The three tours of Doctor Syntax In search of 1. The picturesque, 2. Of consolation, 3. Of a wife. The text complete. [By William Combe] With four illustrations |
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 | The three tours of Doctor Syntax |  |
16
CANTO V.
The Doctor smil'd, the bill was paid,
The hostess left him to the maid;
When Betty stood in humble guise, With expectation in her eyes,
That he was surely so good-hearted,
To give her something e'er they parted.
Now, Nature, in her wanton freaks, Had given Betty rosy cheeks;
And caus'd her raven locks to break In native ringlets on her neck;
The roving bee might wish to sip The sweetness of her pouting lip:
So red, so tempting to the view, 'Twas what the Doctor long'd to do.
“You're a nice girl,” he smiling said.
“Am I?” replied the simp'ring maid.
“I swear you are, and if you're willing
To give a kiss, I'll give a shilling.”
“If 'tis the same thing, Sir, to you,
Make the gift two-fold, and take two.”
He grimly grinn'd, with inward pleasure,
And instant seiz'd the purchas'd treasure.
“Your lips, my dear, are sweet as honey:
So one smack more—and there's your money.”
The hostess left him to the maid;
When Betty stood in humble guise, With expectation in her eyes,
That he was surely so good-hearted,
To give her something e'er they parted.
Now, Nature, in her wanton freaks, Had given Betty rosy cheeks;
And caus'd her raven locks to break In native ringlets on her neck;
The roving bee might wish to sip The sweetness of her pouting lip:
So red, so tempting to the view, 'Twas what the Doctor long'd to do.
“You're a nice girl,” he smiling said.
“Am I?” replied the simp'ring maid.
“I swear you are, and if you're willing
To give a kiss, I'll give a shilling.”
“If 'tis the same thing, Sir, to you,
Make the gift two-fold, and take two.”
He grimly grinn'd, with inward pleasure,
And instant seiz'd the purchas'd treasure.
“Your lips, my dear, are sweet as honey:
So one smack more—and there's your money.”
This charming ceremony o'er, The Parson strutted to the door;
Where his poor wounded mare appears
In cruel state of tail and ears.
The neighbours all impatient wait To see him issue through the gate;
For country-town or village-green, Had seldom such a figure seen.
Labour stood still to see him pass, While ev'ry lad and ev'ry lass
Ran forward to enjoy the feast,
To jeer the Sage, and mourn the beast.
But one and all aloud declare 'Twas a fit sight for country-fair;
Far better than a dancing bear.
At length, escap'd from all the noise
Of women, men, and girls and boys,
In the recesses of a lane He thus gave utt'rance to his pain,
“It seems to be my luckless case At ev'ry point, in ev'ry place,
To meet with trouble and disgrace.
But yesterday I left my home, In search of fancied wealth to roam;
And nought, I think, but ills betide me:
Sure some foul spirit runs beside me;
Some blasting demon from the east, A deadly foe to man and beast,
That loves to riot in disaster, And plague alike both horse and master.
Grizzle, who full five years, and more, A trumpeter in triumph bore;
Who had in hard-fought battle been, And many a bloody conflict seen;
Who, having 'scap'd with scarce a scar,
'Mid all the angry threats of war;
When her best days are almost past, Feels these ignoble wounds at last.
Ah! what can thy fond master do,
He's cut and slash'd as well as you!
But, though no more with housing gay,
And prancing step you take your way;
Or, with your stately rider, lead The armed troop to warlike deed;
While you've a leg you ne'er shall cease To bear the minister of peace.
Long have you borne him nor e'er grumbled,
Nor ever started, kick'd or stumbled.”
Where his poor wounded mare appears
In cruel state of tail and ears.
The neighbours all impatient wait To see him issue through the gate;
For country-town or village-green, Had seldom such a figure seen.
Labour stood still to see him pass, While ev'ry lad and ev'ry lass
Ran forward to enjoy the feast,
To jeer the Sage, and mourn the beast.
But one and all aloud declare 'Twas a fit sight for country-fair;
Far better than a dancing bear.
At length, escap'd from all the noise
Of women, men, and girls and boys,
In the recesses of a lane He thus gave utt'rance to his pain,
“It seems to be my luckless case At ev'ry point, in ev'ry place,
To meet with trouble and disgrace.
But yesterday I left my home, In search of fancied wealth to roam;
And nought, I think, but ills betide me:
Sure some foul spirit runs beside me;
Some blasting demon from the east, A deadly foe to man and beast,
That loves to riot in disaster, And plague alike both horse and master.
Grizzle, who full five years, and more, A trumpeter in triumph bore;
Who had in hard-fought battle been, And many a bloody conflict seen;
Who, having 'scap'd with scarce a scar,
'Mid all the angry threats of war;
When her best days are almost past, Feels these ignoble wounds at last.
Ah! what can thy fond master do,
He's cut and slash'd as well as you!
But, though no more with housing gay,
And prancing step you take your way;
17
While you've a leg you ne'er shall cease To bear the minister of peace.
Long have you borne him nor e'er grumbled,
Nor ever started, kick'd or stumbled.”
But mildest natures sometimes err From the strict rules of character:
The tim'rous bird defends its young,
And beasts will kick when they are stung.
'Twas burning hot, and host of flies,
With venom'd stings, around them rise:
They seiz'd on Grizzle's wounded part,
Who straight began to snort and start;
Kick'd up behind, rear'd up before, And play'd a dozen antics more;
The Doctor coax'd, but all in vain, She snorted, kick'd, and rear'd again:
“Alas!” said Syntax, “could I pop
Just now, upon a blacksmith's shop,
Whose cooling unguent would avail
To save poor Grizzle's ears and tail!”
When scarce had he his wishes spoke, Than he beheld a cloud of smoke,
That from a forge appear'd to rise, And for a moment veil'd the skies,
While the rude hammers to his ear,
Proclaim'd the aid he wish'd was near.
By the way-side the cottage rose, Around it many a willow grows,
Where Syntax, in a tone of grief,
Shew'd Grizzle's wounds and pray'd relief.
The sooty Galen soon appear'd, And with fair hopes the Doctor cheer'd.
“Trust me, good Sir, I've got a plaster,
Will cure the beast of her disaster;
And, while the dressing I prepare, With all becoming skill and care,
You in that arbor may regale With a cool pipe and jug of ale:
I've long a two-fold trade profess'd And med'cine sell for man and beast,
—Syntax now sought the cooling shade,
While Galen's dame the banquet made:
She well knew how her guests to please,
And added meat, and bread, and cheese:
Besides, she told the village-tale—
Who came to drink her home-brew'd ale;
How that the laughter-loving Vicar
Would sometimes walk to taste their liquor;
That their gay landlord was renown'd,
For hunting fox, with horn and hound;
That he'd a daughter passing fair; Who was his Honour's only heir;
But she was proud, nor could a 'Squire
Approach to tell his am'rous fire;
A Lord alone, as it was said, She would receive into her bed.
Throughout the village, ev'ry name Became a subject for the dame;
And thus she play'd her chatt'ring part,
Till Syntax thought it time to start.
And now poor Grizzle re-appears,
With plaster'd tail and plaster'd ears,
Which thus cas'd up, might well defy The sharpest sting of gnat or fly.
The Doctor having had his fill, Without a word discharg'd his bill:
But, as it was the close of day, He trotted briskly on his way;
And, e'er the sun withdrew his light, An Inn receiv'd him for the night.
His frame fatigu'd, his mind oppress'd,
He tiff'd his punch, and went to rest.
The morning came, when he arose In spirits from his calm repose;
And while the maid prepar'd the tea, He look'd around the room to see
What story did the walls disclose, Of human joys, of human woes.
The window quickly caught his eye,
On whose clear panes he could descry
The motley works of many a Muse:
There was enough to pick and choose;
And, “Faith,” said he, “I'll strive to hook
Some of these lines into my book:
For here there are both grave and witty,
And some, I see, are rather pretty.
From a small pocket in his coat He drew his tablets,—when he wrote
Whate'er the pregnant panes possess'd;
And these choice lays among the rest.
“If my fond breast were made of glass,
And you could see what there doth pass,
Kitty, my ever charming fair! You'd see your own sweet image there.”
“I once came here a free-booting,
And on this fine manor went shooting,
And if the 'Squire this truth denies,
This glass shall tell the 'Squire—he lies.”
The tim'rous bird defends its young,
And beasts will kick when they are stung.
'Twas burning hot, and host of flies,
With venom'd stings, around them rise:
They seiz'd on Grizzle's wounded part,
Who straight began to snort and start;
Kick'd up behind, rear'd up before, And play'd a dozen antics more;
The Doctor coax'd, but all in vain, She snorted, kick'd, and rear'd again:
“Alas!” said Syntax, “could I pop
Just now, upon a blacksmith's shop,
Whose cooling unguent would avail
To save poor Grizzle's ears and tail!”
When scarce had he his wishes spoke, Than he beheld a cloud of smoke,
That from a forge appear'd to rise, And for a moment veil'd the skies,
While the rude hammers to his ear,
Proclaim'd the aid he wish'd was near.
By the way-side the cottage rose, Around it many a willow grows,
Where Syntax, in a tone of grief,
Shew'd Grizzle's wounds and pray'd relief.
The sooty Galen soon appear'd, And with fair hopes the Doctor cheer'd.
“Trust me, good Sir, I've got a plaster,
Will cure the beast of her disaster;
And, while the dressing I prepare, With all becoming skill and care,
You in that arbor may regale With a cool pipe and jug of ale:
I've long a two-fold trade profess'd And med'cine sell for man and beast,
—Syntax now sought the cooling shade,
While Galen's dame the banquet made:
She well knew how her guests to please,
And added meat, and bread, and cheese:
Besides, she told the village-tale—
Who came to drink her home-brew'd ale;
How that the laughter-loving Vicar
Would sometimes walk to taste their liquor;
That their gay landlord was renown'd,
For hunting fox, with horn and hound;
That he'd a daughter passing fair; Who was his Honour's only heir;
But she was proud, nor could a 'Squire
Approach to tell his am'rous fire;
A Lord alone, as it was said, She would receive into her bed.
Throughout the village, ev'ry name Became a subject for the dame;
And thus she play'd her chatt'ring part,
Till Syntax thought it time to start.
And now poor Grizzle re-appears,
With plaster'd tail and plaster'd ears,
Which thus cas'd up, might well defy The sharpest sting of gnat or fly.
The Doctor having had his fill, Without a word discharg'd his bill:
18
And, e'er the sun withdrew his light, An Inn receiv'd him for the night.
His frame fatigu'd, his mind oppress'd,
He tiff'd his punch, and went to rest.
The morning came, when he arose In spirits from his calm repose;
And while the maid prepar'd the tea, He look'd around the room to see
What story did the walls disclose, Of human joys, of human woes.
The window quickly caught his eye,
On whose clear panes he could descry
The motley works of many a Muse:
There was enough to pick and choose;
And, “Faith,” said he, “I'll strive to hook
Some of these lines into my book:
For here there are both grave and witty,
And some, I see, are rather pretty.
From a small pocket in his coat He drew his tablets,—when he wrote
Whate'er the pregnant panes possess'd;
And these choice lays among the rest.
“If my fond breast were made of glass,
And you could see what there doth pass,
Kitty, my ever charming fair! You'd see your own sweet image there.”
“I once came here a free-booting,
And on this fine manor went shooting,
And if the 'Squire this truth denies,
This glass shall tell the 'Squire—he lies.”
“Dolly's as fat as any sow, And, if I'm not mistaken,
Dolly is well dispos'd, I trow, To trim her husband's bacon.”
“Dear Jenny, while your name I hear,
No transient glow my bosom heats;
And when I meet your eye, my dear,
My flutt'ring heart no longer beats.
I dream, but I no longer find Your form still present to my view;
I wake, but now my vacant mind No longer waking dreams of you.
I can find maids, in ev'ry rout, With smiles as false and forms as fine;
But you must hunt the world throughout,
To find a heart as true as mine.”
“I hither came down From fair London town
With Lucy so mild and so kind;
But Lucy grew cool, And call'd me a fool,
So I started and left her behind.”
Dolly is well dispos'd, I trow, To trim her husband's bacon.”
“Dear Jenny, while your name I hear,
No transient glow my bosom heats;
And when I meet your eye, my dear,
My flutt'ring heart no longer beats.
I dream, but I no longer find Your form still present to my view;
I wake, but now my vacant mind No longer waking dreams of you.
I can find maids, in ev'ry rout, With smiles as false and forms as fine;
But you must hunt the world throughout,
To find a heart as true as mine.”
“I hither came down From fair London town
With Lucy so mild and so kind;
But Lucy grew cool, And call'd me a fool,
So I started and left her behind.”
But as he copied, quite delighted, All that the Muse had thus indited,
A hungry dog, and prone to steal, Ran off with half his breakfast meal;
While Dolly, ent'ring with a kettle, Was follow'd by a man of mettle,
Who swore he'd have the promis'd kiss;
And, as he seiz'd the melting bliss,
From the hot, ill-pois'd kettle's spout,
The boiling stream came pouring out,
Which drove the Doctor from the Muse
By quickly filling both his shoes.
A hungry dog, and prone to steal, Ran off with half his breakfast meal;
While Dolly, ent'ring with a kettle, Was follow'd by a man of mettle,
Who swore he'd have the promis'd kiss;
And, as he seiz'd the melting bliss,
From the hot, ill-pois'd kettle's spout,
The boiling stream came pouring out,
Which drove the Doctor from the Muse
By quickly filling both his shoes.
| The three tours of Doctor Syntax | |