Scripscrapologia or, Collins's Doggerel Dish Of All Sorts. Consisting of Songs Adapted to familiar Tunes, And which may be sung without the Chaunterpipe of an Italian Warbler, or the ravishing Accompaniments of Tweedle-Dum or Tweedle-Dee. Particularly those which have been most applauded in the author's once popular performance, call'd, The Brush. The Gallimaufry garnished with a variety of comic tales, quaint epigrams, whimsical epitaphs, &c. &c. [by John Collins] |
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A CRUST FOR THE QUORUM;
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 | Scripscrapologia |  |
A CRUST FOR THE QUORUM;
OR, A WORSHIPFUL WISEACRE FAIRLY FOIL'D.
“He who at words is apt to nibble,
“May find a crack-jaw in a quibble”
EVENING BRUSH, Part 2.
“May find a crack-jaw in a quibble”
EVENING BRUSH, Part 2.
Once an old country Squaretoes, to fopp'ry a foe,
And disgusted alike at a crop and a beau,
Being churchwarden made, was in office so strict,
That there scarce was a coat but a hole in't he pick'd;
Infringements, encroachments, and trespasses scouting,
And from stradling the tombstones the boys daily routing;
At last made a Justice, corruption to purge,
His Worship became both a nuisance and scourge:
When a poor needy neighbour, who kept a milch Ass,
Which he often turn'd into the church-yard for grass,
And with long ears and tail o'er the graves did he stray,
While, perchance, now and then at bystanders he'd bray;
One day as Old Midas was passing along,
He set up his pipes at his brother, Ding, dong!
At which his puff'd pride was so stung to the quick,
That he glar'd at the browser as stern as Old Nick;
And when he got home for the Sexton he sent,
Who with this doughty threat to the Ass-keeper went,
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Or be seen in the church-yard—he'd cut off his Tail.
When the Owner replied—“Sure his Worship but jeers;
But should he dock Donky—I'll cut off his Ears.”
When no sooner the answer was brought to him back,
But he summon'd before him the Clown in a crack;
And he said, “Thou vile Varlet, how comes it to pass,
That thou dar'st for to threaten to crop a Just-ass?
Thou cut off my Ears?—Make his Mittimus, Clerk;
I'll make an example of this precious spark:
But first reach me down the Black Act,—he shall see
That, the next Lent Assizes, he'll swing on a tree.”
“I zwing on a tree!—And for what,” replies Hob,
“How the Dickens caame zuch a streange freak in your knob?
“I woanly but zaid, if my Ass met your sheers,
“And You cut off his Tail, that I'd cut off his Ears;
“Vor as long Tails, you think, is the mark of a Fop,
“I'd ha' done't, to have made'n completely a Crop.”
At this subtle rejoinder, his Worship, struck dumb,
Found his proud overbearing was quite overcome;
So the Ass sav'd his Tail by a quibble so clever,
And the Justice's Ears are now longer than ever.
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