University of Virginia Library

SCENE I.

Enter BANKER.
BANKER.
I never knew so sad a year, as this
Has been to me, for putting out of money—
From morn to night, I spend the day i'th'Forum,
And cannot find a man that's for my purpose.

Enter TRANIO.
Tra.
[apart.]
Nay then, 'tis plain I am undone for ever.
Yonder's the banker who advanc'd at interest
The money which our mistress cost.—All's out;
Unless I am before-hand, to prevent
Its coming to our old man's ears—
But why returns Theuropides so soon?
[seeing Theur. at a distance.
Somewhat I doubt, he has heard of this affair.
I'll meet, and speak to him—I'm in such a fright!
Nothing so wretched as a guilty conscience;
And such plagues me—Well—come what will, I must
Perplex all more—Th'affair requires it.
Enter THEUROPIDES.
Whence now?

[to Theur.
Theu.
I met the man I bought the house of.

Tra.
And did you mention to him what I told you?

Theu.
I told him all—

Tra.
Undone!—And does he own
The murder of his guest?—

Theu.
Stifly denies it.

Tra.
Denies it? Then by Hercules! I beg you
Agree to appoint a judge in the affair:
But look 'tis one may credit all I say;
And then you'll gain the day as easily
As a fox eats a pear—I fear my schemes
Will come to nought. [apart]


Theu.
What is it you are muttering?

Tra.
Nothing—But have you really told him—

Theu.
All.

Tra.
He owns it then—

Theu.
Persists in the denial.—

Tra.
Denial?—

Theu.
Ay—denies the whole, I tell you.

Tra.
I die to think on't—So—he does not own it?

Theu.
If he had own'd it, I had told you so—
And what's your judgement now? What's to be done?

Tra.
My judgement! why, I told it you but now
Agree to appoint a judge in th'affair;
But look 'tis one may credit all I say;
And then you'll gain the day as easily
As a fox eats a pear—

Ban.
But see—here's Tranio—
Philolaches's servant: he who pays
Nor principal nor interest—

Theu.
[to Tra.]
Whither go you?

Tra.
No where at all— [apart.]
Was ever such a wretch!
A rascal, born with all the Gods my foes.
Ay, he'll accost me while the old man's by!
Yes, yes, I am a miserable dog!
This side and that, they'll find me work enough—
But I must greet—

Ban.
He's coming—Safe's the word.
Some hopes now of my money.—

Tra.
[apart.]
The man grins!
But 'tis to little purpose—Misargyrides,
Good day!—

Ban.
The same to you—Ought of my money?

Tra.
Away, you brute—The moment that we meet,
To stop my mouth!—

Ban.
I see he's empty-handed.

Tra.
The man's a conjurer—that I plainly see.

Ban.
Truce with your fooleries—

Tra.
Tell me what you'd have?

Ban.
Where is Philolaches?

Tra.
You could ne'er have met me
More opportunely—

Ban.
Why?

Tra.
Come this way—Hither—

Ban.
And shall my money then be paid?

Tra.
I know
Your voice is good—Cry not so loud—

Ban.
By Hercules!
I will cry out—and loud too—

Tra.
Humour me
I prithee—

Ban.
Humour you in what?

Tra.
Go home,
Pray now—

Ban.
Go home!—

Tra.
And come again at noon.

Ban.
And shall my interest be paid me then?

Tra.
It shall—Now go—

Ban.
Why should I come again,
And wast my time or pains? Suppose I stay
Here where I am till noon?—

Tra.
Nay, nay, go home.—
By Hercules! I tell you nought but truth—
Do but go home.—

Ban.
Pay me my interest then.
Why trifle with me thus?— [aloud.]


Tra.
Well done, by Hercules!
Do but go home—Mind what I say to you—

Ban.
By Hercules! I'll expose him—

Tra.
Well said! stoutly!
You'll get your money now, with all this bawling?

Ban.
I ask but for my own—Day after day,
After this fashion am I disappointed—
If I am troublesome, pay me my money,
And I am gone—This still shall be my answer—

Tra.
Here—take your principal—

Ban.
Ay—but my interest!
First I'd have that—

[aloud.
Tra.
Vilest of scoundrels, peace!—
What! com'st thou here to burst thee! Do thy worst—
He gives thee nothing; for he owes thee nothing.

Ban.
What! owes me nothing!—

Tra.
Nor will have wherewith
To pay you, if he did—Should you like this?—
May hap you chuse to ship him off an exile,
Made by your means; unable as he is
To pay you e'en your principal—

Ban.
No, Tranio,
I want not that—

Theu.
Ho! rascal, come to me.

[to Tranio.
Tra.
This instant, Sir—So, [to the Banker.]
don't be troublesome,
Here's nothing to be had—Do as you list—
Do you alone lend money here in Athens?

Ban.
Give me my interest—Pay me down my interest
Here on the nail—My interest—

Tra.
Here—there—interest!—
The dog can talk of nothing else but interest—
I think I never saw a brute more frightful.

Ban.
You fright not me with your hard words, by Pollux!
This cry of mine's a coal to them, that scorches
Tho' at a distance— [aside.]


Theu.
What is this interest
[to Tra.
The fellow asks for?

Tra.
[to the Banker.]
See, here's his father
But now come from abroad. He'll pay you principal
And interest too—Persist not then to make us
Your enemies thus—See if he'll put you off.—

Ban.
Whate'er he gives, I'll take—

Theu.
What's that you say?

Tra.
Your pleasure, Sir, with me?—

Theu.
Who is this man?
What does he want? What talks he of Philolaches,
My son? and how abuse you to your face?
What is this owing to him?

Tra.
I beseech you,
E'en cast a little money to the brute,
To stop his mouth—

Theu.
I?—

Tra.
Yes; and pelt him with it.

Ban.
Those would be golden blows, and borne with pleasure.

Theu.
What money's this?—

Tra.
A trifle, that Philolaches
Owes to this man—

Theu.
A trifle?—

Tra.
Yes—About
Some forty minæ—

Ban.
'Tis a trifling sum—
Think it not much—

Tra.
Hear you, how fit he is
To be a banker! They're a generation
Of knaves, by Hercules!

Theu.
I care not who,
Or whence he is—But tell me this—I'd know—
I hear he has given credit for some interest—

Tra.
True—Four-and-forty minæ are his debt.
Tell him, you'll pay it him, and send him packing—

Theu.
I tell him that I'll pay it!—

Tra.
Tell him—

Theu.
I?

Tra.
Yes, you yourself—But tell him—Promise him—
Tell him, I say—I bid you do it—

Theu.
Answer me.
What was this money for?—

Tra.
'Tis safe—

Theu.
If so,
Pay it yourselves—

Tra.
Your son has bought a house.

Theu.
A house?

Tra.
A house.—

Theu.
Well done—Father's own son.
Philolaches now turns himself to merchandize—
Say you, a house?—

Tra.
A house, I say—But know you
What sort of house?—

Theu.
How should I?—

Tra.
Fine!—

Theu.
What's that?

Tra.
Ask me not.—

Theu.
Why?

Tra.
Bright as a looking-glass—
Brightness itself—

Theu.
Well done! And what—what cost it?

Tra.
Great talents, just as many, Sir, as you
And I make, put together—These he gave,
These minæ, Sir, as earnest, which he borrow'd
Of this same person. [pointing to the banker.]
You conceive me now?
For once inform'd, your house was in the state
I told you, instantly he bought another.

Theu.
Well done, by Hercules!

Ban.
'Tis near noon—D'ye hear?

Tra.
Dismiss this filthy fellow, Sir, I beg you,
That he no more keep plaguing of us here.
His debt is only four-and-forty minæ,
Both principal and interest—

Ban.
Just that sum.
I ask no more.—

Tra.
I wish thou would'st, by Hercules!
Ask but a single sesterce more—

Theu.
Young man,
Transact the affair with me—

Ban.
Content.—You then
My debtor are—

Theu.
To-morrow, come, and ask it—

Ban.
I'm gone—I'm easy, so I'm paid to-morrow.
[Exit Banker.

Tra.
May all the Gods and Goddesses confound
The dog, for breaking all my measures thus!
I swear, there's no worse race of men this day,
Nor greater rascals, than your bankers are.

Theu.
Say, in what quarter of the town's this house
My son has bought?—

Tra.
Look there again! Undone!
[apart.

Theu.
Answer you not my question?—

Tra.
Yes—But now,
I'm thinking what should be the owner's name.

Theu.
Well—recollect then—

Tra.
What is now to do?
[apart.
Suppose I throw the lie on our next neighbour;
And say, 'tis his house that his son has bought.—
By Hercules! I've often heard it said,
Your piping-hot lie, is the best of lies.
What the Gods dictate, out with it—'tis right.

Theu.
Well, have you recollected?—

Tra.
May the Gods
Confound this scoundrel! [meaning the Banker.]
He has put the name
Out of my head—or rather, [apart, meaning Theu.]
this—The house
Your son has bought, is that of your next neighbour.—

Theu.
Really—

Tra.
Yes, really, if you'll pay the money:
If not, not really—

Theu.
The house he has bought
Is not well situated—

Tra.
Sure, very well—

Theu.
Now, by my troth, I wish to see this house.
Knock at the door—Call some one out to you—

Tra.
[apart.]
Why now, I'm struck all on a heap again.
The waves still drive me on the self-same rock.
What's to be done? By Hercules! no fetch!—
I'm caught that's plain—

Theu.
Call some one from within
To shew us round the house—

Tra.
Hola, there! Ho! [calling aloud.]

But there are women—Best it were to know
If they will let us see the house or not.

Theu.
You say but what is right—Enquire and ask,
And I'll wait here without till your return.

[retires.
Tra.
[apart.]
May all the Gods and Goddesses confound you
For thus opposing of my schemes, old gentleman!
See, in good time, the master of the house,
Simo, is coming out—I'll here retire,
While I convene the senate of my mind.
When a decree is pass'd, how to proceed,
I'll join him.—

[retires.