University of Virginia Library

SCENE—A Sea View. Village at a Distance. Ship riding at Anchor.
Enter Sailors and Jack Rattling from a Boat.
AIR—Jack Rattling and Chorus.
Welcome, Old Albion, native shore!
Our storms and perils now are o'er;
Hail England and my Poll!
In vain the stormy winds may blow,
No longer's heard the Yeo, yeo, yeo!
Or the shrilly boatswain's call.
With our lasses now so blithe and gay,
We'll the hornpipe foot, while the fiddles play,
Piping tol de rol de rol de riddle lol.

[Exeunt Sailors.
Jack.
Messmates, farewell! I've gain'd the wish'd-for port,
Poll's cabin lays a-head, stretch canvas for't;
I've weather'd since we parted many a gale—
Avast! (Going off, stops short.)
what lubber's yonder under sail?
'Tis a queer fish!
Enter Ephraim Broadbrim.
Damme! built lugger fashion!
Old one, what cheer?

[Strikes him on the shoulder.
Eph.
Avaunt, abomination!
I cannot tarry; stop me not, I pray!

Jack.
Zounds! what's your haste?

Eph.
Umph! 'tis my wedding-day.
My spirit waxeth warm; I must be gone,
Mary, to make thee bone soon of my bone!

[In ejaculation.
Jack.
Damme, a rival!

Eph.
Yea, no friend I think thee.

Jack.
Come to close quarters, then, and, zounds, I'll sink ye!

[Puts himself in attitude.
Eph.
Away, profane one, at thy threats I scoff;
My spirit moves me, yea, it moves me off!

[Exit.
Jack.
That's right, young stiff-rump.—Damme! if you wed,
Cape Horn and Cuckold's Point a'n't far a-head.
I'll steer now to my Poll, love's sails are bent,
Old Care's capsiz'd, my cargo's now content.
SONG.

[Exit.
SCENE—An Outside View of an Apothecary's Shop, “Bolus, Apothecary,” written over the Door.
Enter Pestle from the Shop, with Basket and Bottles of Physic, &c.
Pes.
(Reading a label.)
“A healing draught!” Ha, ha! that's drolly said;
Heal folks! No, no, that woud'n't suit our trade.
Enter Ephraim Broadbrim.
Ah! Master Ephraim!

Eph.
Friend, I'm hither come
To learn if Bolus tarrieth at home.
Tell me, I pray thee, where I may behold him?

Pes.
With Missus; how you'd stare to hear her scold him!
You'll get your dose too—how her bells will chime!
Wo'n't you go in?

Eph.
Umph! Yea—another time.

[Going, returns, whispers Pestle, and gives him Money.
Pes.
Oh, yes, you'll in the shop lie snug and still
'Till he comes to you.

Eph.
Verily, I will.

[Exit into Shop.
Pes.
A queer curmudgeon! he'll nab Poll, I fear,
Thof I should have her—

Enter Rattling, slaps him on the Shoulder.
Jack.
Pestle, boy, what cheer?
Where's my smart pinnace?

Pes.
Lord! I shake all over!
She's for his shop, a damn'd tarpaulin lover!

[Aside.
Jack.
Is she within?

Pes.
Yes.—All my hopes are o'er!

[To himself.
Jack.
I'll to her.

[Going, is stopt by Pestle.
Pest.
(Goes to Door.)
Broadbrim, lock and bolt the door.

Jack.
Hail my sweet Polly with a seaman's song—
Find out her bearings—

Eph.
Friend, thou'lt find thour't wrong.

[As he is going towards the Door Ephraim pops out his Head, speaking the above, and then slaps the Door in his Face.
Jack.
Avast! the foe made master of the fort!
No matter, they'll soon find me hard a-port;
I'll scale the walls; damme! a lucky thought!
I'm off; like lightning up the shrouds I go—
Larboard and starboard—Zounds, stand clear below!

[Exit, driving rudely past Pestle.
Pes.
Umph! Well, I'll study physic for love's plaister,
Be soon as great a dab at it as master;
Try constitutions, blister, bleed, and pill,
And make a fortune by the folks I kill.
SONG.

[Exit.
SCENE—The Doctor's Study.—Table with Breakfast Utensils.—A large Medicine Chest on one Side the Stage.—Case Bottle with a Label, on which is written Brandy.
Enter Doctor and Mrs. Bolus wrangling.
Dr.
Was Galen e'er so physic'd by his rib!
Such a virago!

Mrs.
That's a monstrous fib!

Dr.
A damn'd corrosive!

Mrs.
Me! what's that you say?
I'm sweet as syrup.

Dr.
You will have your way.

Mrs.
You wrong me, noodle (boxes his ears)
. Now then to the point.
Hear me—

Dr.
I can't, my ears are out of joint!

Mrs.
For Polly I've a husband in my eye—

Dr.
Our Quaker landlord?—

Mrs.
No, my sailor boy.

Dr.
Pooh! a mere drug—while Ephraim the upright—

Mrs.
Yea—verily (mimicking)
I hate the ugly fright!
A Quaking—canting—umph—such formal stuff—
An English tar's my choice, and that's enough!

DUET.
Mrs.
Go, nostrum-monger! from me pack,
I'll never brock your ruling will.

Dr.
No nostrum, zounds! can stop that clack,
No quieting draught make that tongue stand still!

Mrs.
I surely acted most absurd,
When I to such a wretch was buckled.

Dr.
Zounds, speak another crooked word!—

M.rs.
Why, then, rams' horns! rams' horns! you cuckold!

[Exit.
Dr.
S'death! what a jade! e'en physic can't unhinge her,
She's all cayanne—damme! a jar of ginger.
Oh Esculapius! (kneeling)
patron of our trade,
Dear health-destroyer—I request thy aid—
The undertaker's purse my labour fills,
But, zounds! thou know'st my wife won't take my pills.
I have it (rises)
, a strong sleeping draught I'll make,
Which, in disguise of brandy, she shall take;
Oh! here one is!
[Goes to Medicine Chest, takes out Case Bottle, with this Label on it, “Sleeping Draught.”
This dose wou'd soon make e'en Zantippe civil,
Or set a-snoaring, zounds! the very devil!
“Best brandy,” (takes off the former Label, and places that from the Brandy Bottle on it.)

ha! ha! that will tempt, I'm sure—
So strong the dose 'twill either kill or cure.
Soon stop her clack—S'death 'tis my lucky minute,
If she don't swallow this the devil's in it.
'Twill do the deed, you'll soon be quiet, wife,
Sleep sound for hours—I would it were for life;
Then Ephraim marries Polly in a crack,
And ev'ry spouse will long to be a quack.

SONG.
(Vide Welch Quack p. 66.)
[Exit.
SCENE—An Apartment at the Doctor's, with a Window at the back.
Enter Polly.
Rattling arriv'd! Lord, how my heart keeps beating;
I'm tasty tho' to give my lad the meeting;
As smart and jontee, and my waist as small
As when I lead the dance at our town hall.
AIR.

Enter Mrs. Bolus.
Polly.
Oh! la! Mama—

Mrs.
Miss Pert don't be so bold.

Polly.
You're tasty too—who'd think you were so old?

Mrs.
Old! old! young hussey—didn't Dr. Blister
Take me, but t'other morning, for your sister?
The difference was so trifling in his mind.

Polly.
La! but, mama, you know the Doctor's blind.

Mrs.
Old, truly! I've scarce reach'd discretion's year.

Polly.
Nor ever will.

Enter Rattling.
Jack.
Avast! is the coast clear?

Polly.
Oh! lud!

Mrs.
Dear me! la! when will wonders cease?

Jack.
Don't wonder—Zooks! there's a salute apiece.

[Kisses 'em.
Mrs.
Wil't take refreshment?

Jack.
Ay, I'll wet my throttle.

Mrs.
Step, Miss, and fetch your father's brandy bottle.

[To Polly.
Polly.
Brandy, mama?

Mrs.
Yes, fly and fetch it, Miss.

Jack.
Stop, and for ballast take another kiss.

[Kisses again.
TRIO.
All.
Should old Care be so rude
On our joys to intrude
We'll receive him with glass, joke, or song,

Jack.
With a kiss,

Polly.
Or a smile,

Both.
His ill-nature beguile,

Mrs.
Or rattle him off with our tongue.

Jack.
I hold there's no bliss
Like a conjugal kiss,

Polly.
And a smile ne'er good-humour can lack;

Jack.
Then let's kiss,

Mrs.
And let's quaff,

All.
And all merrily laugh,

Mrs.
Or ring care a peal with our clack.
With our click, click, click, clack, &c.

Polly.
We'll laugh,
And we'll quaff,

All.
And ring care a peal with our clack.

[Exeunt.
SCENE—The Doctor's Study.
Enter Ephraim cautiously.
Eph.
My spirit moveth me to quickly marry,
And yea, too long, too long they make me tarry;
The maiden Mary stirreth up my heart;
She holds in bondage—yea—my better part!
SONG—Tune, “What can the matter be?”

[Going.
Eph.
The maiden cometh—Ephraim, what's thy plan?
Umph! how she stirreth up my inward man?
What's here? “Best Brandy!” Spirits have a charm!
Yea, I will taste thee (Drinks.)
, thou canst do no harm.
[Drinks again.
Enter Polly.
Ay, now I'll woo—Yea! what fal lals are these?
Thou must dress plainer maiden, if thou'dst please.
Y—a—h (Yawns.)
—verily I love thee—love thee much—

Polly.
Y—a—w (Mimicks.)
, yon make love, like Mynheer, in High Dutch!
A sleepy sweetheart!

Eph.
What—can—be—the—matter?

[Yawning.
Polly.
When next you mix your liquor use more water.
You're surely tipsy!

Eph.
Y—a—h—I can—not—speak—
My spirit's willing—but—the—flesh—is—weak!

Polly.
Such drowsy eye-lids, like an old owl moping.

Eph.
Yea—wou'd—I—had—two—props—to—keep—them—open—
But—while—I—can—maiden—I'll—at—thee—peep—
I'm—fetter'd—fast—by—love—I'm—fast—asleep!

[Drops into Chair, and falls fast asleep.
Polly.
Goles, here's a lover! 'tis a merry joke!
But, for the brandy bottle (Ephraim yawns, and throwing out his hand knocks it down and breaks it.)—

La! its broke!

Enter Mrs. Bolus.
Mrs.
You careless hussy!

Polly.
Mother, pray take care!
Asleep—

[Pointing to Ephraim.
Mrs.
Asleep! young Broadbrim? (Slaps his face.)

feggs, and so you are!
Enter Rattling.
Since caterwauling thus the rogue will roam,
Let's pack him up, direct, and send him home.
This medicine chest—help Jack—exact will suit—
Out with the poison, and put in the brute!
[They take out Medicines, place them near the Entrance on the Stage, and put Ephraim in their Room, sitting upright in the Chest.
Ay, snore away.

Jack.
Well stow'd, my lad, ne'er fear.

Mrs.
So public! (Snores aloud.)
hush! that for your private ear!

[Pinches his ear, he groans.
Doctor without.
Dr.
Here, Pestle! Pestle! where is Ephraim gone?

Jack.
Avast, the doctor!

[Claps the lid on his head, &c.
Mrs.
Stop, let me alone!
Him to torment you never found me loth;
To what I swear, then, children take your oath!
Hide hide, and when I want you both I'll call—

[They go off, she hides behind the Lid of the Box, holding it up. The Doctor enters, and not perceiving them, tumbles over and breaks the Bottles.
Dr.
Zounds, what a crash! A pretty decent fall!
Whose job can this be? Hemp shall squeeze their throttles;
My med'cine spilt! what's worse, I've broke my bottles.
(Goes up to chest.)
Ephraim! Oh, potion, lotion, pill, and plaister!
My sleeping draught has brought on this disaster.
He would be tasting, vent'rous of his life:
Oh, lord, he's dead! I would it were my wife!
Would she were tipsy with so strong a dram
Here on this spot.

Mrs.
Well, rogue, and here I am!

[Drops the lid, he starts, much alarmed.
Dr.
Oh, lord, all's over!—

Mrs.
Yes, revenge takes place—
Doesn't the gallows stare you in the face?
I'll swear you kill'd this queer-phizz'd formal blade.

Dr.
Well, what o' that? 'twas in the way of trade;
And you've no witness—

Mrs.
There you reckon short—
Rattling and Polly, both come into court!
Enter both.
If to their marriage, now, you don't consent—

Dr.
Oh, lord! you'd hang me!

Mrs. and Polly.
Yes.

Dr.
Well, I'm content.

Jack.
Avast! the navy ne'er was falsehood's school;
'Tan't on the log-book, matey—

Polly.
Oh you fool!

Mrs.
Consent, or for yon humdrum's death thou diest;
There he lies stretch'd—

[Ephraim throws up the lid of the Box.
Eph.
Yea, verily thou liest.

Dr.
A miracle! why surely 'tis deceiving!

Eph.
Yea, I did taste thy drugs, and still am living—
[Comes from the box.
But, least thy nostrums should destroy me quite,
To save myself I'll lose my help-mate by't;
There, take thy daughter—

[Takes Polly, and gives her to Dr.
Dr.
From thy word dos't fly?

Eph.
Yea, verily— (yawns.)


Jack.
That, old one, will not I.
I've your consent, good cheer shall make us happy,
And if our friends but smile, now all are happy.

FINALE.

Dr.
Come, wife, a buss, tho' I must own
I've sow'd for others reaping;
The draught a better deed had done,
To set your tongue a sleeping.
'Twas meant good humour to provoke,
If fast and sound I'd lock'd her,
My patients would enjoy the joke,
And ape the Village Doctor.

Chorus.
'Twas meant, &c.

Jack.
Your kindness makes this pinnace mine,
Love's harbour lays before us;

Polly.
With fond affection soon we'll join
In matrimonial chorus.
Dad meant good-humour to provoke,
If fast asleep he'd lock'd her,
His patients would enjoy the joke,
And ape the Village Doctor.

Mrs.
In vain, old hubby, have you strove
Your lamb to be entrapping;

Eph.
By yea and nay, in making love,
Alack! they found me napping.
'Twas meant good humour to provoke,
If fast asleep he'd lock'd her,
His patients would enjoy the joke,
And ape the Village Doctor.