University of Virginia Library

Scene 4.

Agurtes like a Iustice of peace.
Antolicus his Clarke.
Agur.
What, are they come?

Antol.
Yes, sir.

Agur.
Then let mee see
How I can act it: do I looke like a Iustice?

Antol.
As fearefull as an Asse in a Lyons skinne, sir.

Agur.
Here I begin my state. Suppose mee now
Come downe the staires, out of the dining roome,
Into the hall, and thus I begin. Brisco.
Call Brisco my Clarke.

Antol.
At your elbow, sir.

Agur.
Reach mee my ensigne of authority,
My staffe I meane. Fy, fy, how dull you are,
And incomposed? Now set me in my chaire,
That I may looke like a Cathedrall Iustice,
That knew, what belongs to an Assignanimus,
And Dedimus potestatis. Nay, though we are
Of the peace, wee can giue Priscian a knocke.
Let mee alone now to determine causes,
As free from error as the Pope. Old Minos,
And Rhadmanth, are not so skilld ith vrne,
As I am in the statutes. I haue them ad vngues
Now if they enter, at their perill bee it.
How dost thou like my action?

Autol.
Very well, sir.

Agur.
Let them come in.
Enter Snarle like a Constable. Trimalchio, Capritio, Miscellanio, Ardelio.
Now Mr Constable,
I must commend your diligence. Come hither.

Snarl.
Sir I haue brough foure men before your Worship,
I found last night, at midnight, in the streets,
Raysing a tumult.

Agur.
Brisco, bee ready to take
Their examination. Good: you found foure men,
At midnight. Whose men are they?

Trim.
Our owne men, sir.

Agur.
So it seemes by your Liueries.
Write that downe; first they say, they are their owne men.

Ardel.
Sir, by your fauour, I am not my owne man.

Agnr.
I thought they would not all bee in one tale,
I knew I should find them tripping, and I
Once come to sift them. You are not your owne man.
It argues you are drunke. Write his confession,
Ex os tuum te iudico: perge Mr. Constable.

Snarle.
I hold it fit, your Worship should examine
What they did there so late.

Agur.
What did you there
So late?

Miscel.
Good Iustice Eccho, wee had busines.

Agur.
Record, they say they had busines. They shall know,
That I am Iudge of Record, and what I do
Record, shal stand, and they shal haue no power
To plead not guilty in a Scire facias,
By a Recognisance. I haue my termes.

Ardel.
Good your Worship, giue vs not such hard words.

Trim.
Tis almost as hard vsage as the Leager.

Agur.
Then you came from the Leager?

Trim.
You may reade
Some aduentures in our habit, wee haue seene,
And tasted the experience of the warres.

Miscel.
They haue made me of another religion,
I must turne Iew, I thinke, and bee circumcised.
I may be any thing, now I shall lose a Limme.
I may goe seeke my pension with the souldiers
But tis no matter, I'll turne valiant,
And fight with the stumpe.

Agur.
You are a fighter then.
This doth appeare to mee, to bee a ryot.
What thinke you, Mr. Constable?

Snarle.
I thinke no lesse.

Agur.
Twas ad terrorem populum.

Snarle.
I know not
What you meane, but I meane as your Worship meanes
I did perceiue they had beene quarelling.

Agur.
Why then 'twas an affray, a sudden affray,
Directly against the State of Northampton.
The Decimo tertio of Harry the fourth cleares the doubt.
How doe you trauerse this? what doe you answere?

Ard.
We make a question, by your Worships fauour,
Vnder correction, whether that which was
Done vnder forraine powers, in forraine Lands,
Be punishable heere or no.

Agur.
How proue you that?

Ard.
Tis a prouince by it selfe, a priuiledg'd place,
A strong corporation, and has factions
In Court and Citty.

Trim.
Is inhabited
With furies, that do multiply like Hydra:
An army of diseases can't suppresse them,
Besides their many fallings t'other way.

Agur.
I should be loth t'infringe their liberties,
Ile send you to betryed, from whence you came then.

Caprit.
O good your Worship, hang vs vp at home first,
Let vs indure the racke or the strappado,
We do submit vs to your Worships censure.

Agur.
Haue you prouided sureties for the peace then?

Ard.
More neede to prouide somethings for my belly.
I thinke they meane to keepe me for a race.
I am falne away quite, I was like a hogshead.
Now I am able to runne thorow my hoopes.

Agur.
Whats he that halts before and doe you mocke me?
Tis ill halting before a cripple, sirre.

Miscel.
This sore against my will, I can not helpe it.
Would I could runne away with halfe my teeth.

Agur.
Can't a man haue the venerable gowt,
Or the bone-ache, but you must imitate him?

Miscel.
Good Mr. Iustice.

Agur.
Mocke your fellow rogues.
I am none of those, that raysd my fortunes with
Fiddling and Tobacco. Make his Mittimus.

Snarle.
And't please you sir, here's one has brought a Letter.

Agur.
From whom?

Snarle.
The Letter.

Noble sir, I am sorry to interest my vnstayd
honour in the patronage of offendors, orto
abuse the credit I haue with you, in stopping
the course of Iustice against them, whose youthfull
licenciousnesse, would pollute the pen of a Lady
to excuse it. On the other part, I hold it the betraying
of a virgins sweete disposition, to withdraw
her fauours, where she has once plac'd them,
although there be some want of desert. I must confesse
tis an Antipathy to my nature, to see any Gentleman
suffer, when I may preuent it. Howsoeuer
I haue found a disrespect from him, yet I forget
it, For anger abides in the bosomes of women, as
snow on the ground: where it is smooth and leuell,
it fals quickly off, but remaynes where it is rough
and vneuen. That this may appeare to bee true, I
would intreate you to dismisse those two Gentlemen
and their associates, Mr. Trimalchio, and Capritio,
whose ryotous loosenesse has made them obnoxious
to your censure, and my suspicion. Thus

not doubting the successe of my letter, I rest in your
fauour as you may presume on mine, and your true
friend,

Agur.
This Lady, that has writ in your behalfe,
Is one I honour.

Trim.
How should she heare of it?

Agur.
It seemes, your fault is quickly blowne abroad.

Trim.
I had rather seale a Nouerint vniuersi,
For a thousand pound stale commodities,
Then thee should know of it.

Agur.
As for you two,
You may pay your fees and depart, you haue
Your manumission, for this Ladies sake.
Master Constable, you are discharg'd, and you may
Goe along with them and receiue their fees.

Mis.
Though I say nothing, yet I smell something:
A Lady send a letter? Shee is in loue
With me, Ile pawne my life, and I nere knew it.
I'le get my backe well, and goe visit her.

Ard.
Now I haue got my teeth at liberty,
And they ere tye me to the racke againe,
Let me be choakt.

Exeunt Miscellanio, Snarle, Ardelio.
Agur.
Well, I perceiue you are
A fauourite to this Lady. Whats your name?

Trim.
Trimalchio.

Agur.
And yours?

Capr.
Capritio.

Agur.
Two ancient names in Camden, Of what country?

Capr.
Of Norfolke.

Agur.
The Capritious of Norfolke.
I thinke we shall bee kin anon. My mother
Was a Capritio, and of that house;
Are you alyed vnto this Lady?

Trim.
No sir.
But I haue formerly beene entertain'd
As a poore sutor to her graces fauour.

Agur.
I finde by that, you are a man of fashion:
And would you then?

Trim.
Nay good sir, doe not chide.

Agur.
Yes, I must tell you, that you were to blame,
Hauing so faire a fortune before you, to wrong
A Lady of her spirit; so rich, and faire,
Of vnreprooued chastity, and one
So high in birth, nay 'tis not possible
To speake her vertues, and present your selfe
So lumpishly, nay perhaps fill her bed
Full of diseases.

Trim.
Good sir, say no more.
I am a traytor, I haue kild a man,
Committed sacriledge. Let her seeke reuenge
For these, or if lesse punishment will serue:
To haue me beaten, Ile runne naked to her.

Agur.
Twill not presse good nature so farre:
You two shall slay and dine with me. Ile send
My coach for your Mistris, it shall goe hard:
But I will make you friends, before we part.