A quarter race in Kentucky and other sketches, illustrative of scenes, characters, and incidents throughout "the universal Yankee nation." |
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"SOMEBODY IN MY BED!" |
 | A quarter race in Kentucky |  |
"SOMEBODY IN MY BED!"
BY W. J. JONES, ESQ., OF HARRISBURG, PA.
We are not quite sure we have given Mr. J's. address correctly,
but never mind, he may be a relative of that Hamilton C.
Jones, Esq., of North Carolina, whose story of "Cousin
Sally Dilliard" has for the twentieth time gone the rounds of
the press. At any rate he sent the sketch below to the
"Spirit of the Times" from Harrisburg, with a promise to become
an occasional contributor—a promise which he has
incontinently forgotten, to the great regret and mortification of
the editor thereof and some tens of thousands of its readers.
A week or two ago, during my peregrinations through
northern Pennsylvania, spreading knowledge among
the denizens thereof, (I sell books!) I "just dropt in"
at a comfortable-looking inn, where I concluded to remain
for a day or two. After a good substantial supper,
I lit a "York County Principe," (the like of which sell
in these regions at the rate of four for a penny,) and
seated myself in the ring formed around the bar-room
stove. There was the brawny butcher, the effeminate
tailor, a Yankee fidler, two horse dealers, a speculator, a
blackleg, the village Esculapius, and "the Captain,"
who, in consequence of being able to live on his means,
was a person of no small importance, and therefore
allowed to sit before the fire-stove with the poker to
stir the fire—a mark of respect granted only to persons
of standing.
Yarn after yarn had been spun and the hour for retiring
had arrived—the landlord was dosing behind his bar,—
and the spirit of the conversation was beginning to flag,
when the doctor whispered to me that if I would pay
attention, he would "top off" with a good one.
"I believe, captain," said the doctor, "I never told
you about my adventure with a woman at my boarding
house, when I was attending the lecture."
"No, let's have it," replied the individual addressed,
who was a short, flabby, fat man of about fifty, with a
highly nervous temperament, and a very red face.
"At the time I attended the lectures, I boarded at a
house in which there were no females, but the landlady
and an old coloured cook—"
(Here the doctor made a slight pause, and the captain,
by way of requesting him to go on, said "Well.")
"I often felt the want of female society to soften the
severe labours of deep study, and dispel the ennui to
which I was subject—"
"Well," said the captain.
"But as I feared that forming acquaintances among
the ladies might interfere with my studies, I avoided
them all—"
"Well."
"One evening after listening to a long lecture on
physical anatomy, and after dissecting a large negro,
fatigued in body and mind, I went to my lodgings—"
"Well," said the captain.
"I went into the hall, took a large lamp, and went
directly to my room, it being then after one o'clock—"
"Well!"
"I placed the light upon the table, and commenced
attention was attracted to a frock, and a quantity of
petticoats lying on a chair near the bed—"
"Well!" said the captain, who began to show signs
that he was getting deeply interested.
"And a pair of beautiful small shoes and stockings
on the floor. Of course I thought it strange, and was
about to retire—but then I thought as it was my room,
I had at least a right to know who was in my bed—"
"Exactly," nodded the captain, "well!"
"So I took the light, went softly to the bed, and
with a trembling hand drew aside the curtain. Heavens!
what a sight! A young girl—I should say an angel,
of about eighteen, was in there asleep—"
"Well!" said the captain, giving his chair a hitch.
"As I gazed upon her, I thought that I had never
witnessed any thing more beautiful. From underneath
a little night-cap, rivalling the snow in whiteness, fell
a stray ringlet over a neck and shoulders of alabaster—"
"Well!" said the excited captain, giving his chair
another hitch.
"Never did I look upon a bust more perfectly
formed. I took hold of the coverlid and softly pulled
it down—"
"Well!" said the captain, betraying the utmost
excitement.
"To her waist—"
"Well!!" said the captain, dropping the paper, and
renewing the position of his legs.
"She had on a night dress, buttoned up before, but
softly I opened the two first buttons—"
"Well!!!" said the captain, wrought to the highest
pitch of excitement.
"And then, ye gods! what a sight to gaze upon—
a Hebe—pshaw! words fail. Just then—"
"WELL!!!!" said the captain, hitching his chair
right and left, and squirting his tobacco juice against the
stove that it fairly fizzed again.
"I thought that I was taking a mean advantage of
her, so I covered her up, seized my coat and boots,
and went and slept in another room!"
"It's a lie!" shouted the excited captain, jumping
up and kicking over his chair. "It's a lie!"
| A quarter race in Kentucky | |