University of Virginia Library

ACT III.

Scene—A Tropical Island. The Court of King Portico are discovered dressed as Red Indians.
Zap.

Whew! That's hot work; but what's worth doing at all is
worth doing well. When you're a Red Indian you must do as Red
Indians do; and a Red Indian tribe without a war-dance were a
degrading spectacle indeed.

Follette.

What a contrast to the ceremony and formality of our
pompous court at home! But, for my part, I don't like living in the
open air, and I should like to get home at once. Brown paint don't
become me.

Zap.

Local colour, my dear, nothing more.

Foll.

Local colour is all very well, but a girl's complexion is her
complexion.

Zap.
(dancing).

Not always, my dear, not always.

Foll.

But her father has got her away from the brigand! Why
don't he reveal himself and put an end to it all? Instead of which he
makes us all disguise ourselves as Red Indians, and encamp on a desert
rock ten miles from anywhere.

Zap.

All this is diplomacy. (Dances down.)

Enter King Portico as Red Indian. He sees Zap. dancing ridiculously. He is much shocked.
King.

Zapeter! Zapeter, what are you doing?

Zap.

Sire, I am practising the war-dance of the tribe.

King.

It cuts me to the heart to see you, a man of high position
and education—a minister, a grave, earnest gentleman—compelled to
resort to such buffoonery.

Zap.

Sire, so great is our love to you, so earnest our desire that
you and yours may be made happy, that we care little what personal
humiliation we may undergo. (Dances.)

King.

My faithful friend! It now remains to be considered how
we shall break the news to the Princess, that we have deceived her.
Oh, Zapeter, I know her wayward temper well, and it will be necessary
to proceed with the utmost caution. I dread the consequences of telling
her that she must return with us to our court.

Zap.

But why return to your court at all?

King.

Eh?

Zap.

Why not live here for ever? You look a Red Indian! why
not be a Red Indian? As for your kingdom, great as would be the
pain of quitting you for ever, I would even return, and rule in your
place; such, sire, is the love I bear you.

King.

My faithful and self-denying Zapeter, it is wisely and kindly
proposed—we will think of it! But, soft, she approaches.

[Chorus dance, and at end exeunt.
Enter Toto.
King.

Ha! hum! The brow of the ha—palefaced young woman is
clouded. Is anything wrong?

Toto.

Yes, I'm bitterly disappointed—and that's the truth. It has
been the aim of my life to throw off the trammels of conventionality,
and to revel in the society of barbaric man in all his primeval magnificence.

I thought I had found it in the brigand's lair, but the brigand,
imposing at a distance, turned out, on close inspection, to be a thing of
petty fears, insignificant jealousies, and undeveloped intelligence. I
thought I had found it among the Red Indians, but the Red Indians
eat caviare, and shave with a Mappin's razor. His very tomahawk
has the Birmingham stamp upon it.

King.

And yet we are considered a very fair representative tribe.

Toto
(contemptuously).

A Red Indian with a double eye-glass.

King.

The fact is, that the hawk-eyed Red Man is getting on in
years, and his eye-sight isn't what it was. There was a time when he
could see the wind, when he had—a—no difficulty in following the
flight of a bullet, when he was known as—as—Zapeter, what was I
known as before my eye-sight went?

Zap.

You were known, sire, as “Pish-tush-pooh-bah,” or the
Oxy-hydrogen Miscroscope.

King.

Exactly—a—that is what I was known as.

Toto.

Yes, I dare say you were all you say, but civilization has set
its stamp upon you, and you interest me no more. True, you are
called “Chumpee Choakee,” “The Abernethy Biscuit;” that sounds
very well; but for anything primeval there is about you, your name
might be Watkins, and you might keep a penny ice shop in the Borough
road. Why, your very dinners are civilized: boiled mutton and caper
sauce. Why don't the Red Man go and hunt the wild buffalo like a
Red Man?

King.

Because, to be quite plain with you, I do not think the Red
Man would succeed in capturing that animal. If the Red Man
depended for his meals on the wild buffaloes he might happen to secure,
the Red Man would go supperless to his—what do you call it?

Toto.

Wigwam.

King.

Wigwam—thank you, that is the word I wanted.

Toto.

But it's very easy! You've only got to disguise yourself in
a buffalo's skin, and when you see a herd approaching, go up to them
on all fours, bellowing like a bull. Now, do go and catch a wild
buffalo.

King.

Never, never; now understand me, Toto, I will not do it.

Toto.

This is rebellion (retires up).

King.

Very likely. I can't help it, I will not catch a wild buffalo.

Zap.
(aside to King)

Sire, I think if I were you I should humour
her.

King.

Zapeter, I will not do it. I have stooped to much since I came
here. I have painted my face like a clown in a pantomime, I have

danced ridiculous war-dances, I have dressed myself in unpleasant
skins that tickle dreadfully, but go on all fours bellowing like a bull—
I will not do it.

Jam.
(who has been looking out at back).

Sire, a boat is approaching
the shore, and there are five strangers on board. What in the world
shall we do?

King.

A boat with five strangers? Great Heavens! if they should
happen to know me I should be a standing object of ridicule to the end
of my days. We must conceal ourselves at once. Where can we lie
hid?

Jam.

Sire, there is a thicket of prickly cactus within a few hundred
yards. In that we might conceal ourselves till they depart.

Toto.

Prickly cactus! Oh, how horrid!

King.

Thanks, thanks, my trusty Jamilek. Your ingenious suggestions
are always at hand in cases of emergency. Bless you, Jamilek! I
do not altogether like lying down in prickly cactus, but there is no
time to hesitate. To think that King Portico should have to stoop to
such an expedient. Oh, Jamilek, if ever it should become known
that I had consented to conceal myself in a bed of prickly cactus, your
head shall pay the penalty.

[Exeunt.
Enter Doro, Caramel, Jacquier, Floss and Jelly, rowing in an open boat at back.
BARCAROLLE.
When you're afloat
In an open boat,
With nobody there to tow,
You ply your oar
Till you reach the shore,
And that is all we know.
When you're afloat in a sailing boat
Which is much too big to row,
You spread your sail
To the quickening gale,
And that is all we know.

[Doro, Caramel and Jelly disembark, Floss and Jacquier row off.
Car.

At last, after a week's weary tossing in an open boat on a
rough sea, we have arrived at our destination.

Doro.

Yes, this is no doubt the island which was indicated to us
as that to which the ship sailed that conveyed the beautiful Toto
from her unhappy husband's arms.

Car.

My kind friend.

Doro.

My devoted ally.

Jelly
(crying):

My poor mistress! she was very kind to me.

Car.

Oh, she was a lovely woman!

Doro.

Lovely, indeed; to this moment the tears come into my eyes
when I think of her.

Car.

My dear friend! (Aside to Jelly)
This man's sympathy for my
loss is inexplicable. He could not have regretted her more if he had
been married to her himself. (Retires up.)

Doro
(aside to Jelly).

Jelly, this good fellow's interest in my bereavement
touches me here—here, Jelly. Such single-hearted sorrow
for the misfortunes of a comparative stranger is simply phenomenal.
My more than brother!

Jelly.

Now, this is very affecting. Each of these young men
think that the other is helping him to discover his wife. They've been
too sea-sick to compare notes, and when the truth comes out that Toto
has married both of them, there'll be a row.

[Exit.
Doro
(coming down, suddenly).

Caramel, I will never desist until
I have discovered Toto.

Car.

I am afraid you are giving yourself a great deal of trouble.

Doro.

Trouble! What is trouble when such an end is in view?

Car.

Well, you are the kindest-hearted fellow I ever met.

Doro.

Kindest-hearted? No, it is upon you the epithet should be
conferred. I cannot tell you how I honour you for your efforts to discover
her. Caramel, it is noble—noble.

[Exit.
Re-enter Toto.
Toto.

Why, whom in the world have we here?

Car.

At last, at last I've found her (clasping her in his arms).

Toto, Toto, where have you been all this time, and what have you been
doing?

Toto
(in his arms).

I know your face somewhere.

Car.

To quit me as you did, within an hour of your marriage, and
then to give me this hunt after you—oh, Toto, it's too bad.

Toto.

Stop a bit; let us understand each other. You are—let me
see—

Car.

I am Prince Caramel, known to you as Barberini.

Toto.

Barberini! I know that name. (Suddenly)
It's the brigand.

Car.
(hurt).

Yes, it's the brigand.

Toto.

Let me see—didn't I marry you?

Car.

Yes, you did marry me, and you left me immediately afterwards
with a parcel of Red Indians, and I've followed you ever since!
And now I've found you, what have you got to say for yourself?

Toto.

That I'm very, very sorry. I remember it all now; but the
Indians came, and they amused me, and when they asked me to join
them I forgot all about you, and I went. But I'm very sorry, and I
love you very dearly, and I won't run away any more. Oh dear, oh
dear! if you only knew how I loved you, you'd forgive me.

Car.
(annoyed).

Well I—now don't cry, I can't bear to see anyone
cry. If you'll promise to return with me and never forget you've been
married any more, why I'll try and forgive you.

Toto.

And never teaze me about it again?

Car.

No, the matter shall be buried and forgotten.

Toto.

Then I'm forgiven?

Car.

Yes (Kisses her.)

Toto
(in his arms).

Quite?

Car.

Quite.

SONG.—Toto. (First verse sung to Caramel.)
At the end of first verse Caramel turns up and goes off slowly as Doro enters. Doro comes down and Toto sings second verse to him, not noticing that any change has taken place.

[At the end of song he repulses her.
Toto.

There, now you're cross again.

Doro.

Cross? I should think so, to leave me as you did, with a set
of strangers. I'll never forgive you, never—never—

Toto.

Why, you promised you would never refer to it again!

Doro.

I promised you that?

Toto.

Certainly! Now, do drop the subject, and don't refer to it
again.

Doro.

Well, you're the coolest young lady I've met for some
time.

Toto
(coaxingly).

Now, Barberini—

Doro.

Barberini? I beg to inform you that my name is Doro.

Toto.

Doro, is it? Then why did you tell me your name was
Barberini?

Doro.

I never told you so.

Toto.

Then I'm mixing you up with someone else.

Doro.

I object to that process.

Toto.

There is a brigand, Barberini, isn't there?

Doro.

There is just now, but if you mix him up with me, there
won't be a brigand Barberini very long.

Toto.

I'll try and keep you distinct, but it's very confusing. Let
me see—you wear that (tying a handkerchief round his arm)
, and then
I shall know you.

Doro.

It shall never quit me while I have life.

Enter Caramel, who comes down to the place Doro occupied.
Toto
(speaking to Caramel).

Why, you've taken it off already.
O you men, there's no trusting you!

Car.

I don't think I quite understand.

Doro.

Now you're mixing us up again.

Toto.

True. Caramel, get away, you're a dream.

Car.

A dream!

Toto.

A hideous dream.

Doro.

A nightmare.

Car.

But—

Toto.

Go away, I tell you. Don't come near me, If you speak
another word I'll wake, and then where will you be?

Car.

False, fickle, perjured girl! I renounce you for ever! There
is one lowlier in station, but lovelier in personal appearance, who tended
me during the protracted agonies of the voyage, and to whom my
heart will ever turn with sympathetic yearnings. I go to her—my
own Jelly!

[Exit.
Re-enter the King.
King.

The crisis is at hand. The rain came as I was sleeping
sweetly in the prickly cactus, and I forgot to bring the walnut-juice
with me; there isn't a drop in the island.

Re-enter Jelly and Caramel.
Jelly.

Why, that's never your majesty?

Toto.

Jelly! my dear Jelly, I am delighted to see you. Let me
introduce you to our Ruler.

Jelly.

Bless you, I've known his majesty ever since I was born!

Car.

If you please, I had the honour of being betrothed to the
Princess, but finding that she loves somebody else—

Jelly.

Why, he's going to marry me!

Toto.

Why, Jelly, you're never going to marry that! Why he's a
dream!

Re-enter Jamilek, Zapeter, and Court.
King.

Zapeter, how is this? You have removed your complexions!
This is indelicate.

Zap.

Sire, it is of no use! The last shower was too much for us,
and there is no colouring matter on the island.

Toto.

Why, what in the world have you been doing to yourself?
Surely this side of your face is familiar to me?

King.

It is. I am your father, who practised a deception on you
to bring you back to his arms. Will you forgive me?

Toto.

My father! (Is about to embrace him, but shrinks from painted side of his face.)

No, the other side, please!

King.

And you forgive me?

Toto.

I have been very wilful and perverse and wayward, but now
that I have a husband to look after me I won't give you any more
trouble, as he will be always at hand to pull me up whenever I attempt
to act on the spur of the moment.

FINALE.
Toto and Chorus.
At last I shall marry my own,
For I love my dear Doro alone;
It cannot too widely be known,
At last I shall marry my own.
Let everybody be gay,
For we're to be married to-day.