 | [John] Bell's Edition. The Alchymist |  |
ACT V.
SCENE, a Street.Enter Lovewit and Neighbours.
Lovewit.
Has there been such resort, say you?
1 Nei.
Daily, Sir,
2 Nei.
And nightly too.
3 Nei.
Ay, some as brave as lords.
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Ladies and gentlewomen.
5 Nei.
Citizens wives, and knights in coaches.
2 Nei.
Yes, and oyster-women.
1 Nei.
Beside other gallants.
3 Nei.
Sailors' wives.
4 Nei.
Tobacco-men.
5 Nei.
Another Pimlico!
‘Love.
What should my knave advance,
‘To draw this company? He hung out no banners
‘Of a strange calf, with five legs, to be seen?
‘Or a huge lobster, with fix claws?
‘6 Nei.
No, Sir.
‘3 Nei.
We had gone in then, Sir.
‘Love.
He has no gift
‘Of teaching i' the nose, that e'er I knew of.
‘You saw no bills set up that promis'd cure
‘Of agues, or the tooth-ach?
‘2 Nei.
No such thing, Sir.
‘Love.
Nor heard a drum struck, for baboons, or puppets?
‘5 Nei.
Neither, Sir.’
Love.
What device should he bring forth now?
I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment.
Pray, Heav'n, he ha' not kept such open house,
That he hath sold my hangings and my bedding;
I left him nothing else. If he have eat them,
A plague o' the mouth, say I. ‘Sure he has got
‘Some bawdy pictures, to call all this gang.’
When saw you him?
1 Nei.
Who, Sir? Jeremy?
2 Nei.
Jeremy, butler?
We saw him not this month.
Love.
How!
4 Nei.
Not these five weeks, Sir.
6 Nei.
These six weeks, at the least.
Love.
Y' amaze me, neighbours!
5 Nei.
Sure, if your worship know not where he is,
He's slipp'd away.
6 Nei.
Pray Heav'n, he be not made away. [He knocks.
Love.
Ha! It's no time to question, then.
6 Nei.
About
Some three weeks since, I heard a doleful cry,
As I sat up, a mending my wife's stockings.
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This's strange, that none will answer!
Didst thou hear
A cry, say'st thou?
6 Nei.
Yes, Sir, like unto a man
That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.
2 Nei.
I heard it too, just this day three weeks at two o'clock
Next morning.
Love.
These be miracles, or you make 'em so.
A man an hour strangled, and could not speak,
And both you heard him cry!
3 Nei.
Yes, downward, Sir.
Love.
Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray thee.
What trade art thou?
3 Nei.
A smith, an't please your worship.
Love.
A smith! then lend me thy help to get this door open.
3 Nei.
That I will, presently, Sir; but fetch my tools.
[Exit.
1 Nei.
Sir, best to knock again, afore you break it.
Enter Face.
Love.
I will.
Face.
What mean you, Sir?
All Nei.
Oh, here's Jeremy!
Face.
Good Sir, come from the door.
Love.
Why, what's the matter?
Face.
Yet farther; you are too near yet.
Love.
I' the name of wonder, what means the fellow?
Face.
The house, Sir, has been visited.
Love.
Stand thou then farther.
Face.
No, Sir, I had it not.
Love.
Who had it then? I left
None else but thee i' the house.
Face.
Yes, Sir, my fellow,
The cat that kept the buttery, had it on her
A week before I spied it; but I got her
Convey'd away i' the night. And so I shut
The house up for a month—
Love.
How!
Face.
Purposing then, Sir.
T'have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar.
And ha' made it sweet, that you should ne'er ha' known it.
Because I knew the news would but afflict you, Sir.
Love.
Why, this is stranger!
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Have still been open—
Face.
How, Sir!
Love.
Gallants, men, and women,
And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here
In threaves, these ten weeks, as to a second Hogs-den,
In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright.
Face.
Sir,
Their wisdoms will not say so!
Love.
To-day, they speak
Of coaches and gallants; one in a French hood
Went in, they tell me; and another was seen
In a velvet gown at the window; divers more
Pass in and out.
Face.
They did pass thro' the doors then,
Or walls, I assure their eye-sights, and their spectacles;
For here, Sir, are the keys, and here have been,
In this my pocket, now above twenty days.
‘And for before, I kept the fort alone there.
‘But that 'tis not yet deep i' the afternoon,
‘I should believe my neighbours had seen double
‘Thro' the black pot, and made these apparitions:’
For, on my faith to your worship, for these three weeks,
And upwards, the door has not been open'd.
Love.
Strange!
Nei.
Good faith, I think I saw a coach.
Love.
Do you but think it now?
And but one coach?
4 Nei.
We cannot tell, Sir; Jeremy
Is a very honest fellow.
Face.
Did you see me at all?
1 Nei.
No; that we are sure on.
Love.
Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on!
Re-enter 3 Neighbour.
3 Nei.
Is Jeremy come?
1 Nei.
Oh, yes! you may leave your tools;
We were deceiv'd; he says he has had the keys,
And the door has been shut these three weeks.
3 Nei.
Like enough.
Love.
Peace, and get hence, you changelings.
Face.
[Aside.]
Surly come!
And Mammon made acquainted! They'll tell all.
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Nothing's more wretched than a guilty conscience.
Enter Surly and Mammon.
Sur.
No, Sir, he was a great physician. This,
It was no bawdy-house, but a mere chancel.
You knew the Lord and his sister.
Mam.
Nay, good Surly—
Sur.
The happy word, Be rich—
Mam.
Play not the tyrant.
Sur.
Should be to-day pronounc'd to all your friends.
And where be your andirons now, and your brass pots,
That should ha' been golden flaggons, and great wedges?
Mam.
Let me but breathe. What! they ha' shut their doors,
Methinks.
Sur.
Ay, now, 'tis holy-day with them.
Mam.
Rogues,
Cozeners, impostors, bawds!
Face.
What mean you, Sir?
[Mam. and Surly knock.
Mam.
To enter, if we can.
Face.
Another man's house!
Here is the owner, Sir; turn to him,
And speak your business.
Mam.
Are you, Sir, the owner?
Love.
Yes, Sir.
Mam.
And are those knaves within your cheaters?
Love.
What knaves, what cheaters?
Mam.
Subtle, and his Lungs.
Face.
The gentleman is distracted, Sir. No lungs
Nor lights ha' been seen here these three weeks, Sir;
Within these doors, upon my word.
Sur.
Your word!
Groom arrogant.
Face.
Yes, Sir; I am the housekeeper,
And know the keys ha' not been out o' my hands.
Sur.
This's a new Face.
Face.
You do mistake the house, Sir.
What sign was't at?
Sur.
You rascal! This is one
O' the confederacy. Come, let's get officers,
And force the door.
Love.
Pray you, stay, gentlemen.
Sur.
No, Sir, we'll come with warrant.
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Ay, and then
We shall ha' your doors open.
[Exeunt Sur. and Mam.
Love.
What means this?
Face.
I cannot tell, Sir.
1 Nei.
These are two o' the gallants,
That we do think we saw.
Face.
Two of the fools!
You talk as idly as they. Good faith, Sir,
I think the moon has craz'd them all!—Oh, me,
The angry boy come too! He'll make a noise,
And ne'er away till he have betray'd us all.
[Aside.
Enter Kastril.
Kas.
What rogues, bawds, slaves! you'll open the door anon.
[Kastril knocks.
Punk, Cockatrice, my suster. By this light
I'll fetch the Marshal to you. You are a whore,
To keep your castle.—
Face.
Who would you speak with, Sir?
Kas.
The bawdy Doctor, and the cozening Captain,
And Puss, my suster.
Love.
This is something, sure!
Face.
Upon my trust, the doors were never open, Sir.
Kas.
I have heard all their tricks told me twice over,
By the fat knight, and the lean gentleman.
Love.
Here comes another.
Face.
Ananias too!
And his pastor!
[Aside.
Enter Ananias and Tribulation.
Ana.
Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire;
Your stench is broke forth: abomination
Is in the house.
Kas.
Ay, my suster's there.
Ana.
The place
Is become a cage of unclean birds.
Kas.
Yes, I will fetch the scavenger and the constable.
Trib.
You shall do well.
Ana.
We'll join to weed them out.
Kas.
You will not come then, Punk device, my suster?
Ana.
Call her not sister. She's a harlot, verily.
Kas.
I'll raise the street.
Love.
Good gentlemen, a word—
Ana.
Satan, avoid, and hinder not our zeal.
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The world's turn'd Bedlam.
Face.
These are all broke loose
Out of St. Kath'rine's, where they use to keep
The better sort of mad folks.
1 Nei.
All these persons
We saw go in and out here.
2 Nei.
Yes, indeed, Sir.
3 Nei.
These were the parties.
Face.
Peace, you drunkards. Sir,
I wonder at it! Please you to give me leave
To touch the door; I'll try an the lock be chang'd.
Love.
It 'mazes me!
Face.
Good faith, Sir, I believe
There's no such thing. 'Tis all deceptio visus.
Would I could get him away!
[Dapper cries out within.
Dap.
Master Captain, Master Doctor.
Love.
Who's that?
Face.
Our clerk within, that I forgot! [Aside.]
I know not, Sir.
Dap.
For God's sake, when will her Grace be at leisure?
Face.
Ha!
Illusions, some spirit o' the air!—His gag i smelted,
And now he sets out the throat.
[Aside.
Dap.
I'm almost stifled.
Face.
Would you were altogether.
[Aside.
Love.
'Tis i' the house.
Ha! list—
Face.
Believe it, Sir, i' the air.
Love.
Peace you—
Dap.
Mine aunt's Grace does not use me well.
Sub.
You fool,
Peace, you'll mar all.
Face.
Or you will else, you rogue.
Love.
Oh, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!
Come, Sir, no more o' your tricks, good Jeremy;
The truth's the shortest way.
Face.
Dismiss this rabble, Sir.
What shall I do? I am catch'd.
[Aside.
Love.
Good neighbours,
I thank you all. You may depart. Come, Sir,
You know that I am an indulgent master;
And therefore conceal nothing. What's your med'cine,
To draw so many several sorts of wild-fowl?
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Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit:
(But here's no place to talk on't i' the street.)
Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune,
And only pardon me th'abuse of your house;
It's all I beg. I'll help you to a widow,
In recompence, that you shall give me thanks for,
Will make you seven years younger, and a rich one.
'Tis but your putting on a Spanish cloak.
I have her within. You need not fear the house;
It was not visited.
Love.
But by me, who came
Sooner than you expected.
Face.
It is true, Sir.
Pray you, forgive me.
Love.
Let's see your widow.
[Exeunt.
SCENE, a Chamber.
Enter Subtle, Dapper, and Dol.
Sub.
How! ha' you eaten your gag?
Dap.
Yes, faith, it crumbled
Away i' my mouth.
Sub.
You ha' spoil'd all then.
Dap.
No;
I hope my aunt of Fairy will forgive me.
Sub.
Your aunt's a gracious lady; but, in troth,
You were to blame.
Dap.
The fume did overcome me,
And I did do't to stay my stomach. Pray you,
So satisfy her Grace.
Enter Face.
Face.
How now! Is his mouth down?
Sub.
Ay, he has spoken.
Face.
A pox! I heard him, and you too—He's undone, then—
I have been fain to say the house is haunted
With spirits, to keep Churl back.
Sub.
And hast thou done it?
Face.
Sure, for this night.
Sub.
Why, then triumph and sing
Of Face so famous, the precious king
Of present wits.
Face.
Did you not hear the coil
About the door?
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Yes, and I dwindled with it.
Face.
Shew him his aunt, and let him be dispatch'd:
I'll send her to you.
Drugger is at the door; go take his suit,
And bid him fetch a parson presently.
Say, he shall marry the widow. ‘Thou shalt spend
‘A hundred pounds by the service.’ [Exeunt Dapper. and Subtle.]
Now, Queen Dol,
Ha' you pack'd up all?
Dol.
Yes.
Face.
And how do you like
The Lady Pliant?
Dol.
A good dull innocent.
Re-enter Subtle.
Sub.
Here's your Hieronymo's cloak and hat.
Face.
Give me 'em.
Sub.
And the ruff too.
Face.
Yes: I'll come to you presently.
[Exit.
Sub.
Now he is gone about his project, Dol,
I told you of, for the widow.
Dol.
'Tis direct
Against our articles.
Sub.
Well, we'll fit him, wench.
Hast thou gull'd her of her jewels, or her bracelets?
Dol.
No, but I will do't.
Sub.
Soon at night, my Dolly,
When we are shipp'd, and all our goods aboard,
Eastward for Ratcliff, we will turn our course
To Brainford, westward, if thou say'st the word,
And take our leave of this o'erweening rascal,
This peremptory Face.
Dol.
Content; I'm weary of him.
Sub.
We'll tickle it at the Pigeons,
When we have all, and may unlock the trunks,
And say, this's mine and thine, and thine and mine.
[They kiss.
Enter Face.
Face.
What now, a billing?
Sub.
Yes, a little exalted,
In the good passage of our stock affairs.
‘Face.
Drugger has brought his parson; take him in, Subtle,
‘And send Nab back again to wash his face.
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I will: and shave himself.
[Exit.
‘Face.
If you can get him.
‘Dol.
You are hot upon it, Face, whate'er it is!
‘Face.
A trick, that Dol shall spend ten pounds a month by.
‘Is he gone?
‘Enter Subtle.
‘Sub.
The chaplain waits you i' the hall, Sir.
‘Face.
I'll go bestow him.
[Exit.
‘Dol.
He'll now marry her instantly.
‘Sub.
He cannot yet, he is not ready. Dear Dol,
‘Cozen her all thou canst. To deceive him
‘Is no deceit, but justice that would break
‘Such an inextricable tie as ours was.
‘Dol.
Let me alone to fit him.
‘Enter Face.
Face.
Come, my venturers,
You ha' packed up all? Where be the trunks? Bring forth.
Sub.
Here.
Face.
Let us see them. Where's the money?
Sub.
Here.
Face.
The brethren's money, this. Drugger's and Dapper's in this,
Mammon's ten pounds: eight score before.
Where be the French petticoats,
And girdles, and hangers?
Sub.
Here i' the trunk,
And the bolts of lawn.
Face.
Is Drugger's damask there?
Sub.
Yes.
Face.
Give me the keys.
Dol.
Why you the keys?
Sub.
No matter, Dol; because
We shall not open them, before he comes.
Face.
'Tis true, you shall not open them, indeed;
Nor have them forth. Do you see? Not forth, Dol.
Dol.
No!
Face.
No, my smock-rampant. The right is, my master
Knows all, has pardon'd me, and he will keep them;
Doctor, 'tis true (you look) for all your figures:
I sent for him indeed. Wherefore, good partners,
Both he, and she, be satisfy'd: for here
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'Twixt Subtle, Dol, and Face. All I can do,
Is to help you over the wall, o' the backside;
Or lend you a sheet to save your velvet gown, Dol.
Here will be officers presently; bethink you
Of some course suddenly to 'scape the dock;
For thither you'll come else. Hark you, thunder.
[Some knock.
Sub.
You are a precious fiend!
‘Off.
Open the door.’
Face.
Dol, I am sorry for thee i'faith. But hear'st thou?
It shall go hard, but I will place thee somewhere:
Thou shalt ha' my letter to mistress Amo.
Dol.
Hang you—
Face.
Or Madam Cæsarean.
Dol.
Pox upon you, rogue:
Would I had but time to beat thee.
[Exit Dol.
Face.
Subtle,
Let's know where you set up next: I'll send you
A customer, now and then, for old acquaintance:
What new course ha' you?
Sub.
Rogue, I'll hang myself,
That I may walk a greater devil than thou,
And haunt thee i'the flock-bed, and the buttery.
[Exit.
SCENE, a Street before Lovewit's House.
Lovewit above. Enter Officers, Mammon, Surly, Face, Kastril, Ananias, and Tribulation.
Love.
What do you mean, my masters!
Mam.
Open your door,
Cheaters, bawds, conjurers.
Off.
Or we'll break it open.
Love.
What warrant have you?
Off.
Warrant enough, Sir, doubt not.
Love.
Is there an officer there?
Off.
Yes, two or three for failing.
Love.
Have but patience,
And I will open it straight.
Face.
Sir, h' you done?
Is it a marriage? perfect?
Love.
Yes, my brain.
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Off with your ruff, and cloak then; be your self, Sir.
Sur.
Down with the door.
Kas.
'Slight, ding it open.
Love.
Hold,
Hold, gentleman, what means this violence?
Mam.
Where is this collier?
Sur.
And my Captain Face?
Mam.
These day-owls?
Sur.
That are birding in men's purses.
Mam.
Madam Suppository?
Kas.
Doxey, my suster?
Ana.
Locusts of the foul pit.
Tri.
Prophane as Bell and the Dragon.
Ana.
Worse than the grashoppers, or the lice of Egypt.
Love.
Good gentlemen, hear me. Are you officers,
And cannot stay this violence?
Off.
Keep the peace.
Love.
Gentlemen, what is the matter? Whom do you seek?
Mam.
The chymical cozener.
Sur.
And the Captain Pander.
Kas.
The nun my suster.
Mam.
Madam Rabbi.
Ana.
Scorpions and caterpillars.
Love.
Fewer at once, I pray you.
Off.
One after another, gentlemen, I charge you,
By virtue of my staff.
Ana.
They are the vessels
Of pride, lust, and the cart.
Love.
Good zeal, lie still
A little while.
Tri.
Peace, deacon Ananias.
Love.
The house is mine here, and the doors are open:
If there be any such persons you seek for,
Use your authority;
I am but newly come to town, and finding
This tumult 'bout my door (to tell you true)
It somewhat 'maz'd me; till my man, here, (fearing
My more displeasure) told me he had done
Somewhat an insolent part, let out my house
To a doctor, and a captain; who, what they are,
Or where they be, he knows not.
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Are they gone?
[They enter.
Love.
You may go in and search, Sir. Here, I find
The empty walls worse than I left them, smok'd,
A few crack'd pots, and glasses, and a furnace;
The cieling fill'd with poesies of the candle:
Only one gentlewoman, I met here,
That is within, that said she was a widow—
Kas.
Ay, that's my suster. I'll go thump her. Where is she?
[Exit.
Love.
And should ha' married a Spanish count, but he,
When he came to't, neglected her so grosly,
That I, a widower, am gone through with her.
Sur.
How! Have I lost her then?
Love.
Were you the Don, Sir?
Good faith, now, she does blame yo' extremely, and says
You swore, and told her, you had ta'en the pains
‘To die your beard, and umbre o'er your face,’
Borrowed a suit and ruff all for her love,
And then did nothing. What an oversight,
And want of putting forward, Sir, was this!
Well fare an old marksman, yet,
Could prime his powder, and give fire, and hit,
All in a twinkling.
Enter Mammon.
Mam.
The whole nest are fled!
Love.
What sort of birds were they?
Mam.
A kind of choughs,
Or thievish daws, Sir, that have pick'd my purse
Of eight-score and ten pounds, within these five weeks,
Beside my first materials; and my goods,
That lie i' the cellar; which I am glad they ha' left.
I may have them home yet.
Love.
Think you so, Sir?
Mam.
Ay.
Love.
By order of law, Sir, but not otherwise.
Mam.
Not mine own stuff?
Love.
Sir, I can take no knowledge,
That they are yours but by public means.
If you can bring certificate, that you were gull'd of them,
Or any formal writ out of a court,
That you did cozen yourself, I will not hold them.
Mam.
I'll rather lose them.
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That you shall not, Sir,
By me, in troth. Upon these terms they are yours.
What should they ha' been, Sir, turn'd into gold all?
Mam.
No.
I cannot tell. It may be they should. What then?
Love.
What a great loss in hope have you sustain'd?
Mam.
Not I, the commonwealth has.
I will go mount a turnip-cart, and preach
The end o' the world, within these two months.
Surly, what! In a dream?
Sur.
Must I needs cheat myself,
With that same foolish vice of honesty!
Come, let us go, and hearken out the rogues.
That Face I'll mark for mine, if e'er I meet him.
[Exeunt.
Enter Ananias and Tribulation.
Trib.
'Tis well, the saints shall not lose all yet. Go,
And get some carts—
Love.
For what, my zealous friends?
Ana.
To bear away the portion of the righteous
Out of this den of thieves.
Love.
What is that portion?
Ana.
The goods, sometime the orphans, that the brethren
Bought with their silver pence.
Love.
What, those i'the cellar,
The knight Sir Mammon claims!
Ana.
I do defy
The wicked Mammon, so do all the brethren.
Thou prophane man, I ask thee with what conscience
Thou canst advance that idol against us,
That have the seal? Were not the shillings number'd,
That made the pounds? Were not the pounds told out,
Upon the second day of the fourth week,
In the eighth month upon the table dormant,
The year of the last patience of the saints,
Six hundred and ten?
Love.
Mine earnest vehement botcher,
And deacon also, I cannot dispute with you;
But if you get you not away the sooner,
I shall confute you with a cudgel.
Ana.
Sir?
Trib.
Be patient, Ananias.
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I am strong,
And will stand up, well girt, against an host,
That threaten Gad in exile.
Love.
I shall send you
To Amsterdam to your cellar.
Ana.
I will pray there,
Against the house: may dogs defile the walls,
And wasps and hornets breed beneath thy roof,
This seat of falshood, and this cave of coz'nage.
[Exeunt Trib. and Ana.
Face.
If you get off the angry child, now, Sir—
Enter Kastril.
Kas.
Come on, you ewe, you have match'd most sweetly, ha' you not?
[To his sister.
Did I not say, I would never ha' your tup'd
But by a dubb'd boy, to make you a Lady-Tom?
'Slight, you are a mammet! Oh, I could touse you, now.
Death, mun'you marry with a pox?
Love.
You lie, boy;
As sound as you; and I'm before-hand with you.
Kas.
Anon?
Love.
Come, will you quarrel? I will seize you, sirrah.
Why do you not buckle to your tools!
Kas.
God's light!
This is a fine old boy, as e'er I saw!
Love.
What, do you change your copy, now? Proceed.
Here stands my dove? stoop at her if you dare.
Kas.
'Slight, I must love him! ‘I cannot chuse i'faith!’
And I should be hang'd for't. Suster, I protest,
I honour thee for this match.
Love.
Oh, do you so, Sir?
Kas.
Yes, an'thou canst take tobacco, and drink, old boy,
I'll give her five hundred pounds more to her marriage,
Than her own state.
Love.
Fill a pipe-full, Jeremy.
Face.
Yes, but go in, and take it, Sir.
Love.
We will.
I will be rul'd by thee in any thing, Jeremy.
That master
That had receiv'd such happiness by a servant,
In such a widow, and with so much wealth,
92
A little indulgent to that servant's wit,
And help his fortune, though with some small strain
Of his own candor.
Speak for thyself, knave.
Face.
So I will, Sir. Gentlemen,
Though I am clean
Got off from Subtle, Surly, Mammon, Dol,
Hot Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, all
With whom I traded; yet I put myself
On you that are my country; and this pelf,
Which I have got, if you do quit me, rests
To feast you often, and invite new guests.
End of the Fifth Act.
| [John] Bell's Edition. The Alchymist | |