University of Virginia Library

12. CHAPTER XII.

THE governor, wearied out by this folly of the people
of his government, and being somewhat in a passion,
at a meeting of the legislature, instead of sending a message,
came in, and with a speech made the welkin
ring. For it was out o doors that they were convened,
not having yet built a state-house; and being a man of
very powerful lungs, like some of your warriors of antiquity,
or Shelby of Kentucky, in modern times, and
mounting a stump, on a rising ground, the heavens his
canopy, he raised his stentorian voice. “Good people,
said he, I care no more about my popularity with you;
or whether I am again to be chosen governor or not, than
I care whether you are fools or knaves; it all comes to
much the same thing; for in both cases, you mistake
your own interest. If this fool fellow, Teague O`Regan,
that has been one day popular with you, so as to be fit
for any office, and at another day not fit to be your hangman,
has found a stone, which this politician, the visionary
philosopher, gives out as having the virtue of transmuting
metals, and changing wood or shells into gold
and silver; if this ragamuffin, I say, has found such a
stone, which I no more believe than that my horses' hoof
has the virtue of changing the earth that he treads upon,
into gold; what good would it do you, when the very
thing that makes such metal precious, scarcity, would
take away all use, or benefit of it? If you would make
gold and silver as plenty as bank notes, would it be of
more value? Do you take me for one that, for the sake
of keeping my place, would consult a temporary popularity?
I tell you that I will have no more teaching
beasts to speak, sing, or whistle: no more coining money,
by philosophers stones; or discoveries of perpetual
motions, or any such stuff. Your philosopher may
teach you to catch crabs in a new way, or to open oysters;
I look to what will establish the government, and
render it vigorous; taxation, and no borrowing from
Jew brokers, like minors that have their estates in expectancy.
Does the heart borrow from without; or does
it not take back the blood from the extremities, which it

has circulated to them? It is a cheat and deception of
the people not to tell them truth—
Said the latin schoolmaster. No, said the governor, they
shall not be deceived by me. I disregard their caucusing,
and talking of taking up another candidate for governor
They may have my bog-trotter, or the visionary
philosopher, when they please; and they may impeach
me when out of office, or let it alone: I am at their
defiance, having acted to the best of my judgment, for
their true happiness. Do they take me for a coward in
politics, that am afraid to touch their pockets, and apply
to a philosopher's stone, even if it had the virtue of making
gold, when the making gold or silver, would do more
harm than good?

“You may have my bog-trotter, and welcome, for a governor;
I am pretty well tired of bothering myself with
him, to make use of a phrase of his own; I have had as
much trouble on my hands with him as Don Quixotte
had with Sancho Panza; and I cannot but acknowledge,
as some say, that I have resembled Don Quixotte myself,
at least in having such a bog-trotter after me; save
that Sancho rode upon an ass, and this O`Regan trots on
foot. But I hope I shall not be considered as resembling
that Spaniard in taking a wind-mill for a giant; a common
stone for a magnet that can attract, or transmute
metals. It is you that are the Don Quixottes in this respect,
madcaps, and some of you from the madcap
settlement, Thady O`Connor and several others, tossing
up your caps at every turn, for a new constitution; not
considering that when a thing gets in the way of changing,
it will never stop until it gets to the end of
liberty, and reaches despotism, which is the bourne
from whence no traveller returns. Do you take me
for Jefferson? You are mistaken if you think I have
so good an opinion of you. I would ill deserve your confidence
if I made your whims my guide; or regarded
popularity obtained in such a way. It never came into
my head that, because I had got the chair of government,
there was a millenium about to come, when all men would
do justice, and there would be no occasion for judges
and lawyers; nations could be coerced by proclamations;
and no war would ensue. Your philosopher's
stone will stand you in little stead if an army is to be

raised and a fleet supported; and without an army and a
navy, are you safe within or without? Not while you
live in a country where there is a water on one side and
savages on the other. John Bull will come by the water,
and Tecumseh by the wilderness. A navy is the safe
defence of a republic where it must, or at least, will have
commerce. It always rallies round the government,
and not faction. I want money to support a navy and an
army, and this I will have, not by a philosopher's stone,
but by drawing on yourselves; and when you cannot
pay, then borrow; but lay yourselves to the wheels, and
see what you can do first.

“The mischief is, you have too much money, and hence
it is we hear of banks in every quarter, depreciating the
medium until a paper dollar comes to be an oak-leaf;
and if you were to make silver as plenty, it would be the
same thing. I will have none of your philosophers
stones, I will put my veto on it.

“The priesthood have young John Bull, I mean New
England, under complete subjection; because they alarm
them with the idea that but for them, the clergy, the
witches would be let loose, and carry them to the red sea.
Now, I neither wish such subordination, or by such
means; but I tell you the truth, that I will resign the
government, and go about my business, bog-trotting as I
used to do, with some new waiter, if I should leave
Teague upon your hands. I neither know nor care, but
I should not be surprized, if some of you should have
your necks in the guillotine, before a fortnight; (and
here he gave a description of the guillotine.) This happened
in the French revolution, and it will happen with
you, if you give way to your reveries. I will abdicate
this moment. I am off; and I would not wonder if
some of you had a guillotine about your necks before the
morning.”

At this, descending from the stump, and making as if
about to go off, a great dismay fell upon the legislative
body, and the multitude without. They had a confused
idea of the matter threatened, but could not well conceive
what it was. Some thought it was at least a hanging
matter that was to come upon them; but all apprehended
some bad consequence, there having been a rumour of
philosophers in France having brought the nation to
much suffering, by guillotines; the royal family having
fallen victims to this mammoth kind of execution. They

began therefore to intreat him to retain his place as governor;
and even hinted at a resolution to guillotine the
bog-trotter. It was moved, and seconded, and passed
nemine contradicente, that the bog-trotter should be
guillotined. The visionary philosopher afraid that in
this turn of the public mind, he might also be guillotined,
fell in with the current of the popular opinion, and
said he was for the guillotine; that he had a model of one
in his pocket. It was the fact, he had a model, not in
the least expecting such a result of things; or that there
would be any occasion for a guillotine; but merely as
the model of a machine that had been in use, at a distance,
but not introduced here. I have, said he, the
model of a guillotine, pulling it out, and, I take it, with
the help of a carpenter or two, I could have one constructed
of a proper size for the bog-trotter in the course
of this evening. Resolved and seconded, that a guilletine
should be made, and that the bog-trotter should be
executed at ten o'clock the next morning.

I would just observe, said the governor, that the guillotine
has fallen into disrepute in France. Deportation is the modern manner of disposing of the criminal. And
without much time lost, it may be perfectly convenient
to carry a deportation into effect. Here is a tin cart of
one of these young John Bulls; I mean one of those carts
that carry tin-ware, watering-cans, and cullenders. You
can make use of one of these for deportation from the
country, not that I can spare my bog-trotter from digging
potatoes, but here is Thady O`Connor, a loose fish, that
can be put into it. No sooner said than done; Thady
O`Connor was taken up and put into the cart.