University of Virginia Library

ACT. II.

SCENE I.

Callimachus, Philostratus, Prusias after them.
Cal.
Pox o'these easie Coxcombs! If he had
Ask'd Wives and Children too he might have had 'em.
Could not their wise simplicities stand out,
And let us conquer 'em?

Phi.
I feel mine Arms
Grow stiff again: I shall employ my strength
Only in carrying up of Pasties now.

Pru.
(Is she not wondrous fair? not wondrous handsome?)

Cal.
We shall do nothing but drink Healths in Helmets
To him and his Leucasia, (as they call her)
Whiles he encircles her in amorous folds,
And practiseth sweet Battels in a Featherbed.

Pru.
(What Torrent is't hurries my Passions thus?)

Phi.
Frailty of Man! These Vices are as proper
To your great Ones, as Feavers are, or Surfets:
Most Birds of Prey, you know, are still so subject
To wicked Cramps, they dare not sleep without
A soft warm tender Lark all night i'their Talons.

Pru.
(And must a shadow thus my Thoughts confine?

Cal.
His tender Lark hath made us lose our hopes
Of that tough Kite you wot of, the old Widdow
We thought to cast Dice for. Pox upon Hymen;
I'd rather bear a Torch to fire the City
Than carry one in his Solemnities.

[Pru. steps in to them.
Pru.
Traytor, thou knowst not what thou wishest. There's
A Jewell in't, which if it should be lost
'Mong other spoils, I should account my self
Guilty of an Offence 'gainst Heav'n, and Her.

Cal.
Must you be imitating of your Prince
In every thing forsooth? And't please the gods,
Who is that worthy Jewell?

Prus.
'Tis a Name
Fit to be sung by Angels, not profan'd
By Mortall Tongues.

Phil.
Hast thou espous'd thy King's
Opinion too in Love? Thou that wert wont
To make a Dole of thine Affection
By scatter'd Lust, dost thou confine thy Dotage
Unto a single Face.

Prus.
She's too exact
He repeats what Misan. said of Leucasia's Pict.
To be brought forth by Woman; Nature sure
Descending to conceive travail'd with her.

Cal.
I will be hang'd if thou hast any brains;
Somthing there is perhaps that swims i'thy Noddle
Like to a little Curd in Posset-drink;
But for true Brain, 'tis gon.

Prus.
Low Prusias,
Sure thy deserts will never ballance hers.
Low Prusias, thou'rt unworthy.

Phil.
Pray y' who is't
That this low Prusias is unworthy of?

Prus.
O! do not vex me!

Cal.
This is like the reading
Of a great swelling bumbast Coppy o' Verses,
And hiding of the Theam.

Prus.
T'your Charges, Captains.
What do you here?

Cal.
Faith laugh at you. Where is
Your Willow, and your Halter?

Prus.
Do not put me
To th' second Warning—O! I am not well.
[Ex. Prusias.

Phil.
Good faith h' hath conn'd Misander, & we came
Just to the Repetition. Come, let's follow:
We will not lose this sport, although we have
Lost both our hopes, the Widdow, and the Spoyl.

Ex.

Scene II.

Pyle, Leucasia, Chryse, Euthalpe, Elpidia.
[Phil.]
Do we appear, and yet no Reverence seen?
Woman, you are unmanner'd.

Euth.
This directed
To me, or whom?

Pyl.
Is't not enough that you
Were thought so worthy by the City, as
To have your Face sent as a waiting Picture
'Mong ours, and so arrive to th' possibility
Of lying she-perdieu with some old souldier,
To save the use of Furrs and Bearskins, but
Forgetfull of your own condition
(If it be any to be a Waiting-maid)
You must contemn us to our Face, and dare
To stand upright, not bowing as we pass.

Euth.
But that I think this Humor (new put on
This Morning with that dresse) will set with th' Sun,
Being but a Pageant of one day, I would
Trouble my self to answer you good Widdow.

Pyl.
Good Widdow! Y' are a Creature, who at best
Are but a living Utensill, a kind
Of Sensitive Instrument, grac'd with the Title
Of overseeing your Lady's dear delights:
What doe you else but feel the Monky's pulse,
And cater Spiders for the queasie Creature
When it refuseth Comfits? VVhat doe y' else
But set perfidious wiles for simple Flyes
To keep game ready for the Parakeeto?
You'll tell me, that you place disorder'd hairs,
Rank some transgressing Curls, call in the Corner
Of some uncivill Ribband that starts out,
And will not keep the Discipline. You'l tell me,
Perhaps, that you manage the Pencill too,
Write white and red, and mend the faults of Nature;
Pray y' what of this? where you are best esteem'd
You only pass under the favourable Name
Of humble Cozens, that sit below the Salt.

Eut.
This Creature you call Waiting-woman, were
She yours, perhaps were all you've said: but there
Is difference in Relations, and Things
Alter their Nature with their Places. Black
I'th' Teeth is Darkness, but i'th' Eye becomes
A colour of Resplendency: what is
Elsewhere unseemly, beams, and sparkles there.
That I obey this Lady (whom I cannot
Name without honour) comes not from the Meanness
Of Birth, or want of Fortunes, but from that
Desire I have to store my mind with good.
Endowments are an inbred Soveraignty;
Shee that hath more than I, hath more Rule too;
Which yet by fit degrees I do partake,
As I partake her Vertues. To serve thus,
Is but to light my Taper at Anothers,
That I see burns more cleer.

Pyl.
This you have conn'd
Out of some wandring Story that you read
To make your Lady sleep.

Eut.
To wipe away
This, and what else remains; the Names, and Offices
We undergo, take not at all from worth.
The Sun doth dress your Gardens, will you stile
His Beams from thence Ignoble? Gentle winds
That wait upon your Flours, purge, and refine them,
And doing, what you please to misname Servile,
At once conveigh Perfumes to them, and borrow
A Tincture thence, which they had not before,
Which makes 'em flie more gratefull: Can you thence
Call those pure Blasts dishonourable? will you
Think 'em vile Instruments, and Utensils,
And rank them 'mongst the Pesantry of things?
Common Opinion blinds you. What is this,
But to unite good Qualities, and mix
Two better Natures to the making of
A third in each outshining both. To deal
Thus with the Vertuous then, cannot be Service,
But sweet Commerce: no Fate, or Force, but only
Our free Election. More I could repay
In a Comparison of this Condition,
And yours; were it not so Ingenuous,
As not to give Offence, though't be to those
Who do provoke it.

Leuc.
Pray you bear me too.
Those your dishonourable Offices, you please
To fasten on her, are a double wrong:
For you suppose that there is one so wanton
As to enjoyn 'em, when you say there is
One so ridiculously idle, as
To busie her self in the performance of 'em.

Pyl.
The first thing I'll do, when I'm chosen Queen
By that Judicious Tyrant, shall be to
Pronounce both of you Traitouresses.

Chry.
Pray y' let
The common thought of our ensuing Fate
Compose this strife. It was an hard Decree
Without our leaves to send our Pictures. I
Have pray'd unto Diana, that I may
Appear most ugly, and, me thoughts, the Image
Did seem to grant, and bow'd.

Leuc.
Some chaster God
Cast an unshapen Cloud before his Eyes,
And make him loath, as soon as he shall see.

Pyl.
Come, come, y' are raw: you little think what 'tis
To be a Tyrant's Consort. You may get
This, or that head you hate, for every kisse.
I would not clip him, unlesse 'twere to strangle
Some one I was offended with. Be not
So sad, I'l warrant you for being chosen.
Our Picture's sent; 'tis I must be your Queen.

Chry.
I hope 'twill be your fortune, being you wish it.

Pyl.
Do you but hope? It must be so; you wrong us
If that you are not sure on't. We will give you
All Places in our Court: We will create
New Offices; Elpidia, you shall be
Lady o'th' Fan; You, Chryse, of the Colours;
Leucasia, wiper of our Glasse; Euthalpe,
If she repent, may keep our Mercury water.
Some Grooms o'th' Teeth, and others of the hair;
Mistres o'th' Fricace, one, one of the Powders,
One of—I know not what. Then there shall be
A pair of Secretaries to the State
For Love-Letters to Forrain Princes, for
Whom we will found a Library, which shall
Be only stor'd with Play-books, and Romances.

Elp.
'Twould be a labour worthy of your Highnesse
To bind the liquorish Courtiers to the Peace,
As oft as we are drest for Masques and Playes.
We cannot keep a Pleat unrumpled, or
An Head-tire undisturb'd for them: what we
Have been two days in building, in a minute
Is ruin'd by their boisterous Foppery.

Pyl.
Wee'l call a Parliament of women, choose
Burgesses out o'th' Matrons of the City:
Then wee'l reform all that we think Abuses,
Both Male and Female. Not a Courtier shall
Dare to pretend to th' understanding of
Ought else besides a Play; nor learn a Language
Except it be in Fashion; write no Poetry,
Unlesse it be an Anagram upon
His Mistresses Name, or a thin Distich on
Her little Spaniell. Then it shall be treason
T'appear with a full Calf before the Ladies.
No Lord shall be permitted then to trespasse
A bed with 's Lady, but on Festivall Nights,
If that he be an Impotent convicted.
Women shall be allow'd to tempt and wooe:
Especially if that the Man or is,
Or else hath lately been a Student in
Our Famous University of Athens.
Lastly, no Lord shall Authorize a Fashion,
It being a Prerogative, that wee'l
Wholly reserve unto our self. I swell
With Axioms, Methods, Rules; I have as strong
A Modell in mine head of Reformation,
As they that are most factious—

Scen. III.

To them Epigenes, Scedasus, Terpander.
[Pyl.]
—How now Subjects.

Epig.
What? you expect to hear who 'tis that's chosen?

Pyl.
God bless you my good People; I perceive
You're come to do us Homage: We are Queen.
You hear the Tyrant's wonderfully taken
With us: It was none of our seeking; Fortune
Hath thrown the Dignity into our Lap.
Wee'l make your Yoak hereafter very easie.

Sced.
How came your Mistris mad, Elpidia, thus?

Elp.
I'm Lady of the Fan Sir; That's my Title.

Terp.
Truly, good Mrs Tyrant, I'm glad on't,
I hope you'l let's have Victuals cheap hereafter.
What price hath your Mistris put on Eggs yet, Lady?

Pyl.
I'm studying now what Government is best;
Which of the Species goes on surest Maxims:
Democracy that runs int' Anarchy,
And Aristocracy into Oligarchy;
The Transmigration's Pythagoricall;
I think the Common-wealth be best as 'tis.
Well, fare you well: they're come to fetch me here;
I must away with the Ambassadors—

Scen. IV.

To them Timophilus, Patacion, Nicias.
[Pyl.]
—How fares the Partner of Our Throne, Misander?

Tim.
Most Noble Citizens, his Majesty
Accepteth of your profer, and by me
Demandeth one be sent that's nam'd—

Leu.
O stay.

Chr.
O speak no further!

Pyl.
Speak it out aloud;
We love to hear the Accent of our Name.

Tim.
He doth demand one nam'd Leucasia.

Terp.
O! good wife Pyle you're not Mistris Tyrant.

Pyl.
Come, come, you forge.

Pat.
Truth is, Leucasia's chosen.

Nic.
Ne'r grieve for't, we shall live as merry as they.

Terp.
Troth, Gammer Pyle, I did even think so.
Now what you call'd your Throne 's a Wicker chair;
Your Court's a Cottage, your Jewels two penny Beads.
'Twas, as you say, none of your seeking; Fortune,
Fortune hath thrown the Dignity' int' your Lap.
Pray y' make our Yoke hereafter very easie.

Pyl.
Are we not chosen then? I'l go and beat
All my Maids o'r for this: he had as good—
I'l—come away, you baggage—what d'you gaze on
You filthy Slut?

Ex. Pyl. Elpi.
Terp.
B'w'y'Lady of the Fan.
Now will she go and say her Prayers backward
Thrice, and turn Witch to be reveng'd upon him.
God save your Grace, Leucasia.

Leu.
O that word,
That word Leucasia! I did ne'r mislike
My Name till now: I'm odious to my self,
'Cause I thus please another. Must it be
My punishment that some do call me fair?
Must I place Beauty 'mong the Injuries
Of spightfull Nature? did she only give it
That there might not be wanting to our City
One to enrage a Tyrant?

Terp.

Let me tell you: saving your Tyrantship, you are a
Fool. A Tyrant's Concubine's a pretty thing. You may live
well on't if you will your self. 'Tis well you have light upon
this Fortune, e'r you are able to judge of a good Leg &
Foot. Good Lord to see! she had as fair a promising Table
when she was in swadling-clouts as e'r I saw. As my Wife,
her Nurse, was dressing her, come next Quinquatria, 'twill
be just fifteen years, God bless the time! The Cat sate purring
on the little stool, just in the Chimney corner I remember.
Saies I unto my Wife Cyne! Ay saies she; This
child Cyne will be alive when we are dead & rotten! saies
she to me again; the Child's a good Child Husband. Now
see the luck on't; how things will come about! Don't
cry Leucasia.

Leu.
No other destiny, O heav'ns, but this?

Tim.
These froward Plaints do but prolong your Bondage:
You onely doe defer your Liberty,
Grieving away that time should gain your freedome.

Leuc.
Seeing that I must go, pray let me be
Conducted like a Sacrifice, for I
Am Offer'd, not Bestow'd. It is my Death,
(For so I think't) but given to my Countrey,
And to divert from her a punishment.
Though th' Means be ill, 'tis Vertue to consent.

Exeunt.

Scen. V.

Prusias with the Picture of the Widdow, Callimachus and Philostratus after him.
Prus.
Stay Villain, or thou dyest. Amongst the throng
Of more ignoble Creatures she might perish:
Yet there's no other way of winning her.

Call.
Hee's at it in the very same strain.

Prus.
Goe—
Doe not,—Why stir you not?—Come back—To suffer
Thus, Prusias, for that blest one, is the chief
Of all thy Glories.

Phil.
Look, the Widdows Picture!

Prus.
I wonder his affection would permit
His Art to shew it self in such a Peece.
Could he gaze so long on as to pourtray,
And have so little flame, as not to love?

Cal. and Phil. step in.
Cal.
Yes verily I think he could. Must you
Be doting on a Picture too?

Pru.
Take't hence.
I have her here.

Phil.
Then thou'st a Fury there.

Pru.
O! I do feel something that is not Lust.

Cal.
In good troth so do I; a perfect hate.
You are the Man for tender Maidenheads—

Ph.
—That would not venture on a season'd Widdow—

Cal.
—For a whole Kingdom Sir.

Prus.
Say what you will.

Phi.
She is the verier Picture of the two.

Cal.
She hath as many Colours in her face,
As that Board hath.

Phi.
Thou err'st to call 'em Colours.

Cal.
True! they turn Morter when th'are there.

Pru.
Say on,
I'l suffer any thing.

Phil.
Shee's—let me see—

Cal.
An Hag, a Witch, a Fury, ne'r stick at it.

Pru.
Here, hold my Sword—give't me again—she hath
A fair white skin—

Phi.
—A mangy gross thick hide.

Pru.
Most Amber Tresses—

Cal.
A most ugly Maine.

Pru.
Lips decent, and most fit—

Phil.
To sweep a Manger—

Cal.
—Which she doth open like a pair of Gates—

Phi.
—And then claps down her teeth like a Percullis.

Pru.
Neat Leg and Foot—

Cal.
Most durty Hocks, and Hoofs.

Pru.
Descended from some King—

Phi.
Some antient Cart-horse.

Pru.
A sprightly Goddess—

Cal.
A foule durty Beast.

Pru.
Her Eyes like Suns—

Phi.
—Draw vapours from her Breath—

Cal.
—Which in her Nose, as in the middle Region—

Phi.
—Are turn'd to ominous Comets.

Pru.
Pray leave me—
Yet now I think on't don't—How every smile
Shews us—

Cal.
—The sign o'th' Mouth!

Pru.
Let m'have some Musick
Gentle Callimachus—

Phi.
How every gaping—

Pru.
Prethee Philostratus let me have none.

Cal.
—Betraies her Teeth, which stand one by another.

Ph.
—As if that they were Cloves stuck in an Orenge.

Cal.
Joy, Prusias, Joy: though thou be strucken blind—

Phi.
—Thou yet canst see her Picture in thy Mind.

Ex. severally.

Scen. VI.

Eudemus, Leucasia, Euthalpe.
Eud.
Ne'r murmur Girl, 't 's a Service to thy Country.

Leu.
There was this only wanting to my evils,
That you too should approve; that, that good name
(Father) should yet inserted be in this
My vile disgrace. Call 't you a service to
My Country, to turn Whore? What Brand will't be
Unto your Liberty, when't shall be said
'Twas purchas'd by a Strumpet?

Eud.
'Tis not thou
Offend'st, but thine ill fortune, and the City:
Rejoice that thou canst make the heavens guilty.
Come, thou must love him Girl.

Leu.
Can I love him
That thus will rob me of mine Honour?

Eud.
'Tis
His tenderness unto thee.

Leu.
If he be
Thus tender, how's he cruell? sure his Hate
Is something beyond Death, if he Love thus.

Eud.
Alas! thou know'st not how to value Fortune;
What ever Nature of her own Accord,
Or Art by force can yeeld, will all be thine.

Leuc.
But I shall lose mine Honour.

Eud.
Thou shalt have
Th' Inventions of his Kingdome toyl to please thee;
A strife of Wits and Fancies to content thee;
And thou reward them amply by one smile:
The Silkworm shall spin only to thy Wardrobe;
The Sea yield Pearls unto thy Caskinet;
Thou shalt come forth loaded with Jewels, like
That Body with an hundred Eyes. Thou shalt
Take Coach to the next door, and as it were
An Expedition, not a Visit, be
Bound for an house but ten strides off, still carry'd
Aloof in indignation of the Earth.
Five hundred Asses shall be daily milk'd
To make a Bath for thee, which shall maintain
Thy skin in an unblemish'd tendernesse,
And make thine Age, in spight of Time, run back.
Nature her self shall joy to be thy Slave.

Leuc.
But I shall lose mine Honour.

Eud.
Hast a mind
To redeem that thou seem'st so tender of?

Leuc.
I am so far engag'd to my disgrace,
That there's no means left for me to escape it;
Shew me but any except Death, and I
Will hearken to you with as much Religion,
As to some Reverend Auncestor, when he
In a shape more than Humane doth appear,
And dictate holy Oracles in Dreams.

Eud.
The way, I'l shew thee, will preserve thy Life,
And that Life of thy Country, Liberty.
But thou'lt not do't I know.

Leuc.
Think not so ill
Of your good Daughter.

Eud.
Thou shalt kill this Tyrant.

Leuc.
Heavens forbid!

Eud.
I did suppose as much.
Goe, flye to his Embraces, there produce
Monsters, and Plagues: from him and thee there cannot
Spring any thing that's ord'nary in Nature.

Leuc.
Indeed I cannot kill him.

Eud.
When that he
Shall loath thy foul embraces, and avoid
Thy sight, as somthing that doth exprobrate
His sins unto him: When thou shalt be so
Unhappy, as to become fruitfull, and
Discarded from his Bed, walk despicable,
Loaded with spurious Brats, one in thy Bosome,
Another on thy Back, the third i' thine Hand,
Just like the Picture of Charity, thou'lt wish
Too late, thou'dst took the Counsell of thy Father.

Leuc.
Indeed I'l kill my self, if that you will.

Eud.
O! nourish no such thought my good Leucasia.
Take not to heart what I have said; my Passion
Carry'd my Tongue beyond my thoughts—But—Girle—
Come, thou shalt kill him, and be famous for't.

Leuc.
But will you help me then?

Eud.
Why I'm thy Father.
Intreat that thou mayst come alone 'bout Midnight;
Pretend thy Modesty wo'nt suffer thee
To goe with solemn Pomp to thy disgrace:
And when thou'st opportunity strike home.
I will be ready when thou'st struck the blow
To rescue thee from danger. Fear no stain:
A Tyrant's Bloud doth wash the hand that spils it.

Leuc.
Alas, Euthalpe, how am I distracted!
Ex. Eudem.
Either I must turn Homicide, or Whore;
And if I kill him, twill be said I did
Kindle the Flame, and then put out the Man;
If not, I kill my self; Shame waits on both;
And I (O cruell!) have this only Freedome
To choose the lesse offence.

Euth.
The straight is this,
Either you must ruine th' Effect, or else
Destroy the Cause; punish his Love, or lose
Your Beauty by consenting. But Love is
A strong desire of being united to
That which is fair, by the most perfect means
That Nature yeelds, or Reason teacheth. Hee's
Deficient in the way then: Love is good
Still in the Fountain, but offends i'th' stream.
But this will not be weigh'd by Common thoughts;
So that you will be said to punish him,
Because your self were fair, and he had Eyes.

Leuc.
True, good Euthalpe; but yet put mine Honour
Into the other Scale, which o'rweighs then?

Euth.
Love's common unto all the masse of Creatures,
As Life and Breath; Honour to Man alone:
And amongst Men ('yet narrower) to the Prudent.
Honor being then 'bove Life, Dishonor must
Be worse than Death: For Fate can strike but one,
Reproach doth reach whole Families; and in
Our Sex especiall, the chast Sphere of Vertue
Being to us as proper as the Aire
To winged Creatures Yet I cannot bid you
Strike to avoid a blow. Some Virgins Daggers
Have been deliver'd up to Fame by Penns;
But yet there goes a stain along, in that
Beauty could be so cruell.

Leuc.
Some good God
[Soft Mus. awhile.
Direct me in my Dreams! But heark! I hear
The Musick sounds sad Accents, and the Virgins
Are ready to conduct me; and I must
Depart without thy wonted Resolution.
Let me embrace thee yet; thou art no Tyrant.
Farwell, Euthalpe, and when e'r thou shalt
Hear mention of me, pay a sigh, and say,
The Fate, if Bad, was not deserv'd.

Euth.
The Gods
Leave me when e'r I dare be so ungratefull
As to leave you. Some Pow'r may look down yet
And help in pitty; we will tread one Path,
Obey one Counsell, undergoe one Fate;
And resolutely in this mutuall Tye,
Either preserve our Honor, or else dye.

Exeunt.
[Soft Musick.]

Scene VII.

Leucasia with Euthalpe, and a Company of Virgins, and others of Byzantium, solemnly conducting her with this Song.
1 Virg.
Strow we these Flowers as we goe,
Which trod by thee will sweeter grow.

2 Virg.
Guard her, ye Pow'rs, if any be,
That love afflicted Chastity.

1 Virg.
Her Mind deserves a Princely sway,
But yet obtain'd another way.

2 Virg.
Her Vertues fit her for a Throne,
But of no Choice, except her own.

1 Virg.
O then look down on his Desires,
And either quench, or clense his Fires.

Chor.
O then look down, &c.

Exeunt.