 | Ram-Alley : or Merrie-Trickes |  |
Actus 3.
Scæna 1.
Enter Sir Oliuer Smalshanke, Iustice Tutchim.Iu. Tu.
A hunting Sir Oliuer and drye-foote to,
S. Ol.
We old men haue our cretchets, our conundrums,
Our fegares, quirks and quibibles,
As well as youth, Iustice Tutchim I goe
To hunt no Buck, but prick a lusty Doe,
I go in truth a wooing.
I. Tu.
Then ride with me,
Ile bring you to my sister Somerfield.
S. Ol.
Iustice not so: by her there hangs a Tale.
I. Tu.
That's true indeed.
S. Ol.
She ha's a daughter.
I. Tu.
And what of that.
S. Ol.
I likewise haue a sonne,
A villanous Boy, his father vp and downe,
What should I say, these Veluet bearded boyes,
I. Tu.
And what of this Sir Oliuer, be plaine,
S. Oli.
A nimble spirited knaue, the villaine boy,
Has one tricke of his sier, has got the wench.
Stolne your ritch Sisters heire.
I. Tu.
Somer-fields heire,
S. Ol.
Has done the deed, has peirst the vessells head,
And knowes by this the vintage.
I. Tu.
when should this be,
Si. Ol.
As I am by my councell well informed,
This very day,
I. Tu.
Tut It cannot be,
Some ten miles hence I saw the maid last night.
S. Ol,
Maides may be maides to night and not to morrow.
Women are free and sell their maiden-heads,
As men sell cloth, by yard and handfull,
But if you chaunce to see your Sister widdow,
Comfort her teares and say her daughters matcht,
With one that has a knocker to his Father,
An honest Noble Knight.
I. Tu.
Stand close Knight, close,
And marke this Captaines humor, his name is Puffe,
A dreames as a walkes, and thinkes no woman
Enter Captaine Puffe.
Sees him but is in loue with him.
Pu.
Twere braue,
If some great Lady, through a window spide me,
And straight should loue me, say she should send,
5000. pound vnto my Lodging,
And craue my company: with that mony,
I would make three seuerall cloakes, and line them
With blacke, Crimson, and Tawny three pyl'd veluet,
I would eate at Chares Ordinary, and dice
At Antonies: then would I keepe my whore,
In beaten veluet and, haue two slaues to tend her.
Si. Ol.
Ha ha ha.
Puf.
What my case of Iustices,
What are you eaues-dropping or doe you thinke,
Your tawny coates with gresie facings here,
Shall carry it? Sir Oliuer Smal-shankes,
Know my name is Puffe, Knight, thee haue I sought,
To fright thee from thy wits.
I. Tu.
Nay good Sir Puffe,
We haue to many mad men already.
Pu.
How? I tell thee Iustice Tuchim, not all
Defesants, warrants, or thy Mittimusses,
Shall saue his throte from cutting if he presume,
To woe the widdow eclipped Tafata,
Shee is my wife by oth. Therefore take heed,
Let me not catch thee in the widdowes house,
If I doe, Ile picke thy head vpon my sword,
And pisse in thy very visnomy, beware, beware.
Come there no more, a Captains word,
Flies not so feirce as doth his fatall sword,
Exit Puffe.
Si. O.
How like you this, shall we indure this thunder,
Or goe no further.
I. Tu.
We will on Sir Oliuer,
We will on, let me aloue to touchim,
I wounder how my spirit did forbeare,
To strike him on the face: had this beene spoke,
Within my Liberties, had dyed for it.
Enter Cap. Puffe.
Si. Ol.
I was about to draw.
Pu.
If you come there,
Thy beard shall serue to stuffe, those balls by which
I get me heat at Tenice.
I. Tu.
Is he gon.
Exit Puffe.
I would a durst a stood to this awhile,
Well I shall catch him in a narrow rome,
Where neither of vs can flinch; If I do,
Ile make him daunce a trenchmoor to my sword,
Come Ile along with you to the widdow.
We will not be out-braued, take my word,
Weele not be wronged while I can draw a sword.
Exit.
Enter Throte and other Gentlemen.
Thr.
Let the Cotch stay at Showlane end: be ready,
Let the boote stand open, and when she's in:
Hurry towards Saint Gyles in the field,
As if the Diuell himselfe were wagoner,
Now for an arme of oake, and heart of steele,
To bare away the wench, to get a wife,
A gentlewoman, a maid, nay which is more,
An honest maid, and which is most of all,
A rich and honest maid: O Ioue Ioue!
For a man to wed such a wife as this,
1. Gen.
Is she so exquesite.
Thr.
Sir she is rich
And a great heire.
2. Gen.
Tis the more dangerous,
Thr.
Dangerous? Lord where be those gallant spirits,
The time has beene when scarce an honest woman,
Much lesse a wench could passe an Inn of court,
But some of the fry would haue bene doing
With her: I knew the day when Shreds a Taylor
Comming once late by an Inne of Chancerie,
Was layd a long, and muffled in his cloake,
His wife tooke in, Stytcht vp, turnd out againe,
And he perswaded all was but in iest,
Tut those braue boyes are gone, these which are left,
Are wary lads, liue poring on their bookes,
And giue their lynnen to their landresses,
By tayle, they now can saue their pursses,
I knew when euery gallant had his man.
But now a twelpenny weekely Landresse,
Will serue the turne to halfe a dosen of them,
Enter Dash.
Here comes my man, what newes.
Das.
As you would wish.
The Lady Somer-field is come to towne,
Her horses yet are walking, and her men say,
Her onely daughter, is conuayd away,
Noe man knowes how: now to it mast,
You and your Seruant Dash are made for euer
If you but sticke to it now.
Thr.
Gentlemen,
Now show your selues at full, and not a man,
But shares a fortune with me if I speed.
Enter William Smal-shanke Boutcher. Thomas Smal-shanke, Francis and Bear. with a torch.
1. Gen.
Tut feare not vs be shure you runne away,
And weele performe the quarrell.
Thr.
Stand close, they come,
W. S.
Art sure he wilbe here.
Fr.
Most sure.
W. S.
Beard.
Be.
Sir.
W. S.
Beare vp the torch, and keepe your way apace
Directly to the Sauoy.
Th. S.
Haue you a Lycence,
Looke to that brother before you marry,
For feare the Parson loose his benifice.
Tut our Curat craues no lycence, a sweres
His liuing cam to him by a miracle,
Bou.
How by miracle?
Wi. S.
Why a paid nothing fort,
A swares that few be free from Symony,
But onely welchmen, and those a sayes to,
Are but mountayne Priests.
Bou.
But hang him foole he lies,
Whats his reason?
Wi. S.
His reason is this,
That all their liuings are so rude and bare,
That not a man, will venter his damnation
By giuing mony for them: a does protest,
There is but two paire, of hoose, and shooes,
In all his Parish.
1, Gen.
Hold vp your light Sir.
Bea.
Shall I be taught how to aduance my torch,
W. S.
Whats the matter Leiftenant.
2. Ge.
Your Lieftenants
Bea.
How an asse; die men like dogs.
W. S.
hold gentlemen.
Bea.
An asse, an asse.
Th. S.
Hold brother hold, Lieftenant.
Put vp as you are men, your wife is gonne.
W. S.
Gone.
Bou.
Gone.
W. S.
How, which way? this is some plot,
T. S.
Downe toward Fleete bridge.
All.
Follow, follow, follow.
Ex.
1. Gen.
So has the wentch let vs persue a loofe,
And see the euent, this will proue good mirth,
When things vnshapde shall haue a perfit birth.
Exit.
Enter W. Smal-shancke Boucher, Thom. Smal. and Beard, their swords drawne.
W. S.
Tis a thing vnpossible, they should be gon
Thus far and we not see them.
T. S.
Vpon my life.
They went in by the Grey-hound, and so strooke,
Into Bridewell.
Bou.
What should she make there;
T. S.
Take water at the docke.
Bea.
Water at Docke,
A fico for her Docke, youle not be ruld.
Youle stil be obstinate, Ile pawne my fate,
She tooke along shew-lane, and so went home,
W. S.
Home.
Bea.
I home; how could shee chose but go,
Seeing so many naked tooles at once,
Drawne in the streete?
T. S.
What scuruy lucke was this,
W. S.
Come we will find her, or weele fire the Suburbs,
Put vp your tooles, letts first along show-lane,
Then straite vp Holborne, If we find her not;
I am vndone and all your hopes are crost.
Exit.
Enter Sir Oliuer Smaleshankes, Iustice Tutchim, Mistris Tafata, Adriana.
Sir Ol.
Widdow I must be short.
Iu. Tu.
Sir Oliuer,
Will you shame your selfe, ha? You must be short,
Why what a word was that to tell a widdow?
Sir Ol.
I ment I must be breefe.
Iu. Tut.
Why say so then,
Yet thats almost as ill; go to, speake on.
Sir Ol.
Widdow I must be breefe, what old men doe,
They must doe quickly.
Taf.
Then good sir do it,
Widdowes are sildome slow to put men to it.
Sir Ol.
And old men know their q's, my Loue you knowe,
Has beene protested long, and now I come
To make my latest tender, an old growne oake
Can keepe you from the raine, and stands as fayre
And portly as the best'
Taf.
Yet search him well,
And wee shall find no pithe or hearty Timber
To vnderlay a building.
Iu. Tu.
I would that Oake
Had beene a fire: Forward good sir Oliuer,
Your Oake is naught: sticke not too much to that.
Sir Ol.
If you can like, you shall be Ladified.
Liue at the court, and soone bee got with child,
What do you thinke we old men can do nothing?
Iu: Tut:
This was somewhat like:
Sir Ol.
You shall haue Iewels,
A Baboone, Parrat, and an Izeland Dog,
And I my selfe to beare you company.
Your Ioynter is fiue hundred pound by yeere,
Besides your Plate, your Chaines and houshould stuffe,
When enuious fate shall change this mortall life.
Taf.
But shall I not be ouer-cloyde with loue?
Will you nor be too busie shall I keepe
My chamber by the moneth, if I bee pleas'd
To take Physick, to send for Visitants,
To haue my maide read Amadis de Gaule,
Or Donzel del Phœbo to me? shall I haue
A Carotch of the last edition,
The Coatch-mans seate a good way from the Coatch,
Chance to talke bawdy, he may not ouer-heare vs.
S. Ol.
All this and more.
Taf.
Shall we haue two chambers?
And will you not presume vnto my bed,
Till I shall call you by my waiting maide.
S. Ol.
Not I by heauen.
Taf.
And when I send her,
Will you not intice her to your lust,
Nor tumble her before you come to me.
Adr.
Nay let him do his worst, make your match sure,
And scare not me, I neuer yet did feare
Any thing my maister could doe to mee.
Knock.
Taf.
What noyse is that, goe see Adriana,
And bring me word: I am so haunted
With a swaggering Captaine, that sweares God blesse vs
Like a very Tarmagant, a Raskall knaue,
Enter Adr.
That saies he will kill all men which seekes to wed me.
Adr.
O Mistrisse! Captaine Puffe halfe drunke, is now
Comming vp staires.
S. Ol.
O God haue you no roome
Beyond this Chamber, has sworne to kill me,
And pisse in my very visnomy,
Taf.
What are you afraid Sir Oliuer?
S. Ol.
Not affraid,
But of all men I loue not to meddle with a Drunkard:
Haue you any Rome backwards.
Taf.
None Sir.
Iu. Tu.
Is there nere a Trunke or Cubbert for him,
Is there nere a hole backwards to hide him in.
Cap. Pu.
I must speake with her.
S. Ol.
O God a comes.
Adr.
Creepe vnder my Mistrisse Farthingale Knight,
That's the best and safest place in the Chamber.
I. Tu.
I there, there, that he will neuer mistrust.
Adr.
Enter Knight, keepe close, gather your selfe
Round like a Hedge-hog stirre not what ere you heere,
See or smell Knight, God blesse vs, here a comes.
Ent. C. Puff.
Ca. Pu.
Blesse thee widdow and wife.
Taf.
Sir get you gon.
Leaue my house, or I will haue you coniur'd
With such a spell, you neuer yet haue heard of,
Haue you no other place to vent your froth,
But in my house, is this the fittest place,
Your Captaineship can find to puff in: ha!
How, am I not thy spouse, didst thou not say,
These armes should clip thy naked body fast,
Betwixt two linnen sheetes, and be sole Lord
Of all thy pewter-worke, thy word is past,
And know that man is powder, dust, and earth,
That shall once dare to thinke thee for his wife.
Taf.
How now you slaue, one call the Constable.
C. Puf.
No Constable with all his Holberteeres,
Dare once aduance his head, or peepe vp staires,
If I crye but keepe downe: haue I not liu'd,
And marched on the sieged walles,
In thunder, lightning, raine, and snow,
And eake in shotte of powdered balls,
Whose costly markes are yet to show?
Taf.
Captaine Face, for my last husbands sake,
With whom you were familiarly acquainted,
I am content to winke at these rude tricks,
But hence, trouble me no more, if you doe,
I shall lay you fast, where you shall see
No Sunne or Moone.
C, Puf.
Nor yet the Northen Pole,
A fico for the Sunne and Moone, let me liue in a hole,
So these two starres may shine.
Taf.
Sir, get you gon,
You swaggering, cheating, Turne-bul-streete roague,
Or I will hale you to the common-Iayle,
Where Lyce shall eate you.
C. Pu.
Go to, I shall spurne
And slash your petti-coate.
Taf.
Runne to the Counter,
Fetch me a red-bearded Sargeant, Ile make
You Captaine thinke the Deuill of hell is come
To fetch you, if hee once fasten on you.
C. Pu.
Dambe thee & thy Sergeants, thou Mercers Punke.
Thus will I kick thee and thy Farthingales.
S. Ol.
Hold Captaine.
C Pu.
What do you cast your whelps.
What haue I found you sir? haue not I plast
My Sakers, Culuerings, Demi-culuerings,
My Cannons, Demi-cannons, Basilisks,
Vpon her breatch, and do I not stand,
Ready with my Pike to make my entry,
And are you come to man her?
S. Ol.
Good Captaine hold.
Are not her Bulwarkes Parrapets, Trenches,
Scarfes, Counter-scarfes, Fortifications,
Curtaines, Shaddowes, Mines, Counter-mines,
Rampires, Forts, Ditches, Workes, Water-workes,
And is not her halfe-moone mine, and do you bring
A rescue good-man Knight
Taf.
Call vp my men,
Enter 2. or 3. with clubs.
Where be these knaues, haue they no ears or hearts,
Beate hence this rascall, some other fetch a warrant,
Ile teach him know himselfe.
I. Tu.
Downe with the slaue.
S. Ol.
'Tis not your beard shall cary it, down with the rogue.
C. Pu.
Not Hercules gainst twenty.
I. Tu.
A sirra,
Ex: Face
I knew my hands no longer could forbeare him,
Why did you not strike the Knaue, sir Oliuer?
S. Ol.
Why so I did.
I. Tu.
But then it was too late.
S. Ol.
What would you haue me do when I was downe,
And hee stood thundring with his weapon drawne,
Enter Adriana.
Ready to cut my throte.
Adr.
The roague is gon,
And heer's one from the Lady Somerfield,
To intreat you come with all the speed you can,
To Saint Iohns streete.
I. Tu.
Which I wil do.
Taf.
Gentlemen
I am sorry you should be thus disturbed
Within my house, but now all feare is past,
You are most welcome: supper ended,
Ile giue a gratious answer to your sute,
Meane while let nought dismay, or keepe you mute.
Ex.
Enter Throte, Francis, and Dash.
Thr.
Pay the Coatch-man Dash, pay him well,
And thanke him for his speed. Now Uiuat Rex,
The knot is knit, which not the law it selfe,
With all his Hydra heads and strongest nerues,
Is able to disioyne: Now let him hang,
Fret out his guts, and sweare the starres from Heauen,
A neuer shall enioy you, you shall be rich.
Your Lady mother this day came to towne
In your pursute: wee will but shift some ragges,
And straite goe take her blessing.
Fra.
That must not be,
Attended by your man and honest Beard,
Will thether first, and with my Lady mother
Craue a peace for you.
Thr.
I like that well,
Her anger some-what calm'd, I brisk and fine,
Some halfe houre after will present my selfe
As sonne in law vnto her, which she must needs
Accept with gratious lookes.
Fra.
I when shee knowes
Before by me, from what an eminent plague
Your wisdome has preseru'd me.
Thr.
I, that, that,
That will strike it dead: but heere comes Beard.
Enter Beard.
Bea.
What are you sure, tide fast by heart and hand.
Thr.
I now do call her wife, she now is mine,
Seald and deliuered by an honest Priest,
At Saint Giles in the field.
Bea.
God giue you ioy sir.
Thr.
But where's mad Smal-shanke.
Bea.
O hard at hand,
And almost mad with losse of his faire bride,
Let not my louely Mistresse bee seene,
And see if you can draw him to compound
For all his title to her, I haue Sargiants
Ready to do the feate, when time shall serue.
Thr.
Stand you aside deere loue nay I will firke
My silly nouice, as he was neuer firkt
Since Midwiues bound his noddle: heere they come.
Enter W. Smallsh. Th. Smalsh. and Boucher.
W. S.
O Maister Throte, vnlesse you speake good newes,
My hopes are crost, and I vndone for euer.
Thr.
I neuer thought you'd come to other end,
Your courses haue beene alwayes so prophane,
Extrauagant and base.
W. S.
Nay good sir heare?
Did not my loue returne? came she not hether,
For Ioues loue speake.
Thr.
Sir will you get you gon,
And seeke your loue elsewhere; for know my house
Is not to entertaine such customers
As you and your comrades.
W. S.
Is the man mad,
Or drunke, why Maister Throte know you to whom
You talke so sawcily?
Thr.
Why vnto you,
Bou.
Nay good sir hold vs not in this suspence,
Answere directly, came not the Virgin hether.
Thr.
Will you be gon directly, are you mad?
Come you to seeke a Virgin in Ram-alley
Soe neere an Inne of Court, and amongst Cookes,
Ale-men and Landresses, why are you fooles?
W Sm.
Sir leaue this firck of law, or by this light
Ile giue your throte a slit, came she not hether?
Answere to that poynt.
Thr.
What, haue you lost her?
Come doe not gull your frinds.
W. Sm.
By heauen she's gon
Vnlesse she be return'd since wee last left you.
Thr.
Nay then I cry you mercy, she came not hether
As 'am an honest man: Ist possible
A maid so louely, fayre, so well demeand,
Should be tooke from you? what from you three?
So yong, so braue and valliant Gentlemen?
Sure it cannot bee.
T. Sm.
A fore God tis true.
W. Sm.
To our pepetuall shames tis now too true.
Thr.
Is she not left behind you in the Tauerne?
Are you shure you brought her out? were you not drunke
And so forgot her?
W. Sm.
A pox on all such luck,
I will find her, or by this good light
Ile fire all the Citty, come let's goe,
Who euer has her shall not long enioy her,
Ile proue a contract, lets walke the round,
Ile haue her if shee keepe aboue the ground.
Exit.
Thr.
Ha ha ha, a makes me sport. ifaith
The gull is mad, starke mad, Dash draw the bond
And a release of all his interest
In this my loued wife,
Bea.
I be sure of that,
For I haue certaine gobblins in buffe Ierkins
Enter with the Sargeants.
Lye in ambuscado for him.
Off.
I arrest you sir:
W. Sm.
Reskue, resku.
Th.
O he is caught.
W. Sm.
Ile giue you baile
Hang off honest catch-poles
M. Thr.
good, wise,
Learned, and honest maister Throte, now, now,
Now or neuer helpe me.
Thro.
Whats the matter?
W. Sm.
Here are two retainers, hangers on sir,
If by your meanes they be not straite shooke off:
I am arrested.
Thr.
Arested? what's the summe?
W. S.
But thirteene pound, due to Beard the Butler,
Do but baile me, and I will saue you harmlesse.
Thr,
Why heer's the end of Ryot, I know the law,
If you be baild by me, the debt is mine,
Which I will vndertake.
W. S.
Law there; Roagues,
Foote I know hee would not let me want
For thirteene pounds.
Thr.
Prouided, you seale a release,
Of all your claime to Mistresse Somerfield.
W. S.
Sergeants doe your kinde, hale me to the hole,
Seale a release, Sargeants come, to prison,
Seale a release for Mistrisse Somerfield,
First I will stinck in Iayle, be eate with Lyce,
Indure an obiect worse then the Deuill himselfe,
And that's ten Sergeants peeping through the grates
Vpon my lowsie linnen, come to Iayle,
Foote a release.
T. S.
Ther's no conscience in it.
Bou.
'Tis a demand vncharitable.
Thr.
Nay choose.
Fra.
I can hold no longer, impudent man.
W. S.
My wife, foote my wife, let me go Sergiants.
Fra.
O thou perfidious man darst thou presume
To call her wife, whom thou so much hast wrong'd,
What conquest hast thou got, to wrong a maide,
A silly harmelesse maide? what glory ist
That thou hast thus deceiued a simple, Virgin,
And brought her from her friends? what honor wast
For thee to make the Butler loose his office
And runne away with thee. Your tricks are knowne,
Didst thou not sweare thou shouldst be Baroniz'd?
And hadst both lands and fortunes? both which thou wantst.
W. S.
Foote that's not my falt, I would haue lands
If I could get em.
Fra.
I know your trick;
And know I now am wise vnto this man.
Omn.
How?
Thr.
I thanke her sir, she has now voutchsaft
To cast her selfe on me.
Fra.
Therefore subscribe,
Take some-what of him for a full release,
If not, I doe protest by earth and Heauen,
Although I starue, thou neuer shalt inioy me.
Bea.
Her vow is past, nor will she breake her word,
Looke to it mitcher.
Fra.
I hope a will compound.
W. S.
Foote shall I giue two thousand pound a yeare
For nothing.
T. S.
Brother come, be rul'd by me,
Better to take a little then loose all.
Bou.
You see shee's resolute, y'had best compound.
W. S.
Ile first be damn'd ere I will lose my right,
Vnlesse a giue me vp my forfit morgage,
And baile me of this action.
Fra.
Sir you may choose,
What's the morgage worth?
W. S.
Lets haue no whispering.
Thr.
Some forty pounds a yeare.
Fra.
Doe it, doe it,
Come you shall do it, we will be rid of him
At any rate.
Thr.
Dash; go fetch his morgage,
See that your friends be bound, you shall not claime
Title, right, possession in part or whole,
In time to come, in this my loued wife:
I will restore the morgage, pay this debt,
And set you free.
W. S.
They shall not.
Bou.
We will,
Come draw the bonds, and we will soone subscribe them.
Enter Dash.
Thr.
They're ready drawne; here's his release,
Sergiants let him goe.
Dash.
Here's the morgage sir.
W. S.
Was euer man thus cheated of a wife:
Is this my morgage.
Thr.
The very same sir.
W. S.
Well I will subscribe, God giue your ioy,
Although I haue but little cause to wish it,
My heart will scarce consent vnto my hand,
Tis done.
Thr.
You giue this as your deeds.
Omn.
We doe,
Thr.
Certifie them Dash.
W. S.
What am I free.
Thr.
You are, Sargeants I discharge you,
There's your fees.
Bea.
Not so, I must haue money.
Thr.
Ile passe my word.
Bea.
Foutrè, words are winde,
I say I must haue money.
Thr.
How much sir.
Bea.
Three pounds in hand, and all the rest to morrow.
Thr.
Ther's your summe, now officers begon,
And see my Lady-mother: shee's now in towne,
And we to her shall straite present our duties.
T. S.
O Ioue shall we loose the wench thus.
W. S.
Euen thus
Throte farewell, since 'tis thy luck to haue her,
I still shall pray, you long may liue together:
Now each to his affaires.
Thr.
Good night to all,
Ex:
Deare wife step in, Beard and Dash come hether:
Heere take this money: goe borrow Iewels
Of the next Gold-smith: Beard take thou these bookes,
Goe both to the Broakers in Fetter lane,
Lay them in pawne for a Veluet Ierken
And a double Ruffe, tell him a shall haue
As much for loane to night, as I do giue
Vsually for a whole circuit, which done
You two shall man her to her mothers: goe,
Ex.
My fate lookes big; me thinkes I see already,
Nineteene gold chaines, seauenteene great beards, and ten
Reuerent bald heads, proclaime my way before me,
My Coatch shall now go prancing through Cheapside,
And not be forst to hurry through the streetes,
For feare of Sargeants: nor shall I need to trye,
Whether my wel-grast tumbling foot-cloth nag,
Be able to out-runne a wel-breath'd Catch pole,
I now in pompe will ride, for 'tis most fit,
Hee should haue state that riseth by his wit.
Ex.
| Ram-Alley : or Merrie-Trickes | |