University of Virginia Library

BIDDY.

Painted Biddy
Was a most distracting widdy,
Who had served in many schools
And was trying
Ere she turned to thoughts of dying
How to sit upon two stools;
And to make the best and utmost
Of both worlds, with wide maternity;
Not by any chance to miss
Those hot pleasures, which abut most
On this side of the Abyss
In eternity.
O her unconfounded face
Was a beacon and a landmark,
Blazing like a warming-pan
Or a copper kitchen-can,
Till it left each haunted place
Dry and dusty with the sand-mark
Of an ever ebbing sea.
She was mighty too at tea,
And her tattle
Spared not any
Of the many,
When she sniffed from far the battle,
And disdained the orphan's plea.
Like a pestilence she travelled
Up and down, at Devil's tasks,
With a dozen different masks
Lean and louring
And devouring
All who came within her reach
And remained to hear her preach
Of the plots she had unravelled.
Woe to even the bravest parson,
When upon the wartrack keen
Biddy breathing death and arson
Was to his confusion seen!
Soon he felt he was post-dated,
Scalped and scotched, eviscerated
By her blarney;
While the widdy snuffed and snorted,
Till he wished himself transported
(If she only came not thither)
Anywhither—
To Killarney.
She was equal to the best,
And no lawyer
Or top-sawyer
Was her match, as all confest.
Yet she loved the stole and cassock
In her way,
And kept clean and nigh a hassock
Of a solemn
Cut and colour,
Where a priestly friend might pray;
Then her voice assumed the dolour
Of a pallid penitent,
And she rose up like a column
Of the dear Establishment.
In subscription
Lists, her name was always foremost;
And she once gave her Egyptian
Bonds or plagues, but yet her own,
To the cause which they adore most
Who on Temperance have grown.
Painted Biddy,
Though a widdy,
Had a host of hot admirers
(Quite perspirers)
Ready to divide the spoil
Which they fancied she possest,
With a maximum of toil
And a minimum of rest.
So they liked to fetch and follow,
And upon a courteous leg
Bow and beg;
Though I knew the nut was hollow,
And a maggot
Merely occupied the shell.
If she boasted
Of her riches and her hoard,
Yet her nose smelt out the faggot
Where she would be rightly toasted
(Though a member of our Board)
Down in h—ll!
But she had a virtuous blending
With some honey,
And secreted not pure gall;
She was generous in spending
Others' money,
Squeezing from them by her wiles
And those false affected smiles,
At her pleasure,
Coin and credit without measure—
Quite a bankful,
Coal and beeftea and good wine
And the choicest things in raiment
(For her sugared words repayment);
But was then alas! unthankful,
And continued still to whine,
Still to ask and still went further;
While her victims thought of murther
And still somehow kept on giving
More and more
To her never-sated store,
And men wondered they were living.
For refusal led to slander
New and old,
With infractions of the Bible;
And our careful Alexander,
Though a copper-smith, dropt gold—
To escape her thirst for libel.
And her name, despite her nature,
Was uplifted
As the sifted
Precious grain, by every Press-cat
And the local legislature;
Till the journals, which she read,
Praised the Lord that she was dead
With a snuffling “Requiescat.”
And cried Amen,
Clerks and laymen.