University of Virginia Library

ACT IV.

SCENE I.

Enter PHANISCUS.
Slaves, who tho' not in fault, fear punishment,
Are useful servants—Such as nothing fear
When once they merit punishment, embrace
Most foolish counsels: take to their heels and fly:
But if once caught, heap up a hoard of punishment,
Which they ne'er could of their own property—
From little faults at first, scraping a treasure
For their own backs—My resolution is
To have the fear of punishment before me,
And keep my back as free from stripes as may be:
Back, be advis'd by me, keep on thy cloaths;
When the storm falls on others, thou'lt be dry.
As servants choose to have their master be,
Such is he. Good to the good, but to the bad
Cruel and harsh. Such are our rogues at home.
They're lavish of their backs, their only property.
Stripe-bearing villains! when they're call'd upon
To see their master home, then 'tis, I won't—
Plague me not—Oh! I know where you are going—
Somewhere you're longing to be gone, by Hercules!
Yes, mule, you will to pasturage abroad.
Taught to behave, from these I reap advantage.
So must be gone—Out of so many slaves,
I am the only one to meet my master.
When he hears this, they'll rue it in the morning,
When their backs bear the spoils of the bull's hide;
But I had rather theirs should have't than mine,
And see them hide-bound, than myself be rope-bound—

SCENE II.

Enter another Servant.
Serv.
[to Phan.]
Hold you—stop presently, and look behind you.

Phan.
Trouble me not—

Serv.
How scornful is the monkey?

Phan.
And if I am, I am so to myself,
And please myself—What business is't of yours?

Serv.
What, will you stop or no, you dirty parasite?

Phan.
Why parasite?

Serv.
Ask why? because a dinner
Will draw you any where—You bear it high
For you're our master's favourite.

Phan.
Ay, marry!
Your eyes ache at me, don't they?—

Serv.
And why so?

Phan.
The smoke is troublesome—

Ser.
Peace, peace, deceiver!
Coiner of nought but lead—

Phan.
All this won't make me
Return you back ill words—My master knows me.
Were you not drunk, you'd not abuse me thus.

Serv.
Why should I curry favour with a slave,
That shews me none?

Phan.
Go with me to my master—
You scoundrel, you—

Serv.
Nay, nay, Phaniscus, peace!
No more of this, I beg you—

Phan.
I have done:—
I'll knock. [knocks.]
Hola! none of you, to prevent
My breaking down the door? Who comes to open it?
No body stirs—'Tis like such rascal's manners.
But I'll be more upon my guard—Some one
May rush out of the house, and use me ill.
There's no such rioting among the guests
As was but now. I hear no musick-girl
Tuning her pipes—nor any soul besides—

Enter THEUROPIDES.
Theu.
[apart.]
Hey! what's the matter here? What want these men
Here at my house? what are they peeping after?
What would they have?—

Phan.
I'll knock again—Hola!
Open the door—What not yet open it?—Tranio—

Theu.
What mummery is this?

Phan.
What! not yet open't?
We're come to fetch our master Callidamates.

Theu.
What are you at, my lads, and why d'ye knock
The door down thus?—

Phan.
Our master's here a feasting.

Theu.
Feasting! Within?—Your master?—

Phan.
Yes, within.—

Theu.
You drive the jest too far, my lad.—

Pha.
We're come
To fetch him home—

Theu.
To fetch whom?

Phan.
Why, our master—
Prithee how often must I tell you so?

Theu.
You're a good lad—But, no body lives here—

Phan.
Don't a young gentleman, whose name's Philolaches,
Live in this house?—

Serv.
The old man's sure crack-brain'd—

Phan.
Father, you're mischievously out; unless
They mov'd this day, or yesterday, I'm sure
That here he lives—

Theu.
What, when no soul has been
Within the house these six months?

Serv.
Sure you dream.

Theu.
I?—

Serv.
You—

Theu.
Be not impertinent: I'd talk
With this young man here—

Phan.
So—no soul lives there?—

Theu.
No,—no body—

Phan.
Yet yesterday, the day
Before, four, five, six days ago, e'er since
His father went abroad, he has ne'er desisted
One three day's space, eating and drinking here—

Theu.
What say you?—

Phan.
Ne'er desisted three days space
To eat and drink here—to live quite like Greeks;
To bring in wenches, fidlers, musick-girls—

Theu.
And who has done all this?—

Phan.
Philolaches.—

Theu.
Who? What Philolaches?

Phan.
He, whom I take
To be the son of old Theuropides—

Theu.
Ah me! Undone, if what he says be true!
I must enquire farther—This Philolaches,
(Whoe'er he be) d'ye say, has made a trade
Here in this house, of drinking with your master?

Phan.
I tell you, here—

Theu.
Thou dost not seem a fool,
My lad; and yet thou art one—I suspect you've turn'd
Into some tipling house yourself, and drank
More than sufficient—

Phan.
What?—

Theu.
A caution only,
Lest you too rashly enter others houses.

Phan.
I know where I'm to go, and whence I came,
Philolaches lives here, son of Theuropides:
Who, when his father went abroad to trade,
Made free a musick-girl—

Theu.
Philolaches!

Phan.
Ay—and her name was Philematium.

Theu.
And how much cost she?

Serv.
Thirty talents—

Phan.
No—
But minæ, by Apollo!—

Theu.
Did Philolaches,
Say you, give thirty minæ for a mistress?

Phan.
Ay, so I say—

Theu.
And gave her strait her freedom?

Phan.
That too.—

Theu.
And that e'er since his father went,
He has been in daily riots with your master?

Phan.
Yes.—

Theu.
And has bought that house?

Pha.
I say not that.

Theu.
And given earnest for it forty minæ?

Phan.
Nor say I that—

Theu.
Ah! friend, you have undone me!

Pha.
It is no more than he has done his father.

Theu.
You say the truth—Would it were all a lie tho'!

[aside.
Phan.
His father's friend as it should seem—

-Theu.
Alas!
You shew how great the misery of that father—

[apart.
Pha.
This is a flea-bite—Thirty minæ—Nothing
To all his feastings—He has undone his father.
One single slave of his, that Tranio there,
Most execrable villain! he alone
Would the revenue wast of Hercules.
I'm griev'd, by Pollux' temple, for his father:
When he knows all, 'twill burn him like a coal.

Theu.
Yes, if 'twere true—

Phan.
What should I get by lying?
Hola!—within there—some one ope' the door!

Theu.
Why knock you there, when no body's within?

Phan.
Perhaps they're gone to revel somewhere else.
Let us be gone—

Theu.
What! are you marching off?
Your freedom is the best cloak to your back.

Phan.
I want no cloak, nor covering to my back,
But my respect, and duty to my master—

[Exeunt Phan. and Servant.
Theu.
Undone, by Hercules! No need of talking.
By what I hear, I've voyag'd it, not to Egypt,
But to some desart; the world's end, indeed!
And now I know not where I am—but shall
E'er long; for see the very man, my son
Purchas'd the house of—So, what news with you?—

SCENE III.

Enter SIMO.
Simo.
I am returning from the Forum home.

Theu.
And no news there to-day?

Simo.
O, yes—great news.

Theu.
Ay—What?—What?—

Simo.
Why, I saw them carrying out
A dead man to be buried—

Theu.
News indeed!

Simo.
What's more, they said he was alive just now.

Theu.
You're crazy!

Simo.
None but the idle ask for news.

Theu.
I do, because I'm just come from abroad.

Simo.
I am engag'd, so cannot ask you home
To sup—

Theu.
No need.

Simo.
But if not ask'd elsewhere,
I'll sup with you to-morrow—

Theu.
Nor needs that.
At present, if no better you're engag'd,
Attend to me—

Simo.
With all my heart—

Theu.
I know
You've had these forty minæ of Philolaches—

Simo.
I?—Not one single drachma, to my knowledge.

Theu.
Not from my servant Tranio?

Simo.
Much less him.

Theu.
That which he gave for earnest—

Simo.
Sure you dream.

Theu.
I?—Rather you, who would by this pretence
Make void the bargain—

Simo.
Bargain?—

Theu.
Ay—th'affair
My son transacted with you in my absence—

Simo.
He in your absence an affair with me!
What?—When?—

Theu.
I owe you eighty silver minæ.

Simo.
Not me, by Hercules!—But if so, why pay me.
Faith must be kept: never deny the fact—

Theu.
I don't deny it—and, in troth, I'll pay it.
You'll not deny the forty of it paid—

Simo.
Look in my face, I beg you, and now answer—
Your servant said, you'd thoughts of marrying of
Your son; and so, intended building here—

Theu.
Here!—that I'd thoughts of building?—

Simo.
So he said.

Theu.
Ah me! I'm gone—I have not voice to cry.
Help, neighbours, help; I'm ruin'd; I'm undone—

Simo.
Tranio I warrant—

Theu.
Has confounded all.
Couzen'd us both, and shamefully, to-day—

Simo.
What say you?—

Theu.
Nay, 'tis just as I relate—
He has this day compleatly chous'd us both.
Now do your best to assist me—Help, I beg you—

Simo.
What would you have?—

Theu.
Go with me, I beseech you.

Simo.
Command me—

Theu.
Let me have your slaves t'assist,
And, with them, scourges—

Simo.
Take 'em—

Theu.
And I'll tell you,
At the same time, in what a shameful manner,
This rascal has impos'd upon us both.

[Exeunt.