 | The Twin Brothers |  |
48
ACT IV.
SCENE I.
Enter the WIFE of Menæchmus of Epidamnum, and PENICULUS, the Parasite.WIFE.
And shall I tamely then submit to live
In marriage with a man, who filches from me
Whatever's in the house, and bears it off
A present to his mistress?
Pen.
Hold your peace:
I will so order matters, that you shall
Surprize him in the fact. So follow me.
Crown'd with a wreath, and drunk, he bore away
The robe that he filch'd from you yesterday,
To the embroiderer's. But see, the wreath,
The very wreath he wore—Is it not true?
[seeing the wreath on the ground.]
He's gone this way; and you may trace his steps.
And see, by Pollux' temple, he returns,
And opportunely; but without the robe.
Wife.
How shall I treat him now?
Pen.
How? Why as usual,
Most heartily abuse him.
Wife.
Yes, I think so—
Pen.
Let's stand aside, and watch him from our ambush.
[they retire.
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SCENE II.
Enter MENÆCHMUS of Epidamnum.Men. Epi.
How troublesome it is, thus to indulge
Ourselves in foolish customs! yet the great,
Those petty gods, too much come into it.
All wish to have a number of dependents,
But little care whether they're good or bad.
Their riches, not their qualities, they mind.
Honest and poor is bad.—Wicked and rich,
An honest man.—Clients, that have regard
To neither law, nor common honesty,
Weary their patrons—Leave them a deposit,
They will deny the trust—Litigious,
Covetous, fraudulent, who've got their wealth
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Still in their suits—A summons for defence
Once issu'd, 'tis their patron's summons too;
Who 'fore the people, prætor, commissary,
Must speak in their behalf, however wrong.
Thus was I plagu'd to-day by a dependant,
One of this sort, who would not let me do
Aught which I wanted in my own affairs;
Holding me close to his, he so detain'd me—
When I had battled for him 'fore the Ædiles,
With craft had pleaded his bad cause, had brought
To hard conditions his opponent, nay
Had more or less perplex'd the controversy,
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What does he do?—Why gives in bail—I never
Saw in all my life a villain more barefac'd
In all respects.—Three witnesses swore plumb,
And prov'd against him every accusation.
The gods confound him! for thus making me
Lose all my time: ay, and confound myself,
For having seen the Forum with these eyes!
The noblest day is lost: a dinner's order'd;
My mistress waits.—I know it, and as soon
As e'er I could, I've hast'ned from the Forum.
Doubtless she's angry with me; but the robe
Filch'd from my wife to-day, and sent to her,
Shall make all up.
Pen.
What say you now?
Wife.
Unhappy!
In having such a husband.—
Pen.
Did you hear
Distinctly what he said?
Wife.
Very distinctly.
Men. Epi.
I shall do right, if I go in directly
And here refresh myself.
Wife.
Wait but a little,
And I'll refresh you better. [to him.]
You shall pay;
Yes, that you shall, by Castor! and with interest,
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What, did you fancy you could play such tricks
In secret?
Men. Epi.
What's the business, wife?
Wife.
Ask that
Of me?
Men. Epi.
Why, would you that I ask of him?
Pen.
No soothing now. Go on.
Men. Epi.
Say, why so pensive?
Wife.
You can't but know the reason—
Pen.
Yes, he knows,
But cunningly dissembles.
Men. Epi.
What's the matter?
Wife.
The robe.—
Men. Epi.
The robe? what—
Wife.
Ay, the robe.—
Pen.
Why pale?
Men. Epi.
I pale! unless the paleness of the robe
Has made me so.
Pen.
I too am pale, because
You eat the supper, and ne'er thought of me.
To him again. [to the Wife.]
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Won't you be silent?
Pen.
No.
He nods to me to hold my tongue.
[to the wife.]
Men. Epi.
Not I,
By Hercules! I neither wink'd nor nodded.
Wife.
I'm an unhappy woman!
Men. Epi.
Why unhappy?
Explain.—
Pen.
A rare assurance, that denies
What yourself sees.—
Men. Epi.
By Jove, and all the gods!
I nodded not—Are you now satisfied?
Pen.
And to be sure, she now will give you credit.
Go back again—
Men. Epi.
And whither?
Pen.
Whither else
But to th'embroiderer—Beyond all doubt
I think you ought—Go, and bring back the robe—
Men. Epi.
What robe do you speak of?
Wife.
Since he don't remember
What he has done, I have no more to say.
Men. Epi.
Has any of the servants been in fault?
Has any of the men or women slaves
Given you a saucy answer?—Say, speak out,
He shall not go unpunish'd.
Wife.
Sure, you trifle.
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You're out of humour: that I'm not quite pleas'd with.
Wife.
You trifle still.
Men. Epi.
Has any of the family
Done ought to make you angry?
Wife.
Trifling still.
Men. Epi.
Angry with me then—.
Wife.
Now you trifle not.
Men. Epi.
'Troth I've done nothing to deserve it of you.
Wife.
Trifling again.
Men. Epi.
What is it gives you pain?
Tell me, my dear.
Pen.
He sooths you: civil creature!
Men. Epi.
Can't you be quiet? I don't speak to you. [to Peniculus.]
Wife.
Off with your hand.
Pen.
Ay, thus you're rightly serv'd— [aside.]
Dine then again in hast when I am absent!
And rally me before the house when drunk!
A wreath too, on your head!
Men. Epi.
By Pollux' temple!
I have not din'd to-day, nor have I once
Set foot within the house.
Pen.
You dare deny it?
Men. Epi.
I do, by Hercules!
Pen.
Consummate impudence?
Did I not see you with a wreath of flowers,
Standing before the house here; when you said
My head was turn'd: when you denied you knew me,
And when you'd pass upon me for a stranger?
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I do assure you, since I slip'd away
This morning from you, I've not been till now
At home.
Pen.
I know you, Sir: but you knew not
I'd wherewithal to take revenge upon you.
I've told your wife the whole, by Hercules!
Men. Epi.
What have you told?
Pen.
I know not. Ask of her.
Men. Epi.
What's this, my dear? What is it he has told you?
You answer not—Why don't you say what 'tis?
Wife.
As if you know not. Why, a robe has been
Stol'n from me in my house.
Men. Epi.
A robe stol'n from you?
Wife.
Do you ask me?
Men. Epi.
In troth, I scarce should ask it,
Was I assur'd it was so.—
Pen.
Wicked man!
How he dissembles! but you can't conceal it,
I know the whole affair; and I have told it
All to your wife.
Men. Epi.
What is all this about?
Wife.
Since you have lost all shame, and won't confess
The thing yourself, hearken to me, and hear it;
I'll tell you what has made me out of humour,
And every thing he has discover'd to me.
They have done well for me, they've stol'n my robe.
Men. Epi.
Done well for you by stealing of your robe!
Pen.
Observe his subterfuge: 'twas stol'n for her, [meaning Erotium.]
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It had been safe.
Men. Epi.
I've nought to do with you.
But what say you? [to his wife.]
Wife.
I say, I've lost from home
A robe.
Men. Epi.
Who took it?
Wife.
He who stole it, knows.
Men. Epi.
And who is he?
Wife.
One who is call'd Menæchmus.
Men. Epi.
Spitefully done! And who is this Menæchmus?
Wife.
Yourself, I say.
Men. Epi.
What! I?
Wife.
Yes, you.
Men. Epi.
Who said so?
Wife.
My self.
Pen.
And I; and that you had carried it
Off to your mistress, to Erotium.
Men. Epi.
I?
I give it her?
Pen.
You, you, I say. Shall I
Go fetch an owl, to hoot in at your ears,
You, you? for we are both quite tir'd.
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By Jove, and all the gods, I swear, my dear,
I never gave it her: Will that content you?
Pen.
And I, I swear by Hercules! that we
Say nought but truth.
Men. Epi.
I did not give it her,
I only lent it.
Wife.
'Troth, I never lend
Your coat, nor cloak abroad. 'Tis right for women
To lend out women's garments; men, their own.
Won't you return my robe?
Men. Epi.
The robe, I'll see
Shall be return'd—
Wife.
'Tis the best way.—For you
Shall never set a foot within your doors,
Unless you bring my robe.
Men. Epi.
Not set a foot
Within my doors?
Pen.
[to the Wife.]
What recompence for me,
Who have assisted you?
Wife.
When you have had
A loss like mine, I'll do the same for you.
Pen.
By Pollux' temple that will never be;
For I have nought at home to lose. The gods
Confound you both, both of you, wife and husband!
I'll hie me to the Forum: for I find
'Tis now quite over with me in this family.
[Exeunt Peniculus and the Wife, severally.
Men. Epi.
My Wife then thought she'd done a mighty matter,
In threatning thus, to shut me out of doors;
As if I had not a far better place,
Where I shall be admitted. Well, if I
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But I shall please Erotium; and she ne'er
Will shut me out, but rather shut me in.
Well, I'll go in, and pray her to return
The robe I just now gave her, and instead
Of that, I'll purchase her a better. Ho!
Who's porter here? Open the door, and call
Erotium hither.
SCENE III.
Enter EROTIUM.Erot.
Who inquires for me?
Men. Epi.
'Tis one, who to himself is more an enemy,
Than such to you.
Erot.
My dear Menæchmus, why
Do'st stand before the door? Follow me in.
Men. Epi.
Stay here a little. Do you know the reason
I now come to you?
Erot.
I know it very well:
'Tis to amuse yourself along with me.
Men. Epi.
That robe I lately gave you, prithee, love,
Restore it.—For my wife hath been appris'd,
And knows the whole affair from first to last.
I'll buy one for you twice as rich, you'll like—
Erot.
I gave it you but now, to carry it
To th'embroiderer's; with it, a bracelet
To give the jeweller to set a-new.
Men. Epi.
You gave to me a bracelet, and the robe?
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I went directly to the market-place:
Now first return I; nor have seen you since.
Erot.
I see through your design: because I trusted you,
You would deceive me; that 'tis you would do.
Men. Epi.
I do not ask you for it to defraud you,
But tell you, that my wife knows all the affair.
Erot.
Nor did I ask you for it: you yourself
Gave it me freely; as a gift, you gave it;
And now demand it back. Well, be it so:
Let it be your's, take it; make use of it,
You or your wife, preserve it as your eyes:
But don't deceive yourself; after this day
You never shall set foot within my doors,
Since you have treated with contempt a woman,
Who has not merited such usage from you.
Next time you come, be sure bring money with you,
You shall not have to visit me for nothing.
Henceforth find some one else to disappoint.
Men. Epi.
You are too hasty—Hark you!—Stay—Come back
Erot.
Still are you there? and dare on my account
Still to return?
[Exit Erotium.
Men. Epi.
She's gone—has shut the door.
Now I'm turn'd out indeed: nor can I gain
Credit, or from my mistress or my wife.
I'll go, consult my friends in the affair.
[Exit.
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SCENE IV.
Enter MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES, with the robe.Men. Sos.
'Twas foolish in me when but now I trusted
My purse with all that's in it, to Messenio.
He has got, I doubt, into some brothel with it.
Enter the WIFE of Menæchmus of Epidamnum.
Wife.
I'll now see if my husband is come home.
But see, he's here! All's well, he brings my robe.
Men. Sos.
I wonder where Messenio can be got!
Wife.
I'll go, and talk to him as he deserves.—
Art not asham'd, vile man, to appear before me,
And with this robe?
Men. Sos.
Why, what's the matter, woman?
What is't disturbs you!
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Dare you, impudence!
Mutter a single word, or speak to me?
Men. Sos.
What have I done, I should not dare to speak?
Wife.
What! do you ask me? O, consummate impudence!
Men. Sos.
Did you ne'er hear, good woman, why the Grecians
Call'd Hecuba a bitch?
Wife.
Not that I know of.
Men. Sos.
Because she did the same that you do now;
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And therefore, rightly did they call her bitch.
Wife.
I cannot bear these scandalous reproaches:
I'd rather be a widow all my life,
Than bear these vile reflections you throw on me.
Men. Sos.
What is't to me, whether you live as married,
Or parted from your husband? Is it thus
The custom to sing out such idle stories
To strangers on their first arrival here?
Wife.
What idle stories? No, I will not bear it,
I'd rather live a widow, than endure
Your humours any longer.
Men. Sos.
'Troth, for me
Long as you please, you've leave to live a widow:
As long as Jupiter shall keep his kingdom.
Wife.
You would not own but now, you stole that robe,
And now you hold it out before my eyes?
What! are you not asham'd?
Men. Sos.
By Hercules!
You are an impudent and wicked woman,
To dare to say this robe was stol'n from you;
When it was given me by another woman,
To get it alter'd for her.
Wife.
Yes, by Castor!
I'll call my father hither, and lay open
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[to a Servant.]
Seek for my father, bring him with you; say,
'Tis proper he should come.—I'll tell him all
Your horrid usage.—
Men. Sos.
Are you in your senses?
What horrid usage?
Wife.
How you have filch'd from me
My robe, my gold, from me who are your wife,
And giv'n them to your mistress—Say I not
The very truth?—
Men. Sos.
I prithee, woman, say
Where I may sup, to charm me from your tongue.
I know not whom you take me for—For you,
I know as much of Parthaon.
Wife.
Tho' you mock me,
You can't, by Pollux! serve my father so,
Who's just now coming hither—Look behind.
Say, do you know him?
Men. Sos.
Just as I know Chalcas.
The very day that I saw you, before
This day did I see him—
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Dar'st thou deny
That thou know'st me, deny thou know'st my father?
Men. Sos.
I'd say the same thing, did'st thou bring thy grandfather.
Wife.
By Castor! you are like yourself in all things.
SCENE V.
Enter OLD MAN.Old Man.
Fast, as my age permits, and as the occasion
Calls, will I push my steps, and hasten forward.
How easily, I easily may guess.
My speed forsakes me; I'm beset with age;
I bear a weak, yet heavy laden body.
Old age is a sad pedlar; on his back
Carrying along a pack of grievances.
It would be tedious to recount them all;
But this affair I cannot well digest.
What should this matter be, which makes my daughter
Want me to come to her in such a hurry?
She does not tell me what the business is,
What 'tis she wants, nor why she sends for me;
Yet I can give a shrewd guess, what it is:
I'm apt to think, some quarrel with her husband.
Such is their way, who of their portions proud,
Would keep their husbands under government.
Nor are the husbands often without fault.
But there are bounds how far a wife should go.
Nor does my daughter send to see her father,
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Some quarrel has arisen. What it is,
I soon shall know.—For, look, I see her there,
Before the door; and with her too, her husband,
Whose looks are pensive—'Tis as I suspected—
I'll call her.—
Wife.
I'll go meet him—Happiness
Attend you, father!
Old Man.
That good will to you!
Am I come here to see things go on well?
Wherefore your order, that I should be sent for?
Why are you pensive, say? and what's the reason
Your husband keeps aloof in anger from you?
The reason I know not, but there has been
Some bickering between you—Who's in fault?
Tell in few words—No long discourse about it.—
Wife.
I am in nought to blame, be easy then
As to that point, my father. But I cannot
Live longer with him, nor stay longer here.
Therefore, I beg you take me hence away.
Old Man.
Say, what's the matter?
Wife.
Matter? I am made
A laughing-stock.
Old Man.
By whom?
Wife.
By him you've made
My husband.
Old Man.
So! a quarrel! say, how often
I've warn'd you both, not to complain to me.
Wife.
How can I help it, Sir?
Old Man.
What! ask you me?
Wife.
Yes, if you'll give me leave.
Old Man.
How many times
Have I advis'd you to conform to your husband?
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Or what he is about.
Wife.
But he's in love,
Here in the neighbourhood, with a courtezan.
Old Man.
He's wise in that: and by that care of yours,
In thus observing him, I would advise him
To love still more.
Wife.
He drinks there, too.
Old Man.
For you,
Think you he'll ever drink the less, or there,
Or elsewhere, as he likes? What impudence!
Do you insist, he never sup abroad,
Nor entertain a stranger at your house?
Would you, your husband should obey your pleasure?
You may as well require him to partake
Your work with you, and sit among the maids,
And card the wool.
Wife.
I find, Sir, I have brought you
No advocate for me, but for my husband.
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Yet plead for his.—
Old Man.
Was he in ought to blame,
I should condemn him more than I do you.
But when I see he keeps you richly cloth'd,
Allows you servants, and a plenteous table,
A wife thus treated, should in my opinion
Bear towards him a more equal mind.
Wife.
But he
Pilfers my gold, my robe from out my chest;
Robs me, and carries to his courtezans
My richest ornaments.
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If he acts thus,
He acts amiss: if not, you act but ill,
When you accuse one that is innocent.
Wife.
Why, even at this very instant, Sir,
He has a bracelet, and a robe of mine,
Which he bore off here to this courtezan;
And now he finds I know it, brings them back.
Old Man.
'Tis right to know these matters from himself:
I will accost, and speak to him. Say, Menæchmus,
What's your dispute? Give me at once to know it.
Why are you pensive? And why is your wife
In wrath against you?
Men. Sos.
Whosoe'er you are,
Whate'er's your name, I call great Jupiter,
And all the gods to witness—
Old Man.
Why, and wherefore?
Men. Sos.
That I this woman ne'er have injur'd; her,
Who raves about my stealing from her house
This robe, and bearing of it off. If ever
I've once set foot within her doors, I wish
I may become the veriest wretch alive.
Old Man.
Have you your senses when you make that wish?
Or, when deny that ever you set foot
Within that house, where you reside yourself?
O, of all madmen the most mad!
Men. Sos.
Old man,
And do you say, that I inhabit here?
Old Man.
Do you deny it?
Men. Sos.
By Hercules, I do!
Wife.
'Tis impudence to do so. But you mean,
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Old Man.
Come hither,
Daughter—And you, [to him]
what say you now?
This night went you from hence?
Men. Sos.
Whither? for what I pray you?
Old Man.
I know not. I.
Wife.
'Tis plain he banters you.
Old Man.
[to her]
What, can'st not hold thy tongue? Truly, Menæchmus,
You've jested long enough: now to the purpose.
Men. Sos.
Pray, what have you to do with me? what business?
Say whence you come; and who you are; and what
I've done to you, or to this woman here,
That ye thus teaze me?—
Wife.
How his eyes shine! See!
A greenish colour spreads o'er all his temples,
O'er all his forehead. See his eyes! they sparkle!
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[aside.]
Since they will have me mad, what can I do?
Better then feign a madness, I may thus
Fright them away.—
Wife.
Look how he yawns and stretches!
What shall I do, my father!
Old Man.
Come this way,
As far off from him as you can, my child.
Men. Sos.
Evoï, Evoï! Bacchus son of Jove,
Why dost thou call me to the wood to hunt?
I hear you, but I cannot stir from hence,
This woman on the left side, watches me
Like a mad dog; on t'other, this old goat,
Who often in his life has by false witness
Destroy'd the guiltless man.—
Old Man.
Woe on thy life!
Men. Sos.
See where Apollo from his oracle
Commands me to burn out both that woman's eyes,
With lighted torches.
Wife.
I'm undone, my father!
He threatens me, to burn out both my eyes.
Men. Sos.
[aside.]
Alas! they say I'm mad, yet they themselves
Are much more mad than I.
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Hark, you! my daughter!
Wife.
Your pleasure, Sir? What shall we do?
Old Man.
Suppose
I call my servants quickly—I'll bring them, those
Shall carry him into the house, there bind him,
'Ere he make more disturbance.—
Men. Sos.
On my word, [aside.]
Unless I take great care, they'll bear me off
By force into their house. Yes, thou hast order'd me,
Not to forbear the thrusting of my fists
Into her face, unless she marches off
Far from my sight, and goes and hangs herself.
Yes, yes, Apollo, I obey thy orders.
Old Man.
Run home, my daughter, run into the house
Fast as you can, lest he belabour you.
Wife.
I fly. I pray you take good heed, my father,
That he escape not. An unhappy wife
Am I, to hear all this.
[Exit.
Men. Sos.
I've sent her off, [aside.]
Not ill. And now must I send after her
This more than filthy fellow, this old grey beard,
This totterer, this old Tithon, son of Cygnus—
'Tis thy command that I should break his limbs,
[aloud.]
His bones, his joints, with that same staff he carries.
Old Man.
Touch, or come nearer me, and you'll repent it.
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Yes, I will do as you have order'd me,
Take up this two-edg'd axe, bone this old fellow,
And cut his bowels piece-meal.
Old Man.
'Troth, I must
Take care tho' of myself—I am afraid,
He'll do a mischief to me, as he threatens.
Men. Sos.
Apollo! fast thou pour'st thy great behests—
Now thou command'st me, harness my wild steeds,
Fierce and untam'd; and now to mount my car
And crush in pieces this Getulian lion,
This stinking, toothless beast.—Now do I mount,
And now I shake the reins—I take the lash;
Now fly, my steeds, and let your sounding hoofs
Tell your swift course—Shew in the turn your speed.
Old Man.
And dost thou threaten me with harness'd steeds?
Men. Sos.
Again, Apollo! thou again command'st me
To rush upon yon fellow that stands there,
And murder him. But who is this, that by
My fluttering tresses plucks me from my car,
The dire commands revoking of Apollo?
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A sharp and obstinate distemper this!
Ye gods! is't possible, a man who seem'd
So well but now, should fall so suddenly
Into so strange a malady? Away,
I must make hast, and send for a physician.
[Exit.
Men. Sos.
What! are they gone? Are they both fled my sight?
Who forc'd me in my wits to feign the madman.
What hinders now, to 'mbark me, while I'm well?
I beg you, Sirs, [to the spectators.]
if the old man return,
Not to discover, down what street I took.—
[Exit.
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End of the Fourth Act.
| The Twin Brothers | |