sore oppressed,
Our Wives and Serving Lasses Sessed,
Either to give beyond their reach,
Or else hear some Hirelings Preach:
Who Preach nought else, but rail and rant
Against the Holy Covenant:
And yet its known, that the Nation
Did take it, at their instigation;
For which, of late, they were so hearty,
When it was the prevailing party,
That they urg'd State, as they were wood,
To take some's Means, and others blood:
And others they compel'd to flee,
And hide themselves beyond the Sea:
And that, Sir, for no other reason,
But Ante-Covenanting Treason.

But now, Sir, when the guise doth turn,
They Preach nothing, but hang, and burn,
And harry all those of the Nation,
Who do refuse the Declaration:

Perswading us with tales and fictions
To take Oaths which are contradictions;
Having, for love of VVorldly Pelf
First taken contrair Oaths themself.

At the first, Sir, God be thanked,
VVe sold Covering, Sheet, and Blanket,
And Gowns, and Plaids, and Petticoats,
Meal and Pease, Barley and Oats,
Butter and Cheese, and VVool Fleeces,
For Groats and Fourty Peny pieces;
Capons and Hens, and Geese and Piggs,
Oxen and Horse which Till'd our Riggs;
And which our very hearts pierces,
Master Zachary Boyd's Verses,
Dickson's Sermons, Guthrie's Libels,
Bessie of Lanerk, and our Bibles,
And learn'd Religion by tradition,
VVhich smells of Popish superstition:
To pay our Fines we were so willing,
Which was for each fault Twenty Shilling:

Though we alledg'd for our defence,
It was too much by Eighteen Pence.

At last, we had no more to give,
Neither knew we how to live;
They felled all our Hens and Cocks,
And rooted out our Kail Stocks,
And cast them ov'r the Dikes away,
And bid us, jeering, fast and pray.
Being incensed with such harms,
VVe were necessitate to Arms;
And through the Countrey we did come,
VVe had far better stay'd at home.
VVe did nothing but hunt the Glaiks,
For after we had got our paiks,
They took us every one as Prizes,
And condemn'd us in Assizes,
To be hang'd up every where,
And fix'd our Heads up here and there.
Once dreadful Heads, Sir, all did doubt them,
They had so meikle wit about them.

And we, who scapt those grievous Crosses,
Did hide our selves in Bogs and Mosses:
Where we fed on sodden Leather,
Mingled with crops of Heather;
Which, our hunger to asswage,
VVe thought most savoury Pottage;
For Drink, it was no small matter,
If we got clear, not muddy Water;
In which, we heartily do wish
There be none who desire to Fish;
That by the Devils instigation,
Brings on us all this tribulation.
When in that case we could not stand,
We Sally, Sir, with Sword in hand;
Let men cry, Rebels, till they grow hoarse,
VVe're Subjects nev'r a white the worse.
Though we prefer you not to God,
VVho do so, Sir, their Faith will nod,
If Government take changing tours,
They will renounce both you, and yours;
As doth appear by some of late,

When that Usurper rul'd the State:
They strove, Sir, to be sent apace
To abjure you in the Worlds face.
Though some, Sir, of our Duniwessles
Stood out, like Eglingtoun and Cassils,
And others, striving to sit still,
VVere forc'd to go against their will:
Yet other some, as all men knows,
VVho should be sent, were near to blows;
That is, at very boystrous words,
Putting their hands upon their Swords,
To make men think that they were stout,
VVhen it was known the World throughout,
To fight your foes, when they were sent,
They alwayes took the Bog a-sclent,
And running from the fight by stealth,
VVould then sit down and drink your health:
And since they could not think, like Asses,
To beat your foes by drinking Glasses;
It's evident, Sir, as we think,
They drank your Health for love of Drink.

Yet many, Sir, were disappointed,
Who so forsook the Lords Anointed;
They were not all alike regarded,
Some well, and some were ill rewarded:
They who play'd best with both the hands
Inrich'd were by their Neighbours Lands.
Some from their Creditors got refuges
Some were made Clerks, and others Judges:
Some swearing their Stocks were spent,
Strove to get down their Anualrent:
Detaining, Sir, by that extortion,
The Fatherless and Widows portion,
Which Usuring Fathers Lent to Lairds,
Who play'd it all at Dice and Cards:
Which forc'd some Lasses to miscarriage,
Because they could not get a Marriage.
But among those of stricter life,
The truth-tell-colour grew so rife,
That it marr'd all the Charms and Graces
Of those who could not paint their Faces.

But other some got mocks and scorns,
By giving to their Land-Lords Horns,
And spewing Claret, mull'd with Eggs,
Between the Lord Protectors Leggs,
When they did endeavour to pray
Before him, on a Fasting-day.
Some Whally's Bible did begarie,
By letting flee at it Canarie,
Taking it up, where it lay next,
That they might read on it the Text;
When Cromwel Preach'd with great applause
The Revelation of his Cause:
And some of them empawn'd their Cloaks,
And other some brought home the Pox:
Giving foul Linnings all the wite,
Some turn'd your friends for meer despight;
Vowing you never to withstand
Again, without something in hand.
And some turn'd Ordinance-forsakers,
Others for grief of heart turn'd Quakers:

Some in their Conscience took remorse,
Crying, I'm damn'd, till they grew hoarse,
And made the standers by admira
To see them take the fits of Spira.
To bring those troubled Souls to peace,
Some reads Alvarez helps to grace;
Some Sanctuary of a troubled Soul,
Some cited Passages of Paul:
Explaining well what he did say;
Some reads on Mr. Andrew Gray:
Some told the danger of back-sliding,
Some the good of Faith abiding;
Some reads the Cases of Richard Binning,
Some Fergusson reads of Kilwinning:
And some them pressed very sore
To hear a little of Doctor More:
But others cry'd, Away, and Tush
VVith Vipers in a Balmy Bush?
VVith blind Pilots, guiding Ferries,
VVith Toads lurking in Straw-berries.

His Doctrine of Justification
Drives all the Court to Desperation.
Few there are saved, as we guess,
By their inherent righteousness.
He hath some good among great evils,
He tells of Bastard getting Devils
Of their Bodies, or Vohicles,
Their Herauldry and Conventicles.
It's sport to see his fancy wander
In their Male, and Female Gender.
He doth so punctually tell
The whole œconomy of Hell,
That some affirm he is Puck Hary,
Some, he hath walked with the Fairy.
Though Intellectuals be neat,
Though he mean well, and is no cheat,
His case is desperat and sad,
For too much Learning makes him mad.
VVe'll read on the True Converts Mark,
Or we will read on Bessie Clark,

Or else on Bakers Heavenly Beam,
Or on the Lady Culross Dream;
Which sundry drunken Asses flout,
Not seeing the Jewel within the Clout.
Like Combs of Cocks, who takes no heed
When they Gower, or Chaucer read.
When they had said, and read their fill,
It did not cure the Patients ill:
They still cry on, and howl, and mourn,
Their counsels would not serve the turn.
No comfort at all find they can,
Until a Grave and Reverend Man
Advise them to resist temptation,
With Spainish Wine, and Fornication.

Those Rebels also to obey,
Those Hirelings ceas'd for you to pray;
Because their Stipends, and their Living
Were at the foresaid Rebels giving.
They thought a man a venial sinner
Who left sworn duty for his dinner:

Yea, some of them were of opinion,
They might pray for that Devils Minion.
They would not stick for love of Pelf,
To pray, Sir, for the Devil himself:
But we, in the Usurpers faces,
Remembred you in Prayers and Graces;
And if we had had Guns and Swords,
Our actions would have back'd our words.
Our fault, Sir, was, for which we moan,
We thought to do it all alone.
Since it was only want of wit,
Since it was a distraction-fit,
We pray you, Sir, be no despiser
Of us, whom God hath made no wiser.

Royal Sir, to those our times
Apply'd may be a Poets Rhimes,
Who coursly singeth, that a Wight
Obeying King, in wrong or right;

If that the King to wrack shall go,
VVill in like manner turn his foe:
But who obey no sinful thing,
Do still prove constant to their King.
The Rhime is barbarous and rude,
But, Sir, the saying's rich and good;
In Print yet forth it hath not crept,
VVe have it in a Manuscript:
The Good-man keeps it, as we think,
Behind a Dish, upon the Bink:
And yet it's thought by many a man
Most worthy of the Vatican.
It's worthy, Sir, of your Saint James
That stands upon the River Thames.
Ye'll not find saying such another,
Put all their Guilded Books together:
Tho with these two ye joyn in one
The Bibliotheck of Prester John.
Cause Pages cry it still before ye,
As Philip did Memento mori.

Since then we Arm for Conscience sake,
May't it please you, Sir, some pity take,
And not by Bishops instigation
Inforce on us the Declaration,
Nor make us give, beyond our reach,
To keep's from hearing Hirelings Preach;
Who last year Preached Oaths to take,
And this year Preacheth them to break:
When they have forced men to take them,
Then first of all, themselves they break them.
Except God, Sir, their manners mend,
They'l oath it to the Worlds end.
Men either must foreswear themself
As oft as they turn Coats for Pelf,
Or else their Conscience is so scurvie,
They will turn all things topsie turvie.
And we will give what we can reach
To keep's from hearing those men Preach,
As Achisons, Balbies and Placks,
Which is enough, Sir, for our packs.

Likewise, in any other thing
VVe will obey you, as our King,
If ye require it at our hands,
VVe'll quite to you both Lives and Lands.
Nothing to fight can us compell,
Except to keep our Souls from Hell;
VVhat ever mischief us befall,
Or else the Devil take us all.
Ye need not, Sir, distrust, or fear,
VVhen Out-Law-VVhiggs do Ban, or Swear;
It doth unto the VVorld appear,
Keeping our Oaths hath cost us dear.
VVe pray God, that Your Majesty,
And then Your Royal Progeny,
May peace and truth with us defend,
As Kings, unto the Worlds end.
VVe with all duty and respect
Your gracious Answer do expect.

A Debate between the Knight and Squire, about the mending of the Petition, and who should carry it to the King.

And thus the Supplication ended,
The Squire cry'd out, it should be mended:
Being desir'd to tell the cause,
First with all ten his Arse he claws,
And then his Elbow, and his Head,
VVinking a while, as he were dead;
And clapping both Hands on his Snout,
At last his reason tumbled out;
To wit, it did not move to grant
Renewing of the Covenant.

Knight.
At which the Knight gave such a groan,
As would have rent a heart of stone:
And casting both his eyes to Heaven,
He said, not though the Earle of Levin
Were on our heads, we durst not do it,
It's base to put the King so to it:
It is a most presumptuous thing,
To cross the Conscience of a King.
Some honest men did never take it;
Some honest also were who broke it;
But he who breaks't against his light,
Let it be wrong, let it be right,
By Prophets and Apostles leave
We dar aver his a knave.
On singulars we will not harp,
For the apply will be to sharp.
We put down Bishops, to our cost,
Yet two or three still rul'd the Rost;

Some of which play'd such pranks at home,
As never Pope presum'd at Rome.
It is the simplest of all tricks
To suffer fools have Choping Sticks.
A Sword put in a wood mans hand,
Bredd meikle trouble to the Land.

Squire.
The Squire reply'd, they'r scarce of news,
Who tells, their Mother haunted Stews.
Who on his Brother rubs disgrace,
He spits upon his Mothers face.
Each Covenanter is our Brother,
The Covenant, of all is Mother.
Their wit is dull, and very gross,
Who think where Gold is, there's no Dross:
Where there is Corn, there may be Chaff,
Where there is Malt, there may be Draff:
Thistles with Corn grow on the Riggs,
And Rogues may lurk among the Whiggs.

And Friars in Lent may be Flesh-eaters,
And Covenanters may be Cheaters,
And Weeds grow up with fairest Flowres,
And sighing Sisters may be Whoors.
As Fruit on Trees grow, so grow Leaves,
Its certain Bishops may be Knaves;
Its known to all, the Devil may dwell
In some of fourteen, as of twell.
To blame a Cause for Persons Vices,
Is one of Satans main devices,
By which he very oft doth make
VVell-meaning men the truth forsake.
But let us first the Question state,
Before we enter in debate,
VVhich of the two should bear the sway,
The Miters, or the Elders Lay.

Knight.
The Knight did pause a pretty while,
Then answered with a scornful smile,

I tell thee, fool, I think Government
Of Church, a thing of small concernment:
The truth it's uery hard to find,
It puzzleth the learnedst mind.
Some do the Presbytry conceive
New forg'd by Clavin at Geneve;
Some say, he puts to execution
Paul the Apostles Institution,
Which suffered exile and ejection,
The time of Pauls foretold defection.
Some say, since Bishops did appear,
Its more then Fifteen hundred year;
Some say, that then they did begin
The Pope of Rome to Usher in:
That Pauls iniquities, mystery working,
Was men, then for precedency forking.
Some Presbyterians do conclude,
But Bishops say, such thoughts delude:
VVhich comes from brains which have a Bee,
Like Urquharts Trigonometrie.

Some Bishops prove by Scripture-phrazes
As by the word γυβερνησεις
How John the Angels seven did greet,
Why Paul did Titus leave in Creet.
But other some boldly asserts,
Who reason so, the Text perverts.
Some call the Bishops Weather-Cocks,
Who where their Heads were turn their Docks.
Still stout for them who gives them most,
And who will make them rule the Rost.
Some say, that Bishops have been good,
And seal'd the Gospel with their blood;
As ready for the truth at call,
As any Whigg among us all.
Perhaps a railing foolish Ranter
Will tell a Bishop Covenanter
An honest Clergy-man will be,
When Cable passeth Needles eye:
For some of such had play'd a pavie,
Though all the Cables of the Navie

In one, should pass through Needles-eye,
Whiggs still would doubt their honesty.
Some say, a Bishop Covenanter,
If a penitent repenter,
Causeth more joy to Sp'rits Divine,
Then all the other ninety nine.
Some Father Tales upon King James,
To sundry Presbyterian Dames,
That he was forc'd of Knaves to make them,
For Devil an honest Man would take them.
Some say, the King gave never leave
To make a Bishop of a Knave.
That those men are evil speakers,
Tax'd by Jude, spiritual Quakers:
That none doth hate Nobility;
For Quakers blaming Herauldry.
And some again are, who compares
Our Bishops unto Baiting Bears;
Who, if they be not kept in aw,
They will tear all with teeth and paw:

Yet tractable in every thing,
If in their Snout ye put a Ring.
And many men again there be
VVho say the same of Presbytrie;
And some say this, and some say that,
And some affirm, they know not what.
Its grief to see them Scripture vex,
And wrest it, like a Nose of VVax;
And he who is deceived most
All Fathers on the Holy Ghost:
Some quiting Prophets and Apostles,
Thinks best to plead the Cause by Postills:
And some do dispute by Tradition,
Some calls that Popish Superstition;
And some affirm, that they had rather
Follow a Counsel, then a Father:
And some affirm, it buits not whether,
They are blind Leaders all together.
And since the truth is found by none,
No more then is that turn Gold Stone,

It's best, Zancho, for ought I see,
To take a Pint, and then agree.
Let men have Bishops at their ease,
And hear what Preachers best them please;
If we be fred of Declaration,
And of that other great vexation
We mentioned in our Petition,
We'll alter it on no condition;
Then we will serve the King as much
Against the Dane, and French, and Dutch,
As any in his three Dominions
Who hateth us, or our opinions:
If he command us, we will come
Like Goths, and Scale the Walls of Rome,
And bereave Babels Whore of breath,
Or die the Duke of Bourbon's death.

Squire.
The Squire made many odd Grimass
Ere he could speak, like Balaams Ass;

Sometime he wink'd, sometime look'd up,
And running backward like a Tupp,
For to return with greater force,
He snorted like a very Horse;
One thought upon another tumbled,
One while he grin'd, another grumbled.
At last, like Cant, or Trail, or Durie,
He gave a Broad-side in a fury:
Looking as he would eat them all,
His words flew out like Cannon Ball.
The love of Pelf comes from the Devil,
It's root of all mischief and evil:
It makes Lords sup without a Candle,
When none can see their Knife to handle:
While to bring Candles Servants lingers,
Ten Candles will not heal their Fingers.
It makes Fore-heads and Shins to bleed,
By saving Candle, to light to Bed.
It makes them keep their Cellar Keys,
Set secret marks on Hamms and Chese;

Which, if but in the least defaced,
Wives, Servants, Bairns are all menaced.
It makes them prigg for Milk and Eggs,
Put in a Broth Cocks, halfs, and Leggs:
It makes them Clout Elbows and Breasts,
Keep Rinded Butter in Charter Chests,
Till Ratts eat all their Law-defences,
And Families old Evidences:
It makes them pay their Masons Wages
By Usury, on VVedds, and Gadges
Taken from VVidows, who were plundred,
By paying Fourty in the Hundred.
It corrupts Hamell, Sharp, and Sweet,
It poysons all, like Aconite:
If it touch Hide, it goes to Heart,
And so affecteth every part.
The great ones do betray their trust,
Ladies throw Honour in the dust,
Like those who troad the Cyprian Dance
VVith that Financier of France.

It Puritans doth make of Ranters,
And Cavaleers of Covenanters;
Of Lords and Earls it makes Drapers,
Of Priests and Levites it makes Capers.
It maketh grave and reverend Cheats
In Pulpits, and Tribunal Seats:
For any Crime it finds defences,
With Oaths, it like a Pope dispences:
It causeth among Brethren strife,
It makes a Man Pimp to his Wife:
It makes yeeld Fortresses and Towns
Sooner then Armies with great Guns:
It sets a-fire Cities and Streets,
It raiseth Tragedies in Fleets;
It makes the vanquished victorious;
And foyl then victory more glorious:
It makes rebellion rise and fall,
And hath such influence on all,
That whom it made rebellious Nurses,
It loyal makes, to fill their Purses:

It causeth many a bloody strife,
When needy male-content grow rife:
Then by it Church and State are mended,
And will be till the world be ended.
Master, we all observe and mark,
Since ye once doubt, ye will embarque.
Why do ye Conscience so neglect?
Or, what, Master, can ye expect?
Although among the Whiggs ye Preach,
A Bishoprick ye cannot reach:
For Bishopricks are giv'n to none
Like Presbyterian John Gillon,
Who, when he takes his Preaching-turn,
Will make moe laugh then he makes mourn.
Ye have infus'd in us Sedition,
Ye will us leave in that condition:
And then cause Print a Book of Season,
Tax whom ye have seduc'd of Treason.
And when so doing, all men see,
Ye sing the Palinod of Lee.

The Cavaleers will still you call
The Archest Rebel of us all.
Thus having said, he made a halt,
And stood, like Lots Wife turn'd to Salt,
With Ear attentive, earnest Eye,
He did expect the Knights Reply.

Knight.
Who stroak'd his Beard, and bit his Lip,
And wip'd his Nose, and scratch'd his Hip,
He wry'd his Mouth, and knit his Brows,
He changed more then twenty hues;
His Hands did tremble, his Teeth did chatter,
His Eyes turn'd up, his Bumm did clatter,
His Tongue on Teeth and Gumes did hammer,
He fain would speak, but still did stammer:
His Garb was strange, dreadful, uncouth,
Till through his Epileptick Mouth
Those following speeches fierce and loud
Burst out, like Thunder through a Cloud.

Thou poysons all, my little Grex,
Thou sentence-speaking Carnifex:
Thou hardy and presumptuous are
To meddle so with Peace and War;
Rub my Horse Belly, and his Coots,
And when I get them, dight my Boots;
For they are better then Gramashes
For me, who through the Dubbs so plashes:
Yet I'le wear none, till I put on
Those of the Priest of Livingston;
Who, when they hid them in the Riggs,
Said they were plunder'd by the Whiggs,
Unto another Priest, his Marrow,
Who sent a Maid his Boots to borrow,
Whose Boots were plundered indeed,
As was his Salt Beef, and his Steed
Teach what I please, thou'lt not forbear
To meddle with things without thy Sphear;
Like Taylors making Boots or Shoos,
Or like Shoo-makers making Hose.

Like some I know, as blind as Owles,
Playing at Tennice, and at Bowles,
And sometime Shooting at a Mark,
Like Passavantius playing the Clerk,
Who medled with, he knew not what,
That he might get from Rome a Hat.
Men oft by change of station tynes,
Good Lawyers may prove bad Divines:
Like Sadoleto's Dog in Satine,
Like Ignoramus speaking Latine:
Which raised most unnatural jarrs,
As between Law and Gospel Wars.
Like Bembo's Parrat singing Masses,
Like men of seventy Courting Lasses;
Like Highland Lady's knoping Speeches.
When they are scolding for the Breeches,
Like Massionella freeing Naples
From Gabells put on Roots and Apples.
Like Taylours scanning State concernments,
Or Coblers clouting Church Governments.

Like some attempting tricks in Statiques,
Not vers'd in Euclids Mathematiques.
Like Pipers mending Morleys Musick,
Or Gardners Paracelsus Physick.
Like Atheists pleading Law refuges;
Like Countrey Treisters turning Judges.
Like Preachers stirring up devotions,
By Preaching Military motions;
Proving their uses and didactiques,
By passages of Ælians tactiques.
Like Ladies making Water standing,
Like young Lairds, Horse & Foot commanding.
Like Monckeys playing on a Fiddle,
Or Eunuchs on a Ladies middle.
Like Gilliwetfoots purging States
By papers thrown in Pocks or Hats,
That they might be, when purg'd from dung
Secretaries for the Irish Tongue.
Great wounds, yet curable, still faister.
When fools presume to rule their Master;

As sad experience teach'd of late,
When such reformed Church and State:
Though all the Publick did pretend,
All almost had a privat end.
There was no place of War, or State,
But was by twenty aimed at;
Whereof ninteen were disappointed,
Which made the Body whole disjoynted;
And rais'd among them such divisions,
That they were to their friends derisions.
Some aim'd at the Embroidered Purse,
Some the Finances to deburse,
And other some thought to be getters
By writing of the Privy Letters:
Some aim'd at Privy Seal, or Rolls,
Some Customs gathered in, and Tolls:
Some did dry Quarterings enforce,
Some lodg'd in Pockets Foot and Horse:
Yet still Bogg-sclented, when they yoaked,
For all the Garrison in their Pocket:

And some made men Morgage their Lands,
To lend Money on publick Bands,
To be pay'd at the Resurrection:
Some Fines pay'd who oppos'd defection;
Some sold the Souldiers Mity Meal,
And some did from the Publick steal;
And some, as every body says,
Us'd more then other twenty ways:
Yet notwithstanding of all that,
They were lean Kine devouring fat.
None gained by those bloody fairds,
But two three Beggers who turn'd Lairds;
Who stealing publick Geese and Wedders,
Were fred, by rendering Skin and Feathers.
When others of this Church and Nation
Returns unto their former station:
And now, for all their stomacks stout,
Comes home more fools then they went out.
Thou, like a Fire-brand, dost advise
Us to be fools, when all are wise:

Thy endeavours are all in vain,
Ere we shall play such pranks again,
The Patagons shall Masses mumble,
The Dons of Spain shall all be humble,
Italians shall speak as they think,
Germains, when Sun's set, shall not drink;
Swedds gaining day, shall not pile Baggage,
And English hate shall Beef and Cabbage,
The Russ and Pole shall never jarr,
Danes shall gain by a Sweddish War;
Victorious Turk shall stand to reason,
Scots shall be beat, and not blame treason;
The Dutch shall Brandie slight, and Butter,
And England Conquer by De Ruytter:
The first burnt ardor of French hearts
Shall not turn to a rack of farts,
And they shall spell as they do speak,
And they shall sing as they do prick:
With Oaths they shall not lard their Speeches,
Nor change the fashion of their Breeches.

All shall have for assured news,
That Pope from Rome have banish'd Stews:
Rebellion shall return from Hell;
And do things which I will not tell.
Though it were true, as some compares
Our Bishops unto baiting Bears,
Who, if they be not keept in aw,
They will tear all with Teeth and Paw.
Yet many utterly mislikes,
That Butcher Presbyterian tycks
Should flee upon their throats and faces,
To curb their Lordships, and their Graces:
His Majesty, without all doubt,
Should only Ring them in the Snout.
If they so swell, that none can bide
Their malice, avarice, and pride;
Vices, which all the world doth ken
Familiar to Clergy-men;
Of which, though palliat with art,
Our own Presbytry had their part.

Our duty is, with all submission,
To press the grant of our Petition:
The King will suffer us, perchance,
As Lewis doth Huggonots in France:
And in his Wars, Civil and Forraign,
Make me Command in Chief, like Turrain.
And though he grant not our demands,
Away with Covenants and Bands;
Kings must command, we must obey,
They Rebels are, who truth gain-say.
Some tell, we must the truth so love,
As of it not to quite a hoove.
As said another fool, thy marrow,
As if his Majesty were Pharo.
For my part, ere I trouble peace,
I'le Bishops call, My Lord and Grace;
And kneel at the Communion Table,
Make Christmas-Feasts, if I be able:
Privat Sacraments I'le avow
Childrens confirming I'le allow;

And I will hear the Organs play,
And Amen to the Service say.
I'le Surplice wear, and High-sleev'd Gown,
And to the Altar I'le bow down.
Yea, ere his Majesty be wroth,
I'le Primat be, and Chancellor both.

Squire.
The Squire replyed in a chaff,
He girn'd so, that he seem'd to laff:
And when ye travel in Carosses,
Ye will salute the Hie-way Crosses;
And when with danger ye are prest,
Ye will cross, sign fore-head and breast,
And ye will to our Lady pray,
And travel on the Sabbath day;
And ye will play with Lords and Lairds
All Sermon time at Dice and Cards;

And Duels fight, like those of France,
And drunk and Creeple lead a dance,
And ye will venture Ax and Rope,
By writing Letters to the Pope,
To tell him, though ye here by Haman,
Ye worship with the King, like Naman,
And then accuse us all of Treason,
When ye put out your Book of Season.

Knight.
The Knight look'd fiercely then about,
Thus thundering with a dreadful shout,
Constant madness thy Brains inthrals,
Thou hast no Lucid Intervalls.
Thy Waspish Tongue will never fail
To prat, to scold, revile and rail:
Though men should bray thee all to Powder,
Thou still, Theristes, plays the louder.
All honest and unbyass'd ken
Those whom thou means't, were worthy men;

They had some faults, though not so big,
As rotten Flees, to spoil a Pigg
Of Ointment; sooner it is known,
We others faults see, then our own.
Presbyterian, never one
Faultless, at them could cast a stone.
It's certain, it comes from the Devil,
To hide men's good, and tell their evil:
They never learned that of Paul,
Or David, when he mourn'd for Saul.
Thou art a Cocks-comb, void of reason,
To tell me of a Book of Season:
Thou learnd'st when thou kept Sheep & Hogs,
With one Stone for to hit two Dogs.
Though thou spue Venom like a Toad,
That Book is much esteem'd abroad.

Squire.
The Squire replyed, many deem
Beyond Sea it is in esteem:
When once it passed Pentland Firth,
It rais'd among them such a mirth,
That some for laughter burst their Rheens,
And other some did split their Spleens:
They cherish'd it in every School,
To be their Bibliotheca's fool;
When serious reading health did spill,
That they might read and laugh their fill:
Physicians it prescrib'd to men
As Cure approved for the Spleen:
At Publick Meetings, and at Feasts,
It was the Topicks of their Jests.
Some say, since known, all his life
To have had with the Bishops strife:
Since for the Covenant none more wood,
To make three Nations swim in blood:

Since he spar'd none whom he could reach,
Who 'gainst the Engagement did not Preach:
Since to the Cause he stuck so fast,
Since Bishops was restor'd at last,
That in the Pulpit he did grant
A Bishop was the Devils plant.
Giving to all his hearers leave,
If ever he turn'd, to call him Knave.
And since, as every body says,
He chang'd in less then twenty days:
It's very like, at others budding,
He turn'd his Coat for Cake and Pudding.
Some say, he is a sounding Brass,
Which signifies a pratling Ass:
He brings no reason which can bind,
But only fights against the wind.
It's clear, that it doth with him fare
As with Sampson without his Hair.
Before his change his Wit was tough,
And he could reason well enough:

But now he kytheth like a fool,
As one would whipp a Boy at School,
To vent in Print so little reason,
And call it an Advice in Season.
Some say, that he treads Bishops Path,
As David serv'd the King of Gath.
Though men to censure him be rash,
He gives the Bishops such a dash,
They need not brag their cause is won
By the Foster of Henderson.
Some say, he Bishops doth betray,
That Presbytry may gain the day,
Who fed him for their Champion hidden,
Others affirm, they are out-bidden;
Which makes him take a contrair task,
As Edward answered once Southesk.
A modest man wrot in a Letter,
He might have pleaded meikle better.
The charitable do not fear,
But for a thousand Merks a year

He would the Bishops yet withstand,
If Covenanters rul'd the Land.

Knight.
Then said the Knight, though in a Morter
I bray this Fool, to no Exhorter
Thou wilt give ear; he'll put thee to it.

Squire.
To whom the Squire, what though he do it,
Both Reason there and Justice halts,
Where one's blam'd for anothers faults.
Was never Judge did things so foul,
Except himself, once at Saint Rule:
He forg'd Records, and them Enacted
To bear false Witness, when Extracted.

I cannot tell, till I advise,
Whether he did it twice or thrice.
Next, I will tell that he gave leave
If ever he turn'd, to call him Knave,
But he can challenge no reflection
Put on him at his own direction:
He is oblidg'd to keep his word
As well as one who wears a Sword.
But if he chance to be so wroth,
As to break Word, as well as Oath,
I'le tell him, I take frantick fits,
And am distracted of my wits,
As he, and others said of late,
When they misguided Church and State.
And I them tax'd of forg'd Records,
As I can prove before the Lords;
If that succeed not, it effeers
That I be judged by my Peers,
That is, by fifteen Poetasters,
Half Fools, half Beggers, half Burlesquers:

All of them proved, Drinkers, Whoorers,
By Preachers, Forgers and Perjurers.
Ere such a Jury can be gotten,
Its certain, I'le be dead and rotten;
Or if Justice so shall halt,
As to cause hang me for his fault;
Hanging to me will be less trouble,
Then worrying on a windy Bubble
At a Dike-side, or under a Stair,
If Weather be not very fair.

Knight.
But then the Knight, we hear, he'l quarrel,
That thou once served Albemarle.

Squire.
To which the Squire, I have no fears,
He dar not challeng't for his ears;

For I can make appear to all
They toss'd me to him like a Ball.
Next, ask that Duke, in any thing
If ever I did prejudge the King.
I forc'd was to dissimulation,
To shun a Rope, and serve my Nation:
I did no evil, but meikle good,
Saving mens Money, and their Blood;
Which services I did for nought,
Which were from men far richer bought.
That Duke can tell, he did suspect it,
Albeit to try, he did neglect it:
When by their Crafty instigation;
He urg'd was to my accusation.
They all tell now of Albemarle,
But they told him another quarrel,
In pleading I could touch a string,
Whose sound will make their ears to ring

Knight.
The Knight said, tush, they'l no more sturr,
Then Moon, when bark't at by a Curr.
For all thy prat, on no condition
I mind to alter the Petition.

Squire.
Then said the Squire, if ye'l not mend it,
Advise at least, by whom to send it,
Since we Petition for Religion,
Your Lady, or your Dog, or Pigeon
Were fittest to be sent, if other,
I'm sore afraid we lose a Brother:
For I dar swear upon th' Evangel,
When he hath got from each his Angel,
To help his charges to defray,
The Fellow will us all betray.

Knight.
When things succeed not, fools do slite,

100

Giving betraying all the wite,
Reply'd the Knight, they said of late
They were betray'd, when they were beat;
And they said true, who did not stand,
Betrayed are by heart and hand
But to the point, as for my Wife,
I'le never send her in my life;
For fear some Courtier or other
Would make me old King Arthurs Brother.
My Dog is an unruly Curr,
And at the Court will keep a sturr,
Seeing Conformists up and down,
He barks so at a High-sleev'd Gown,
That Bishops either will cause stone him,
Or else yoak Boutcher Dogs upon him.
As for my Pigeon, it cannot be,
She hath another gate to flee:
A Message she hath tane in hand,
To search for that most happy Land,
Unknown to any heretofore,
But only to Sir Thomas More:

101

Where we intend to fix Plantation,
If forc'd to change our Habitation.
And since a Poet rightly hits,
That greatest fools have greatest wits,
To shun self-dealing, it is fit
To choose one not outgrown in wit;
So he can Buffonize, and Jest,
At publick Meeting, and at Feast,
And catch a time to tell the truth,
Like Davids great Grand-mother Ruth.
The Whiggs with an applauding hollow
Cry'd out, his counsel they would follow:
Which once concluded, all arose,
And set on Pans to make their Brose.
When after that some fools were named
To be employ'd, they all were blamed:
And none thought fit, they still enquire,
And find none fitter then the Squire:
On him then they enforc'd the Message,
When he went out on his Embassage,

102

How at the Court he did arrive,
How to affront him they did strive:
But how the Buffons all he outted;
How Hudibras his Squire he routed,
When they two yoaked by the Ears
About the baiting of the Bears:
And how he manag'd every thing,
And how he harrang'd to the King:
And how he cited ends of Verses,
And sayings of Philosophers;
At which some laugh'd, and some were vex'd,
Ye'l be advertis'd by the next.

FINIS.