University of Virginia Library

Actus secundus

Scæna prima.

Enter Senio, Philarchus, Engin.
Sen.
For look thee Engin, should her coy denial
Be once resisted by thy diligence,
And old Philarchus aided by thy power.

Phi.
She fears if she consent not willingly,
Wee'l force her to my bed.

Sen.
You hit me right,
But I will not drown your sweet insuing pleasures
With more supposed fears. Engin the light
A long night and a happy to my Son.

Exit.
Phi.
Could I but blow away these humble Bees,
Time should deferr my wisht delights no longer.
Oh, these court Blazers buz about my ears
And kill my heart, with poison'd jealousie.
Nay by this light wee'l wait you to your Chamber.

Within.
Phi.
Hoida, a morris dance, and she the jester.

Enter Pinnario, Procus, Valerio, Aurelia.
Pin.
Thank you for that, not see you in your Chamber:
Yes, and there leave you with a kiss sweet Bride.
Dost here if thou lov'st me, kick him out o'th bed
And wriggle into his breeches.

Aur.
You are merry Sir.

Pro.
Then Venus may'st thou rule thy crooked Vulcan,
And let a Childe of Mars rewhet this sword,
Upon thy smooth and Alabaster breast.

Phi.
My good gay friends, is it not sleeping times.

Pin.
Not yet with you these two hours Sir, I take it.

Pro.
Two hours, has this drie weather-beaten Kix
Substance and strength to suck this Sugar Cane
Two hours, two minutes, and those coughing ones.

Phi.
And yet these wrinckles put down your smooth faces.

Pin.
Thank the dim eys that made the election.

En.
Gentlemen, pray remember where you are,
And who you speak to: 'tis Auralia's husband:
A Grave experience, thrifty Citizen;
And one that (by your favours) she is pleas'd
Without compulsion to smile upon.
Since you are cast off, 'tis indiscreetly done
(In my opinion) to laugh at your own shame.

Pro.
What sword-man have we here?

Pin.
His Poet man,
That made his Verses when he was a Suitor.

En.
So, jear on.

Pin.
And to night is hir'd,
To reade the History of Palmerin,
Valiant Parismus and his lov'd Laurana,
To stir up mettle in this crumbling flesh.
What price my Geegaw, my Lute-string base and treble.

En.
Yes, my good Beagles, I have a Base hangs here
draws.
Shall sing a deep note in your wanton blouds.

Au.
Let um abuse thy Master! to um Engin.

Val.
She against us too?

Pro.
That Devil then be with her.

Exeunt Pin. Pro. Val.
Phi.
VVhat recompence shall I reward thee with,
My best best Engin, saviour of my life,
Inestimable Jewel, bright Aurelia.

En.
Let me undress you Sir, the night grows late.

Phi.
That's my good Engin, untruss me, prithee untruss me.

Au.
And truss agen, and make a Capon of him.

Phi.
How's that Aurelia? Be near me, prithee Engin.

Au.
VVhat, is't the fashion with you Citizens
To have your man to help the Bride to bed,
I must have Maids, and will have, ere I stir
Or move a finger to undress my self.

Phi.
Have patience but to night, thou shalt hereafter.

Au.
Poyson to night had fitter been apply'd:
Come hither and kiss me. His breath not perfum'd neither.

kisses him.
En.
You should have remembred kissing Comfits, Sir;
An old mans breath to a Virgin is unsavoury.

Au.
Some Perfumes there, I shall be stifled else.
Engin, what seest thou in his mouth? Look Engin.

En.
I, Madam, what should I see? I see nothing.

Au.
He has borrow'd sure a Cheek-pouch of some Monkey,
And stuft it full with Bonds and interest money;
Look how he chews the cud upon um now;
A pair of Horns would fit the Monster well.

Phi.
Nay, prithee Sweet, forbear these idle words,
And be more serious with him who loves thee.

Au.
More sottish and lie weltring with a Booby:
What dry skind monster would the Bore beget?

En.
Let your wife get the supremacy at first,
Do, and be ever after in obedience
Tide at her Girdle with a silken string.
Slight, to her Sir, and since sheel not to bed,
Let her know that you can do it up as well.
To her lustily, imbrace her, down with her.

Phi.
Help me then Engin.

En.
How, two against one woman,
Dare you assume the name of Husband, Sir,
And not compell her to obedience?
Come, you are a man Sir, shew her that you are so.

Au.
Shew him a Bason to receive his Rheum,
And not my Lips; Are they Receptacles
To dry rank spittle, or drive away hoarse coughs,
To dissolve Burs, or whiten yellow teeth,
To exhaust flegm, or consume Catharrs,
Expell the stone, or remedy the scurvy.

Phi.
Engin, where art thou, wilt not help me Engin?

Au.
Remove the Palsie, or settle shaking Agues,
Unbend crookt bones, suck moisture from sore eys.

Phi.
Why Rascal Engin, wilt not help me Engin?

En.
Troth Sir, she speaks but reason now me thinks,
And shews you a clear mirrour to behold
Your own deformities, and her abuses.

Phi.
Why she has converted him too. O my Temples.

En.
Soft Sir, you are not toucht yet to the quick,
Untruss him Mistriss, that we may see the wound.

Phi.
O Villain, Miscreant, wilt thou betray me?

En.
Las, I but honour her for your sake Master,
You shall finde me able and active in your service,
And without grunting get you lusty boys.

Phi.
I am betraid.

Au.
O beast, beraid, lets search him.
Sirrah help me, or I vow nere to kiss thee more.

They pull off Philarchus his breeches
En.
I must obey your wife for your credit Sir.

Au.
Upon my wedding-day, Ile teach you manners.

En.
These breeches would fit you Mistris passing well.

Au.
Nay I will wear um, and he shall consent to it,
Ile stifle him with um else, Sirrah dee yield?

Phi.
To what, to what, most dreadfull wife, pray name it?

En.
To let Aurelia be your sole Commandress,
Have the preheminence in all affairs,
To smile on all, kiss some, and dote on many,
To love, or lie with any, and not to grumble,

Phi.
I do, I do.

Au.
Swear, swear, thou breechless Booby.

Phi.
By my lost hopes.

En.
Out with your Paper Mistris,
And write this down, you remember what he has said.

She writes & sits astride over Philarchus
Au.
Yes, and shall call him to a strict account
To see't perform'd on Engin.

En.
To give her licence
On all occasions lawfull or unlawfull,
To ransack all your Coffers, and possess
Your Treasure for her use and maintenance.

Phi.
Release me and to all I do consent.

En.
The man does melt, forgive him Amazon.

Au.
His hand and he is free. Youl not renounce this?

He sets to his hand.
Phi.
My Religion sooner.

Au.
Kiss then and be observant:
Reply no word of thanks, I hate thy voice
Worse than the howling of a hungry Wolf.

En.
VVhere will it please you he shall lie to night?

Au.
Here take my shield and then Ile tell thee.

She gives Engin the breeches and he puts them on a Pole, and carries them before her.
Phi.
O Engin, Engin, wilt thou serve me so?

En.
Where she is pleasd to place me I must raise
The house, nay you out of your bed to night
If she commands me.

Au.
Why, the withdrawing Room.

En.
'Tis too far from your call and from your eye:
Say you should want the Chamber-pot ith' night,
Hee'd not be ready to do his duty to you:
I think your Closet fitter, Amazon.

Au.
There shield-bearer I have him under lock.

Phi.
Amazon and shield-bearer, this is fine.

Au.
Dee grumble Tetworm?

Phi.
Not I Amazon.

En.
Spend not your breath on such a water-bubble,
Come sir into the Closet, youl along Sir.

Phi.
Was ever man so cozen'd by an Engin.

Exeunt.
Enter Valerio reading a Letter.

In my absence (dear Valerio) be present with my sister,
reades
woo her, she's thine by conquest, and Octavian's bloud by my
hand let out, hath to thee resign'd her. If thou possessest what I
hope thou dost, send me word to Orleans, where in a disguize I
live undiscovered.

Thine BABILAS.

Val.
If obscur'd there, then why not here as well?
The strictness of the Edict hath power with them
As well as us, I want thee Babylas,
Enter Pinnario and Procus.
And I will have thee, or refuse thy friendship.

Pin.
Pish, what a studying now Valerio?
Prithee put up and go along with us.

Val.
VVhether, to th' Tavern?

Pro.
To th' Tavern, pensive Rascal,
No, to the Down-a-down, the plump wench,
The quick ey'd Lass Pinnario told us of.

Val.
VVhat in thy red Mantle and those cloak-bag Boots?

Pro.
Pinnario if thou lov'st me talk not on her
Till I have mangled this VVhoresons tongue.

Pin.
VVhat, thou wilt not fight?

Pro.
Yes, by this light will I.
I have commended my attire, praisd my trappings,
Yet never had good luck in um since I wore um,
Sure theyl do something when I have fought for um;
Come Sir, you that ride in Coaches, and contemn
Your foot-companions, Ile ope your bosom for you.

Val.
The Boot thou meanst, why what an ass art thou
To quarrel thus with thy friend, thy wenching friend?

Pro.
VVhy, there's the vice weakens virtue in the stomach,
VVith what a whimsie that wench comes round my head,
And stupefies and dulls my active spirits;
Give me thy hand; thou'lt to her with us then.

Val.
And from her too, so you'l put off your Boots first.

Pro.
Agen that word, Pinnario let me go.

draws.
Val.
Ile give thee another pair.

Pro.
Gifts may mollifie.

Enter Servant.
Val.
Within there. Sirrah, fetch this Gentleman
My Velvet Cloak, and a pair of walking Boots.

Pin.
Then maist thou court her in a Method Procus,
And let her all that while rip out the lining:
'Tis none of thine, Alas! thou needst not care:

Pro.
Mass, and well remembred, let me see, not a farthing.

Feels his pockets.
Pin.
—No matter, here's Apparel, Money, and credit.

Val.
Here, here, I these, these Boots will fit thee, come.

Ent. servant.
Pro.
Faith, I think they'l ne'er fit you agen.

Ser.
What shall I do with these hides, pray Sir.

Pro.
What hides, pray, Sir.

Ser.
I cry you mercy Sir. I mean your Boots.

Pro.
Why, hide 'um any where,
Drown 'um, or any thing, so I ne'er see 'um.

Ser.
I thank you Sir, I shall dispose of them.

Pro.
I prithee do.

Pin.
Come Gallants, shall we go.

Pro.
But do'e hear, by this hand Ile take the Wall,
Ile make that bargain for my new Boots sake.

Val.
Fy, how this Procus still forgets himself,
And the old customary way he used.

Pin.
'Tis his red Mantle has led him to his errour

Val.
Thou hast forgot them, there are such things as Coaches,
Hang the Wall and Kennel, they'l exempt from both.

Pro.
This 'tis to have a drabbing humour, oh these damn'd Queans.

Pin.
Come, come, we dally blades, 'tis very late.

Val.
We go Pinnario. Stay I had forgot
Boy, here take my Keys and fetch me some guilt shillings.
A cheating way my Rogues that I have invented
To entice and cosen my night play-fellows.

Pin.
Excellent.

Gives them guilt shillings.
Val.
Your hands, there's six a piece. My Coach there?

Exeunt.
Enter Philarchus.
As stealing out o' th' Closet.
Phi.
Softly, softly, thus far I am crept unheard:
If I but once escape your tallons Rooks
Ile wash, and rub, and scrub you too for this.
First, (let me see) Ile call her Father hither,
Then raise the Citie, all France too if I could:
Then to the Frier, hee'l make 'um confess all.—
Oh, I shall cough, I am undon, oh, oh,
This bur will choak me if I hoakt not up.
Engin looks out of his bed.
Hum, hum, uh, uh, uh.

En.
'Tis he, Philarchus.

Phi.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.

En.
Ile rise and terrifie him on a suddain,
He enters like a Ghost.
This sheet will dress me rarely like a Ghost.
Whose that disturbs this silent Room with coughs,
Or dares break ope his barred doors to walk,
Philarchus trembles.
And trace the path of the departed Spirits?

Phi.
The Devil haunts her too, what shall I do?

En.
Be silent and to bed, and never more
Disturb the pleasures of this sleeping pair.

Phi.
Oh no, I will not, what's thy name good Devil?

En.
I am the spirit of slain Octavian,
Oh, I could tear thee in pieces, to think that thou
Durst think on that Aurelia with lust
Which was once mine, continue thy obedience,
For if thou dost betray her, I will haunt thee,
And with pale apparitions vex thy soul.
Depart to bed, thy cold hug, not Aurelia.

Exit Ghost.
Phi.
Good Devil I am gone, how shall I do
I have forgot my way, befriend me darkness,
He gropes in the dark and goes to Aurelias bed instead of his own.
This way the closet lies I think. Uh, uh.

Au.
Who's there, Philarchus.

Phi.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Au.
Oh, that my shield-bearer could hear me now,
Ide make him ease the tickling of your throat,
His bed is not so far, but he may hear me.

Phi.
Cursed mistake.

Au.
Hoh shield-bearer awake.

En.
What ails my Amason.

Within.
Au.
Philarchus here.

En.
How's that Philarchus, nay, then put on the breeches.

Within.
Au.
Sirrah what make you here, confess, confess?

En.
Conjure up the Ghost, hee'l reveal all he intended.

Phi.
Oh, oh my heart the Ghost, dear wife forbear.

Au.
He calls me wife, call him up shield-bearer.

Enter Engin with the breeches on a Pole.
Phi.
Oh I shall shake to powder, I confess all.

En.
Without premeditation quickly, come.

Phi.
I meant this night to steal away and leave you,
Then raise old Senio, the Frier, Rogat,
And to conduct 'um hither to be witness.—

En.
Of what, speak villain?

Phi.
Of my imprisonment and—

Au.
Oh Dotard betray his Lady and Empress, the breeches.

En.
Here Amazon.

Phi.
Dear Imperiours wife take heed.
She attempts to put on the breeches.
If you do wear 'um you are quite undone,
Las, I was cur'd of the dry scab last moon.

Au.
Well, hang 'um on the pole agen, but heark you,
If you agen conjecture any escape,
Or let your frowns discover inward anger,
Ile hang 'um here, here on thy horns deviser.

Phi.
Oh misery, of a handsom wife, my forehead.

Au.
Well Ile to sleep agen, watch you the Ferret.

Exit.
Phi.
Engin, come hither.

En.
Your will Sir, what's your will.

Phi.
Hast thou indeed: lain with my wife to night
And don the feat for me? Nay, Shield-bearer.

En.
Speak softly Sir, if my Amason should hear you,
You are lost for ever.

Phi.
Why, what's the matter?

En.
Softly, you heard us strugling in the night.

Phi.
Oh yes, the bed did reel against my forehead.

En.
Well you may think I am false, but 'tis well you spoke not.

Phi.
Why, what, what projects, honest Engine tell me?

En.
Why, some fears she had that you'd discover us,
Which made her even this night intend to gueld you,
And then to swear she found you impotent,
I used what exhortations I could
In pitie to your members, and at last prevail'd
Something Octavians Ghost has told her since:
You had best take heed Sir, for he tells her all things.

Phi.
The Devils Cuckold, die, die Philarchus.

En.
Oh the sweet kisses she hung upon my lips,
When I had put Philarchus from her thoughts.
That barren piece of Earth where furrows are plow'd
That stubble fit for nothing but to burn.

Phi.
So, now I am going the way of thriving Citizens.

En.
Then with a thousand passages of Love tricks.

Phi.
No more, no more, my lust begins to boil.

En.
Why, I can help you Sir to cool't agen,
So you'l not grumble at what we possess.

Phi.
One boon, and all is thine, my wife and all.

En.
On that condition any thing, come tell me.

Phi.
Beauty has wrought so on my flexid nature,
And so increased the flame I would suppress.

En.
Oh, you'd evacuate, is that all Sir,

Phi.
Some simple harmless wench, thou knowst 'um all
Though of thy instruction, I shall not weaken her much.

En.
Why now Philarchus speaks himself a man,
And will conform himself unto the times,
His vizard is fallen off, and he's become
A smooth young striker, active, full of spirit,
His knees grow straight, his staff with fury flies him
For fear of being arreign'd for killing those
His fatall hand shall threaten, his shoulders shrink
Into his marrowy back, his eys fill up.—

Phi.
No more good Engin, I am worse than Goat already,

En.
Then for his wisdom an Isocrates.
He knows his wife (since she is young and handsom)
Must have her longings, but then hee'l have his too:
And whilst she sports at home, hee'l rut abroad:
For should he say his wife does Cuckold him,
The Town would jear him into age agen:
Besides: the proofs and confirmations,
The Lawyers Fees, with the Attorneys bribes,
Would rip his bags up, shoal away his Gold,
Undo his thrift, and cancel all his Bonds.

Phi.
True, Engin, true. VVhy, thou shalt have a stipend
From all rich Citizens to be maintain'd;
That I should study to accuse thee Engin,
VVho thus hast sav'd my honour and estate.
Get me but wenches, and I vow nere more
To think upon Aurelia but as thine.

En.
For should you mutter the disgrace is yours.

Pin.
Thou hast instructed elegantly before.

En.
As soon as day expect one in the Closet;
Your wife with men, and why not you with women?

Phi.
Ile bite thy ear thou Rascal, I will bite it.

En.
Youl spoil your better bit Sir. Softly, softly.
Exit Phi.
My mouth waters at your bed. Aurelia,
Pox on these tempting curtesies. O that I could
Un-gentleman my self and break my trust:
But should I do so? Incest and faith together
VVould lie so heavy on me, 'twould make me hang
An-arse, and then like hunting of the Hare
VVith un-breath'd Dogs, 'twill be but petty sport.
Exit Engin.

Enter Rogat and Frier.
Ro.
VVere't possible I could wish all were present.

Fr.
It will be requisit, but how which way?

Ro.
The way must be my invitation
To my sons funeral. How thinks my Father?

Fr.
I think it reasonable, but then prepare
VVhat ornaments are fitting for the Hearse;
VVe must use order in this undertaking;
About it noble Rogat, the sun begins
To shew his rays and you have much to do.

Exit Rogat.
Frier.
Prepare we for Confession,
And our souls absolution,
VVhat a world of horrid acts,
Heinous crimes, and bloudy facts,
VVhispering evils, secret thoughts,
Inward fears, and outward faults,
Big-mouth'd oaths, invented Lyes,
Bitter Curses, envious Cries,
Shall this mornings night produce,
VVhilest I pardon Heavens abuse.
But some Delinquents will so blindly run,
They'l knock their brains out 'gainst Confession.