University of Virginia Library

ACT IV.

SCENE I.

Enter Master of the Wardrobe, as Chorus.
MAST. CHOR.
'Troth, Phædromus has got an arch rogue there;
A sly informer—But by sea or land
Rather, I know not which I should pronounce him.
I fear I shan't get back the dresses lent him.
No matter! I have nought to do with him,
I trusted them to Phædromus. However,
I'll keep a watchful eye. 'Till he comes out,
Lest you should take unnecessary trouble,
[to the spectators.
I'll shew you where to find all sorts of men,
Or bad or good, or honest men or rascals.
Whoe'er wants one to swear through thick and thin,
I send him to law-courts—A lying boaster
You'll find not far from Cloacina's altar.
Your prodigal rich husbands you must look for
At the Exchange. There too you'll find stale harlots,
Ready for any bargain. Stewards of clubs
Are ever at the fish-markets. Your rich,
Your good men, at the bottom of the Forum.
In th'middle you shall have, near the canal,
Meer braggarts, bold, loquacious—'Bove the lake,
Malevolent and foul-mouth'd fellows, such
As boldly deal out slander without cause:
Yet give sufficient matter unto others,
To form true accusations against them.
At the old shops, are those who lend out money,
Or borrow it, on usury—Behind
The temple of Castor, those you'll not trust easily.—
In Tuscan street are such as sell themselves,
The baker, butcher, or the augurer.
In the oil-market, those who cheat mankind,
Or lay it in men's way to cheat themselves.
In th'Oppian Leucadia, are rich husbands,
Who, by extravagance are now reduc'd
To poverty. But hark! the door there creaks!
'Tis time, it seems, for me to hold my tongue.

[Exit.

SCENE II.

Enter CURCULIO, leading in PLANESIUM, LYCO and CAPPADOX.
Cur.
Maiden, go on before—For what's behind me
I can't observe. Her jewels and her cloaths,
The captain said, and every thing she had,
Were his.

Cap.
Why, who denies it?

Cur.
Not amiss
I should remind you tho'.

Lyc.
Remember too
Your promise, that if any one lay claim
To her as free, the money be return'd,
The thirty minæ.

Cap.
As to that be easy:
I shall remember it—and now repeat it.

Cur.
I'd have you to remember the same thing.

[to Cappadox.
Cap.
I do: and give you warrant for't—

Cur.
What warrant.
From a procurer? You're a set of people
Who nothing have but one poor tongue, on oath
What's trusted to them to deny! Some slaves
You sell, to others give their liberty.
Some you command; and none of these your property.
No man will give security for you,
Nor your security will any take.
The race of pandars are, in my opinion,
Such, among men, as flies, gnats, lice and fleas,
Teazing, and mischievous, and troublesome,
But good to none. Nor dares an honest man
Be seen with them in publick—If he shou'd,
He is despis'd and blam'd, and spit upon:
If ne'er so innocent, they cry him down,
As cheated of his fortune and his fame.

Lyc.
Methinks, my witty blinkard seems to know them!

Cur.
Nay, nay, by Hercules! I place you bankers
In the same rank. You're like them perfectly.
They sell themselves in private, you i'th'Forum.
You ruin men with usury, and they
With their bad counsel and debauchery.
How many statutes have the people ask'd
Against you bankers, which when made, you've broke?
Some hole is always found, where to creep out.
As boiling water soon grows cold, you thus
Judge of the laws.

Lyc.
Better I'd held my tongue.

Cap.
You have been studying it, and are sharp upon us.

Cur.
If I reflect on him, who don't deserve it,
I own it evil speaking.—If he does,
I think 'tis speaking well—Your warranty
I ne'er shall take, nor any other pandar's—
Would you ought else with me?

[to Lyco.
Lyco.
Nought but farewel.

Cur.
The same to you.

Cap.
Hark you! to you I speak.

[to Curculio.
Cur.
Say what you'd have.

Cap.
I prithee, take good care
Of this young woman, that no ill betide her.
I've brought her up in my own family
With modesty and care.

Cur.
If so concern'd,
What will you give me to take care of her?

Cap.
The gibbet.

Cur.
That's what you yourself deserve.

Cap.
[to Plan.]
Why do you weep, you simpleton? fear not:
I've sold you well, by Hercules! Take care
You shew yourself a good and modest girl.
Now fairly go along with him, my fair one.

Lyc.
Well, Nimwell, any more commands with me?

Cur.
Farewell, and health attend you. You've most kindly
Giv'n me at once your money, and your pains.

Lyc.
My greetings to my patron.

Cur.
I'll not fail.

[Exit with Plan.
Lyc.
Procurer, would you ought?

Cap.
I should be glad
To have those minæ that are left; they'd be
Of service to me, till my own affairs
Are in a better posture.

Lyc.
You shall have them.
Ask them of me to-morrow.

[Exit.
Cap.
As the affair
Is so well over, I'll into the temple,
And return thanks. I purchas'd her a girl,
And at ten minæ only, long ago;
And him, who sold her, ne'er set eyes on since.
He may be dead—but what is that to me?
I have the money.—Who to the gods is dear,
Him they indulge with gain. I now will haste
To my devotions—and take care of one.

[Exit.

SCENE III.

Enter THERAPONTIGONUS and LYCO.
The.
I'm in no little passion, but enrag'd,
As oft I've felt at sacking of a city.
Pay me this instant, pay the thirty minæ
I left with you, or hast to leave your life.

Lyc.
No little mischief would I do to you,
But use you, as the man deserves, that asks
A debt I owe not.

The.
Be not so stout with me,
Nor think that I will stoop to beg it of you.

Lyc.
Nor shall you ever force me to repay
What I've already paid. I will not do't—

The.
'Troth, when I left the money in your hands,
I did suppose you would return me nothing.

Lyc.
Then why do you ask it of me now?

The.
Because
I want to know, to whom you paid the money.

Lyc.
Why, to your freed-man, to a one-eye'd fellow,
Who said his name was Nimwell; 'twas to him
I paid it; and he brought this letter from you,
[giving a letter.
Seal'd with your seal.

The.
What letter! what freedman,
One-eye'd, do you prate of to me in your dreams?
What Nimwell do you mean? I have no freedman.

Lyc.
The wiser you; unlike to those marauders,
Who free their slaves, and leave them to be starv'd.

The.
What is't you've done?

Lyc.
Done honour to your letter:
Done as you charg'd me—I receiv'd your messenger,
Receiv'd the man who brought your seal's impression.

The.
O worse than fool, to give that letter credit!

Lyc.
Shou'd I not credit what is us'd in matters
Publick and private? But I go my way.
Your money was well paid. Soldier, farewel.

The.
Say you farewel?

Lyc.
Fare ill then, if you choose it—
And all your life, for me!

[Exit.
The.
What's now to do?
Is't nothing then, that I've made kings obey,
When such a paltry fellow scorns me thus?

SCENE IV.

Enter CAPPADOX.
Cap.
The man to whom the Gods propitious are,
They can't be angry with.—After the sacrifice
It came into my head to ask the banker,
Lest he should take't in mind to run away,
To pay me the remainder of the money,
That I may rather make good cheer, than he.

The.
Did you not hear me wish you a good day?

Cap.
Therapontigonoplatagidorus! save you!
I'm glad to see you safe in Epidaurus.
You will not pick a bit with me to-day?

The.
Why, your reception's civil, I must own!
But you will find a different one from me.
[aside.
How fares my purchase at your house?

[to him.
Cap.
You've nought
At my house now. Nay, call not witnesses:
I owe you nothing.

The.
What!

Cap.
I've done as I
Had sworn to do.

The.
Will you return the girl,
Or no; before I spit you with my sword,
You rascal?

Cap.
I shall make you laugh, and on
The wrong side of your mouth. Nay, fright not me,
She's carry'd off—as you shall be yourself,
If you persist in thus abusing me.
I owe you nothing, but a cord to hang you.

The.
And dare you threaten me!

Cap.
Not only threaten,
But I will put my threats in execution,
If you persist in being troublesome—

The.
What! threatned thus! by a procurer too!
All my set battles disregarded thus?
So may my sword and buckler never do me
Good service in the field, unless the girl
Deliver'd be, I'll mince thee in such bits,
The ants shall piecemeal carry thee away.

Cap.
So may my nippers, crisping-irons, combs,
And glass be good, my cloth and scissars clean,
As I regard your threats and swelling words,
No more, than the poor wench, that cleans my privy.
I sent the girl by him, who brought your money.

The.
And who is he?

Cap.
Your freedman—said his name
Was Nimwell.

The.
Mine?—Now I perceive the cheat—
By Hercules! Curculio stole my ring.

Cap.
And have you lost your ring? You are a soldier
Finely enroll'd in a disbanded corps!

The.
But where to find this weevil?

Cap.
In your wheat.
There you'll five hundred find instead of one.
Well, I'll away—Your servant!—Fare you well.

[Exit.
The.
Fare well! Fare ill to you. What shall I do?
Shall I stay here or go? And have I been
Impos'd on in this manner? I would give
A good reward to him who'd find him out.

[Exit.