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The press, or literary chit-chat

A Satire [by J. H. Reynolds]

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 I. 
PART I.
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 I. 
 II. 
 III. 
 IV. 
 V. 
 VI. 
 VII. 
 VIII. 
 IX. 
 X. 
 XI. 
 XII. 
 XIII. 
 XIV. 
 XV. 
 XVI. 
 XVII. 
 XVIII. 
 XIX. 
 XX. 
 XXI. 
 XXII. 
 XXIII. 
 XXIV. 
 XXV. 
 XXVI. 
 III. 

I. PART I.


3

Byron saith “critics all are ready made,”

Vide, English Bards and Scotch Reviewers, line 46.


Therefore, though quite a novice at the trade,
I'll write a book:—ye gods, vouchsafe success!
My aim is—profit, and my theme—the Press!
The Press, that engine of the little great
To puff a quack, or overturn a state;
That mighty and magnificent machine,
At once the mouthpiece of applause and spleen.
Mine is a task so bold I almost fear
To venture onward in my mad career;

4

But I've begun, and with no timid pen
I'll even beard the critic in his den.
Scatheless I hope not from the fight to come,
Yet, though my friends advise me to be dumb,
My self-will'd pen will suffer no control—
So let the critic's harshest thunders roll,
I'll bear the brunt, and, if o'ercome, my fall
May wisdom teach not thus again to scrawl.
A century or two ago, when books
Were few and far between, like tender looks
From husbands to their wives, or, rarer far,
Scarce as conviction from a wordy war,
My thankless task had easy been; but now,
When tomes are marching hourly from “the Row,”
Ranged rank and file in strong array to meet
Levies from Albemarle or Conduit-street,
My Muse entangled midst the jostling throng
Knows not which first to honour with her song;
At last, like many a wiser head, she cries,
“Be chance my guide,” and then amuck she flies.

5

But first, in duty bound, I'll supplicate
A deadly tincture cull'd from Byron's hate,
A trifling touch of Jeffrey's northern bile,
From Lady Morgan an Athenian smile,
Then mix the three with Hazlitt's impudence,
And let who will proclaim my want of sense!
From Byron hate—what of? of all mankind;
Jaundice from Jeffrey right and wrong to blind;
Smiles, soft as Ida's, melting hearts to lure,
And self-conceit—with these success is sure:
Advance, dear Muse, nor stay another line,
The task be your's, ma'am, and the profit mine.
'Tis sweet at times, when summer's zephyr stirs
With whispers shrill the leaves of Scotia's firs,
To wander musing down some lonely glen
Far from the haunts of women and of men,
To mark the woodbine round the elm-tree creep,
Or view the moon upon the lochan sleep;

Lochan, the diminutive of Loch, a lake.


But, when stern winter with astounding howls
Like midnight caitiff round your dwelling prowls,

6

And the closed curtain trembles at his voice,
More narrow confines are the general choice.
The region of the hearth, which Cowper sung,
Is render'd vocal by the human tongue,
Gibes and retorts fly round, with playful chat,
Perhaps tea, coffee, muffins, and all that.
Fancy a room to lay before your eyes,
Not large, nor small, but of “a certain size,”

Vide, Byron's Beppo.


Fire, candles, curtains drawn, and two or three
Persons of common aspect taking tea;
Scout not the scene as neither rare nor grand,
Hear their discourse, and hearing understand.
HOCUS.
—A truce, friend Pocus, to thy sneers at Scott,
Let him enjoy in peace his happy lot,
Acting the part of marechal-volunteer,
When British kings would taste of Scottish cheer,

Many persons have sneered at the conduct of the worthy Baronet, on the occasion of the king's late Scottish excursion, as being too officious. Sir Alexander Keith certainly has some reason to be obliged to him for relieving him of a portion of his official duty as knight-marechal.


Planting his larches on Tweed's past'ral shore,
Or pilfering lintels from one ruin more,

Abbotsford, the country residence of Sir W. Scott, is situated on the banks of the Tweed, a few miles above Melrose, and exhibits a curious mélange of Gothic architecture—monastic, castellated, and domestic. Whether the thefts supposed in the text have been actually committed, I will not avouch, but certainly the idea irresistibly struck me on beholding the building. The robbery may possibly have the same excuse as Lord Elgin's Grecian depredations, viz. that of its being the means of rescuing a portion of the remains of antiquity from utter destruction—as it is unnecessary to observe that the ruins of Scotland and England, as well as those of Turkey, have always been considered fair game; and whilst a Turkish builder makes lime of the marble taken from the one, the British peasantry scruple not to erect their fences by means of stones purloined from the other.

Abbotsford is a pretty name; certainly much superior to the one originally possessed by its scite of—chuckle, oh! ye preferers of the “sweet south” to

“our northern guttural,
Which we're obliged to hiss and spit and sputter all”—
credit it, ye admirers of antiquity—of Clartyhole! Clarty is Scotch for dirty—and the owner probably having had hopes of being made one of the Scottish judges (who in the sister kingdom are called after the name of their residences) thought proper to change it—doubtless not considering Lord Dirty-hole a sufficiently dignified appellation.



7

To deck his Abbotsford: what though his play
Scarce was the town-talk for a short-lived day—

Halidon Hill, though pretty in parts, is far below the fame of Sir Walter Scott. It wants substance.


(Sad falling-off from happier times of eld
When the Last Lay or Marmion we beheld!)
Yet still his novels—

POCUS.
His perhaps they be,
But why thus clothe them all in mystery?

HOCUS.
I'm not behind the scenes, or I might tell
Of other reasons; 'tis to make them sell;
The mystic halo that around them floats
Enters the pockets of ten thousand coats,
Thick tomes are written on th' important theme;

Some person—a gentleman and a scholar into the bargain— has actually addressed a volume of letters to Mr. Heber, the lately elected member for the University of Oxford, for the purpose of proving Waverley and its followers to be by the same author as Marmion, &c. How this must amuse the real author!


And some one chuckles at the happy scheme.

POCUS.
'Tis not the first—for instance, Junius once
Addled the brains of many a learned dunce.
Think you his Letters have not gain'd a share
Of fame, because their author is but air?

8

Francis and Wilmot—

JOCUS.
Ay, the fair Olive

Olivia Wilmot, alias Serres, alias the Princess of Cumberland, alias whatever-she-pleases, wrote a book to prove Dr. Wilmot (who is or is not her father) to be the author of Junius. I never read it, nor do I intend to do so, as too much appears to have been said on such a subject. I beg leave, however, most respectfully to recommend it to the attention of Mr. J. W. Parkins, ci-devant (or to use Mr. Alderman Wood's gallicism), feu-sheriff of London, once a patron of the princess, but now, alas! ungallant enough to pronounce her a deceiver.


Hath conn'd but ill her lesson to deceive.

HOCUS.
As men will argue on a hair, each tongue
With doubts and answers to them quickly rung,
Then to contend with others in dispute
Each bought the book unwilling to be mute.
This he yclept the “great unknown” perceived,

This is the age of slang. We have slang-legal—slang-medical—slang-theological, of which more anon—slang-vital, by which I mean the jargon of “the Fancy,” or those enjoying “Life in London;”—slang-mercantile, in which a correspondent will acknowledge the receipt of your esteemed favour with one hand, and instruct his attorney to arrest you with the other—and, though last not least, slang-literary, of which the term in the text is by no means a bad specimen. For other instances of slang-literary. I refer my reader to any review or magazine that happens to be within his reach.


The trick was tried, and wonders hath achieved.
Besides, he's Scotch, and well each northern chield
Knows how to bear a brother through the field.
Though 'mongst themselves they wrangle, yet, to us,
When their worst witling writes, they make a fuss,
The magic name of countryman at once
Transforms into a wit the happy dunce.
Yet Scott hath merit that should make him shun
Laurels by such low, cunning conduct won.


9

JOCUS.
Why who can blame him? if men will be tools,
Let whoso can make money of the fools!

HOCUS.
Cornwall, too, tried this plan, but gave it up
And quaff'd but shallow draughts from Myst'ry's cup.

POCUS.
Mirandola, the meteor of a night,

I would not wish to be thought severe on Mirandola, but it hath not poetry enough for the closet, nor action sufficient to render it a favourite on the stage.


Appear'd, and then sunk far from human sight.

JOCUS.
Green-room eclât, and neighbours' friendly smile
Lured the attorney from his musty toil;
“Let me,” he cried, “forsake my briefs and writs,
And drink th' applauses of my fellow cits;
Now I may stray down Chancery-lane unseen,
But then how noble will become my mien!
As past the Six-clerks' Office I shall stride,
Faces well-known will throng the other side;

One person, at least, will understand this line.



10

Smiles, like a counsel's when he gains a cause,
Will mingle with the accents of applause;
Clerks from each office, articled or not,
Will, staring, envy me my glorious lot.
No surly doorkeeper will bid me pay
My silver fee when I would see the play,
But with an easy air, as quite at home,
I'll dare the boxes, pit, or e'en green-room!”

HOCUS.
Quiz not poor Proctor, for I much admire
His first production;—true, it hath not fire,

The first time that I read Barry Cornwall's Dramatic Scenes, appears like a delicious day-dream; one of those rosy moments which we occasionally enjoy amidst the thorny paths of life. Their author has certainly deteriorated since their publication. His Poems do not deserve to be mentioned in the same breath, nor is it easy for me to conceive them the offspring of the same mind.


But then around it such a luscious air
Of tender feeling ever hovers near,
That I had hoped for much in future tomes
To mend the manners of the drama's domes.

POCUS.
False hope, alas! Mirandola appear'd
And, though each friendly critic loudly cheer'd,
A few short hours, and his became the doom
Of consignation to the Cap'lets' tomb.


11

JOCUS.
The stage, alas! is now consign'd by all
To shows that predicate its utter fall.
To-day some pageant where the tailor's skill
Vies with the scenepainter's the breast to thrill;
To-morrow pantomimes, where oft-tried tricks
Strive the attention of the house to fix.
Perhaps some spurious farce attains a name,
And authors' puffing friends pronounce it fame—
A farce where jokes grown stale, and grim grimace
Of wit and humour occupy the place;
Or haply some gaunt drama drawls along

What are called Musical Dramas appear now the chief favourites with an English audience. The music in most of them is the only bearable part.


Its tedious length by dint of many a song.
Why write not poets plays—the first we have,
Witness full many a well-concocted stave?

HOCUS.
The others also. Milman stalks to view,
Surely some honour to his muse is due?

POCUS.
Granted—yet his is not the strain we want,
Too much between an epic and a chant;

12

With step so measured he proceeds along

Milman can write with feeling—for instance, read one or two passages in his Martyr of Antioch, and one, nearly at the commencement of his Jerusalem; but the gener ality of his productions partake too much of the stiffness of Grecian and French tragedy, without the excellencies of either.


That tedious seems his never-changing song.
Though void of rule his dramas, yet all rules
That e'er were manufactured in the schools
Appear his pawing Pegasus to rein,
Who longs to gambol in a bolder strain.

JOCUS.
If Drury's, or its neighb'ring pile were full
Of learned dunces, critical and dull,
Then he might hope success; but now, I fear,
In vain he'd strive t'invoke a single tear.

HOCUS.
Besides, it strikes me that the playwright's trade
Is apt the priest's profession to degrade;
Not that I'm strict in such things, but, alas!
These are not times to mingle with the mass
Those who are separated from it—no,
Let priests with passion make their sermons glow.

Let it not be supposed that I would have a clergyman damned for writing a play or a novel. Such a notion might pass in the days of Home, but in the nineteenth century is certainly out of date. What I would insinuate is, that I should be sorry to see our clergy generally devoting their time to such productions, and that, inasmuch as they did so, they should never lose sight of the sacred duties of their profession. See the next note.



POCUS.
Yet Maturin writes?


13

HOCUS.
He does, and ably too;
Bertram still rears his head above the crew
Of crude abortions which the stage hath bred,
Creatures no sooner born than they are dead;
Though in some parts bombastic he may seem,
Yet others amply do the fault redeem.

JOCUS.
What think you of his novels?

HOCUS.
Here, indeed,
I cannot quite so much applause concede.
His Woman is improbable and wild,
His Melmoth of a madman's brain the child,
Pity necessity should thus compel
A man of God to publish thoughts from Hell!

In the preface to his Melmoth, Maturin laments that he is obliged to gain that by novel-writing which his profession denies to him. It is certainly to be regretted that a man of his abilities, and, as I have every reason to believe, unim-peachable private character, should remain at the bottom of his profession—but let me ask him, is his publishing the blasphemous thoughts of a demoniacal madman, like “the Wanderer,” likely to improve his clerical prospects?



POCUS.
Compel, indeed! what damning reason ought
To have such power when with such danger fraught?


14

HOCUS.
Not one; but such the temper of the day,
These are the sort of books most apt to pay.
The ear of public feeling hath become
So dull, that he who shrieks not is thought dumb;

Novelty, novelty, novelty, is the cry of the day. The prevailing epidemic is a most ravenous cacoethes after whatever is strange or outrée. Byron is head caterer-general.


Out-Herod Herod is the general cry—
Methinks that many now to do this try.
There's Lady—I forget her name—who wrote
Glenarvon—

Lady C. Lambe has lately, by her “Graham Hamilton,” somewhat relieved the world of the apprehensions for her sanity, excited by her former novel.



POCUS.
(That book held its antidote.
Though 'twas a tender tale, yet 'twas so wild,
Where was the brain that could be so beguiled?)

HOCUS.
And many more, Godwin and Byron both
Deal out excitement with a hand not loth.

JOCUS.
First of the former: there in Godwin's works
Is something to draw feeling out of Turks;
Their tendency, alas! I cannot praise,
'Tis to teach man to curse his lengthen'd days.

Godwin is a complete veteran in literary annals. His Caleb Williams appears like an old friend, and recalls a thousand thoughts to the imagination; and his St. Leon—who can read it unmoved? His last production of the novel species, Mandeville, is an able description of the disorder of a diseased mind. But who is there that does not regret that powers of such first-rate order should be devoted to such worse than unprofitable subjects?



15

Byron demands a longer notice—

So much has been written and said about Byron, that I shall not enlarge upon my text, farther than by saying, that, if he continue to inundate us with his mysteries, and heavy tragedies, it will require something even beyond the name of Byron to enable him to maintain his place in the scale of public opinion.



HOCUS.
Yes, my friend,
When he is named, what thoughts within me blend!
Of passion plighted, and of vows forgot,
Of all the mis'ries of the exile's lot,
Of friends forsaken, woo'd again, and next
Extracts from Barrow and Boccaccio mixt!
His Juan is the index of his mind,
There all its contradicting parts we find,
Now he will rave of love, devotion, woe,—
In the next line a sneer on each bestow.

POCUS.
Such is the man, and, with a fiend-like clasp,
Methinks he hath the world within his grasp,
The bas-bleu world, I mean, those knowing wights
Who half adore whatever Byron writes,
Rapt unto blindness by his dazzling spell—

JOCUS.
Query—Where does this magic influence dwell?


16

POCUS.
Partly, because the vain and wayward Childe
Unbar'd before the world his passions wild,
The deep recesses of his breast exposed,
And all his follies, griefs, and fears disclosed;
He made himself the hero of his song,
The novel plan transfix'd the list'ning throng,
Soon he became the common topic—then,
Who could neglect the offspring of his pen?—

JOCUS.
This was the plan Rousseau pursued to lure
The Gauls t' enlist beneath his flag impure.—

HOCUS.
Byron, too, warbles in a strain above
Each common songster in th' Aonian grove;
A fearlessness—a species of delight
Against each old opinion to wage fight—
First he half-makes us think as he does; next
With some strange paradox we are perplex'd,

17

At length we throw aside the book, and cry,
A riddle both the bard and poetry.

JOCUS.
How he lash'd Jeffrey!

HOCUS.
Yes! and others, too,
As well as him of “saffron and of blue.”

JOCUS.
Methinks, when Jeffrey read the twinging book,

Craigcrook is the name of Mr. Jeffries' country-house a few miles from Edinburgh. It is a picturesque old building, finely sheltered by thriving plantations, not far from the range of Pentland Hills; though I believe those forming a part of the domain are called the Costorphine.


How he would frown upon thy walls, Craigcrook!
The neighb'ring woods would darker grow the while,
And Fortha's glitt'ring bosom cease to smile.

HOCUS.
Alas, for Jeffrey! he so idle grows,
Courting on Pentland's braes demure repose,
That the Review, to other hands consign'd,
No longer owns the chieftain's mightier mind.

POCUS.
Who fill his place?


18

HOCUS.
Men of little note,
With just enough of learning to misquote;
Men with whom sophistry may pass for sense,
Bless'd with no scanty lot of impudence.
Horner no longer charms us with a store

The late Mr. Horner, M. P. for Saint Mawes, was a considerable contributor to the Edinburgh Review in its better days. He died at Pisa in Tuscany, and is, I believe, buried there.


Of classic sweets cull'd from a Roman shore,
But there his bones revolving years consume,
Whilst rapt admirers linger near his tomb:
Hazlitt now fills the void.

JOCUS.
Oh, jaunty wight,
Shining in aught that thou essay'st to write,
Mighty and wonderful thy name shall be
From Chelsea Reach unto the river Lea!
Oft in one man we've seen one virtue shine,
In thee, great Hazlitt, what a host combine:

Mr. H. is undoubtedly possessed of considerable talents, and can write in a lively, amusing style.—An additional recommendation—where his jokes fail to excite a laugh, his self-conceit is sure to elicit a smile.


At once wit, critic, painter, politician,
And, eke, a moralist and rhetorician!

19

Lord of the happy limits of Cockaign,
With lengthen'd empire o'er thy subjects reign;
May thy deep Essays teach them how to live,
Thy wit delight to all their moments give;
Long may'st thou strut along th' admiring street,
Receiving homage from each cit you meet!

POCUS.
You would not have him take the throne of Leigh,
That would be worse, my friend, than treachery—

JOCUS.
Ah! I forgot the true legitimate
King of the cockneys' literary state;
Yet as a viceroy Hazlitt still may reign
Whilst the chief monarch dares the raging main.

Leigh Hunt has been voted by common consent chief of a knot of author's christened in Blackwood's Magazine, the Cockney School. We are threatened with a periodical miscellany from the pens of Hunt and Byron, in which the prematurely cut off Shelley was to have taken a part. The morality of Childe Harold, and the politics of the Examiner will be well met.



HOCUS.
When is the offspring of his royal tour
Its triple sweets upon our coast to pour?

POCUS.
One of the trio is no more: of him
Let silence be the fittest requiem;

20

And when the others send the promised treat,
Doubtless as profitable as discreet,
Is hard to tell—I doubt if either can
Say when mature will prove the vaunted plan.

Since the text was written, “the Liberal” has made its appearance. I will not say that “the Licentious” would be a more appropriate title, but cannot help thinking there is yet principle and good sense enough left in England for that to be the general opinion. In point of literary merit the number that has been published is greatly below mediocrity, and, unless the succeeding ones improve, it will most probably die a natural death. If to endeavour to bring into contempt all institutions, sacred and political, be wise; if to abuse the living and vilify the dead, be liberal; if to swear at revelation, and make a jest of religion be judicious, I shall admire the work; but till this be the case, I shall not hesitate to pronounce it a production as impious and disgraceful in its principles, as it is contemptible in a literary point of view.



HOCUS.
Harold and Rimini, a noble pair,
Will not the first time meet in union there;
The Dedication—

JOCUS.
Ah! the poignant page
To mark the “fellow-feeling” of the age!

Vide the egotistical dedication of Hunt's Rimini to Lord Byron. “Foliage” is the affected title of a volume of poems by the former.


Peeping through “Foliage” new Don Juans may,
Haply conceal'd, their modest gambols play;
Whilst Manfreds with Leanders boldly stalk
Or Heros with Gulnares together walk.
Thrice happy book to make the nations free,
And teach benighted Englishmen to see!

POCUS.
Who'll usher forth the numbers—Murray fears
To draw a hurley-burley round his ears?


21

JOCUS.
From the pure purlieus of famed Catherine-street

The Examiner Office is in Catherine-street; and so are sundry and divers of those houses of a certain description, generally found in the vicinity of a theatre, and not the least in that of Drury Lane.


Perchance may issue the expected treat.

HOCUS.
Fit soil for such a plant—oh! may it ne'er
Inhale the breezes of a purer air!
Whilst the Examiner deplores its price
Reduced, not par necessité, but choice;
The magic essays shall the press revive,
And teach the brothers how in wealth to live.
A glorious couple, hand in hand they'll start,
This to convince the head, that sap the heart;
Gaunt Twop'nny's ashes phœnix-like will rise

Who will not recognise under this title the weekly miscellany entitled the Indicator, now, alas! defunct? It was certainly an unique production, and contained a convenient code of morality. The expression “boy Johnnys” may possibly remind the reader of a sublime poem of Mr. Leigh Hunt's addressed to his son, and commencing somewhat in the following strain:—

Hey ninny nonney,
My boy Johnny.
and that of “bas-bleu washerwomen,” of a learned essay on that useful class of womankind, by Hunt or Hazlitt, which appeared in that delectable collection yclept “The Round Table,”—not of King Arthur, but of King Leigh.


By the “great union's” aid to mortal eyes;
Boy Johnnys yet unborn will own its sway,
And bas-bleu washerwomen bless the day!

POCUS.
Oh! for a blast to sink the noxious freight,
And crush the viper ere it meet our sight!


22

HOCUS.
Enough! my friend; suppose we turn to books
Worthy, perchance, of more approving looks?

POCUS.
With all my heart, friend Hocus, I had much
Rather avoid obnoxious tomes to touch,
But he, who, pluckless, hesitates to blame,
Applauses—or, at least, th' effect's the same.

HOCUS.
Lo! from a trans-atlantic realm approach
Two bulky bales—their hidden stores we'll broach.
Ah! these are Sketches fit for British use,

The “Sketch-book” of Geoffrey Crayon is undoubtedly one of the best works of a light nature that the press has produced for some years; and its successor, “Bracebridge Hall,” is heir to many of its merits.


Though from a clime and press far less profuse;
True English sentiments pervade each page:
Not those now crawling o'er our tainted age,
But such as ruled old England in her prime,
In the old-fashion'd and “good olden time.”

POCUS.
Welcome the strangers to a British shore,
And of such cargoes let us hope for more!


23

HOCUS.
Now on the feet of Fancy let us stroll
To where the torrents of the mountain roll.
Lo! to our eyes what lovely scenes appear,
The rocky valley and the lonely mere,
The copse-girt meadow and the woody scaur,
Whilst snow-capt mountains rear their heads afar.

JOCUS.
This is a land of poesy and song,
Proclaim the bards to whom these vales belong.

HOCUS.
Not few or nameless are they. View yon rock
Seeming the relic of chaotic shock,
Though now with verdure clad, so strangely wild
Crag above crag, and peak o'er peak is piled;
Beneath it gurgling rills now court the view,
Then hide themselves 'midst flowers of ev'ry hue.

POCUS.
Ah! 'tis a scene a poet to delight,
And make him tuneful of his stars in spite!


24

HOCUS.
In yonder modest mansion Wordsworth dwells
Framing fresh Waggoners and Peter Bells;
Wordsworth, at once philosopher and child,
The sport of every thought however wild.
Behold in yon secluded hazel'd glen
A wight who stops, proceeds, then stops again;
Approach—a moss obtains his musing care,
Anon, his fancy mounts into the air,
And in a boat, in lieu of Pegasus,

Wordsworth's “little boat” must be fresh in the recollection of all who have read his “Peter Bell.” The exultation he expresses on acquiring it is truly worthy of the subject.

“And now I have a little boat!”


He takes a voyage, far and perilous,
From sphere to sphere—now like a shooting star
He falls to earth from out his fragile car,
And with yon blue-eye'd babe, that idly strays
Searching for gaudy flowers, the poet plays.

JOCUS.
Such is the man, and such the author too,
Yet oft he painteth with a pen so true
That Mem'ry starteth as she views, the while,
And deems that scenes of former pleasures smile.


25

HOCUS.
A few short miles, and, under Skiddaw's brow,
Where Derwent's fairy mirror floats below
Midst shelt'ring bowers, enlaurell'd Southey's home
Uprears to view its hospitable dome.
Far from the jar of courts he whiles the time
With hist'ry's treasures, or the sweets of rhyme.

JOCUS.
Oh! that his Vision had not met the eyes
Of those who study but to criticise!

POCUS.
Yes, 'tis a foolish thing, unfit to tread
The path that Madoc or stern Rod'rick led.
His Laureate Odes too—

JOCUS.
Are but mawkish trash,
To publish them was impudent and rash.

POCUS.
He can write ably, both in prose and verse,
The latter tuneful, and the former terse.
Like you his Life of Wesley?


26

HOCUS.
No, not much,
'Tis not a fitting theme for him to touch;
A compilation crude he hath but made,
Too like the common garbage of “the trade.”
Southey should stick to Spain; he's there au fait,
And with auspicious guidance makes his way.

JOCUS.
Either too fond of writing, or of pelf,
He volumes writes unworthy of himself;
His rivals chuckle, and his foemen laugh,
Hoping his grain will soon be hid by chaff.

POCUS.
Admire you Christabelle—the Christabelle?

Coleridge's Christabelle is—what I am unable to describe. Well does it deserve the definite article bestowed upon it by its author, as it certainly is an unique production, unlike any thing “in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or in the waters under the earth.” The following lines will be understood by those who have perused it, and the “curiosities” at the end of it.



HOCUS.
Not in the least; it is a driv'lling tale
Without a line of beauty to atone
For crowing cocks, or mastiff bitches' moan;
'Tis arrant nonsense—so are both the scraps
Tack'd at the end, purloin'd from broken naps.

27

Who would imagine that the self-same wight
Remorse as well as Christabelle could write?

JOCUS.
“'Tis strange, 'tis passing strange—”

POCUS.
His Mariner
Is what can never from the mem'ry stir;
Though wild beyond compare, it somehow tells,
And to admire each wond'ring mind compels.

JOCUS.
In every work they write, how odd it is
These Lakish poets seem to woo the quiz!

POCUS.
Such is the case; their imitators too
Always hang out this sign to catch the view.
Thus Lloyd is smitten with the same disease,

Let it not be supposed that I have a mean opinion of Mr. Lloyd's genius, or the offspring of his muse; it is his mannerism to which I object. His translation of Alfieri is certainly one of the best translations into our own or any other language.


Hoping by quaintnesses the world to please.

HOCUS.
He shines most in translation—


28

POCUS.
Also Lambe,

Lambe is also a pleasing writer, but egregiously affected. His “Mr. H.” possesses excellencies as a farce, that induce me to wish its author would devote himself to such a species of writing, instead of mawkish tales, or such vapid and thoroughly ridiculous articles as most of those “Elia” writes in the London Magazine.


Whom Covent Garden once contrived to damn.

HOCUS.
His Farce you mean: 'tis better than the mass
Of flitting dramas that before us pass.
His tales are so affected in their style
That oft, in lieu of tears, they cause a smile.
Wilson, though freer from the Lakish cant,

Wilson's muse is agreeable, but not of the first order. Let us hope that in his future productions he will be less profuse of vulgar oaths, than in his “City of the Plague.”


Is still a little Lakish in his chant.
His City of the Plague is but De Foe
Deprived in part of his too ardent glow.

POCUS.
How like you Croly?

HOCUS.
He is much too fine,
And far too gorgeous in his lavish line;
His beauties are o'erwrought, and sober sense
Sinks 'neath a cloud of epithets so dense;

29

His Paris least, of all his works, abounds
In this unmeaning march of empty sounds.

JOCUS.
A truce to converse.—What rich measures greet
Our raptured ears so musically sweet?
With art insidious through our veins they steal,
And beating pulses all their influence feel;
Brows flush'd with passion; frequent deep-drawn sighs,
Ecstatic lustre in the melting eyes,
Proclaim the tenor of the dang'rous lay,
And Prudence cries, Forbear the strain to play.

HOCUS.
This oft hath Prudence cried when tomes of Moore
Have sought our clime from Erin's em'rald shore,
But cried in vain—the bard still fondly woos
A loosely-girdled and immodest muse,
Yet woos so sweetly, that we almost deem
The verse atones for the too dang'rous theme.

30

Cease favour'd Child of Song, while yet 'tis time,
Tinge with less rosy hues thy luscious rhime;
Youth needs no lay like thine to warm his soul,
But more demands chill caution, and control.
Music and poetry like thine pervade
Too oft the bosom of the blooming maid,
Rapt by the themes, insidious tempters gain
What else they might have sought, but sought in vain.
As round the coiling reptile of the west
A fascinating vapour seems to rest

The anecdotes of the powers of fascination possessed by many of the serpent tribe, are too incredibly authenticated to be doubted.


Lulling his victim to an early tomb—
Thus treach'rous flowers around Moore's verses bloom;
Dreams, ah! too pleasing creep upon the sense
Till waking thought deplores lost innocence.

POCUS.
Oh! that his lays like Campbell's shone serene,
Whose muse is lovely and of modest mien!

31

When o'er his strain my musing fancy hangs,
Hope sweetly soothes the wounds of Sorrow's fangs,
Virtue and Innocence, oh, lovely pair!
Seem like twin spirits hov'ring in the air,
Each thought of present sorrow flies away
As Hope proclaims a brighter, future day.

JOCUS.
Campbell, devoted to his Magazine,
Produces verses few and far between;
Alas! that genius such as his should waste
Its strength and sweetness where 'tis so misplaced!
He ought to leave the Monthly to a mind
Somewhat more versatile, and less refined:
The work would renovate, and we again
Might hear at least one sweet and blameless strain,
Such as were sung of pale O'Connor's child,
Or Gertrude, as her native forests wild.

HOCUS.
Behold two bards in garb and gait antique
Strike the loud chords with fingers far from weak;

32

Barton and Wiffen. In this rhiming age

Wiffen's “Aonian Hours” is a pleasing imitation of the milder parts of “Childe Harolde's Pilgrimage.” Some of the odes of Bernard Barton (one “To the Gallic Eagle,” in particular) are worthy of being mentioned along with those of the authors I have named, and this is no mean praise.


E'en solemn Quakers dare the elder's rage;
The accents of the lyre have gain'd at last
The shade repulsive of their beavers vast.
Wiffen, though imitator, sweetly sings,
And beauties fresh o'er Ampthil's forests flings;
Barton hath struck a more aspiring lyre,
And woos at once Moore's softness and Gray's fire;
May they in part unstarch those solemn sons
Who seem constructed like automatons!

JOCUS.
The wish I second: though I much commend
The calculating coldness of a friend,

The primitive air, and what I can call by no milder name than apparent total absorption of the warmer feelings of the heart, visible in most Quakers, have often struck me as matters of surprise; more especially as I have not unseldom found the direct opposite of the last quality in the female part of their community, under whose modest garb often beats a heart alive to every tender sensation, softened down by a mildness of behaviour irresistibly attractive.


Yet I confess his vest and air uncouth
Too much excite the smiles and jeers of youth.

POCUS.
Cease your discourse, my friends; I hear a strain
Of mingled clamor echoing o'er the plain.
Hark to the Babel! let us mark the throng
As jostling, squabbling, they proceed along.
Who be they?


33

JOCUS.
Know you not the mighty clan?
In garb of brown great Gifford leads the van;
Four times a year he sends his great guns forth,
To meet the cannons of the colder north.

POCUS.
Now I divine your meaning: come, relate
Your thoughts of these great guardians of the state.

JOCUS.
Too arduous task; they hardly know their own,
And alter oft at quarter-day their tone.

POCUS.
We faults will pardon—

JOCUS.
Well then, I'll essay
To tell a scene I saw the other day.
'Twas eve, and, whether sleeping or awake,
I know not; but I chanced a stroll to take
Across an ample plain of verdant sward,
Doubtless on purpose for some fight prepared,

34

Nor long I wander'd, ere before me sprung
Hosts such as Homer or as Tasso sung,
Mighty and numerous,—oh! Muse, be kind,
And with fit energy inspire my mind!
Two rival armies fought beneath my sight,
And I, methought, was umpire of the fight;
An inch and quarter taller than I'm wont
To stand, I stood before the embattled front.
Stern Gifford was field-marshal on one side,

The Quarterly and Edinburgh Reviews may be considered respectively as at the head of the ministerial and opposition sides of the periodical press.


And well his pen in place of spear he plied.
A numerous host in solemn brown array'd,
His body-guard, their ink-fill'd pens display'd;
Though strong in limb, and form'd for stubborn blows,
In active speed they yielded to their foes,
A brawny clan who wore loose kilts of blue,
Which saffron limbs beneath exposed to view:
These were good skirmishers, though oft they bled,
Too forward by their daring chieftain led,
A man of slender stature, yet whose eye
Spoke him fit ruler of the company.

35

Leagued with the Browns, an heterogeneous rank
Of merry Scots composed the dexter flank;

Blackwood's Magazine has effected quite a revolution in the stile of our magazines, inasmuch as it has engrafted the chit-chat familiarity of our older English essayists on the grave stock of magazines in general. It is to be regretted that its conductors sometimes value their joke more than their friend, and too often suffer their pages to be polluted by articles more fit for Billingsgate than Parnassus.


A hardy crew, who ofttimes, as in sport,
Lash'd their own party as they fearless fought;
Their ruler held an eb'ny wand aloft,
Though at this badge his followers frequent scoff'd,
Yet, if a foe the truncheon dared to touch,
Soon they compell'd him 'neath their feet to crouch.

POCUS.
Who were opposed to these?

JOCUS.
A blundering band,

Constable's Magazine is a sort of preparatory school for the writers in the Edinburgh Review. It is a harmless work, tinged pretty deeply with the œrugo of the old Scot's Magazine: in short, an excellent soporific.


Led by a Constable, so spoke his wand;
In olive dress'd, they fought beside the Blues,
And much their blunders did my mind amuse;
Half of their weapons were consumed with rust,
And soon as brandish'd crumbled into dust.
Gifford was flank'd upon the left by one

It is to be regretted that Campbell devotes himself to a task for which he is evidently but indifferently qualified— that of editor of a magazine. The politics of the New Monthly Magazine can hardly be said to wear a decided tone, and hence the remarks in the text.


Who knew full well to wake the trumpet's tone;

36

When he blew forth the proud heroic swell,
The charging hosts obey'd the summons well;
Anon he changed his note, and sprung a blast
That made the eyes of each towards home be cast:
Then, with a master's skill, he turn'd the tone,
And sighs o'er absent joys no more were thrown,
But Hope a splendid pageant held afar
Fraught with the warrior's pleasures after war.

POCUS.
How did he fight?

JOCUS.
But ill, for, wanting brass,
Inferior penmen did him much surpass;
Besides, his followers were badly train'd,
And ofttimes tim'rous in the rear remain'd;
Some were but lukewarm in the cause, a few
Doff'd the brown garb, and put on kilts of blue.
The Blues had one ally, a band who fought
Much as a tribe of madmen would, I thought;

37

A kind of half Don Quixote, half Tom Paine,

Sir Richard Phillips is certainly a bold man in literary warfare, aad puffs himself and his publications in a stilc worthy of Mr. Bish, or Messrs. Day aad Martin. It is, perhaps, not generally known that he is endeavouring to promulgate a system of the universe, by which Sir Isaac Newton is proved—a dunce, and Sir Richard Phillips—a philosopher!


With hardy valour led the curious train;
The spurs of gold proclaim'd he had been dubbed,
And thus he spoke,—“My friends, we here are clubbed
To drive the common foe from Reason's field,
Therefore let each a willing weapon wield;
Away with rule—restraint was ne'er design'd
To curb the energies of Nature's mind.
Man is a being form'd alone to judge;
Notions of right and wrong are nought but fudge;
Though I'm your leader, yet I lead you not,
Therefore each troop may choose its rallying spot;
I spurn all rules by our forefathers made,
For rules do nought but man and beast degrade!”
Ah, luckless speech! his steed, a free born horse,
Heard and approved the noble-toned discourse,
Threw the bold knight in air with sturdy kick,
Whilst e'en his friends rejoiced to see the trick;

38

Then to the foes, ah! shameless, turn'd its tail,
And, snorting, snuff'd the carrion-tainted gale!
Meanwhile the rival combatants advanced,
Flags waved, pens lapp'd the ink, and chargers pranced.
Against the hosts of Gifford first came on
A tribe of cockneys, led, I thought, by one

The London Magazine is a most unequal work, containing a few pieces of real excellence amidst the vilest trash, insomuch that I am induced to presume the selection of articles from the contributors' box is left to the printer's devil, or the under-porter of Messrs. Hessey and Taylor. It is reported, (for I am not behind the curtain), that Barry Cornwall has a share in its editorship, or at least is a frequent contributor to its pages. For an elucidation of line 569, I refer the reader to a passage in one of the essays contained in the second volume of Hazlitt's “Table-Talk.” The elaboratory where the London Magazine is concocted is, I believe, in the ward of Farringdon Without, and, this being the case, it is presumed the epithet Train-Bands is not inappropriate.—Allan Cunninghame and John Clare, also, I am informed, contribute to its pages. Of the one it may be said he is a real poet— of the other, a neat stitcher together of rhimes, and certainly, considering circumstances, a surprising man.


Who had a flonkie verd and, such a lamp!
It beat each coruscation of each swamp,
Each gas-light, whether bat's-wing or argand,
Or e'en the lamp that made Aladdin grand!
One or two strangers from the country fought
With this bright band from Farringdon Without,
But seem'd half conscious of a sense of guilt
At leaguing thus beneath the azure kilt.
One from the border-land of war and song
Seem'd by his tone and aspect to belong;
His friend appear'd of England's milder clime,
Uncouth his aspect, but well-made his rhime.
Often the trainbands pointed to this pair,
And said by these we hope some fame to share.


39

POCUS.
Were these the whole?

JOCUS.
Oh! no; in bands of ten
And tens of thousands others throng'd the plain.

I might have brought many more periodicals into the field, of various degrees of merit—magazines, reviews, registers, gazettes, councils of ten, &c. &c. &c.—from Pall-Mall, the Strand, Cornhill, Threadneedle Street, and other resorts of the Muses; but I was afraid of crowding my field of battle with raw recruits and undisciplined troops—so let them rest in peace, as, I pray the gods, they will permit me and mine!



POCUS.
How turn'd the scales of war?

JOCUS.
I cannot tell;
Nought struck my ear but dying warriors' yell,
My eyes saw nought but clouds of densest smoke,
As I from day-dream or from sleep awoke.

POCUS.
Bravo! my Jocus; after such a sight,
Our common chit-chat will, I fear, prove trite,
Besides 'tis twelve o'clock, and so, good night!

END OF PART I.