University of Virginia Library

SCENE II.

Enter PERIPLECTOMENES, speaking to his Servants within.
If ye don't break his legs, whatever stranger
Ye shall hereafter see upon the tiles,
Your sides shall suffer for't.—Why now forsooth,
My neighbours, they are witnesses of all
That passes in my house, when thus they look
Down through the sky-light.—I command you all,
Whomever ye shall see upon the tiles
Belonging to this captain here, except
Palæstrio only, push him headlong down
Into the street, though he pretends forsooth
That he is only looking for an hen,
A pigeon, or a monkey: Woe be to you,
If you don't beat the rascal e'en to death.

Pal.
Something is done amiss, I know not what,
To the old fellow by our family,
As far as I can hear, since he has order'd
That they should break my fellow servant's legs:
But me he has excepted: nothing care I,
How he shall serve the rest. I'll make up to him.
Is he not coming tow'rds me? Sure he is.—
Periplectomenes! your servant, Sir.

Per.
Oh,—if I were to wish, there are not many
I'd rather see and talk with than yourself.

Pal.
Why? wherefore? what's the matter?

Per.
All's discover'd!

Pal.
What all's discover'd?

Per.
From our tiles e'en now
One of your family, I know not who,
Saw through the sky-light all that past within;
Philocomasium and my guest he saw
Exchanging kisses.

Pal.
Ha—who saw them?

Per.
'Twas
Your fellow-servant.

Pal.
Which?

Per.
I know not that,
So suddenly he took himself away.

Pal.
My ruin I suspect.

Per.
As he went off,
“Hoa there, cried I, what do you on our tiles?”
The runaway replied, he had been seeking
A monkey that had stray'd.

Pal.
Ah me! that I
Should suffer for a beast so little worth.—
But is the lady with you still?

Per.
She was,
When I came out.

Pal.
Then, soon as e'er she can,
Bid her return to us, that our domestics
May see she is at home, unless she wills,
That we poor servants should be put to torture
By reason of her love.

Per.
I bade her do it:
Would you ought else?

Pal.
I would. Pray tell her this;
She must use cunning, prove her an apt scholar,
And hold unchang'd her colour.

Per.
Wherefore? how?

Pal.
That he, who saw her, may be wrought upon
To think he saw her not: nay, though he saw her
An hundred times, she must deny it still.
She has a lying tongue, a wit that's ripe
For mischief, an assurance so undaunted,
Nothing can shake it: whosoe'er accuse her,
She would not stick at perjury to refute him.
She has at home, within herself, a mind
Fraught with false words, false actions, and false oaths,
Tricks, stratagems, devices, and intrigues.
Nor need a woman, that is bent on ill,
Seek from abroad the means, who is herself
All plot.

Per.
I'll tell her this, if she's within here.
But what is it, Palæstrio, in your mind
You're with yourself revolving?

Pal.
Peace awhile,—
While that I call a council in my breast,
Consulting how to act, what craft t'oppose
Against my crafty fellow-servant, he
Who saw the lovers billing,—so that what
Was seen may not be seen.

Per.
I prithee, seek it:
Mean time I'll get me at a distance from you.—
(Retires.
Look!—how he stands apart, with brow severe,
As wrapt in thought, and full of cares:—His hand
Knocks at his breast;—I fancy, he's about
To call his heart out. See, he shifts his posture,
And leaning his left elbow on his thigh
The fingers of his right hand he employs,
As it should seem, in reckoning some account;
And his right thigh he smites so vehemently,
As speaks him with his thoughts dissatisfied:
And now he snaps his fingers: how he's work'd!
And ever and anon he shifts his place:
See, see, he nods his head: he likes it not,
What he has hit upon; for nothing crude
Will he at length bring forth, but well digested.
But see, he builds his head up, and his arm
Serves as a pillar to support his chin.
Fye, fye,—in troth I do not like this building;
For I have heard a certain poet us'd
To lean his head upon his elbow thus,
And in close custody he liv'd confin'd.
Bravo! O brave! how well he plays his part!
Ne'er will he rest, till he has perfected
What he's in search of.—Oh, he has it sure.—
Come—to the business—mind what you're about:
Awake, and do not sleep; unless you chuse
To have your back chequer'd with stripes: Awake,
I tell you: don't be idle: Hoa, 'tis I
That speak to you, Palæstrio: Wake, I say;
Why wake, I say: 'tis day-light, man.

Pal.
I hear you.

Per.
Do you not see your foes are coming on you?
Do you not know they'll lay siege to your back?
Consult on measures then; procure assistance:
Do it with speed; no sluggishness is fitting:
Get of your foes the start; draw forth your army;
Besiege them first; and for yourself provide
A safe-guard and defence; cut off their convoys;
Secure yourself a passage, that provisions
May unmolested reach you and your troops.
Look to the business: the affair is sudden:
Invent, contrive, find some expedient strait,
Some counsel on the spot, that what was seen
May seem not seen, what done not done at all.
Grand is the enterprize: yet say the word,
That you will take it on yourself alone,
My heart is confident that we shall rout them.

Pal.
I say it then,—I take it on myself.

Per.
And I, whatever you require, will grant.

Pal.
Heav'ns bless you!

Per.
But, good friend, impart to me
What is it you've devis'd.

Pal.
Then list in silence,
While I admit you to the misteries
Of all my cunning: you shall know my counsels
Ev'n as myself.

Per.
What you entrust me with
You shall have back entire upon demand.

Pal.
My master's thicker than the elephant's hide,
Has no more wisdom than a stone.

Per.
I know it.

Pal.
Now this is my devise: I will pretend
That a twin-sister of Philocomasium
(As like her as one drop of milk to another)
Is with a certain gallant come from Athens,
And that they lodge with you.

Per.
O bravo! bravo!
An exquisite conceit! I 'plaud your thought.

Per.
So if my fellow servant should accuse
Our lady to the captain, that he saw her
Caressing of another, on my part
I'll argue t'was her sister that he saw,
With her own lover kissing and embracing.

Per.
Most excellent! And I will say the same,
If that the captain should enquire of me.

Pal.
Be sure you say, they are most like each other:
The lady too must be instructed, lest
He catch her tripping, should he question her.

Per.
Most artful the contrivance!—But suppose
That he should want to see them both together
In the same place:—What then is to be done?

Pal.
That's easy: you may find enough excuses:
She's not at home, she is gone out a walking,
She is asleep, she's dressing, she is bathing,
She's busy, she's at dinner, not at leisure,
She cannot come: as many as you will
Of these put-offs you'll readily think on, if
We can induce him to believe at once
Our first grand fib.

Per.
It likes me what you say.

Pal.
Then go you in, and if the lady's with you,
Bid her come home to us immediately.
Acquaint her with these matters, and instruct her,
That she may comprehend the plot, which now
We're entering on, concerning her twin-sister.

Per.
I warrant, you shall find her aptly tutor'd.
Would you ought else?

(Going.)
Pal.
No, go, Sir.

Per.
I am gone.

[Exit Periplectomenes.