University of Virginia Library

ACT. IV.

SCEN. I.

Philostratus, Callimachus, Pyle.
Phi.
Though I am sorry for that great misfortune
Leucasia hath receiv'd, yet in respect
I come t' enjoy your Countenance by it,
I cannot wish't undone.

Pyl.
It was a Judgment
From Heav'n upon her, 'cause she profer'd to
Ascend that Bed was only due to me.

Cal.
I do confess your Vertues do deserve
Rule, and Dominion; but they'l shew as fair
And gracefull in Despising it, as e'r
They could in Managing.

[They whisper her by turns.
Phi.
Don't hear him, Lady.
He would inveagle you: take it from me,
He is the notedst Flatterer in the Kingdom.

Pyl.
Can I be flatter'd then? I'd thought I had
Made all Praise Modest.

Cal.
Whatsoe'r he saies,
Do not regard it Madam: I do know
He laies a wile to catch you, every word
Hath some device, some Engine in't.

Pyl.
Think you
My Wisdom can be caught?

Cal.
No; but hee'l try
To overreach you, though I'm sure he cannot.
He is the notedst Leacher in all Asia.

Phi.
I wonder you can speak with him: he hath
Something at this time very deep in's bones.

Cal.
You are in danger, Madam, from his Breath;
I look each word of his should be your Ruine,
He hath no part about him that is sound;
A very walking Hospitall.

Pyl.
I thank you.

Phi.
What e'r he saies beleeve him not; he cannot
Settle his heart on any single Face.
He is the Common Stallion of the Country,
Is sent for far and neer to cure Green-sicknesses;
H' hath times appointed for't in Market Towns,
And such a day 'tis said, The Captain heals.

Cal.
I know he Complements as soothingly
As if he spoke Perfumes; ne'r credit him.
I've heard him swear he only loves your Wealth.

Pyl.
Good!

Phi.
He hath told me he could ne'r affect you;
Y'are of too deep a Wrinkle, as he saies,
To be call'd old; y'are broken, and not Aged.

Pyl.
Your Servant Sir.

Cal.
I've heard him Vow he would
Ne'r Marry you, but that there's certain hope
You will be Carkas ere the Morning.

Pyl.
Well!

Phi.
He is in doubt whether you are not old
Deucalion's Widdow, and is sure you have
Only two Rags of Flesh instead of Breasts.

Cal.
He vows you had
No Parents, as he thinks, but are the first
Of all your Genealogy; one that
Knows not what that word Ancestor doth mean.

Phi.
He saies y' were moulded out of the first Earth
For an Essay, not meant for good and all;
But slipt out unawares from your Contriver;
And that e'r since you wear that durty Face,
As a true Badge of your early Creation.

Pyl.
I'm bound t' y'truly.

Cal.
Then he saies you are
So noisome, and so nasty, that he dares not
Come neer you in a Morning, till the Sun
Hath been upon you for a while.

Phi.
He means,
If that he hath the luck to marry you,
To shew you up and down for some strange Monster.

Cal.
He is resolv'd t' allow you for his ease
Something i'th'shape of a great lusty Groom
To save himself a Labour.

Phi.
He gives out
Hee'l take a Bedstaff, or an holy Wand
And baste you lustily two or three hours
Before you go to Bed, to make you limber.
You are too stark (he saies) to make a Spouse.

Cal.
'Twould be a Curse, he saies, unto our Kingdom
Worse than the Tyrant is, if that he took
You to his Bed—

Phi.
Then when you dye he swears
Hee'l take your skin and make a Coat of Armour.

Cal.
—There were not other hope, but that we should
Have a most Rampant Petticoat born up
In Wars for th'Colours, and the low'st Tongu'd Woman
Whisper before the Army for a Trumpet.

Pyl.
I thank you heartily for your discovery.—
To Cal.
I'm bound to you for you Relation.—
To Phi.
I'l think upon your Sute assure your self.—
To Cal.
I will consider your request hereafter—
To Phil.
Pray let me see you oftner.
To them both
(Here's a brace
Of most notorious Villains; let me dye
A private Woman, if I fit you not.)

Ex. Pyle.
Cal.
I know you've got the Widdows promise Captain.

Phi.
No doubt she gave it you, you did so whisper.

Cal.
Good faith I spoke for thee most heartily.
I told her all thy Parts.

Phi.
Troth now and then
I intermingled thy good Qualities too.
All that I did was honest; as I live
I ask'd her not the Question all the while.

Cal.
I'l lay thee a brace of hundreds then shee's mine.

Phi.
Win her and wear her then, catch he that can.

Exeunt.

Scen. II.

Pyle, and Prusias.
Pyl.
You have no hopes then to be King?

Pru.
My Title
Is but infirm to th' Crown, All the bloud Royall
That I have in me came by sucking of
His Majesties finger when he cut it once.
But for Nobility I've all the Signs of 't.

Pyl.
You rate your looks, perhaps, have faces of
All prizes, pay your debts with Countenance:
Put off your Mercer with your Fee-buck for
That season, and so forth; and then you write
Your Name in Characters that must be sent
About to the Professors, to discover
What Language they belong to: All, I take it,
Most certain Symptoms that y'are sick of Greatness.

Pru.
I count your Judgment, Lady, most Authentick.

Pyl.
Next, you are poor and needy, having been
So long a Courtier; you do spend your Pension
In oyntment for your Beard; by which cost when
You are arriv'd at th' easie Chambermaid,
You task your sharp Invention, to find out
A passage to her Lady, with as much
Care and Anxiety, as another would
To find a way beyond th' Herculean Pillars.

Prus.
Your Ladiship, though young, speaks like a Sibyll.

Pyl.
That you may see I cannot Prophesie,
I must demand a subtle question of you.
What was the time that you began to love in?

Prus.
My Love's Eternall; it did ne'r begin:
Tis not a thing subject to Generation.

Pyl.
I do not like it then.

Prus.
I know, and't please you,
The very instant; June the thirty one,
The Sun in's Apogæum, Moon in Libra,
First Quartile, Minutes twenty three, two Seconds,
Late in the Afternoon.

Pyl.
What? you'r a Scholar.

Prus.
My Scholarship is at your service, Lady.
I'l make fine Anagrams upon your Name,
Or on your Dogg's; I'l give you a True-Love's Knot
In endlesse Verse; ask Questions of my Lute
In a most melting Tone, and make that ask
Questions of me again, and all in Honour
To your fair Self.

Pyl.
I've vow'd against all Scholars,
They ne'r come near to Kings, but when they have
A sullen fit o' Philosophy come upon 'em.

Prus.
I hate a Scholar, I protest, as I
Do the sharp Visage of my craving Taylor
At Quarter-day: that which I spoke ev'n now,
I conn'd out of an Almanack; I'm only
A Philomath, sweet Lady.

Pyl.
I am all
For deeds of Prowesse.

Prus.
Now you come to me.

Pyl.
What Squadrons do you lead besides your Creditors?
What Troups, but eager and despairing Tradesmen?
How many Towns, pray y', are you wont to take
'Twixt first and second Course? What Castles do y'
Demolish, besides Pye-crusts? What great Breaches
Do y' make, and sally in, whiles that you pick
Your Ebony Teeth? then when you have bely'd
Old Captive Matrons suing t' y', how many
Young tender Virgins do you there deflowre
In eating of the other slice of Marmalad?

Prus.
Your Ladiship hath a good grace in Mirth;
Your Jests do wear as new a dresse, as any.
I had a Feather quite struck off my Helmet
I'th' Tilt yard once. Sweetest of Ladyes, speak,
Hath any one abus'd you?

Pyl.
Yes, the King:
Dare you assault him?

Prus.
For a world I would not
Offer to violate his Sacred Body,
Who is intended for your Loyall Husband.

Pyl.
There are a brace of Captains here i'th' City,
Your Fellow-Hostages; I've suffer'd wrong
From them too, they'r below the Throne I'm sure.

Prus.
In Words, or Deeds?

Pyl.
Only in Words, that's all?

Prus.
Fare-you-well Lady, they shall hear of it.
I'l go and rayl at 'em most heartily.

[Exit Prusias.
Pyl.
I do beleeve your heart is in your Mouth,
Both wayes. If that I misse not of mine Aym,
You, and the Bumbast Captains shall be try'd.

[Ex. Pyle

Scen. III.

Timophilus, Patacion, Cleodemus, Scedasus; They are met by Eudemus.
Tim.
Most opportunely met, Eudemus; you
I know desire the common good, and never
Had a particular Interest that did
Run cross to that.

Eud.
What is your Lordships meaning?

Cleo.
If you'l preserve the Liberty of your City,
There is a way now profer'd you: Misander
Desires your Daughter.

Eud.
Very likely Sir,
He hath a mind to wound her once again.
'Tis as the Sea looks smooth upon the Shipwrack'd,
He doth entice but for a second Booty.

Tim.
'Tis in the way of Marriage, honestly:
That he may make amends for this his wrong.

Eud.
Joyn her to him? I'l joyn her first unto
A lustfull Satyr; I am sure the knot
Will be more innocent.

Cleo.
You do mistake:
His Flames are now as chaste, as erewhile foul.
Hee's carefull of Succession.

Eud.
Heav'n avert
The Prodigy! A Tyrant, and love honesty?
Doth the great Rank and Line of Nephews now
Present it self to his Ambition?
I'l give her to my Slave first.

Sced.
Do not thwart
The publike good with a particular spleen.

Pat.
Hear Reason, good Eudemus.

Eud.
Will you speak it?

Pat.
It is not his Sute only, 'tis ours too;
Your City asks it; there's a greater good
Preparing for us than your Anger sees.
Do not provoke those Evils, that are now
About to settle.

Eud.
If he hath a mind to't,
I'l condiscend on this Condition
Hee'l promise hee'l not kill her the next Morning.

Tim.
That should be buried now.

Eud.
Do what you will,
My Title's least unto her now shee's publike.

Cleo.
'Twill be the more by losing of her thus.

Tim.
Let's to Misander, hee'l receive this News
With as much joy, as if another Kingdom
Were added to his Scepter by a Conquest.

Exeunt.

Scen. IV.

Pyle, Elpidia.
Pyl.
Now see you carry this as I have taught you,
And when I come to th' Throne I wil procure you
An Husband to your Mind; some Elder Brother
That wants some six or seven Grains of Wit,
Besides his ord'nary Allowance.

Elp.
Truly
I never blab'd as yet you know; if they
Should offer but to question me, I would
Look sweetly on 'em, & forswear it strongly.
[One knocks
I think there's one of them, and't please your Grace.

Scen. V.

To them Eudemus.
[Elp. fals off.
Pyl.
Eudemus ! You are welcome; I forestall
Your business, you are come t'invite me to
Your Daughters Marriage.

Eud.
Call it not her Marriage,
It is her Death, her Execution.
You'd make a fitter Queen by far than she.

Pyl.
Nature, 'tis true, intended us for Queen;
And 'tis her wrong, not ours, that wee're neglected.

Eud.
I'd willingly promote your Cause, if that
I knew but how; he hath done you more wrong
By his Refusall, than he hath my Daughter
By's Cruelty. I wonder you'r so slack:
Do you not dream of your Revenge? doth not
Your sleep each Night prompt you to right your Self?
And ev'n that prove watchfull?

Pyl.
Alas! I
Have no Accesse; my Hate knows not to Reach him.
I might betray my Self by trying it,
Shewing an idle fruitlesse spight, and make
A Noise, not knowing where my sting might enter.

Eud.
Will you assist me with your Secresie
And help, fair Pyle?

Pyl.
Any thing, Eudemus,
Loving Eudemus, any thing.

Eud.
You shall
Procure a trifle only, I'l apply it;
Somthing to kill a Rat, or some such Vermin.

Pyl.
Now you do put m'in mind of such a thing,
I can most readily furnish you; you must
Be sure to give 't him e'r he go to th' Temple.
'Twill cast him in a sleep; as soon as ever
He doth begin to Nod (I'l be in readinesse.)
You shall conduct me to him, that I may
See how it works, and if it been't enough,
I'l second it. Let not your Daughter be
About him for a World: Walk in with me,
And I'l instruct you further. Wait you there
Till I return Elpidia.

[Ex. Eud. Pyl.
Elp.
Lord, to see
How many Husband's one may have that's rich!
They do swarm hither with their Veases, like
Town-Poets on some Lord's Son's Wedding-day.
Their Visits do save Oyl, and make the door
Turn easie. She (God bless her) 's cloy'd with 'em.
I've wash'd my face in Mercury water, for
A year and upwards; lain in Oyl'd Gloves still;
Worn my Pomatum'd Masks all night; each morning
Rang'd every Hair in its due rank and Posture;
Laid red amongst the white; writ o'r my face,
And set it forth in a most fair Edition;
Worn a thin Tiffeny only o'r my Breasts;
Kept Musk-plums in my Mouth continually;
Yet have not had one bite at all these baits,
But a poor single-sol'd thin meager Footman,
One that I could see through. I think I shall
Be sav'd by my Virginity, whether
I will or no, and lead an Ape in Heav'n.
Here she comes now with one of her Fopperies.

[Elpid. retires.

Scen. VI.

Pylo, Philostratus.
Pyl.
No, no, I sent your Plot; it is my Wealth
You aim at, not my Person. You've a mind
To join your self to twenty thousand Crowns.

Phi.
Would—

Pyl.
—Now you'l wish I know, you ne'r might wear
Foul Linnen more, never be lowzy agen,
Nor ly Perdue with the fat Sutlers Wife,
In the provoking Vertue of dead horse,
Your dear delights, and rare Camp Pleasures.

Phi.
Widdow,
Would I might ne'r shed drop of bloud more, if
My Love hath any of these Vulgar Aimes.

Pyl.
Next, you conceive I am so old and dry,
That Wenches troubled with Green Sicknesses
May long for Morsels of me, as they do
For bits of Mortar-wals and Cinders, whom
(To keep my body whole) in pity you
Will cure some other way: then passe from them
Into the Suburbs to seek out more Patients,
And by most provident Sin husband my Monyes,
Which now you gape for, in that way of Trade,
Which, when all fails, y' are sure will leave you that
That will intitle y' to th' King's Letters Patents,
As being maim'd in th' service of your Country.

Phil.
To swear I were a Maid at these years now,
Would make you think I meant to keep so still.
By those our two Virginities we have lost,
And these two more, which we are yet to lose,
I am so far enamour'd on you, that
I think your wrinckles Beauty, count your Cough
Good Musick, and if e'r you come unto
A Palsey, will maintain it is a Motion
More pleasing to me than a Dance. More yet,
Should you but spit a Tooth, I'd kisse you for't,
Untill you did spit more.

Pyl.
I understand you—
I am as God hath made me.

Phil.
Half the City
Cann't say so much fair Lady: Do you think
It is your Wealth I aime at? Pray y' when heard you
Of any Souldier that would come so nigh
To commit with Gold, or fornicate with Silver,
As to intrust all Night a piece of either
In his incontinent Pockets? Not love you?
Command me any danger, if it be
Within the reach of Man, I'l compasse it.

Pyl.
Were it not that I should be said to task
Impossibilities, I'd bid you love me.
But being you ask a tryall of your heart,
Do what's contain'd but in this Paper only,
He takes the Paper and reads.
And as I live next Morn I'l marry you.

Phi.
No more? I'd thought you would have bid me pull
The Parthian King by th' Beard, or draw an Eye-tooth
From the Jaw Royall of the Persian Monarch.
You've thrown away your self too cheaply: were't
The killing of my Father, 'twere a Toy,
A silly trifle—

Scen. VII.

To them Prusias.
[Phi.]
—Save you valiant Prusias.
God give you joy Sir of your handsome Widdow;
Poor Soldiers can get nothing; your three legs
And five Similitudes have done the Deed.
I'l leave you to your Beauty.
Exit Phil.

Pyl.
How now Servant,
I see y'are Constant.

Pru.
'Tis your Vertue makes me.

Pyl.
Do not you call my Gold my Vertue Sir?
Are not my Bags good Manners? and my Jewels
Cleanly Behaviour? You have laid your Trap,
Only to catch a Booty that may find you
Powders and Curling Irons

Pru.
I shall have
No need of those, for you shall be my Head—

Pyl.
—And your Brain too—

Pru.
And understand for me.

Pyl.
Whiles out of Ignorance perhaps you'l keep
Some needy Poet in a politike Pension
Not to write Satyrs on you, and so rent
His wit, and Liberty of him, that you may
Vent Verses, and sin safely.

Pru.
I will turn
Poet my self, it is in fashion, Lady:
Hee's scarce a Courtier now, that hath not writ
His brace of Plaies. It is a Quality
That works more now upon the City Dames.
Than throwing of the Sledg, or Jumping well.

Pyl.
But Poets never yet prov'd vertuous Husbands.

Pru.
To please you then, I will speak only grave
Sad Morall Sentences; cough sager Proverbs;
And live your Yoakfellow in City Prose.
You shall not shake me off, although you beat me;
Nay, that shall make me love you more. I am
Your Spaniel, Lady.

Pyl.
'Twere a good experiment
To try whe'r y' are true bred or no. Elpidia!
Bring me the holly Wand, with which I last
[Elpid. brings the Wand.
Did exercise. Come Sir, about: I'l try you.
What? shrink for this? you have no Mettle Man,
'T will be my dayly Practice, if you have me,
To keep my self in Breath: I'm us'd to do it,
I should grow Pursie else.

Pru.
No more o' your Wand!
You see my Patience Cudgell-proof: pray y'try
My sufferance, Lady, in another kind.
You shall find Prusias ha dy.

Pyl.
Think you so?
Say that I have some Project in my head,
Some grand exployt, durst you perform your Part?

Pru.
Pray y'try me Madam.

Pyl.
By my hopes o'th' Throne,
If you perform what's in this little Schedule,
Wee're Man and Wife to Morrow.

Pru.
Were it to
Encounter with a Fury, I would do it.
Exit Prus.

Scen. VIII.

Callimachus to her.
Pyl.
O! I may languish here for ought you know.
You are a proper Servant: I do fear
You but pretend Me onely, meane my Wealth.
I'm neer my Death, you think, something may fall.
And 'tis not good to be much out o'th' way.
You visit, and not wooe.

Call.
I know this is
That sneaking, fawning Prusias tells you so.
I'm truer than his haire, or teeth, or nose.
My meaning's honester than his, although
My words don't smell so well.

Pyl.
You true? to what?
To your variety? your shift of Mistresses,
When you have none of Shirts? I hope you will
Confesse y'have conquer'd Beauties, more than Towns.

Call.
Prusias o gain upon my life. I doe
Confesse, that like the wandring foot o'th' Compasse,
I have been somewhat Mortall in that sort,
But like the constant one hereafter will
Keep to the Center, onely move at home.
My Rings shall all b'engrav'd with holy Posies,
As, Constant untill Death—Endlesse as this—
So is my love—Not Hands but Hearts—all which
I'll practice in my life and conversation.
Nay this wild Centaure on my sword here, shall
Be turn'd into a Turtle, and th'Inscription
(Conquest and Maidenheads) shall be blotted out
To give way to that tame word, Chastity.

Pyl.
For all my jesting I not doubted you:
I know you are as ready to performe,
As I am to command.

Cal.
Would you could see
The Heart of your Callimachus: you'd wonder
To view your self full seated in the midst,
And domineering over all my Bowels.
Performe what you command? I'l fight against
Heaven it self, and yet no Gyant neither,
No live Collossus as I take it.

Pyl.
Here
Within this Scrowl's prescrib'd what I would have you
Do for my sake; a way will prove your faith.
And when 'tis prov'd call Pyle yours.

Cal.
—Remember—

Scen. IX.

To them Nicias.
[Cal.]
—Faith if thou hast a mind, good Painter, to
Our Chambermaid Elpidia, 'cause I see thee
Hanker so oft about our house here, tell me;
I'l do thee all the good I can.

Nic.
I thank you.

Cal.
Prethee sweet Wife, abuse this busie fellow,
Put some fine trick upon him, that we may
Laugh at our Wedding: 'tis a sneaking Cockscomb.

Pyl.
Nicias, because I cannot see these Nuptials;
Exit Cal.
Being so disdainfully refus'd, I prethee
Take all the shew this night in Juno's Temple,
That I may see it at the second hand.

Nic.
I'l do it with that life, that you shall swear
You see the thing it self, excepting this,
That you hear nothing spoken.

Pyl.
Thou'lt be secret:
I would not have it known.

Nic.
I'l stand behind
Some Pillar, or some Image, none shall see me.

Pyl.
This night's Misander's Hymen, the next—

Nic.
—Ours.

Exit Nicias.
Pyl.
So! I applaud my Wit for this my project:
Were not my Beauty such, that yet would be
Enough to recommend me to the Throne,
To be sure then I have two Stratagems,
If that Misander should not drink the Potion
I gave Eudemus, ere he go to th' Temple,
This yet may dash the Marriage; and Leucasia
That bold Usurpress of my Bed shall miss
Of being saluted Queen to night howe'r.
And it will be one comfort to my Fate,
If none b' advanc'd whom I may emulate.

Exit.

Scen. X.

Leucasia with the Potion in a Glass.
Leu.
I'm hurri'd still, and yet I know not whither,
But I am hurri'd—O distracted thoughts!
Eudemus urgeth Poyson, but I love.
Is this a Fathers gift? and to be drank,
Before we go t'our Nuptials, that those Souls
Which should be join'd, may be divorc'd for ever?
'Twas meant for good Misander, but I'l drink it.
I have a thirst that's Loyall. My death will
Make no more alteration, than the adding
Of one neglected Marble to the Number
Of unregarded Sepulchers. His Fate
May draw the Veines of all the Kingdom dry,
And I commit a slaughter in one Person.
Drink then Leucasia; let it not be said
In after Histories that any ruine
Of a Republick ow'd it self to thee.
She drinks.
So! now I am in health, and out of danger.
No Father now can urge. Ye Pow'rs who look
Upon th' Affections of those Hearts you wound,
How e're I fall, be you Misanders stay:
Wounded by him I cur'd his lawlesse Passions,
And by a better way did slay the Tyrant.
Some Virgin, who shall be so blest, as to
Enjoy his virtues, will perhaps for this
Sprinkle a flower or two upon my grave,
And wish me Rest. No tongue can blast my Name
With just Reproach, when after times shall know,
That I, who when his Love was drossie, wou'd
Have wrought his death, dy'd for him when twas' good.

Exit.