University of Virginia Library

Scene I

(A room in the cottage, a table laid out with meats, wines, etc. DEVIL, ANTONIO, PHARMACEUTUS, STEPHANIO, ANGULO, CAMPANO and BENEDICT at table.)
DEVIL
Here! push the bottle to Antonio,
He's a choice spirit, whose wit shows brightest when
Burnish'd by wine. Drink sippingly, but not
So as to surfeit th'senses; only kindle
The combination of images
From whose collision leaps the brilliant spark
Of Heaven-born wit.

ANTONIO
Fair Amoret, I drink
Unto the absence of thy loving husband.
[To STEPHANIO
Hark ye, Stephanio, ply the Monk with wine,
Mellow his austere nature.

STEPHANIO
Mr. Benedict
The bottle is with you.

BENEDICT
With me! O Shame!
Take it away! it doth pollute mine eye-sight.
The simple mountain stream that gusheth down
The cavern doth suffice my natural wants
And the few roots that spring uncultivated.

ANTONIO
Tush! man, thy fair round juicy corporation
Doth give the lie unto thine utterance!
An thou wert buried underneath an oak
It were the goodliest tree in Christendom.

STEPHANIO
'Tis a fine cargo of guts.

ANGULO
That is as plain
As that two straight lines can't enclose a space,
The angles of his elbows and his knees
And all the other angles of his person
Are all obtuse. Good living hath worn down
Their natural acuteness. Both his haunches
Are as the segments of a circle.

BENEDICT
Faugh!

ANGULO
And each particular hair upon his scull
Makes up the shortest distance 'tween two points.

BENEDICT
Avaunt! the upright shall not soil his speech
To answer to th'ungodly.

STEPHANIO
Ay, is't so?
Then, Master Benedict, d'ye hear, bring to,
Unless thy weighty flanks desire bombardment,
Although, i'faith, good Nature gave thy carcase
Broadside enough. But, rot me, once for all
Drink or be d---d.

BENEDICT
The righteous were made
To suffer persecution.

STEPHANIO
Drink on—

BENEDICT
Hush!
Blast not my hearing with thine obscene oaths.
Sooner than listen to them, I, by drinking,
Will do a violence unto my nature—
Not that I love the carnal taste of wine,
For the Lord knows I'll only wet my lips
That I may stop your execrations.

[Drinks off the bumper
ANTONIO
Bravo! take heed, he only wets his lips!

PHARMACEUTUS
A little wine in moderation
Doth brace the nerves and lend the flagging spirits
A healthful tonic and decent gaiety.

ANTONIO
Would it could brace thy person.

PHARMACEUTUS
Or mend thy temper.

ANTONIO
Make thy hips firmer.

PHARMACEUTUS
Or thy tongue less voluble.

DEVIL
Fie, Gentlemen, no brawls!

STEPHANIO
Fair Excellence,
Thou hast held out long enough. I prithee now
Capitulate on honourable terms,
Disclose the dazzling windows of thine eyes,
Display the rosy banners of thy cheeks,
And open the port cullis of thy lips,
Within whose crimson tenement are rang'd
Thine ivory files of teeth. Consider, prithee,
How shall the airy ardent kiss make way
Through the thick folds of that dark veil, which bars
All access to the fortress of thy soul.

ANTONIO
Ay! Ay! unveil.

ANGULO
Disperse thy ‘nebulæ.’

DEVIL
Ay and the nebulones that surround me.

ANTONIO
Thou wert not used to such reservedness—
Veil versus BEAUTY is a case which will
Admit of many pleadings.

DEVIL
'Troth, I dare not
Unveil lest ye should quarrel for my nose.
(Aside)
(No fear of that methinks) and make partition
Of all the other features of my face.

ANGULO
And think you that we would bisect your visage?

ANTONIO
Will you not face us?

DEVIL
Nay, I cannot countenance ye.

ANTONIO
Prithee unveil! why, only double-faces
Do lurk beneath a veil.

DEVIL
And said I not
You wish'd to halve my physiognomy?
You hint that I am double-faced and hence
'Tis plain you wish that half my face were off.

ANGULO
Equals from equals taken remain equals.

DEVIL
Let me have no divisions on the point.

ANGULO
A point hath neither parts nor magnitude,
Thy face hath both and therefore is no point.

DEVIL
From thine own wit I judge thy wit is pointless,
For thou hast parts and therefore lackest point.

ANTONIO
How should his inability proceed
From his ability? If he hath parts
Then is he not without ability,
But if his language hath no point in it,
Then his ability is null and void.

ANGULO
Which is absurd.

ANTONIO
Can'st solve it?

ANGULO
I say still
A point hath neither parts nor magnitude—

DEVIL
But this is size-point and hath parts and magnitude.

ANTONIO
Thou art as full of point as a woolcard, Amoret.

DEVIL
But you are ‘contre-point’ and meet me halfway.

CAMPANO
The devil take discussion—that bears point-blank.

STEPHANO
I wish the point were doubled.

ANTONIO
Nay, i'faith
We've had enough on't.
[Here BENEDICT helps himself
What, old Confidence,
Thou top and Pink of all Morality,
Thy taste improves then. Marry, but I had
Some shrewd suspicion that that demi-circle
Of entrails was bow'd out with better stuff
Than herb and biscuit.

BENEDICT
A—avaunt I—I will not heed the unrighteous.

ANTONIO
Thou dost not like the carnal taste of wine?

ANGULO
How the saint reels about his centre of gravity,
His spine subtends an arc of ninety degrees.

STEPHANO
'Faith he hath no small matter in his hold,
He'd keep both pumps at work, I warrant him.

DEVIL
I pray ye, Gentlemen, give ear to me,
It is my wish that e'er I do unveil
The ineffable magic of my charms, that each
In turn should chaunt some love lorn madrigal
Some amorous ditty which may give him scope
To laud with Love's exaggeration
Unto the height of his ability
My loveliness of feature: after which
To him whose strains are sweetest and whose praise
Sounds softest to the ear of vanity
I purpose the unveiling of my beauty
And will admit him to snatch as many kisses
From lips, cheeks, eyebrows, forehead as he wish
Ad libitum. Doth it hit your fancies?

ANTONIO
Ay!
Certes, fair Amoret: Shall I begin?
My voice is sweeter than the chink of silver.

CAMPANO
Mine louder than the bugles' clamour.

ANGULO
And mine
Falls with more regular cadence than—

STEPHANIO
And mine's
Like any cannon.

DEVIL
What saith Benedict?

BENEDICT
My voice was ever yet employed in psalmody.

PHARMACEUTUS
But mine—

ANTONIO
What! thine! the clicking of thy tongue
Upon thy worn-out palate doth resemble
The livelong hammering of thy cursed pestle
Upon the druggéd mortar and doth surfeit
Our hearing, as thy physicks do our taste.

DEVIL
Antonio, prithee sing first.

ANTONIO
Why, then, here goes!
By Jove, I'll warble like the captive thrush.
Thou hast cast over me the golden net,
The all subduing trammels of strong love.
My soul is held in such sweet thrall by thee
Had I the power I would not grant it bail,
Therefore, sweet Excellence, my strains shall be
Most like the imprison'd linnet's.

DEVIL
Prithee, gaol-bird,
No prelude to thy warblings—quick—dispatch.

STEPHANIO
I can roar out a catch with th'best o'ye.

ANTONIO
If thou presumest to exalt thy voice—

STEPHANIO
Avast! Avast there messmate! Anchor quietly.
What! do you bear against me? Put about ship
Or ere a hand can reef the mizzen top-sail,
I'll lend thy stern so warm a cannonading
As peradventure, man, may make thy bowsprit
Drip with salt water.

DEVIL
What, Stephanio,
Would'st print the booted fury of thy five toes
Into his yielding carcase?

STEPHANIO
Marry, would I.

PHARMACEUTUS
(whispering STEPHANIO)
Ay, do't, Stephanio, prithee, do it now.
He lacketh salutary chastisement.

ANTONIO
Thou woulds't not meddle sure with my entailments.

CAMPANO
How! woulds't thou violate his back settlements?

STEPHANIO
What! do you side with him? do you back him?

CAMPANO
No,
Not his back-side.

ANTONIO
If thou but stirrest one finger
Or look'st upon me commandingly—thus,
I'll let more light into thy skull than ever
Shone there of nature, with as rude a polt
As ever cudgel-swinging bumpkin lent
His blue and batter'd brother-labourer.

ANGULO
There will be ‘Vulgar Fractions’ then, methinks.

ANTONIO
So! So! you thrust your tongue into your cheek
As if you doubt my prowess—Why, come on then!
Dost think a lawyer hath but legal weapons?
Can'st toddle to the scratch? I'll sew your sees up!
I'll Chancery your upper tenements.
I'll file and bore you scientifically.
I'll make the patchwork peep, I warrant you,
Disorganise your victualling-office, uncork
The claret of your nob, and dim your daylights,
And make your ivories chatter in the tusk-box.

STEPHANIO
I'll bring my guns to bear on ye enow,
I'm only gathering wind before I crowd sail.

ANTONIO
Ay, ay, for every mugger thou shalt give me,
I'll lend thee ten and ten and ten to that.

ANGULO
Oh! a recurring decimal.

STEPHANIO
Come, unrig.

ANTONIO
I am your man.

DEVIL
(coming behind)
And I your woman, Sir.

(Trips him up)
ANGULO
Quod erat demonstrandum!

STEPHANIO
Ha! Ha! founder'd!

CAMPANO
He hath received some damage in his rear,
And total rout unto his advanc'd guard.

ANTONIO
How now! the devil! Amoret!

DEVIL
The Devil's Amoret
Is a good part if done in character.
The Devil Amoret! the Devil, Sir!
I was an Angel twenty minutes since,
Did I not say that you would change your humour?

ANTONIO
Assault and battery!

DEVIL
Ha! Ha! Ha! Antonio,
And would you swear me in to keep the peace?

PHARMACEUTUS
It was a bad concussion. Shall I bleed you?

ANTONIO
I am bedevil'd and bewizarded.

DEVIL
And have you not the grace to say ‘bewitched’?

ANTONIO
Methought a Giant grappled me—What spells
Have put such thew and sinew in an arm
Whose rounded purity seem'd only able
To string a necklace or to clasp a bracelet?

DEVIL
What! have I tickled you? your nose drops blood.

STEPHANIO
How! hath he sprung a leak? hath he bilg'd?

ANGULO
He hath prov'd
The law of gravitation lustily—
And yet, methought, the vacuum in his skull
Might have buoyed up his carcase to some purpose.

STEPHANIO
He pitches bravely.

ANTONIO
Murrain take ye all!
Am I a shrovetide cock that ye should crack
Your jests upon me thus? but I'll not stand it.

DEVIL
No, 'faith, you measur'd all your length just now.

ANTONIO
What do ye take me for?

ANGULO
A baffled lawyer
Diverging from the perpendicular
Which you have done before now—

BENEDICT
Yea, by 'r Lady,
He hath swerv'd from rectitude.

ANTONIO
O chattering Apes,
Do ye make mouths at me? do ye snap your fingers
As ye esteem'd me less than th'heated air
Whose rarefied attenuated substance
Would scarce endure the thistle beard to sport
Upon its yielding subtlety? then, here's for ye,
I value not a single soul among ye
The interest which one poor farthing yields
I' th'fraction of a second.

ANGULO
How!

COMPANO
What!

STEPHANIO
Do you brave us all?

ANTONIO
Ay.

STEPHANIO
Split my—

DEVIL
Hist!

[Knocking
ANTONIO
O Lord, the Necromancer!

BENEDICT
Holy Virgin
Defend us!

ANTONIO
We shall all be cats or foxes.

STEPHANIO
'Twill blow a rough gale.

[Knocking
BENEDICT
Saints deliver me!
I'll never do an evil thing again.

ANTONIO
I'll never nim a client of his due.

PHARMACEUTUS
I'll never kill a patient any more.

STEPHANIO
Would I were safe i' my hammock, out at sea!

PHARMACEUTUS
Would I were mixing draughts or rolling pills.

DEVIL
Wishes prove nothing but the vanity
Of him that wisheth: though, like telescopes,
They bring far things awhile beneath the view,
They cannot 'minish the long interval
And space between the object and the wish.
[Knocking
Quick, quick, be expeditious, Gentlemen.
Look ere you leap but tarry not in looking,
Were a good proverb.
A quick decision i' the nick of time
Outruns mature deliberation
As the strong gush o' th'tide in some strait river
Precurses the more sober ocean.
You mount the chimney, Benedict—what now!
Do you stick fast in't? doth its sooty breath
Offend thy proud olfactories? Up farther,
My ghostly chimney-sweep. I warrant this
Is not the first time you have made a chimney
The medium of intrigue. Up farther yet,
Work thy way inward. Hark ye! Pharmaceutus,
Stow your long body cheek by jowl with Angulo
Within the closet yonder. You, Campano,
Cower down beneath the heap o' musty sacks
There i' the corner with Stephanio.
You i' this chest, my worthy Counsellor,
Must with contracted stomach chafe your knees.
So! So! ye are all safe now.
[Loud and continued knocking
I prithee, patience.