University of Virginia Library

SCENE V.

Enter SIMO and CALLIPHO.
Call.
If a Dictator now were to be chosen
Out of the spendthrifts and gallants of Athens,
None of them would bid fairer than my son.
'Tis the town-talk, in ev'ry body's mouth,
He had set his mistress free—And for that purpose
He is hunting after money.—This I hear
From others—And indeed, for some time past,
I have thought on it, and suspected it myself.

Pseu.
[apart.]
So then, the affair's cut short—This business
Won't be done here—The way I find's block'd up
Where I propos'd to go a foraging
For money—Yes, he smoak'd me—On that coast
No pilfer for marauders—

Call.
Your reporters,
And listners after faults, by my good will,
Should both be hang'd; the former by the tongue,
The latter by the ears—What you have heard
Of your son's love, and chousing you of money,
May be a pack of lies—But were they true,
As the world goes, what has he done surprising?
'Tis nothing new, that a young man should love,
And make his mistress free.

Pseu.
[apart.]
Well said, old boy!

Sim.
Tho' old the custom, I'd not have him follow it.

Call.
What you'd not have, it is in vain to say.
I warrant, you ne'er did so in your youth:
That father must be good indeed, who'd wish
His son to be still better than himself.
The pranks you've play'd, distributed about,
Would serve the town—And is it then a wonder
Your son should then thus imitate his father—

Pseu.
[apart.]
O Jove! How few men are there thus commode!
Ay, ay! This is indeed to be a father.

Sim.
Who is't that speaks here!—'Tis my servant Pseudolus.
This rascal's the corrupter of my son,
His chief, his leader to the school of lust.
I'd put him to the torture.

Call.
Folly that,
To be so quick in anger!—Sure 'tis better
To address your son with calmness; and enquire
Whether these things you hear abroad are true.
O, a good temper's half in half in evils.

Sim.
I'll do as you would have me.

Pseu.
[apart.]
Pseudolus,
They're making up to thee—Now for a speech
Against the old man comes—I first must greet,
As it is right, my master, wish him happiness.
And, if I've any left, I'll give't my neighbours.

Simo.
[to Pseu.]
Good day to you—What are you upon?

Pseu.
My legs:
Just as you see—

Sim.
Observe his posture, Callipho.
As if he were a person of condition.

Call.
I see he stands upright with good assurance.

Pseu.
So should a servant who is innocent,
Stand up with confidence—And chiefly so
Before his master—

Call.
Pseudolus, we want
Strictly to question you about some matters
We've seen and heard as through a cloud, imperfectly—

Sim.
He has such command of words, you'd think 'tis Socrates,
Not Pseudolus, that holds you in discourse.

Pseu.
'Tis so—You long have held me in contempt
I know; and little confidence have had in me.
You'd make me out a villain; but shall find
I shall appear to you an honest man.

Sim.
See that there be free entrance, Pseudolus,
In at your ears; so that my words may pass
Whither I'd have them—

Pseu.
Come then, speak your mind;
Say what you will, yet am I angry with you.

Sim.
You who're a slave, angry with me your master?

Pseu.
Do you think that strange?

Sim.
I do, by Hercules!
Think strange, that I must guard against that anger
Which you avow—You mean to make me suffer
A different kind of sufferings from those
You've us'd to bear from me—

Call.
Whate'er you think,
He's right, in my opinion, to be angry,
For that you question his integrity—

Sim.
Well, let him be as angry as he will,
I'll be upon my guard, he shall not hurt me—
But tell me, what do you say?—What's this affair
On which I question you?—

Pseu.
If you would know
What's in my power to tell you, why then ask me,
Depending on an answer as authentick
As from the Delphick oracle?—

Sim.
Then mind me,
And take good heed you keep your promise—Well,
What say you?—Know you that my son's in love,
And with a musick-girl?—

Pseu.
[aside.]
I must deny it—

Sim.
Whom he would fain make free?—

Pseu.
This and that too,
I do deny—

Sim.
And that by fraud and cunning,
You're now contriving to get out of me
Some twenty minæ—

Pseu.
I, Sir! out of you!

Sim.
Ay, out of me: which you may give my son
To free his mistress—

Pseu.
This too, Sir, and that
I do confess—

Call.
Come, come, he owns the fact—

Sim.
Have I not said as much to you but now?

Call.
I recollect—

Sim.
Why, when you knew all this,
Was it conceal'd?—Why was I kept i'th'dark?

Pseu.
I'll tell you—'Twas because I did not care
To be the author of so bad a custom,
As for a servant to accuse his master,
And to his master—

Sim.
Would you not advise
To have this fellow drag'd by neck and heels
Strait to the work-house?

Call.
Has he done amiss?

Sim.
Amiss?—Yes much amiss—

Pseu.
Desist, I beg you— [to Call.

I understand my own affairs—The fault
Is mine—Attend then, and I'll tell you why
I kept the secret of your son's amour.
I knew that if I had inform'd you of it,
I had been sent that instant to the work-house.

Sim.
And knew you not the work-house was your doom,
If you did not discover it?

Pseu.
Why yes.

Sim.
Then why not tell it me?—

Pseu.
Because this was
A present evil; t'other, farther off:
This is the spot, and that a little distant.

Sim.
And what's now to be done?—You cannot trick
Me of the money who have smoak'd your plot.
And I'll take care to make the affair so publick,
No one shall trust you for the smallest sum.

Pseu.
I shall apply to none, while you're alive.
You will yourself lay down the money, Sir—
Of you I'll have it.

Sim.
Have of me the money?

Pseu.
Undoubtedly—

Sim.
Yes, you shall have an eye
Out of this head, if e'er I give it you.

Pseu.
You'll give it tho'—I tell you this, that you
May be upon your guard now—

Sim.
This I know
For certain, that if you get ought from me,
It will be great and wonderful, indeed—

Pseu.
I'll do it—

Sim.
If you don't—

Pseu.
Why then, the scourge.
And now, what if I do?—

Sim.
Jove be my witness!
You shall live ever free from punishment.

Pseu.
See you remember.—

Sim.
Shall I not take heed,
When I'm forewarn'd?—

Pseu.
Take heed, I say, take heed.
Still I forewarn you—With those very hands
You will pay me the money—

Call.
By Pollux' temple!
A clever fellow if he keeps his word!—

Pseu.
Make me your slave for ever if I don't.

Sim.
Kindly said that, when you are mine already!

Pseu.
Shall I then tell you both more wonders still?

Call.
Those I'd fain hear—I list with pleasure to you.

Sim.
Come on, I list with pleasure to you too.

Pseu.
Yet e'er I fight this fight, I'll fight another,
Which shall be still more famous and more memorable.

Sim.
What fight?—

Pseu.
A victory o'er this pandar here—
By fraud and artful tricks, this musick-girl
Your son so loves, I'll cheat this fellow of.

Sim.
Say you?—

Pseu.
This evening bring them both to bear.

Sim.
Then do but as you say, and king Agathocles
In valorous deeds is but a fool to you.
But, should you fail, can you shew any cause
I should not strait confine you to the work-house?

Pseu.
Not only for a day, but, troth, for ever.
But tell me, if I should effect my purpose,
With good will, will you then advance the money,
To pay to the procurer out of hand?

Call.
He asks but right—Say, Yes, I'll give it him—

Sim.
But know you, Sir, what's come into my mind.
Suppose they lay their heads together, Callipho,
And in compact, by some invented trick,
They should contrive to chouse me of my money.

Pseu.
'Twere impudence beyond compare, for me
To attempt so foul a deed—And, if in compact,
Any contrivance, Simo, we have form'd,
Or ever join'd in this affair together;
Write on my back with elm-twigs for your styles,
As thick as you would letters in a book.

Sim.
Proclaim the games as soon as e'er you please.

Pseu.
I beg you, Callipho, give me this day,
And don't engage yourself in other business.

Call.
I had determin'd yesterday, to go
This day into the country.

Pseu.
Change your scheme.

Call.
On this occasion then, I'll stay, that's certain,
I have a mind to see these games of yours.
And if I see my friend refuse his promise,
Rather than so, I will pay down the money—

Sim.
I shall not change my purpose.

Pseu.
If you do,
Both ears shall hear of it, by Pollux' temple!
Come on, remove you in doors for a while,
And leave me room in turn to play my tricks in.

Sim.
Then be it so—You e'en shall have your way.

Pseu.
But I must have you keep at home—

Sim.
This too
I'll do to humour you—

Call.
Well, I must hence
To th'Forum—I'll be back again immediately—

Sim.
Make hast then, and return—

[Exeunt Call. and Simo severally.
Pseu.
[to the spectators.]
I much suspect
That you suspect I mean but to amuse you,
With all my feats, while this my play is acting;
And never do what I have said I would.
I shall not change my purpose—'Tis full sure
It will be so; but by what means I know not—
Only, that so it will be—Who appears
First on the scene, in some new character,
Should shew some new invention—If he cannot,
Let him resign his place to one who can.
Permit me therefore to withdraw a while,
To bring my tricks together—In the mean time,
Our player on the flute shall entertain you.

[Exit.