University of Virginia Library

SCENE II.

Enter SIMO, from the house. THEUROPIDES and TRANIO. [apart.]
Simo.
Better I've not far'd this year—
Nor better relish'd a tid-bit at home—
My dame had cater'd well this dinner for me;
And now she bids me take a nap—Not I.—
At first I never dream'd, why she provided
Better than usual—The old soul, it seems
Wanted to draw me to the bed-chamber.
No—Sleep is never good just after dinner—
Fie on it, no—I've stol'n me out of doors.
I know my wife's ready to burst within.—

Tra.
[apart.]
The man will find worse catering at night,
Where he must bed and board, howe'er provided.—

Simo.
The more I turn it in my thoughts, I find,
The man who marries a well-portion'd dame,
Sleep ne'er solicits—He abhors such napping.
This I determine—I had better go
Hence to the Forum, than to nap within.
I know not, Sirs, how 'tis with you at home,
[to the spectators.
But this I know, I've plague enough with mine:
And now, she's like to mend from bad to worse.

Tra.
[apart.]
If your elopement turn out ill, old gentleman,
The Gods are not to blame, the fault's your own—
But 'tis high time I speak to him—Yes, he has it—
He's fairly caught—I've hit upon a trick
To lead him by the nose, and ease myself
Of this disease—But I must to him—Simo,
The favour of the Gods attend you!—

Simo.
Save you!

Tra.
How fare you?—

Simo.
Pretty well—What art about?

Tra.
Why, shaking hands here with the best of men.

Simo.
'Tis kindly done, when you speak well of me.

Tra.
No more than you deserve—

Simo.
That's true—and yet,
When I shake hands with you, by Hercules!
I swear, it is not with an honest servant—

Tra.
Simo, how so?—

Simo.
Why, what art doing now?
What girl was that you lately—

Tra.
What's all this?

Simo.
Nothing uncommon—

Tra.
Not uncommon?—Speak—

Simo.
What you're about, is no uncommon thing.
And, to say truth, it is but fitting, Tranio,
E'en as men are, so should you humour them—
And then, think—life is short—

Tra.
What!—Oh! at last
I've found you out—You are talking of our matters?

Simo.
Yes, 'tis but fit—Neat wines, good cheer, choice fish—
You enjoy life—

Tra.
Time was—but now
Things are fall'n off—

Simo.
How so?—

Tra.
We're all undone!—

Simo.
Why do you keep on this talking? Hitherto
All has gone well—

Tra.
It has been as you say,
I not deny—We've liv'd e'en as we wish'd—
But now, the gale has slackened on a sudden.

Simo.
How so? How could it happen so untowardly?
Has not your vessel long been safe in port?

Tra.
Ah me!—

Simo.
The matter?—

Tra.
Wretch! I am undone!

Simo.
How?—

Tra.
A huge ship has fallen foul upon us,
And broke our little frigate all to pieces—

Simo.
I had been glad, had matters gone on smoothly—
But say, the business—

Tra.
My old master's landed—

Simo.
A string stretch'd out for you! To prison first,
And then—the gallows—

Tra.
By these knees, I beg you
Not to betray us to my master—

Simo.
Fear not—

Tra.
My patron, thanks—

Simo.
I care not for such clients.

Tra.
Now to the business of my embassy—

Simo.
First answer me this question—Your old master,
Has he discover'd any thing?

Tra.
He?—nothing—

Simo.
Not chide his son?—

Tra.
Calm as fair weather, he
Has order'd me to beg it as a favour
You'd let him see your house—

Simo.
'Tis not on sale.

Tra.
I know it—But he's going to erect
A new apartment for the women here,
At his own house, bath, gallery and portico.—

Simo.
What! does he dream?

Tra.
I'll tell you then the matter.
He wants his son to marry soon; and so
To forward it, he builds this new apartment—
Some one has recommended yours, he says,
For architecture, and for workmanship;
And, if you've no objection, he would build
Upon your plan—

Simo.
A scurvy piece of work
To take a plan from!

Tra.
For he understands
'Tis a good summer situation, where
You th'whole day may pass i'th'open air,
And never see the sun—

Simo.
True, when 'tis cloudy—
But here, from morn to night, like any dun,
Close at my door he stands—Shade I have none,
But at the bottom of my well.

Tra.
What then?
From Sarsina! and yet not ought of Umbria?

Simo.
Don't be impertinent—'Tis as I say.

Tra.
Yet he'd fain see it—

Simo.
Let him, if he will.
And, if he likes, he's welcome to the plan.

Tra.
Shall I go call him hither?—

Simo.
Ay—go, call him.

Tra.
[apart.]
'Tis said that Alexander, and Agathocles,
Are two the greatest heroes—What reward
Shall the third have? I, Tranio, who alone.
Immortal deeds atchieve—Both these old fellows
Carry the pack-saddle—I have hit upon
This new device, that promises not ill.
Your muleteers keep mules to carry saddles;
Now I make use of men, and men of burthen;
All you lay on, they carry—Shall I then
Accost him?—Yes—I will—Hola! Theuropides!

Theu.
Who calls?—

Tra.
A servant, faithful to his master.
I've done the business, Sir, you sent me on.

Theu.
But why so long about it?—

Tra.
The old gentleman
Was not at leisure—so—I waited for him.

Theu.
You keep your old way, to be tardy ever.

Tra.
Think on the saying, master: 'tis not easy
To blow and swallow at the self-same time.
I can't be here and there at once.—

Theu.
What now?

Tra.
Why, come and see the house—Look over it
At pleasure, Sir—

Theu.
Come on then, shew the way.

Tra.
Do I delay?—

Theu.
I follow you—

Tra.
See, Sir,
Th'old gentleman waits for you at his door—
He's so concern'd that he has sold his house—

Theu.
Why so?—

Tra.
He begs me to persuade Philolaches
To let him off—

Theu.
I think of no such thing.
Each for himself.—If we had bought it dear,
We could not have return'd it on his hands.
The bargain good, why, quick, convey it home.—
This is no case of charity—

Tra.
By Hercules!
You lose your time in talking—Follow me—

Theu.
I'm rul'd by you—

Tra.
He's here. [to Simo.]
I've brought my master.

Simo.
I'm glad to see you safe return'd, Theuropides.

Theu.
Save you!—

Simo.
Your servant has been telling me
You wish'd to see my house—

Theu.
If 'tis convenient—

Simo.
Quite so—Walk in, and see it—

Tra.
But the women—

Simo.
[sneering.]
Ay, pray take heed—nor disoblige a woman.
Walk o'er the house, as if it was your own.

Theu.
As if—

Tra.
Take heed, nor twit him with the sale of it.
Now he's in such concern—Do you not see
How sad he looks?—

Theu.
I see it—

Tra.
Then take heed,
He thinks you too well pleas'd with your great bargain;
And o'er the loss with mockery to triumph—
No mention of the purchase—

Theu.
I conceive you,
You caution well—I find you are good-natur'd—
What now is to be done?

Simo.
What! but go in;
And see the house at leisure as you like—

Theu.
Kindly done of you—

Simo.
Troth, I mean it so.

Tra.
D'you see the vestibule before the house?—
The gallery too—of what a compass 'tis.

Theu.
Troth, and by Pollux' temple! truly handsome.

Tra.
The pillars, see how strong and large they're made,
With what a substance—

Theu.
I don't recollect
To have seen handsomer—

Simo.
They should be so,
For sure, I bought them dear, a long while since.

Tra.
He bought them dear! D'ye mind! You see, he scarce
Refrains from tears— [to Theuropides.]


Theu.
And bought them, at what price?

Simo.
Three minæ for the two, besides the carriage.

Theu.
I think worse of them than I did at first.

Tra.
Why so?—

Theu.
Because the worms, by Pollux' temple!
Have been at both their bottoms—

Tra.
I should think
The timber fell'd at an improper season,
And thence the damage—They'll do well enough
If painted: yet 'twas no barbarian artist
That did this work! See how the doors are jointed!

Theu.
I see—

Tra.
Observe how sound they sleep.—

Theu.
How! sleep!

Tra.
They wink, I mean—Well, are you satisfied?

Theu.
The more I look, the more I like—

Tra.
You see
Yon raven painted, baffling of two vulturs?—
There stands the raven pecking at them both—
First one, then t'other—This way look, towards me,
That you may see the raven—Don't you see him?

Theu.
I see no raven, I—

Tra.
Look towards yourselves:
Altho' you see no raven, you may chance
To spy the vulturs—

Theu.
To cut short the matter,
I see no painted bird at all—

Tra.
I drop it then.
Every old man has not his eye-sight clear.

Theu.
What I do see, pleases me much indeed.

Tra.
Best then go farther in—

Theu.
Troth! well advis'd.

Simo.
Here, boy—Go shew this gentleman the house,
And the apartments—I would do it myself,
But that I've business waits me at the Forum.

Boy.
Shall I conduct you, Sir?—

Theu.
No—no conductor.
I'd rather uninstructed lose my way,
Than bear a guide—

Boy.
Into the house, I mean.

Theu.
I can go there without a guide—

Boy.
Go then
Where'er you please—

Theu.
I go—

Tra.
Stay, first let's see
If there is not a dog—

Theu.
Ay, look—

Tra.
There is,

Theu.
Where is the dog?—

Tra.
Be gone—a mischief to you!
Go and be hang'd, you cur—What! not be gone?
'S't! get away—

Simo.
Come on—There is no danger.
He is as gentle as a drop of water—
You may come boldly on—I'll to the Forum.

Theu.
You have behav'd most kindly—A good voyage—
[Exit Simo.
Ho! Tranio, drive this dog here from the door,
[Exit Simo.
Tho' we've no need to fear—

Tra.
Look at him—See,
How quietly he lies—but don't pretend
To make a bustle, and seem cowardly—

Theu.
Well, as you will: but follow—

Tra.
Never fear.
Depend upon't, I shall not be far off—

[they enter the house.