University of Virginia Library

ACT III.

SCENE I.

Enter AGORASTOCLES, and two WITNESSES.
AGORASTOCLES.
So may the gods be kind! as nothing more
Provokes a man, than a slow friend; especially
A man in love, who's always in a hurry.
Here lead I on these crawling witnesses,
Slower than loaded hulks in a calm sea.
My elder friends on purpose did I wave,
Knowing full well their age would make them slow,
So much delays I dreaded to my love.
In vain I chose these youngsters, slow as snails,
Who walk in gyves. [to them.]
If you'd be here to-day,
Come on—Or go and hang yourselves elsewhere.
Is this the expected gallop of a friend,
To help the impatience of a man in love?
Your steps are surely bolted through a sieve,
Unless you had been taught to walk in fetters.

Wit.
Hark you!—Tho' we plebeians seem, and poor,
Bespeak us fair; or, high and mighty Sir,
We want not courage to attack the wealthy.
Nor care we what it is you love or hate.
When we our freedom bought, our money paid for it,
Not yours—We ought to act as freemen, nor
Do value you a rush—Think not we'll be
Slaves to your passion—No—Free citizens
Should through the city walk a sober pace.
'Tis only fit for slaves to hurry on.
Now too, the state at peace, our foes no more,
'Twere shame to make a tumult in the streets—
Were you in such a hurry for our help,
You should have summon'd us the day before.
Think not that we shall bustle through the streets;
Nor have the mob throw stones at us for madmen.

Ago.
Had you been ask'd to dine here in the temple,
A running footman or a stag you'd pass—
But now because I said, as advocates
And witnesses I brought you, you are gouty,
And in slow motion have outdone a snail.

Wit.
And reason good, to run at such a rate
When we at free cost eat and drink our fill:
Since we make no return, but as we please.
Nevertheless, tho' we are poor, at home
We find sufficient—Treat us not with scorn.
Whate'er our little pittance is, 'tis all
At home, and we are neither dun'd, nor dun.
Not one of us will burst his veins for you.

Ago.
You are too warm—I spoke it but in jest.

Wit.
Then think it was in jest we answer'd you.

Ago.
Good now, give me a fly-boat, not a hulk.
Hobble at least—I may not say, make haste.

Wit.
Go soft and fair, you're welcome to our service;
But if you hurry, send for witnesses
From off the turf—

Ago.
You know th'affair—I've told you
Wherein I want your help—This pandar here,
Who has trick'd and baffled the poor lover long,
I think between my money and my servant
I have him fast—

Wit.
We know all this already.
If these spectators knew as much 'tis well.
To pleasure them, the Comedy is acted—
More proper then to give them information;
That when things come about, they understand them.
Never fear us—We know the whole affair—
We've learn'd our lesson with you, and can answer.

Ago.
That's true enough—But come—That I may know
You comprehend the business readily,
Repeat again what I've been saying to you.

Wit.
You're trying us?—D'you think we don't remember
You gave three hundred golden Philippæans
To Collybiscus, to your bailiff here,
To carry to your enemy the pandar?—
That he was to pretend he was a stranger,
And of some other city, far from hence?
When he has brought the gold, you thither go,
To re-demand your money and your slave.

Ago.
You have the whole by heart—You've sav'd my life.

Wit.
He'll deny all: will think you're seeking Milphio.
That doubly proves the theft: and the poor pandar
Decreed your slave—And this you'd have us witness?

Ago.
You take it right—

Wit.
The affair's so very small,
That we can scarcely take it 'twixt our fingers.

Ago.
This must be done with speed and expedition.
Then make all haste that possibly you can.

Wit.
Oh! fare thee well—Find nimbler witnesses;
We are too slow—

Ago.
You move exceeding well—
Did you but speak as fluently—I wish
[aside.
Your thighs were in your ancles.—

Wit.
We, your tongue
Were in your back, your eyes were in your feet.

Ago.
Marry! you should not be so very angry,
At what I said in jest—

Wit.
And you should not
Thus with your idle jests, ill treat your friends.

Ago.
Let's drop the argument—You know what I want.

Wit.
Full well—You would undo this perjur'd pandar.
'Tis that's your point.

Ago.
You take it very right.
And see, where opportunely, Milphio comes;
And Collybiscus too, my bailiff, with him:
He's admirably accouter'd for the plot.

SCENE II.

Enter MILPHIO, and COLLYBISCUS, dressed like a person of condition.
Mil.
[to Collybiscus.]
You have your lesson well by heart?—

Col.
Exactly.

Mil.
Take care you understand it.

Col.
No more words.
Why, your own legs don't understand you better.

Mil.
Come, practice all your speeches for the plot.

Col.
Tragic nor comic actor cannot be
More perfect—

Mil.
You're the man for me.

Ago.
I'll join them.
Here are my witnesses [to Milphio.]
all ready, see.

Mil.
You never could have found so many men,
Men fit for the purpose: they have no vacation:
Meer knights o'th'post—They always live in court,
And there you'll see them oftner than the Prætor.
There's not a man of law this day in Athens
More fit to stir up barratry than these—
For if no suits were found, these men would sow them.

Wit.
The Gods confound thee!

Mil.
[aside.]
You into the bargain.
By Hercules! in this you've acted kindly,
[to the witnesses.]
To aid my love-sick master—Are they well
[to Agorastocles.]
Instructed in this business?

Ago.
In the whole of it.

Mil.
Well, mind me then.—Know you this pandar, Lycus?

Wit.
Yes, perfectly.

Col.
I know him not by sight;
Pray, point him out—

Wit.
We shall take care of that.
We have our full instructions.

Ago.
Here he has got
[pointing to Collyb.]
Three hundred pieces in full tale.

Wit.
But we
Would see the money, Agorastocles,
To know what evidence to give anon.

Ago.
Then look upon't—'tis gold.

Col.
Spectators, troth
'Tis play-house gold: with this well steep'd, in Barbary
You might fat oxen—But for our design,
'Tis Philippæan—

Wit.
We'll pretend it is so.

Col.
Pretend too, that I'm a foreigner.

Wit.
And that
On your arrival here to-day, you ask'd us
To point you out a place, where in the joys
Of love and wine, you might indulge yourself—

Mil.
Thorough-pac'd rogues!

Ago.
For I've instructed them.

Mil.
And who instructed you?—

Col.
Come Agorastocles,
Go in, for fear the pandar should discover
That you are with me; some unlucky accident
May then bring on a hindrance of our plot.

Mil.
This man's exceeding wise!—Do as he bids you.

[to Agorastocles.
Ago.
Let's go—But you—Have I yet said enough?

[to the witnesses.
Col.
Pray go.

Ago.
I go—I ask!—Immortal gods!—

Col.
Why don't you go?

Ago.
I'm going—

Mil.
Wise to do so.

[Exeunt Ago. and Milphio.
Col.
Hist!—silence!—hist!

Wit.
What now?

Col.
The doors have done
A thing indecent.

Wit.
What d'ye say? indecent?

Col.
They've creak'd aloud.

Wit.
Confound you! get behind us.

Col.
It shall be so—

Wit.
Well, we walk first, you say.

Col.
So—These buffoons are playing their old game;
They're placing of their friends behind their backs.

Wit.
The man you see there coming out's the pandar.

Col.
He's a good man, he looks so like a rogue.
Now will I suck his blood, ev'n at this distance—

SCENE III.

Enter LYCUS.
Lyc.
Captain, I'll soon return—I fain would find
[speaking to Anthemonides within.]
Some pleasant rogues to make a jolly party.
Mean while they'll bring the entrails; and I fancy
The girls will be return'd from sacrifice.
But what's this croud? Do they bring any thing?
And who is he in regimentals there?
He is not of Ætolia.

Wit.
Save you, Lycus.
The compliment goes somewhat 'gainst the grain,
For pandars are a set of people, we
Have no great love for—

Lyc.
As it cannot be,
I wish you happy: but I'm very sure
Fortune will not permit it to be so—

Wit.
That's a fool's treasure hoarded in his tongue,
That thinks it profit to abuse his betters.

Lyc.
The man who does not know his way to sea,
Should always take a river for his guide.
I knew not how before to abuse you well;
You're rivers, and I'll surely follow you.
Bless you? I'll follow as your banks shall lead.
Curse you? You'll find me treading in your steps.

Wit.
To serve the bad, and hurt the good, alike
Is dangerous—

Lyc.
How so?

Wit.
I'll tell you how.
Do a bad man a service, 'tis all lost:
Injure the good, your grief will last an age—

Lyc.
Wittily said!—But how concerns it me?

Wit.
'Twas your concern that brought us for your sake,
Although we do not much admire your pandars.

Lyc.
If you bring ought of good, I thank you for it.

Wit.
Good of our own we neither bring nor give,
Nor promise you; nor wish you good from others—

Lyc.
Troth, I believe you now—So great's your bounty.
But what d'ye want?—

Wit.
This man that you see here
In regimentals, Mars is angry with.

Lyc.
Would he were so with you!

Wit.
We bring him, Lycus,
To you for slaughter.

Col.
[aside.]
So—To-day the sportsman
Will have some game to carry home—The dogs
Will fairly drive the wolf into the toils.

Lyc.
Who is he?

Wit.
All we know of him is this:
Going to port, long after break of day,
We saw him landing from a merchant man.
He came to us directly from the ship;
Saluted us—which we return'd.

Col.
The rogues!—
How artfully they enter on the plot!

[aside].
Lyc.
What follow'd?—

Wit.
Why he join'd discourse with us—
Told us he was a stranger; with the town
Quite unacquainted: wish'd some place convenient
To indulge his taste—We've brought the man to you;
And, if the gods be but propitious to you,
Here is the rarest opportunity to make
Your market—

Lyc.
Ay—Is he so very eager?

Wit.
He's flush of money.

Lyc.
Yes, I have him sure.

Wit.
In love and wine he'd fain indulge himself.

Lyc.
A dainty place I'll find for him.

Wit.
But he
Desires to be quite private; none to know it,
No looker on—For, as he says himself,
He was a soldier of king Attalus
In Sparta; and fled thence but now, the city
Having surrendered—

Col.
Soldiers excellent!
Sparta tops all—

Lyc.
May gods and goddesses
Rain blessings on you for your good advice,
And giving to our hands so rich a prey—

Wit.
Besides, he has brought home provender, he tells us,
Three hundred pieces, golden Philippæans,
To be receiv'd the better—

Lyc.
I'm a king,
If I can draw this fellow in to-day.

Wit.
He's certainly your own—

Lyc.
I beg, by Hercules!
You'd recommend my house; it is the best.

Wit.
'Tis unbecoming us, or to persuade
Or to dissuade a stranger—If you're wise,
Do your own business—We have lur'd the ring-dove
Quite to your barn-floor—If you'd have him caught,
Best now yourself to catch him.

Lyc.
Are you going
So soon—

Col.
The affair I have intrusted to you,
My friends—

Wit.
You'd better talk to him, young man.
He is well skill'd in what you have in view.

Col.
I wish, when I deliver him the gold
[to the witnesses.]
You would take notice.

Wit.
We shall there at distance
Observe it well—

Col.
[aloud.]
For your good office, thanks!

Lyc.
[aside.]
The game will all be mine.—

Col.
[aside.]
Yes! that's according
As the ass kicks!

Lyc.
'Tis fit I speak him fair.—
The host salutes his guest—and bids him welcome.
I'm glad you are arriv'd in safety.

Col.
May the gods bless you, since you wish me well.

Lyc.
I'm told you want a lodging—

Col.
'Tis the thing
I'm looking for.

Lyc.
'Twas what your friends inform'd me,
Who went hence now—You'd have it free from flies—

Col.
By no means—

Lyc.
Why?

Col.
If that had been the case,
I would have gone directly to a jail.
No; I am looking out for such a one,
Where I may be more delicately treated;
More tenderly, than ever were the guests
Of king Antiochus.

Lyc.
I can provide you
One that will suit your taste, if you can like
In a sweet place, a sopha neatly dress'd,
A witty merry lass—

Col.
You're in the right road, pandar—

Lyc.
Where with Leucadian, Lesbian, Thasian, Coan,
Toothless with time, you may bedew your clay
An age: there costly unguents still I'll pour.
The o'erseer of the bath where you shall bathe,
In short shall heap a shop of perfumes on you—
But what I've said is something mercenary—

Col.
How so?

Lyc.
Because they must have money down.

Col.
You'll not receive more gladly than I give.

Lyc.
Follow me in then—

Col.
Lead me in then you,
For I am yours, to your good pleasure bound—

[Lycus and Collybiscus go apart.]
Wit.
Suppose we call out Agorastocles;
That he himself may be a witness, one
Without exception—Ho!—you thief-catcher,
Come out directly, haste; that you yourself
May see the money given to the pandar.

SCENE IV.

Enter AGORASTOCLES.
Ago.
What now?—The matter?—

Wit.
Look there to the right;
Your slave is counting out the gold to Lycus.

Col.
[to Lycus.]
Come, take 'em, come; here are three hundred pieces,
All ready cash. We call them Philippæans.
For these I would be entertain'd—I'd have them
Spent speedily—

Lyc.
By Pollux! you have found
A liberal steward, fitted to your purpose.
Come, let's go in—

Col.
I'll follow you.

Lyc.
March on—
Within we will discourse of what remains.

Col.
I'll tell you of our Spartan politicks—

Lyc.
Why, therefore follow me.

Col.
Lead you the way—
You hold me in a string—

[Exeunt Lycus and Collybiscus.
Ago.
Well, what advise
You now?—

Wit.
That you be temperate with your fortune.

Ago.
What if my inclination won't permit?

Wit.
Then, be it as it may—

Ago.
You saw the pandar,
When he receiv'd the gold?

Wit.
We did—

Ago.
You know
This is my slave—

Wit.
Yes, that we do—

Ago.
It is,
You know, against the laws—

Wit.
Beyond a doubt.

Ago.
Mind then—All this I wish you to remember
Before the Prætor; where 'twill be of use.

Wit.
We will.

Ago.
Suppose I knock now at the door,
While the affair is warm?—

Wit.
It would be right.

Ago.
If I should knock, he will not open it.

Wit.
Then break it open with your foot.

Ago.
Should he
Come forth, it would be right to enquire of him
Whether my slave is there or no?

Wit.
Why not?

Ago.
And with two hundred golden Philippæans?

Wit.
Why not?

Ago.
That question leads him wrong—

Wit.
In what?

Ago.
D'ye ask—Because I've sunk an hundred pieces—

Wit.
You judge quite right—

Ago.
He'll think I am enquiring
For some one else—

Wit.
Undoubtedly.

Ago.
And will
At once deny it.

Wit.
Ay, upon his oath.

Ago.
And in the guilt of theft involve himself.

Wit.
Doubtless.

Ago.
The theft of all he has receiv'd—

Wit.
Why not?

Ago.
Now Jove confound you with your why nots!

Wit.
And why not you?

Ago.
Then will I go and knock.

Wit.
Why not?

Ago.
Time we were dumb—Hark! the door creaks.
He's coming out, I see—the rascal, Lycus—
Come this way, pray—

Wit.
Why not?—And, if you please,
Let's veil our heads, lest he should find us out;
Who have decoy'd him into such a scrape.

SCENE V.

Enter LYCUS.
Lyc.
Let all diviners now go hang themselves.
Why should I henceforth credit what they say?
Who, in the sacrifice, e'en now foretold
Some dreadful loss, and some dire mischief toward—
Since when, I have increas'd my fortune.

Ago.
Save you!

Lyc.
May the gods bless you, Agorastocles!

Ago.
You greet me now more civilly than usual.

Lyc.
'Tis now a calm; as 'tis at sea sometimes—
I'm always us'd to shift the sail to windward.

Ago.
I hope the women are all well at home.
For thee—I care not.

Lyc.
Well enough they are:
But not for you.

Ago.
Send me this day, I prithee,
This celebrated, famous day, this feast
Of Venus, send me Adelphasium.

Lyc.
Say, has your dinner burnt your mouth to-day?

Ago.
How's that?

Lyc.
Because your question only serves
To cool your chaps—

Ago.
Pandar, attend—I hear
My slave's with you—

Lyc.
With me! You'll never find
That fact—

Ago.
You lye.—He came to you, and brought
Some money to you—This was told to me
By those whom I can trust—

[pointing to the witnesses.]
Lyc.
You are a bite:
And come to ensnare me with your Witnesses.
There's nought of yours, people or property,
At my house—

Ago.
Witnesses, remember that.

Wit.
We'll not forget it.

Lyc.
[laughing.]
Now I smoke this plot.
I smelt a rat before—These are the men
Who recommended me the Spartan stranger;
'Tis that has fir'd their brains; as, by his means,
I am to get three hundred Philippæans.
And, as they know this man to be my enemy,
They've set him on to say it is his slave
Who brought the gold, and is at home with me.
'Tis all a form'd contrivance how to chouse me;
And to divide the plunder 'mongst themselves.
From the wolf's jaws they'd snatch the lamb—They're fools.

Ago.
Do you deny my money and my slave
Are at your house?

Lyc.
I do deny it, flat;
And would till I was hoarse, were there occasion—

Wit.
You're in a cleft stick, pandar—'Tis his bailiff
We told you was the Spartan, and who brought you
Three hundred Philippeans; and the money
Is in that purse—

Lyc.
The plague now light upon you.

Wit.
That has already lighted upon you.

Ago.
Hang-dog! give up the purse—You're prov'd a thief,
You're taken with the manner—Pray attend,
[to the witnesses.]
And see me bring my slave out of his house.

[goes into the Lycus's house.]
Lyc.
Now I'm undone indeed—Without a doubt,
This snare was laid designedly to catch me.
But why do I delay to hang myself,
E're neck and heels I'm dragg'd before the Prætor—
Out on't! what sad soothsayers I have had!
If ought of good they promise, it comes slowly;
If ought of ill, it speeds with instant hast—
Now will I go, consult my friends, which way,
They think the very best—to hang myself.
[Exit Lycus.

SCENE VI.

Re-enter AGORASTOCLES, driving out COLLYBISCUS.
Ago.
Walk out here, that the witnesses may see
[to Collybiscus.]
You come from thence—Well! is not this my slave?

[to the witnesses.]
Col.
Most truly, Agorastocles, I am—

Ago.
What now, thou wicked pandar!

Wit.
With whom d'ye rate thus?
He's sneak'd away—

Ago.
I hope, sneak'd to the gallows.

Wit.
We hope so too—

Ago.
I'll summon him to court
To-morrow—

Col.
Any more commands for me?

Ago.
Go; you may take your regimentals with you.

Col.
I was not made a soldier then in vain.
I got a little plunder there within.
While the rogue's family was fast asleep,
I made a noble meal upon the entrails.
And now I'll march off home.

Ago.
My friends,
You've kindly dealt with me, and lent me too
Your fair assistance—I beseech you meet me
Early to-morrow in the court—You follow me.
[to Collybiscus.]
Farewell to both—

[to the witnesses.]
Wit.
The same farewell to you.
[Exeunt Agor. and Col.]
He does us a notorious wrong to think
We are to serve him at our own expence.
Such is the disposition of our rich ones!
Serve them, their thanks are lighter than a feather;
Offend them, and their vengeance falls like lead.
Come, let us home; since we have done our work,
And ruin'd this corrupter of our youth.

[Exeunt.]