University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

SCENE I.

Enter MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES, and MESSENIO, his Servant.
MENÆCHMUS SOCICLES.
No greater joy have voyagers, Messenio,
Than, from the deep far off, to spy out land.

Mess.
To speak the truth, 'tis still a greater joy
To find that land, when you arrive, your country.
But wherefore come we now to Epidamnum?
Must we go round each island like the sea?

Men. Sos.
I am in quest of my twin brother.

Mess.
Good now,
When will there be an end of searching for him?
This is the sixth year since we set about it;
The Istrians, the Illyrians, the Massilians,
The Spaniards, the whole Adriatic gulf,
With farthest Greece, and each Italian coast,
That the sea washes, have we travers'd round.
Had we been looking for a needle, sure
We should have found it long ago, if visible.
So search we for a dead man 'mong the quick;
For we had found him long ago, if living.

Men. Sos.
Would I could find out one, that might assure me
Of his own knowledge, that my brother's dead!
Then I'd forego my quest, not otherwise:
But, while I live, I'll never spare my pains,
Nor ever will desist from searching for him.
How dear he's to my heart, too well I feel—

Mess.
You in a bull-rush seek a knot—'tis vain:
Come, let's return; unless you mean to write
A book of voyages.

Men. Sos.
No fine, subtle speeches,
Or you shall pay for't. Don't be impertinent.
None of your freedoms.

Mess.
By that single word
I know, I am a slave: 'tis briefly said,
Plainly, and fully:—yet I can't refrain
From speaking.—Mind me, Sir!—Our purse, look here,—
'Tis light enough, 'twon't make us sweat: now verily,—
If you return not home; when nothing's left,
You'll chafe for this wild chase of your twin brother.
As for the people here, these Epidamnians,
They're errant debauchees, most potent drinkers;
Cheats, parasites abound here; and they say
Such wheedling harlotries are no where met with;
And therefore is this place call'd Epidamnum,
Because there's no one comes here, but says damn 'em.

Men. Sos.
I'll look to that: give me the purse.

Mess.
The purse?
What would you do with it?

Men. Sos.
I've apprehensions
'Bout you, from what you said.

Mess.
What apprehensions?

Men. Sos.
Lest you should cry in Epidamnum, damn 'em.
You are a mighty lover of the wenches:
I'm cholerick, quite a madman when provok'd:
Now when I have the cash in my own hands,
'Twill guard against two harms; you'll not offend:
Nor I be angry with you.

Mess.
Take and keep it.—
With all my soul.—

SCENE II.

CYLINDRUS
entering.
I've marketed most rarely,
And to my mind: I warrant, I serve up
A dainty dinner to the guests.—But hold—
I see Menæchmus. Woe then to my back!
The guests are walking here before the door,
Ere I return from market.—I'll accost them.
Save you, Menæchmus!

Men. Sos.
Save you! Do you know me?

Cyl.
No, to be sure! (ironically)
Where are the other guests?

Men. Sos.
What guests do you mean?

Cyl.
Your Parasite.

Men. Sos.
My Parasite?
Surely the man is mad.

Mess.
Now say, my master,
Did I not tell you there were many cheats here?

Men. Sos.
Whom mean you by my Parasite?

Cyl.
Why, Dishclout.

Mess.
See, see,—I have him safe here in the wallet.

Cyl.
Menæchmus, you are come too soon to dinner:
I am but now return'd from marketing.

Men. Sos.
What is the price, pray, of a hog for sacrifice?

Cyl.
A piece.

Men. Sos.
I'll give it: make a sacrifice
At my expence; for sure you must be mad
To cross a stranger thus, whoe'er you are.

Cyl.
I am Cylindrus: know you not my name?

Men. Sos.
Or Cylinder, or Cullender;—begone:
I know you not, nor do I want to know you.

Cyl.
Your name's Menæchmus, that I know.

Men. Sos.
You talk
As one that's in his senses, calling me
Thus by my name. But where, pray, have you known me?

Cyl.
Where have I known you?—you, who have a wench here,
Erotium, my mistress.

Men. Sos.
I have not,
Nor know I who you are.

Cyl.
Not who I am?
I, who so oft have handed you the cup,
When you carous'd here.

Mess.
O that, I have nothing
To break his head with!

Men. Sos.
How? you've handed me
The cup? when till this day I never came
To Epidamnum, never set my eyes on't.

Cyl.
Will you deny it?

Men. Sos.
Yes, I must deny it.

Cyl.
Don't you live yonder?

Men. Sos.
Plague upon their heads
That live there!

Cyl.
Sure he's mad, to curse himself.
Hark'ye, Menæchmus?

Men. Sos.
What say you?

Cyl.
If you would
Take my advice, that piece you promised me,
Buy a hog with it for yourself to sacrifice:
For sure you are not in your perfect mind,
To curse yourself.

Men. Sos.
Thou'rt mad.—vexatious fellow!

Cyl.
In this wise will he often jest with me:
He's such a wag, he,—when his wife's not by.

Men. Sos.
Prithee now.

Cyl.
Prithee now, is this provision
Sufficient, what you see here, for you three?
Or would you have me to provide yet more,
For you, your parasite and wench?

Men. Sos.
What wench,
What parasite d'ye speak of?

Mess.
Rascal! what
Provokes thee to molest him thus?

Cyl.
What business
Hast thou with me? I know thee not: I'm talking
To him I know.

Mess.
You are not in your senses.

Cyl.
I'll get these ready out of hand: [pointing to the provisions]
then go not
Far from the door. Would you ought further with me?

Men. Sos.
Go hang yourself.

Cyl.
Go you and seat yourself,
While to the violence of Vulcan's rage
I these oppose—I'll in, and let Erotium
Know you are here, that she may fetch you in,
Rather than you should saunter here without doors.

[Cylindrus goes in.]

SCENE III.

MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES, and MESSENIO.
MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES.
So,—is he gone?—I find there is some truth
In what you told me.

Mess.
Do but mind.—I fancy,
Some harlot dwells here; so this crack-brain said
Who went hence even now.

Men. Sos.
But I do marvel,
How he should know my name.

Mess.
I'faith no wonder:
This is the way of courtezans: they send
Their lacqueys and their wenches to the port:
If any foreign ship arrive, to ask
Whose is it, what's its name? Then instantly
They set themselves to work, they stick like glue.
If they can lure some gull to their embraces,
They turn him out anon, undone and ruin'd.
A pirate vessel lurks within this port,
Which we in my opinion should beware of.

Men. Sos.
You counsel right.

Mess.
It will be known at last
How right it is, if you as rightly follow it.

Men. Sos.
Softly a while: the door creaks: let us see
Who's coming forth.

Mess.
Mean while I'll lay this down;
[lays down his wallet on some oars.]
Pray keep it safe, ye water-treading oars.

SCENE IV.

Enter EROTIUM, speaking to her Servants within.
Leave the door thus: I would not have it shut:
Begone: make ready: see that ev'ry thing
Be done that's wanting: lay the couches smooth,
Let the perfumes be set on fire. 'Tis neatness
Lures the fond lover's heart. A spruce appearance
Is damage to the lover, gain to us.
But where, where is he, whom the cook inform'd me
Was at the door? I see him; he's a gentleman,
From whom I draw much service and much profit;
And therefore I'm content, that he should hold,
As he deserves, with me, the highest place.
I'll go and speak to him. My life! my soul!
I marvel you should stand here at the door,
That's open to you more than is your own;
Your own it is.—Sweet, ev'ry thing is ready
Which you desir'd: nothing to stay you, love:
The dinner, which you order'd, we have got:
Then, whensoe'er you please, you may sit down.

Men. Sos.
Whom does the woman speak to?

Erot.
Why, to you.

Men. Sos.
What business have I ever had with you?
What business have I now?

Erot.
'Tis Venus' will,
I should prefer you before all my lovers;
Nor on your part unmerited, for you,
You only with your gifts enrich me.

Men. Sos.
Sure
This woman's either mad or drunk, Messenio,
Thus to accost a stranger so familiarly.

Mess.
Such practices are common here, I told you.
These are but leaves; but if we tarry here
Three days, the trees themselves will tumble on you.
The courtezans here are all money-traps.—
But suffer me to speak to her.—Hearkye, woman!
A word with you.

Erot.
What is't?

Mess.
Where did you know
This gentleman?

Erot.
Where he has long known me:
In Epidamnum here.

Mess.
In Epidamnum?
He never set his foot in't till to-day.

Erot.
Ah! you are pleas'd to joke, my dear Menæchmus.
But prithee, sweet, come in; 'twere better for you.

Men. Sos.
'Fore heav'n the woman calls me by my name.
I marvel what this means.

Mess.
She smells the purse
Which you have there—

Men. Sos.
That's rightly put in mind.
Here, take it. I shall know now if her love's
To me, or to the purse.

Erot.
Let's in to dinner.

Men. Sos.
'Tis a kind invitation, and I thank you.

Erot.
Why did you bid me then to get a dinner?

Men. Sos.
I bid you get a dinner!

Erot.
Yes, most certainly,
For you and for your parasite.

Men. Sos.
A plague!
What parasite?—Why sure the woman's crazy.

Erot.
Peniculus.

Men. Sos.
Who's that Peniculus?

Erot.
The parasite; in other words, the Dishclout.

Men. Sos.
O, what they wipe their shoes with?

Erot.
He, I say,
Who came with you this morning, when you brought me
The robe that you had stolen from your wife.

Men. Sos.
How say you? I present you with a robe,
That I had stolen from my wife? art mad?
The woman sure, walks like a gelding, sleeping.

Erot.
Why are you pleas'd to hold me for your sport?
And why do you deny what you have done?

Men. Sos.
What is it I deny? What have I done?

Erot.
Given me a robe belonging to your wife.

Men. Sos.
I still deny it: I never had a wife,
Nor have I: neither have I set my foot
Within your doors, since I was born. I din'd
On ship-board, thence came hither, and here met you.

Erot.
Ah! woe is me!—what ship is't you are talking of?

Men. Sos.
A wooden one, oft weather-beaten, oft
Bethump'd with mallets, like a taylor's pin-cushion
Peg close to peg.

Erot.
I'prithee, now have done
With jesting thus, and come along with me.

Men. Sos.
Some other man you mean, I know not whom,
Not me.

Erot.
What! don't I know thee? not Menæchmus,
The son of Moschus, who wert born, thou say'st,
At Syracuse, in Sicily, where erst
Reign'd king Agathocles, and after Pinthia,
And next him Liparo, who by his death
The kingdom left to Hiero, now king.

Men. Sos.
'Faith what you say is true.

Mess.
O Jupiter!
Is she not come from thence, so well she knows you?

Men. Sos.
I can hold out no longer.

Mess.
Stay, Sir, stay;
For if you cross her threshold, you're undone.

Men. Sos.
Be quiet: all is well: I will assent
To whatsoe'er she says, so I but get
Good entertainment, and a fair reception.
(To Erotium.)
For some time wittingly I have oppos'd you,
Fearing this fellow here, lest he should tell
My wife concerning all—the robe and dinner:
Now when you please, we'll enter.

Erot.
Then you do not
Stay for the parasite?

Men. Sos.
I neither stay,
Nor care a rush for him; nor would I have him
Be let in when he comes.

Erot.
With all my heart.—
But do you know, sweet, what I'd have you do?

Men. Sos.
Command me what you will.

Erot.
That robe you gave me.
I'd have you carry it to the embroiderer's,
To be made up anew; with such additions,
As I shall order.

Men. Sos.
What you say is right:
So will it not be known; nor will my wife,
If she should see you with it in the street,
Know you have got it.

Erot.
So then by and by,
Sweet, you shall take it with you, when you go.

Men. Sos.
I will.

Erot.
Let's in now.

Men. Sos.
I'll attend you presently,
I would just speak a word with him.

[Erotium goes in.]

SCENE V.

MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES, MESSENIO.
Men. Sos.
Messenio!
Come hither.

Mess.
What's the matter?

Men. Sos.
'St!—shall I
Impart it to you?

Mess.
What?

Men. Sos.
'Tis such a chance.

Mess.
What chance?

Men. Sos.
I know what you will say.

Mess.
I say
So much the worse for you.

Men. Sos.
I have got it, boy:
I have already made a rare beginning.
Quick as you can, go carry these my ship-mates
Directly to some place of entertainment.
Then come to me e'er sun-set.

Mess.
Master! master!
You're unacquainted with these harlotries.

Men. Sos.
Peace, prithee. If I play the fool, 'tis I,
Not you, shall suffer. Why, this woman here
Is a mere simpleton, an arrant ignorant,
As far as I have prov'd her hitherto.—
She is our game, my boy.

Mess.
'Tis over with us.

Men. Sos.
Will you be gone?

Mess.
He is undone, that's certain.
This pirate vessel has the boat in tow.
But I'm a fool, that I should seek to rule
My master: for he bought me to obey,
Not govern him. Come, follow me, that I
May wait upon him at the time he order'd.

[Exeunt.]