Nuptial Dialogues and Debates Or, An Useful Prospect of the felicities and discomforts of a marry'd life, Incident to all Degrees, from the Throne to the Cottage. Containing, Many great Examples of Love, Piety, Prudence, Justice, and all the excellent Vertues, that largely contribute to the true Happiness of Wedlock. Drawn from the Lives of our own Princes, Nobility, and other Quality, in Prosperity and Adversity. Also the fantastical Humours of all Fops, Coquets, Bullies, Jilts, fond Fools, and Wantons; old Fumblers, barren Ladies, Misers, parsimonious Wives, Ninnies, Sluts and Termagants; drunken Husbands, toaping Gossips, schismatical Precisians, and devout Hypocrites of all sorts. Digested into serious, merry, and satyrical Poems, wherein both Sexes, in all Stations, are reminded of their Duty, and taught how to be happy in a Matrimonial State. In Two Volumes. By the Author of the London Spy [i.e. Edward Ward] |
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| II. |
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| V. | Dialogue V. Between a wealthy Niggard, and his generous Termagant.
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| XXX. |
| XXXI. |
| XXXII. |
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| XXI. |
| XXII. |
 | Nuptial Dialogues and Debates |  |
34
Dialogue V. Between a wealthy Niggard, and his generous Termagant.
Wife.What do you mean, my Dear, d'ye think I'll wear
A Grogram Stuff, as coarse as Camels Hair,
Such that I'm sure my very Maid would scorn,
Fit only by some Ale-wife to be worn?
Not I, indeed, pray take your home-spun Drug,
And give your Present to some Country Jug:
Let me have Money from your Hoard, that I
May go and chuse what best will please my Eye.
D'ye think, old Niggard, you shall buy my Cloaths,
Or bring me to the wear of such as those?
No, you shall sooner find, that I'll, by Stealth,
Force thro' your Locks to your imprison'd Wealth,
Make your Trunks fly, unseal your mouldy Bags,
Ere I'll be us'd to homely Stuffs or Rags.
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Prithee, be patient, Love, you can't but know
Taxes are very high, and Rents but low;
The Times are hard, Wives should not be so proud,
Money grows scarce; come, come, the Stuff is good
Don't be so stubborn, prodigal, and high,
You may be glad of worse before you die:
I've known good Women, nay, of Quality,
With larger Fortunes than you brought to me,
Think it no Scandal to appear in View
With a worse Gown, than what I've bought for you;
Pray therefore don't despise it at this rate,
The Stuff's a pretty Stuff, I tell you that,
And such that no good Housewife should disdain;
For Garments seem most modest, that are plain.
Wife.
Have my kind Parents bred me up so well,
And paid down such a Fortune on the Nail;
For me to go now dress'd like Rural Joan,
With an old Grannum's nasty Grogram on?
Truly I'll not disguise my Youth, to please
A stingy Muckworm with such Stuffs as these,
Fit only for Swain, or Shepherd's Trull,
Who spins her Garments of her own black Wooll
Let me have Silks; for I'll respected be
According to my Birth and Quality;
Nor shall my tender Skin, to Hollands us'd,
Be, by coarse stubborn Dowlace Shifts, abus'd;
No Face of mine shall, by my Friends, be view'd
In Quaker's Pinner, and a Querpo Hood.
And paid down such a Fortune on the Nail;
For me to go now dress'd like Rural Joan,
With an old Grannum's nasty Grogram on?
Truly I'll not disguise my Youth, to please
A stingy Muckworm with such Stuffs as these,
Fit only for Swain, or Shepherd's Trull,
Who spins her Garments of her own black Wooll
Let me have Silks; for I'll respected be
According to my Birth and Quality;
Nor shall my tender Skin, to Hollands us'd,
Be, by coarse stubborn Dowlace Shifts, abus'd;
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In Quaker's Pinner, and a Querpo Hood.
Or shall my Shoulders wear, to my Disgrace,
A Scarf with neither Furbelow or Lace?
I'll not be kept at such a slavish Rate,
But dress according to your large Estate;
And if you'll not maintain me as you ought,
According to the Fortune that I brought,
I'm not so old or ugly, but can find
Another, who, perhaps, will prove more kind.
A Scarf with neither Furbelow or Lace?
I'll not be kept at such a slavish Rate,
But dress according to your large Estate;
And if you'll not maintain me as you ought,
According to the Fortune that I brought,
I'm not so old or ugly, but can find
Another, who, perhaps, will prove more kind.
Husband.
Why sure, you haughty Jezabel, you'd scorn
To shame your lawful Husband with a Horn,
And damn your Soul, as well as wrong your Spouse,
For a high Head, and a few tawdry Cloaths.
I find but what I fear'd, this 'tis to wed
A proud Virago so profusely bred,
Humour'd at Home, and taught at Dancing School
To scorn, for foreign Silks, your native Wooll;
To turn your Toes, to bridle up your Head,
And move, like formal Clock-work, as you tread;
To tune your Voice, to thrum on your Gittar,
And wash and paint, to make your Looks more fair.
You should have wed some Prodigal at Court,
A spend-thrift Coxcomb of the higher Sort;
Some little Monkey-Heir, decreed by Fate
Not to improve, but lavish an Estate.
37
Use me not thus, you Money-loving Fool,
I am too good for such a narrow Soul,
Who values nothing but your hoarded Bags,
And cares not if your Wife went dress'd in Rags:
Had I your stingy Avarice but known
Before the Priest had curs'd me as your own,
Death, with a Halter, should as soon, I vow
Have noos'd me, as so poor a Wretch as thou,
Who slights Ease, Honour, Honesty, and Health,
And doats on nothing, but your ill got Wealth:
But since my tender Parents, for the Sake
Of Riches, led me into this mistake,
Believing no penurious Chirl could prove
Reserv'd to her, who so deserves your Love;
And since, repugnant to their Hopes and mine,
You less respect me, than your Idol Coin,
And o'er your Mammon keep so strict a Hand,
That I must beg what Woman should command,
Where e'er I come, I'll trumpet your Disgrace,
And make you 'ppear as odious as you're base;
Spit, like a Cat, my Venom and my Spite
All Day, and tantalize your Lust at Night;
Borrow of all that will be free to lend,
That you may pay what I profusely spend;
Take up rich Gowns and Petticoats on Tick,
Break thro' all Vertue, and at nothing stick;
Turn an eternal Scold, grow vile and lewd,
And curse your House with an adult'rous Brood;
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Cheat and torment you ev'ry way I can;
Nay, cuff your Miser's Noddle, claw and tear,
That your thin Jaws my spiteful Marks shall wear.
Thus ev'ry way that Woman can contrive,
Revenge the barb'rous Usage that you give,
'Less you a more obliging Husband prove,
And, by your gen'rous Kindness, show your Love.
Husband.
What, Huzzy, will you turn a Thief, a Whore,
And make your self a Beast, a Common shore?
Afflict your Parents, and torment your Spouse,
Seek your own Misery, to shame my Brows?
Ruin your self, to be reveng'd on me,
And scandalize your own good Family?
Be the World's May-game, ev'ry Rascal's Sport,
Defile your Body, do your Soul such hurt,
And all because your odious Female Pride,
Is not with Silks and Sattins gratify'd?
Rare modest Resolutions, by my Life,
A well-bred Lady, a most vertuous Wife!
Wife.
Too honest, had my Vertue first been lost,
To be by such a Niggard's Arms ingrost,
Who places on your Gold your whole Esteem,
And thinks all other Pleasures but a Dream.
You can no Charms in female Beauty find,
'Less 'twas on Gold, like Cæsar's Image, coin'd;
39
Except well paid for what you do at Night.
Go, mercenary Wretch, and hug thy Pelf,
Live like an Anch'rite starving by thy self;
Rowl in thy Wealth, live hated and forlorn,
And burrow in thy Bags, like Rats in Corn;
Tho' they, poor Vermin, do enjoy their Store,
Whilst you in Plenty starve, and wish for more,
They feast and revel whilst their Hoards do last,
But still you pine, and have no Pow'r to taste,
And labour, tho' in vain, to bring your Wife
To share the Curse of such a Beggar's Life.
But know, penurious Muckworm, that I scorn
My fleshy Sides, by Fasting, should be worn
To a poor starv'd Anatomy, like thine,
Debarr'd, by Av'rice, both of Food and Wine,
That when thou'rt dead, some Spend-thrift may confound
Those Heaps of Gold in Chains and Fetters bound:
But, Miser, thou shalt find, ere I'll comply
With thy coarse Fare, I'll make your Mammon fly,
Force you to spread your Table, like a Lord,
With the best Dainties that the Shops afford;
Allow me Silks and Laces, that agree
With your known Riches, and my Quality;
Else shall you feel the sharp Effects that wait
Upon an angry Woman's Scorn and Hate;
For I'll exert my Envy, and my Pride,
And prove the very Devil of a Bride.
40
Did Husband ever hear so vile a Wretch?
Sure thou'rt some Spirit, Succubus, or Witch;
I took thee for a Saint, but find, alas!
Thy Heart is Iron, and thy Face is Brass;
Your Words fierce Thunder-bolts, that when you gape,
Confound my Ears at every dreadful Clap;
Your Temper too unruly, and your Pride
Too dev'lish to be humour'd or deny'd;
For should I strive to pleasure your Desires,
By granting what so proud a Shrew requires,
I must too lavishly supply your Wants,
And beggar'd be by your Extravagance;
If I refuse what you command or pray,
I then must be undone some other Way:
Thus, if I'm careful to Caribdis shun,
I must upon the Rocks of Scilla run.
Direct me, Heaven, how to steer my Course,
'Twixt female Pride, and Anger, which is worse.
Wife.
I'll tell you, Muckworm, if you'd happy be,
Transfer that Love you have for Gold, to me;
Value no Cost that can oblige your Wife,
And that's the Way to lead an easy Life:
But if your odious Stinginess be such,
To think I wear too good, or spend too much,
Then bitter Words your Miser's Ears shall warm,
And welcome Fools about my Beauty swarm;
41
And make you curse your Av'rice, when too late;
Tease, rob, and cheat you, bastardize your Race,
And all the World condemn you for an Ass,
Whilst I with Pleasure shall increase your Plagues,
And make your Life a Hell amidst your Bags;
Whose base imprison'd Dross shall ne'er procure
The Respit of one kind or happy Hour,
'Till thou shalt find, that Wealth is but a Dream,
And that a Wife, provok'd to an Extream,
Can, when she pleases, in an angry Mood,
Do thee more Harm, than Gold can do thee good.
Husband.
Prithee, my Dear, be patient, I'll be glad
To make thee easy, for I fear thou'rt mad;
Pride has bewitch'd thee, fill'd thy Breast with Evil,
And chang'd thee from a Woman to a Devil.
Thou art some Offspring of the Serpent's Seed,
Or Fury of the Amazonian Breed;
A mere Bellona, fit to bear a Shield,
And shew your head-strong Valour in the Field;
Destin'd to stand the Brunt of clashing Swords,
Or to fright Mankind with your daring Words.
Here, fiery Beldam, prithee take my Keys,
Do what you will, and lavish what you please;
Dress like a Dutchess, gratify your Pride;
Who dare deny so Termagant a Bride?
But rather purchase Ease, than to be stung
With the sharp Venom of so curs'd a Tongue.
42
Take back your rusty Keys, you tim'rous Wretch,
Open your Heart, and your close Purse-strings stretch;
Give me but Money for the Things I need,
And what is useful, I shall ne'er exceed;
For tho' I scorn coarse Stuffs, or worthless Rags,
I aim not to be Mistress of your Bags,
My Pride shall ne'er above my Station tow'r,
Or covet to usurp a Husband's Pow'r;
I'd only have you generous and free,
According to your known Ability;
Then will that Wealth, which is but now your Care,
Make us, when rightly us'd, a happy Pair;
For Riches padlock'd in a Miser's Hoard,
Who pines for what he may, yet won't afford,
Are but like Mines of Treasure under ground,
Bury'd i'th' Dark, that lie as yet unfound.
Open your Heart, and your close Purse-strings stretch;
Give me but Money for the Things I need,
And what is useful, I shall ne'er exceed;
For tho' I scorn coarse Stuffs, or worthless Rags,
I aim not to be Mistress of your Bags,
My Pride shall ne'er above my Station tow'r,
Or covet to usurp a Husband's Pow'r;
I'd only have you generous and free,
According to your known Ability;
Then will that Wealth, which is but now your Care,
Make us, when rightly us'd, a happy Pair;
For Riches padlock'd in a Miser's Hoard,
Who pines for what he may, yet won't afford,
Are but like Mines of Treasure under ground,
Bury'd i'th' Dark, that lie as yet unfound.
What are you better for your tarnish'd Sums,
Chain'd up in Trunks, and barricado'd Rooms,
Where sporting Rats the useless Pile despise,
And, in Contempt, dance round it as it lies;
Nay, knaw the Bags, that you may learn from thence
To purchase Plenty at your Coins expence;
And as the Vermin on the Canvass pray,
By their Example, you are taught the way
To use your Wealth, and not, amidst your Store,
To punish Nature, like a Wretch that's poor;
Therefore be gen'rous, and you still shall find
I'll be indulgent, dutiful, and kind;
Profuse in nothing, saving as you please,
Allow but what is needful for our Ease,
With such Attendance, useful to maintain
A decent Port, above the World's Disdain;
For hoarded Riches will not keep us free
From human Censure, Scorn, and Calumny;
For publick Bounty is the best Defence
Against the World's ill-natur'd Insolence.
Spare but these Things from your abundant Store,
I shall be easy, and shall ask no more;
But if your Heart be wedded to your Gold,
And, to our Scandal, you your Dross with hold,
Prefer a wretched and penurious Life,
Above your Ease, your Honour, or your Wife,
I'll tease you, horn you, publish your dispraise,
And plague your sordid Heart ten thousand ways.
Chain'd up in Trunks, and barricado'd Rooms,
Where sporting Rats the useless Pile despise,
And, in Contempt, dance round it as it lies;
Nay, knaw the Bags, that you may learn from thence
To purchase Plenty at your Coins expence;
And as the Vermin on the Canvass pray,
By their Example, you are taught the way
To use your Wealth, and not, amidst your Store,
To punish Nature, like a Wretch that's poor;
Therefore be gen'rous, and you still shall find
I'll be indulgent, dutiful, and kind;
43
Allow but what is needful for our Ease,
With such Attendance, useful to maintain
A decent Port, above the World's Disdain;
For hoarded Riches will not keep us free
From human Censure, Scorn, and Calumny;
For publick Bounty is the best Defence
Against the World's ill-natur'd Insolence.
Spare but these Things from your abundant Store,
I shall be easy, and shall ask no more;
But if your Heart be wedded to your Gold,
And, to our Scandal, you your Dross with hold,
Prefer a wretched and penurious Life,
Above your Ease, your Honour, or your Wife,
I'll tease you, horn you, publish your dispraise,
And plague your sordid Heart ten thousand ways.
Husband.
Silence that dreadful Instrument, thy Tongue,
And I'll be glad to own I'm in the Wrong;
Give thee my All, with any Thing comply,
Cease but that hideous Thunder, which may vie
With those loud Claps that eccho thro' the Sky.
Let my poor Ears but be for ever freed
From that shrill piercing Clangor which they dread,
And I'll submit to all Things you can ask,
Perform, with Gladness, my Herculean Task;
Be lavish of the Gold I lov'd to save,
And give more largely than your self can crave;
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Turn gen'rous Coxcomb to the last Extream;
Keep Crouds of lazy Slaves to fill your Hall,
And wait your Female Pleasure, when you call;
Provide you two nice Slatterns, to obey,
And dress you like a Puppit ev'ry Day,
Who know their Duty, when your lustful Charms
Lie ruffl'd in some brawny Blockhead's Arms:
You shall have all the Grandeur you desire,
As much as Quality themselves require;
Your Coach, your Spark, your Pimp, nay, Chaplain too,
To add a pious Grace to th'Ills you do;
Let me but live unbaited by your Tongue,
With dreadful Sound, and pointed Venom hung;
Plagues that no patient Husband would endure,
Could all he's Worth the cursed Torment cure;
Therefore take all, maintain what Port you please;
Rather than suffer such eternal Teaze,
Thou shalt command my Wealth, let me enjoy my Ease.
Wife.
You are mistaken, Sir; had I the Use
Of all your Gold, I'd scorn to be profuse:
My Fortune largely has increas'd your Store,
And to your wealthy Coffers added more;
Therefore, since Heav'n has been so kind, to grant
Such Riches, why should we delight in Want?
And, by a base penurious Life, destroy
That Ease and Comfort we may both enjoy?
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When we may claim Respect, and live in State;
Merit the World's Esteem, yet spend no more
Than half the Int'rest of our wealthy Store;
Maintain that Bounty which the World commends,
And keep a well spread Table for our Friends;
Be generous to all, relieve the Poor
With what is needful daily at your Door,
That their united Pray'rs to Heav'n may be
As efficacious as our Charity;
Deny your self no costly Food or Wine,
And Care of Bus'ness to your Slaves resign;
Dress to your Quality, wear what is good,
And never save by swerving from the Mode;
Want no Attendance needful, keep your Coach,
Pursue your Pleasures, but without Debauch,
And not starve on at this penurious Rate,
To be a Miser curs'd with an Estate?
Husband.
O! bless me, what a Race would Woman run!
I shall be beggar'd, baited, or undone;
Should I presume to live at this high Rate,
I ought to have, at least, a Lord's Estate.
O! you proud noisy Termagant, must I
Be plagu'd, or with my Ruin thus comply?
O! Heav'ns, how I'm involv'd 'twixt Curse and Curse,
And know not which is like to prove the worse?
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Be wasted, I'll the present Torment shun,
And, rather than be teas'd, submit to be undone.
| Nuptial Dialogues and Debates | |