University of Virginia Library

McALPIN'S TRIP TO CHARLESTON.

In the county of Robison, in the state of North Carolina,
there lived in times past a man by the name of
Brooks, who kept a grocery for a number of years, and
so had acquired most of the land round him. This was
mostly pine barrens, of small value, but nevertheless
Brooks was looked up to as a great landholder and big
man in the neighbourhood. There was one tract, however,
belonging to one Colonel Lamar, who lived in Charleston,
that "jammed in upon him so strong," and being
withal better in quality than the average of his own
domain, that Brooks had long wished to add it to his
other broad acres. Accordingly he looked around him
and employed, as he expressed it, "the smartest man
in the neighbourhood," to wit, one Angus McAlpin, to
go to Charleston and negotiate with Colonel Lamar for
the purchase of this also. Being provided pretty well
with bread, meat, and a bottle of pale-face, which were
stowed away in a pair of leather saddle-bags, and, like
all other great Plenipotentiaries, being provided with
suitable instructions, Mac mounted a piney-wood-tacky

(named Rosum) and hied him off to Charleston. The
road was rather longer than Brooks had supposed, or
his agent was less expeditious, or some bad luck had
happened to him, or something was the matter that
Angus did not get back until long after the day had
transpired which was fixed on for his return. Brooks
in the mean time had got himself into a very fury of
impatience. He kept his eyes fixed on the Charleston
road—he was crusty towards his customers—harsh
towards his wife and children, and scarcely eat or slept
for several days and nights, for he had set his whole
soul upon buying the Lamar land. One day, however,
Angus was descried slowly and sadly wending his way
up the long stretch of sandy road that made up to the
grocery. Brooks went out to meet him, and, without
further ceremony, he accosted him.

"Well, Mac, have you got the land?"

The agent, in whose face was any thing but sunshine,
replied somewhat gruffly that "he might let a body get
down from his horse before he put at him with questions
of business."

But Brooks was in a fever of anxiety and repeated
the question—

"Did you get it?"

"Shaw, now, Brooks, don't press upon a body in this
uncivil way. It is a long story and I must have time."

Brooks still urged, and Mac still parried the question
till they got into the house.

"Now, surely," thought Brooks, "he will tell me."
But Mac was not quite ready.

"Brooks," says he, "have you any thing to drink?"

"To be sure I have," said the other, and immediately

had some of his best forth-coming. Having moistened
his clay, Mac took a seat and his employer another. Mac
gave a preliminary hem! He then turned suddenly
around to Brooks, looked him straight in the eyes, and
slapped him on the thigh—

"Brooks," says he, "was you ever in Charleston?"

"Why, you know I never was," replied the other.

"Well, then, Brooks," says the agent, "you ought
to go there. The greatest place upon the face of the
earth! They've got houses there on both sides of the
road for five miles at a stretch, and d—n the horse-track
the whole way through! Brooks, I think I
met five thousand people in a minute, and not a chap
would look at me. They have got houses there on
wheels. Brooks! I saw one with six horses hitched to
it, and a big driver with a long whip going it like a
whirlwind. I followed it down the road for a mile
and a half, and when it stopt I looked, and what do you
think there was? nothing in it but one little woman
sitting up in one corner. Well, Brooks, I turned back up
the road, and as I was riding along I sees a fancy looking
chap with long curly hair hanging down his back,
and his boots as shiney as the face of an up-country
nigger! I called him into the middle of the road and
asked him a civil question; and a civil question, you
know, Brooks, calls for a civil answer all over the
world. I says, says I, `Stranger, can you tell me
where Colonel Lamar lives?' and what do you think
was his answer—`Go to h—l, you fool!'

"Well, Brooks, I knocks along up and down and
about, until at last I finds out where Colonel Lamar
lived. I gets down and bangs away at the door.

Presently the door was opened by as pretty, fine-spoken,
well-dressed a woman as ever you seed in your born
days, Brooks. Silk! Silks thar every day, Brooks!
Says I, `Mrs. Lamar, I presume, madam,' says I. `I
am Mrs. Lamar, sir.' `Well, madam,' says I, `I have
come all the way from North Carolina to see Colonel
Lamar—to see about buying a tract of land from him
that's up in our parts?' `Then,' she says, `Colonel
Lamar has rode out in the country, but will be back
shortly. Come in, sir, and wait a while. I've no
doubt the colonel will soon return,' and she had a smile
upon that pretty face of her's that reminded a body of a
Spring morning. Well, Brooks, I hitched my horse to
a brass thing on the door, and walked in. Well, when
I got in I sees the floor all covered over with the nicest
looking thing! nicer than any patched-worked bed-quilt
you ever seed in your life, Brooks. I was trying to edge
along round it, but presently I sees a big nigger come
stepping right over it. Thinks I, if that nigger can go
it, I can go it, too! So right over it I goes and takes
my seat right before a picture, which at first I thought
was a little man looking in at the window. Well,
Brooks, there I sot waiting and waiting for Colonel
Lamar, and at last—he didn't come, but they began to
bring in dinner. Thinks I to myself, here's a scrape.
But I made up my mind to tell her, if she axed me to
eat—to tell her with a genteel bow that I had no occasion
to eat. But, Brooks, she didn't ax me to eat—she
axed me if I'd be so good as to carve that turkey for
her, and she did it with one of them lovely smiles that
makes the cold streaks run down the small of a feller's
back. `Certainly, madam,' says I, and I walks up to
the table—there was on one side of the turkey a great
big knife as big as a bowie knife, and a fork with a
trigger to it on the other side. Well, I falls to work,
and in the first e-fort I slashed the gravy about two yards
over the whitest table-cloth you ever seed in your life,
Brooks! Well! I felt the hot steam begin to gather
about my cheeks and eyes. But I'm not a man to back
out for trifles, so I makes another e-fort, and the darned
thing took a flight and lit right in Mrs. Lamar's lap!
Well, you see, Brooks, then I was taken with a blindness,
and the next thing I remember I was upon the
hath a-kicking. Well, by this time I began to think of
navigating. So I goes out and mounts Rosum, and
cuts for North Carolina! Now, Brooks, you don't
blame me! Do you?"