A Faire Quarrell With new Additions of Mr. Chaughs and Trimtrams Roaring, and the Bauds Song |
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Actus primus
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 | A Faire Quarrell |  |
Actus primus
Scæna prima.
Enter Master Russell Solus.Russell:
It must be all my care; theres all my loue,
And that pulls on the tother, had I beene left
In a sonne behind me, while I had beene here
He should haue shifted as I did before him;
Liu'd on the freeborne portion of his wit:
But a daughter, and that an onely one, oh?
We cannot be to carefull ore, to tender,
Tis such a brittle nicenes: a meere cubbord of glasses,
The least shake breakes, or crakes em; all my aime is
To cast her vpon riches: thats the thing
We richmen call perfection, for the world
Can perfect nought without it, 'tis not neatnesse
Either in handsome wit; or handsome outside
With which one gentleman (far indebt) has courted her
Which boldnes he shall rue. He thinkes me blind,
And ignorant, I haue let him play along time,
Seem'd to beleiue his worth; which I know nothing.
He may perhaps laugh at my easie confidence
Which closely I requite vpon his fondnesse.
For this houre, snaps him; and before his Mistris
His Saint forsooth, which he inscribes my girle,
He shall be rudely taken and disgract,
The trick will proue an euerlasting Scarcrow,
To fright poore gallants from our rich-mens daughters,
Enter the Lady Ager, with two seruants.
Sister? Iue such a ioy to make you a well-come of,
Better you neuer tasted.
Lady,
Good sir spare it not,
Colonells come, & your son Captaine Ager;
Lady.
My sonne!—she weepes:
Russ.
I know your eye would be first seru'd,
Thats the soules taster still for griefe, or ioy,
Lady.
Oh if a mothers deare suit may preuaile with him,
From England; he shall neuer part agen,
Russ.
No question he'le be ruld, and grant you that,
Lady.
Ile bring all my desires to that request.
Exeunt Lady and her Seruants.
Russ.
Affectionate sister, she ha's no daughter now
It followes all the loue must come to him,
And he has a worth deserues it, were it dearer.
Enter a friend of the Colonells, aud another of Captaine Agers.
Colo. Frien.
I must not giue way too't,
Russ.
Whats here to question,
Col. Frie.
Compare young Captaine Ager, with the Colonel,
Cap. Fri.
Yong? why, doe you make youth stand for an imputation:
that which you now produce for his disgrace,
Should haue an anger more enclind to courage
And moderation then the Colonell:
A vertue as rare as chastety in youth.
And let the cause be good; (conscience in him
Which euer crownes his acts, and is indeed,
Valours prosperity) he dares then as much,
As euer mad him famous that you pleade for;
Col: Frien.
Then I forbeare to long.
Cap: Frien.
His worth for me.
Russ.
Heres noble youths, belike some wench has
crost 'em, and now they know not what to doe with
their blood.
Enter the Colonell and Captaine Agar.
Colo.
How now!
Cap.
Hold, hold, whats the incitement,
Colo.
So serious at your game, come, come, the quarrell,
Colo. frie.
Nothing good faith sir.
Colo.
Nothing, and you bleed,
Bleed, where, pish, a little scratch by chance sir,
Col:
What need this nicenes, when you know so wel
That I must know these things, and truly know 'em,
Your daintines makes me but more impatient,
This strange concealement frets me.
Col. fri.
Words did passe
Which I was bound to answer, as my opinion
And loue instructed me, and should I take in generall fame,
Into 'em, I thinke I should commit no error in't,
Colo.
What words sir, and of whom,
Col. fri.
This gentleman.
Paralelld Captaine Agers worth with yours,
Colo.
With mine.
Col. fai.
It was a thing I could nor listen to
With any patience.
Capt.
What should aile you sir,
There was little wrong done to your friend i'that,
Colo.
How? little wrong, to me,
Capt.
I said so, friend.
And I suppose that you'le esteeme it so;
Colo.
Compatisons?
Capt.
Why sir? twixt friend, and friend,
There is so euen and leuell a degree
It will admit of no superlatiue.
Col:
Not in termes of man-hood?
Russ.
Nay gentlemen,
Col.
Good sir giue mee leaue, in termes of manhood?
What can you dispute more questionable?
You are a captaine sir, I giue you all your due,
Cap.
And you are a Colonell, a title
Which may include within it many captaines,
Yet sir, but throwing by those titular shaddows,
Which ad no substance to the men themselues;
And take them vncompounded, man and man;
They may be so with faire equallity,
Colo.
Y'are a boy sir,
Cap.
And you haue a Beard sir.
Virginity and marriage are both worthy,
And the positiue puritie there are some
Colo.
How now?
Russ.
Nay good sir,
Cap.
I shrinke not, he that goes the formost,
May be oretaken.
Colo:
Death, how am I weighd?
Cap.
In an euen ballance sir, a beard put in
Giues but a small aduantage: man and man
And lift the scales,
Colo.
Patience shalbe my curse
If it ride me further;
Russ.
How now Gallants?
Beleeue me then, I must giue aime no longer,
Can words beget swords and bring um forth, ha?
Come they are abortiue propagations;
Hide 'um for shame, I had thought Souldiers
Had bin musicall; would not strike out of time,
But to the consort of Drum, Trumps and Fife.
Tis madman-like to daunce without musique,
And most vnpleasing showes to the beholders,
A Lydian ditty to a Dorick note
Friends embrace with steele hands? fie, it meets to hard,
I must haue those encounters heere debar'd,
Colo.
Shall I loose heere what I haue safe brought home
Through many dangers?
Capt.
Whats that sir?
Colo.
My fame,
Life of the life, my reputation,
Death? I am squar'd and measur'd out, my heights
Depths, breadth, all my dimensions taken,
Sure I haue yet beyond your Astralobe
A spirit vnbounded;
Cap.
Sir, you might weigh,
Russ.
Tush, all this is weighing fire, vaine & fruitles,
The further it runnes into argument
The further plung'd, beseech you no more on't,
I haue a little claime, sir, in your blood
As neare as the brother to your mother,
If that may serue for power to moue your quiet
The rest I shall make vp with curtesie
Cap.
I haue done sir, but
Russ.
But! Ile haue no more shooting at these buts,
Colo:
Wee'le to pricks, when he please,
Russ.
You roue all still
Sir, I haue no motiue proofe to disgest
Your raisd choller back into temperate blood,
But if you'le make mine age a counsellor
(As all ages haue hitherto allow'd it)
Wisdome in men growes vp as yeares encrease,
You shall make me blessed in making peace,
And doe your iudgement right,
Colo.
In peace at home
Gray hayres are Senators: but to determine
Soldiers and their actions;
Enter Fitzallen and Iane.
Russ.
Tis peace heere sir,
And see, heere comes a happy Interim,
Here enters now a Sceane of louing armes;
This couple will not quarrell so;
Colo. Fri.
Be aduisd, Sir,
This gentleman Fitzallen is your kinsman,
You may 'orethrow his long labord fortunes
With one angry minut, tis a rich churle
And this his sole inheritrix, blast not
His hopes with this tempest,
Colo.
It shall calme me,
All the townes coniurers and their Dæmons
Could not haue layd my spirit so,
Fitz.
Worthy Cuz
I gratulate your faire returne to peace
Your swift fame was at home long before you;
Colo.
It meetes (I hope) your hapy fortunes heere
And I am glad int, I must salute your ioyes, cuz,
With a soulders encounter
Kisses her.
Fitz.
Worthy Captaine Ager,
I hope my kinsman shortly,—
Russ.
You must come short indeed,
Why now it showes finely, Ile tell you, sir,
Sir, nay sonne, I know i'th end, twill be so,
Fitz.
I hope so, sir,
Russ.
Hope? nay tis past all hope, sonne,
Heere has beene such a stormy incounter,
Betwixt my cozen Captaine and this braue Colonell
About I know not what, nothing indeed,
Competitions, degrees and comparatiues
Of Soldiership: but this smooth passage
Of loue has calm'd it all, come Ile hau't sound,
Let me see your hearts combined in your hands,
And then I will beleeue the league is good,
It shall be the grapes if we drinke any blood.
Colo.
I haue no anger sir,
Capt.
I haue had none,
My blood has not yet rose to a quarrell,
Nor haue you had cause,
Colo.
No cause of quarrell?
death? if my father should tell me so:
Russ.
agen?
Fitz.
Good sir, for my sake,
Colo.
Faith, I haue done, Cuz,
You doe too hastily beleeue mine anger,
And yet to say, deminiting vallour
In a soldier is no cause of quarrell.
Russ.
Nay then Ile remoue the cause to kil th'effect,
Kinsman, Ile presse you too't, if either loue
Or consanguinity may moue you too't,
I must disarme you, though yeare a soldier,
Pray grant me your weapon, it shall be safe
At your regresse from my house, now I know
No words can moue this noble soldiers sword
To a man vndefenc't so, we shall parle,
And safely make all perfect friends agen,
Colo.
To shew my will sir, accept mine to you,
As good not weare it as not dare to vse it.
Colo. friend.
Nay then sir, we will be all exampled.
Wee'le haue no Armes heere now but louers armes.
No seconds must begin a quarrell,
Take mine sir.
Russ.
Why Law, what a fine Sun shines heere? these
clouds my breath has blowne into another Climate,
These were the fish that I did angle for,
I haue caught 'vm finely, now for my trick,
My proiect's lusty, and will hit the nick.
Exit with weapons.
Colo.
What ist a match beauty? I would now haue,
Aliance with my worthy Captaine Ager,
To knit our loues the faster; heeres witnes
Enough if you confirme it now.
Iane.
Sir my voyce,
Was long since giuen, since that I gaue my hand,
Colo.
Would you had seald too,
Iane.
That wish comes too late,
For I too soone feare my deliuery:
(aside.)
My fathers hand stickes yet sir, you may now
Challenge a lawfull interest in his,
Hee tooke your hand from your enraged blood,
And gaue it freely to your opposite
My Cozen Ager, me thinks you should claime from him,
In the lesse quality of calmer blood,
To ioyne the hands of two diuided friends,
Euen these two that would offer willingly
Their owne embrace.
Capt. friend.
Troth, she instructs you well
Colonell: and you shall doe a louers part
worth one braue act of vallour.
Colo.
VVhy, I did
misdoubt no scruple, is there doubt in it?
Fitz.
Faith sir, delaies, which at the least are doubts,
But heeres a constant resolution fixt,
VVhich we wish willingly he would accord to,
Colo.
Tush he shall doo't, I will not be denyed,
Hee owes me so much in the recompence
of my reconcilement, Captaine Ager
You will take our parts aganst your vncle
Ager.
I shall doe my best, sir,
Two denialls shall not repulse me, I loue
Your worthy kinsman and wish him mine, I know
He doubts it not.
Colo.
See, hee's returnd.
Enter Russell and a Seruant.
Russ.
Your qu.
Be sure you keep it, 'twill be spoken quickly.
Therefore watch it.
Colo.
Lets set on him all at once.
Omnes,
Sir, we haue a sute to you.
Russ.
What! all at once.
Omnes.
All, all, ifaith, sir.
Russ.
On speaker may yet deliuer, say, say,
I shall not dare to stand out against so many,
Colo.
Faith sir heeres a brabling matter hangs on demurre,
I make the motion for all, without a fee
Pray you let it be ended this terme,
Russ.
Ha, ha, ha.
Thats the rascalls qu, and he has mist it.
aside.
What is it? what is it sir?
Colo.
Why sir, here's a man;
And heer's a woman; y'are scholler good enough,
Put 'am togither; and tell me what it spells,
Russ.
Ha, ha, ha, theres his qu once agen,
Enter Seruant.
Oh hee's come, humh:
Seru.
My maister laughes, that's his qu to mischiefe,
Col.
What say you, sir
Seru.
Sir.
Russ.
Ha? what say you sir?
Seru.
Sir, theres a couple desire speedily to speake with you.
Russ.
A couple sir, of what, hounds, or horses?
Seru.
Men sir, gentlemen or yeomen, I know not which;
But the one sure they are
Russ.
Hast thou no other description of them.
Seru.
They come with commission, they say, sir to
tast of your earth: if they like it, they'le turne it into
gunpouder.
Russ.
Oh, they are Salt-peetermen, before mee
And they bring commission: the kings power indeed,
Theres all the hope we haue in Officers,
They were too dangerous in a common wealth,
But that they will be very well corrupted, necessary varlets,
Seru:
Shall I enter in sir?
Russ.
By all faire meanes sir.
And with all speed sir, giue vm very good words,
To saue my ground vnrauisht, vnbroke vp,
Mines yet a virgin earth: the worme hath not beene seene,
To wriggle in her chast bowells: and Ide be loth
A Gunpowder fellow should defloure her now.
Colo.
Our suit is yet delayd by this meanes sir,
Russ.
Alas I cannot help it, these fellowes gone
(As I hope I shall dispatch vm quickly)
A few Articles shall conclude your suite,
Who? Mr. Fitzallen: the onely man
That my adoption aymes at.
Colo.
Theres good hope then.
Enter two Sergeants in disguise.
1. Ser.
Saue you, sir,
Russ.
You are welcome sir for ought I know yet,
2. Ser.
We come to take a view and tast of your ground, sir,
Russ.
I had rather feed you with better meat, Gentlemen,
But doe your pleasures, pray:
1.
This is our pleasures, we arrest you, sir, in the Kings name
Fitz.
Ha! at whose suite?
Russ.
Howe's that?
Colo.
Our weapons, good sir furnish vs.
Iane.
Aye me,
Russ.
Stay stay, Gentlemen, lets enquire the cause,
It may be but a trifle, a small debt,
Shall need no rescew heere.
2.
Sir betwixt three Creditors: M
r. Leach, Mr. Swallow,
and M
r. Bonesuck, the debts are a thousand pvunds.
Russ.
A thousand pounds?
Beshrow me a good mans substance.
Colo.
Good sir our weapons weele teach these varlets
to walke in their owne parti-coulour'd Coates,
that they may be distinguish't from honest men.
1. Ser.
Sir, attempt no rescue, hee's our prisoner,
you'le make the danger worse by violence.
A plague vpon your Gunpowder treason;
Yee quicke damb'd Varlets, is this your salt peter proouing,
Your tasting earth, would you might neuer feede better,
Nor none of your Catchpole tribe:
Our weapons good sir, weele yet deliuer him.
Russ.
Pardon me sir,
I dare not suffer rescue heere,
At least not by so great an accessarie
As to furnish you; had you had your weapons,
But to see the Ill fate on't, my fine tricke Ifaith,
Let Beggers beware to loue Richmens Daughters,
I'le teach 'um the new morrice, I learn't it
My selfe of another carefull Father.
Fitz.
May I not be bayld?
2. Ser.
Yes, but not with swords,
Colo.
Slaues, heere are sufficent men;
1. Ser.
I ith field,
But not in the Citty, sir, if this Gentleman
Will be one, wee'le easily admit the second.
Russ.
Who I? sir, pray pardon me, I am wrongd,
Very much wrongd in this, I must needs speake it,
Sir, you haue not dealt like an honest Louer,
With me not my child, heere you boaste to mee
Of a great reuenew, a large substance
Wherein you would endow & state my daughter,
Had I mist this, my opinion yet
Thought you a frugall man, to vnderstand,
The sure wardes against all necessities,
Boldly to defend your wife and Family,
To walke vnmuffled, dreadlesse of these fleshhookes,
Euen in the daring'st streets through all the Citty,
But now I find you a loose Prodigall,
A large vnthrift, a whole thousand pound?
Come from him girle, his inside is not sound?
Fitz.
Sir I am wrongd,
These are malitious plots,
Of some obscure enemies that I haue,
These debts are none of mine.
Russ.
I all say so,
If so you doe, you must then cal't your owne,
The like arrerage doe I run into
Should I baile you; But I haue vow'd against it,
And I will keepe my vowes: that's religious.
Fitz.
All this is nothing so sir.
Russ.
Nothing so?
By my faith it is sir, my vowes are firme,
Fitz.
I neither owe these debts,
Nor engag'd for others.
Russ.
The easier is your liberty regain'd,
These appeare proofes to me,
Colo.
Liberty sir?
I hope youle not see him goe to Prison,
Russ.
I do not meane to beare him company
So far: but Ile see him out of my doores,
Oh sir, let him goe to Prison, 'tis a Schoole
To tame wild bloods, heele be much better fort,
Colo.
Better for lying in Prison,
Russ.
In prison,
Beleeue it many an honest man lies in prison,
Else all the keepers are knaues,
They told me so themselues.
Col.
Sir, I doe now suspect you haue betraid him,
And vs to cause vs to be weaponlesse,
If it be so y'are a blood sucking Churle,
One that was born in a great frost, when charity
Could not stir a finger, and you shall dye
In heate of a burning feauer i'th Dog dayes,
To begin your hell to you, I haue said your grace for you,
Now get you to supper as soone as you can,
Pluto the Maister of the house is set already,
Cap.
Sir you doe wrong mine Vncle.
Colo.
Poxe on your Vncle,
And all his kin, if my Kinsman mingle
No blood with him.
Capt.
Y'are a foule mouthd fellow,
Colo.
Foule mouth'd I will be, th'art the son of a whore,
Ha! Whore! plagues and furies Ile thrust that backe,
Or pluck thy heart out after, sonne of a whore?
Colo.
On thy life Ile proue it.
Capt.
Death I am naked,
Vncle, Ile giue you my left hand, for my sword,
To arme my right with; Oh this fire wil flame me
Into prsent ashes,
Colo.
Sir, giue vs Weapons,
We aske our owne, you will not rob vs of them?
Russ.
No sir, but still restraine your furies heere,
At my dore Ile giue you them, nor, at this time
My Nephewes, a time will better suit you,
And I must tell you sir, you haue spoke swordes,
And 'gainst the law of armes poyson'd the blades
And with them wounded the reputation
Of an vnblemisht woman: would you were out of my dores.
Colo.
Poxe on your dores, and let it run all your house ore,
Giue me my sword.
Capt.
We shall meet Colonel?
Colo.
Yes better prouided, to spur thee more,
I do repeat my words, Son of a Whore.
Exit with his friend.
Capt. fr.
Come sir, 'tis no worse then 'twas:
You can doe nothing now.
Exit Capt. and his friend.
Russ.
No, Ile bar him now, away with that begger,
Exit.
Iane.
Good sir, let this perswade you for two minutes stay,
At this prise (I know) you can wait all day.
1. Ser.
You know the Remora that stayes our ship alwaies.
Iane.
Your ship sinkes many when this hold lets goe,
Oh my Fitzallen what is to be done,
Fitz.
To be still thine is all my part to be,
Whether in freedome or captiuity,
Iane.
But art thou so ingag'd as this pretends?
Fitz.
By heau'n, sweet Iane 'tis all a hellish plot
Your cruell smiling father all this while,
Has candied o're a bitter pill for me,
Thinking by my remoue to plant some other,
And then let goe his fangs.
Plant some other?
Thou hast too firmely stampt me for thine owne,
Euer to be rast out, I am not currant
In any others hand, I feare too soone
I shall discouer it.
Fitz.
Let come the worst,
Binde but this knot with an vnloosed line,
I will be still thine owne.
Iane.
And Ile be thine.
1. Ser.
My watch has gone two minutes M.
Fitz.
It shall not be renew'd, I goe sir, farewell.
Ia.
Farewell, wee both are prison'd, though not togeither:
But heers the difference in our luckelesse chance.
I feare mine owne, wish thy deliuerance.
Fitz.
Our hearts shall hourely visit, ile send ro thee,
Exit Fitz. with Officers
Then tis no prison where the mind is free.
Enter Russell.
Russ.
So, let him goe, now wench I bring thee ioyes,
A faire sun-shine after this angry storme:
It was my pollicie to remoue this begger:
What shall rich men wed their onely daughters
To two faire suites of cloathes? and perhaps yet
The poore Taylor is vnpaid; no, no my gitle,
I haue a lad of thousands comming in;
Suppose he haue more wealth then wit to guid it:
Why, theres thy gaines, thou kep'st the keies of all
Disposest all: and for generation,
Man does most sildome stampe 'um from the braine,
Wisemen begets fooles, and fooles are the fathers
To many wise Children, Histeron, Proteron,
A great scholler may beget an Ideot,
And from the plow tayle may come a great scholler:
Nay, they are frequent propogations.
Iane.
I am not well, sir.
Russ.
Ha? not well my girle?
Thou shalt haue a Physitian then,
The best that gold can fetch vpon his footecloath,
Thou knowest my tender pitty to thee euer,
To call for, 'fore mee, and thou look'st halfe ill indeed,
But Ile bring one within a day to thee
Shall rouse thee vp: for hees come vp already,
One M. Chaugh a Cornish Gentleman:
Ha's as much land of his owne fee-simple,
As a Crow can flie ouer in halfe a day:
And now I thinke on't, at the Crow at Algate
His lodging is. He shall so stir thee vp,
Come, come, be cheard, thinke of thy preferment,
Honour and attendance, these wil bring thee health
And the way to 'um is to clime by wealth.
Exeunt.
| A Faire Quarrell | |