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The press, or literary chit-chat

A Satire [by J. H. Reynolds]

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v

“The cry is up, and scribblers are my game.”
Byron.


1

THE PRESS.

A SATIRE.

I. PART I.


3

Byron saith “critics all are ready made,”

Vide, English Bards and Scotch Reviewers, line 46.


Therefore, though quite a novice at the trade,
I'll write a book:—ye gods, vouchsafe success!
My aim is—profit, and my theme—the Press!
The Press, that engine of the little great
To puff a quack, or overturn a state;
That mighty and magnificent machine,
At once the mouthpiece of applause and spleen.
Mine is a task so bold I almost fear
To venture onward in my mad career;

4

But I've begun, and with no timid pen
I'll even beard the critic in his den.
Scatheless I hope not from the fight to come,
Yet, though my friends advise me to be dumb,
My self-will'd pen will suffer no control—
So let the critic's harshest thunders roll,
I'll bear the brunt, and, if o'ercome, my fall
May wisdom teach not thus again to scrawl.
A century or two ago, when books
Were few and far between, like tender looks
From husbands to their wives, or, rarer far,
Scarce as conviction from a wordy war,
My thankless task had easy been; but now,
When tomes are marching hourly from “the Row,”
Ranged rank and file in strong array to meet
Levies from Albemarle or Conduit-street,
My Muse entangled midst the jostling throng
Knows not which first to honour with her song;
At last, like many a wiser head, she cries,
“Be chance my guide,” and then amuck she flies.

5

But first, in duty bound, I'll supplicate
A deadly tincture cull'd from Byron's hate,
A trifling touch of Jeffrey's northern bile,
From Lady Morgan an Athenian smile,
Then mix the three with Hazlitt's impudence,
And let who will proclaim my want of sense!
From Byron hate—what of? of all mankind;
Jaundice from Jeffrey right and wrong to blind;
Smiles, soft as Ida's, melting hearts to lure,
And self-conceit—with these success is sure:
Advance, dear Muse, nor stay another line,
The task be your's, ma'am, and the profit mine.
'Tis sweet at times, when summer's zephyr stirs
With whispers shrill the leaves of Scotia's firs,
To wander musing down some lonely glen
Far from the haunts of women and of men,
To mark the woodbine round the elm-tree creep,
Or view the moon upon the lochan sleep;

Lochan, the diminutive of Loch, a lake.


But, when stern winter with astounding howls
Like midnight caitiff round your dwelling prowls,

6

And the closed curtain trembles at his voice,
More narrow confines are the general choice.
The region of the hearth, which Cowper sung,
Is render'd vocal by the human tongue,
Gibes and retorts fly round, with playful chat,
Perhaps tea, coffee, muffins, and all that.
Fancy a room to lay before your eyes,
Not large, nor small, but of “a certain size,”

Vide, Byron's Beppo.


Fire, candles, curtains drawn, and two or three
Persons of common aspect taking tea;
Scout not the scene as neither rare nor grand,
Hear their discourse, and hearing understand.
HOCUS.
—A truce, friend Pocus, to thy sneers at Scott,
Let him enjoy in peace his happy lot,
Acting the part of marechal-volunteer,
When British kings would taste of Scottish cheer,

Many persons have sneered at the conduct of the worthy Baronet, on the occasion of the king's late Scottish excursion, as being too officious. Sir Alexander Keith certainly has some reason to be obliged to him for relieving him of a portion of his official duty as knight-marechal.


Planting his larches on Tweed's past'ral shore,
Or pilfering lintels from one ruin more,

Abbotsford, the country residence of Sir W. Scott, is situated on the banks of the Tweed, a few miles above Melrose, and exhibits a curious mélange of Gothic architecture—monastic, castellated, and domestic. Whether the thefts supposed in the text have been actually committed, I will not avouch, but certainly the idea irresistibly struck me on beholding the building. The robbery may possibly have the same excuse as Lord Elgin's Grecian depredations, viz. that of its being the means of rescuing a portion of the remains of antiquity from utter destruction—as it is unnecessary to observe that the ruins of Scotland and England, as well as those of Turkey, have always been considered fair game; and whilst a Turkish builder makes lime of the marble taken from the one, the British peasantry scruple not to erect their fences by means of stones purloined from the other.

Abbotsford is a pretty name; certainly much superior to the one originally possessed by its scite of—chuckle, oh! ye preferers of the “sweet south” to

“our northern guttural,
Which we're obliged to hiss and spit and sputter all”—
credit it, ye admirers of antiquity—of Clartyhole! Clarty is Scotch for dirty—and the owner probably having had hopes of being made one of the Scottish judges (who in the sister kingdom are called after the name of their residences) thought proper to change it—doubtless not considering Lord Dirty-hole a sufficiently dignified appellation.



7

To deck his Abbotsford: what though his play
Scarce was the town-talk for a short-lived day—

Halidon Hill, though pretty in parts, is far below the fame of Sir Walter Scott. It wants substance.


(Sad falling-off from happier times of eld
When the Last Lay or Marmion we beheld!)
Yet still his novels—

POCUS.
His perhaps they be,
But why thus clothe them all in mystery?

HOCUS.
I'm not behind the scenes, or I might tell
Of other reasons; 'tis to make them sell;
The mystic halo that around them floats
Enters the pockets of ten thousand coats,
Thick tomes are written on th' important theme;

Some person—a gentleman and a scholar into the bargain— has actually addressed a volume of letters to Mr. Heber, the lately elected member for the University of Oxford, for the purpose of proving Waverley and its followers to be by the same author as Marmion, &c. How this must amuse the real author!


And some one chuckles at the happy scheme.

POCUS.
'Tis not the first—for instance, Junius once
Addled the brains of many a learned dunce.
Think you his Letters have not gain'd a share
Of fame, because their author is but air?

8

Francis and Wilmot—

JOCUS.
Ay, the fair Olive

Olivia Wilmot, alias Serres, alias the Princess of Cumberland, alias whatever-she-pleases, wrote a book to prove Dr. Wilmot (who is or is not her father) to be the author of Junius. I never read it, nor do I intend to do so, as too much appears to have been said on such a subject. I beg leave, however, most respectfully to recommend it to the attention of Mr. J. W. Parkins, ci-devant (or to use Mr. Alderman Wood's gallicism), feu-sheriff of London, once a patron of the princess, but now, alas! ungallant enough to pronounce her a deceiver.


Hath conn'd but ill her lesson to deceive.

HOCUS.
As men will argue on a hair, each tongue
With doubts and answers to them quickly rung,
Then to contend with others in dispute
Each bought the book unwilling to be mute.
This he yclept the “great unknown” perceived,

This is the age of slang. We have slang-legal—slang-medical—slang-theological, of which more anon—slang-vital, by which I mean the jargon of “the Fancy,” or those enjoying “Life in London;”—slang-mercantile, in which a correspondent will acknowledge the receipt of your esteemed favour with one hand, and instruct his attorney to arrest you with the other—and, though last not least, slang-literary, of which the term in the text is by no means a bad specimen. For other instances of slang-literary. I refer my reader to any review or magazine that happens to be within his reach.


The trick was tried, and wonders hath achieved.
Besides, he's Scotch, and well each northern chield
Knows how to bear a brother through the field.
Though 'mongst themselves they wrangle, yet, to us,
When their worst witling writes, they make a fuss,
The magic name of countryman at once
Transforms into a wit the happy dunce.
Yet Scott hath merit that should make him shun
Laurels by such low, cunning conduct won.


9

JOCUS.
Why who can blame him? if men will be tools,
Let whoso can make money of the fools!

HOCUS.
Cornwall, too, tried this plan, but gave it up
And quaff'd but shallow draughts from Myst'ry's cup.

POCUS.
Mirandola, the meteor of a night,

I would not wish to be thought severe on Mirandola, but it hath not poetry enough for the closet, nor action sufficient to render it a favourite on the stage.


Appear'd, and then sunk far from human sight.

JOCUS.
Green-room eclât, and neighbours' friendly smile
Lured the attorney from his musty toil;
“Let me,” he cried, “forsake my briefs and writs,
And drink th' applauses of my fellow cits;
Now I may stray down Chancery-lane unseen,
But then how noble will become my mien!
As past the Six-clerks' Office I shall stride,
Faces well-known will throng the other side;

One person, at least, will understand this line.



10

Smiles, like a counsel's when he gains a cause,
Will mingle with the accents of applause;
Clerks from each office, articled or not,
Will, staring, envy me my glorious lot.
No surly doorkeeper will bid me pay
My silver fee when I would see the play,
But with an easy air, as quite at home,
I'll dare the boxes, pit, or e'en green-room!”

HOCUS.
Quiz not poor Proctor, for I much admire
His first production;—true, it hath not fire,

The first time that I read Barry Cornwall's Dramatic Scenes, appears like a delicious day-dream; one of those rosy moments which we occasionally enjoy amidst the thorny paths of life. Their author has certainly deteriorated since their publication. His Poems do not deserve to be mentioned in the same breath, nor is it easy for me to conceive them the offspring of the same mind.


But then around it such a luscious air
Of tender feeling ever hovers near,
That I had hoped for much in future tomes
To mend the manners of the drama's domes.

POCUS.
False hope, alas! Mirandola appear'd
And, though each friendly critic loudly cheer'd,
A few short hours, and his became the doom
Of consignation to the Cap'lets' tomb.


11

JOCUS.
The stage, alas! is now consign'd by all
To shows that predicate its utter fall.
To-day some pageant where the tailor's skill
Vies with the scenepainter's the breast to thrill;
To-morrow pantomimes, where oft-tried tricks
Strive the attention of the house to fix.
Perhaps some spurious farce attains a name,
And authors' puffing friends pronounce it fame—
A farce where jokes grown stale, and grim grimace
Of wit and humour occupy the place;
Or haply some gaunt drama drawls along

What are called Musical Dramas appear now the chief favourites with an English audience. The music in most of them is the only bearable part.


Its tedious length by dint of many a song.
Why write not poets plays—the first we have,
Witness full many a well-concocted stave?

HOCUS.
The others also. Milman stalks to view,
Surely some honour to his muse is due?

POCUS.
Granted—yet his is not the strain we want,
Too much between an epic and a chant;

12

With step so measured he proceeds along

Milman can write with feeling—for instance, read one or two passages in his Martyr of Antioch, and one, nearly at the commencement of his Jerusalem; but the gener ality of his productions partake too much of the stiffness of Grecian and French tragedy, without the excellencies of either.


That tedious seems his never-changing song.
Though void of rule his dramas, yet all rules
That e'er were manufactured in the schools
Appear his pawing Pegasus to rein,
Who longs to gambol in a bolder strain.

JOCUS.
If Drury's, or its neighb'ring pile were full
Of learned dunces, critical and dull,
Then he might hope success; but now, I fear,
In vain he'd strive t'invoke a single tear.

HOCUS.
Besides, it strikes me that the playwright's trade
Is apt the priest's profession to degrade;
Not that I'm strict in such things, but, alas!
These are not times to mingle with the mass
Those who are separated from it—no,
Let priests with passion make their sermons glow.

Let it not be supposed that I would have a clergyman damned for writing a play or a novel. Such a notion might pass in the days of Home, but in the nineteenth century is certainly out of date. What I would insinuate is, that I should be sorry to see our clergy generally devoting their time to such productions, and that, inasmuch as they did so, they should never lose sight of the sacred duties of their profession. See the next note.



POCUS.
Yet Maturin writes?


13

HOCUS.
He does, and ably too;
Bertram still rears his head above the crew
Of crude abortions which the stage hath bred,
Creatures no sooner born than they are dead;
Though in some parts bombastic he may seem,
Yet others amply do the fault redeem.

JOCUS.
What think you of his novels?

HOCUS.
Here, indeed,
I cannot quite so much applause concede.
His Woman is improbable and wild,
His Melmoth of a madman's brain the child,
Pity necessity should thus compel
A man of God to publish thoughts from Hell!

In the preface to his Melmoth, Maturin laments that he is obliged to gain that by novel-writing which his profession denies to him. It is certainly to be regretted that a man of his abilities, and, as I have every reason to believe, unim-peachable private character, should remain at the bottom of his profession—but let me ask him, is his publishing the blasphemous thoughts of a demoniacal madman, like “the Wanderer,” likely to improve his clerical prospects?



POCUS.
Compel, indeed! what damning reason ought
To have such power when with such danger fraught?


14

HOCUS.
Not one; but such the temper of the day,
These are the sort of books most apt to pay.
The ear of public feeling hath become
So dull, that he who shrieks not is thought dumb;

Novelty, novelty, novelty, is the cry of the day. The prevailing epidemic is a most ravenous cacoethes after whatever is strange or outrée. Byron is head caterer-general.


Out-Herod Herod is the general cry—
Methinks that many now to do this try.
There's Lady—I forget her name—who wrote
Glenarvon—

Lady C. Lambe has lately, by her “Graham Hamilton,” somewhat relieved the world of the apprehensions for her sanity, excited by her former novel.



POCUS.
(That book held its antidote.
Though 'twas a tender tale, yet 'twas so wild,
Where was the brain that could be so beguiled?)

HOCUS.
And many more, Godwin and Byron both
Deal out excitement with a hand not loth.

JOCUS.
First of the former: there in Godwin's works
Is something to draw feeling out of Turks;
Their tendency, alas! I cannot praise,
'Tis to teach man to curse his lengthen'd days.

Godwin is a complete veteran in literary annals. His Caleb Williams appears like an old friend, and recalls a thousand thoughts to the imagination; and his St. Leon—who can read it unmoved? His last production of the novel species, Mandeville, is an able description of the disorder of a diseased mind. But who is there that does not regret that powers of such first-rate order should be devoted to such worse than unprofitable subjects?



15

Byron demands a longer notice—

So much has been written and said about Byron, that I shall not enlarge upon my text, farther than by saying, that, if he continue to inundate us with his mysteries, and heavy tragedies, it will require something even beyond the name of Byron to enable him to maintain his place in the scale of public opinion.



HOCUS.
Yes, my friend,
When he is named, what thoughts within me blend!
Of passion plighted, and of vows forgot,
Of all the mis'ries of the exile's lot,
Of friends forsaken, woo'd again, and next
Extracts from Barrow and Boccaccio mixt!
His Juan is the index of his mind,
There all its contradicting parts we find,
Now he will rave of love, devotion, woe,—
In the next line a sneer on each bestow.

POCUS.
Such is the man, and, with a fiend-like clasp,
Methinks he hath the world within his grasp,
The bas-bleu world, I mean, those knowing wights
Who half adore whatever Byron writes,
Rapt unto blindness by his dazzling spell—

JOCUS.
Query—Where does this magic influence dwell?


16

POCUS.
Partly, because the vain and wayward Childe
Unbar'd before the world his passions wild,
The deep recesses of his breast exposed,
And all his follies, griefs, and fears disclosed;
He made himself the hero of his song,
The novel plan transfix'd the list'ning throng,
Soon he became the common topic—then,
Who could neglect the offspring of his pen?—

JOCUS.
This was the plan Rousseau pursued to lure
The Gauls t' enlist beneath his flag impure.—

HOCUS.
Byron, too, warbles in a strain above
Each common songster in th' Aonian grove;
A fearlessness—a species of delight
Against each old opinion to wage fight—
First he half-makes us think as he does; next
With some strange paradox we are perplex'd,

17

At length we throw aside the book, and cry,
A riddle both the bard and poetry.

JOCUS.
How he lash'd Jeffrey!

HOCUS.
Yes! and others, too,
As well as him of “saffron and of blue.”

JOCUS.
Methinks, when Jeffrey read the twinging book,

Craigcrook is the name of Mr. Jeffries' country-house a few miles from Edinburgh. It is a picturesque old building, finely sheltered by thriving plantations, not far from the range of Pentland Hills; though I believe those forming a part of the domain are called the Costorphine.


How he would frown upon thy walls, Craigcrook!
The neighb'ring woods would darker grow the while,
And Fortha's glitt'ring bosom cease to smile.

HOCUS.
Alas, for Jeffrey! he so idle grows,
Courting on Pentland's braes demure repose,
That the Review, to other hands consign'd,
No longer owns the chieftain's mightier mind.

POCUS.
Who fill his place?


18

HOCUS.
Men of little note,
With just enough of learning to misquote;
Men with whom sophistry may pass for sense,
Bless'd with no scanty lot of impudence.
Horner no longer charms us with a store

The late Mr. Horner, M. P. for Saint Mawes, was a considerable contributor to the Edinburgh Review in its better days. He died at Pisa in Tuscany, and is, I believe, buried there.


Of classic sweets cull'd from a Roman shore,
But there his bones revolving years consume,
Whilst rapt admirers linger near his tomb:
Hazlitt now fills the void.

JOCUS.
Oh, jaunty wight,
Shining in aught that thou essay'st to write,
Mighty and wonderful thy name shall be
From Chelsea Reach unto the river Lea!
Oft in one man we've seen one virtue shine,
In thee, great Hazlitt, what a host combine:

Mr. H. is undoubtedly possessed of considerable talents, and can write in a lively, amusing style.—An additional recommendation—where his jokes fail to excite a laugh, his self-conceit is sure to elicit a smile.


At once wit, critic, painter, politician,
And, eke, a moralist and rhetorician!

19

Lord of the happy limits of Cockaign,
With lengthen'd empire o'er thy subjects reign;
May thy deep Essays teach them how to live,
Thy wit delight to all their moments give;
Long may'st thou strut along th' admiring street,
Receiving homage from each cit you meet!

POCUS.
You would not have him take the throne of Leigh,
That would be worse, my friend, than treachery—

JOCUS.
Ah! I forgot the true legitimate
King of the cockneys' literary state;
Yet as a viceroy Hazlitt still may reign
Whilst the chief monarch dares the raging main.

Leigh Hunt has been voted by common consent chief of a knot of author's christened in Blackwood's Magazine, the Cockney School. We are threatened with a periodical miscellany from the pens of Hunt and Byron, in which the prematurely cut off Shelley was to have taken a part. The morality of Childe Harold, and the politics of the Examiner will be well met.



HOCUS.
When is the offspring of his royal tour
Its triple sweets upon our coast to pour?

POCUS.
One of the trio is no more: of him
Let silence be the fittest requiem;

20

And when the others send the promised treat,
Doubtless as profitable as discreet,
Is hard to tell—I doubt if either can
Say when mature will prove the vaunted plan.

Since the text was written, “the Liberal” has made its appearance. I will not say that “the Licentious” would be a more appropriate title, but cannot help thinking there is yet principle and good sense enough left in England for that to be the general opinion. In point of literary merit the number that has been published is greatly below mediocrity, and, unless the succeeding ones improve, it will most probably die a natural death. If to endeavour to bring into contempt all institutions, sacred and political, be wise; if to abuse the living and vilify the dead, be liberal; if to swear at revelation, and make a jest of religion be judicious, I shall admire the work; but till this be the case, I shall not hesitate to pronounce it a production as impious and disgraceful in its principles, as it is contemptible in a literary point of view.



HOCUS.
Harold and Rimini, a noble pair,
Will not the first time meet in union there;
The Dedication—

JOCUS.
Ah! the poignant page
To mark the “fellow-feeling” of the age!

Vide the egotistical dedication of Hunt's Rimini to Lord Byron. “Foliage” is the affected title of a volume of poems by the former.


Peeping through “Foliage” new Don Juans may,
Haply conceal'd, their modest gambols play;
Whilst Manfreds with Leanders boldly stalk
Or Heros with Gulnares together walk.
Thrice happy book to make the nations free,
And teach benighted Englishmen to see!

POCUS.
Who'll usher forth the numbers—Murray fears
To draw a hurley-burley round his ears?


21

JOCUS.
From the pure purlieus of famed Catherine-street

The Examiner Office is in Catherine-street; and so are sundry and divers of those houses of a certain description, generally found in the vicinity of a theatre, and not the least in that of Drury Lane.


Perchance may issue the expected treat.

HOCUS.
Fit soil for such a plant—oh! may it ne'er
Inhale the breezes of a purer air!
Whilst the Examiner deplores its price
Reduced, not par necessité, but choice;
The magic essays shall the press revive,
And teach the brothers how in wealth to live.
A glorious couple, hand in hand they'll start,
This to convince the head, that sap the heart;
Gaunt Twop'nny's ashes phœnix-like will rise

Who will not recognise under this title the weekly miscellany entitled the Indicator, now, alas! defunct? It was certainly an unique production, and contained a convenient code of morality. The expression “boy Johnnys” may possibly remind the reader of a sublime poem of Mr. Leigh Hunt's addressed to his son, and commencing somewhat in the following strain:—

Hey ninny nonney,
My boy Johnny.
and that of “bas-bleu washerwomen,” of a learned essay on that useful class of womankind, by Hunt or Hazlitt, which appeared in that delectable collection yclept “The Round Table,”—not of King Arthur, but of King Leigh.


By the “great union's” aid to mortal eyes;
Boy Johnnys yet unborn will own its sway,
And bas-bleu washerwomen bless the day!

POCUS.
Oh! for a blast to sink the noxious freight,
And crush the viper ere it meet our sight!


22

HOCUS.
Enough! my friend; suppose we turn to books
Worthy, perchance, of more approving looks?

POCUS.
With all my heart, friend Hocus, I had much
Rather avoid obnoxious tomes to touch,
But he, who, pluckless, hesitates to blame,
Applauses—or, at least, th' effect's the same.

HOCUS.
Lo! from a trans-atlantic realm approach
Two bulky bales—their hidden stores we'll broach.
Ah! these are Sketches fit for British use,

The “Sketch-book” of Geoffrey Crayon is undoubtedly one of the best works of a light nature that the press has produced for some years; and its successor, “Bracebridge Hall,” is heir to many of its merits.


Though from a clime and press far less profuse;
True English sentiments pervade each page:
Not those now crawling o'er our tainted age,
But such as ruled old England in her prime,
In the old-fashion'd and “good olden time.”

POCUS.
Welcome the strangers to a British shore,
And of such cargoes let us hope for more!


23

HOCUS.
Now on the feet of Fancy let us stroll
To where the torrents of the mountain roll.
Lo! to our eyes what lovely scenes appear,
The rocky valley and the lonely mere,
The copse-girt meadow and the woody scaur,
Whilst snow-capt mountains rear their heads afar.

JOCUS.
This is a land of poesy and song,
Proclaim the bards to whom these vales belong.

HOCUS.
Not few or nameless are they. View yon rock
Seeming the relic of chaotic shock,
Though now with verdure clad, so strangely wild
Crag above crag, and peak o'er peak is piled;
Beneath it gurgling rills now court the view,
Then hide themselves 'midst flowers of ev'ry hue.

POCUS.
Ah! 'tis a scene a poet to delight,
And make him tuneful of his stars in spite!


24

HOCUS.
In yonder modest mansion Wordsworth dwells
Framing fresh Waggoners and Peter Bells;
Wordsworth, at once philosopher and child,
The sport of every thought however wild.
Behold in yon secluded hazel'd glen
A wight who stops, proceeds, then stops again;
Approach—a moss obtains his musing care,
Anon, his fancy mounts into the air,
And in a boat, in lieu of Pegasus,

Wordsworth's “little boat” must be fresh in the recollection of all who have read his “Peter Bell.” The exultation he expresses on acquiring it is truly worthy of the subject.

“And now I have a little boat!”


He takes a voyage, far and perilous,
From sphere to sphere—now like a shooting star
He falls to earth from out his fragile car,
And with yon blue-eye'd babe, that idly strays
Searching for gaudy flowers, the poet plays.

JOCUS.
Such is the man, and such the author too,
Yet oft he painteth with a pen so true
That Mem'ry starteth as she views, the while,
And deems that scenes of former pleasures smile.


25

HOCUS.
A few short miles, and, under Skiddaw's brow,
Where Derwent's fairy mirror floats below
Midst shelt'ring bowers, enlaurell'd Southey's home
Uprears to view its hospitable dome.
Far from the jar of courts he whiles the time
With hist'ry's treasures, or the sweets of rhyme.

JOCUS.
Oh! that his Vision had not met the eyes
Of those who study but to criticise!

POCUS.
Yes, 'tis a foolish thing, unfit to tread
The path that Madoc or stern Rod'rick led.
His Laureate Odes too—

JOCUS.
Are but mawkish trash,
To publish them was impudent and rash.

POCUS.
He can write ably, both in prose and verse,
The latter tuneful, and the former terse.
Like you his Life of Wesley?


26

HOCUS.
No, not much,
'Tis not a fitting theme for him to touch;
A compilation crude he hath but made,
Too like the common garbage of “the trade.”
Southey should stick to Spain; he's there au fait,
And with auspicious guidance makes his way.

JOCUS.
Either too fond of writing, or of pelf,
He volumes writes unworthy of himself;
His rivals chuckle, and his foemen laugh,
Hoping his grain will soon be hid by chaff.

POCUS.
Admire you Christabelle—the Christabelle?

Coleridge's Christabelle is—what I am unable to describe. Well does it deserve the definite article bestowed upon it by its author, as it certainly is an unique production, unlike any thing “in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or in the waters under the earth.” The following lines will be understood by those who have perused it, and the “curiosities” at the end of it.



HOCUS.
Not in the least; it is a driv'lling tale
Without a line of beauty to atone
For crowing cocks, or mastiff bitches' moan;
'Tis arrant nonsense—so are both the scraps
Tack'd at the end, purloin'd from broken naps.

27

Who would imagine that the self-same wight
Remorse as well as Christabelle could write?

JOCUS.
“'Tis strange, 'tis passing strange—”

POCUS.
His Mariner
Is what can never from the mem'ry stir;
Though wild beyond compare, it somehow tells,
And to admire each wond'ring mind compels.

JOCUS.
In every work they write, how odd it is
These Lakish poets seem to woo the quiz!

POCUS.
Such is the case; their imitators too
Always hang out this sign to catch the view.
Thus Lloyd is smitten with the same disease,

Let it not be supposed that I have a mean opinion of Mr. Lloyd's genius, or the offspring of his muse; it is his mannerism to which I object. His translation of Alfieri is certainly one of the best translations into our own or any other language.


Hoping by quaintnesses the world to please.

HOCUS.
He shines most in translation—


28

POCUS.
Also Lambe,

Lambe is also a pleasing writer, but egregiously affected. His “Mr. H.” possesses excellencies as a farce, that induce me to wish its author would devote himself to such a species of writing, instead of mawkish tales, or such vapid and thoroughly ridiculous articles as most of those “Elia” writes in the London Magazine.


Whom Covent Garden once contrived to damn.

HOCUS.
His Farce you mean: 'tis better than the mass
Of flitting dramas that before us pass.
His tales are so affected in their style
That oft, in lieu of tears, they cause a smile.
Wilson, though freer from the Lakish cant,

Wilson's muse is agreeable, but not of the first order. Let us hope that in his future productions he will be less profuse of vulgar oaths, than in his “City of the Plague.”


Is still a little Lakish in his chant.
His City of the Plague is but De Foe
Deprived in part of his too ardent glow.

POCUS.
How like you Croly?

HOCUS.
He is much too fine,
And far too gorgeous in his lavish line;
His beauties are o'erwrought, and sober sense
Sinks 'neath a cloud of epithets so dense;

29

His Paris least, of all his works, abounds
In this unmeaning march of empty sounds.

JOCUS.
A truce to converse.—What rich measures greet
Our raptured ears so musically sweet?
With art insidious through our veins they steal,
And beating pulses all their influence feel;
Brows flush'd with passion; frequent deep-drawn sighs,
Ecstatic lustre in the melting eyes,
Proclaim the tenor of the dang'rous lay,
And Prudence cries, Forbear the strain to play.

HOCUS.
This oft hath Prudence cried when tomes of Moore
Have sought our clime from Erin's em'rald shore,
But cried in vain—the bard still fondly woos
A loosely-girdled and immodest muse,
Yet woos so sweetly, that we almost deem
The verse atones for the too dang'rous theme.

30

Cease favour'd Child of Song, while yet 'tis time,
Tinge with less rosy hues thy luscious rhime;
Youth needs no lay like thine to warm his soul,
But more demands chill caution, and control.
Music and poetry like thine pervade
Too oft the bosom of the blooming maid,
Rapt by the themes, insidious tempters gain
What else they might have sought, but sought in vain.
As round the coiling reptile of the west
A fascinating vapour seems to rest

The anecdotes of the powers of fascination possessed by many of the serpent tribe, are too incredibly authenticated to be doubted.


Lulling his victim to an early tomb—
Thus treach'rous flowers around Moore's verses bloom;
Dreams, ah! too pleasing creep upon the sense
Till waking thought deplores lost innocence.

POCUS.
Oh! that his lays like Campbell's shone serene,
Whose muse is lovely and of modest mien!

31

When o'er his strain my musing fancy hangs,
Hope sweetly soothes the wounds of Sorrow's fangs,
Virtue and Innocence, oh, lovely pair!
Seem like twin spirits hov'ring in the air,
Each thought of present sorrow flies away
As Hope proclaims a brighter, future day.

JOCUS.
Campbell, devoted to his Magazine,
Produces verses few and far between;
Alas! that genius such as his should waste
Its strength and sweetness where 'tis so misplaced!
He ought to leave the Monthly to a mind
Somewhat more versatile, and less refined:
The work would renovate, and we again
Might hear at least one sweet and blameless strain,
Such as were sung of pale O'Connor's child,
Or Gertrude, as her native forests wild.

HOCUS.
Behold two bards in garb and gait antique
Strike the loud chords with fingers far from weak;

32

Barton and Wiffen. In this rhiming age

Wiffen's “Aonian Hours” is a pleasing imitation of the milder parts of “Childe Harolde's Pilgrimage.” Some of the odes of Bernard Barton (one “To the Gallic Eagle,” in particular) are worthy of being mentioned along with those of the authors I have named, and this is no mean praise.


E'en solemn Quakers dare the elder's rage;
The accents of the lyre have gain'd at last
The shade repulsive of their beavers vast.
Wiffen, though imitator, sweetly sings,
And beauties fresh o'er Ampthil's forests flings;
Barton hath struck a more aspiring lyre,
And woos at once Moore's softness and Gray's fire;
May they in part unstarch those solemn sons
Who seem constructed like automatons!

JOCUS.
The wish I second: though I much commend
The calculating coldness of a friend,

The primitive air, and what I can call by no milder name than apparent total absorption of the warmer feelings of the heart, visible in most Quakers, have often struck me as matters of surprise; more especially as I have not unseldom found the direct opposite of the last quality in the female part of their community, under whose modest garb often beats a heart alive to every tender sensation, softened down by a mildness of behaviour irresistibly attractive.


Yet I confess his vest and air uncouth
Too much excite the smiles and jeers of youth.

POCUS.
Cease your discourse, my friends; I hear a strain
Of mingled clamor echoing o'er the plain.
Hark to the Babel! let us mark the throng
As jostling, squabbling, they proceed along.
Who be they?


33

JOCUS.
Know you not the mighty clan?
In garb of brown great Gifford leads the van;
Four times a year he sends his great guns forth,
To meet the cannons of the colder north.

POCUS.
Now I divine your meaning: come, relate
Your thoughts of these great guardians of the state.

JOCUS.
Too arduous task; they hardly know their own,
And alter oft at quarter-day their tone.

POCUS.
We faults will pardon—

JOCUS.
Well then, I'll essay
To tell a scene I saw the other day.
'Twas eve, and, whether sleeping or awake,
I know not; but I chanced a stroll to take
Across an ample plain of verdant sward,
Doubtless on purpose for some fight prepared,

34

Nor long I wander'd, ere before me sprung
Hosts such as Homer or as Tasso sung,
Mighty and numerous,—oh! Muse, be kind,
And with fit energy inspire my mind!
Two rival armies fought beneath my sight,
And I, methought, was umpire of the fight;
An inch and quarter taller than I'm wont
To stand, I stood before the embattled front.
Stern Gifford was field-marshal on one side,

The Quarterly and Edinburgh Reviews may be considered respectively as at the head of the ministerial and opposition sides of the periodical press.


And well his pen in place of spear he plied.
A numerous host in solemn brown array'd,
His body-guard, their ink-fill'd pens display'd;
Though strong in limb, and form'd for stubborn blows,
In active speed they yielded to their foes,
A brawny clan who wore loose kilts of blue,
Which saffron limbs beneath exposed to view:
These were good skirmishers, though oft they bled,
Too forward by their daring chieftain led,
A man of slender stature, yet whose eye
Spoke him fit ruler of the company.

35

Leagued with the Browns, an heterogeneous rank
Of merry Scots composed the dexter flank;

Blackwood's Magazine has effected quite a revolution in the stile of our magazines, inasmuch as it has engrafted the chit-chat familiarity of our older English essayists on the grave stock of magazines in general. It is to be regretted that its conductors sometimes value their joke more than their friend, and too often suffer their pages to be polluted by articles more fit for Billingsgate than Parnassus.


A hardy crew, who ofttimes, as in sport,
Lash'd their own party as they fearless fought;
Their ruler held an eb'ny wand aloft,
Though at this badge his followers frequent scoff'd,
Yet, if a foe the truncheon dared to touch,
Soon they compell'd him 'neath their feet to crouch.

POCUS.
Who were opposed to these?

JOCUS.
A blundering band,

Constable's Magazine is a sort of preparatory school for the writers in the Edinburgh Review. It is a harmless work, tinged pretty deeply with the œrugo of the old Scot's Magazine: in short, an excellent soporific.


Led by a Constable, so spoke his wand;
In olive dress'd, they fought beside the Blues,
And much their blunders did my mind amuse;
Half of their weapons were consumed with rust,
And soon as brandish'd crumbled into dust.
Gifford was flank'd upon the left by one

It is to be regretted that Campbell devotes himself to a task for which he is evidently but indifferently qualified— that of editor of a magazine. The politics of the New Monthly Magazine can hardly be said to wear a decided tone, and hence the remarks in the text.


Who knew full well to wake the trumpet's tone;

36

When he blew forth the proud heroic swell,
The charging hosts obey'd the summons well;
Anon he changed his note, and sprung a blast
That made the eyes of each towards home be cast:
Then, with a master's skill, he turn'd the tone,
And sighs o'er absent joys no more were thrown,
But Hope a splendid pageant held afar
Fraught with the warrior's pleasures after war.

POCUS.
How did he fight?

JOCUS.
But ill, for, wanting brass,
Inferior penmen did him much surpass;
Besides, his followers were badly train'd,
And ofttimes tim'rous in the rear remain'd;
Some were but lukewarm in the cause, a few
Doff'd the brown garb, and put on kilts of blue.
The Blues had one ally, a band who fought
Much as a tribe of madmen would, I thought;

37

A kind of half Don Quixote, half Tom Paine,

Sir Richard Phillips is certainly a bold man in literary warfare, aad puffs himself and his publications in a stilc worthy of Mr. Bish, or Messrs. Day aad Martin. It is, perhaps, not generally known that he is endeavouring to promulgate a system of the universe, by which Sir Isaac Newton is proved—a dunce, and Sir Richard Phillips—a philosopher!


With hardy valour led the curious train;
The spurs of gold proclaim'd he had been dubbed,
And thus he spoke,—“My friends, we here are clubbed
To drive the common foe from Reason's field,
Therefore let each a willing weapon wield;
Away with rule—restraint was ne'er design'd
To curb the energies of Nature's mind.
Man is a being form'd alone to judge;
Notions of right and wrong are nought but fudge;
Though I'm your leader, yet I lead you not,
Therefore each troop may choose its rallying spot;
I spurn all rules by our forefathers made,
For rules do nought but man and beast degrade!”
Ah, luckless speech! his steed, a free born horse,
Heard and approved the noble-toned discourse,
Threw the bold knight in air with sturdy kick,
Whilst e'en his friends rejoiced to see the trick;

38

Then to the foes, ah! shameless, turn'd its tail,
And, snorting, snuff'd the carrion-tainted gale!
Meanwhile the rival combatants advanced,
Flags waved, pens lapp'd the ink, and chargers pranced.
Against the hosts of Gifford first came on
A tribe of cockneys, led, I thought, by one

The London Magazine is a most unequal work, containing a few pieces of real excellence amidst the vilest trash, insomuch that I am induced to presume the selection of articles from the contributors' box is left to the printer's devil, or the under-porter of Messrs. Hessey and Taylor. It is reported, (for I am not behind the curtain), that Barry Cornwall has a share in its editorship, or at least is a frequent contributor to its pages. For an elucidation of line 569, I refer the reader to a passage in one of the essays contained in the second volume of Hazlitt's “Table-Talk.” The elaboratory where the London Magazine is concocted is, I believe, in the ward of Farringdon Without, and, this being the case, it is presumed the epithet Train-Bands is not inappropriate.—Allan Cunninghame and John Clare, also, I am informed, contribute to its pages. Of the one it may be said he is a real poet— of the other, a neat stitcher together of rhimes, and certainly, considering circumstances, a surprising man.


Who had a flonkie verd and, such a lamp!
It beat each coruscation of each swamp,
Each gas-light, whether bat's-wing or argand,
Or e'en the lamp that made Aladdin grand!
One or two strangers from the country fought
With this bright band from Farringdon Without,
But seem'd half conscious of a sense of guilt
At leaguing thus beneath the azure kilt.
One from the border-land of war and song
Seem'd by his tone and aspect to belong;
His friend appear'd of England's milder clime,
Uncouth his aspect, but well-made his rhime.
Often the trainbands pointed to this pair,
And said by these we hope some fame to share.


39

POCUS.
Were these the whole?

JOCUS.
Oh! no; in bands of ten
And tens of thousands others throng'd the plain.

I might have brought many more periodicals into the field, of various degrees of merit—magazines, reviews, registers, gazettes, councils of ten, &c. &c. &c.—from Pall-Mall, the Strand, Cornhill, Threadneedle Street, and other resorts of the Muses; but I was afraid of crowding my field of battle with raw recruits and undisciplined troops—so let them rest in peace, as, I pray the gods, they will permit me and mine!



POCUS.
How turn'd the scales of war?

JOCUS.
I cannot tell;
Nought struck my ear but dying warriors' yell,
My eyes saw nought but clouds of densest smoke,
As I from day-dream or from sleep awoke.

POCUS.
Bravo! my Jocus; after such a sight,
Our common chit-chat will, I fear, prove trite,
Besides 'tis twelve o'clock, and so, good night!

END OF PART I.

57

II. PART II.

Physics and Metaphysics—oh! Spurzheim,
Vouchsafe thy aid in this my mighty theme!
Find out the organs in each author's brain,
And shed the happy knowledge o'er my strain,
So shall I fail not rightly to describe
Who writes for fame, and who for lucre's bribe.
Physics—great Kitchener, of cooks the boast,

Who is there that hath not studied the “Cook's Oracle” of Dr. K.—and who is there furthermore that hath not yearned after the edible delectables therein enlarged upon?


Grant that my verses long may rule the roast;
Long may'st thou live, great oracle, to eat
Each famed bon bouche of which thy pages treat!

58

If after such delights in vain I sigh,
Rapt in soft measures let my hours flit by;

Dr. Kitchener is a musical as well as kitchen amateur, and has recently announced a work on the former topie. Possibly he may at times exclaim—

“Ever against eating cares
Rap me in soft Lydian airs.”


Or, if at last my book produce me food,
Teach me to buy it cheap and make it good!
Metaphysicians, who, from Bacon down
To Lawrence or to Wilson, scare the town—
Lawrence, who shook the mould'ring bones of Guy

It is perhaps an error to call Mr. L. a metaphysician—a natural philosopher might be more correct. Let us hope his philosophy may for the future be of a different cast. I forget whether Mr. Lawrence is surgeon to St. Thomas's or Guy's Hospital, but it is of no consequence, as they are sister institutions, and what would affect the one, would not be unfelt by its neighbouring pile.


And made th' astounded cits peccavi cry;
Wilson, who set Auld Reekie in a blaze

When Mr. Wilson stood candidate for his present situation of Professor of Moral Philosophy in the university of Edinburgh, he or his friends distributed a pamphlet full of certificates of his fitness from sundry and divers men of note—from Sir Walter Scott down to—many I have forgot, or never knew.


With his bright pamphlet full of scraps of praise—
Teach us poor mortals every sense to doubt
As long as physics keep us from the gout.
Doctors and surgeons, regulars and quacks,
Cease not your public labours to relax!
Whilst knighted Daniel down fair Tamis' tide

There is a certain Sir Harlequin Daniel, who is or was at the head of a “Medical Establishment” in Blackfriars'-road, who may have been seen by the reader bobbing up and down in the Thames, with a cocked hat on his head, supported by what he denominates a “Life Preserver,”—which it is to be hoped it may prove to many, as some slight atonement for—(verbum sap.) and who contrived to obtain surreptiously the honour of knighthood. Long may he wear his blushing honours thick about him!


Shews how with Life-Preservers we may glide;
And, though no swimmers, duck or goose-like sail
Without the aid of steamboat, or of gale;
Whilst Brewster each one's optic nerves delights

What can have become of all the Kaleidoscopes? The tinmen made a fortune by them, and now not one is ever seen.


By his famed peep-show and its varying sights;

59

Whilst Abernethy scolds, or milder Cline

Mr. C.'s residence is in Lincoln's-inn-fields, nearly opposite Surgeons' Hall.


Vainly retires for half an hour to dine
As raps, for ever sounding at his door,
Announce th' arrival of one patient more,
And Echo wafts the signal of each call
To envious students thronging Surgeons' Hall;
Whilst Cooper operates on the human frame,
And sage O'Meara on Napoleon's fame,
Who but rejoices at our favour'd age,
And deems each worthy of the poet's page!
O'Meara, how shall my advent'rous strain
Dare to provoke the choler of thy cane?

The ludicrous blunder of Mr. O'Meara, as related in the daily papers, of mistaking one Mr. Walter for another of the same name, and under such mistake subjecting him to a horsewhipping, must be fresh in the recollection of the public.


Well! I will stand the hazard of the throw,
Trusting some namesake may obtain the blow,
And just bestow four couplets on thy life
Of the crown'd hirer of th' assassin's knife.
Thanks to thy talents! for they well unfold
Thoughts that would otherwise have been untold;
Unlike the prophet who remain'd to bless

Vide the Old Testament.


When he had come with curses to oppress,

60

You wrote a life each virtue to rehearse,
And, lo! the tomes prove one continued curse!
Climax of bulls! oh! haste to Erin's shore,
Nor split our sides with blunders any more!
— But, hold, my Muse—nor leave three friends behind,
Shame that of friends I have thee to remind!
The sleet descends against the window-pane,
Loud sounds the wind across the dreary plain,
The creaking forests own the tempest's power,
And Desolation reigns without the door;
Within—ah! brighter scene—the circling bowl
Gives buoyant spirits to the quaffing soul,
Again light converse whiles away the night,
Now then, dear Muse, proceed with footsteps light.
JOCUS.
—Have at thee, Erskine! Have the Greeks obey'd
Thy high behest, and fled each native glade?

Lord Erskine has lately published a letter addressed to the Earl of Liverpool, “on the subject of the Greeks,” in which he recommends an union of Christian powers to drive the Turks from Turkey, principally because they are “barbarians.” I would ask his lordship, in the first place, where he would have them driven to; in the second, by what theory of reasoning does he prove them to be that “barbarous” people he asserts. Certainly if the holy, or any other alliance, were to engage to exterminate all nations equally deserving the appellation, they would have enough work on their hands.


Lo! I perceive in many a lengthen'd train
Their barbarous legions hastening to the main,

61

Courting the breezes wheresoe'er they bear,
To “Nova Zembla, or the Lord knows where;”
Erskine's ejectment stares them in the face,—
(In the next Term's Reports you 'll find the case,
Lord Erskine versus Mahomet,)—Greece they quit,
And without murmurs to their fate submit.
Are thy great legal wits now framing laws
To rule the Greeks when they have gain'd their cause;
Or dost thou teach thy brother to arrange
His host of worthies mix'd in order strange,
Winning new pilgrims unto Dryburgh's shades

Dryburgh Abbey is a lonely place on the banks of the Tweed, the seat of the Earl of Buchan, Lord Erskine's elder brother. The traveller is shewn there the tomb of its owner ready prepared with a golden inscription to be filled up with dates, &c. at his decease; and, moreover, a goodly collection of busts, arranged with a striking attention to similarity of characters and pursuits—for we there view Provost Creech, an Edinburgh bookseller and magistrate, between Homer, the maker of epics, and John Knox, the un-maker of churches, on one side,—on another Cæsar and Mozart, supporting— Count Rumford of economical fire-grate notoriety!—whilst a third group consists of Washington, the republic-wright, Shakspeare, the play-wright, and Watt, the steam-engine-wright, &c. &c.


To view this motley group of divers trades?
Perchance thou musest on the banks of Sark,

Gretna-Green is situated on the banks of the river Sark, and at Gretna-Green the septuagenarian frolic of Lord Erskine was acted to the amusement of the world.


The scene of thy e'er-memorable lark—
Tell me, great Erskine, that is, if you can,
Your next new scheme for benefiting man!

HOCUS.
Erskine is not the only scribbling peer,
Lo! Thurlow's rhymes their brainless ghosts uprear—

“Why ghosts?” inquires the reader. Alas! are they not dead? It is well the rhythm did not require a word of two syllables, as I fear spirits would have been too ironical.




62

JOCUS.
Ay, let him write, and let those read who choose,
The lumb'ring pages of his awkward muse!
Alas! the Teian Sage by Thurlow doom'd
To stalk on earth his beauties all consum'd.

POCUS.
Just as Catullus hath been forced to wear
Lambe's mouthing accent and pedantic air.

HOCUS.
Or luckless Camoens doom'd to feel the weight
At once, oh! Strangford, of thy wrathful hate,
And, harder still, the heavy, drawling page
Purloin'd by Adamson to soothe the age!

Mr. Adamson has proved himself an industrious compiler from the German and other occult tongues.



JOCUS.
Nor only these. In Holland House expires
Poor Lope de Vega with his countless quires;—

Even the persevering Lord Holland sunk before the herculean task of translating Lope de Vega, the most voluminous writer of his own or any age. (Scott is nothing to him.) His Lordship has, however, had a touch at the Spaniard. “If I cannot murder thee outright, I will wound, wound, wound.”


Examples fit to teach each foreign bard
To pray, at least, for destiny less hard
Than being call'd before our House of Lords,
Or crush'd beneath a lawyer's pond'rous words.


63

POCUS.
Oh! that these titled authors, ere they wrote,
Would but thy catechisms, Pinnock, note,

I should have considered myself guilty of a woeful dereliction of duty, had I neglected to give a line to these royal roads to knowledge—these short cuts to the Temple of Science.


Then they might haply not their void expose
Of what each infant of ten summers knows!

JOCUS.
Whom shall we next attack?

HOCUS.
I hardly know;
Reach me that paper—it may mark a foe;—
Just as I thought, for Fonthill's sale at once

Wanstead's sale is hardly over, ere that at Fonthill commences. They ought to prove useful lessons to certain persons in certain classes of society.


Vathek re-calls to occupy my sconce.
Alas! for grandeur in his humbled hour,
How veer the gales of worldly wealth and power!
To-day a Beckford builds his Babel-pile,
To-morrow auctioneers disperse its spoil;
To-day a Long with Eastern lux'ry decks
Halls that the morrow to destruction wrecks!
Such is the world, and such the fate of man,
More than the wisest mortal e'er can scan.


64

JOCUS.
Trite the remark, but yet as true as trite.

HOCUS.
Some minds are tinged with misanthropic spite,
Mankind they shun, and make a hell of earth,
And such is his who gave to Vathek birth.
Lodged in his vast retreat, he scorn'd the world,
And ne'er to longing eyes the veil unfurl'd
That hid, as with the vestiture of night,
His rich museum from our anxious sight.
Now, yielding to the feelings he despised,
Crowds have his faëry palace criticised,
The Caliph pockets each one's guinea fee,
And hosts go forth and brag of what they see;
So each is pleased—almighty power of gold,
Thus eyes to satisfy, and gates t' unfold!

For many years Fonthill had been wholly inaccessible to the curious. Yesterday's paper announces that upwards of two hundred carriages per diem disgorge their contents beneath its walls, and that the crowd of pilgrims to this shrine of virtù is yet increasing.



POCUS.
Whilst towards Wiltshire's wide-extended plains
while we turn the organs of our brains,

65

Suppose a thought we give to courteous Hoare,
And musing view the sources of the Stour,

Stourhead in Wiltshire, the seat of Sir R. C. Hoare, Bart author of “Ancient Wiltshire,” “Classical Tour in Italy and Sicily,” &c.


As he displays the wrecks of olden times,
And makes us rich in lore of distant climes—

JOCUS.
'Tis doubtless sweet to cull the page antique,
And taste of Roman pleasures and of Greek;
There also may be joy in letters black,
Yet, God preserve me from that noisy pack
Who after such delights for ever soar,
(A pack not nameless nor unsung before,)

See that excellent satire, “The Pursuits of Literature.”


A band not yet extinct whilst Dibdin writes,
Or Fosbrooke plies his rusty quill at nights—
Dibdin the bookworm, who in search of spoil,

Dibdin's Typographical Tour is an interesting and elegant work. When the author enlarges upon Black Letter topics he occasionally excites a smile by his apparent ardour in their pursuit, but it is far from a smile of contempt.


Not unto British realms confines his toil;
Fosbrooke the earthworm, who each ruin haunts,

I have little doubt that Mr. F.'s good sense will prevent his being offended at the epithet I have bestowed upon him. His British Monachism is an erudite work, and has annexed to it some very pleasing productions of its author's muse, deserving of a more general circulation than they are likely to obtain as a portion of an expensive folio.


And prates of nunnish robes and monkish chaunts.

POCUS.
Scott, too, a name we've talk'd of, hath an itch
To shew his erudition 'bout a witch,

66

Sagely to reason on an earthen mound,
Or border-ballad of uncouthest sound.
Preserve, oh! Providence, such prosing prigs
From ghastly fears, or elfin's midnight twigs;
Thus they may live each nursery to alarm,
And make each ruin with gaunt spectres swarm.

HOCUS.
How can this thinking and enlighten'd age,
Treat with forbearance each black-letter page?

JOCUS.
Thanks unto Mawe and Accum, chemic tricks,

Mr. Mawe is perhaps more of a mineralogist than a chemist, but mineralogy and chemistry are twin sisters. Mr. Accum—ay, what has become of Mr. Accum?


Which, but a few years back, each wight could fix
In fear prodigious, now are open'd out
To each Scotch sawney, and each English lout.
No more the alchemist in close-hid den
Excites the awe and hate of fellow-men,
Shudd'ring o'er crucibles, and half afraid
Of the discov'ries he himself hath made;
But school-boy armies range from shore to shore,

It is reported that the inhabitants of a certain village within a sabbath day's journey of Edinburgh, some years ago took up the mineralogical class of that university as a gang of French spies—the learned villagers, no doubt, taking whacke, schistus, and similar words, for gallicisms.


Warring with rock or pebble, sand or ore;

67

Retorts are nightly burst, and children hear
The wondrous shock, yet hardly cry Oh dear!
Whilst art galvanic with Promethean power
Makes lifeless features with each passion lower!

HOCUS.
Well, well, as Byron sagely saith, the world
Must turn upon its axis, we be hurl'd
Round with the sphere, and tumble heads or tails,
And, as the veering wind shifts, shift our sails.

See Don Juan, Canto II. Stanza 4.


Each plays his part, and 'tis the plan most wise,
Perhaps not what we see to criticise,
But, like automata, to pass through life
With, if but little pleasure, little strife.

JOCUS.
Not such my wish. I'll give my fancy scope,
And bear in mind the good advice of Pope;
Expatiate freely on the deeds of man,
Blame where I must, be candid where I can.

HOCUS.
A rev'rend maxim, but, alas! how few
Who satires write keep Pope's advice in view.


68

JOCUS.
Satires! we've none. Tom Brown the younger writes,

The Author of “The Fudge Family,” &c. (be he or be he not Tom Moore) has certainly chosen a very appropriate nom de guerre. Tom Brown the younger is no unworthy successor to Tom Brown the elder. Vide the Memoirs of the latter character.


And Pope's and ev'ry worthy maxim slights;
Luttrel hath written, too, a lively lay,

“Advice to Julia” is a pretty work, very suitable to the boudoir or drawing room, but its satire is, I fear, too slight to have much effect.


That was the town-talk for a winter's day;
Terrot with brass prodigious, vain pretence,
Wrote common-place, and dubb'd it Common Sense;

A Mr. Terrut, Terrat, or Terrot (a youthful divine) hath collected sundry and divers remarks from the newspapers of the last ten years, and, after manufacturing them into bad verse, published them under the title of “Common Sense, a poem.” Common enough, certainly. But why should I revive such things from their native oblivion?


Others, perchance, their rivals overhaul,
But who satiric can their writings call?

POCUS.
Not I, i'faith—

JOCUS.
Suppose I try my hand
At lashing all the follies of the land—
Zounds! I will shew that satire's not abuse,
And that when quizzing, we need not traduce.

POCUS.
Bravo! my Jocus. I will buy thy book,
To save one copy from the pastry-cook.


69

JOCUS.
Thanks for thy offer, but I little fear
That thus will end my ignoble career;
Cooks now, grown wary, write their books themselves,
And home-spun dramas groan upon their shelves.
Birch wraps within his uncut leaves his cakes,

Samuel Birch (cidevant Lord Mayor and Colonel of Train Bands, now Alderman, pastrycook, playwright, and what not?) wrote a play or plays greatly admired by the courts of aldermen and common council; who, however, regarded the phenomenon of one of their body dealing in such articles as somewhat ominous. There is, I should imagine, but little fear of such a merchant having many rivals amongst his civic colleagues.—On his door-post in Cornhill is written “Birch successor to the late Mr. Horton.”


And the old book-stall Horton used forsakes.

HOCUS.
Oh, glorious age! when will the mania cease,
And pseudo-poets leave their pens at peace?

POCUS.
Some bards we have yet worthy of our praise,
Whilst Hogg and Rogers charm us with their lays.

HOCUS.
Ay, canty chield of lone St. Mary's lake,
Much I admire thy royal Mary's Wake;

Hogg's Queen's Wake is his best production—I had almost said his only good one. It well atones, however, for such manufactures as his “Three Perils,” &c. &c.


Bonny Kilmeny and the Witch of Fife
Stir up the soul and give each pulse fresh life.


70

JOCUS.
Rogers hath sweetly sung, and, though his verse

“Human Life” is the “Pleasures of Memory” in its dotage. I may be wrong in attributing “Italy” to the same author. It is pretty in parts, but almost too pamby-namby even for Rogers.


Hath lately grown less musical and terse,
Yet, for the strains of other days we'll bear
E'en Human Life or Italy to hear.

POCUS.
We've Phillips, too, that mighty man of speech,

With all his faults, Phillips is one of the most eloquent men of his day. His speech in the cause Guthrie v Sterne has long struck me as one of the best of its kind in our own or any other language.


Who both can rhime, and spout, and puff, and preach,
Teeming his words profuse to all around,
And glorious in the wordy war of sound.—

HOCUS.
Suppose a while we leave the rougher sex,
And with blue-stocking'd dames our minds perplex?

JOCUS.
Agreed—but where our toil shall we begin?
To run amuck would here be grievous sin;
Sway'd by thy wondrous orders, Etiquette,
We ought, by rule, to pass from coronet
Down to the lady of the gallant knight,
Or her devoid of rank and title quite.


71

HOCUS.
Too arduous task—'tis folly to attempt,
And from disgrace hope to remain exempt.

JOCUS.
To aid our difficulties I'll recite
A rambling verse I wrote the other night;
In it, a second Rochester, I soar
From Lady Morgan down to Hannah More.

POCUS.
Proceed; we anxious wait, and long to hear
The rhiming offspring of your caput queer.—

BAS-BLEUSIA.

I.

Men oft have fancies vague and wild,
And love them as a fav'rite child;
Sir Thomas thus, in days of yore,
Raved wisely of a fancied shore,

72

Where laws and manners past a joke
Ruled, he affirms, the docile folk.
Now pray not at my fancy smile,
If, like Sir Thomas, I've an isle;
Why should not Jocus as Sir Thomas
Create a realm and people rum as?
Aid me, ye gods and little fishes,
To versify up to my wishes!

II.

Somewhere beyond the shores of Russia
Exists the island of Bas-Bleusia;
An Amazonian tribe dwell here
About three months in every year,
The other nine they fly away,
But how or where is hard to say;
I've heard, indeed, they 've been seen falling
On Albion's shores when gulls are squalling,
But, once upon dry land, a trice in
They 're hid from sight some edifice in;
So that the learned are disputing,
Whether deep mud their forms they shoot in,

73

Or in vast trees by time made hollow
Shelter themselves like bat or swallow;
However I am of opinion
That they depart their own dominion,
And seek some clime where man, that demon,
Makes havoc 'midst the hearts of women.

III.

The government yclept Bas-Bleusian,
Though not exactly Rosicrusian,
Is something like it, only mixt with
Laws such as Englishmen are lick'd with.
But 'tis not now my sage intention
Of laws and senates to make mention;
I merely mean as with a tongue to
Define some members of the junto.
Of course there was a party “out,”
Who with the “ins” oft made a rout,
Indeed, 'twould be ridiculous
To prove a thing so obvious.
There were, too, as in other regions,
A few who leagued not with these legions,

74

Either because their minds went farther
In depth than either did, or rather
They thought they sooner thus their wishes
Might gain of getting loaves and fishes.

IV.

Oh! for a pen, like Scott's in quickness,
To fill a tome that may in thickness
Rival th' Excursion—then I might
Hope in fit stile my verse to write.
Alas! I dare not hope for such
A knack of writing quick and much.

V.

First, I'll describe the opposition,
Because the worthiest division—
No! never let the critics say
That Jocus made these last give way
To those poor pensioners and sinners,
Who eat at ministerial dinners!

VI.

The time I choose to lay my history
Is at th' enactment of a mystery,

75

To which Bas-Bleusians in procession
March at the ending of each session,
Much as our members join the Lords
To feast their ears on royal words;
Only my senate were far grander,
And, (like geese led by ancient gander,)

It is a fact well known to ornithologists that a flock of geese always march with their most experienced gander at their head, and that wild-geese fly in the same order.


Went in due order, trumpets blowing
And pennons in the breezes flowing,
Not as the British House of Commons
Run helter-skelter at the summons.

VII.

Edgeworth came first, and led a band
Who spoke the brogue of Erin's land.
Six did shillalahs hold on high,
And six with pennons dare the sky;
The next, in number near a score,
Each in his hand a shamrock bore,
Her standard-bearer then
Came on with vast and solemn stride,
As mightiest of men;

76

Her shield with em'rald green was dyed,
And bore in chief, ranged side by side,
Three argent harps stringed or,
A fesse of gules ingrail'd below
Six shamrocks of the first did shew,
The motto that she bore
“Erin go bragh,” her crest, (for in
Bas-Bleusia it was thought no sin
To add a crest to female bearing,)
Was a squireen a shake-down wearing.
As past Bas-Bleusia's king she went,
This was her speech—“I'm too intent

Whoever knows Miss E. is aware of her practice of noting down whatever she hears and sees—as materiel for future works. Some persons have shunned her society on this account, unwilling to have their peculiarities made public.


In noting what I hear and see
To make long speeches, Gog, to thee.”

VIII.

(Gog, the great city chief, was sent
By aldermen to banishment
From civic dainties, for the wits
Had roused the slumbers of the cits
By saying he had brains as good
As any of their brotherhood.

77

The court of aldermen had therefore,
Without assigning why or wherefore,
Order'd poor Gog to quit his station
And straightway leave their convocation.
Gog went by air, as he was able,
And, after distant flight,
Fell, like king Log in ancient fable,
A monarch to the sight!
Bas-Bleusia was the happy isle
Favour'd with Gog's benignant smile.)

IX.

To Edgeworth's speech, so short and sweet,
Gog thus replied in tone discreet—
“If, madam, in your earliest book,
You give my fame a prominent nook,
And make king Corny yield to Gog,

King Corny is a conspicuous character in Miss Edgeworth's tale entitled “Ormond.”


You, ma'am, may thus your mem'ry jog.”
Ere she replied, the lady quick
Was order'd off by Gog's gold-stick.

78

X.

Hark to the trumpet, and hark to the drums,
And the terrible cry, She comes, she comes!
The mob crowded round her, the nations aghast
Beheld the next vot'ry as by them she past;
Her flag was of white, and sable the shield
With guttes du sang sprinkled all over its field;

Guttes du sang, an heraldic term signifying drops of blood.


I saw her, I trembled—no homage she paid
As past the great monarch her pathway she made:
Whilst beyond distant space I saw her retire,
The echoes still rung, Ave Helen Maria!

Miss Williams has more recently, I am happy to say, employed herself in translating from the French—a better task than publishing her ultra-revolutionary ideas.


XI.

With lute in hand, lo! next advancing,
Rosy nymphs around her dancing,
Fair Ida came, her hair loose floating,
Pleasure ev'ry glance denoting,
Passion glitter'd in her eye
And hung on each voluptuous sigh;
Myrtle garlands round her flung,
Thus the tender damsel sung—

79

XII.

“With Erin's wit, and Grecian smiles,
I come to charm the British Isles.
As, sybil-like, my leaves I cast,
Where'er they fall, their potence vast
Is sure t 'inform the docile mind,
And doubly make each breast refin'd.
Why should I fear a critic's scowl,—
'Tis envy makes the monster howl!
I'll write, I'll publish, and I'll puff—”
Gog with impatience says “Enough!”
But dauntless to the king she turns,
And cries, “My soul your anger spurns;
Ye gods! a satire I will write,

That well-puffed production yclept “The Mohawks” has been attributed to Lady Morgan and her husband. I am unwilling to conceive, however, that even Lady M. could write some parts of it of a most unladylike nature; and the frequent employment of similes culled from the “Pharmacopœia Londinensis,” &c. induces me to suppose it has originated from the pericranium of her spouse.


And kings shall crouch beneath my sight,
Rivals will tremble, foes expire
Beneath my cutting line and lyre—.”
As she thus raved, with eyes of flame,
Gold-Stick led off the angry dame.

80

XIII.

Wond'ring, I cry, what sweets compose
The sav'ry gales that meet my nose?
Lo! twenty cooks with each in hand
A rolling-pin's right noble wand;
As many scullions bearing dishes
Of soup, and flesh, and fowl, and fishes;
Between them march'd a stately dame,
And Rundell was the fair one's name.
A book she carried, and she oft
Cast up beseeching looks aloft,
Whilst I could hear her in a flurry
At times pronounce the name of Murray,
Or trembling heave a heart-wrung sigh,
And some such word as chancery.

Allow me to wish Mrs. R. well through her chancery suit with Mr. Murray.


She pass'd king Gog with curtesy low,
Which was return'd with royal bow,
Almost as graceful as the bends
With which king George salutes his friends,
And thus she spoke—“Most sapient Gog,
Make me provider of your prog,

81

And I will feast you better than
Your neighbour the Tartarean Khan
Was e'er regaled with carrion tender
Or milk that mares when brooding render.”
The monarch thus. “Our royal mind
To grant your boon is much inclined,
Only we fear that Eldon's Earl
May take it in his head to whirl
Our dinner hence without compunction
By what he nicknames an injunction;
But when you've settled 'bout your books
We'll dub you princess of our cooks.”
The sav'ry pageant then pass'd on,
Whilst many a hungry glance was thrown
On reeking mess and flesh-clad bone.

XIV.

Upon a gorgeous car of state
A beauteous form advanced,
Each female breast with envy burn'd
As she around her glanced;

82

She wore a lordly coronet

The Countess of Blessington's lovely person is not her sole endowment—for those who have enraptured beheld her lovely features will at least bestow equal admiration on the effusions of her elegantly satirical pen.


With many a pearl and brilliant set.
With keen satiric eye she view'd
The hosts around her car,
Folly and vice beneath her looks
Retreated quick afar;
Anon, with smile, as angel's bland,
She back allured th' admiring band.
Great Gog—for even kings submit
To Beauty's greater sway—
Beheld her with admiring eye,
Then turn'd his head away,
As if the spectacle too much
His sympathetic heart did touch.
As raptured I beheld her form,
Methought a sylph she seem'd,
Such as of which the youthful bard
Ere now hath ofttimes dream'd,
Something too fair to owe her birth
To aught on this low, grov'lling earth.

83

XV.

Next in hand came Frye and More,

I am not aware that Mrs. Frye is an author—but she, however, has made herself a sufficiently public character to excuse the slight notice I have taken of her in my poem. Her labours in the cause of gaol reform have, I am told, been eminently successful, and render her deserving of the thanks of the community. I cannot, however, help thinking hers a somewhat dangerous example—especially to young ladies. The female sex have of late become far too fond of display, and are too apt to seek for that applause from crowded anniversary meetings which they ought alone to look for from their fathers, husbands, or brothers. The great merit of Mrs. F. is the unassuming manner in which she commenced her praiseworthy labours; and doubtless she regrets as much as myself the (if I may be allowed the expression) unfeminine publicity since given to them.

I must confess I have no patience when I see our females forming themselves into societies, committees, &c. &c. whether for the purpose of clothing naked infants, erecting naked statues, distributing bibles or blankets, or collecting weekly pence for the support of all or any of these purposes. The objects themselves may be—many no doubt are good—but I fear very dearly purchased when at the risk of rendering our fair companions familiar with vice and publicity. Let every female be a Dorcas, but away with the canting institutions where ladies-patronesses, committee-women, &c. figure away in printed display with such additions as Miss A. three bedgowns—Miss B. seven shifts—Miss C. two frocks—Mrs. D. a bundle of old baby-linen—Mrs. E. a parcel of old rags, &c.

Mrs. More hath written much; and must now have attained a venerable old age. Pleasing must be the recollections of her well-spent life. Though her last work is the very acmé of slang-theological, it certainly strikes me as her best, and the most likely to become generally useful.


No sign of rank or pomp they bore;
They paid their vows with air profound
To great king Gog in duty bound,
Then hasten'd from the splendid scene,
Fearing it might pollute their mien.

XVI.

A pair came next of novel-makers

Who can this brace of lady-birds be? inquires my reader, as he refers to this note. I answer, the Miss Porters, the Miss Thomsons, &c. &c. or any others he may choose.


With looks as long as undertakers.
They pass'd with ambling step—but Gog
Ne'er saw them, till a friendly jog
By Gold-Stick given made him nod
Half yawning as they past him trod.

XVII.

Helm and pennon held on high
Told that Porden next drew nigh,

I never read Miss Porden's poem “The Veils,” nor do I think the title will allure me. Her late production “Cœur de Lion,” though in parts heavy, as all long poems are (Homer nods at times), is worthy to be called a national poem, and is laudably free from the clap-trap and quackery of our modern poets, from Byron downwards.


A cross her ensign shone;
A band of music sweet and strong
Resounded as she march'd along,

84

And myriads on the echoes hung
As the fair lady-minstrel sung
With ardour to the tone;
Swords left their scabbards at the sound,
Great Gog more nobly look'd around
With valour in his eyes;
Then to a soft and tender air
She changed her song with magic rare,
And the assembled throng in vain
Strove tears of sorrow to restrain
And sympathizing sighs;
E'en from the eye of Gog stout-hearted
'Tis said two royal tears departed.

XVIII.

Two harpers from Wales preceded the next one,
Who sang in a strain that a little perplex'd one;
With the features of youth, but the wisdom of age
She unfolded the beauties of history's page,
And wove a romance with such exquisite skill
That the heart of each hearer it fail'd not to thrill.

85

Then a lament she pour'd—ah! how tender the strains,
O'er those fallen and desolate isles
Where the sons of the free now hug Servitude's chains,
And the sun of their glory for ages hath set
In a darkness the bosom must ever regret,
Though Nature still bright o'er them smiles.
She ceased, and wild Echo repeated the song,
As the lovely Welsh minstrel proceeded along.

Mrs. Hemans does or did reside in Wales. It is a matter of surprise to me that her poems are not more generally known. Wherever they are known, they are sure to be favourites. I am sorry to see her writing prize poems, in as much as I should regret to behold a Lawrence or a Beechy rival candidates with the young gentlemen and ladies who compete for the silver pallets, &c. given by the Society for the Encouragement of Arts and Sciences.


XIX.

Chains and daggers round her hung,
'Twas thus methought that Radcliffe sung—

Mrs. R. has, I believe, lately announced another work— full, no doubt, of haunted castles, aërial music, secret passages, &c. &c.


“Great Gog, stern midnight ruled the hour
As on my couch I musing lay,
I thought me of thy potent power,
And of the realms that own thy sway.
Rapt in the mazy depth of thought,
I fancied blood before me shone,
My ears, too, at the moment caught
What seem'd a maniac's dying groan.

86

Then hollow accents fill'd my soul
With something half akin to fear,
For at the time with solemn toll
The Surrey watch-bell met mine ear.
Methought the voice thus doleful spoke
In awful and heart-thrilling guise,
My slumbers for that night it broke,
And sleepless made my weary eyes:—
‘Thou raiser of spectres
Whole nurseries alarming,
And builder of castles
With horribles swarming,
I condemn thee till morning
To struggle with terror,
Oh! may it prove warning
To turn thee from error!
I also command thee
Great Gog to solicit
For pardon and mercy
When him you revisit,

87

For, alas! Mrs. Radcliffe,
Thy crimes have been many,
And in heinousness also
Not beaten by any.
The sighs of the sleepless,
The groans of the fearful,
The sobs of the tender,
The tears of the tearful,
All rise up in judgment
Against and compel thee
To shudder and wonder
At what hath befel thee.
At morn in thy study,
The fears are around thee;
At night in thy bed-room,
With torments they've bound thee.
The spell is upon thee,
It tortures thy brain, ma'am,
'Twill continue for ever
If thou writest again, ma'am!’

88

Hearing this judgment, unto thee I come,
Great Gog, a pardon for my crimes to sue,
For ah! no longer I can bear my home,
Spectres at every turn appal my view!”
Gog answer'd not, but told Gold-Stick
To tell the lady swift to cease
The world t'affright with volumes thick,
Bnt let her pen remain at peace,
And she would find, ere long, her tortured brain
Reliev'd from devils blue and all their haggard train.

XX.

One next advanced who with an accent wild,

Mrs. Opie has written sundry and divers mediocre tales, a few prettyish poems, and one work of real genius, “The Father and Daughter.”


Pourtray'd the terrors of the maniac's child;
Each hearer's breast with horror thrill'd the while,
Deeming they saw the madman's moody smile;
Shudd'ring, they cried, Forbear! E'en Gog, afraid,
Call'd, it is said, for gin's emboldening aid.

XXI.

The pibroch's spirit-stirring strain
Now sounded o'er the startled plain;

89

A countless band in tartan dress'd
Unto the royal presence press'd.
First came six thistle-bearers on,
Then six who heaved a granite stone
Of most prodigious size;
The next a sprig of heather bore,
Then came of pipers near a score
With each two kilted thighs;
Next Grant, the venerable dame,
And Baillie, often-lauded name,
And Hamilton and Brunton too
Appear'd to render fealty due
To mighty Gog, who courteous view'd
Their forms as they around him stood—
Grant, who delights the spells t'unfold

Mrs. Grant's “Letters from the Mountains” are deserving of a less affected title. Her Essays on the superstitions of the Highlanders have doubtless been read with pleasure by many of my readers.


Which rugged Nature's children hold;
Baillie, who with a magic wand

Why—oh! why did Miss Baillie publish her “Metrical Legends?” Who can forbear, on reading them, to exclaim—

“Fall'n, fall'n, fall'n from her high estate?”


Hath made the passions round her stand;
The others—ah! forbear my strain,
Nor take such hallow'd names in vain,

90

For friends still shed the pitying tear,
And nations throng around their bier!

XXII.

Many more Bas-Bleusians truly
Homage paid to Gog full duely,
But those I've sung enjoy'd the station
Held by the magnates of our nation,
The loudest talkers in debates
About their own and other states,
As they, like others I could mention,
Had a most perplexing penchant
For ruling all the neighb'ring regions
By their sage parliament's decisions,
Deeming, no doubt, their nous prodigious,
A blunder that I call egregious.

XXIII.

The greetings over to the king,
Now strive, my Muse, in stile to sing,
Whilst I, ambitious, try to reach
The bathos of a royal speech.

91

“Whereas our royal self is willing”—
Thus spoke great Gog with accents thrilling,
“To make some comments on the fate
Of this our most puissant state,
It is our wish and order royal,
That all should listen and be loyal;
No coughing must be heard, or sneezing,
Which to our hearing is displeasing,
So let Bas-Bleusians all be quiet,
And, if they can, refrain from riot.”

XXIV.

Here some one midst the crowd averr'd
The riot-act had not been heard;
That it was 'gainst their constitution,
(See Statute ninety-first Bas-Bleusian,)
Thus to restrain both coughs and sneezing
Because to royal ears displeasing,
Unless that soothing proclamation
Had lay'd the spirits of the nation.
Unwilling to dispute the matter,
Gog order'd forth his Silver-Platter,

92

(A kind of officer of state,
Whose place it was to rule debate,)
And bade him read with lungs of thunder
The words to keep the people under;
This done, great Gog again commenced
His speech, with voice and air incensed.

XXV.

“Ye people, assinine and mulish,
Why vex your King with actions foolish?
Know not your weak and addled sconces
That ye are nought but stupid dunces?
Ye gods! that Gog of kings the first
Should rule a people so accurst!
Was't not enough that (ere we here
Came to o'errule with brow severe,)
A turtle-feeding, waspish legion
Should plague us in a western region;
That realm where we and Magog stood
Chiefs of a civic brotherhood?

93

Was't not enough that we should hear
Wood deal out words like drugs for beer;
Or Waithman, clad in Indian shawl,
By the long hour incessant bawl;
Or Parkins, mightiest of men,
Both grin and growl, and growl and grin?
Think you, Bas-Bleusians, that we thus
Can bear your conduct riotous?
Forbid it heaven, forbid it earth!
Whence could the monstrous thought have birth?”

XXVI.

The rest of Gog's puissant speech
My hearing strove in vain to reach,
For from a corner of the crowd
Ida thus spoke with accents loud—
“Zounds! does your kingship think we will
Submit to take your tyrannous pill?

The propriety of this medical simile cannot be called in question by those who have read “The Mohawks.”


No! at your great behests we scoff,
And, freeborn, I'll both sneeze and cough!”

94

“And so will I,” great Helen cried,
And so did many a voice beside;
Great Gog cried Treason! call'd his guard,
And offer'd half-a-groat reward
To those who would the traitors 'peach—
Alas! the infection spread to each
Who stood around—the king in vain
Strove to appease the angry train.
The march of Reason who can stop,
Who bid a Hume forbear to lop
Pension, and place, and sinecure,
With stroke as merciless as sure?
Vain, vain the hope; great Gog was wise
Nor longer task so hopeless tries,
Yields to the threat'ning storm, and throws
His prostrate form before his foes.
They hurl him like a wooden block
To what the Scotch would call a Loch,—
Great was the splash as in they threw!
But, ah! with Gog, Bas-Bleusia flew

95

To atoms primitive; the natives
Trembled just like detected caitiffs,
Then sought the air—again to fall
On Albion's shores where sea-gulls squall,
Or in some tree, by Time made hollow,
Conceal themselves like bat or swallow.
END OF PART II.

113

III. PART III.

For praise I care not, yet I must confess
'Tis sweet to feel the public's dear caress;
'Tis doubtless sweet beyond compare to hear
Words of applause resounding—ev'ry where;
To view admiring crowds your footsteps haunt,
And hear each coterie prating of your chaunt:
'Tis sweet, I know, to hear by female tongue
Your own light verses musically sung,
As trembling voice, and tell-tale eyes betray
All that the singer wishes—fears to say.

114

Such joys I've felt, and, though the songstress now
Might view, I fear, my form with unmoved brow,
Yet still 'tis sweet to muse upon those hours
When life's green paths were strew'd with fresh-pluck'd flowers,
And led by Mem'ry clad in pensive robe,
View that dear spot—the dearest on the globe!
Where youthful buoyancy of thought impress'd
Each well-known object with a faëry vest:
Ecstatic dream! too soon it fades to nought,
To-day, with stern realities enfraught,
Appals my shrinking breast, and fruitless sighs
For brighter yesterday, alas! arise.
Oh! for a lodge in some vast solitude
“Oh! for a lodge in some vast wilderness.”

Cowper.


Where wood-fringed rocks display their features rude,
Where the dark pines the foaming cat'ract shade,
And the light red-deer gambols in each glade!
Futile the wish; the crowded haunts of men
At once demand my presence and my pen,

115

So buckle-to, my fancy, nor in vain
Sigh after joys you ne'er may know again.
The city, too, hath charms, but of a kind
To me less pleasing, as they're less refined.
'Tween man and man the frequent intercourse
That chills the heart, yet gives the mind fresh force;
Feeling decays, and we as cautious grow
As if each one we spoke to were a foe.
But yet there's joy in London;—sure 'tis sweet
To view the gas illume the crowded street;
'Tis sweet to hear along the river creep
The voice of lighterman so loud and deep;
'Tis sweet to hear the watchman's honest bark,
And sweet the craft 'neath London-bridge to mark,
As through its centre arch they swiftly glide,
Impell'd not by the oar, but with the tide;
'Tis sweet to call a coach on rainy night,
And chuckle as you pass each dripping wight;
Sweet is the sound of footman's moving feet
When you impatient linger in the street,

116

Hearing the chearful tones of those you love
Talking and laughing in the room above;
And sweet to hear your name announced, and know
Eyes will look brighter as you make your bow.

Vide Don Juan, Canto I. Stanza 122.


“What, in the name of wonder, has this proem
To do, sage author, with The Press, a Poem?”
Still sager reader, nothing I confess,
So I'll conclude it, and resume The Press.—
HOCUS.
Thank thee, my Jocus, for the hum'rous verse
Which you last night so kindly did rehearse,
But which we—slumbering ere the half was o'er,—
Neglected then to thank the author for.

JOCUS.
Enough, enough, my friends; we yet have lots
Of men to combat—English, Irish, Scots.

POCUS.
Ay—'midst the first appears pedantic Bowles;
The Irish ranks display the form of Knowles;
Scotland, though ransack'd by our brains full well,
Hath yet great names—for instance, Andrew Bell.


117

HOCUS.
Bowles hath been touch'd by Byron's cutting powers,

Vide English Bards and Scotch Reviewers.


We'll therefore spare him from the lash of ours;
And, as for Knowles—

Knowles' Virginius is greatly superior to the generality of modern tragedies. Whoever has beheld Macready and Miss Foote perform in it, hath seen one of the finest spectacles the stage of to-day can exhibit.



POCUS.
His play deserves our praise,
For it reminds us of those better days,
When real genius cater'd for the stage,
Not the mean drama-mongers of our age.

JOCUS.
Thanks unto Bell! now lisping children write,

Dr. Andrew Bell, the inventor of the Madras system of Education, well deserves the thanks of his countrymen. He is master of Sherburn Hospital in the county of Durham—a charitable institution, and therefore, it is presumed, worthy of the epithet sacred.


Soon sucking infants may a page recite;
Let subtle disputants the wisdom doubt
Of teaching letters to each infant lout,
Mine be the task to praise Bell's happy plan
For making knowledge general to man;
Long may he live in Sherburn's sacred bowers,
And calm seclusion gild his latter hours!


118

POCUS.
Ere we depart from Durham's mitred vales,
We'll talk of Faber and his well-spun tales,

Mr. Faber's Dissertations on the Prophecies are too generally known to require further notice. His work on Pagan Mythology displays a prodigious fund of research, though in some parts too abstruse and confused.


Where lore Peruvian, Hindoo, and Chinese,
Mixt in due order cannot fail to please,
As Brama, Vishnu, Juggernaut, and Jove,
The Indian mountain, or the British grove,
With the conceptions of the Chinese sage,
Rear their strange forms aloft in every page.

HOCUS.
Oh! when a mind can dare such dang'rous theme,
Nor like a Drummond or a Phillips dream,
Due praise be his, although we vainly try
To follow through the maze of prophecy.

JOCUS.
Let Bridge Street levies crowd Sir Richard's door,

Vide Part I. Note 41.


The while Sir William keeps to Naples' shore,—

Sir W. Drummond, author of several works of a deistical tendency, resides, or did lately reside, at Naples.


To favour'd Naples, which the travelling press
Of travelling Brydges too vouchsafes to bless—

Sir Egerton Brydges, when at home, prints from his private press at Lee Priory, and when abroad edifies the natives of the country he happens to be in with sundry and divers concoctions of his brain. For instance;—At Geneva he published a work on Political Economy—at Florence a volume of Miscellanies—at Rome, too, he had his printing press—at Naples he published, and I believe is still publishing and intending to publish a periodical work under the title of Res Literariæ. Probably, when the Baronet puts into force his intention of visiting Lapland, he will delight the Laps (Vide the Specimens lately exhibited by Mr. Bullock) in a similar manner.




119

POCUS.
Brydges! ah, is he there? but yesterday
I made to him in Paris my congè.

JOCUS.
You've doubtless heard of those who throng our isle,

The class of itinerant venders of books in numbers, principally from the press of Nuttall and Co. of Liverpool.


Daring each narrow glen, and stern defile,
With, 'neath their arm, portfolios cramm'd with books
T' inform our ploughmen, dairy-maids, and cooks,—
Sir Egerton, no doubt, keeps these in view,
But carries books and printing-presses too.
At once the friend of learning and mankind,
His happy thoughts are not to us confined;
Ideas concocted in his Priory's shade
O'er all benighted Europe are convey'd;
French and Italians, Swiss and Germans, feel
Th' enlightening influence of the trav'ller's zeal.

POCUS.
Yes, whilst most authors travel to relate
To friends at home what dangers were their fate,

120

Our philanthropic baronet doth roam
To spread abroad what he composed at home.

HOCUS.
Out on the travelling mania that pervades
Both wives and husbands, bachelors and {maids}!
When will thy torrent, Exportation, cease,
And Britons their own mutton kill in peace?

JOCUS.
All-glorious age! the march of intellect
Produces curious wishes to inspect
All that is foreign: Cunninghame in vain

Mr. Cunningham of Harrow hath written an Address to Britons on the danger likely to arise from indulging the travelling mania.


Caution'd his countrymen, and may again.
Hobhouse, and Leigh, and Matthews, Mrs. Grahame

The names of different travellers whose works have lately been published. The list might be increased an hundred-fold.


The deaf, the dumb, the blind, and eke the lame

This is not mere hyperbole. A blind gentleman of the name of Hopland has published his travels, from which it appears he has made diligent use of his remaining senses.


Publish their travels—lo! the passion spreads,
And each, delighted, foreign regions treads.
Pachas and Viziers, all the turban'd race,
The Frenchman bowing with polite grimace,
Swarthy Italians, or the darker Copt,
Lure us the trav'lling mania to adopt;

121

No more we slumber as our fathers did,
But dare the geyser or the pyramid.

POCUS.
Oh! noble noon-day of the mind—no more
We will submit to live as those of yore;
Ere long, no doubt, cast-iron footmen may,
Impell'd by steam, our each behest obey,
Whilst the same agents all our work may do,
And those who labour now, their joys pursue.

JOCUS.
The age of reason is at hand no doubt,
Carlile and Hone will bring the change about;
Soon, doubtless, Cobbett will our senate rule,
And take the reins from weaker Liverpool,
Whilst spouting Hunt, once more at large, may bawl
To anxious list'ners in St. Stephen's hall:
Taxes unheard of; public debt expunged,
(The holders all in Lethe's torrent plunged,)
Once more Britannia may o'er Britons smile,
And peace and plenty charm her sea-girt isle;

122

Now, food's so cheap, and seasons are so fine,
John Bull, half-starved, is hardly set to dine.
Oh! Faber, prophesy—Oh! Malthus, say,
When will arrive the long-expected day,—
When will the eyes of thousands, now purblind,
Confess the sacred brilliancy of mind,—
When will each man be equal, as at birth,
And lawless mobs cry havoc o'er the earth!

HOCUS.
Ay, when December strews our fields with flowers,
Or August's snows depopulate our bowers,
When wives are faithful—lawyers honest men,
Those happy times may come—but not till then.

POCUS.
Nations decay, and fade away to nought,
Whilst their remains by curious eyes are sought.

HOCUS.
Yes! Grecian heroes little thought that Rome
Mistress of all their valleys would become;

123

And Roman governors, who shudd'ring view'd
Britannia's painted sons, and solitude,
As little would the surmise have believed
Of what we are and what we have achieved.
And, ah! ere many years shall flee away,
Perchance some distant realm may Albion sway;
Whilst Thames' wide stream may through a silent waste
Unseen, unthought of, daily hurry past;
Again may beasts of chace the precincts own
Of sylvan Hyde, or desert Marybone,
And herns and bitterns safely build their nests
Where now perchance the lordly frigate rests!
Then as some stranger from a distant shore,
Versed in what he will deem as ancient lore,
By guides, half-barb'rous, o'er the ruins led,
The sole memorials of the mighty dead,
Views prostrate columns strew the weed-clad ground
O'er which the breezes creep with moaning sound,
Thoughts such as these may throng his breast, as sighs
O'er the wild haunts of Desolation rise;—

124

“The scenes of ruin that around I scan
Tempt me to ask with doubtings—What is man?
Ye falling fanes—ye prostrate columns say—
The flutt'ring insect of a short-lived day!
Lo! from yon moss-clad, crumbling pile arise
The bittern's shriek, the wolf's appalling cries;
The noxious things of earth now fearless crawl
O'er marbled floor, and pillar-circled hall.
Here haply once the fair and tender hung
O'er notes a Stephens or a Paton sung,
Or here a list'ning senate sate to hear
A Canning lash the age with speech severe—
I once could weep—but now mine eyes are dry,
Thoughts far too deep for tears within my bosom lie.”

JOCUS.
Some future Byron may our relics view,
And paint the present and the future too;
Some Hope may gather from them scenes to fill

The Anastatius of Mr. Hope is the best novel of our time— far superior in my opinion to any of the works attributed to Sir Walter Scott. The scene being laid in a distant country hath prevented its acquiring such popularity as the Scottish novels, but the adventures of the modern Greek possess a strength and vividness in vain sought for in Waverley or any of its followers. I am sorry to be obliged to add that Anastatius is of somewhat too rosy a hue for indiscriminate perusal.


Novels his distant countrymen to thrill;
A Smedley or a Dale their pensive page

Mr. Smedley hath written several Prize and other Poems much superior to the generality of academic productions. Mr. Dale's muse is also deserving of praise; but I am sorry to say his first production (The Widow of the City of Nain) is his best. I observe he hath just announced a translation of Euripides—a bold undertaking.


Fill with the actions of the present age,

125

Or a Belzoni bring to light once more

The less Memnon, now in the British Museum, is one of those relics of antiquity so very ancient that we are inclined to doubt their being the works of art, but rather to assign them a place amongst those things created “in the beginning.” Its stupendous mass is apparently destined to brave the teeth of Time for centuries to come. Who can predict its future destiny?


Memnon, to carry to a foreign shore,
As wond'ring crowds the monstrous bust behold,
And ask what chisel could such features mould;
A knot of antiquarians may dispute
On the remains of our Achilles' foot,

This statue has excited more controversy than the most celebrated one of antiquity. I shall leave the reader to guess my opinion respecting it.


And nations wonder if his were the size
Of those who rear'd his form to mortal eyes.
And haply, too, the nearly-finish'd page
I now compose will charm a distant age,
And students, in some college yet unbuilt,
Amazed, compute the floods of ink I spilt.
Some names we have, so long to readers known,
We hardly deem their period as our own;
For instance, nature-painting Crabbe still rhimes

Mr. Crabbe's first poems were perused and approved of by Dr. Johnson, a short period before his death.


And links our years to those of Johnson's times;
Mackenzie's works, too, we can hardly join
With their's who, whilst we're eating, live and dine;
Yet both are living—both are writing too,
Whilst others daily make their first debût;

126

Galt monthly yields his quaint yet pleasing tomes,

Mr. Galt hath recently showered his works upon us with a rapidity almost unexampled—but none of his later productions equal his “Ayrshire Legatees.” He ought to remember the proverb—“More haste and worse speed.”


Colman with laughter shakes the Roscian domes;
Egan astounds with civic slang our ears,

“Life in London” hath, I trust, had its run—a run acquired not by the lame prose of Mr. Egan, but by the humourous prints by Cruickshank accompanying it.


And Bloomfield's muse unhurt by age appears;
Montgomery writes, and, void of conscious qualms,
Gives us a rosy version of the Psalms.—

Mr. Montgomery hath recently published a version of several of the psalms, certainly not quite so fanciful as Moore's “Sacred Songs.”


Wind up the list.—Each æra hath its crest,
And with some striking signet is imprest;
But age of gold and that of iron sink
Before the present age—the age of ink;
Long may it flourish—long may plenty bless
Those who are copy-caterers to the Press!

Copy is the technical term in printing-offices for the MS. or print from which the types are set.



THE END OF THE POEM.
THE END.