University of Virginia Library

Scene I.

—Exterior of Count Arnheim's Castle, P. S. Rock pieces, U. E., O. P., and P. S., and Bridge across. Flag-staff, O. P. Mountains in the distance. Retainers discovered about stage drinking tea, with the air of robbers carousing. Attendants carrying trays of muffins, water-cresses, &c., are waiting on the Retainers.
1st Ret.
Now for the hunt!

2nd Ret.
It's hardly time to start,
Come, one more crumpet, friends, before we part!
Let's all be jolly!

3rd Ret.
There I quite agree with you.
Come, Jones, the pleasure of a cup of tea with you!

2nd Ret.
I've one more toast, for which I won't prepare you—
Long live Count Florestein!

All.
Hurrah!

Flores.
(entering.)
How dare you
To take such freedom with your noble hosts!
Be silent!

2nd Ret.
But we're not half through our toasts;
To leave out one would disappoint us greatly.
(to Ret.)
Count Florestein has not been drunk—

Flores.
Not lately.

2nd Ret.
Though we are but retainers, try our tea.
You spurn it?

Flores.
I believe you my Bohea!
That I'm no barrister, no fact is plainer,
Or you might find me fee'd with a retainer.
Come, silence everywhere for all and each:
Attention for Count Arnheim's annual speech!

Enter Count Arnheim and Buda, carrying Arline, a mechanical baby.
All cheer.
Count.
Up with my flag! (The Austrian flag is run up to top of flag-staff.)

Don't mind me—'tis my manner.
Oh, how I love that gallant Austrian banner!
I was born under it—a babe forlorn.
I may say I was to the banner born.
We'll drink its health, and let our tongues then wag on:
Why don't you fill your cups? you've got the flag on.
Oh, how I love all you assembled here!
How lovely you all look in hunting gear.
An ostrich feather laps o'er every phiz
And then—you're dressed in green!

All
We are!

Count.
You is!
How kind of you to trim your dress with bugles;
How thoughtful, to procure your guns from Dougall's;
How good of you to clothe in gloves your knuckles;
How condescending to wear belts with buckles!
Rich sables everywhere I see occur,
You are so near—and yet you are so fur.
You've all got swords—

All.
We have!

Count.
Spears!

All.
Short and tall!

Count.
Oh, gracious goodness! how I love you all!
Though time has partly silvered o'er my tresses,
Yet my old age is green as—

1st Ret.
(to waiter)
Water cresses.

(Count annoyed at interruption.)
Count.
'Tis with emotion, not with age I shake;
You may perhaps consider me a—

2nd Ret.
(to waiter.)
Cake!

Count.
I might enlarge, amid these joyous stuffins,
On my respect for you, but that's all—

Flores.
(to waiter)
Muffins!

Count.
Were I a wealthy man, from morn to noon
I'd scatter gold among you like a—

3rd Ret.
(to waiter)
Spoon!

Count.
To far more splendid banquets you I'd beg;
Upon that table I would lay—

4th Ret.
(to waiter)
An egg!

Count.
But that I'm poor is surely not my fault;
Alas! Count Arnheim isn't worth his—

4th Ret.
Salt!

Count.
You are your country's very proudest boast;
I drink your health with pleasure—

Flores.
(to waiter)
Buttered toast!

Count.
Welcome, all welcome to your lord's estate;
You are invited to this hunting fete.
Because to-day Arline, whom all must praise,
Is five years, seven months, and fourteen days!
(fondling Arline.)
Her every look and word my heart-strings touch;
It's strange that I should love that child so much!
I'm but her father! (weeps)
pardon me that tear—
Somehow I've loved her so since I came here
To govern all the soldiers in the cartial.
To them, ma-martial, but to her pa-partial!
Now go and hunt; go scour each hill and glen,
You're not expected back till half-past ten.

(All go off to hunt. Arline accompanies Florestein. The Count and Buda enter the house. Then enter Max hurriedly, as if pursued. He beckons off, and Florestein enters cautiously.)
Max.
(sees flag)
The Austrian flag; we're still in danger then;
No Pole is safe with these vindictive men.

Thad.
Why do you tremble? It should cheer your soul
To see the Austrian flag fly from the Pole.
This is Count Arnheim's house; I know it well;
He hates us Poles, as all of us can tell.
We should avoid his presence, if we can shun it.

Max.
Count Arnheim's mansion? Oh, dear me, don't mansion it!
This is no place for us—though grand and huge it—
If we begged for a refuge, he'd refuge it.
I shall be off, for I'm half dead with fear—

Thad.
Perhaps you're right (going).
Hallo—whom have we here?

Enter Devilshoof and Gipsies. R. U. E. and L. U. E.
Devil.
(taking Thaddeus's hand)
Stop, pretty sir, for gold we don't importune.
You'll let this pretty gipsy tell your fortune?

Thad.
Thanks, graceful being, but we've got no gold
My fortune's stolen.

Devil.
(Relinquishing hand.)
Then your fortune's stoled.
Who are you? What's your name? Where was you riz?

Thad.
My name is Thaddeus, friend.

Devil.
The deuce it is!

Max.
We're refugees from Poland, all the way,
Our country shall avenge our wrongs some day;
Warsaw triumphant once we thought we fore-saw,
That isn't now the case, but wice-warsaw!

Devil.
Two hunted criminals? A hand will lend you,
You should be safe with Poland to defend you.

Thad.
They've set a price upon my head—

Devil.
(Examining his head.)
Ha! where?

Thad.
Get out, you muff, it isn't in my hair!
The guards pursue me now—

Devil.
You might do wus
Than join our gang—say, will thou gang wi' us;
We'll beat the soldiers if you'll be confiding.

Thad.
You'll beat them? How?

Devil.
By giving you a hiding.

Max.
Pooh! you can't hide us from the soldiers, man!

Devil.
You musn't throw cold water on our plan.

Max.
Well, as for that, 'twere pleasanter to con you,
If some one oft'ner threw cold water on you!

Devil.
We are choice spirits—our abode unfixed.

Thad.
But your choice spirits are so very mixed.

Devil.
We're butterflies, but schooled to fortune's rubs.

Max.
Oh, butterflies! I set you down as grubs.

Devil.
Now, who are you? You'd better, far, be frank.

Thad.
A Polish noble of exalted rank,
But poor.

Devil.
Pooh! that won't wash at any point.

Thad.
You don't object to it on that account?
Why you're as black as soot, you dirty brute you.

Max.
Their's is a mode of life that's sure to soot you.

Thad.
This is my servant—trained to wait at table,
An able valet, and most valley-able.
But there, my lot is yours, if you'll but take it.

Devil.
Good—there's my hand.

Thad.
(after inspecting it.)
My servant, here, shall shake it.
(Max does so.)
It isn't highly white, so I decline.

Devil.
Not highly white? But you'll this black gang jine?

Max.
Here are the soldiers sure as eggs, eggs is.

Devil.
Ha, ha! Be quick disguise yourself with this.
(gives Thaddeus a very thin cane.)
(to Max.)
Put on these gloves—this scarf-pin in your tie;
(to Thad.)
Here is an eye-glass, stick it in your eye.

Thad.
An eye-glass? surely that'll never do,
That's a disguise that's made to be seen through.

Devil.
They come, they come, now mingle in our brood;
Assume an unembarrassed attitude.
(Thaddeus and Max assume intensely melodramatic attitudes of concealment, apart from the rest.)
I never saw a man in a position
Less calculated to excite suspicion!

Enter Officer and Soldiers. R. U. E.
Off.
Ha! gipsies. Here friend (gives money.)
Did you see, I pray,
Ten minutes since a ruffian pass this way?
His name is Thaddeus—p'raps he's somewhere hid.

Devil.
Thaddeus, of Warsaw?

Off.
Yes.

Devi.
Of course I did.
(points off R.)
You see that tree that stands against the sky?

Off.
I do.

Devil.
A church then meets your eye—

Off.
Aye, aye.

Devil.
Above it, rises high, a wooded hill,
And on its very summit there's a mill;
Carry your eye along its wavy ridge,
And you'll distinguish, if your sharp, a bridge—

Off.
I see it—and beyond, a slight projection.

Devil.
Well then, he took—the opposite direction.

(points L.)
(Officer and Soldiers exeunt L. W.
Trio and chorus.—Thaddeus, Devilshoof, and Max.
Air.—“La Langouste Atmospherique.”—Œil Crèvé.
Thad.
We're much obliged to you I'm sure.
A fact I've hinted at before.

Max.
Take care, they're hardly out of hearing,
That they will soon return I'm fearing.
Unquestionably, if they do,
It's all U.P. with me and you.

Thad.
Yes, in your gang myself concealing,
Much more secure I shall be feeling.

Devil.
Undoubtedly unless you do,
It will be all U. P. with you.

Thad.
Oh, for a while, for a while to dilly dally.

Max.
When in a fix you should never shilly-shally.

Devil.
Whack fol, lol, lol; whack fol, lol, lol; whack fol, lol, lol, lay.

Thad.
Please, understand, that I do it willy-nilly.

Max.
Yes, if you don't, you will rue it silly-billy.

Devil.
Whack fol, lol, lol, &c., &c., &c.

All.
Oh, for a while, for a while to dilly-dally.

(repeat last six lines together.)
(At the conclusion, enter Florestein, R., in great alarm, meeting Count and Buda coming from the house.)
Flor.
Help, help—a huge wild boar with tusks immense
Has seized Arline, and quickly borne her hence;
Undaunted by the danger or the distance,
We nobly fled, that we might get assistance!

Count.
That was so like you, your devotion much is;
My Arline in the brute's destructive clutches;
The incident so vividly he paints,
Pardon a loving father, if he faints.

(The Count faints. Thaddeus, who seizes a pop-gun, discharges it, runs off R., and returns bearing Arline, and a dead sucking-pig.)
Thad.
Your daughter safely to you I restore,
My trusty Enfield settled that small bore.
No thanks—a trifle.

Flores.
He don't care a fig.
Call that a small boar—why it's very pig!

Count.
That she's uninjured let me be assured,
Her body's safe, although her skirt is gored.

Thad.
My bullet reached her heart before he crunched her—
The beast had almost munched her.

Count.
What a munchter!

Flores.
(sees wound on Arline's shoulder.)
He's been a-biting her—her life-blood drawing!

Count.
A-biting? Oh, dear me, this is a-gnawing!
Her fate was almost sealed—a frightful death!

Flores.
A fact that this indenture witnesseth.

Count.
(to Thad.)
She would have perished in the monster's jaws,
If you'd not introduced your saving claws.
You'll join our sports—among our friends we rank you—
You'll stop a day?

Devil.
(officiously).
We will—a month.

Count.
(coldly)
Oh, thank you.
(fondling Arline.)
I love this very best of pipsy-wipsies,
(shakes hands with Dev.)
I've a particular respect for gipsies.
(shaking hands with Hunters)
Hunters I worship, as I said before,
(shaking hands with Florestein)
I love all nephews, (kisses Buda)
Nurses I adore;
Mankind at large I love, my heart's so big—
(sees pig)
I'm also very fond of sucking pig.
There take her in, my darling little treasure.

Max.
Allow me to escort you.

Buda.
Oh, with pleasure.

(Max, Buda, and Arline go into house.)
Count
(to Thaddeus.)
Come, pick a bit—my choicest meats invoke 'em.
(to Devil.)
What do you generally pick, sir?

Devil.
Oakum!

Count.
Come drink—our cellar every tap can show,
Hyson or Congou, Souchong or Pekoe;
We're in Bohemia, famed for our Bohea.

Devil.
Well, thanks, I'm not pertickler to a T!

Count.
A toast, my friends; come, take the time from me,
Our Emperor we'll drink in three times three!
(He notices that Thaddeus does not drink.)
Come, drink his health—you might, you could, you should.

Thad.
I don't desire his health, or 'elth I would.
Your emp'ror is not mine—take back your dole,
My king's dethroned—know Count that I'm a Pole!

(All start.)
Count.
(aside)
He's saved Arline, I don't want to be down on him.

Thad.
I pledge my king!

Count.
You'll never get a crown on him.
For you I grieve I must decline to cater.

1st Ret.
A spy!

2nd Ret.
A base informer!

Flor.
And a traitor!

(Devilshoof steals unobserved into the castle.)
Count.
(Aside.)
They'll tear him limb from limb, and gouge each eye,
They all will want a finger in this spy.
(Aside to Thad.)
You will be off, my joker, if you're wise.

(Thad. threatens him.)
It isn't me; I'm rather fond of spies.

Enter Buda and Max,—at the same time Devilshoof appears on bridge with Arline.
Buda.
Arline has gone, my lord!

Count.
What's that you say?

Buda.
The gipsy stole her, as she slept, away,
In his torn cloak the sleeping baby wrapping—

Max.
A most disgraceful instance of kid-napping;
He placed it on his back—I heard it cough—
He hooked it on, and then—he hooked it off!

Flor.
(pointing to Devil.)
See, there's the thief—Arline with him along!

Count.
(reproachfully.)
Now, Devilshoof, this is extremely wrong!
To lose my little baby much mislikes me.
Pursue him! Stay; a slight objection strikes me,
Why, we should catch him—all would then go wrong!

Flor.
Well, in the opera they sing a song—

Count.
And so will we; perhaps that gipsy plain
May be induced to practice the refrain.

Quartette and Chorus.—Air, “Toi qui connais.”
Count.
Oh, what a great—what a horrible affliction,
Thus for to lose such a tiddy, iddy sing!

Flor.
Ne'er was there known in the history of fiction
Such an exceedingly ungentlemanly thing.

Max.
Please let me go, Miss Arline for to follow;
Back to her pa in a minute I will bring.

Devil.
Oh, what a row, what a bother, what a hollo!
All for a picky, wicky, tiddy, iddy sing!

All.
(repeat first four lines.)


Max.
Well, that a babby's a shocking source of bother
You will in all probability concur.

Flores.
Croup, pip, and whoop, when it has'nt got a mother,
Must play the deuce with a jolly widower.

Devil.
I may remark I'll return the little rover,
If but the price you allow me for to name.

Count.
Though it's a loss I shall probably get over,
Decency requires we shall all of us exclaim

All.
Oh, what a great, &c., &c., &c.

(Dance.—Scene closes in.)