University of Virginia Library

11. CHAPTER XI.

THE visionary philosopher, notwithstanding the
want of success which attended his speculations, had
still great weight amongst the people. I mean, his opinions
had great weight; for though a tall man, he was
not of great corpulency. It had been suggested that it
behooved to impose taxes for the support of government.
What? said the philosopher, have you not got a constitution;
and cannot a constitution work without taxes?
At all events, what is called an impost may suffice. An
impost; what is that? said a man amongst the crowd.
Why, an imposition, said another, what else could it be?
Impost, has nothing to do with imposition, said the philosopher.
It is to knock down a man when he comes
into the settlement, and take his money from him. The
English have what they call a pol-tax, or a tax upon
scalps. It cannot but raise a good sum from the red people,
who take so many from the whites. In some governments
they tax boots. Would it not be better to lay
a tax upon legs, as being more easy to be collected, and
less liable to evasion? said an honest man. Of all taxes,
said one in answer; I think this would be the most easily
evaded; because a man could run away with his legs.

Robbing people that come into the settlement, will not
do, said one; at least for a permanent revenue; because
it will keep people from coming. I am against all constraint
upon ourselves, or any one else. I propose voluntary
and occasional contributions.

You propose a fiddle, said his opponent. Voluntary,
and occasional! Do you conceive a man could spare a
pound of flesh, or an ounce of blood, occasionally, for
any great length of time? He might bear the first slash
that he got; but he would wince at the second.

Loans, loans, said a financier; you have nothing more
to do than to borrow a million now and then, when you
are out of money.

Why, if robbing pedlars will not do, said the Visionary
Philosopher, I think loans must be the next resort.

A pretty noise we have made about a constitution, said
a smart looking man in a pair of leather breeches; if

there must be force constantly applied to the wheels; and
money expended to keep it going.

How can a machine go unless it be wrought, said a
man with a sloutched hat, without some to work it; and
how can it be wrought without hands? I mean persons
hired for the purpose; and if hired, they must be paid.

I do not know, unless you apply steam, said an ingenious
mechanic.

Would you make the government a steam boat? said
one in a bear-skin coat. But supposing it the case; you
must have coals to boil the water, and produce steam.

At this point of the game, a simpleton came forward,
and spoke as follows:—Gentlemen, said he, I am but a
fool fellow, a mere ass, a sheep, and what not; but I do
not see how we can borrow, unless we expect to pay;
and if what is borrowed is to be paid, why not pay in the
first instance?

That will not do, said an artful member; we will be
turned out, if we lay a tax; the people must be cheated
by our borrowing in the mean time, and leaving it to
those that come after us to lay a tax, and pay.

What use in having a general financier, said the multitude,
if he cannot make money out of chips and whetstones
If nothing more is to be done, than to count the
money, or cast up the tax when it is paid into him, any
cod-head may do that.

A financier may do a great deal more than that, said
an intelligent person. He may determine and report
upon what a tax may be best laid, and to what amount.
But if we hesitate to tax at all, I grant you, any body
may be a financier; for it is an easy matter to borrow,
if you can get any to be fools to lend without funds to sustain
it, and at least, pay the interest. But why borrow
when a man has money in his chest? I would call for
this; every man his proportion according to his property,
just as we subscribe to an undertaking; and the
only difference is, that, in this case, we subscribe what
we think we can afford; in that, we contribute what the
community shall think we ought to advance; the community,
through some organization of officers, and these
being the judges. “Put yourselves in an attitude and
armour for war.” What is this but to raise money, which
is the means of war? It did not mean to clothe yourselves
in sheet iron, or in bull's hides; but to go to the
bottom of the matter, and to lay a tax to support a

war. No difficulty in procuring soldiers for a campaign,
if you have money; no necessity to call upon
militia; you will have enough to offer their services.
It is money makes the mare go. Give me money, and
I will shew you men; and when I have the men to shew,
there will be no war.

Aye, said Teague O'Regan, give me de boys, and a
shilelah, and I will clear de fair. If you will give me
de money, I will get de whiskey; and if I have de whiskey,
I will have de boys, and let me see who will like to
come to blows wid Paddy.

This speech pleased the people much; and they insisted
upon the Governor to place Teague at the head
of the finances.

It is more than probable he might have been advanced
to the head of this department, the Governor yielding to
the solicitation of the people, had not the popular voice
propelled him in a different direction. For about this
time it was reported that he had taught a cat to speak.
It is true, that as he had seen done in Ireland, by taking
the lower jaw between his finger and thumb of the left
hand, and pinching her upper jaw with the finger and
thumb of the other hand, moving the lower jaw, in the
mean time, as she mewed, he would make her pronounce
something that resembled the saying Erin go bra, which
was Irish; and by another kind of movement, and breaking
of the voice, it would seem to be, bacon, fat bacon,
which was English. From this specimen, it was thought
that if put at the head of an academy to teach beasts to
articulate, he might succeed better than any had yet
done. He was called principal, and being made a Doctor
of laws, was put at the head of the institution. But
it took more time to teach the principal, I mean the bog-trotter,
to make him mark and write something like
L. L. D. at the end of his name, than it had done him to
teach the cat; and if you had not known that it was L. L.
D. that the letters ought to be, you would have been at
a loss to know what they were. It is necessary that a
man in a station which bespeaks learning, be a Doctor
of laws; but it does not always follow, that he be learned
in the laws; at least I have known some that are not
the most profound scholars, on whom this degree has
been conferred. To make the bog-trotter a Doctor of
laws was some advance; but, it would be more to confer
that degree on one of his pupils, a bear, or a young
elk; at least it would occasion more surprise.

The Visionary Philosopher had made out a system of
rules and regulations for the government of the academy;
in other words, the discipline of the institution;
such as conditions of admission, price of tuition, grade
of classes, freshman, sophomore, &c. books to be read,
hours of study, and vacation; meals, kind of food, with
matters that regarded decency of manners, such as that
squirrels should not crack nuts, or pigs eat apples in
the school rooms; nor racoons chew tobacco or smoke
segars. It was particularly inculcated on all, that they
should rise early, wash their snouts, comb their hair,
and pare their nails, as becomes a student.

All things were arranged for this menagerie; and a
proper number of the more tractable of animals got together
to begin with, such as young cubs, whelps, &c.
when it was put into the head of the Principal, by some
of the more high minded of his countrymen, that it was
a degradation to have it said, that an Irishman was teaching
beasts; to be called a horse professor, and the like.
Whether it was that the pride of the bog-trotter took
alarm at this, or that he saw the ridicule himself;
he threw up the trust, and would have no more to do
with it. The people were dissatisfied, and his popularity
fell as rapidly as it had risen.

Transit gloria mundi; There is nothing so fleeting as
sublunary joys; and of all these, popularity is the most
evanescent. It was but a short time ago, which was the
occasion of the bog-trotter teaching the cat, and having
succeeded, that he was caressed by the multitude, followed,
chaired, &c. but it so happened that the chairing
took place in a small cabin; and when he was raised
suddenly, those hoisting, not having due regard to the
height of the story, he struck his head against the ceiling,
or rather rafters; for there was no ceiling; at which
the Latin schoolmaster exclaimed,

But what gave him more consolation, was the having a
dinner given him, the Chief Justice presiding, and toasts
drank. For it is not in our time as it was at the Olympic
games, or a Roman triumph, or ovation, that an oak leaf,
or a sprig of laurel, or a bunch of ivy, a branch of
olive, or some other unsubstantial vegetable was the
gift. In modern and more improved times, we have solid
food of flesh, and sauces, to gratify the palate. Certain
it is, the bog-trotter had been feasted abundantly
during his popularity; but now on the ebb of this, he
had declined so far in reputation, that he could not have
been made a constable. So fortuitous, and unstable is
the popular voice. Whereas heretofore during the current
in his favour, things were imagined to his advantage
that he had never done, and words framed that he had
never spoken; so now the reverse took place; speeches
were framed it is true, but they were all to his disadvantage;
as for instance, that he had said the moon was
made of green cheese; that a snake was a vegetable;
that the only conversion with the fanatics was the turning
the heels where the head should be; that he had reflected
on the general government, saying that gun boats
were only fit to make Virginia hog-troughs; that an
embargo was like yoking pigs where there was no fence;
that borrowing money only became a young spendthrift,
who was afraid to apply to his father or his guardians;
that there were faults on both sides, weakness on the
part of the administration, and wickedness on the part
of the opposition. These allegations might be all true
enough; but he had not the sense to make them; but
being down, every thing must be heaped upon him. An
editor of a paper, who had boasted he could write down
any man in six weeks, opened his battery; charged him
with tumbling, and bog-trotting, and shaving himself
with a bad razor; some things frivolous, and some things
false; but it went to compose a paragraph. There was
no standing this. The bog-trotter was at a loss what to
do; whether to withdraw from society, and take a hut
to himself in some corner of the settlement; or to quit
the country and to live amongst the savages, and wild
beasts, when a mere accident gave him some countenance
in the community. It was reported that he had
found a stone; and doubtless he had, for it was an easy
matter to find a stone on a piece of ground which had
been once the bed of the river; and these stones also
round and lubricous; but it was suggested to be what
is called the philosopher's stone. This hint, some wag
had communicated to the Visionary Philosopher, who
went immediately in quest of Teague. The truth is, the
stone had something singular in its configuration, and was
perhaps a petrifaction. The Philosopher, though somewhat
irritated at the Irishman's desertion of the trust in
educating beasts, yet as it is natural with visionary men,
was struck with this new idea, as what might be turned
to account in making gold and silver in the present scarcity
of specie, the banks having refused to issue any for
their notes; and adopting a conciliatory address, he bespoke
the bog-trotter. Teague, said he, I am not come
to take you up, not being an officer of justice; nor having
any thing to do with the matter of your teaching
beasts; for it has occurred to myself, that if taught to
speak, and sent to congress, they might gabble like
magpies, and the remedy would be worse than the disease;
so that I came, not displeased with you, on account
of your relinquishing the tuition; more especially as
you have found out the means of replenishing the national
treasury, by this stone that has fallen in your way.
It is a desideratum in chemistry that has been long
sought after; and if Redheiffer had turned his attention
to that, instead of the perpetual motion, it would have
been better for the public. For though an editor made
a demonstration of it as plain as a problem in Euclid,
yet some still doubt the fact of a perpetual motion being
discovered, except in the tongue of a member of congress.

Have you made any silver out of this stone yet? I
should like to see a little of it.

I have made a pewter spoon, said the bog-trotter, and
dat is de next ting to silver, and a lead bullet, and a piece
of copper; but de spalpeens have robbed me o' dese, and
took dem out o' my pocket whilst I was aslape, and no
body de wiser for it; bad luck to dem, de shape-stalers,
and tiefs.

Come back with me to the settlement, said the Philosopher,
and I will make a man of you.

Dat I will, said the bog-trotter; and see de Governor,
and shew him de stone.

The stone was shewn to the Governor, who was glad
to see the bog-trotter again; but had no faith in the discovery.
He knew Teague to be such a liar, that he
could give no credit to what he averred. The stone,
said the Governor, is a very pretty stone, made by the
rolling and tumbling of the water, in one part, and breaking
off in another; or has been originally a piece of wood,
cut by a joiner, and is petrified; but I would just as
soon take a stick to make gold, as I would a stone. A
stick to hold in one's hand and compel a robbery, would

be as efficatious as a stone; and this is the only way that
I know of making money, suddenly, which cannot be
done, unless you have some one to rob that has money.

The Philosopher with Teague, appealed to the people,
and reported that the Governor was averse to the
having money made. The only remedy in this case was,
the threatening that they would turn him out and
put Teague in or the Visionary Philosopher for
Governor. With a view to this, and to refresh his popularity,
a dinner was once more given to the bog-trotter.
The toasts were, Down with paper money; gold and
silver the genuine circulating medium, &c. &c. &c.

When the bog-trotter retired, a volunteer was given:
“Our noble bog-trotter.”