University of Virginia Library

ACT III.

SCENE I.

Enter BANKER.
BANKER.
I never knew so sad a year, as this
Has been to me, for putting out of money—
From morn to night, I spend the day i'th'Forum,
And cannot find a man that's for my purpose.

Enter TRANIO.
Tra.
[apart.]
Nay then, 'tis plain I am undone for ever.
Yonder's the banker who advanc'd at interest
The money which our mistress cost.—All's out;
Unless I am before-hand, to prevent
Its coming to our old man's ears—
But why returns Theuropides so soon?
[seeing Theur. at a distance.
Somewhat I doubt, he has heard of this affair.
I'll meet, and speak to him—I'm in such a fright!
Nothing so wretched as a guilty conscience;
And such plagues me—Well—come what will, I must
Perplex all more—Th'affair requires it.
Enter THEUROPIDES.
Whence now?

[to Theur.
Theu.
I met the man I bought the house of.

Tra.
And did you mention to him what I told you?

Theu.
I told him all—

Tra.
Undone!—And does he own
The murder of his guest?—

Theu.
Stifly denies it.

Tra.
Denies it? Then by Hercules! I beg you
Agree to appoint a judge in the affair:
But look 'tis one may credit all I say;
And then you'll gain the day as easily
As a fox eats a pear—I fear my schemes
Will come to nought. [apart]


Theu.
What is it you are muttering?

Tra.
Nothing—But have you really told him—

Theu.
All.

Tra.
He owns it then—

Theu.
Persists in the denial.—

Tra.
Denial?—

Theu.
Ay—denies the whole, I tell you.

Tra.
I die to think on't—So—he does not own it?

Theu.
If he had own'd it, I had told you so—
And what's your judgement now? What's to be done?

Tra.
My judgement! why, I told it you but now
Agree to appoint a judge in th'affair;
But look 'tis one may credit all I say;
And then you'll gain the day as easily
As a fox eats a pear—

Ban.
But see—here's Tranio—
Philolaches's servant: he who pays
Nor principal nor interest—

Theu.
[to Tra.]
Whither go you?

Tra.
No where at all— [apart.]
Was ever such a wretch!
A rascal, born with all the Gods my foes.
Ay, he'll accost me while the old man's by!
Yes, yes, I am a miserable dog!
This side and that, they'll find me work enough—
But I must greet—

Ban.
He's coming—Safe's the word.
Some hopes now of my money.—

Tra.
[apart.]
The man grins!
But 'tis to little purpose—Misargyrides,
Good day!—

Ban.
The same to you—Ought of my money?

Tra.
Away, you brute—The moment that we meet,
To stop my mouth!—

Ban.
I see he's empty-handed.

Tra.
The man's a conjurer—that I plainly see.

Ban.
Truce with your fooleries—

Tra.
Tell me what you'd have?

Ban.
Where is Philolaches?

Tra.
You could ne'er have met me
More opportunely—

Ban.
Why?

Tra.
Come this way—Hither—

Ban.
And shall my money then be paid?

Tra.
I know
Your voice is good—Cry not so loud—

Ban.
By Hercules!
I will cry out—and loud too—

Tra.
Humour me
I prithee—

Ban.
Humour you in what?

Tra.
Go home,
Pray now—

Ban.
Go home!—

Tra.
And come again at noon.

Ban.
And shall my interest be paid me then?

Tra.
It shall—Now go—

Ban.
Why should I come again,
And wast my time or pains? Suppose I stay
Here where I am till noon?—

Tra.
Nay, nay, go home.—
By Hercules! I tell you nought but truth—
Do but go home.—

Ban.
Pay me my interest then.
Why trifle with me thus?— [aloud.]


Tra.
Well done, by Hercules!
Do but go home—Mind what I say to you—

Ban.
By Hercules! I'll expose him—

Tra.
Well said! stoutly!
You'll get your money now, with all this bawling?

Ban.
I ask but for my own—Day after day,
After this fashion am I disappointed—
If I am troublesome, pay me my money,
And I am gone—This still shall be my answer—

Tra.
Here—take your principal—

Ban.
Ay—but my interest!
First I'd have that—

[aloud.
Tra.
Vilest of scoundrels, peace!—
What! com'st thou here to burst thee! Do thy worst—
He gives thee nothing; for he owes thee nothing.

Ban.
What! owes me nothing!—

Tra.
Nor will have wherewith
To pay you, if he did—Should you like this?—
May hap you chuse to ship him off an exile,
Made by your means; unable as he is
To pay you e'en your principal—

Ban.
No, Tranio,
I want not that—

Theu.
Ho! rascal, come to me.

[to Tranio.
Tra.
This instant, Sir—So, [to the Banker.]
don't be troublesome,
Here's nothing to be had—Do as you list—
Do you alone lend money here in Athens?

Ban.
Give me my interest—Pay me down my interest
Here on the nail—My interest—

Tra.
Here—there—interest!—
The dog can talk of nothing else but interest—
I think I never saw a brute more frightful.

Ban.
You fright not me with your hard words, by Pollux!
This cry of mine's a coal to them, that scorches
Tho' at a distance— [aside.]


Theu.
What is this interest
[to Tra.
The fellow asks for?

Tra.
[to the Banker.]
See, here's his father
But now come from abroad. He'll pay you principal
And interest too—Persist not then to make us
Your enemies thus—See if he'll put you off.—

Ban.
Whate'er he gives, I'll take—

Theu.
What's that you say?

Tra.
Your pleasure, Sir, with me?—

Theu.
Who is this man?
What does he want? What talks he of Philolaches,
My son? and how abuse you to your face?
What is this owing to him?

Tra.
I beseech you,
E'en cast a little money to the brute,
To stop his mouth—

Theu.
I?—

Tra.
Yes; and pelt him with it.

Ban.
Those would be golden blows, and borne with pleasure.

Theu.
What money's this?—

Tra.
A trifle, that Philolaches
Owes to this man—

Theu.
A trifle?—

Tra.
Yes—About
Some forty minæ—

Ban.
'Tis a trifling sum—
Think it not much—

Tra.
Hear you, how fit he is
To be a banker! They're a generation
Of knaves, by Hercules!

Theu.
I care not who,
Or whence he is—But tell me this—I'd know—
I hear he has given credit for some interest—

Tra.
True—Four-and-forty minæ are his debt.
Tell him, you'll pay it him, and send him packing—

Theu.
I tell him that I'll pay it!—

Tra.
Tell him—

Theu.
I?

Tra.
Yes, you yourself—But tell him—Promise him—
Tell him, I say—I bid you do it—

Theu.
Answer me.
What was this money for?—

Tra.
'Tis safe—

Theu.
If so,
Pay it yourselves—

Tra.
Your son has bought a house.

Theu.
A house?

Tra.
A house.—

Theu.
Well done—Father's own son.
Philolaches now turns himself to merchandize—
Say you, a house?—

Tra.
A house, I say—But know you
What sort of house?—

Theu.
How should I?—

Tra.
Fine!—

Theu.
What's that?

Tra.
Ask me not.—

Theu.
Why?

Tra.
Bright as a looking-glass—
Brightness itself—

Theu.
Well done! And what—what cost it?

Tra.
Great talents, just as many, Sir, as you
And I make, put together—These he gave,
These minæ, Sir, as earnest, which he borrow'd
Of this same person. [pointing to the banker.]
You conceive me now?
For once inform'd, your house was in the state
I told you, instantly he bought another.

Theu.
Well done, by Hercules!

Ban.
'Tis near noon—D'ye hear?

Tra.
Dismiss this filthy fellow, Sir, I beg you,
That he no more keep plaguing of us here.
His debt is only four-and-forty minæ,
Both principal and interest—

Ban.
Just that sum.
I ask no more.—

Tra.
I wish thou would'st, by Hercules!
Ask but a single sesterce more—

Theu.
Young man,
Transact the affair with me—

Ban.
Content.—You then
My debtor are—

Theu.
To-morrow, come, and ask it—

Ban.
I'm gone—I'm easy, so I'm paid to-morrow.
[Exit Banker.

Tra.
May all the Gods and Goddesses confound
The dog, for breaking all my measures thus!
I swear, there's no worse race of men this day,
Nor greater rascals, than your bankers are.

Theu.
Say, in what quarter of the town's this house
My son has bought?—

Tra.
Look there again! Undone!
[apart.

Theu.
Answer you not my question?—

Tra.
Yes—But now,
I'm thinking what should be the owner's name.

Theu.
Well—recollect then—

Tra.
What is now to do?
[apart.
Suppose I throw the lie on our next neighbour;
And say, 'tis his house that his son has bought.—
By Hercules! I've often heard it said,
Your piping-hot lie, is the best of lies.
What the Gods dictate, out with it—'tis right.

Theu.
Well, have you recollected?—

Tra.
May the Gods
Confound this scoundrel! [meaning the Banker.]
He has put the name
Out of my head—or rather, [apart, meaning Theu.]
this—The house
Your son has bought, is that of your next neighbour.—

Theu.
Really—

Tra.
Yes, really, if you'll pay the money:
If not, not really—

Theu.
The house he has bought
Is not well situated—

Tra.
Sure, very well—

Theu.
Now, by my troth, I wish to see this house.
Knock at the door—Call some one out to you—

Tra.
[apart.]
Why now, I'm struck all on a heap again.
The waves still drive me on the self-same rock.
What's to be done? By Hercules! no fetch!—
I'm caught that's plain—

Theu.
Call some one from within
To shew us round the house—

Tra.
Hola, there! Ho! [calling aloud.]

But there are women—Best it were to know
If they will let us see the house or not.

Theu.
You say but what is right—Enquire and ask,
And I'll wait here without till your return.

[retires.
Tra.
[apart.]
May all the Gods and Goddesses confound you
For thus opposing of my schemes, old gentleman!
See, in good time, the master of the house,
Simo, is coming out—I'll here retire,
While I convene the senate of my mind.
When a decree is pass'd, how to proceed,
I'll join him.—

[retires.

SCENE II.

Enter SIMO, from the house. THEUROPIDES and TRANIO. [apart.]
Simo.
Better I've not far'd this year—
Nor better relish'd a tid-bit at home—
My dame had cater'd well this dinner for me;
And now she bids me take a nap—Not I.—
At first I never dream'd, why she provided
Better than usual—The old soul, it seems
Wanted to draw me to the bed-chamber.
No—Sleep is never good just after dinner—
Fie on it, no—I've stol'n me out of doors.
I know my wife's ready to burst within.—

Tra.
[apart.]
The man will find worse catering at night,
Where he must bed and board, howe'er provided.—

Simo.
The more I turn it in my thoughts, I find,
The man who marries a well-portion'd dame,
Sleep ne'er solicits—He abhors such napping.
This I determine—I had better go
Hence to the Forum, than to nap within.
I know not, Sirs, how 'tis with you at home,
[to the spectators.
But this I know, I've plague enough with mine:
And now, she's like to mend from bad to worse.

Tra.
[apart.]
If your elopement turn out ill, old gentleman,
The Gods are not to blame, the fault's your own—
But 'tis high time I speak to him—Yes, he has it—
He's fairly caught—I've hit upon a trick
To lead him by the nose, and ease myself
Of this disease—But I must to him—Simo,
The favour of the Gods attend you!—

Simo.
Save you!

Tra.
How fare you?—

Simo.
Pretty well—What art about?

Tra.
Why, shaking hands here with the best of men.

Simo.
'Tis kindly done, when you speak well of me.

Tra.
No more than you deserve—

Simo.
That's true—and yet,
When I shake hands with you, by Hercules!
I swear, it is not with an honest servant—

Tra.
Simo, how so?—

Simo.
Why, what art doing now?
What girl was that you lately—

Tra.
What's all this?

Simo.
Nothing uncommon—

Tra.
Not uncommon?—Speak—

Simo.
What you're about, is no uncommon thing.
And, to say truth, it is but fitting, Tranio,
E'en as men are, so should you humour them—
And then, think—life is short—

Tra.
What!—Oh! at last
I've found you out—You are talking of our matters?

Simo.
Yes, 'tis but fit—Neat wines, good cheer, choice fish—
You enjoy life—

Tra.
Time was—but now
Things are fall'n off—

Simo.
How so?—

Tra.
We're all undone!—

Simo.
Why do you keep on this talking? Hitherto
All has gone well—

Tra.
It has been as you say,
I not deny—We've liv'd e'en as we wish'd—
But now, the gale has slackened on a sudden.

Simo.
How so? How could it happen so untowardly?
Has not your vessel long been safe in port?

Tra.
Ah me!—

Simo.
The matter?—

Tra.
Wretch! I am undone!

Simo.
How?—

Tra.
A huge ship has fallen foul upon us,
And broke our little frigate all to pieces—

Simo.
I had been glad, had matters gone on smoothly—
But say, the business—

Tra.
My old master's landed—

Simo.
A string stretch'd out for you! To prison first,
And then—the gallows—

Tra.
By these knees, I beg you
Not to betray us to my master—

Simo.
Fear not—

Tra.
My patron, thanks—

Simo.
I care not for such clients.

Tra.
Now to the business of my embassy—

Simo.
First answer me this question—Your old master,
Has he discover'd any thing?

Tra.
He?—nothing—

Simo.
Not chide his son?—

Tra.
Calm as fair weather, he
Has order'd me to beg it as a favour
You'd let him see your house—

Simo.
'Tis not on sale.

Tra.
I know it—But he's going to erect
A new apartment for the women here,
At his own house, bath, gallery and portico.—

Simo.
What! does he dream?

Tra.
I'll tell you then the matter.
He wants his son to marry soon; and so
To forward it, he builds this new apartment—
Some one has recommended yours, he says,
For architecture, and for workmanship;
And, if you've no objection, he would build
Upon your plan—

Simo.
A scurvy piece of work
To take a plan from!

Tra.
For he understands
'Tis a good summer situation, where
You th'whole day may pass i'th'open air,
And never see the sun—

Simo.
True, when 'tis cloudy—
But here, from morn to night, like any dun,
Close at my door he stands—Shade I have none,
But at the bottom of my well.

Tra.
What then?
From Sarsina! and yet not ought of Umbria?

Simo.
Don't be impertinent—'Tis as I say.

Tra.
Yet he'd fain see it—

Simo.
Let him, if he will.
And, if he likes, he's welcome to the plan.

Tra.
Shall I go call him hither?—

Simo.
Ay—go, call him.

Tra.
[apart.]
'Tis said that Alexander, and Agathocles,
Are two the greatest heroes—What reward
Shall the third have? I, Tranio, who alone.
Immortal deeds atchieve—Both these old fellows
Carry the pack-saddle—I have hit upon
This new device, that promises not ill.
Your muleteers keep mules to carry saddles;
Now I make use of men, and men of burthen;
All you lay on, they carry—Shall I then
Accost him?—Yes—I will—Hola! Theuropides!

Theu.
Who calls?—

Tra.
A servant, faithful to his master.
I've done the business, Sir, you sent me on.

Theu.
But why so long about it?—

Tra.
The old gentleman
Was not at leisure—so—I waited for him.

Theu.
You keep your old way, to be tardy ever.

Tra.
Think on the saying, master: 'tis not easy
To blow and swallow at the self-same time.
I can't be here and there at once.—

Theu.
What now?

Tra.
Why, come and see the house—Look over it
At pleasure, Sir—

Theu.
Come on then, shew the way.

Tra.
Do I delay?—

Theu.
I follow you—

Tra.
See, Sir,
Th'old gentleman waits for you at his door—
He's so concern'd that he has sold his house—

Theu.
Why so?—

Tra.
He begs me to persuade Philolaches
To let him off—

Theu.
I think of no such thing.
Each for himself.—If we had bought it dear,
We could not have return'd it on his hands.
The bargain good, why, quick, convey it home.—
This is no case of charity—

Tra.
By Hercules!
You lose your time in talking—Follow me—

Theu.
I'm rul'd by you—

Tra.
He's here. [to Simo.]
I've brought my master.

Simo.
I'm glad to see you safe return'd, Theuropides.

Theu.
Save you!—

Simo.
Your servant has been telling me
You wish'd to see my house—

Theu.
If 'tis convenient—

Simo.
Quite so—Walk in, and see it—

Tra.
But the women—

Simo.
[sneering.]
Ay, pray take heed—nor disoblige a woman.
Walk o'er the house, as if it was your own.

Theu.
As if—

Tra.
Take heed, nor twit him with the sale of it.
Now he's in such concern—Do you not see
How sad he looks?—

Theu.
I see it—

Tra.
Then take heed,
He thinks you too well pleas'd with your great bargain;
And o'er the loss with mockery to triumph—
No mention of the purchase—

Theu.
I conceive you,
You caution well—I find you are good-natur'd—
What now is to be done?

Simo.
What! but go in;
And see the house at leisure as you like—

Theu.
Kindly done of you—

Simo.
Troth, I mean it so.

Tra.
D'you see the vestibule before the house?—
The gallery too—of what a compass 'tis.

Theu.
Troth, and by Pollux' temple! truly handsome.

Tra.
The pillars, see how strong and large they're made,
With what a substance—

Theu.
I don't recollect
To have seen handsomer—

Simo.
They should be so,
For sure, I bought them dear, a long while since.

Tra.
He bought them dear! D'ye mind! You see, he scarce
Refrains from tears— [to Theuropides.]


Theu.
And bought them, at what price?

Simo.
Three minæ for the two, besides the carriage.

Theu.
I think worse of them than I did at first.

Tra.
Why so?—

Theu.
Because the worms, by Pollux' temple!
Have been at both their bottoms—

Tra.
I should think
The timber fell'd at an improper season,
And thence the damage—They'll do well enough
If painted: yet 'twas no barbarian artist
That did this work! See how the doors are jointed!

Theu.
I see—

Tra.
Observe how sound they sleep.—

Theu.
How! sleep!

Tra.
They wink, I mean—Well, are you satisfied?

Theu.
The more I look, the more I like—

Tra.
You see
Yon raven painted, baffling of two vulturs?—
There stands the raven pecking at them both—
First one, then t'other—This way look, towards me,
That you may see the raven—Don't you see him?

Theu.
I see no raven, I—

Tra.
Look towards yourselves:
Altho' you see no raven, you may chance
To spy the vulturs—

Theu.
To cut short the matter,
I see no painted bird at all—

Tra.
I drop it then.
Every old man has not his eye-sight clear.

Theu.
What I do see, pleases me much indeed.

Tra.
Best then go farther in—

Theu.
Troth! well advis'd.

Simo.
Here, boy—Go shew this gentleman the house,
And the apartments—I would do it myself,
But that I've business waits me at the Forum.

Boy.
Shall I conduct you, Sir?—

Theu.
No—no conductor.
I'd rather uninstructed lose my way,
Than bear a guide—

Boy.
Into the house, I mean.

Theu.
I can go there without a guide—

Boy.
Go then
Where'er you please—

Theu.
I go—

Tra.
Stay, first let's see
If there is not a dog—

Theu.
Ay, look—

Tra.
There is,

Theu.
Where is the dog?—

Tra.
Be gone—a mischief to you!
Go and be hang'd, you cur—What! not be gone?
'S't! get away—

Simo.
Come on—There is no danger.
He is as gentle as a drop of water—
You may come boldly on—I'll to the Forum.

Theu.
You have behav'd most kindly—A good voyage—
[Exit Simo.
Ho! Tranio, drive this dog here from the door,
[Exit Simo.
Tho' we've no need to fear—

Tra.
Look at him—See,
How quietly he lies—but don't pretend
To make a bustle, and seem cowardly—

Theu.
Well, as you will: but follow—

Tra.
Never fear.
Depend upon't, I shall not be far off—

[they enter the house.

SCENE III.

TRANIO, THEUROPIDES, [in the inside of the house.]
Tra.
What think you of the bargain now?—

Theu.
Quite pleas'd—

Tra.
Do you think it dear?—

Theu.
I think, I never saw
A house so thrown away—

Tra.
You're pleas'd with it?

Theu.
Pleas'd, say you? Ay, by Hercules! much pleas'd—

Tra.
What women's rooms are here! and what a portico!

Theu.
Exceeding good—I do not think there's larger
Among the publick buildings—

Tra.
I, and Philolaches
Overlook'd all the portico's.

Theu.
And, well!—

Tra.
This is the largest.

Theu.
Gods! a pretty bargain!
If any one would offer six great talents,
And ready money too, I would not take them.

Tra.
And if you would, I would not give you leave.

Theu.
'Tis money well laid out on this same purchase.

Tra.
Then boldly say, that I was the adviser:
Say, Tranio press'd it—Say, he urg'd it on,
To take up money of the banker; and
To advance this earnest—

Theu.
You have sav'd the ship.
The debt, you say, is eighty minæ—

Tra.
Just.

Theu.
Then let him have't to-day—

Tra.
That's right—for then
There can be no dispute—Give me the money,
And I will give it him—

Theu.
But if I trust
You with it, take good heed—No quirk, no cavil—

Tra.
And do you think, I'd dare to play on you
By word or deed?—

Theu.
And do you think I dare
Be off my guard, if I should trust you thus?

Tra.
Me, that has ne'er deceiv'd you, since you had me!

Theu.
Thanks to my caution tho'—So much I owe
To my own judgement—If I can but now
Look after you, I shall be wise enough—

Tra.
I am of your opinion there—

[apart.
Theu.
Away.
Go now into the country—Tell my son,
That I'm come home—

Tra.
I'll do as you would have me.

Theu.
Hast then, and bring him up to town with you.

Tra.
It shall be done— [Exit Theu.]
Now, to my merry lads
By this back-door, with my good news; that all
Is snug; and our old gentleman gone off.—