University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

Scene First.

—Aqua-Marine, or Sea-water Gate of the Palace Gardens in the Island of Jewels.
Enter Laidronetta, attended.
Air—“Where the bee sucks.”
Worth a Jew's eye now am I.
On a couch of pearls I lie,—
Served by Gems. Oh, Gemini!
Won't I make the gold-dust fly
'Mongst the whole set, merrily!
Merrily, merrily shall I reign now
Over the Jewels around me that bow.

The Diamond Cutter arrives, with the King and Queen of Pharitale, Prince Prettiphello, Princess Bellotta, Count Merecho, and Suite—They are received on landing by the Princess Laidronetta and the Officers of State.
Lai.
My royal parents, thus, on duteous knee—

King.
Rise, daughter—for you're on the rise we see!
And as I view this world of wealth and splendour,
I feel my heart is growing vastly tender!
And all the father in my soul awaking
Tells me too much of you I can't be making.

Queen.
I never saw a girl improved so greatly!

Count.
Her Highness has acquired an air so stately!

Bel.
That slight cast in her eye is rather pleasing!

Prince.
At such a nose there needn't be much sneezing.

Count.
Her hair, though red, has got that touch of gold
Which in the works of Titian we behold.

Queen.
And though, perhaps, high shouldered rather, there
Is no hump'd back!

King.
Hump'd back! and if there were,
With all those dazzling diamonds hung about,
I should just like to know who'd find it out?

Lai.
(aside)
Love's blind, but love of gain must blinder be
For none so blind as those who will not see.

King.
Air—“Thy father away!”

Lai.
Obedience now, sir, is indeed a pleasure!

Queen.
Henceforth, we shall account you quite a treasure.

Lai.
And to my marriage, then, you give consent?

King.
Who could object to such a settlement?

Queen.
But where's my son-in-law, that is to be?

Bel.
I'm all impatience such a Prince to see!

Lai.
Alas! until we're married, Fate denies,
That he should shew himself to mortal eyes.

Prince.
Until you're married! you don't mean that you
Have never seen him?

Lai.
Sir, indeed I do!

King.
Of course, then, from his portrait you decided,
As usual “in such case, made and provided?”

Lai.
I've seen no portrait of him!

Queen.
Goodness me!
Upon his coin his head at least must be!

Lai.
There is no coinage in this island.

King.
No?
No money going? That's a precious go!

Prince.
Can it be possible, a golden nation,
And not one sovereign seen in circulation.

King.
Is't all a trick, you make this mighty splash on,
Or is the tally system here in fashion?

Prince.
Or do these noble rubies and carbuncles
Visit alternately each others' uncles?

Lai.
The currency is gold dust and seed pearl!

King.
(aside)
Aha! egad! there's gumption in the girl.
She cares not for her husband's physiognomy—
She looks to the “political economy!”
He flings his gold-dust in her eyes, and she,
Having see'd pearl enough, nought else would see.
(aloud)
It matters not; when folks are rich as Jews,
They may indulge in any whim they choose.
And after all, they ask you in the City,
“Is a man good?” they don't say, “Is he pretty?”
When Desdemona made her bargain blind,
She “saw Othello's visage in his mind.”
But the young lady can't be in the wrong box,
Who sees her husband's image in his strong box.

(retires up)
Bel.
(aside)
Her set of diamonds make my fingers itch,
My husband's handsome, but by no means rich.
(to Prince)
to think that fright should get so great a catch,
I cannot bear it; let us spoil the match?
(to Laidronetta)
Sister, a word with you.

Lai.
Ten, if you please!

Bel.
I marvel you can be so much at ease
About this marriage. I don't like this mystery,
And would know more of this King Emerald's history.
With all his wealth, I wonder you don't wince
At wedding an invisible strange Prince,
Who may turn out a monster!

Lai.
Sure you joke!

Prince.
You're buying here a green pig in a poke!

Lai.
A green pig! what a sight my eyes to set afore!

Prince.
Nay, I but used that phrase by way of metaphor.

Lai.
A green pig, sir, I never met afore,
Although I started once from the “Blue Boar.”
And now I start to think I may, incog.,
Go rashly the entire verdant hog!

Prince.
Aye, think of that, although at random said,
I may have hit the right nail on the head.
And only fancy, should it prove that this King
Stood in his shoes but four feet of pork griskin.
That you, when through his gammon, made a fair rib,
Should find yourself sold for a bacon spare-rib!

Lai.
Horrible thought! my jaw with terror drops!

Bel.
Fancy his cheeks a huge pair of Bath chops!

Prince.
A spouse with tusks, pigs' trotters for his toes,

Bel.
And who can wear a ring but through his nose!

Lai.
No more—no more—the die is cast, and I
Must stand, and will, the hazard of—

Prince.
The stye!

(retires up)
Lai.
(aside)
Their every word a dagger in me digs!

Bel.
To a fine market you have brought your pigs.
But I have done; upon this match absurd,
“From this time forth, I never will speak word.”

Count.
Her Highness seems much moved.

Lai.
Not much—not much.

King.
(to Bellotta)
What have you said, your sister thus to touch?

Bel.
I gave her some advice, sir, nothing more.

King.
Advice, nine times in ten's a horrid bore!

Prince.
A horrid boar! you touch her now more nearly.

King.
Upon my honour, she looks very queerly!

Queen.
What is the matter with you, Laidronetta?

Lai.
I felt a little faint, but now I'm better.

King.
You must have frightened her, she turned so pale;
About her husband is there any tale?

Bel.
I fear there is.

King.
(to Bellotta)
Unfold it, if you know!

Bel.
Pardon me, sir, I do but fancy so.

King.
Fancy a fiddlestick! In such a nation,
Why waste your time in dangerous speculation?
With banks all made of bullion, if you're wise,
Don't speculate—but promptly realise!

Bel.
My very counsel, sir; wed I would not,
If I were she, 'till I knew who and what.

King.
What signifies “Who's who?” She gets a lot
Of gold, and that proves she does know what's what.

Bel.
Why shirk, in proper form, his bride to meet?

Prince.
Is the gem false?—The Sovereign counterfeit?

Bel.
What's his estate, both personal and real?

Prince.
Is he a beau, or but a beau ideal!

King.
Make a mere nobody of such a King!
It's treason to imagine such a thing!
His conduct, in this case, quite orthodox is,
Monarchs are married frequently by proxies.
A question of the hand, and not the heart, is
Such jobs, between the high contracting parties.
(to Laidronetta)
Daughter, until the nuptial hour arrive,
About this grand metropolis we'll drive,
And see the lions, whilst we take the air,
Up Silver Street, and all round Golden Square.

(Exeunt all but Laidronetta)
Lai.
Farewell, who knows if we shall meet again?
I feel a faint cold fear thrill through each vein,
That almost freezes up the heat of life!
Of a green pig must I become the wife?
I'll call them back again to comfort me—
Pa, pa! Pooh! pooh! small comfort that would be.
Must I perforce be married to this monster?
No, no, this shall forbid the banns!

(draws a dagger)
Enter Fidelia.
Fid.
With conster-
—Nation I see my Princess in a pucker!

Lai.
Where shall I fly, for safety or for succour?

Fid.
Won't they consent, then? Is your father flint,
Your mother marble?

Lai.
No, I've had a hint
So horrible it shakes my very soul!
My husband, girl—

Fid.
In riches don't he roll?
I might say wallow!

Lai.
Ah! I fear you might!
(aside)
Wallow, indeed; she harps my fears aright.

Fid.
Then for reports why need you care two figs?
You'll have no end of money, please the pigs.

Lai.
The pigs! ah, me!

Fid.
Her tears still faster trickle!
What is the matter? Is King Emerald fickle?

Lai.
Alas! good wench, the danger is much greater.

Fid.
You don't say so—Oh! then I guess!—the traitor,
Whilst you accepted him, without misgiving,
Has got a wife, and seven brats all living.

Lai.
No, no, you'll never guess—therefore be mute,
Whilst I disclose to you—he is a brute,
I fear, but not of that peculiar kind.

Fid.
Oh! madam, such reports you mustn't mind.
The man has got a temper, I dare say,
Is rather fond of having his own way;
To his opinions obstinately wedded;
Some husbands are remarkably pig-headed.

Lai.
That's it, Fidelia! should I by ill-luck,
Marry a pig!

Fid.
I stare like one that's stuck.

Lai.
A green pig, that would make a showman's fortune,
At half a hog a head, shewn at Hogsnorton!

Fid.
You cannot this believe in sober sadness?

Lai.
I do!

Fid.
Oh! this is very moonstruck madness.
But to dispel your fear no time is fitter,
Behold! this way they bear the royal litter.

Lai.
Litter! each word goes to my very heart!

Fid.
Let you and me a moment stand apart,
And when to be unseen we're safe and certain,
Steal out, and take one peep behind the curtain.

Lai.
But you forget the warning and the fate
Of Psyche!

Fid.
Ma'am, the difference is great.
Her curiosity was very stupid,
E'en in the dark, she ought to have known Cupid.
Besides, she for a monster first mistook him,
And therefore had no right to overlook him!
But with a gentleman you thought you treated;
If he's four footed your hand is forfeited;
And you possess a right, as daylight clear,
To prove you've got the wrong pig by the ear!

(they retire)
Enter Slaves, bearing the litter, closely curtained, as before, attended by Lord Carbuncle—He makes a sign to the Slaves, who set down the litter under the trees and exeunt.
Fid.
(advancing)
Hail, great Carbuncle!

Lord C.
Pray don't make a din.

Fid.
What, is his precious Majesty within?

Lord C.
He is, and dozing.

Fid.
Dozing at this hour?

Lord C.
Yes, every day we bear him to this bower,
After his lunch, to take a short siesta,
Fanned by the gentle gale, a soft sou'-wester.

Fid.
(aside)
Sow-wester! Humph! the quarter is suspicious
For what is in the wind—but most propitious
The royal nap.

(makes sign to Laidronetta)
Lai.
(aside)
The wink to me she's tipping!

Fid.
(to Lord Carbuncle)
Would you oblige me with a golden pippin?

Lord C.
With pleasure.

(Exit)
Fid.
(to Laidronetta)
Now one peep, whate'er it cost.

(they withdraw the curtain, and discover the Green Serpent)
Lai.
(shrieking)
Ah! the Green Serpent.

Fid.
Murder!

(Exit)
Lord C.
(re-entering)
Treason!

(Exit)
Ser.
Lost!
Rash Laidronetta! Ah, what hast thou done?
By Magotine again the game is won.
Farewell, perhaps for ever!

(disappears—Thunder—Lightning)
The Fairy Magotine appears.
Mag.
Ha! ha! ha!
Well done, Princess, brava! bravissima!
I scarcely hoped to triumph so completely,
Now I can satisfy my vengeance sweetly.

Enter King, Queen, Prince, Bellotta, and Count.
King.
Who's kicked this precious row up in the sky,
And put their finger in the world's great eye?

Prince.
What, is the bride ready to go to church?

Mag.
No, for the bridegroom's left her in the lurch.

Queen.
The Fairy Magotine!

Mag.
Aye, madam, me.
An uninvited guest again, you see.
Sweep, ye wild hurricanes, these gimcrack shores,
And turn these fortune-hunters out of doors.
(Storm—The King, Queen, Prince, Bellotta, and Count fly in terror)
I, with my captive, to my caves basaltic,
Girt by the stormy billows of the Baltic.

The scene changes to

Scene Second.

—Basaltic Caverns.
Mag.
For seven long years, at least, here must you be
My captive and my slave.

Lai.
Ah, woe is me!
What have I done to merit such a fate?

Mag.
You are the daughter of a queen I hate!

Lai.
Of vengeance have you not had “quantum suff?”
Made me a scarecrow to all mortals.

Mag.
Stuff!
The other fairies with such virtues decked you,
My spell was scarcely able to affect you.
Men's eyes alone obeyed my magic arts,
Your goodness gave you power o'er their hearts;
E'en on a serpent it could make impression,
And but for this most lucky indiscretion,
You and that vile, insinuating viper
Had danced for joy, whilst I had paid the piper.

Lai.
How was your happiness by ours affected?

Mag.
King Emerald with scorn my hand rejected;
And I in you a favoured rival see.

Lai.
I'm sure you're welcome to him quite for me.
He's frightened me almost out of my senses.

Mag.
But he loves you, and that the worst offence is.
I've got you now though, both, beneath my thumb,
And I will work you for seven years to come.
Here, spin this tangled spider's web, and make
A net of it, that's strong enough to take
A salmon with—I want some fish for dinner.

Lai.
Madam, although a spinster, I'm no spinner,
But I will do the best that's in my power.
When will you want it, ma'am?

Mag.
In half an hour.

Air—Laidronetta—“Pray Goody.”
Pray, madam, please to calculate, unless the clock be wrong,
But thirty minutes half an hour supplies,
Remember spiders' webs are weak and fishing nets are strong,
And salmons much larger than flies.
Slimy, grimy work, I can't bear nigh me.
Fun you're making—sure you're taking out of me a rise.
Pray, madam, please to calculate, &c.

Mag.
No matter; for each thread you break, a day
Longer within this cave you'll have to stay.

(Exit)
Lai.
In half an hour? impossible!

The Fairy Benevolentia appears.
Ben.
Nay, try;
To love there's no impossibility!

Lai.
My goodness gracious, who is this fair dame?

Ben.
One of your dozen godmothers—my name
Benevolentia. To my gift you owe
The kindly heart that melts at others' woe.
And as to pity love is near akin,
Pity this wretched snake, and fearless spin.

The Green Serpent is seen.
Lai.
The snake again. Thou guileful monster, hence!

(Serpent retires)
Ben.
Guileful! How so? His love was no pretence.
Each syllable he spoke you've found too true,
For breach of promise he might well sue you.
Your word was pledged to take him upon trust,
For better or for worse.

Lai.
Own that I must.
But he is so much worse than I believed him.

Ben.
He'd have been better had you not deceived him.
Prove by compassion you've your fault repented,
And Magotine may yet be circumvented.

Lai.
If I have wrong'd him, I apologise,
I wouldn't hurt a worm of any size!

Ben.
Enough! Spin web, weave net, in half a minute,
And Magotine herself we may catch in it!
(the web disappears from spindle, and the net is seen hanging on the wall)
Adieu! Remember, love should love be won by,
And the best rule is, “do as you'd be done by.”

(disappears)
Lai.
Well, when the poet wrote “nil admirari,”
He certainly had never known a fairy.
Or else, as but too frequently the fact is,
He preached to others what he couldn't practise.
The web is spun, and a strong net made of it,
And I am to receive the whole net profit!
Such liberality what can surpass?
The poor snake, too, was no snake in the grass.
But though of fearful aspect and dimensions,
A serpent of most praiseworthy intentions!
Under a great mistake he oft may labour
Who from appearances condemns his neighbour.

Enter Fairy Magotine.
Mag.
So, how gets on the work? The time is nigh,
How often have you snapped the thread? reply!

Lai.
Not once—the whole web I found nothing frail in,
And there's a net that you may catch a whale in!

Mag.
A whale! That's very like a whale, forsooth!
(seeing net)
(aside)
Furies and fire! I vow she speaks the truth!
Can she have made these meshes single-fisted,
Or has she been by some sly elf assisted?
(aloud)
Upon my word, you are so vastly clever,
To find some job for you I must endeavour,
Worthy your ingenuity. What ho!
Cast me those iron shoes up from below.
(an Elf rises holding a pair of iron shoes)
Screw her feet into them.
(the Elf obeys—Laidronetta screams)
Oh fie! don't squall
Pride must be pinched; a shoe can't be too small.
Now bring a mill-stone, from the ruins nigh,
And round her neck the pretty bauble tie!
(a mill-stone is brought, and fastened round her neck)
There! for your journey now you are equipped
So take this pitcher by you to be dipped
In the pure water of the silver fountain,
Which plays upon the top of the steel mountain,
Fill with a quart of it this broken jug,
And bring it here, with your own ugly mug.
Hence!

Lai.
But the road?

Mag.
Your iron shoes will shew—
The cunning soles no other way will go!

Duettino—“Macbeth.”
Mag.

Lai.
(looking at the hole in it)

Mag.

Lai.

(Exit Laidronetta)
Mag.
Now! either like the rest, her crown she'll crack,
Or bring the water I so long for, back!
A few drops only o'er my person sprinkled,
I shall no more with age be bent and wrinkled,
But the possessor of a face and form
Which must the stony heart of Emerald warm.
How I shall laugh if my spell prove strongest.

(Exit)
The Fairy Benevolentia appears, and takes down the net.
Ben.
Song—Air—“Farewell to the Mountain.”

(Exit with net)

Scene Third.

—Rocky Pass, and Foot of the Steel Mountain—Storm raging.
Enter Prince Prettiphello and Bellotta.
Prince.
O Fortune! well may mortals call you fickle!
Your Prettiphello's in a pretty pickle.

Bel.
Papa and ma are in the same sweet mess.

Prince.
The same ejectment, and the same distress,
Have thrown us on this parish, quite unknown,
Too poor to have a Union of its own.

Bel.
It serves us right, my sister would declare,
For having broken up her union there.
Not that we even overcharged the picture,
The green boar turned out a green boa constrictor;
I'd rather, were I forced a choice to make,
Pig with a pig, than go snacks with a snake!

Prince.
As to the King, who thought such wealth to sack,
The blow has given his cranium quite a crack;
His talk is all of money, but so queer,
I really think he must have seen King Lear.

Enter King, Queen, and Count.
King.
Blow winds and crack your cheeks, the clouds go spout!
To raise the wind, and get a good blow out.
Rain cats and dogs, or pitchforks perpendicular,
The sky's not mine, and needn't be particular.
I tax not you, ye elements, you pay
No duty under schedules D or A,
You owe me no subscription. Funds may fall,
It makes no difference to you at all.

Bel.
Gracious, papa! don't stand here, if you please.

Queen.
“Things that love night, love not such nights as these.”
Persuade him to move on, Prince Prettiphello.

Prince.
Are you aware, sir, you have no umbrella?

(rain)
King.
A thought has struck me, rather entertaining,
I am a King more rained upon than reigning.
My wits are going fast!

Queen.
I fear 'tis so.

Prince.
Take comfort, ma'am, there are so few to go.
Would that our loss was nothing more, alas!

King.
What, have his daughters brought him to this pass?

Count.
He has no daughters, sir.

King.
'Sdeath! don't tell fibs!
He must have one who won't down with the dibs,
Although she's made of money! Nothing I know
Bothers your gig so much as want of rhino.

Prince.
His head's quite turned with losing all that pelf.

King.
For coining they can't touch the King himself.

Queen.
Here's a dry cavern, if he would but cross over.

King.
I'd talk a word or two with this philosopher!
What is the price of stocks?

Prince.
Mine are but low.
Suppose you just walk in, some here may know.

King.
A famous dodge! For ninety millions draw
A bill at sight upon my son-in-law,
And then—bolt—bolt—bolt—bolt.

(Exeunt King into cavern, followed by Queen, &c.)
Enter Fidelia.
Fid.
Air—“Trab, Trab.”

Enter Laidronetta.
Lai.
Well, I can't say I'd take this walk by choice!

Fid.
Out and alas, it is my lady's voice!

Lai.
Fidelia?

Fid.
Oh! what words my joy can measure

Lai.
This is, indeed, an unexpected pleasure!

Fid.
But what's this stone about your neck I see?

Lai.
About a hundred weight, it seems to me.

Fid.
And on your feet, what horrid clogs to use!

Lai.
You wouldn't much like standing in my shoes.

Fid.
Off with both shoes and stone.

Lai.
I can't, they're spell bound,
And so am I, to seek a magic well, bound,
Upon the summit of a steep Steel Hill,
And with its water this old pitcher fill.

Fid.
This pitcher! Why 'tis cracked, and so must he
Who sent you on this crazy errand be.

Lai.
Not he—the person's feminine in gender,
For the vindictive Magotine's the sender!
The Serpent's tale was true; I now my folly see,
And feel that honesty's the safest policy.

Fid.
I was your counsel,—I will share your sentence.

Enter Fairy Benevolentia, with the net.
Ben.
Nay, for too late can never come repentance,
When 'tis sincere.

Fid.
A fairy, for a shilling!

Ben.
To hold the Serpent harmless are you willing?

Lai.
Too happy!

(the moon appears, and by her light the Steel Mountain seen at the back of the stage)
Ben.
Then behold the steep Steel Hill,
Up which no human Jack or mortal Jill
Ever yet went to fetch a pail of water
But Jack fell down, and Jill came tumbling a'ter.
But upon this occasion I will shew
To what length snakes, who are in love, can go.
(waves her wand—the Serpent appears)
Stand and unfold thyself, and never stop,
Till made a winding staircase to the top.

(the Serpent glides up the centre of the mountain, forming a succession of coils like steps to the summit)
Fid.
Is there alive a more obliging adder,
To make his scaly back a scaling ladder.

Lai.
For the Sea Serpent he might well be shown!

Fid.
The greatest stretch of kindness ever known.

Lai.
To such extent when friendship is displayed,
Lawyers would call it “an extent in aid!”

Ben.
Now boldly up, and in the well dip thrice
The broken jug—but take a friend's advice;
Don't drink or touch a drop of water till
You've got in safety once more down the hill.

(music—Laidronetta ascends the coils of the Serpent, and disappears at the top of the mountain)
Air.—Fidelia—“Such a getting up stairs.”
Such a getting up stairs, and a playing on the serpent,
Such a getting up stairs I never did see!
The course is clear, the ruck must yield,
She backs her favourite 'gainst the field.
She'll win the cup, full to the brim!
I must own—“all along of him!”
Such a getting upstairs, &c.

(Laidronetta descends, divested of the mill-stone and iron shoes, and bearing a golden vase in her hand, full of water)
Lai.
(to Snake)
A thousand thanks; I hope I didn't hurt you.
Oh! madam, (to Fairy)
of this spring behold the virtue—
The first dip that I took into the well,
Down with a splash the heavy mill-stone fell;
The second dip, off went my iron shoes!
And, at the third, the broken earthen cruse
Changed in an instant to this vase of gold,
And down I've brought it, full as it will hold!

Ben.
The water in it has a wond'rous charm,
And as you use it works for good or harm.
Apply it outwardly, and all will see
That you're as handsome as you need to be;
But taken inwardly, with all your heart,
'Twill to yon Serpent happiness impart.
Choose—you can do whichever you like best,
Seem yourself beautiful, or make him blest.

Fid.
Upon my word a puzzling situation!

Lai.
No, I decide, ma'am, without hesitation,
(to Snake)
Since I can serve you, here's my service to you;
Your health, poor Snake, and much good may it do you.

(drinks)
Ben.
Well done! such actions beautiful must make you
In all men's eyes, and none will hence mistake you.
The Serpent disappears—The scene changes to a magnificent Fairy Garden, and King Emerald appears, surrounded by his Court.
Behold your spouse; love him perhaps you can.

Fid.
Oh, Gemini! a jewel of a man!

Enter Fairy Magotine, with her Elves.
Mag.
My patience is exhausted! Where's this jade?
How now? What's here to do? False stars! betrayed!
The charm dissolved! the Serpent cast his skin!

Fid.
He has jumped out, and you may now jump in.

Ben.
Malicious hag, who snares for others set.
Be as you should be, caught in your own net!
(puts the net over Magotine)
And by your own bad spirits live tormented!
(Magotine and her Elves sink)
(to Laidronetta)
By Hymen now your bliss shall be cemented.
Share with King Emerald his island throne,
A richer jewel it could never own.
Your selfish kin for your sake, I forgive.
Approach!
Enter King, Queen, Bellotta, Prince, and Count.
And mark this maxim while you live—
If mortals would be happy here below,
The surest way is making others so!

Finale—“Crown Diamonds.”
Lai.

Ben.

Fid.

Lai.

Fid.

All.

Brilliant Discovery of the Crown Jewels in the Palm of Success—Tableau.