University of Virginia Library

7. CHAPTER VII.

FROM the right of suffrage, to the right of delegation,
the transition was easy; and hence the idea of
admiting beasts to a vote in elections, naturally led to
that of beasts being voted for, and elected to a representative
body. Why not, said an advocate for this policy
Because said an adversary, they cannot speak;
brutum pecus that have no utterance; not even to say
aye, or no. That is the very reason, said the other,
that it behooves to chuse such delegates. What do we
not suffer from the verbiage, and loquacity of members?
A measure of peace or war cannot be carried but
over the belly of a thousand harangues protracted to an
immeasurable length, by orators that know as little of the
subject as a whipperwill, or a jaybird; and yet chatter
continually so as to prevent the question being taken.
Commend me to a brute beast, a buffalo, or sheep that
would chew the cud, and hold its tongue. If there were
at least a mixture of those, there would be fewer
speakers, and take up less time. Unless you
gag a member, he will speak even though no one
would wish him to open his mouth, unless to take a
quid of tobacco. If an elk, or a horse were to speak,
he would make the speach short, if we were to infer
from that pithy speech made by Balaam's ass; coming
to the point at once, and saying all in a few words, that
most of your human orators now-a-days in deliberative
bodies, would chuse to say in a speech of many hours.
These would seem to make conscience of giving quantity
for quality, and this is the only apology that can
be made for interminable rhapsodies. Nor is it enough
that they waste time in speaking, but they must write
out what they have said and trouble the public with
conceptions in the papers; crude as they would seem
to be, and tire some to read. If any one should undertake
to travel through them; it can only be such
as have much leisure on their hands, and at a loss to
know what to do with their time. But the mischief
is not altogether to be avoided by the not reading
them, because the journals are taken up with such
effusions in the place of which something better

might be selected for the public. There is a double
advantage in a brute animal to whom nature had denied
the power of speech, in being a member of congress
because in this casethere is usually denied to
such, the talent of writing speeches. If a member, conscious
to himself of not excelling in extempore eloquence
should hold his tongue, like a dum creature,
yet it is ten to one but he will write speeches that he
has saved from his prolixity, yet the press is
made to groan under the oppression of his verbosity.
Give we a young colt that will say little, rather than a
jackanapes of the human species that will be eternally
on the floor. I am for sending a few asses, not figuratively,
but literally, to our council, who will bray, but
will do no more than bray a reasonable length of time,
and suffer the more intelligent of the members to arrange
and carry through the business. No ass brays
more than a few minutes at a time, unless you pinch
it, or occasion it uneasiness in some way. Whether
is it more against nature to send nominally something
else; but, in fact an ass?

If a beast of the forest should go to the house, he
will not be continually turning his head round to listen,
and to hear what other beasts say of his speeches, or
his vote. He will be more independent of his constituents
that are running at large upon the hills, or
in the pasture, nor will the idea come into his head, that
he is bound by their instructions; a thing inconsistent
with the delegating representatives to think where
they will have a better opportunity of knowing what
is for the good of the commonwealth. If this doctrine
is correct, it is the constituent that stays at home that
is to think, and the representative that goes to a public
body, not to think at all; at least not to make use of
his thoughts; which by the bye, is an argument for
beasts going, and men staying at home. Will the
desire of popularity induce your wild, or tame cattle
to make long speeches or to regard what Tom, Dick,
or Harry may say about their votes? they may be
led to prolong the session for the sake of oats and corn,
which they have in their mangers; but, it will not be by
many words that this will be done. One cause, at least,
of the mischief will be struck away. The desire of
members to retain their seats, and procure a re-election,
will not exist so strong with the denizens of the woods

and fields, who will naturally not have the same attachment
to a house, as human creatures that are accustomed
to be within doors. On all these grounds, there will be
more independence in our councils, and less subservience
to popular opinion. Individuals will not be continually
looking out to see which way the wind blows; nor will they
covet place, and preferment so much, looking out to be
ambassadors; or to have other appointments abroad, or at
home. I am for keeping at home, at least a portion, of
the servile pecus, and sending real cattle to the public
bodies. One advantage farther; there would be no canabalism
in the blockheads of the human shape that are sent
with them, knocking down a member bullock at the end
of a session; nor would there be an inconvenience in riding
a colleague horse home. Sir, said an adversary, your
ject seems to be to burlesque a representative government.
I deny it, said the advocate; it is to burlesque
the abuses of elections, and of the elective franchise.—
If people go to employ a mechanic, or manufacturer of
any sort, they look out for a capable person; one skilled
in the art, or occupation, and with science and experience
requisite for the thing to be made, or the object to be
accomplished. But, to manage the affairs of a nation,
nothing more is sought than simply the being of a party;
or the being capable of being made so by some master
of the drama at home in a village or district. It is never
enquired whether he has two legs or four, provided
he answers the purpose of a junto in a neighbourhood.
Hence—what?
No; stupidity or local selfishness; and words, in order
to hide in the rubbish, the want of ideas.

If that is the case, said the adversary, and you do not
mean to advocate the giving beasts suffrages, or sending
them as representatives, I have no quarrel with you.—
What these people will do, into whose hands it has been
put, is more than I can tell. It is said to be an easy thing
to raise the devil; but to lay him, requires all the art of
the free-mason with a wand, circle, and a black cat.

I do not think it would do any great harm if it was
tried, said the advocate. The truth is, I am so much dissatisfied
with this mischief in sending incompetent persons
to represent us in legislative bodies, talking a long
time and saying nothing, or worse than nothing, that I

must either laugh or cry; and I think it is as well to
laugh; to be Democritus, rather than Heraclitus. But
if there is any remedy for this evil, it must be ridicule;
and I am willing to try my hand a little at it. If a cow
or a horse was chosen, people would begin to think; by
pushing the thing to an extremity, the contrast is better
seen. If a dumb beast should obtain a majority of suffrages,
it would be asked why he did not obtain such a
seat; and it would be answered, because he was dumb;
and in that case could not be a long-speaking member.

But is there no remedy for these things upon principle?
said the adversary. I know of none, said the advocate
unless the having fewer members, might curtail a
little, there not being so many to take up time; or the
putting muzzles on them like young calves; but that
would keep them from eating as well as speaking.—
Ridicule, by sending a young bull to the house, because
he would hold his tongue; except bellowing a
little, will, I take it, be found the ultimate remedy. A
very few members, were they so disposed, would take as
much time as the greater number, unless there were so
very few that they could not relieve each other when out
of breath. Loquacity is the fashion of the day; and I
wish to bring taciturnity back again, which has been out
of date almost since the school of Pythagoras. I will
have, at least, a reasonable proportion of dumb creatures
put up at our elections, and sent to the representative
bodies.

This was a dialogue, aside, between the advocate for
the eligibility of beasts, and the individual who opposed
it; it had little effect, one way or the other, not being in
the presence of the multitude.