University of Virginia Library

ACT V.

SCENE I.

Enter OLD MAN.
OLD MAN.
My limbs with sitting ach, my eyes with watering,
While this same Doctor from his patients comes.
Scarcely arriv'd at home, he's telling me,
He was oblig'd to set a broken leg
Of Æsculapius, and Apollo's arm.
I'm thinking whether I am bringing with me,
Or a physician, or a carpenter—
But see! he comes, tho' with an emmet's pace.

SCENE II.

Enter PHYSICIAN.
Phys.
What did you say was his disorder, Sir?
Inform me, is he mad, or is he frantick?
Is it a lethargy, or is he dropsical?

Old Man.
I brought you hither to know that of you,
And that your art should cure him.

Phy.
Nought more easy.
From this time, I engage he shall be well.

Old Man.
I'd have great care ta'en of him in his cure.

Phys.
My frequent visits oft will make me puff,
Such great care I shall take in curing him.

Old Man.
But see the man!

Phy.
Let us observe his actions.

SCENE III.

Enter MENÆCHMUS of Epidamnum.
Men. Epi.
This day has been unlucky, and to me
Quite adverse—what I thought to have done in secret,
Has been discover'd by this Parasite,
And brought both fear and infamy upon me.
He my Ulysses was, and my adviser;
Yet nought but evil heaps on me his king.
His thread of life, if I but live myself,
Will I cut off. How like a fool I talk!
His thread of life! His thread of life is mine;
He eats my victuals, lives at my expence.
Yes, I will be the death of him. Besides,
This wench has acted but in character,
The manner of them all. When I request her
To give me back the robe to give my wife,
She tells me, she already had return'd it.
'Troth, I'm unhappy!

Old Man.
Hear you what he says?

Phys.
He says he is unhappy.

Old Man.
Pray go nearer.

Phys.
Save you, Menæchmus. Why do you bare your arms?
You know not how it helps on your disorder.

Men. Epi.
Go hang yourself.

[to the Phys.]
Phys.
What think you now?

Men. Epi.
What think?
What can I think?

Phys.
To work a cure requires
More than an acre of good hellebore.
Hark ye! Menæchmus?

Men. Epi.
What would'st thou with me?

Phys.
Answer to what I ask: Say, do you drink
White wine or red?

Men. Epi.
Go, hang yourself.

Phys.
I find
The mad fit just now coming on.

Men. Epi.
Why not
Ask me as well the colour of my bread,
Whether I eat it purple, red, or yellow?
Whether eat scaly birds, or feather'd fish.

Old Man.
Hark! how deliriously he talks! or e'er
He grows stark staring mad, give him some potion.

Phys.
Hold, stay a little, I shall farther question him.

Old Man.
More idle talk will quite demolish him.

Phys.
Tell me but this; do you ever find your eyes
Grow hard?

Men. Epi.
Do you take me for a locust, fool?

Phys.
Do you find your bowels make a noise sometimes?

Men. Epi.
When I am full, my bowels make no noise:
They do, when I am hungry.—

Phys.
By my troth,
In this he does not answer like a madman.
D'you sleep till day-light? When you go to bed,
D'you get to sleep with ease?

Men. Epi.
My debts discharg'd,
I sleep with ease. May Jove and all the gods
Confound this questioner!

Phys.
He 'gins to rave.
[aside.
Take heed of what you say.

Old Man.
In what he says,
He's much more moderate than he was but now.
'Tis but a while ago, he said, his wife
Was a mad bitch.

Men. Epi.
What did I say?

Old Man.
You're mad,
I say.

Men. Epi.
What I?

Old Man.
You there, who threaten'd me,
You'd trample me beneath your horse's feet.
I saw you do it, and I will maintain it.

Men. Epi.
And I well know, you've stol'n Jove's sacred crown,
And for the fact have been confin'd in prison.
And when releas'd, you've been severely whip'd
Under a gibbet. And I know besides,
You've kill'd your father, and have sold your mother.
Think you I am so mad, I can't devise
The same abusive language against you,
As you can do 'gainst me.

Old Man.
Doctor, I beg you,
What you intend to do to him, do quickly.
Do you not see he's mad?

Phys.
'Twere the best thing,
You know, to have him carried to my house.

Old Man.
Do you think so?

Phys.
Why not? I there can treat him
As I think proper.

Old Man.
Do just as you please.

Phys.
About some twenty days, you shall drink hellebore.

Men. Epi.
And you, some thirty days, shall be tied up,
And flog'd severely.

Phys.
Go, and call your men,
To bring him to my house.

Old Man.
How many men
D'ye think will be sufficient?

Phys.
As I see him
So mad, not less than four.

Old Man.
They shall be here
Immediately. Take care of him, good doctor.

Phys.
I'll home to get things ready that are wanting.
Go, bid your servants bring him to my house.

Old Man.
I will take care that he shall soon be there.

Phys.
I'm gone.

Old Man.
Farewell.

[Exeunt Phys. and Old Man separately.
Men. Epi.
The father-in-law is gone,
And so's the doctor. Now I am alone.
How is it, Jove, these men will have me mad!
Since I was born, I've ne'er been sick one day.
Nor am I mad, nor do I seek for quarrels,
Nor stir up strifes. I'm well in health, and see
Others the same: I know men, and I speak to them.
Is't not, that those who say that I am mad,
Are mad themselves? What shall I do? I would
Go home; but then my wife will not permit it.—
My mistress too will not admit me. This
All of it's ill. I'll e'en stay here till night,
And I may get admittance in the dark.

[stands apart.

SCENE IV.

Enter MESSENIO.
Mess.
'Tis on all hands allow'd to be the proof
Of a good servant, when he takes good care of,
Looks after, thinks of, and disposes rightly
His master's business. That, when he is absent,
Things may go on as well, or even better
Than when he's present. He whose heart is right,
Will think his back of greater consequence
Than is his gullet: Ay, and to his belly
Prefer his legs. He ought to bear in mind
The wages, servants good for nothing, idle,
Or wicked, from their masters hands receive;
And these are, stripes and chains, the stocks, the mill,
Hard labour, cold and hunger. Such as these
Are the rewards of idleness. This evil
I'm terribly afraid of; therefore choose
Rather to do my duty, than neglect it.
Words I can bear, but stripes I hate. I rather
Like to eat that which has been ground by others,
Than grind myself what others are to eat.
I therefore execute my master's orders
Well; and with sober diligence I serve him:
This turns to my account—Let others act then
As best they think it for their interest,
I'll ever be that which I ought to be:
This fear I'll still retain, to keep me free
From fault; that wheresoe'er my master is,
I may be ready there to wait on him.
Those servants who have nothing done amiss,
Yet keep this fear, still make themselves of use
To their respective masters. But the servants
Who never live in fear of doing wrong,
Fear, when they've something done to merit punishment.
As for myself, I shan't live long in fear—
The time draws nigh, when master will reward me
For all the pains I have been at to serve him.
I've serv'd him so, as to consult my back.
Now that I've plac'd the servants, as he order'd,
And what they'd want i'th'inn, I'm come to meet him.
I'll now knock at the door, that he may know
I'm here, tho' doubtful whether I can bring him
Safe off from this vile house—I fear me much
Lest I should come after the battle's fought.

SCENE V.

Enter OLD MAN, with Servants.
Old Man.
[to the Servants.]
By gods and men, I here conjure you all
To take good care to execute the orders
Given you already; and I now repeat them.
See that man carried to the doctor's house;
On pain of both your sides and legs, obey me.
Be sure, each of you, not to heed his threats there.
Why stand you thus? why hesitate? e'en now
He ought to've been borne off. I'll go myself
Strait to the doctor: when you are got thither,
You'll find me there before you—
[Exit Old Man.

Men. Epi.
I'm undone.
What is the matter? What do these men want,
That they run here so fast? What is't you want?
Why do you thus surround me? Why thus hale me?
Where would you carry me? Undone! help! help!
Aid me, ye Epidamnians! Let me go.

[to the Servants.
Mess.
Ye gods, what do I see! What men are these
Who thus unworthily are bearing off
My master?

Men. Epi.
What, will no one dare to help me?

Mess.
Master, I will, and boldly too.—What villainy!
Ye Epidamnians, thus to seize my master,
In the open street, by day light, undisturb'd
By tumults in your city—A free man
He enter'd it—Then let him go, I say—

Men. Epi.
Whoe'er you are, assist me, I beseech you,
Nor let them do such signal outrage on me.

Mess.
Yes, I'll assist, defend, and succour you.
'Tis far more just, that I myself should perish,
Than suffer you to be thus treated, master:
Pluck out that fellow's eye, I beg of you,
Who holds you by the shoulder. I'll myself
Plant in these rascals chaps a crop of blows.
If you persist in bearing him away,
You'll find you'll have the worst of it. Let him go.

Men. Epi.
I've got hold of the rascal's eye.

Mess.
Why then,
Let in his head the socket strait appear.
Rogues! Rascals!

Servants.
You'll murder us. Have mercy!

Mess.
Let him go then.

Men. Epi.
What is't ye mean, you rascals!
By laying hands on me thus violently?
Curry the scoundrels with your blows.

Mess.
Away,
Begone, go and be hang'd, ye rascals!
You there, that are the last to quit your hold,
Take this along with you as a reward—
[strikes him.
So, so: I think I've on this scoundrel's chaps
Written in red letters.—'Troth, I came in time
To your assistance, master.

Men. Epi.
May the gods!
Whoe'er you are, be ever kind to you,
Young man. For without you, I ne'er had seen
The setting sun this day.

Mess.
By Pollux! therefore,
If you do right, you'll give me, Sir, my freedom.

Men. Epi.
Give you your freedom!

Mess.
Out of doubt, my master,
Since I have sav'd your life.

Men. Epi.
How's this! young man,
You are mistaken.

Mess.
I mistaken! how?

Men. Epi.
I swear by father Jupiter, I'm not
Your master.

Mess.
Can you say so?

Men. Epi.
I don't lie.
I never had a servant yet; I say,
Who ever did for me, what you have done?

Mess.
If then you will not own me for your servant,
E'en let me go, and have my liberty.

Men. Epi.
As far as in my power, take your liberty,
And go where'er you please.

Mess.
Then you command me?

Men. Epi.
Yes sure, as far as I've a right to do so.

Mess.
My patron, thanks!

A Servant.
I joy to see you free,
Messenio.

Mess.
In troth I well believe you.
By Hercules! I do. And, now, my patron,
I beg, you'd lay on me the same commands
As when I was your servant. I'll live with you:
And, when you home return, go with you, Sir.

Men. Epi.
No, by no means.

Mess.
I'll go now to the inn,
And bring your goods and money to you strait:
The purse which has your money, is fast seal'd
Within the cloak-bag. I'll go bring it strait.

Men. Epi.
Do so, and quickly.

Mess.
Sir, I'll bring them back
In the same state as when you gave them me.
Wait for me here.
[Exit Mess.

Men. Epi.
What I've to-day experienc'd
In many instances is most extraordinary.
Some of them say, that I am not the man
I am, and shut me out of doors. And here
A man insists upon't, he is my servant—
And I just now have given him his freedom.
He talks of bringing money to me strait;
Which if he does, I'll tell him he has liberty
To go from me whene'er it suits him best.
My father-in-law and the physician say
That I am mad. 'Tis strange what this should be:
It seems to me no other than a dream.
I'll now go to this courtezan, and see,
Tho' she is angry with me, if I can't
Prevail on her, to let me have the robe
To carry home, and give it to my wife.
[Exit Men. Epi.

SCENE VI.

Enter MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES and MESSENIO.
Men. Sos.
And do you dare affirm, audacious fellow,
That you have met me any where to-day,
When I had order'd you to meet me here?

Mess.
It is so true, that I not only met you;
But that e'en now, I freed you from four men,
Before this very house, who seiz'd on you,
And would have borne you off. You call'd on gods
And men for their assistance. I ran up,
And snatch'd you from them, notwithstanding all
Their efforts to the contrary, and fought them.
On which account, as I had done you service,
You gave my freedom to me: After that,
You bade me go, and fetch your goods and money.
You've hasten'd on, fast as you could, before,
To frustrate your own deeds—

Men. Sos.
And did I bid you
Depart a freeman?

Mess.
Certainly.

Men. Epi.
And 'tis
Most certain, I'm as much a slave myself
As e'er I gave to you your liberty.

SCENE VII.

Enter MENÆCHMUS of Epidamnum, from EROTIUM's house.
Men. Epi.
Vile woman as you are! tho' you should swear
By all that's dear to you, that I this day
Bore off that robe and bracelet, yet you never,
No, never should convince me.

Mess.
Gods immortal!
What is it that I see?

Men. Sos.
Why, what do you see?

Mess.
Why, your resemblance, Sir, as in a mirror.

Men. Sos.
What is't you mean?

Mess.
Your image, and as like
As possible.

Men. Sos.
'Troth, if I know myself,
'Tis not unlike.

Men. Epi.
Young man, whoe'er you are,
The gods preserve you! you have sav'd my life.

Mess.
Young man, if 'tis not disagreeable,
Tell me your name?

Men. Epi.
You have so much oblig'd me,
You cannot ask what I'd be slow to grant you.
My name's Menæchmus.

Men. Sos.
Mine's Menæchmus too.

Men. Epi.
I'm a Sicilian, and of Syracuse.

Men. Sos.
I am the same: it is my native country—

Men. Epi.
What's that I hear?

Men. Sos.
You hear the very truth.

Mess.
I know this gentleman; he is my master.
I am his servant. But I thought myself
The other's servant. Sir, [to Men. Sos.]
I thought him, you;
And by so doing, gave you some uneasiness.
If I have said ought foolish or imprudent,
I pray you pardon me.

Men. Sos.
You're mad, I think.
Don't you remember, that this very day
You disembark'd with me?

Mess.
Nothing more just.
You are my master. Seek [to Men. Epi.]
another servant.
[To Men. Sos.]
God save you, Sir! and you,
[to Men. Epi.]
good Sir, adieu!
This is, I say, Menæchmus.

Men. Epi.
I say, I am.

Men. Sos.
What comedy is this? What! you Menæchmus!

Men. Epi.
I am, Sir!—and my father's name was Moschus.

Men. Sos.
And are you then my father's son?

Men. Epi.
I'm son
Of my own father, youth. I do not want
To claim your father, nor to take him from you.

Mess.
Ye gods! confirm the unexpected hope
Which I'm conceiving. These, if I mistake not,
Are the twin brothers; for they both agree,
In owning the same father, the same country.
I'll call aside my master. Sir! Menæchmus!

Both Men.
Whom is't you want?

Mess.
I want but one of you.
But which of you came with me in the ship?

Men. Epi.
Not I.

Men. Sos.
'Twas I.

Mess.
Why then, 'tis you I want.
Come this way.

Men. Sos.
Well, I'm here, what do you want?

Mess.
That man is an impostor, Sir, or else
He's your twin brother. For I never saw
Two men, one like the other so exactly.
Water is, I assure you, not more like
To water, nor is milk more like to milk,
Than he is like to you, and you to him.
Besides, he owns himself of the same country,
And claims too the same father. Best accost him,
And ask him some few questions.

Men. Sos.
Your advice
Is right, by Hercules!—I thank you for it.
Beseech you, give me farther your assistance;
And, if you find us brothers, you shall have
Your freedom.

Mess.
Sir, I hope I shall.

Men. Sos.
I hope
The same.

Mess.
[to Men. Epi.]
What was't you said? I think it was
That you are call'd Menæchmus?

Men. Epi.
Yes.

Mess.
But he
Is call'd Menæchmus too.—In Sicily
You said that you was born, a citizen
Of Syracuse—Why there was he born too.
You've likewise said that Moschus was your father?
Why, Moschus was his father too. And now
It's in the power of both of you to assist me;
And, in assisting me, to assist yourselves.

Men. Epi.
You have deserv'd so much of me, that what
You ask, you may command. Free as I am
I'll serve you, just as if I was your slave.

Mess.
I hope you're just upon the point of finding
That you're twin brothers, born at the same time,
Sons of one father, and one mother too.

Men. Epi.
You mention wonders. Would you could effect
That which you've given assurance of—

Mes.
I can.
Come now. To that which I shall ask of you,
Both answer me.

Men. Epi.
Ask when you please, I'll answer,
And not conceal one jot of what I know.

Mess.
Is then your name Menæchmus?

Men. Epi.
Yes, I own it.

Mess.
And yours the same?

Men. Sos.
It is.

Mess.
You also say
Your father's name was Moschus.

Men. Epi.
Yes, I do.

Men. Sos.
And mine the same.

Mess.
Are you of Syracuse?

Men. Epi.
Most certainly.

Mess.
And you?

Men. Soss.
No doubt of it.

Mess.
Hitherto all the marks agree right well.
But let's go on. What's the most distant thing,
You recollect to have happened in your country?

Men. Epi.
The going with my father to Tarentum
I'th'way of merchandising: in the crowd
My straying from my father; after that,
My being hither brought.

Men. Sos.
Preserve me, Jupiter!

Mess.
Why is that exclamation? Hold your peace.
[To Men. Epi.]
Say, when your father from your country took you,
What was your age?

Men. Epi.
Seven years: for I remember
Just at that time my teeth began to shed—
Nor from that time have I e'er seen my father.

Mess.
How many children had your father?

Men. Epi.
Two,
If I remember right.

Mess.
Was you or he
The elder?

Men. Epi.
We were both of the same age.

Mess.
How can that be?—

Men. Epi.
We both were twins—

Men. Sos.
The gods
Are pleas'd to bless me—

Mess.
If you interrupt me,
I'll say no more.

Men. Sos.
Rather than so, I'm silent.

Mess.
Say, had you both one name?

Men. Epi.
Not so—My name
Was, as 'tis now, Menæchmus. But my brother
They named Sosicles.

Men. Sos.
I own the proofs.
I cannot hold out longer. I'll embrace him.—
My brother, my twin brother, hail! 'Tis I
Am Sosicles.

Men. Epi.
If so, why was you afterwards
Menæchmus call'd?

Men. Sos.
When afterwards we heard
You and your father both were dead, my grandfather
Changing my name, gave me the same as yours.

Men. Epi.
Well, I believe 'tis all just as you say.
But in your turn now answer me.

Men. Sos.
Your pleasure.

Men. Epi.
What was our mother's name?

Men. Sos.
'Twas Theusimarche.

Men. Epi.
All this agrees. Hail, my unlook'd-for brother!
Whom after years of absence, I now see.

Men. Sos.
The same all Hail! to you, my dearest brother!
For whom I've search'd till now with so much pains,
And whom I now rejoice to have found at last.

Mess.
It was on this account, the courtezan
Then call'd you by his name, and taking you
For him, she ask'd you to her house to dinner.

Men. Epi.
'Troth, I this day had order'd at her house
A dinner, to my wife unknown, from whom
I filch'd a robe, and gave her as a present.

Men. Sos.
Is this the robe you see me have, my brother?

Men. Epi.
How came it in your hands?

Men. Sos.
A common woman
Invited me to dine, and said 'twas I
That gave it her—I eat a hearty dinner,
Drank freely, entertain'd myself with her,
And got this robe, this bracelet—

Men. Epi.
I'm glad, brother,
That you have far'd so well on my account:
For when she ask'd you home to dinner with her,
'Twas me she took you for.

Mess.
What hinders then,
But, as you promis'd me, I should be free?

Men. Epi.
He asks but what is right and just, my brother,
Do it on my account.

Men. Sos.
Be free.

Men. Epi.
I joy,
Messenio, that you have obtain'd your freedom.

Mess.
You see a better hand than yours was wanting
To make me free for life.

Men. Sos.
Since things are thus
As we could wish, let's both return together
To our native country.

Men. Epi.
As you please, my brother.
I'll make an auction, and sell all I have.
In the mean time, my brother, let's go in.

Men. Sos.
With all my heart.

Mess.
Can you guess what I'd ask?

Men. Epi.
What is it?

Mess.
That you'd make me auctioneer.

Men. Epi.
'Tis granted—

Mess.
Well, Sir, shall I then proclaim
The auction strait? and for what day?

Men. Epi.
The seventh.

Mess.
O yes!—O yes!—This, Sirs, is to give notice.—
The auction of Menæchmus will begin
The seventh of this month: when will be sold
Slaves, houseshold goods, farms, houses, and—et cetera.
All may attend that will; and we sell all
For ready money. Sell his wife besides,
If any purchaser should offer. I scarce think
Our auction will amount to fifty times
A thousand sesterces.
[To the spectators.]
Spectators, now
Adieu! and favour us with a loud applause.

[Exeunt.