Scripscrapologia or, Collins's Doggerel Dish Of All Sorts. Consisting of Songs Adapted to familiar Tunes, And which may be sung without the Chaunterpipe of an Italian Warbler, or the ravishing Accompaniments of Tweedle-Dum or Tweedle-Dee. Particularly those which have been most applauded in the author's once popular performance, call'd, The Brush. The Gallimaufry garnished with a variety of comic tales, quaint epigrams, whimsical epitaphs, &c. &c. [by John Collins] |
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JOYFUL NEWS FOR ENGLISH JACOBINS.
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 | Scripscrapologia |  |
JOYFUL NEWS FOR ENGLISH JACOBINS.
A Tale.
“You share in the plunder of TROY, Dogs! Are ye not TROJANS?
The prize, Greeks, is ours, and we share it with no traitors. But
as every workman should have his wages, there are ropes for ye all,
and by JANUS you shall swing ilke bells in a steeple. Here, SINON,
conduct them to the patibulum, the gallows groans for them. Hence,
rascals, and go hang. But first cut out their tongues, that they insult
not the Gods with the mockery of repentance.”
FALL of ILLIUM, Act v. Scene 2.
Says a cut-throat, one day, inter se, to another,
Ah! wou'd that the French were all here, my dear brother!
“They'd give us true liberty, wipe off our taxes,
“And lop lofty heads with Republican axes,
“Plunder Churchmen and Royalists, ravish their wives,
“Daughters, sisters, and mothers, nor spare their brats' lives:
“But for US, their staunch friends, we are all safe and snug,
“Not a hair of our heads would be lost in the tug;
“But when England is vanquish'd by Gallican thunder,
“WE shall surely come in for a share of the plunder.
Ah! wou'd that the French were all here, my dear brother!
“They'd give us true liberty, wipe off our taxes,
“And lop lofty heads with Republican axes,
“Plunder Churchmen and Royalists, ravish their wives,
“Daughters, sisters, and mothers, nor spare their brats' lives:
“But for US, their staunch friends, we are all safe and snug,
“Not a hair of our heads would be lost in the tug;
“But when England is vanquish'd by Gallican thunder,
“WE shall surely come in for a share of the plunder.
12
When, lo! to the sudden surprise of the twain,
Who by Old England's loss had thus plann'd their own gain,
One of John Bull's True Breed, over-hearing, by chance,
Through a lathy partition, those good friends to France,
Rush'd into the room, and exclaim'd, with an oath,
Who by Old England's loss had thus plann'd their own gain,
One of John Bull's True Breed, over-hearing, by chance,
Through a lathy partition, those good friends to France,
Rush'd into the room, and exclaim'd, with an oath,
“May the gallows, ye fiends, be the fate of ye both:—
“Yet before I'm compell'd an informer to turn,
“An office which now I no longer can spurn;
“To shew you, ye short-sighted half-witted slaves,
“That your heads prove ye fools, while your hearts prove ye knaves,—
“When rebellion broke out, half a cent'ry ago,
“To shake England's peace with a perilous blow,
“The Blue Bonnet Clans in a torrent rush'd forth,
“And as far South as Derby arriv'd from the North,
“Which in wild consternation put all the poor folk,
“Except traitorous imps, who rejoic'd at the joke;
“And one of those caitiffs, a Crispin by craft,
“Who at murders, and rapes, and such little things laught,
“Well assur'd that HIS house would no plunder sustain,
“As he still brawl'd for Charley and Charley again,
“Hail'd the Clans, as they pass'd in their plaids and their trooze,
“Crying, ‘Walk in and buy, Gemmen, buy my stout shoes.’—
“But scarce was the herd from the Roll-call dismiss'd,
“To forage and quarter where'er they might list,
“When barefoot and sorefoot they soon wheel'd about,
“And their friend Crispin's shop soon regain'd in their route,
“Where Donald, their spokesman and paymaster serjeant,
“With pockets which neither could boast or or argent ,
“Thus address'd Master Snob—‘My gude freend we ken weel,
“That your heart in oor cause is baith linkan and leel,
“And ye'd mak na mair words than the mon that cries barley,
“To spend your best blude to support Royal Charley;
“But observe when oor feet are in this waefu trim,
“In supporting of us, ye're supporting of him,
“So to prove how we prize sic a pillar and prop,
“We'll accept, as your gift,—Aw the Shoes in your Shop;
“And for Boots, a free gift, we're alike equal suitors,
“Though the Kernes, when we wear them, may call us Free Booters!’
“The Prologue now spoken, the Play quick began,
“And Crispin's fine stock soon equipp'd the whole clan;
“All regardless which way he to politics lean'd,
“Nor left the vile traitor by treachery skreen'd!
“Hear this, you two rascals,” says honest John Trot,
“Nor think to 'scape free, though combin'd in the plot;
“Hell's work to complete, you may league and conspire,
“And, your country to ruin, employ sword and fire;
“But if shoe-makers, hosiers, or hatters, or aught,
“Whose wares are as easily pillag'd as bought,
“Never think the good French, should they Britain subdue,
“Will regard who's the owner of hat, hose or shoe,
“Nor believe, that while plund'ring their good friends and brothers,
“They'll indulge British traitors in plund'ring of others.
“No, no; all the grist must be brought to their mills,
“Gran'ries, storehouses, breweries, wine presses, stills,
“Corn and oil, milk and honey, flocks, herds, house and land,
“Gold, jewels, goods, chattels, will Frenchmen command:
“Nor a Briton, howe'er he may forfeit the name,
“By apostacy, dare to put in the least claim!
“But your filthy work done, and your country betray'd,
“As you choke up the soil, you must fall by the blade,
“Like rank noxious weeds, both a nuisance and scoff,
“And to perish in flames be most justly cut off!
“This, this would your end be, you pair of sad dogs,
“If here you could bring those devourers of frogs.
“But since you're found out,” says Old Rugged and Tough,
“Against naked truth you'll be forc'd to stand buff;
“And if, for this time, you 'scape Botany Bay,
“Wood and hemp will still grow—and each dog have his day.
“Yet before I'm compell'd an informer to turn,
“An office which now I no longer can spurn;
“To shew you, ye short-sighted half-witted slaves,
“That your heads prove ye fools, while your hearts prove ye knaves,—
“When rebellion broke out, half a cent'ry ago,
“To shake England's peace with a perilous blow,
“The Blue Bonnet Clans in a torrent rush'd forth,
“And as far South as Derby arriv'd from the North,
“Which in wild consternation put all the poor folk,
“Except traitorous imps, who rejoic'd at the joke;
“And one of those caitiffs, a Crispin by craft,
“Who at murders, and rapes, and such little things laught,
“Well assur'd that HIS house would no plunder sustain,
“As he still brawl'd for Charley and Charley again,
“Hail'd the Clans, as they pass'd in their plaids and their trooze,
“Crying, ‘Walk in and buy, Gemmen, buy my stout shoes.’—
“But scarce was the herd from the Roll-call dismiss'd,
“To forage and quarter where'er they might list,
“When barefoot and sorefoot they soon wheel'd about,
“And their friend Crispin's shop soon regain'd in their route,
“Where Donald, their spokesman and paymaster serjeant,
“With pockets which neither could boast or or argent ,
“Thus address'd Master Snob—‘My gude freend we ken weel,
“That your heart in oor cause is baith linkan and leel,
13
“To spend your best blude to support Royal Charley;
“But observe when oor feet are in this waefu trim,
“In supporting of us, ye're supporting of him,
“So to prove how we prize sic a pillar and prop,
“We'll accept, as your gift,—Aw the Shoes in your Shop;
“And for Boots, a free gift, we're alike equal suitors,
“Though the Kernes, when we wear them, may call us Free Booters!’
“The Prologue now spoken, the Play quick began,
“And Crispin's fine stock soon equipp'd the whole clan;
“All regardless which way he to politics lean'd,
“Nor left the vile traitor by treachery skreen'd!
“Hear this, you two rascals,” says honest John Trot,
“Nor think to 'scape free, though combin'd in the plot;
“Hell's work to complete, you may league and conspire,
“And, your country to ruin, employ sword and fire;
“But if shoe-makers, hosiers, or hatters, or aught,
“Whose wares are as easily pillag'd as bought,
“Never think the good French, should they Britain subdue,
“Will regard who's the owner of hat, hose or shoe,
“Nor believe, that while plund'ring their good friends and brothers,
“They'll indulge British traitors in plund'ring of others.
“No, no; all the grist must be brought to their mills,
“Gran'ries, storehouses, breweries, wine presses, stills,
“Corn and oil, milk and honey, flocks, herds, house and land,
“Gold, jewels, goods, chattels, will Frenchmen command:
“Nor a Briton, howe'er he may forfeit the name,
“By apostacy, dare to put in the least claim!
“But your filthy work done, and your country betray'd,
“As you choke up the soil, you must fall by the blade,
“Like rank noxious weeds, both a nuisance and scoff,
“And to perish in flames be most justly cut off!
14
“If here you could bring those devourers of frogs.
“But since you're found out,” says Old Rugged and Tough,
“Against naked truth you'll be forc'd to stand buff;
“And if, for this time, you 'scape Botany Bay,
“Wood and hemp will still grow—and each dog have his day.
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