University of Virginia Library

ACT I.

SCENE I.

Enter AGORASTOCLES and MILPHIO.
AGORASTOCLES.
Milphio , to you I often have intrusted
Matters of doubt, which wanted much advice;
They by your wisdom, labour, kindness, care,
And art, have all succeeded to my wish;
For which good deeds, I own I owe to you
Your liberty, and many thanks to boot.

Mil.
Old sayings, timely introduc'd, are clever,
Pye-crust and promises are made, 'tis said
But to be broken: now you wheedle me;
Your promises are sieves; they won't hold water;
Meer words of course; meer castles in the air.
But yesterday you wore out three bull thongs
Upon my hide—

Ago.
I am in love; and what
Through love I did, you should forgive, my Milphio.

Mil.
Nothing more just.—Why, now I am in love
O'er head and ears; let me give you a drubbing,
As you did me, and for no fault at all.
You should, you know, forgive a man in love.

Ago.
Why, if you long, and it will give you pleasure,
I give consent; bind, tye me up and scourge me.
You've my permission—

Mil.
Ay, but when you're loos'd,
If that permission you should then revoke,
I shall be hang'd.

Ago.
And dare I serve you so?
Whene'er I see you scourg'd, each stroke gives pain.

Mil.
I'm sure I feel that pain.

Ago.
And so do I.

Mil.
I would you felt it all. But what's your pleasure?

Ago.
Why should I lye? I love immoderately.

Mil.
Yes, yes, my back is sensible of that.

Ago.
I tell you, I'm in love with Adelphasium,
Our neighbour here, this pandar's eldest girl.

Mil.
You told me that before.

Aga.
I'm on the rack
With my desire—But Lycus, that vile pandar,
Her master—Dirt itself is not more dirty—

Mil.
Would you present him with some mischief now?

Ago.
With all my heart.

Mil.
Present him then with me.

Ago.
Go, hang yourself.

Mil.
But tell me now in earnest:
Say, would you wish to be a plague to him?

Ago.
I would.

Mil.
Send but this self-same me, I'll see,
He shall have plague and mischief too.

Ago.
You joke!

Mil.
Wish you, without all loss or charge of yours,
To see your mistress free?

Ago.
I wish it, Milphio.

Mil.
I'll see it done. Three hundred Philippæans,
Gold ones, you have within.

Ago.
Six hundred too.

Mil.
Three hundred are enough—

Ago.
Well then, and what
Will you do with them?—

Mil.
Peace! The pandar whole,
And with him, his whole family, I mean
This day to you a present—

Ago.
By what way?

Mil.
I'll let you know—Your bailiff Collybiscus
Is now in town: this pandar knows him not.
D'you understand?

Ago.
I understand your words—
But I'm quite ignorant of what you drive at.

Mil.
Ignorant?

Ago.
Troth, I am—

Mil.
Then I'll inform you.
Give him the gold to carry to the pandar:
And with it, let him say, that he's a stranger
Come from some other town, with a desire
To gratify an amorous inclination;
And wants some private place, where he may freely
Indulge his appetite. Greedy of the money,
The avaricious rogue will take him in;
And man and gold conceal.

Ago.
I like the plot.

Mil.
You'll ask him, if your slave is in the house:
Me, he'll suppose you mean; and answer, no.
No doubt then, but he'll be adjudg'd a thief;
And fin'd to pay of both the double value,
The slave and money.—He can't raise the sum:
Him then, and his whole family to you
The Prætor will decree in open court;
And thus our wolfish pandar's in a pit.

Ago.
I like the scheme.

Mil.
You'll like it more, when more
I've polish'd it—At present 'tis but rough.

Ago.
Unless you want me, Milphio, I am going
To Venus' temple; 'tis her feast to-day.

Mil.
I know it is.

Ago.
To see the courtezans;
And feast my eyes with harlot-finery.

Mil.
No, first begin the action of our plot.
Let's in, and well instruct your Collybiscus
How to behave, and carry on the cheat—

Ago.
Tho' love's my master, you I will obey.

Mil.
And I'll take care you shan't repent the deed.
[Exit Agorastocles.
There is in this man's heart a spot of love,
Which by no means can e'er be wash'd out clean,
Without much loss to somebody—And Lycus,
That wicked pandar here's a proper person.
At him the bolt of mischief is well aim'd,
And soon I'll draw the string. See, Adelphasium,
And Anterastilis are coming hither.
The foremost's she has turn'd my master's brain.
I'll call him—Agorastocles! Holla!
If you would see the sweetest games, come forth.

Re-enter AGORASTOCLES.
Ago.
What is this bustle, Milphio?

Mil.
'Tis your mistress,
If you would see her.

Ago.
May the gods reward you,
Who offer to my view this charming sight!

SCENE II.

Enter ADELPHASIUM, ANTERASTILIS, and an ATTENDANT.
Adel.
The man that wants employment in abundance,
Let him procure a woman and a ship;
For no two things can furnish you more business;
Especially when you begin to rig them.
These are two things are never rig'd enough;
Nor is there any end of't, they so love it.
And this I speak from very late experience;
For we from dawn, from peep of day, till now,
Have never given intermission to
Our washing, rubbing, wiping, smoothing, dressing,
Polishing, painting, forming of our features;
And yet we had two handmaids to assist us,
Washing and cleaning—We quite tir'd two men
With bringing water—Fie upon't! What plague
One single female gives: but two I know,
Can for a nation find full work enough;
Who night and day, thro' every stage of life
For ever wash, and wipe and dress, and deck.
In short, the golden mean's no rule for us:
We know no end of washing and of rubbing.
And she who only is wash'd clean, and not
Thoroughly dress'd, passes, I think, for dirty—

Ant.
I am amaz'd to hear you talk so, sister:
You, who're so witty, circumspect and wise:
For when with nicest art we've trick'd ourselves,
Do all we can, we scarce can find us lovers.

Adel.
Why that is true—But ever think on this.
In every thing, the golden mean is best.
Excess in its own nature, is a plague;
A manifest vexation to mankind—

Ant.
The men (I prithee, sister, think on this)
Deem us, like salt-fish, without taste or sweetness;
Unless well soak'd in water, they are so rank,
So salt, one cannot touch 'em. Such are we,
Tasteless, and graceless without cost and dress.

Mil.
In my opinion, Agorastocles,
[apart.]
This girl here is an arrant cook—She knows
To freshen salt-fish—

Ago.
Don't be troublesome.

Adel.
Peace, sister, pray: let others talk so of us;
And let us not ourselves proclaim our foibles—

Ant.
Well, I have done—

Adel.
I love you for't—But answer;
Are all things ready here, to make the gods
Propitious to us?—

Ant.
I've taken care of all.

Ago.
How fine a day! how charming, how delightful,
Worthy of Venus' self, whose feast it is!

Mil.
Nothing for me, who call'd you to this sight?—
[apart to Ago.]
Don't I deserve a cask of good old wine?
Come, say you give it me: Ha! not a word?
He has lost his tongue, I think: Why, what the deuce!
You stand astonish'd.

Agor.
Suffer me to love:
And don't disturb me—Prithee hold your tongue.

Mil.
I'm dumb.

Agor.
Had you been so, you'd ne'er have said so.

Ant.
Come sister, let's be going.—

Adel.
Ha! my dear!
Why that way are you hurrying?

Ant.
Do you ask?
Our master's waiting us at Venus' temple.

Adel.
Why, let him wait—The altar's crouded now.
You would not sure, squeeze in 'mongst bakers strumpets,
Old worn out punks, wretches with train oyl greas'd;
Low dirty slaves that stink of their own filth,
Whom ne'er a freeman would take home, nor touch,
The penny drabs of little dirty slaves.

Mil.
Be hang'd—And dare you too to spurn at us?
A punk!—As if she was a beauty!—As if
Herself was fit for princes!—O prodigious!—
A pigmy thus to throw out words so big!—
A wench, for whom I would not give a straw!—

Ago.
O ye immortals!—Gods omnipotent!
What greater beauty is with you above?
What have you there, that I should ever think
You more immortal than myself, whose eyes
Are ravish'd with such exquisite delight.
Venus above is Venus now no longer.
To this true Venus will I pray henceforward
With eyes of love, propitious to regard me.
Milphio! where are you?

Mil.
Present to your asking.

Ago.
A pretty present!

Mil.
You are merry, Sir.

Ago.
I learn this from you—

Mil.
From me do you learn
To love the girl whom you have never touch'd?
That's nothing new to you—

Ago.
I love the gods,
And fear 'em, yet restrain th'unhallow'd touch.

Ant.
By Castor! when I look on our attire,
We're dress'd so ill, it grieves me.

Adel.
Well enough!
Dress'd for our master's gain, and our own too—
Where the expence exceeds, there are no gains.
In dress; enough is better than too much.

Ago.
Now may the gods so love me, Milphio, as
I'd rather she should love me, than the gods.
This woman would constrain a flint to love her.

Mil.
You've hit the mark; for you, who love her so,
Are senseless as a flint.

Ago.
But witness for me,
I never yet have soil'd her lips with kisses.

Mil.
I'll hie me therefore to a pool or lake,
And get some soil.

Ago.
Some soil? And what to do?

Mil.
I'll tell you what—To soil her lips and yours.

Ago.
Go to the gallows!

Mil.
I'm next that already.

Ago.
Do you persist?

Mil.
I'm hush.

Ago.
Be ever so.

Mil.
At my own game you challenge me, and yet
Make game of me yourself.

Ant.
Now you may think
Yourself well dress'd, good sister; but you'll sigh,
When others, on comparison, are finer.

Adel.
I find no envy, sister, in my frame,
And a good disposition far prefer
To gold: for gold's the gift of fortune: goodness
Of disposition, is the gift of nature.
Rather than wealth, may I be bless'd with virtue.
O, modesty becomes us more than scarlet;
And is a brighter ornament than gold.
Bad manners soil the finest dress, e'en worse
Than dirt; but virtuous ones, do by their deeds,
Brighten the foulest.

Ago.
Milphio! do you hear?
Wilt play a merry prank?

Mil.
With all my heart.

Ago.
Take my advice—

Mil.
I will—

Ago.
Go home and hang
Yourself.

Mil.
And why?

Ago.
For that again, on earth,
Such honey dropping words you will not hear.
Why should you live?—Take my advice, and swing.

Mil.
If you'll swing by me, like a bunch of grapes.

Ago.
But I have reason good to live—I love
My Adelphasium—

Mil.
I to eat and drink.—

Adel.
[to Ant.]
Sister—

Ant.
What say you? What is your desire?

Adel.
Don't you observe my eyes, before not clear,
Are brilliant now?

Ant.
But here is something still,
I'th'middle of your eye.

Adel.
Lend me your hand.

Ago.
And do you rub those eyes with unwash'd hands?

Ant.
We've been too indolent to-day—

Adel.
And why?

Ant.
For that we did not come before 'twas light
To Venus' temple; and prefer our fire
First on her altar.

Adel.
Ah! no need of that.
It is for night-dark faces to seek night
For sacrifice. Before the goddess wakes
They speed their work; for were her eyes but open,
So ugly they, by Castor! they would fright
Venus, and drive her out from her own temple—

Ago.
Milphio!

Mil.
Poor Milphio is a wretch indeed.
Well, what with Milphio now?—

Ago.
Mark, I beseech you—
Her mouth drops honey.

Mil.
Nothing but tile cakes,
Indian corn, wheat, poppy and parch'd nuts.

Ago.
Think you I am in love?

Mil.
Yes, with your loss.
And that's what Mercury by no means loves.

Ago.
In love's trade sure we should not deal for gain!

Ant.
Come, sister, let's be going.

Adel.
As you please.
Follow me this way then.

Ant.
I follow you.

Ago.
They're moving. Shall we join 'em—

Mil.
Join 'em you.

Ago.
First, to the elder health, to you the next,
[coming up to them.]
Second in value, health; and health beside
[to the attendant.]
To you the third, whose value I don't count.

Attend.
Then have I lost my labour and my pains.

Ago.
Whither away?

Adel.
What I?—to Venus' temple.

Ago.
Why there?

Adel.
In order to appease the goddess.

Ago.
What! is she angry? Sure, it cannot be
But she's propitious; I will answer for her.

Adel.
What are you doing? Why do you teaze me thus?

Ago.
So cruel?—Ah!

Adel.
Forbear, I beg of you.

Ago.
Why in such haste?—The temple's crouded now.

Adel.
I know it is.—I would be seen and see.

Ago.
And take you pleasure to behold such frights,
Or to expose your beauties to their gaze?

Adel.
At Venus' temple it is Venus' fair;
There merchants meet, and I would shew myself.

Ago.
To goods unsaleable, the purchaser
Must be entic'd by art; but your choice wares
In corners tho' they lye, soon find a buyer.
But what is your intention?—At my home
When shall we lay our heads and sides together?

Adel.
That day when Pluto sends away the dead.

Ago.
I've got some money burning in my pocket.

Adel.
Give it to me, I soon will cool its heat.

Mil.
Smart that! in troth!

Ago.
Go, rascal, to the gallows!

Mil.
The more I look, the more she seems a bauble;
A topping of false hair.

Ago.
Prate to yourself.
You're tiresome—Come, lift up this veil of yours.

[to Adelphasium.]
Adel.
I'm purified in order to attend
The sacrifice—Nay, nay, hands off, I say.

Ago.
So—so—What now is to be done?

Mil.
What done?
Why, if you're wise, this matter end at once.

Ago.
What business is't of yours to intermeddle
In my affairs?—Say, Milphio, what art doing?

Mil.
[aside.]
This love's my plague!—What your commands with me?

Ago.
What think you is the reason she's so angry?

Mil.
Why she's so angry?—What care's that of mine?
That's your affair.

Ago.
'Tis over with you, rascal,
Unless you make her calm as is the sea,
When there the halcyon feeds her young.

Mil.
Well, say
What must I do?—

Ago.
Fawn, sooth, intreat.

Mil.
I will,
And that most heartily—But your ambassador,
Good now, don't give him, Sir, a dressing for it.

Ago.
Well, well, I'll not.

Adel.
Come, let us now be going—
Still do you stop me? 'Tis ill done of you—
[to Agorastocles.
Many fair promises you've made me, Sir,
And all in vain—You've sworn, not only once,
But sworn an hundred times to make me free.
While I on you depended thus, nor sought
For other aid, the aid you promis'd me
Appears not; and I still remain a slave.
Sister, pass on—Nay, leave me—

[to Agorast.
Ago.
Then I am ruin'd.
Ho! Milphio, what are you about?

Mil.
My joy,
My life, my dear, my pleasure, my delight,
[to Adelphasium.
My pigsney, my dear little lip, my health,
My heart, my honey, sweet as mother's milk,
Soft as cream-cheese—

Ago.
Shall I, before my face
Let him address her thus?—May I be tortur'd,
If I don't order he be whirl'd to th'hangman
I'th'racer's car—

Mil.
Nay, Madam, don't, I beg you,
On my account be angry with my master.

Adel.
By your good leave, I will.

Mil.
You're far too hasty.
He'll give much money for you—He will make you
A citizen of Athens, a free woman—

Adel.
Why don't you let us go—What would you say?
To those who wish us well, we wish the same.

Mil.
If heretofore he has deceiv'd you—now
You may in truth, rely upon his word.

Adel.
Begone, thou would'st trepan me—

Mil.
I obey.
On this condition tho': let me entreat you,
Let me but touch your ear, but kiss your hand:
I must, or make you kind, or make him weep.
He'll beat me too, I'm wofully afraid,
Unless I can prevail—Ay, that he will.
I know the crabbed manners of the man.
My sweetest creature, I beseech you then
Suffer yourself to be prevail'd upon.

Ago.
If I don't strait tear out that scoundrel's eyes,
Thrust his teeth down his throat, I'm not a man
Of three pence—There, take that, and this, you rascal.
[beats him.
This, for your honey, your delight, your heart;
This, for your health, your little lip, your darling.

Mil.
O impious! do you beat thus your ambassador?

Ago.
And more than this—I'll add to it, your pigsney,
Your little lip, your tongue.

Mil.
What, ne'er have done?

Ago.
Is this the way I bad you plead my cause?

Mil.
How should I then have pleaded?

Ago.
Do you ask?
Why, rascal! thus—You, this my master's joy,
I do beseech his little lip, his heart,
His darling, honey, and his mother's milk,
His tongue, his sweet cream cheese, yes, you whipt scoundrel,
His darling, you scourg'd rascal, his delight,
His heart. Whate'er you mention'd as your own,
You should have spoke as mine.

Mil.
Well, be it so.
I then intreat of you, my master's joy,
And my aversion—his fair-bosom'd friend,
My spiteful foe, his eye, my eye sore, honey
To him, my gall—With him be not you angry—
Or, if you cannot help it—

Adel.
Take a rope
And hang yourself, your master, and his slaves.

Mil.
So! now shall I, on your account, be forc'd
To feed on pottage! By your love, I've got
A back as hard as any oyster-shell.

Adel.
Would you that I should rather interpose
To save your back, than that he should be true.

Ant.
Give Agorastocles some gentle answer,
I beg you, that he may'nt be troublesome
To us—for he detains us from our business—

Adel.
You're right—Well, Sir, this one fault more I pardon.
I am not angry—

Ago.
Are you not indeed?

Adel.
Indeed, I'm not—

Ago.
Then, that I may believe you,
Seal but my pardon with a kiss.

Adel.
Anon,
When from the sacrifice I shall return.

Ago.
Therefore make haste.

Adel.
Come, sister, follow me.

Ago.
And hark ye! Pay my compliments to Venus.

Adel.
I will.

Ago.
And hear this too.

Adel.
What is it? say.

Ago.
Be your devotions short—And hear once more—
Turn—Look on me.—She turn'd towards me her eyes.
Venus for this, I trust, will look upon thee.

Exit Adel. Ant. and Attendant.

SCENE III.

Ago.
Well, Milphio, what advice d'ye give me now?

Mil.
Why, scourge me first, and then proclaim an auction.
E'en sell your house over your head at once.

Ago.
How so?

Mil.
Because your dwelling's in my mouth.

Ago.
Truce with this prate.

Mil.
What now is't you would have?

Ago.
E'en now I gave my bailiff Collybiscus,
But just before you call'd me from the house,
Three hundred Philippæans—I adjure you
By this right hand, and by its sister here,
This left; by your own eyes, and by my loves,
And by my Adelphasium, and by
Your liberty—

Mil.
Now you adjure by nothing.

Ago.
My little Milphio, my friend, my guardian.
Do what you promis'd; and point out the way
How I may ruin this procuring rascal.

Mil.
An easy task!—Go bring your witnesses;
While I within, with wiles and with disguise
Equip your bailiff for my plot.—Be gone—

Ago.
I fly—

Mil.
More like to be my case than yours.

Ago.
And should I not, if you play well your part—

Mil.
Only be gone.

Ago.
Your freedom give you!

Mil.
Go.
And not to do't this very day—Depart—

Ago.
I would not take as many pieces, I—

Mil.
You—Only go—

Ago.
As there are ghosts in hell—

Mil.
Still here?—

Ago.
Or drops of water in the sea—

Mil.
Will you depart or not?—

Ago.
Or clouds i'th'air—

Mil.
What will you ne'er have done?

Ago.
Or stars in heaven—

Mil.
Still din my ears?—

Ago.
I'd take nor this nor that,
Nor—in good earnest now—No, not by Hercules!
What need of many words? Or why not shorten—
Since here we may in one word speak out freely,
And yet not mean it seriously—But how?
'Tis thus—Now may the gods so love me!—
Would you I speak in honest faith and truth?—
Which here in private you and I may do?
May Jupiter so deal with me—D'you know
My meaning?—Do you look to that. And don't you
Believe the story now which I've been telling.

Mil.
If I can't make you go, I'll go myself.
This speech of yours hath need of Oedipus,
And Sphynx's riddle right interpreted—
[Exit Milphio.

Ago.
He's gone, and in a rage—I must beware
Lest in the way of my amour, I lay
A rub by my own fault—I'll e'en be gone
And fetch the witnesses—Where love commands,
Free tho' I am, my slave I will obey—

[Exit.