University of Virginia Library

Grubb.

Grubb thinks and talks and brags from morn till night
Of money, money, money. Grubb is right.
Grubb cuts a figure now: but take away
His money—what were left of Grubb, I pray?

An Incalculable Man.

Dump's grand stupidity is such,
No genius could surprise so much;
What it may think or say or do
Guess not: 'tis boundless, ever new!

Squirmley.

If I could hate thee, Squirmley, thus I'd curse—
“Remain thyself!”—I could not wish thee worse.

Mellita.

She praises every one,
So sweetly!—but, when done,
They who praise all, praise none.

A Distinguished Man.

James has a kind of half or third-part face,
And even thus much as it were by grace;
He should, with such a character as his,
Be scarce more featured than a wig-block is.
Now, he's distinguish'd; for no sheep-dog knows
One bleater, as the woolly torrent flows,
More surely than the loving wife of James
Amongst the crowd of men her husband claims.

[I loved A. B. yet my praise was cool.]

I loved A. B. yet my praise was cool.
I flatter'd X. Y. and thought him a fool.

Promptus.

Trifles, but done with such easy ability:
What he must have in reserve! . . . If you knew,—
That's his particular merit, facility;
Grant a millennium, there's all he could do.

Long Shadow.

A man three hundred miles away
Threw shade across the sunny day;
His loveless looks, his cold replies,
Darken'd the ground and dimm'd the skies.

Dictatorius.

“What! happy in your own way, fool,
And never went to me to school!
Yourself, not me, you may deceive so;
Happy you're not, tho' you believe so.”

Veterator.

You know him a rogue, and you keep him your friend;
Shall we pity you when you are bit in the end?

Profit and Loss.

John makes ten pound a day: but John, ifakes!
Loses a day for each ten pound he makes.

Dorr.

Dorr through his life has been content to wait
In lazy hopes of doing something great;
In practice null, in theory surprising,
Dorr sleeps till noon to dream of early rising.

Corpulentus.

Hope not to dominate by bulk,
Tho' tall of stature, huge of hulk!
I've known a portlier man than you,—
The biggest fool I ever knew.

Jactator.

Don't look so bold and talk so loud, my friend!
You're not so much alive as you pretend.

Dives.

Charitable do you say,
Dives is?—content to pay
Three per cent. for commutation
Of love in life and conversation.

Flibb.

“Life is a jest,”—Flibb finds this true.
His is a mighty dull one too.

[In counting “ruin'd” men, we seldom guess]

In counting “ruin'd” men, we seldom guess
How many have been ruin'd by success.

[The Chief Malefactors of the time]

The Chief Malefactors of the time
Have never once committed a crime;
To look for them, do not lower your eyes,
But lift them to the social skies.

[Louche plays the honest and high-minded man]

Louche plays the honest and high-minded man,
Almost as cleverly as mortal can;
And yet one plainly sees, through all his art,
That Louche is not well-fitted with his part.

[“The Devil take him!”—nay, Old Nick]

“The Devil take him!”—nay, Old Nick,
Believe me, knows a better trick.
False, plausible, malignant, clever,—
“My dear,” says Satan, “live for ever!”

George.

Of early rising George great boast doth make;
But, all day through, George is but half awake.

Donans.

Yes, you give gifts, yourself you never give;
So thanks, but never gratitude, receive.

Tumidus.

His body, voice, and gesture are so strong,
You think his will is also; but you're wrong.
Self-will he has; but then the Self is weak,
And knows not where to go, or what to seek.

Frank Rascal.

“I have some right to scorn the world indeed,
Where men like me (I know myself) succeed:
Why should I spare it?—Yours be virtue's meed!
Come to me for a dinner if you need.”

Jay.

Jay, having done a vile thing, goes away
And boasts of it; whereafter, people say
“Ah, his own tale—and what a liar is Jay!”
Yes, we may reckon him a liar indeed
Who can make truth a first-rate lie at need,
And by being known as liar doth so succeed.

Grunch.

Grunch, being sold to the Devil,
Would fain think everything evil,
Make lord and master of all
The Demon that holds him in thrall.

Brisk.

Brisk's a very industrious man, it is true;
But most that he does, 'twere well not to do.

Click.

Click's brain is small, but hung
Close at the back of his tongue;
His best without waiting you hear;
No better, and give him a year.

Tompkins.

Billy Tompkins is a fool;
Billy Tompkins looking cool,
Pray how should this be anything to me?
Yet in Tompkins looking cool,
Though I know he is a fool,
I am ready something ominous to see.

Crœsulus.

Keep what you've got. But hark'ee, wealthy sir!
Be proud in secret; make but little stir.
Your overshare should fill your heart with shame.
Let toleration be your utmost claim.

On a Tradesman.

[“Adulteration is a form of Competition”]

“ Adulteration is a form of Competition”
Saith a British Manufacturer and Statesman;
Shall we write upon his monument the sentence?
There are many who will frankly hold it wisdom;
There are some who may interpret it more subtly,
“British Trade is more or less a form of Cheating.”

To an Egg-Merchant.

What the deuce is your use? You nothing produce,
You never lay eggs. O, you're a transmitter.
If A has an egg intended for me,
He hands it to B, B to C, C to D,
D to E, E to me—who pay, after A,
B, C, D, and E, for stopping the way;
For surely 'twere fitter A's egg and my penny
Changed hands without paying a toll to so many,
Which terribly docks Farmer A of his gain,
While of eggs far from fresh I often complain.

Brown and Green.

Mr. Brown, Mr. Green, are precisely an age;
By the register so we are priggishly told.
One noteworthy fact it omits from its page,—
Brown never was young; Green will never be old.

To my Friend Edward.

To say “All . . . are rogues,” dear Ned,
Were rash; and so I leave the words unsaid.

To my Friend Matthew.

To call a . . what he is, dear Mat,
Were too severe; we will not call him that.

To my Friend Daniel.

Say, have you ever known a truthful man,
But me? I have not, save yourself, dear Dan.
And we can sometimes lie. I know I can.