University of Virginia Library

Actus Quintus

Scæna prima.

Enter Phisition: Iane as a Bride.
Phis.
Will you be obstinate?

Iane.
Torment me not,
Thou lingring Executioner to death,
Greatest disease to Nature, that striu'st by Art
To make men long a dying, your practise is
Vpon mens bodyes, as men pull Roses,
For their owne relish, but to kill the flower
So you maintaine your liues by others deaths,
What eat you then by carrion?

Phis.
Fie bitternes,
Ye'ad need to candy ore your tongue a little,
Your wordes will hardly be digested els,

Iane.
You can giue your selfe a vomit to returne 'um,
If they offend your stomacke,

Phis.
Heere my vow
You are to be married to day.

Iane.
A second torment,
Worse then the first, cause vnauoydable,
I would I could as soone annihilate
My Fathers will in that as forbid thy lust.

Phis.
If you then tender an vnwilling hand,
Meet it with reuenge, marry a Cuckolde.

Iane.
If thou wilt marry me, Ile make that vow,
And giue my body for satisfaction
To him that should enioy me for his wife.

Phis.
Go to, Ile marre your marriage.

Iane.
Doe, plague me so.
Ile rather beare the brand of all thats past,
In Capitall Characters vpon my Brow,
Then thinke to be thy whore or marry him.

Phis.
I will defame thee euer.

Iane.
Spare me not.

Phis.
I will produce thy Bastard,
Bring thee to publike pennance,

Iane.
No matter, I care not,
I shall then haue a cleane sheet, Ile weare twenty
Rather then one defil'd with thee.

Phis.
Looke for Reuenge.

Iane.
Pursue it fully then, out of his hate,
I shall pursue (I hope) a loathed fate.
Exit Iane

Phis.
Am I reiected, all my baites nibled off,
And not the fish caught? Ile trouble the whole streame,
And choake it in the mudde, since hookes not take,
Ile throw in nets that shall or kill or breake.
This is the Bridegroomes man, harke sir, a word.

Enter Trimtram with Rosemarie.
Trim.
'Tis a busie day sir, nor I need no phisicke,
You see I scoure about my busines.

Phis.

Pray you a word sir, your Maister is to bee married
to day.

Trim.

Else all this Rosemaries lost.

Phis.

I would speake with your maister sir.

Trim.

My Maister sir, is to bee married this morning and
cannot be within while soone at night.

Phy.
If you will doe your maister the best seruice,
That ere you did him, if he shall not curse
Your negligence hereafter slacking it:
If he shall blesse mee for the dearest friend
That euer his acquaintance met withall,
Let me speake with him ere he goe to Church.

Trim.

A right Phisition, you would haue none goe to the
Church, nor Churchyard till you send them thither; well, if
death doe not spare you your selues, hee deales hardly with
you, for you are better benefactors and send more to him
then all diseases besides.

Chau.
within.

What Trimtram, Trimtram?

Trim.

I come sir. Harke you, you may heare him, hee's vpon
the spur and would faine mount the saddle of Matrimony,
but (if I can) Ile perswade him to come to you.

Exit Trim.

Phy.
Pray you doe sir: Ile teach all peeuish nicenes
To beware the strong aduantage of reuenge.

Enter Chaugh.
Chau.
Who's that would speake with me?

Phy.
None but a friend sir.
I would speake with you.

Chau.

Why sir, and I dare speake with any man vnder the
vniuerse, can you roare sir?

Phy.
No infaith sir.
I come to tell you mildelie for your good,
If you please to heare me: you are vpon Marriage?

Chau.
No sir, I an towards it, but not vpon it yet.

Phy.
Doe you know what you doe?

Chau.

Yes sir, I haue practis'd what to doe before now, I
would be asham'd to be married else: I haue seen a Bronstrops
in my time, and a Hippocreene, and a Tweke too.

Phy.

Take fayre heede sir, the wife that you would marry
is not fit for you.

Cha.
Why sir, haue you tried her?

Phy.
Not I beleeue it sir, but belieue with all,
Shee has beene tryed.

Chau.
VVhy sir, is she a Fructifer? or a Fucus?

Phi.
All that I speake sir, is in loue to you,

Your Bride, that may be, 'has not that portion that a Bride
should haue.

Chau.
VVhy sir? she has a thousand and a better penny.

Phy.
I doe not speake of rubish, drosse, and ore,
But the refined Mettle, Honour sir.

Chau.

VVhat she wants in honour shall be made vp in worship
sir, money will purchase both.

Phy.

To be plaine with you, she's naught.

drawes his sword
Chau.

If thou canst not roare th'art a dead man, my Bride
naught?

Phy.
Sir, I doe not feare you that way, what I speake,
My life shall mainetaine, I say shee's naught.

Chau.
Dost thou not feare me?

Phy.
Indeed I doe not sir.

Chau.

Ile neuer draw vpon the while I liue for that tricke,
put vp and speake freely.

Phy.

Your intended Bride is a whore, thats freely sir,

Chau.

Yes faith, a whor's free enough, and she hath a
conscience: is snee a whore? Foote I warrant shee has the
Poxe then?

Phy.
VVorse, the Plague, 'tis more incurable.

Chau.
A plaguie whore? a pox on her Ile none of her,

Phy.
Mine accusation shall haue firme euidence.
I will produce an vnauoided witnes,
A bastard of her bearing.

Chau,

A Bastard? 'snailes, ther's great suspition shee's a
whore then, Ile wrastle a fall with her father for putting this
tricke vpon me as I am a Gentleman.

Phy.
Good sir mistake me not, I doe not speake
To breake the contract of vnited hearts,
I will not pull that curse vpon my head,
To seperate the husband and the wife,
But this (in loue) I thought fit to reueale,
(As the due office betwixt man and man)
That you might not be ignorant of your ills,
Consider now of my premonishment,
As your selfe shall please.

Chau.

Ile burne all the Rose mary to sweeten the house, for
in my conscience tis infected: has she drunke Bastard? if she
would pisse me wine Viniger now nine times a day I'de neuer
haue her, and I thanke you too.

Enter Trimtram.
Trim.

Come, will you come away sir, they haue all Rosemary
and stay for you to lead the way.

Chau.

Ile not de married to day Trimtram, has't ere an Almanacke
about thee? this is the nintenth of August, looke
what day of the month 'tis.

Lookes in an Almanacke.
Trim.

'Tis tenty nine indeed sir.

Chau.

VVhat's the word? what sayes Bretnor?

Trim.

The word is sir, theres a hole in her coate.

Chau.

I thought so, the Physition agrees with him, Ile not
marry to day.

Trim.

I pray you sir, there will be charges for new Rosemary
else, this will be wither'd by to morrow.

Chau.

Make a Bon fire ont to sweeten Rosemary Lane prethee
Trim. entreat my father in law that might haue beene,
to come and speake with me.

Trim.

The Bride cries already and lookes tother way, and
you be so backward too, we shall haue a fine arseward wedding
on't.

Exit Trim.

Chau.

Youle stand to your words, sir?

Phis.

Ile not flye the house sir, when you haue need call
me to euidence.

Exit Phisition.

Chau.

If youle proue she has borne a Bastard, Ile stand
too't shee's a whore.

Enter Russell and Trimtram.
Russ.
Why how now sonne what causeth these delayes?
All stay for your leading.

Chau.
Came I from the mount to be confronted?

Russ.
How's that sir?

Chau.
Canst thou roare old man;

Russ.
Roare? how meane you sir?

Chau.

Why then Ile tell thee plainely thy daughter in a
Bronstrops.

Russ.

A Bronsterop? Whats that sir?

Trim.

Sir if she be so she is a Hippocrene.

Chau.

Nay worse she is a fructifer.

Trim.

Nay then she is a Fucus, a Minotaure, and a Tweke.

Russ.

Pray you speake to my vnderstanding sir,

Chau.

If thou wilt haue it in plaine termes: She is a Callicut,
and a Panagron.

Trim.

Nay then she is a Duplar and a Sindicus.

Russ.

Good sir, speake English to me.

Chau.

All this is Cornish to thee, I say thy Daughter has
drunke Bastard in her time.

Russ.

Bastard you doe not meane to make her a whore?

Chau.

Yes but I doe, if shee make a foole of me, Ile nere
make her my wife, till she haue her maidenhead agen?

Russ.

A whore? I doe defie this Callumnie.

Chau.

Dost thou? I defie thee then.

Trim.

Doe you sir then I defie thee too, fight with vs both
at once in this quarrell if thou darest.

Chau.

I could haue had a whore at Plimouth.

Trim.

I or at Perin.

Chau.

I or vnder the Mount.

Trim.

Or as you came, at Euill.

Chau.

Or at Hoc-kye hole in Somersetshire.

Trim.

Or at the hanging stones in Wiltshire.

Chau.

Or at Maidenhead in Barkshire: and did I come in
by Maidenhead to goe out by Staines? Oh that man woman
or childe, would wrastle with me for a pound of patience.

Russ.
Some thiefe has put in poyson at your eares.
To steale the good name of my child from me:
Or if it be a mallice of your owne,
Be sure I will enforce a proofe from you.

Chau.

Hees a goose and a woodcocke that sayes I will not
proue any word that I speake.

Trim.

I either goose or Woodcocke he shall sir with any
man.

Chau.
Phi-si-ti-an, Mauz auez Phisitian.

Russ.
Is he the author?

Phis.
Sir, with much sorrow for your sorrowes sake,
I must deliuer this most certaine truth,
Your daughter is an honor stayned Bride,
Indeed she is the mother to a child,
Before the lawfull wife vnto a husband.

Chau.

Law, thats worse then I told thee, I said shee had
borne a Bastard, and hee sayes she was the mother ont too.

Russ.
I'me yet an infidell against all this,
And will beleeue the Sun is made of Brasse,
The Starres of amber.

Chau.
And the moone of a holland cheese.

Russ.
Rather then this impossibility, oh, heere she comes,
Enter Iane and Anne.
Nay come daughter, stand at the barre of shame,
Either now quit thy selfe, or kill me euer:
Your marriage day is spoyld if all bee true.

Iane.
A happy misery, whose my accuser?

Phis.
I am that knowes it true I speake,

Chau.
Yes and Ime his witnes.

Trim.
And I.

Chau.
And I agen.

Trim.
And I agen too,
theres soure thats enough I hope.

Russ.
How can you witnes sir that nothing know,
But what you haue receiu'd from his report.

Chau.
Must we not beleeue our Phisitians? pray you thinke
I know as much as euery foole do's.

Trim.
Let me be Trimtram: I pray you too sir.

Iane.
Sir if this bad man haue layd a blemish
On my white name: he is a most false one,
Defaming me for the iust denyall
Of his foule lust, nay now you shall be known sir.

An.
Sir Ime his sister and do better know him,
Then all of you giue not too much beliefe
To his wilde wordes, hee's oftentimes mad sir.

Phis.
I thanke you good sister.

An.
Are you not mad to doe this Office,
Fie vppon your mallice.

Phis.
Ile presently produce both nurse and Child,
Whose very eyes shall call her mother, before it speakes.

Chau.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, by my troth Ide spend a shilling on
that condition to heare that, I thinke in my conscience I shal
take the Phisitian in a lye if the Childe call her mother before
it can speake, Ile neuer wrastle while I liue agen.

Trim.

It must be a shee child if it doe sir, and those speake
the soonest of any liuing Creatures they say.

Chau.

Baw waw, a dog will barke a Month sooner, hee's
a very puppy else.

Russ.
Come tell truth twixt our selues, heers none but friends
One spot a fathers loue will soone wipe off?
The truth and they trie my loue abundant,
Ile couer it with all the care I haue
And yet (perhaps) make vp a marriage day.

Iane.
Then its true sir, I haue Child.

Russ.
Hast thou?
Well wipe thine eyes, Ime a Grandfather then,
If all bastards were banisht, the Citty would be thinne,
In the thickest terme time, well now let me alone
Ile try my wits for thee, Richard, Francis, Andrew,
None of my knaues within?

Enter his Seruant.
Ser.
Heeres one of 'um, sir, the Guests come in apace.

Russ.

Doe they dick? let 'um haue wine and sugar, weele
befor 'um presently, but harke Dick.

Cha.

I long to heare this childe speake ifaith, Trim, I
would this foolish Phisition would come once.

Trim.

If it calls her mother, I hope it shall neuer call
you father.

Chau.

No, and it do Ile whip it ifaith, and giue thee leaue
to whip me.

Russ.
Run on thy best legges Dicke.

Seru.
Ile be heere in a twinkling sir.
Exit Ser.

Enter Phisitian, Nurse, with the childe.
Phy.
Now Gentlemen, beleeue your eyes, if not my tongue
Doe not you call this your childe?

C.

Phew, thats not the point you promis'd vs the child should
call her Mother, if it do's this month, Ile nere go to the roaring
schoole agen.

Russ.

Whose childe is this Nurse?

Nurse.

Dis Gentlemans, so he to me readen.

Poynts to the Phisitian.
Ch.

Snailes shees the Phisitians Bronstrops, Trim.

Trim.

His Fucus, his very Tweke, ifaith.

Chau.

A glister in his teeth, let him take her with a purgation
to him.

Russ.
'Tis as your sister said: you are starke mad, sir,
This much confirmes it, you haue defamed
Mine honest daughter: Ile haue you punisht fort,
Besides the ciuill pennance of your sinne,
And keeping of your bastard.

Phis.
This is fine,
All your wit and wealth must not thus carry it.

Russ.
Sir Chaugh a word with you.

Chau.

Ile not haue her ifaith, sir, if Trimtram will haue
her and he will let him.

Trim.

Who I, sir? I scorne it, if you'l haue her, Ile haue her
too, Ile doe as you doe, and no otherwise.

Russ.
I doe not meant to either, this onely, sir,
That whatsoere y'aue seene, you would be silent,
Hinder not my child of another husband,
Though you forsake her.

Chau.
Ile not speake a word, ifaith,

Russ.
As you are a gentleman.

Chau.
By these basket hilts, as I am a youth,
A gentleman a Roarer.

Russ.
Charme your man I beseech you too.

Chau.

I warrant you sir hee shall doe nothing but what I
doe before him.

Enter Seruant with Fitzallen.
Russ.
I shall most dearly thanke you, Oh are you come,
Welcome sonne in law: this was beyond your hope,
We old men haue pretty conceits sometimes,
Your Wedding daye's prepard, and this is it,
How thinke you of it?

Fitz.
As of the ioyfulst
That euer welcomd me, you shew your selfe now
A patterne to all kind fathers: my sweetest Iane,

Russ.
Your captiuity I mean't but as sauce,
Vnto your Wedding dinner, now, I'me sure
'Tis far more welcome in this short restraint
Then had it freely come:

Fitz.
A thousand fold.

Iane.
I like this well.

Chau.

I haue not the heart to see this Gentleman guld so,
I will reueale, I make it mine owne case tis a foule case.

Trim.

Remember you haue sworne by your hilts.

Chau.

Ile break my hilts rather then conceale, I haue a trick
Doe thou follow mee, I will reueale it, and yet not speake it
neither.

Trim.
'Tis my duty to follow you sir.

Chaugh
sings.
Take heed in time oh man vnto thy head,

Trim.
Sings.
All is not gold that glistereth in bed.

Russ.
Why sir? why sir?

Chau.
Looke too't I say, thy Bride's a Bronsterops,

Trim.
And knowes the thing that men weare in their slops,

Fitz.
How's this sir?

Chau.
A Hipocrene, a Tweke, for and a Fueus,

Trim.
Let not fond loue with foretops so rebuke vs.

Russ.
Good sir.

Chau.
Behold a baby of this maids begetting,

Trim.
A deed of darknes after the sun-setting.

Russ.
Your Oath sir.

Chau:
I sweare and sing thy Bride has taken Phisike,

Trim.
This was the Doctor curd her of that Ptisicke.

Chau.
If you'le beleeue me I will say no more,

Trim.
Thy Brides a Tweke as we doe say that roare.

Chau.
Beare witnes Gentlemen I haue not spoke a word,
My hilts are hole still.

Fitz.
This is a sweet Epithalamium,
Vnto the Marriage bed, a musicall
Harmonius Io: sir, yaue wrongd me,
And basely wrong'd me, was this your cunning fetch,
To Fetch me out of prison, for euer
To marry me vnto a Strumpet?

Russ.
None of those words good sir,
Tis but a fault, and tis a sweet one too,
Come sir, your meanes is short, lengthen your fortunes,
With a faire proffer: Ile put a thousand pieces
Into the scale to helpe her to weigh it vp,
Aboue the first dowrie.

Fitz.
Ha? you say, well
Shame may be bought out at a deere rate,
A thousand pieces added to her dowry.

Russ.
Theres fiue hundred of 'um to make the Bargaine,
I haue worthy guests comming and would not delude 'um,
Say: speake like a Sonne to me.

Fitz.

Your blessing sir, we are both yours, witnes Gentlemen
these must be made vp a thousand pieces, added to
a first thousand for her dowry, to father that childe.

Phis.
Oh is it out now?

Chau.
For tother thousand Ile doo't my selfe yet.

Trim.
Or I, if my Maister will.

Fitz.
The Bargaine's made, sir, I haue the tender
And possession both; and will keepe my purchase,

Chaw.

Take her eene to you with all her moueables, ile
weare my batchellors buttons still.

Trim.

So will I ifaith; they are the best flowers in any mans
garden, next to hartsease.

Fitz.
This is as welcome as the other sir,
And both as the best blisse that ere on earth,
I shall enioy, sir, this is mine owne childe,
You could not haue found out a fitter Father
Nor is it basely bred as you imagine
For we were wedded by the hand of heauen
Ere this worke was begun.

Chaw.
At Pancridge, ile lay my life on't,

Trim.
I'le lay my life on't too, twas there,

Fitz.
Some where it was, sir,

Russ.
Wa'st so ifaith sonne?

Iane.
And that I must haue reueal'd to you, sir,
Ere I had gone to Church with this faire groome,
But thanke this gentleman, he preuented me,
I am much bound vnto your mallice sir.

Phi.
I am a sham'd

Iane.
Shame to amendment then.

Russ.
Now get you together for a couple of cunning ones,
But sonne, a word, the latter thousand peeces
Is now more then bargaine.

Fitz.
No by my faith sir
Here's witnesse inough ont, must serue to pay my fees
Imprisonment is costly

Chaw.

By my troth the old man ha's gul'd himselfe, finely,
well sir, Ile bid my selfe a guest, though not a groome, Ile
dine and dance, and roare at the wedding for all this.

Trim.
So will I sir, if my Maister does,

Russ.
Well sir, you are welcome, but now, no more wordes on't,
Till we be set at dinner for there will mirth
Be the most vsefull for digestion,
See, my best guests are comming.

Enter Captaine Ager, Surgeon, Lady Ager Colonells Sister, two friends.
Cap.
Recouerd saist thou.

Surg.

May I bee excluded quite out of Surgeons hall else,
marry I must tell you the wound was faine to be twice Coroded,
'twas a plaine Gastrolophe, and a deep one, but I closed
the lips on't with Bandages and Sutteures, which is a kind
coniunction of the parts seperated against the course of nature.

Capt.

Well sir, he is well

Sur.

I feard him I assure you Captaine before the Surture
in the belly, it grew almost to a convulsion, and there was like
to be a bloody issue from the hollow vessels of the kidnyes.

giues him money.
Capt.

Theres that, to thanke thy news and thy Art together.

Sur.

And if your worship at any time stand in need of incission,
if it be your fortune to light into my hands, ile giue
you the best.

Cap.
Vncle, the noble Colonells recouerd,

Russ.
Recouered.
Then honor is not dead in all parts Cusse.

Enter Colonell with his too friends.
1.
Behold him yonder sir.

Capt:
My much vnworthinesse is now found out,
Tha'st not a face to fit it.

Colo. frie.
Sir yonders Captaine Ager.

Colo.
O Lieftenant the wrong I haue done his fame,
Puts me to silence, shame so confounds me,
That I dare not see him.

Capt:
I neuer knew how poore my deserts were,
Till he appeard; no way to giue requitall,
Here shame me lastingly; doo't with his owne,
Returne this to him, tell him I haue Riches
In that abundance in his sisters loue,
These come but to oppresse me, and confound
All my deseruings euerlastingly:
I neuer shall requite my wealth in her say,
How soone from vertue and an honord spirit,
May man receiue what he may neuer merit.

Colo.
This comes most happily, to expresse me better,
For since this will was made there fell to me
The manner of Fitz-dale, giue h'um that too,
Hee's like to haue chardge theres faire hope
Of my sisters fruitfullnesse, for me
I neuer meane to change my mistris,
And warre is able to maintaine her seruant,

1.
Read there, a faire increase sir, by my faith,
He hath sent it backe sir, with new additions.

Capt.
How miserable he makes me, this inforces me
To breake through all the passadges of shame
And headlong fall,

Colo.
Into my armes deare worthy.

Capt.
You haue a goodnesse
Has put me past my answers, you may speake,
what you please now; I must be silent euer,

Colo.
This day has showen me ioyes vnualeu'd treasure,
I would not change this brotherhood with a monarch,
Into which blest aliance sacred heauen
Ha's plac't my kinsman, and giuen him his ends
Faire be that Quartell makes such happy friends.

Exeunt Omnes.