University of Virginia Library

18. CHAPTER XVIII.

WHEN I speak of the Visionary Philosopher, I do
not mean him that had

but who had seen the great Stewart, who delivered lectures
in this country, on the perfectibility of man, and
this student, or disciple, had been disposed to carry the
matter farther, and discuss the perfectibility of beasts.

It is impracticable, said the Governor. Instinct has
but narrow limits; and is not improvable, as is human
reason. However sagacious a fox may be, in eluding
hounds, and catching poultry, the distinction is immense
in the nature of the intellect. I hope you would not
think of extending the right of suffrage to these. There
is no incorporating wild-cats and jack-daws in the community.
We have enough to do with men that have the
shapes of Christians, let alone, opossums, and jackalls,
and bears of the forest that have no reflection; or if they
could reflect, would their keepers permit that intercourse
with peaceable inhabitants, as to render the interchange
of civilities safe and convenient. In point of capacity they
would be deficient, and unqualified even for the ministerial
offices of government. But as to those duties, or
professions which require some discrimination of meum,
and tuum, they ever remain totally incompetent.

What? said the Philosopher, persisting in his theory;
have you not heard it said, that judge this, or judge that,
is an ass, that another is a horse, and of even a juris consult,
or barrister, for instance is a panther; a bear; especially
when he is hard upon a witness in his cross examination?
Might it not be practicable to bring a brute beast
to be even capable of filling an office of trust or honour?

I grant that a judge, figuratively, said the Governor,
may be a horse, or a buffalo, or an ass; or that a counsellor
may somewhat resemble the ferocity of a tyger at
the bar. But that these animals, stript of all figure, and
colouring of speech, should in reality, and in propria
personæ, be put upon the bench, or licensed to plead,
would be more than I am yet prepared to think advisable.

You are not aware of the hypothesis of Darwin, said
the Philosopher, that man may have been originally a
cray-fish, or a flying-squirrel?

I am not, said the Governor. And though I do not
know that the Lord spoke all things to Moses that he is
said to have spoken; for there may have been some mistakes
in the translations from the Hebrew, as in other
versions; yet there seems to me more probability in the
cosmongony, of that Hebrew writer, than in the reveries
of Darwin in his Temple of Nature, or his Zoonomia.
And even supposing the brutal to be capable of amelioration
from one nature to another, until it reaches the
human, it would seem to me, that its rights should keep
pace only with the improvement of its forms; and that
we should wait until the elephant comes to sit upon his
one end, and cease to go upon all fours, before we think
of introducing even the noblest of animals, in point of
intellect, into a participation of civil institutions. The
swinish multitude, are spoken of as having a right to
vote; but that also is figurative, and it is not meant that
a pig can be actually admitted at the hustings to give in
a ticket; much less, that a wolf, just taken in a trap,
should be made a justice of the peace, or an alderman.

What, said the Philosopher; has there not been a
time when the beasts spoke?

said the Latin schoolmaster, who had just joined the conversation.

It is fabulous, said the Governor. I have seen what
is called the history of Reynard the Fox; and what beasts
were when under the monarchy, where the lyon was
king; and I think a good book might be written, called
the republic of beasts, pourtraying the cabals of men,
and their contentions in a free government. But to constitute
a republic in reality, of the four-footed creation,
would be carrying matters a step farther than has ever
yet been attempted In that case, I acknowledge we
would have no occasion for the common law; nor tribunals,
or forms of administering justice; jury trial might
be abolished; for scratching and scrambling would be
the way of every one.

Blackstone has a chapter, said the blind Lawyer, “on
the redress of private wrongs, by the mere act of the
parties.”

That would make shorter work than even an arbitration,
said a bystander.

But, said the Governor, to speak seriously, though it
may give a wise man indignation to see incapacity in
office, which will always be the case in any government,
and perhaps not more in a republic than in any other;
nay I incline to think less so, which it behooves me
to say, who am honoured with one, under that kind of
constitution, yet I am opposed to the extreme of universal
suffrage, to all the denizens of the forest, as some
are pleased to stile them, and which phrase may have
misled this philosopher to think them capable of being
denizen amongst men. But if you think the experiment
worth making, let a number be collected, and go into
the measure with caution, and deliberation. You will
see what a conflict will take place, and what a warring
there will soon be.

said the Latin schoolmaster.

Plase your honours, said Teague O'Regan, who was
listening, a shape will be de safest baste to halter first,
and try in de plough o' de commonwealth. If de pretty
baste can say ba, in de congress o' de nation, dey cannot
say dat it is de ass dat spakes.

There may be a prettier, but there cannot be a greater
beast than yourself, Teague O'Regan, said some one in
the crowd. And yet we have heard of you getting an
office; what is more, we see you in one, not just on the
bench, as in a neighbouring state, but in an office though
executive. It is said, the Captain, our now Governor,
who opposes the innovation of giving horned cattle a
vote, proposed you for congress, and would have no objection
to have seen you President of the Union.

That is not the fact, said the Governor; I did object
to it, but I was overruled and induced to let the experiment
be made; but I never did approve of such extraordinary
advancement; though were I to be guided by
what I see here, I might not think the presumption so
preposterous. How much better are many of you that
are in office, than Teague O'Regan?

The visionary Philosopher having taken wind, went
on. Why need Cyrano de Berjerac have gone to the
moon, said he, to see monkeys and baboons in the capacities

of waiting men, if we had been supplied with domestics
of that description here? And why limit our experiments
to what may be made of men? The perfectibility
of human nature, no one can doubt, who has heard
the lectures of Stewart, the pedestrian, who was in this
country some years ago. And why not the perfectibility
of animals that are not human? I have heard a man
called a calf, a sheep, a hog, a goose, and why not, one
day, hear these called man? And to accomplish this, I
would by admitting them to the elective franchise; at
least all above a certain age, and who have come to the
years of discretion.

Years of discretion! said the Governor. Did you ever
hear of a beast coming to the years of discretion? Instinct
is not common sense: for common sense is that
degree of understanding, that portion of intellect which
is generally distributed to the human species. Where
the capacity is in any way distinguished, we call it talent.
But where that portion of judgment which enables
to judge with reasonable correctness on common subjects
is given, we call it common sense. A man may
be a scholar, a lawyer, a judge; that is, may have the reputation
of a scholar, and may have the commission of
a judge, and yet want common sense; by which I mean
sense in common things. For a knowledge of abtract
rules may go some length to make a man of science;
but common sense is judgment in the application of
rules. It is the comparing things; and hence it is that
I do not think this Philosopher, though he may surpass
the magi of Babylon in a knowledge of the stars, can have
common sense, in urging this matter upon a young people,
just beginning a new government. What would you
do with a horse upon a bench; to eat hay, and dung on
it: a monkey a prothonotary, to crack nuts, and be restless:
an ass to quote British precedents, and to say, my
lord has said this, and my lord has said that; if indeed he
could not say any thing, and not rather bray what he had
to say. We have dunces enough of our breed to be doing
with a while yet. Why enlarge the sphere of stupidity
A pretty bar we would have of it in point of
order, if elks, and panthers were admitted to conduct a
cause; motions for new trials in abundance. The pertinacity
of the unicorn would be unsufferable.

What! said Will Watlin, a constable; have we not
heard a bar called a bear guardian; interrupting one another,

troublesome to the court. I should like to see a
cat, and a racoon wrangle as some of these have done.
The mild and the modest man has no chance. All is
carried by a coup de main, which some interpret a stroke
of the fist. I am not permitted to take up my staff and
apply it to knock them, as I should be warranted in doing,
in case of a wild boar, or a rhinocerous, I should
take them across the noddle, as I would have done many
a lawyer, if the rules of court permitted it.

I am for enlarging the sphere of jurisprudence, said
Harum Scarum; and the province of admission to bench
or bar. Is any man afraid of the rivalship of turkey-buzzards?
What can check the hospitality of letting
all into the pale of our union? We shall have more to
contend against the savages.

Pro aris et focis, said the Latin schoolmaster.

We shall have more to contend against the savages,
continued Harum Scarum; for increase numbers in a
government, and in that proportion, you render them active
in support of their privileges. Men that ought to
think, can learn to stand upon their heads, and to run
upon all fours; and why not beasts of the wood learn to
think. I dislike the having all things in a common
course. Nature herself has given us the variety of seasons,
and revolutions of the sun and moon, and heavenly
bodies, and why not in the affairs of men; and especially
in their social institutions as to representation, or exclusion.

In the mean time, about a score of young persons, by
climbing up into trees, to hear the debate, or to see
what was going on in the centre of the meeting, were
seen by the spectators, and mistaken for opossums that
were turned into men already, by the bare proposition
of advancing them to naturalization; and though this
error was corrected in a short time by one of them who
had fallen and brought intelligence of the cause of the
ascension, and the mistake of the transformation; yet
it but struck the notion deeper into the heads of the vulgar,
of having accession from the quadrupeds at the
next census of free inhabitants; and a man with a strong
voice in particular called out that it should be so. A
bull happening to roar, and a horse to neigh at the same
time, it was called out that it was the voice of the people.

In the multitude of a town meeting, or even in a whole
community, it requires but a few persons stationed at
convenient distances, and dispersed in due proportion, to
raise a voice, and to call out in favour of a proposition,
to give it currency, and acceptability. Every one fearing
to be in the minority, will seize the opportunity of
coming round to the majority. It is “the height of ability
to distinguish the times,” says the Duke de Rochefaucault
and I know no proof of discernment in a republic
greater than to foresee which way the current is
like to set, and to sail with it; or rather, if you can influence
at all, to seize occasion by the forelock, and by
disposing a few frogs in a pond to roar, make it be supposed
that the public opinion is in the direction you chuse
to have it. Shall a man value himself on predicting the
weather, and not the changes of political events? At
least this is the principle upon which the greater part of
politicians act.

The Governor finding that he was like to be on the
unpopular side of the question, was willing to ease away,
and come under the lee of the Chief Justice, who though
but a blind man could see farther into the nature of the
occasion, than his excellency. His opinion was to let
the thing take its course, and in a short time the public
would be convinced how impracticable it was to extend
liberty, where nature meant that it should have limits.
He thought it best to address himself to their feelings in
point of interest, than to call in question, the practicability
of the project.

Philosopher, said he, there is no doubt, but there is truth
in what you say; and your proposition might be carried
into effect, with suitable restrictions. But if we should
admit the beasts to the rights of citizenship, we should
have set them free as we done the negroes. The very
right of suffrage would be a manumission; and it would
be unreasonable to extend the privilege to such as are
of feræ naturæ, and exclude tame beasts. Now if cattle
of oxen, and horses become entitled to equal privileges
we could not treat them as beasts of burden, or
use them for the draught; much less could we knock
down a pig, or shoot a deer, or take the skin off a bear;
not even ride a horse, but on condition of taking turns,
and letting him sometimes ride us. Who of you would
be hitched in a sled, or stand at the tongue of a wagon
for a whole night champing cut straw, and rye meal, or

bear the whip of the carter in the day time? Who would
be ringed and yoked like a pig, to keep you from getting
through a fence?

These observations, however ridiculous, had more effect
in quelling the commotion, than any direct reasoning
because whatever crosses the thought, and gives a
different direction to the imagination, has been known
to be most effectual in relieving a derangement of the
mind.