 | Ram-Alley : or Merrie-Trickes |  |
Actus 1.
Scæna 1,
Enter Constantia sola, with a letter in her hand.Const.
In this disguise, (ere scarce my mourning robes)
Could haue a generall note, I haue forsooke,
My shape, my mother, and those ritch demeanes,
Of which I am sole heyre, and now resolue,
In this disguise of Page to follow him,
Whose loue first caused me to assume this shape.
Lord how my feminine bloud stirs at the sight
Of these same breeches, me thinkes this cod-peece
Should betray mee: well, I will trye the worst,
Hether they say hee vsually doth come,
Whom I so much affect, what makes he heere
In the skirts of Holborne, so neere the field,
And at a garden house, a has some punke
Vpon my life: no more heere hee comes.
Enter Boutcher.
God saue you sir: your name vnlesse I erre,
Is maister Thomas Boutcher.
Bou.
'Tis sweet boy.
Con.
I haue a letter for you.
Con. deliuers the lett.
Bou.
From whom ist,
he reads it.
Con.
The inside sir will tell you: I shall see
What loue he beares me now.
Bou.
Th'art welcome boy.
How does the faire Constantia Somerfield,
My noble mistresse.
Con.
I left her in health.
Bou.
Shee giues thee heere good words, and for her sake,
Thou shalt not want a maister, be mine for euer.
Con.
I thanke you sir: now shall I see the Punke.
he knocks
Enter William Small-shanke.
W. Sm.
Who knocks so fast? I thought 'twas you, what news.
Bout.
You know my businesse well, I sing one song.
W. Sm.
Foot, what would you haue me do, my land is gon,
My credit of lesse trust then Courtiers words
To men of iudgment, and for my debts
I might deserue a Knight-hood; what's to be done?
The Knight my father will not once vouchsafe
Throte the Lawyer swallowed at one gob,
For lesse then halfe the worth, and for the Citty
There be so many rascals, and tall yeomen
Would hang vpon me for their maintenance,
Should I but peepe or step within the gates,
That I am forst onely to ease my charge,
To liue here in the suburbes: or in the towne
To walke in Tenebris, I tell you sir,
Your best retierd life is an honest Punke
In a thatcht house with Garlike: tell not mee,
My Punk's my Punke, and noble Letchery
Sticks by a man, when all his friends forsake him.
Bou.
The Poxe it will, art thou so sencelesse growne,
So much indeared to thy bestiall lust,
That thy originall worth should lye extinct
And buried in thy shame? farre be such thoughts
From spirits free and noble: begin to liue,
Know thy selfe, and whence thou art deriu'd,
I know that competent state thy father gaue,
Cannot be yet consum'd.
W. S.
'Tis gon by Heauen,
Not a denier is left.
Bou.
'Tis impossible.
W. S.
Impossible zart I haue had two suckers,
Able to spend the wealthy Cræsus store.
Enter Francis.
Bou.
What are they?
W. S.
Why a Lawyer and a Whore,
See heere comes one, doost thinke this petti-coate,
A perfum'd smock, and twice a weeke a bathe,
Can be maintain'd with halfe a yeares reuenews,
No by Heauen, wee Annuall yonger brothers,
Must go to't by hole-sale, by hole-sale man
These creatures are maintaind: her very face
Has cost a hundred pound.
Fra.
Sir, thanke your selfe.
Con.
They keepe this whore betwixt them.
Fra.
You know sir,
I did inioy a quiet country life,
Spotlesse and free, till you corrupted mee,
And brought me to the Court, I neuer knew,
What sleeking, glazing, or what pressing meant,
I knew no Iuorie teeth, no caps of heire,
No Mercury water, fucas, or perfumes,
To helpe a Ladies breath, vntill your Aunt,
Learnt me the common trick.
W. S.
The common trick,
Say you, a poxe vpon such common tricks,
They will vndoe vs all.
Bou.
And knowing this
Art thou so wilfull blind, still to persist
In ruine and defame.
W. S.
What should I doe?
I'aue past my word to keepe this Gentlewoman,
Till I can place her to her owne content,
And what is a Gentleman but his word.
Bou.
Why let her goe to seruice.
W. S.
To seruice,
Why so shee does, she is my Landeresse,
And by this light, no punie Inne a Court
But keepes a Landresse at his command
To doe him seruice, and shall not I, ha!
Fra.
Sir, you are his friend (I loue him to)
Propound a course which may aduantage him,
And you shall finde such reall worth in me,
That rather then Ile liue his hindrance,
I will assume the most penurious state
The Citty yeelds, to giue me meanes of life.
W. S.
Why ther's it, you heare her what she sayes,
Would not he be damn'd that should forsake her,
Sayes she not well, can you propound a course,
To get my forfit land, from yonder roague,
Parcell Lawyer, parcell Deuill, all Knaue,
Thrate, throate.
Bou.
Not I.
W. S.
Why so, I thought as much,
You are like our Cittizens to men in need,
Which cry 'tis pitty, a propper Gentleman,
Should want mony, yet not an vsuring slaue,
VVill lend him a denier, to helpe his wants,
Will you lend mee forty shillings.
Bou.
I will.
W. S.
VVhy God-amercy, there's some goodnesse in thee,
Youle not repent.
Bou.
I will not.
VV. S.
VVith that money
I will redeeme my forfit land, and wed
My Coccatrice to a man of worship,
Bou.
But how?
W. S.
Thus in Ramme-alley lies a fellow, by name
Throte: one that professeth law, but indeed
Has neither law nor conseience, a fellow
That neuer saw the barre, but when his life
Was cald in question for a coosenage,
The Rogue is riche, to him go you, tell him
That rich Sir Iohn Somerfield.
Con.
How's that?
W.
Is lately dead, and that my hopes stand faire
To get his onely daughter. If I speed,
And haue but meanes to steale away the wench,
Tell him I reckon him my chiefest friend,
To entertaine vs till our nuptiall rites
May be accomplisht, and could you but procure
My elder brother meete me on the way,
And but associate me vnto his house,
'Tweare hit ifaith, I'de giue my cunning Throte
An honest slit for all his tricks in lawe.
Bou.
Why this shall be perform'd, take ther's my store,
To friends all things are common.
W. S.
Then at the court
There are none foes, for all things there are common.
Bou.
I will as carefully performe thy wish,
As if my fortunes lay vpon th'attempt.
W. S.
When shall I heere from you.
Bou.
Within this houre
W. S.
Let me alone for the rest, if I gull not
And go beyond my open throted lawyer,
For all his booke cases of Tricesimo nono
And Quadragessimo octauo: let mee
Like waiting Gentlewomen be euer bound,
To sit vpon my heeles, and pick rushes,
Will you about this geere.
Bou.
With my best speed.
W. S.
Then fare you well, yole meete me.
Bou.
Without faile.
Exit Bouch: and Page.
W. S.
Adue: now you pernicious Coccatrice,
You see how I must skelder for your good,
Ile bring you where you shall haue meanes to cheate,
If you haue grace enough to apprehend it.
Fra.
Beleeue me loue, how ere some stricter wits,
And thinke that if their fauour fall on any,
By consequence they must be naught with many,
And hold a false position, that a woman
False to her selfe, can trusty be to no man,
Yet know I say, how ere my life hath lost
The fame which my Virginity aspyr'd,
I will be true to thee, my deed shall mooue,
To win from all men pitty, if not loue.
W. S.
Tut, I know thee a good rascall, lets in,
And on with all your neate and finest ragges.
On with your cloake and saue-gard, you arrant drab,
You must cheate without all conscience, filtch for thee & me.
Do but thou act what I shall well contriue,
Weele teach my Lawyer a new way to thriue.
Exeunt.
Enter Mistresse Tafata, and Adriana her maid aboue.
Taf.
Come lou'd Adriana heere let vs sit,
And marke who passes; now for a wager,
What colourd bear'd comes next by the window?
Adr.
A black mans I thinke.
Taf.
I thinke not so,
I thinke a redde, for that is most in fashion,
Lord how scarce is the world of propper men
And gallants; sure wee neuer more shall see
A good legge worne in a long silke stocking,
With a long cod-peece, of all fashions
That carried it ifaith, what's he goes by?
Enter a Cittizen.
Adr.
A sniueling Cittizen, he is carrying ware,
Exit.
Vnto some Ladies chamber: but whoe's this?
Enter T. Smal-shanke reading a letter.
Taf.
I know him not, a lookes iust like a foole.
Adr.
He's very braue a may be a Courtier,
Whats that a reads.
Taf.
Ah how light a treads
For durting his silke stockings, Ile tell thee what,
A witty woman may with ease distinguish,
All men by their noses, as thus: your nose
Tuscan is louely, large and brawde,
Much like a Goose, your valiant generous nose.
Your schollers nose is very fresh and raw
For want of fire in winter, and quickly smells,
His choppes of mutton, in his dish of porrage.
Your Puritan nose is very sharpe and long,
And much like your widdows, and with ease can smell,
An edefying capon some fiue streets off,
Enter Boutcher and Constantia.
Adr.
O mistris a very proper gentleman,
Tafa.
And trust me so it is, I neuer saw
A man that sooner could captiue my thoughts
(Since I writ widdow) then this gentleman,
I would a would looke vp.
Adr.
Ile laugh so loud
That he may here me.
Tafa.
Thats not so good
Bou.
And spake you with Maister Smalshanke.
Con.
I did.
Bou.
Will a meete his brother.
Con.
A said a woud,
And I beleeued him, I tell you maister
I haue done that for many of these gallants
That no man in this towne would do but I.
Bo.
Whats is that boy.
Con.
Why trust them on their words
But will you heare the newes which now supplies,
The citty with discourse.
Bou.
What is it wag
Con.
This sir, they say some of our citty dames
Were much desirous to see the Baboones
Doe their newest trickes, went, saw them, came home,
Went to bed, slept, next morning one of them,
Being to shift a smocke, sends downe her maide,
To warme her one, meane while she gins to thinke
On the Babones tricks, and naked in her bed
Begins to practise some, at last she stroue,
To gett her right leg ouer her head; thus:
And by her actiuity she got it
Crosse he shoulder: but not withall her power,
Could she reduce it, at last much strugling
Tumbles quite from the bed vpon the flower,
The maide by this return'd with the warme smocke,
And seeing her mistris throwne on the ground
Trust vp like a foote-ball, exclaimes, calles helpe,
Is broke vp comes her husband and neighbours,
And finding her thus trus'd, some flatly said
She was bewitch, others she was possest,
A third said for her pride, the Diuell had set
Her face where her rumpe should stand, but at last
Her valiant husband steppes me boldly to her,
Helpes her; she a shamed; her husband amazed,
The neighbours laughing as none forbeare,
She tells them of the fatall accident.
To which one answers, that if her husband
Would leaue his trade, and carry his wife about
To doe this tricke in publike, she'd get more gold
Then all the Babones, Calues with two tayles,
Or motions whatsoeuer.
Bou.
You are a wag,
Taf.
He wilbe gone if we neglect to stay him.
Adr.
Shall I cough or sneeze.
Taf.
Noe I ha't stand a side,
Aye me my handkertcher Adriand, Fabia.
Adr.
Mistris,
Taf.
Runne, runne I haue let my handkertcher fall,
Gentleman shall I intreate a curtesie,
Bur.
Within my power your beauty shall command.
What curtesie ist.
Tas.
To stoope and take vp,
My handkertcher.
Bou.
Your desire is performd.
Taf.
Sir most hearty thankes: please you come in
Your welcome shall transcend your expectation.
Bou.
I accept your curtesie, ha! whats this?
Assayld by feare and hope in a moment.
Boucher this womanish passion fits not men,
Who know the worth of freedome: shall smyles and eyes
With their lasciuious glances conquer him
Hath still beene Lord of his affections?
Shall simpring nisenesse load-stones but to fooles,
Attract a knowing spirrit: it shall, it dooes,
Not Phæbus rising from Auroras lap,
Spreds his bright raies with more maiestique grace
Then came the glances from her quickning eye
And what of this.
Con.
By my troth I know not
Bou.
I will not enter: continued flames burne strong,
Aboue all fond affections yet is she fayre.
Enter Adriana.
Adr.
Sir I bring you thankes for this great curtesie,
And if you please to enter I dare presume,
My mistris will afford you gratious welcome,
Bou.
How doe men call your mistris.
Con.
The mans in loue.
Adr.
Her name sir is Mistris Changeable, late wife
To maister Tafata Mercer deceast.
Bour.
I haue heard she is both rich and beautifull,
Adr.
In th'eyes of such as loue her, iudge your selfe.
Please you but pricke forward and enter,
Con.
Now will I fall a boord the wating maide,
Adr.
Fall a boord of me, dost take me for a ship,
Con.
I And will shoote you betwixt wind and water.
Adr.
Blurt maister gunner your linstocks to short.
Con.
Foote how did she know that, dost here sweet hart
Should not the page be doing with the maid,
Whilst the maister is busie with the mistris,
Please you pricke forwards, thou art a wench
Likely to goe the way of all flesh shortly
Adr.
Whose witty knaue art thou.
Con.
At your seruice.
Ad.
At mine faith, I should breetch thee.
Con.
How breetch me.
Adr.
I breetch thee, I haue breetch a taler man,
Then you in my time, come in and welcome.
Con.
Well I see now a ritch well-practis'd baud,
May pursse more fees in a summers progresse,
Then a well traded lawier in a whole terme,
Pandarisme! why't is growne a liberall science
Or a new sect, and the good professors
Will like the Brownist frequent grauell pits shortly,
For they vse woods and obscure holes already.
Enter Tafata and Boucher.
Not marry a widdow.
Bou.
No.
Taf.
And why?
Belike you thinke it base and seruant-like,
To feed vpon reuersion, you hold vs widdowes,
But as a pie thrust to the lower end
That hath had many fingers int before,
Bou.
You much mistake me.
Taff.
Come in faith you do:
And let me tell you thats but ceremony,
For though the Pye bee broken vp before,
Yet sayes the prouerbe, the deeper is the sweeter.
And though a capons wings and legges be caru'd,
The flesh left with the rumpe I hope is sweet.
I tell you sir, I haue beene woed, and sued to,
By worthy Knights of faire demeanes: nay more,
They haue bin out of debt, yet till this houre,
I neither could indure, to be in loue.
Or be beloued, bur proferd ware is cheape.
whats lawfull thats loathd, and things denied,
Are with more stronger appetite persude.
I am to yeelding.
Bou.
You mistake my thoughts.
But know thou wonder of this continent,
By one more skyld in vnknowne fate, then was,
The blind Achaian Prophet, It was foretold,
A widdow should indanger both my life,
My soule, my lands, and reputation,
This cheks my thoughs, and cooles th'ssentiall fire,
Of sacred loue; more ardent in my brest
Then speech can vtter.
Taf.
A triuiall Idle ieast,
Tis for a man, of your repute, and note,
To credit fortunetellers, a petty rogue,
That neuer saw fiue shillings, in a heape
Will take vpon him to diuine mens fate,
Yet neuer knowes himselfe, shall die a begger,
Or be hanged vp for pilfering table cloaths,
Shirts and smocks, hanged out to dry on hedges,
Tis meerely base, to trust them, or if there be,
A man in whome the Delphicke, God hath breathed,
His true diuining fire, that can foretell,
The fixt decree of fate, he likewise knowes,
What is within the euerlasting booke,
Of Desteny decreed cannot by wit,
Or mans Inuention be disolued, or shund,
Then giue thy loue free scope imbrace and kisse,
And to the distafe sisters leaue th'euent,
Bou.
How powerfull are their words whome we affect,
If to his state the Captaine be perfidious,
I must intreate you licence my depart
For some few houres.
Taf.
Choose what you will of time,
There lyes your way.
Bou.
I will intreate her, stay.
Taf.
Did you call sir.
Bou.
No.
Taf.
Then fare you well.
Bou.
Who gins to loue, needs not a second Hell.
Ent. Adr.
Taf.
Adriana, makes a no stay.
Adr.
Mistris.
Taf.
I prythee see if hee haue left the house,
Peepe close, see, but be not seene: is a gon.
Adr.
No, has made a stand.
Ta.
I prethee keepe close.
Ad.
Nay, keep you close y'ad best.
Taf.
What does he now?
Adr.
Now a retiers.
Bou,
O you much partiall gods!
Why gaue you men affections, and not a power
To gouerne them? what I by fate should shunne,
I most affect, a widdow, a widdow.
Taf.
Blowes the wind there.
Adr.
A ha, h'is in ifaith,
Yo'aue drawne him now within your purlews mistresse.
Bou.
Tut I will not loue, my rationall
And better parts shall conquer blind affections,
Let passion children, or weake women sway,
My loue shall to my iudgement still obay.
Taf.
What does he now?
Adr.
H'is gon.
Taf.
Gon Adriana,
Adr.
A went his way, and neuer lookt behind him.
Taf.
Sure he's taken.
Adr.
A little sing'd or so,
Each thing must haue beginning, men must prepare
Before they can come on, and show their loues
In pleasing sort: the man will doe in time,
For loue good Mistresse is much like to waxe,
The more 'tis rub'd, it sticks the faster too,
Or like a bird in bird-lime, or a pit-fall,
The more a labours, still the deeper in.
Taf.
Come, thou must helpe me now, I haue a trick
To second this beginning, and in the nick,
To strike it dead ifaith, women must woe,
When men forget what Nature leads them too.
Enter Throte the Lawyer from his study bookes and bags of money on a Table, a chaire and cushion.
Thr.
Chast Phœbe, splende; there's that left yet,
Next to my booke, Claro micante Auro,
For which the Buckrome bag must trudge all weathers:
Though scarcely fild with one poore replication,
How happy are we that wee ioy the law,
So freely as we doe; not bought and sold,
But clearely giuen, without all base extorting,
Taking but bare ten Angels for a fee,
Or vpward: to this renown'd estate,
Haue I by indirect and cunning meanes,
In-wouen my selfe, and now can scratch it out,
Thrust at a barre, and cry my Lord as low'd,
As ere listed gowne-man of them all.
I neuer plead before the honor'd bench,
But bench right-worshipfull of peacefull Iustices
And Country-Gentlemen, and yet I'aue found
Good gettings by the Masse, besides od cheates,
VVill Small-shankes lands and many garboyles more,
Dash.
Dash Sir.
Thr.
Is that reioynder done.
Da.
Done sir.
Thr.
Haue you drawn't at length, haue you dasht it out,
According to your name.
Das.
Some seauen-score sheetes.
Thr.
Is the demurror drawne twixt Snip and VVoodcock,
And what doe you say to Peacocks pittifull bill,
Das.
I haue drawne his answer negatiue to all.
Thr.
Negatiue to all. The plaintiue sayes,
That VVilliam Goose, was sonne to Thomas Goose,
And will a sweare the generall bill is false.
Das.
A will.
Thr.
Then he forsweares his father, 'tis well,
Some of our clients will go prig to hell
Before ourselues; has a paide all his fees.
Das.
A left them all with me.
Thr.
Then trusse my points,
And how thinkst thou of law?
Das.
Most reuerently,
Law is the worlds great light, a second sunne,
To this terrestriall Globe, by which all things
Haue life and being, and with-out which
Confusion and disorder soone would seaze
The generall state of men, warres, outrages,
The vlcerous deeds of peace, it curbes and cures,
It is the kingdomes eye, by which she sees
The acts and thoughts of men.
Thr.
The kingdomes eye,
I tell thee foole, it is the kingdomes nose,
Nor ist of flesh but meerely made of wax,
And tis, within the power of vs Lawiers,
To wrest this nose of waxe which way we please.
Or it may be as thou saist an eye indeed.
But if it be tis sure a womans eye
knocke within.
Thats euer rowling.
Das.
one knocks.
Thr.
Go see who tis,
Stay, my chaire, and gowne, and then go see who knocks.
Thus must I seeme a Lawyer which am indeed,
But meerly dregs and off scumme of the Law,
En. Bou. Dash. and Consta.
I tricesimo primo Alberti Magni
Tis very cleere.
Bou.
God saue you sir.
Thr.
The place is very pregnant, Maister Boucher;
Most harty welcome sir.
Bou.
You study hard,
Thr.
No I haue a cushion.
Bou.
You ply this geere,
You are no trewant in the law, I see.
Thr.
Faith some hundred bookes in folio I haue
Turnd ouer to better my owne knowledge,
But that is nothing for a studient,
Bou.
Or a Stationer they turne them ouer too,
But not as you doe gentill Maister Throat,
And what? the Law speakes profit does it not?
Thr.
Faith some bad angells haunt vs now and then,
But what brought you hether.
Bou.
Why these smale legs,
Thr.
You are conceited sir,
Bou.
I am in Law.
But let that goe, and tell me how you doe,
How does Will Smalshankes and his louely bride,
Th.
Introth you make me blush, I should haue ask't,
His health of you, but tis not yet to late.
Bou.
Nay good sir Throat forbeare your quillets now,
Thr.
By Heauen I deale most plaine, I saw him not,
Since last I tooke his Morgage.
Bou.
Sir be not nyce,
(Yet I must needs herein commend your loue)
To let me see him; for know I know him wed,
And that a stole away Sommerfields heire,
Therefore suspect me not I am his friend,
Thr.
How wed to ritch Sommerfields onely heyre,
Is old Sommerfield dead?
Bou.
Do you make it strang?
Thr.
By heauen I know it nor.
Bou.
Then am I greeued.
I spake so much (but that I know you loue him.
Bou.
You much mistake me.
Taff.
Come in faith you do:
And let me tell you thats but ceremony,
For though the Pye bee broken vp before,
Yet sayes the prouerbe, the deeper is the sweeter.
I should intreat your secresie sir, fare you well.
Thro.
Nay good sir stay, if ought you can disclose
Of Maister Smale-shankes good, let me pertake,
And make me glad in knowing his good hap.
Bou.
You much indeere him sir, and from your loue,
I dare presume you make your selfe a fortune
If his fayre hopes proceede.
Thr.
Say on good sir.
Bou.
You will be secret.
Thr.
Or be my tongue torne out.
Bouch.
Measure for a Lawyer, but to the poynt
Has stole Somerfields heyre hether a brings her
As to a man on whom a may rely
His life and fortunes: you hath a named
Already for the Steward of his lands,
To keepe his Courts, and to collect his rent,
To let out Leases and to rayse his fines,
Nothing that may, or loue, or profit bring,
But you are named the man.
Thr.
I am his slaue
And bound vnto his noble curtesie-
Euen with my life, I euer said a would thriue,
And I protest I kept his forfeit morgage,
To let him know what tis to liue in want.
Bour.
I thinke no lesse, one word more in priuate.
Con.
Good Maister Dash shall I put you now a case.
Dash.
Speake on good Maister Page.
Con.
Then thus it is,
Suppose I am a Page, he is my Maister,
My Maister goes to bed and cannot tell
What monei's in his hose, I ere next day
Haue filcht out some, what action lies for this.
Dash.
An action boy, cald firking the Posteriors,
With vs your action sildome comes in question:
For that tis knowne that most of your Gallants
Are sildome so well stor'd, that they forget
What mone'is in theyr hose, but if they haue,
And put him to his oath.
Con,
Then fecks-law,
Dost thinke that he has conscience to steale,
Has not a conscience likewise to deny.
Then hange him vp ifayth.
Bou.
I must meete him,
Thr.
Commend me to them, come when they will,
My dores stand open and all within is theirs
And though Ramme stinks with Cookes and ale,
Yet say thers many a worthy lawyers chamber,
Buts vpon Rame-alley, I haue still an open throte,
If ought I haue which may procure his good,
Bid him command, I, though it be my blod.
Ex.
| Ram-Alley : or Merrie-Trickes | |