University of Virginia Library

Scene 4.

Agurtes, Antolicus. Trimalchio, Capritio.
Agur.
Master, Trimalchio, 'tis an age since I saw you.

Trim.
I was nere out of towne.

Agur.
Not out of towne?
We sought you about all the Ordinaries,
Tauernes and Bawdyhouses, we could imagine
You euer haunted.

Trim.
You might haue found vs then.

Antol.
Nay more, we inquir'd at the Play-houses.

Agur.
'Twas once in my minde, to haue had you cryed.

Antol.
We gaue you lost.

Trim.
Well, shall I tell you, Captaine?

Antol.
I; doe, what ist?

Trim.
This Gentleman and I
Haue past through purgatory, since I saw you.
If I should tell you all the passages
At the Leager.

Antol.
Thither we came to meete you,
And you were gone.

Capr.
And then at the Iustices.

Agur.
Were you before the Iustice?

Trim.
'Tis such a story
Would fill a Chronicle.

Capr.
We met with a party of the enemies,
Tooke all we had from vs, and then it cost vs
Forty shillings in fees at the Iustices.

Agur.
That was hard dealing.

Capr.
The old boy and I
Grew to be kin at last.

Trim.
He made me sure
To my mistris, before we parted.

Agur.
How?
By what strange accident?

Trim.
Honest Ardelio,
And Misellanio, wee were all together
In rebellion, and quit by a Letter,
That came from my mistresse.

Agur.
Ist possible?
And Miscellanio turne traytor?

Trim.
What.

Agur.
Would haue your mistresse from you, thinkes the Letter
Was sent for his sake.

Trim.
That I am sure hee does not.

Agur.
Threatens, and sweares that he wil fight for her.

Trim.
If hee bee weary of his life, hee may.
Why what can hee pretend to her?

Agur.
I know not,
What has past betweene them, but I am sure,
He has beene practising at the Fencing schoole,
To get a trick to kill you.

Trim.
Hee kill mee!
I'll kill him first, I fight by Geometry.

Agur.
How? By Geometry?

Trim.
Yes sir, heere I hold
My Rapier, marke mee, in a diameter
To my body; thats the center, conceiue mee.

Antol.
Your body is the center, very good.

Trim.
And my hilt, part of the circumference.

Antol.
Well sir.

Trim.
Which hilt is bigger then my body.

Anto.
Then your whole body?

Trim.
Yes at such a distance.
And hee shall neuer hit mee, whilst hee liues.

Antol.
Where did you learne this? At the leager?

Trim.
No.
No by this light: it is my owne inuention.
I learnt it in my trauels.

Anto.
Very strange:
You are a scholler.

Tri.
No: I would not bee
Suspected of such a crime for a Million.
But tis no sinne to know Geometry;
And by that, I can tel wee shal nere fight.

Antol.
Nor fight at all?

Trim.
I'l shew you in Geometry,
Two paralels can neuer meet now wee two
Being paralels, for so wee are, that is
Equal in wit and valour, can neuer meet.
And if wee neuer meet, wee shal nere fight.

Enter Miscellanio.
Antol.
To proue your axiome false, see where hee comes.

Trim.
I do defy him.

Miscel.
Hang thee blustring sonne
Of Æolus, defy me! I'll tye vp thy breath
In bags, and sell it for a penny an ounce.

Antol.
Draw sir.

Miscel.
Draw if hee dares.

Capri.
Sure, this is the second part of the Leager.
'Twere best for me, to hide mee in my cabin.
Exit Capritio.

Miscel.
Wil you resigne your mistresse?

Trim.
No, I scorne it.

Miscel.
Vnlesse you'l haue her tane away by force.

Antol.
I see, this cannot be ended without bloud.

Trim.
Captaine, a word with you.

Anto.
What say you sir?

Trim.
I am afrayd he comes with the blacke art.

Antol.
How you afrayd? do not say so for shame.

Trim.
Hee has layne with an old witch at Sweden
And is growne stickefree.

Antol.
Fy that you shall say so.

Trim.
I'll be resolu'd of that before I fight.

Antol.
Why, do you thinke that witches haue such power?

Trim.
I marry do I, I haue knowne one of them,
Do more then that, when her husband has followed
Strange women, shee has turnd him into a Bezer,
And made him bite out his owne stones.

Antol.
Tis strange!

Trim.
I'll tell you another as strange as that, of one
When a Vintner has sent her but ill wine,
Shee has conuerted him into a Frog.
And then coniur'd him into one of his butts,
Where hee has liued twelue moneths vpon the lees,
And when his old ghests chance to come to see him,
Hee has croackt to them, out at the bunghole.

Antol.
This is miraculous.

Trim.
There was a Lawyer
That spoke against one of them at the barre.

Autol.
What did shee then?

Trim.
Turnd him into a Ram,
And still that Ram retaynes his profession,
Has many Clients, and pleads causes as well
As some Lawyers in Westminster.

Anto.
Do you thinke,
That hee has had recourse to any such?

Trim.
I know not, but tis good to bee mistrustfull.
Hee may haue aduantage in the encounter.

Enter Millescent. Margery.
Miscel.
There she comes, winne her, and weare her.

Milles.
Hold your hands.
I'll haue no bloud a prologue to my wedding.

Trim.
Nay then haue at you. Hold mee not, I say:
I am as fierce as hee.

Milles.
Bee pacified.
I thought you had beene both bound to the peace.

Antol.
Lady, it seemes, that these two Gentlemen
Do stand in competition for your loue.

Milles.
Mr Trimalchio, I confesse, has beene
A former suitor, but with his ill carriage,
He has thus long preuented his good fortune.

Antol.
Then let mee make a motion.

Milles.
What is it?

Antol.
Will they both stand to it?

Trim.
I agree.

Miscel.
And I.

Autol.
Then let the Lady dispose of her selfe.

Trim.
Shee is mine already. I am sure to her,
Before a Iustice.

Miscel.
I will haue no woman,
Against her will.

Milles.
No sir, nor you shall not,
Since you are so peremptory, on your words then
That hee shall sing a Palinodium,
And recant his ill courses, I assume
My Loue Trimalchio.

Capritio peeps out.
Capri.
Do wee take, or are we taken?

Trim.
Nay, wee do take.

Agur.
Who's that, Capritio? where haue you beene?
Come your wayes forth, and lay hands on the spoyle.
Goe lead away that Lady by the hand.
Now you may take occasion by the foretop,
Aduance your owne predominant the better,
And march away,

Trim.
Come, let vs to the Church.

Exeunt.
Trimalchio, Millescent. Capritio, Margery.
Miscel.
And what must I do now? bee laught at?

Agur.
Would you
Hazard your selfe, for one that cares not for you?
You may be glad you scap't. Recall your selfe.
Were not you formerly engagd?

Miscel.
No, neuer.

Agur.
Not to mistris Quartilla?

Miscel.
Fayth we haue toy'd
In iest sometime.

Agur.
Let it bee now in earnest.
Make her amends. I know shee loues you.

Miscel.
Well.
I will haue her, and stand vp for my portion,
With the rest of my tribe.