University of Virginia Library

ASSISTS DRAFT RESISTERS.

I am in durance vile. Wunst more the tree uv liberty is uprooted
in my person—wunst more hev the unrightous tools uv the monster
Linkin seized my venerable form and incarceratid it in a basteel. So
menny times hev I bin imprisoned fer opinion's sake, that ef I kin
get a pardner with capital, I shel go into the marterin biznis. But 2
my narrashen. When the news reechd me uv the bold stand made by
the heroes uv Hoskinvill, in opposition to the draft, I determined to
throw myself “in2 the deadly and imminent breech,” ez W. Shakspeer
hez it. I made my way to Hoskinville, wuz reseeved with the
wildest enthoosiasm by the patriots ther assembled, and wuz to-wunst
placed in command uv the forces. It wuz a prowd day fer Nasby!
Before me stood, leaned and laid, (akordin ez they hed emptied their
canteens, wich wuz all filled with new fitin whisky,) two hundred uv
the brave sons uv Hoskinvill, from the rich, hory-headed farmer, (uv
whom I promptly borrerd 80 odd dollars,) to the gay and sportive
yooth uv 16, all consoomd with onquenchable arder. I drilled sech
uv them ez were suffishently sober to keep their feet, nigh onto two
days, amoozin ourselves into the intervals with passin resolooshens
denouncin Linkin, and pledgin ourselves to resist even un2 death.

At last our scouts brot us intelligence that two companies uv bloocoated
hirelins wuz within 9 miles uv us, approachin at the rate uv
wun and a half miles per hour. “Ha!” shoutid I, the foe! they
comest! Now men uv Hoskinville and visinnity, show yourselves

men!” Accordinly another meetin wuz immejitly organizd, Chair
man and Sekretary appointid, and a resolution passed, pledgin the
meetin to resist even un2 death, the proseedins to be published in all
the Dimekratic papers. We adjourned, and I wuz about drawin on
em up in line uv battle, and wuz instructin uv em to hold the muzzle
uv the gun from, instid uv toward theirselves when they fired, and
wuz explainin to others the necessity uv puttin the powder down the
barrel before the ball, and makin sech other arrangements ez a wise
and prudent commander determined to conker or die, would, when
suthin like a dozen uv em ejakilates:

“Gineral!”

Drawin myself up to my full hite I anserd, “Wat!”

“Gineral,” sez wun uv the oldest, “we are not advantajesly postid.
Wood it not be better on the hill,” sed he, pintin to a very high hill
jest east uv the town. I perseeved at a glance the strategik importance
uv the position, as the enemy wuz approachin from the west, and
I ordered the men to deploy by squadrons in open right file platoons,
and okepy the summit. Never wuz a order obeyed with greater alacrity.
I hev a reputashen fer speed—I kin rival the courser and outstrip
the jentle gazelle, but they shot past me like a arrow. Their
enthoosiasm carried em to the top uv the hill, and how much further
I hev no menes uv knowin, ez when I reached the top uv the hill not
wun uv the resisters wuz in site.

I wuz arrested that nite. In vain I protested that I wuz a Methodist
preacher sellin fruit trees—my nose wich blossoms ez the lobster
and a copy uv the Noo York Day Book I hed in my pocket wuz
ginst me, and I wuz to-wunst confined. My feelins is hurt.