University of Virginia Library

Scene IV.

Interior of Hall of Justice. Door in centre.
Enter Count.
Count.
Now that the war is over—over, mind—
My general's commission I've resigned.
Oh, how I worshipped war—till war did cease—
Now I'm on the commission of the peace;
Peace, how I love it! Bless these tranquil times!
Now I've to deal with none but civil crimes.
As great unpaid, interpreting the laws,
My pay is—nothing. How is that? Because
My value's priceless, so no sum on earth
Can represent so truly what I'm worth!
Of Justice I'm so fond; in cases many
I can't make up my mind to part with any,
Then I'm so fond of home, that I allot one
For six months to all tramps who haven't got one.
So fond of turnips, too, that 'stead of wigging 'em,
I give small, hungry boys six weeks for prigging 'em.
In short, I think there cannot be a doubt
That I'm the softest-hearted party out.
In that respect, I've often heard it said,
My heart is only equalled by my head;
My soul is sad—I'm far from well; I fear me!
Say, shall I order up, to soothe and cheer me
My troup of Bayaderes to dance before me?
No! bother Bayaderes—they only bore me. (To Officer.
Bring in some pris'ners with their crimes unfurled;
For if there is, in all this blessed world,
An occupation that the mind enlarges,
And soothes the soul, it's sentencing night charges.

Enter Officer, with Arline in custody, followed by Florestein and general public.
Off.
Here's the first charge upon the sheet to-day.
To Arl.)
Stand up, young woman; come, you know the way.
She's an old hand; there never was a worse 'un.
This time the charge is stealing from the person.

Count.
(aside)
My code is simple, based on first impressions
I formed it on a recent case at Sessions.
Always convict the ugly and the sooty ones;
Caution the plain ones, and let off the pretty ones.
(Indignantly)
That nose a thief's? what nonsense to advance!
Those eyes steal anything—except a glance!
That face rob any one, of any kind
Of anything—except their peace of mind?
To such a charge—although it may be true—
My virtuous indignation answers “Pooh!”

Flor.
A girl who'd steal a pin would steal a pound;
If she will steal a look, then, I'll be bound
She'll steal a handkerchief, the little rogue 'll.

Count.
(doubtfully.)
A glance is certainly a kind of (f) ogle!

Flor.
She stole this medal which last night I wore;
She's an accomplished thief—been here before.

Count.
Indeed, if your account is worth believing,
The charge should not be stealing but re-thieving.
Is she in trade? Unequal quite my nerve is.

Arl.
No, she's a member of the Sybil service.
Who at your little feet, in anguish sore,
Lays all her small co-operative store!

Flor.
Commit her uncle—I'll take no denial,
In the Old Bailey dock you'll take your trial.

Arl.
My craft is fortune telling—

Flor.
Oh, my dear,
That won't go down.

Arl.
Well then it's very clear,
A craft that won't “go down,” you silly block,
Is not a craft that needs be sent to dock.
(Appealing to Count.)
I've always been in life and occupation
A member of the floating population.
On life's rude waves right buoyantly I skip,
No need to send me on a trial trip.
(To Officers who seize her.
It's no good aggravating—how you tease me.
(Draws dagger)
I've this good dagger-a-waiting to release me.
Mercy! I see that vainly I beseech it.
This to my heart!

Count.
Why?

Arl.
If I want to reach it
I must employ a blade, because you see
My heart is where my hand can never be.

Count.
Those eyes—that nose—that bunchy black, back hair,
Remind me of my Arline, I declare;
And shall I in my arms once more enfold her;
And ah! that scar, how came it on your shoulder?

Arl.
By a wild boar 'twas caused—yes one of your's—
It took the customary course of bores,
Who to improve acquaintance, try too hard,
It called, it found me out, and left it scarred.

Count.
Anticipated joy half drives me wild!
Say, were you once a very little child?

Arl.
I was!

Count.
A girl?

Arl.
A very little girl!

Count.
You wore—a frock?

Arl.
Yes, and my hair in curl!

Count.
Do you remember how each morning you,
When quite a baby—

Arl.
Yes, I do, I do!

Count.
Can you withdraw from recollection's source
How sometimes you attempted to—

Arl.
Of course!

Count.
And how, before I grew so old and wrinkly,
I always used to—

Arl.
Let me think—distinkly!
The circumstances you allude to seem
Like the dim ghosts of some forgotten dream
It all comes back to me!

Count.
Then have I got
Once more my late lamented long lost—

Arl.
What?

Count.
(disconcerted.)
My long lost daughter.

Arl.
Oh, of course. I see—
Then you're my father?

Count.
Why, of course I be!
Your name?

Arl.
Arline!

Count.
'Tis she. For years I've sought her,
My long lost late lamented (d)Arline daughter.

Enter Thaddeus, Max, and Devil, in custody.
Arl.
Ha! ha!

Count.
Ha! ha!

Flores.
Ha! ha!

Thad.
Ha! ha!

Rud.
Ha! ha!

Devil.
(terrified.)
Her pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pa!

Count.
Her antecedents I must somehow hush up.
to Thad.
Who are you?—speak!

Devil.
We're the next case, your wushup.

Count.
(looking at Thad.)
A member of the very gipsy lot,
Who years ago stole Arline from her cot;
(sees Devil)
The very man who did the dirty action!

Devil.
I took her in a moment of abstraction.

Count.
I'll hang you all, your guilt there's no denying,
For “Auld lang syne,” my friends, you'll all hang sighing.

Concerted Quartette.—Count, Thaddeus, Arline, and Devilshoof.
Air—“Il etait un petit navire.”
Count.
The very self same tipsy gipsy
Who stole my darling pipsy wipsy,
(sobbing)
My little pip-pip-pipsy wipsy wee!
My little pip-pip-pipsy wipsy wee!

Arl.
(to Thad.)
At leaving you my heart is smarting,
I'm sure your Arline feels at parting,
sobbing)
As melanchol-chol-choly as can be!
As melanchol-chol-choly as can be!

Thad.
(to Arl.)
My Arline from me he will sever,
I feel convinced you're destined never
sobbing)
To see your Thad-Thad-Thaddeus any more!
To see your Thad-Thad-Thaddeus any more!

Devil.
In some disguise my figure draping
I must contrive to be escaping
sobbing
Or they'll be chok-chok-choking me I'm sure,
Or they'll be chok-chok-choking me I'm sure!

(Dance off; Arline in custody.)